Stories are circulating that leftish radio network Air America Radio is flirting (in a nonsexist manner, of course) with bankruptcy; if they do in fact go under, their affiliates might find themselves scrambling for new programming.

The following formats might draw comparable, or even higher, audience numbers:

10. All Def Leppard, All The Time
    
9. The British Invasion: Songs of the War of 1812
   
8. American Idol Rejects
   
7. Emergency Alert System tests
   
6. Disco Karachi (live from Pakistan)
   
5. The Expurgated Howard Stern *
   
4. Radio NASCAR
   
3. Pat Buchanan's All-American Radio Xenophobe
   
2. The Golf Channel
   
1. Paul Harvey saying "Good day!" every twenty seconds
   

* At an estimated fourteen minutes per day, this alone would not be sufficient to fill a daily schedule.

Press release, Wednesday: The Republican National Committee today announced that its Site Selection Committee has voted to recommend Minneapolis-St. Paul to host the 2008 Republican National Convention.

The following somehow missed the cut:

• Babylon
  
• Pleasantville
  
• Pluto
  
• New Orleans
  
• Pottersville
  
• Baghdad
  
• Talos IV
  
• Guantánamo
  
• West Hollywood
  
• Truth or Consequences
  

The Democrats are reportedly split; their top choices include Caracas, the Gaza Strip, and Noam Chomsky's back yard.

Gene Roddenberry's idea for Star Trek was inclusive and embracing: the Federation was open to all. (Well, except Romulans, Klingons and such, and even the Klingons came around eventually.) It seems inevitable, therefore, that at some point there must have been a redneck or two at Starfleet Academy. You'd spot him on the bridge immediately:

Just let the Borg try to assimilate that.

(Via Dr. B.)

Terry Teachout's Cultural Convergence Index is simple enough, yet fiendishly complex: there's no obvious, or even concealed, pattern to it. As the man himself explains:

Sometimes, we like things because, well, we like them, without regard to whether it fits into some particular school or tradition or era or whatever. The true value of the Teachout Index, I'd say, is that it reminds us of this fact without having to slap us in the face with a damp carp.

John Salmon of Mystic Chords tried his hand at the Index today, which is what prompted this post.

And if you're wondering if I were going to do this, you're about twenty-seven months behind: see Vent #397 for my own results. (I agreed with Teachout roughly half the time.)

Crank it loud when I'm gone:

"Every Breath You Take"? Seriously? Has anyone ever actually listened to this song? Sting supposedly once said it was a metaphor for government surveillance, and I want dead family members watching me about as much as I want Alberto Gonzales watching me, which is to say Not Much.

Inasmuch as I am aging at an appalling rate — one whole year every twelve months or so — it's probably time for me to pick out a playlist to celebrate my own demise. I think it ought to have things like this:

• (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
  
• Mystery Train - Elvis Presley
  
• 7 Rooms of Gloom - Four Tops
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy - Alice Cooper
  
• When I'm Gone - Brenda Holloway
  

And I'd be much obliged if someone dug up Nat "King" Cole's "That Sunday, That Summer." It bears no actual resemblance to life as I know it — but oh, how I wish it did.

The Top Ten Good Things about the North Korean nuclear test:

10. Keeps the DPRK from being demoted to the Axis of Feeble
9. Japan contemplating new, improved Godzilla
8. Pyongyang, as a member of the Nuclear Club, is now liable for back dues
7. Opportunity to recalibrate Richter scale
6. South Korean arms trade profitable again
5. It will take 10 years to save up enough aluminum cans for a second test
4. Test site may actually be warm this winter, unlike rest of country
3. President Ahmadinejad of Iran no longer a lock for Dork of the Year
2. Beijing now wondering why they actually backed these loons
1. Finally got that idiot Mark Foley off the goddamn front page

(Disclosure: I have not quit my day job.)

Bound to be one of these:

(Found at Meep's; Meep notes, "Astrology is going to be just as apt when using Southern icons, Greek symbols, or Chinese interpretation of animals." Disclosure: I am an Armadillo, once wed to a Crawfish. Coming out of our shells was not a strong point.)

