11 September 2006
Strange search-engine queries (32)

Somewhere around 6000 people come here every week, and they're not necessarily coming specifically to hear me pontificate. Sometimes they're looking for stuff like this:

"over 30" "forget about sex":  About what?

classical music dreary mournful defeat:  Obviously not a Strauss waltz.

women judge mens penis size on nudist beach:  Like they don't check you out elsewhere?

how to make a girl blush:  Have her read the previous item out loud.

How to use the word Don't:  If you have to ask, you don't need to.

Snipe Shipping S.A. Panama:  Make your snipe hunt a success!

Laura Ingraham, Monica Crowley and Ann Coulter:  <carnac>Name three women who are less chirpy than Katie Couric.</carnac>

girls what do you like better cut or uncut guys?  I can see no reason to ask me this.

"Peter Noone" "misdemeanor":  Second verse wasn't same as the first.

what is crestfallen:  Tom's condition after he dropped the toothpaste.

boobiethon photos unedited:  They don't edit any of them. However, you have to donate more money to see the more explicit ones.

"happy thoughts and fuzzy bunnies":  It perplexes me no end that I am the only result for this search.

www.dustbury.com fame:  Um, what fame?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:01 AM)
18 September 2006
Strange search-engine queries (33)

Traffic was off a smidgen this week, but that didn't stop the hardy searchers from sending their requests down the line and into my referrer logs.

worlds sexiest female 10 year old:  It is highly improper to lust after ten-year-old girls unless you're about ten yourself. Maybe even then.

will there be any 103 Dalmatians?  Those puppies have jumped the shark by now.

What's in the sack?  If it's four in the morning, me.

what is the privates sector:  From about here down.

chaz republican:  Not.

what's the importance of the witnesses verifying the resurrection:  Would you believe it otherwise?

wife and i like being nude in our yard, neighbors complain:  Two words: higher fence.

single women cop flak for being attractive:  And quite unfairly, too, I think.

republican women in pantyhose:  Not a reliable indicator, in my experience.

humor and meanness:  Don't leave home without them.

3x5x4 fanfiction:  Short stories, I assume.

Where wise men never go:  Between Al Sharpton and a camera.

Stop fumbling with that bra strap. Secrets of the one handed bra strap release revealed by an expert:  I don't even want to know what he's doing with his other hand.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:11 AM)
25 September 2006
Strange search-engine queries (34)

I was asked at the Blogger Roundup what percentage of my traffic came from search engines. The answer: forty to forty-five or so. However, very little of it is for stuff like this:

what color is an elephant?  Elephants? Red. Donkeys are blue. Questions are answered, though not more than two.

yarmulke foreskin:  Related, perhaps, but I suspect not the way you're thinking.

windshield arizona omaha steaks:  That glass gets hot in Phoenix, though probably not hot enough to grill a T-bone.

is it strange for men to want to wear women's lingerie:  Only if they want someone else to see them doing it.

gillette blades suck:  Well, actually, they scrape.

"some of them" asians "long legs":  Yes. The tall ones.

will gasoline take jewel glue off clothes:  Warm it up and let's see.

shots of girls in bikinis, bras, or nothing without penises:  Should I be grateful this isn't a request for shots of girls with penises?

oklahoma blog dust:  This is what happens when you don't post for two or three weeks.

why we should wear clothing suitable to our body figure:  Um, because otherwise we look like hell?

"itching powder" bra cups:  Here comes the next 40-year-old virgin.

what happened in the years 1995-2000:  Nothing whatsoever. The whole world went into suspended animation.

catalytic converters in the Oklahoman:  You should see the gases they'd emit otherwise.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:18 AM)
2 October 2006
Strange search-engine queries (35)

Which means we're approaching four hundred of these odd requests from Actual Searchers Worldwide. Perhaps they found what they wanted, or perhaps not.

difference between Traditional newspaper versus craigslist:  You can't get a puppy to go on craigslist.

