14 September 2006
Wasted away again

Dear Sarah:

There is no guarantee that you will live longer if you avoid Sidecar, Marlboro Lights and Taco Bueno.

It will only seem longer.

And if it takes years off your life, so what? It's the last years, the ones where you spend half your time in the hospital and the other half trying to decipher that last letter from Medicare. How much do you think you're going to miss that?

There's nothing wrong with trying to lead a "sensible" existence. But fercrissake, don't beat yourself over the head for occasionally behaving like a real person once in a while.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:54 AM)
19 October 2006
Paging Philip Nolan

If this catches on — well, read it yourself:

Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

(Note: Not this Philip Nolan. Via Tinkerty Tonk.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:34 AM)
8 November 2006
Note to a brain-dead customer

When you close your checking account, you cannot continue to use the debit card associated with it.

I realize that this is a difficult concept for you, but focus.

(And next time, go to the farging 7-Eleven and buy a money order, fercrissake.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 4:21 PM)
24 November 2006
To an unsuspecting company

Sent by me this morning to support at infermed.com:

I have received several (let's say "dozens") of spams identified as from your user "kterefe". A sample link below:

http://www.infermed.com/Members/kterefe/Document.2006-11-20.2275556059/

(S)he is not actually using your facilities to send the spam — they come from a variety of IPs, probably hijacked and turned into zombie machines — but all the links therein point to one of kterefe's "Members" pages, such as the one above.

I trust that this will be a simple matter for you to take care of, and I thank you for listening.

cgh

Regular readers will note that this is a kinder, gentler treatment than that which I would actually prefer.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:23 AM)
15 February 2007
To an unnamed "nonprofit"

Losing a 623-page report does not make you look more intelligent.

Requesting a second copy of that 623-page report — even though you were already sent the same data in electronic form in addition to said report — well, the rest of the world can figure it out, even if you can't.

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:34 AM)
16 February 2007
Condigram

News Item: Mayor Bloomberg is meeting with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to urge her to help keep the United Nations in New York City. The United Nations is looking for a temporary home while its historic headquarters overlooking the East River get a $1.2 billion renovation, but there has been speculation the world body might look for a permanent home elsewhe