News Item: Colonel Sanders is shedding his white suit jacket for a cook's red apron. The smiling Colonel is featured against a red background that matches his red apron with the name "Kentucky Fried Chicken." KFC had dropped "fried" from its name and logo over a decade ago as it expanded its non-fried menu items to appeal to the health conscious.

Top Ten Other Expected Restaurant Changes:

10. Taco Bell purchased by AT&T
    
9. Sonic Drive-In moves headquarters from Oklahoma City to Seattle
   
8. Federal Trade Commission rules that Long John Silver's is "not all that long"
   
7. Carl's III spun off
   
6. Union fails to organize Cheesecake Factory, dessert cart subsequently outsourced
   
5. Burger King outed, was a queen all along
   
4. New European Union rules prohibit Olive Garden from describing itself as "Italian"
   
3. Chuck E. Cheese moves upscale, will now be known as Charles Edward Wensleydale
   
2. Popeye's Chicken adds spinach to menu after nasty note from King Features Syndicate
   
1. Donald Trump buys McDonald's, restaurants to be rebranded "The Donald's," new slogan: "I Deserve a Tax Break Today"
   

(Posted before lunch.)

Top Ten Advantages of Turning Fifty-Three:

10. Not dead yet
    
9. Age and year of birth ('53) actually match, sort of
   
8. Nobody says a word if you go to bed at 10 pm
   
7. Mid-life crisis should be over and done with by now
   
6. "Distinguished" to "dorky" ratio goes up a couple of percentage points
   
5. Still likely to get a few bucks from Social Security before it goes completely broke
   
4. Ability to feign maturity improving all the time
   
3. Younger women will speak to you, so long as you don't actually try to date them or anything
   
2. Can shut off cell phone without worrying about missing something
   
1. Almost to the point where being carded might bring discounts
   

Not all of these will apply next year.

News item: Jimmie Johnson, 2006 winner of the Nextel Cup Series and reigning champion of its premiere race, the Daytona 500, has signed on with Elizabeth Arden as national spokesperson for the Daytona 500 Fragrance for Men.

Top Ten Sports Fragrances Rejected By Elizabeth Arden Before Choosing "Daytona 500":

10. Mark Cuban's Hissy Fit
    
9. Scarlet Billows by Curt Schilling
   
8. Portrait of the Artest
   
7. Foul Balls
   
6. Ground-Rule Doublemint
   
5. Hai Sticking
   
4. This Is SportsScenter
   
3. Jeter After Dark
   
2. Anywhere Within Six Feet of John Madden
   
1. balco: the barry bonds experience
   

Not available at a store near you.

(Suggested by Deadspin.)

News item: Microsoft's long-awaited Vista operating system will become widely available to consumers tonight — and the world will be watching to see how well it sells. Vista, the latest version of Windows, officially hits shelves at 12:01 Tuesday morning.

Top Ten Essential Features of Windows Vista:

10. Supports Windows Media Player 12, which automatically taps your PayPal account and sends the contents thereof to Sony/BMG

9. New speech feature laughs at you when you try to install it over Windows 98

8. "PlaysForSure" upgraded to more humanistic-sounding "PlaysIfWeFeelLikeIt"

7. It will be at least a year before you have to install Service Pack 2

6. New industrial-strength Windows Genuine Advantage package sends 2500 volts directly to your mouse if it detects you're using a pirated copy

5. ActiveX controls replaced with more masculine ActiveY

4. For security purposes, all Administrator accounts automatically forward to one guy in Redmond

3. New Registry setting allows optional Cornflower, Magenta, and Chartreuse Screens of Death

2. System Restore offers new "Random" toggle

1. Instead of being three years behind those Macintosh wussies, you're now only two years behind
   

Bring lots of money.

News Item: Ford Motor Company will rename its slow-selling Five Hundred model the Taurus, a name that Ford had previously used for a car that became the nation's top-seller, company officials said Tuesday.

Top Ten Names Also Considered for the Ford Five Hundred:

10. Three-Eighty After Rebate
    
9. Flathead
   
8. Not A Lincoln
   
7. Fonda
   
6. Felcher
   
5. Festivus
   
4. Excrescence
   
3. Prefect
   
2. Fairmont II
   
1. Camry (hey, they're desperate)
   

(Via Jalopnik.)

