The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

31 March 2008

Use only as directed

George Carlin doesn't think much of package directions:

"Did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, 'Open here.' Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong?"

Carlin probably never got a Hot Apple Pie from Mickey D's, about which Brian J. Noggle thinks plenty:

I am not a dumb man; I understand that opening the box on one side would violate the instructions, because that would open the box in such a fashion that I was not opening the box properly. That is, if I were to open the box on the right side of the box, the box would be open by the time I got to the instruction on the left side; therefore, I would not correctly open the box on the left side, as the box would already be open.

No, verily, I could infer without any further written instruction that, to satisfy this short end user license on the box and to not violate the warranty of my apple pie, I must open both sides of the box simultaneously; that is, I would open both flaps marked Open here at once so that I would not merely break down an already open box by one of the motions. Fortunately, it was a small box, and I could break the structural integrity of the box on each side with only one hand, and it was thus that I enjoyed my nice cold apple pie knowing that I had correctly interpreted the directions and acted according to the box designers written and explicit intent.

Last time I picked up one of these, by the time I got it home the proximity of one sort-of-greasy somewhat-warm thing to another sort-of-greasy somewhat-warm thing had made the entire question of "structural integrity" more or less moot.

Posted at 11:20 AM to Say What?


Woof. His description reminds me of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in _The Search for the Holy Grail_.

Posted by: unimpressed at 5:56 PM on 31 March 2008

"And the number of the pies shall be one."

Posted by: CGHill at 6:43 PM on 31 March 2008