26 September 2006
Oh, look, here comes the starfish truck

When last we checked in with Rep. Humus B. Kyddenme, he was pitching a House bill to include all known creation stories in the state-mandated public-school curriculum; to his chagrin, the bill never emerged from committee.

For next year, he has a new idea. Noting that population growth has been consistent along America's coastlines, and that the demand for housing has kept property values sky-high in those areas, Kyddenme has decided that landlocked Oklahoma can't compete unless it has a serious shoreline.

Bricktown Beach, despite its name, will not actually be located in Bricktown; the massive artificial ocean, about 185 square miles, will be created by flooding the northeastern quarter of Oklahoma County, roughly everything east of Sooner Road and north of NE 36th Street. (The famed Round Barn in Arcadia, which would otherwise be sunk, will be trucked up Old 66 to a new location west of Chandler.) Tides will be created by wind turbines placed at regular intervals along Pottawatomie Road; as a bonus, they will generate electricity for 3,000 homes in Lincoln County. Kyddenme hasn't given a cost estimate, but he insists that the revenue from the hotels, casinos and restaurants located along the shore will easily cover the expense of digging a two-thousand-foot-deep hole thirteen and a half miles square. As for the 30,000 or so displaced residents, Kyddenme says there's no problem: "Who do you think is gonna buy all those beach houses?" It's no more implausible, he says, than building artificial islands in the middle of the Arkansas River.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:30 PM)
7 October 2006
Rankerous discussion

According to this thing, I am more popular than McGehee, but not as sexy.

I need hardly point out that Jeff Goldstein beats us both.

(Via the inordinately-lovely Miss Cellania.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:00 AM)
28 November 2006
This is a joke

At least, so far it is:

The [Motion Picture Association of America] is lobbying Congress to push through a new bill that would make unauthorized home theaters illegal. The group feels that all theaters should be sanctioned, whether they be commercial settings or at home.

MPAA head Dan Glickman says this needs to be regulated before things start getting too far out of control, "We didn't act early enough with the online sharing of our copyrighted content. This time we're not making the same mistake. We have a right to know what's showing in a theater."

The bill would require that any hardware manufactured in the future contain technology that tells the MPAA directly of what is being shown and specific details on the audience. The data would be gathered using various motion sensors and biometric technology.

The MPAA defines a home theater as any home with a television larger than 29" with stereo sound and at least two comfortable chairs, couch, or futon. Anyone with a home theater would need to pay a $50 registration fee with the MPAA or face fines up to $500,000 per movie shown.

Again: this is a joke.

Glickman is probably even now kicking himself for not thinking of it first.

(Someone submitted this to Fark not suspecting that it was, in fact, a joke.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:04 AM)
19 January 2007
I take a 14. Why do you ask?

Rachel points to (and probably laughs at) this shoe size-to-penis size conversion chart. Normally I am unnerved when women point and laugh, but this compilation of, um, "data" is highly risible.

Permalink to this item (posted at 2:15 PM)
8 March 2007
High-five, hive mind

Just try to say that fast three times.

Normally I'd save this search-engine item for Monday's roundup, but time is apparently of the essence:

The Borg are coming to assimilate us on March 10th:  Yeah, yeah, resistance is futile, yadda, yadda. Just give me Seven of Nine's coordinates.

Permalink to this item (posted at 11:09 AM)
1 April 2007
A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

It's two, two, two movies in one!

(Seen at Brad Sucks.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:23 PM)
13 May 2007
Meanwhile O.J. looks for a real dinner

News Item: Zimbabwe has been elected to head the UN's Commission on Sustainable Development (CSD) despite strong objections from Western diplomats. They had said Zimbabwe was unsuitable because of its human rights record and economic problems. It is suffering food shortages and rampant inflation. But Zimbabwe has dismissed such criticism, calling it an insult.

Columbia University announced today that Dr. Sanjaya Shekar Malakar of Seattle, Washington will be named Professor of Ethnomusicology within Columbia's Department of Music, a position originally created for the distinguished Dr. Willard Rhodes, who died in 1992. Dr. Malakar's multi-ethnic background and long record of persistence in the face of hardship should serve him well in his post at Columbia.

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:59 AM)
27 June 2007
Yippie-ki-yay, ma