News Item: Court TV is changing its name, look and logo as part of a network overhaul planned for later this year. The network, acquired by Time Warner and folded into its Turner division during 2006, will no longer be called Court TV as of Jan. 1, 2008, and will revamp its daytime trial coverage and add in prime several new reality series (or, as the network and others, like A&E, prefer to call them, "real-life series").

Top Ten Proposed New Names for Court TV:

10. OJTV
    
9. The Thug Channel
   
8. Disembodied Headline News
   
7. F!
   
6. The Repellent Will Please Rise
   
5. American Idolatry
   
4. Xtreme News
   
3. The Anna Nicole Memorial
   
2. TCM (Turner Classic Madmen)
   
1. Fox Family
   

(Seen at Gawker.)

Courtesy of the Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons Enthusiasts and Historical Society of the United Kingdom:

Of the boxes I have, the one that hews closest to this particular line is Phil Spector's Back to Mono 1958-1969 box, issued by Abkco back in the Pleistocene era (okay, 1991) for an appalling $80 list and now widely available for about a quarter of that. (Disclosure: I paid $65 for mine.) Departures from perfection: the essays by David Hinckley and Tom Wolfe (yes!) are seriously readable, but while they capture Phil, they give the actual music semi-short shrift — and would it have been so hard to toss in just one of the infamous throwaway B-sides like "Tedesco and Pitman"?

Oh, and the sound is kinda fuzzy, and, as per the title, mono only. (Then again, Spector's bounce-and-keep-bouncing recording technique doesn't lend itself particularly well to stereo mixing, though most of the hits did appear somewhere in stereo at one time or another.) And yes, Spector made records throughout the Seventies, but they were either (1) remarkably unsuccessful for some reason or (2) done on behalf of various Beatles and therefore not available for a compilation.

Nominations for Great Box Sets will of course be happily accepted.

News Item: An Oklahoma City police officer accused of sending pictures of his penis from his cell phone to a female officer's cell phone has been put on administrative paid leave, a police spokesman said.

Top Ten responses to receiving a picture of an Oklahoma City policeman's penis on one's cell phone:

1. "I'm sorry, I was expecting a private dick."
   
9. [muffled giggling]
   
8. "I have the right to remain silent."
   
9. "I guess with that, it's not really sexual harassment, is it?"
   
6. "That's no place to hang a donut."
   
5. "How many banks got robbed in the last couple of minutes?"
   
4. "See my answer at PointingAndLaughing.com."
   
3. "You could have sent that as text and saved ten cents."
   
4. [stony silence]
   
5. "Obviously you're not in the Hefner Division."
   

(Alternate title: Cop on the Beat.)

Courtesy of Happy Catholic, the Top Ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students:

It is not true, however, that part of those forty years in the desert was spent at Burning Man.

News Item: A federal appeals court on Monday found that a new Federal Communications Commission policy penalizing accidentally aired expletives was invalid, saying it was "arbitrary and capricious" and might not survive First Amendment scrutiny. The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals did not, however, outlaw the policy outright. In a 2-1 ruling, it found in favor of a Fox Television-led challenge to the policy and returned the case to the FCC to let the agency try to provide a "reasoned analysis" for its new approach to indecency and profanity. It added it was doubtful the FCC could do so.

Top Ten talking points in the FCC's "reasoned analysis" for its new approach to indecency and profanity:

10. We hate getting letters from that twerp Wildmon
    
9. Charles Rocket had a son, didn't he?
   
8. If the satellite-radio merger fails we may get Howard Stern back
   
7. Suppose CBS wants to stick another camera up Katie Couric's keister?
   
6. Dr. Dobson has threatened to cut off the checks
   
5. George Carlin is still alive
   
4. It gives us something to do while we wait for Internet radio to die
   
3. Rosie's bound to find a new gig eventually
   
2. We gotta find something on that pesky Jeff Jarvis
   
1. Have you seen Janet Jackson lately? Whole new wardrobe
   

(Via that pesky Jeff Jarvis.)

Addendum: Text of the decision here. (Via Justin Levine.)

News Item: An Oklahoma City ice-cream man has been charged with indecent exposure after giving a would-be customer a look at his undone zipper on the city's south side.

Top Ten Verbal Responses to Indecent Exposure by Ice-Cream Men:

10. Hey, that ain't a Popsicle^® stick!
    
9. At this point, I don't care if you are happy to see me.
   
8. How long before it melts?
   
7. Let me guess: joint venture with Der Wienerschnitzel?
   
6. Um, no thanks, no frozen yogurt.
   
5. Which one's Ben and which one's Jerry?
   
4. This is no way to compete with Dairy Queen.
   
3. Yes, I'm sure the Health Department does require you to carry a thermometer — but not there.
   
2. Froze solid, did it?
   
1. So that's what they mean by "soft-serve."
   

May you all enjoy a month of sundaes.

An idea from Randy Rager:

Top Ten ways the government would be different if the capitol were moved to Oklahoma City:

10. Supreme Court fall session begins after the football season
    
9. Congress gets a cost-of-living decrease
   
8. K Street lobbyists lined up on 23rd
   
7. New "Capitol Oaks" subdivision in Edmond
   
6. Ted Kennedy could see some really deficient bridges
   
5. World Bank opens branch in Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market
   
4. Mary Fallin demoted from Representative to Delegate, takes six months to notice
   
3. A Congressman's girlfriend jumps into the Bricktown Canal in the dead of night
   
2. Maryland refuses to take back the District of Columbia
   
1. Finally, funding for the Gary England Monument
   

Not to discourage them or anything.

This is the schedule from here out, subject to minor alterations for logistical reasons and, as always, barring catastrophe:

• Tuesday: Knoxville
  
• Wednesday: Nashville
  
• Thursday: Champaign/Urbana
  
• Friday: Cedar Rapids
  
• Saturday/Sunday: Kansas City
  

Inasmuch as the first item here reads "Knoxville," here are the Top Ten things I'm more likely to get than an audience with Glenn Reynolds:

10. The chance to rummage through Marg Helgenberger's lingerie drawer
    
9. The keys to an S-Class Benz
   
8. A winning Powerball ticket
   
7. Video of Al Gore buying a Hummer
   
6. The RIAA reconstitutes itself as a time-share operator in Florida
   
5. Hillary admits she's had nothing lifted or resculpted — but Bill has
   
4. Immediate and permanent cessation of all comment spam
   
3. Burge/Goldstein ticket unstoppable in the primaries
   
2. CBS replaces Katie Couric with Megan McArdle
   
1. Actually getting blogrolled by Glenn Reynolds
   

Jagger's Law — "You can't always get what you want" — applies.

Update: It didn't come off, and the Interested-Participant thinks he knows why: "I personally believe that Reynolds wants cash."

News Item: Chrysler's new owner, Cerberus Capital Management, expects the carmaker to return to profitability in roughly three years' time. In a recent interview, Cerberus boss John Snow told reporters "I think you'll see that Chrysler will be in much better shape within three years. This is a plan to get it back to profitability." To ensure that it actually happens, former Home Depot chief Robert Nardelli has been appointed as the automaker's new Chairman and CEO.

Top Ten steps to be taken by new Chrysler chairman Bob Nardelli to bring the company back to prosperity:

10. Equip all Five Star dealerships with both English and Spanish signage
    
9. License the Hemi to John Deere to build the world's fastest lawn tractor
   
8. Redesign the Dodge Ram logo to look less girly
   
7. Fire whichever dorkwad thought the world needed a Jeep that seats seven
   
6. Outsource everything smaller than the Pacifica to Hyundai
   
5. Promise never to allow Lee Iacocca on television again
   
4. Same goes for Dr Z
   
3. Revive Dodge La Femme, offer Amanda Marcotte a test drive
   
2. Two words: Demon roadster
   
1. Create unprecedented buzz by burying all new models for fifty years
   

And don't you miss rich Corinthian leather?

News item: Karl Rove, the political adviser who masterminded President George W. Bush's two winning presidential campaigns, is resigning, the White House confirmed Monday. In an interview published this morning in The Wall Street Journal, Rove said, "I just think it's time."

Top Ten items on Karl Rove's agenda once he leaves the White House:

10. Walk past Patrick Fitzgerald's house, whistle
    
9. Redesign secret weather machine to produce pure carbon dioxide, then place it in stationary orbit over Al Gore
   
8. Sign on to Emperor Palpatine's campaign
   
7. Buy more Halliburton stock
   
6. Join General Motors, become TV spokesman for Hummer
   
5. Start fast-food chain to be called "Karl's Sr."
   
4. Stop sending checks to right-wing bloggers
   
3. Call up Harry Reid every half-hour, ask "Is your refrigerator running?"
   
2. Cancel date with Maureen Dowd
   
1. Mastermind George W. Bush's campaign for President of Mexico in 2012
   

Busy man.

News Item: The NBA fined SuperSonics co-owner Aubrey McClendon $250,000 two weeks after he said his group didn't buy the team to keep it in Seattle. League spokesman Mark Broussard confirmed the penalty Thursday, but said he did not immediately know the reason the fine was imposed. The comments of McClendon, an Oklahoma City energy tycoon, were at odds with commissioner David Stern's stated hope of keeping the Sonics in the city they've called home for all 40 years of their existence.

Top Ten ways Aubrey McClendon will raise the money to pay the NBA fine:

10. Cancel two full-page ads in the Oklahoman complaining about OG&E's new power plant
    
9. Foreclose on Irma's Burger Shack
   
8. Borrow it from Mark Cuban
   
7. Buy half of Seattle, sell it at a profit
   
6. Bottle deposits at Pops
   
5. Take it out of Kevin Durant's rookie contract
   
4. Buy the other half of Seattle, sell it at a profit
   
3. "For everything else, there's MasterCard"
   
2. Postpone the acquisition of two more miles of Western Avenue
   
1. Should be enough under the sofa cushions
   

Seattle may hang the guy in effigy if they can find enough hemp rope.

"If the mothers ruled the world there would be no goddamn wars in the first place." — Sally Field

Top Ten other changes you could expect if the mothers ruled the world:

10. No more salary: you're going on an allowance
    
9. "Wait until your father gets home" will carry all the gravitas of "All mimsy were the borogoves"
   
8. Two words: tricycle helmet
   
7. Photon torpedos would be introduced 200 years late and would be shaped like a taco
   
6. New Corvette: 140 hp, mandatory rear seat with infant carrier, dashboard-mounted breast pump
   
5. Two bottles of Bactine with your government cheese
   
4. Mothers Against Drunk Driving elevated to Cabinet position, loses "Drunk" from name
   
3. Deadbeat dads routinely sent to debtors' prison
   
2. Congress demands action on yeast infections
   
1. World completely destroyed on 28th day
   

Nard collectors will be in your neighborhood this week.

Ten people who need tasering more than Andrew Meyer did, in no particular order:

• O. J. Simpson
  
• Gabriele Pauli
  
• Bill Lockyer
  
• Dan Rather
  
• These four guys
  
• Bill Whatcott
  
• O. J. Simpson (again)
  

Readers will no doubt nominate candidates on their own.

News Item: The American Family Association is claiming credit for declining sales at Ford Motor Company. The Tupelo, Mississippi-based group, headed by Donald Wildmon, has called several times for a boycott of Ford products, most recently in March 2006.

Top Ten other AFA accomplishments to be highlighted in upcoming press releases:

10. The San Francisco earthquake of 1906
    
9. Eric Rudolph managed to stay out of sight for five whole years
   
8. Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture
   
7. Complete absence of homosexuals in Iran
   
6. The San Francisco earthquake of 1989
   
5. Reliability issues with VW Jetta
   
4. Pat Robertson still not dead and still has a TV show
   
3. Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, not available in San Francisco restaurants
   
2. West Hollywood not actually part of Hollywood
   
1. San Francisco Giants finish last in NL West
   

From Henry IV, Part I, Act Three:

Glendower: "I can call spirits from the vasty deep."

Hotspur: "Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call them?"

Is this ambivalence I'm seeing?

Top Ten names rejected by the band before settling on "The Donnas":

10. Judy, Judy, Judy
    
9. (Marie's The Name) His Latest Flame
   
8. Hillary Dillary Dock
   
7. The Cleopatronizers
   
6. Shirley Shirley Bo Birley
   
5. Betty Don't
   
4. Marge in alia
   
3. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia
   
2. Katrina and the Waves
   
1. Tampon 20
   

Oh, and Sheila called to thank me for not mentioning her.

News Item: The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an "Islamic car", designed for Muslim motorists. Proton is planning on teaming up with manufacturers in Iran and Turkey to create the unique vehicle. The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.

Top Ten Other Features of Proton's New "Islamic Car":

10. Infidel-resistant fenders
    
9. Sensor warns if car is about to enter drive-through at Taco Bell
   
8. Extra-long seat belt to accommodate burqa
   
7. Horn plays two bars of Scheherazade
   
6. A feature patterned after OnStar calls CAIR and The New York Times in case of emergency
   
5. Special Saudi model keeps women in back seat
   
4. Warranted for six years/72 virgins
   
3. Will not start during Ramadan
   
2. Absolutely no plans for a hybrid
   
1. Self-destructs upon entering Jewish neighborhoods
   

See your dealer today. (Suggested by LGF.)

News Item: Microsoft has asked the designers of a low-cost Linux laptop intended for children in developing nations to redesign the system so it can accommodate its Windows XP operating system.

Also on Microsoft's agenda for the coming year:

• Release of a suspiciously Apple-esque application called "mZune"

• Require buyers of new PCs who request XP instead of Vista to pay for licenses for both

• Redesign of Windows Update to erase Firefox when detected

• MSN butterfly replaced by velociraptor

• New video service called "WeTube"

• Diversification into the lucrative field of baby gear
  

Meanwhile, Chrysler chairman Bob Nardelli has asked the Environmental Protection Agency to require Toyota to retrofit the popular Prius with the rear axle and leaf springs of a Dodge Ram truck, on the basis that the battery pack is heavy and could fall through the lightweight sedan's body structure, causing a toxic spill. When it was pointed out that the extra 300 lb of weight would seriously impair fuel-economy figures on the Prius, Nardelli simply smiled.

A passel of Tufts University students have put up a blog to — well, the subtitle says it all:

One post so far, from "The Minions," who advise:

I need hardly point out that Laurence Simon objects to his traffic being called "significant." Still, the name for this new enterprise is indeed critical, and to show that I have a heart, I offer an even number of half-hearted suggestions:

• The Huffington Pissed
  
• 19-Year-Old Women With Large Breasts
  
• Like Glenn Reynolds, But Without Saying "Heh"
  
• We Thought They Were Saying "Woo-burn"
  
• Carbohydrate Wisdom
  
• My36DD
  
• Bin Laden, Done That
  
• Duncan Hunter Read This Once
  
• Panic! At The Bursar's
  
• 20-Year-Old Women With Large Breasts
  

You're very welcome.

Update: They've tweaked a few things, including the tag line, which now contains the phrase "wait till Dad finds out", and The Minions have given way to The Perfessor.

How shall we celebrate the tenth anniversary of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy? Suggestions in Comments, please.

eBay item: "You are bidding on a framed genuine FAKE birth certificate of Barack Hussein Obama. Did I say that his middle name is Hussein? I did? Okay. Here is the fun part. Because it is apparently against the rules to use the middle name of HUSSEIN, the winning bidder will have the opportunity to choose a new middle name to replace HUSSEIN. It will be inserted in the FAKE certificate. We can begin using the name, and then we won't have to worry about being arrested by the DemocRAT PC police for using the actual real name HUSSEIN."

Top Ten likewise-unacceptable middle names for Barack [           ] Obama:

10. Koresh
    
9. Diane
   
8. Jacob Jingleheimer
   
7. Amadeus
   
6. Tuvok
   
5. Ringling
   
4. Anakin
   
3. Medici
   
2. Kuhn
   
1. Insein
   

(Swiped from Fausta by way of E. M. Zanotti.)

News Item: New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has apologized amid allegations of involvement in a prostitution ring. The married father-of-three said he had acted in a way that violated his obligations to his family.

Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses:

10. "I was just trying to get her a driver's license."
    
9. "I had a hunch she'd lead me to the rest of the Gambino family."
   
8. "Did you know that hookers engage in price-fixing?"
   
7. "I was following up on Dick Grasso's expense-account file."
   
6. "Don't screw with me. I'm a Superdelegate."
   
5. "Nobody would have said a word if that goober Pataki had done anything like this."
   
4. "That fink Joe Bruno is behind this, isn't he?"
   
3. "There's got to be some way to blame this on the record industry."
   
2. "It's okay, my dad paid for it."
   
1. "Do you know how boring it gets in Albany?"
   

If anyone cares, Governor Spitzer is a Democrat.

Addendum: David Letterman did a similar list later that night. We overlap, maybe, on one item.

Coming soon to eastern Kansas, the Mustang Church of America:

So far, the only automaker actually named after a god is Mazda.

Top Ten new religious movements of an automotive nature:

10. The Porschetarians
    
9. Chevrolaity
   
8. Seekers of Infiniti
   
7. Office of the Archmitsubishop
   
6. V-Sikhs
   
5. LaSallevation Army
   
4. Gnashticism
   
3. Subarutherans
   
2. GTOrthodoxy
   
1. Society of St. Prius X
   

Jesus, we may assume, was partial to Hondas; in Acts 2, the disciples managed to get to the first Pentecost in one Accord.

(Via the heretics at Autoblog.)

"Have you given any thought to your avatar’s carbon footprint?"

Um, say what?

I have no experience with these games, so I will take this at face value. Meanwhile, I wonder what sort of environmental changes we can expect in non-computerized games, like, oh, Monopoly:

• Engine idling prohibited on Free Parking
  
• Water Works faces EPA mandate to clean up stormwater drainage
  
• Luxury Tax superseded by Carbon Tax
  
• Electric Company charges variable rent based on the time of day you land on it
  
• Passing Go now earns $185; $15 congestion charge assessed
  
• Railroads switch to cleaner diesel, raise rents
  
• Mediterranean Avenue declared brownfield
  
• Race-car token replaced by bicycle
  

I shudder to think what might happen to Scrabble.

(Via Tim Blair.)

News Item: Grant Humphreys plunked down $132,400 for the high bid in a 10-day eBay auction for the Santa Monica Pier's Ferris wheel, Jeff Klocke, marketing director for the pier's Pacific Park, announced Friday. "I asked him what he was going to do with it. He said at this point he wasn't 100 percent sure but he's going to have some fun with it with his family first," Klocke said after bidding closed at noon.

Top Ten things Grant Humphreys will not do with the Santa Monica Pier's Ferris wheel:

10. Roll it home along Route 66
    
9. Trade it for White Water Bay season tickets
   
8. Place it at the east end of Block 42, where it will obstruct the scenic view of I-235
   
7. "Dear Aubrey McClendon: Let's see you buy this!"
   
6. Trade it for Sonics season tickets
   
5. "Dear Dad: Remember that time when you wouldn't take me to Frontier City? Nyah."
   
4. Hang it on the edge of Stage Center and wait until somebody notices
   
3. Trade it for Blazers season tickets
   
2. Set it parallel to the ground, start it spinning, and watch it take out half of Myriad Gardens
   
1. Offer to mount it on top of Seattle's Space Needle
   

Note: All its base are belong to him.

Swiped from Fillyjonk, this premise (the explanation apparently originated elsewhere):

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead (note 1)
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno (and Purgatory and Paradise) (note 2)
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes: a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield (note 3)
The Three Musketeers

Notes:

• How I finished Atlas Shrugged and not this is amazing.
  
• With apologies to Jim Steinman and/or Meat Loaf, one out of three ain't good.
  
• This is David Copperfield with two Ps by Charles Dickens, not David Coperfield with one P by Edmund Wells.
  

And I could swear I've read Emma, but I can't remember where I picked it up, so I left it off.

Update: First paragraph redone to clarify credits.