100 ways to look stupid:  I claim expertise in only 70 or so.

how to empty a checking account:  Writing lots of checks has always worked for me.

gummi aprons sex:  I can't help but think this was an attempt at a Googlewhack; these three words have seemingly nothing in common.

take my yolk:  Please. (So saith Humpty Youngman.)

rejected otter pop flavors:  "Manatee" was turned down out of hand; they never could get "Beaver" to come out right.

why am i so normal:  All your perversities average out.

hate good looking men:  Perhaps there's a chance for me after all.

condom mnemonic devices:  You might try tying a knot in one end.

why do redheads have attitude?  Who's gonna tell them they can't? Not me.

on the streets of pittsburgh pennsylvania then again maybe not:  "How do you get error messages from Mapquest?"

minot state fair north dakota keith urban kicks canadians out before he sings:  Maybe they scare Nicole?

suppository ass:  You certainly wouldn't to chew one.

Whataburger Walter Cronkite:  "And that's the way I ordered it, Monday, October second, two thousand six."

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:18 AM)
9 October 2006
Strange search-engine queries (36)

Three dozen times I've gone to the well, and the bucket keeps coming back up, filled with stuff like this:

dick no dickless:  For Dick's sake, make up your mind.

socially inept men:  At least I've dropped out of the top 50 for this search.

Beyerstein could probably teach at FSU:  And give up Majikthise? I hope not.

10 inch penis posibility:  It's a stretch, but not unheard-of.

anakin skywalker sewing patterns:  "Luke, I am your seamstress."

homemade porn in bucks pennsylvania:  I know only a handful of people in Bucks, and they have better things to do at home.

vickie mcgehee:  No, I won't believe it for a moment. I won't.

low man on the totem pole mean:  I'm pretty low down. Mean, too.

100 ways to look stupid:  And we have 100 Senators. Coincidence?

mermaid copy protection:  I haven't figured out how they reproduce in the first place.

what happened to ponds vanishing creme:  It disappeared.

why dont women like pantyhose:  Try putting some on someday.

fake fur hydrocarbons:  Well, they gotta make it out of something.

when is my mazda 6 clutch worn:  Never after Labor Day, or on formal occasions.

autofellatio is considered a divine act:  If someone sees it, expect to hear "Oh, my God!"

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:58 AM)
16 October 2006
Strange search-engine queries (37)

Nope, we're not out of 'em yet.

sexy bitches of oklahoma looking for men:  Should I be worried?

keyboard not found:  Imagine F1 to continue.

dating hypercritical women:  Don't worry. It doesn't last long.

when i think about you i ... myself:  As well you should.

good old one on one sex:  I'm #1 for this? Sheesh.

do affairs turn into marriage:  Usually a second one, for your soon-to-be-former spouse.

are 2003 mazdas discontinued:  They sell 2007 Mazdas now.

average women frolicking nude:  Where on earth is this the average?

bob stoops hates puppies:  Unless he can find one that can fill in at running back.

how can i set my empathy and my sympathy:  I set mine to zero.

Hedgerow advantage:  Sometimes there are bustles in them. (Don't be alarmed.)

Democrats for Mary Fallin:  Surely there must be one or two.

there is no rule number 7:  There is no rule 6. (Rule 7: No pooftahs.)

hedge clippers on scrotum:  It's the new Black & Decker Home Vasectomy Kit. (Extended warranty not available.)

how to scare a woman:  Give her my phone number.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:21 AM)
23 October 2006
Strange search-engine queries (38)

"The beat goes on," said Sonny, and occasionally Cher. But Google has replaced the teenybopper as our newborn king, ah-hah.

paid $400 to have saturn speedometer reset and it stopped:  I suspect this might be illegal, even if there is no intent to defraud. (I am not, however, a lawyer.)

naked argentinian woman tierra del fuego:  Well, more likely there than in, say, Estonia.

lack of teen modesty in the bathroom:  You kidding? Usually they keep the door locked.

superheroines with great legs:  I always assumed that was a given.

chaste tree hiding marijuana:  Mine are trying to hide the gas meter.

linkin park formerly known as zero:  You mean they're not now?

Crabgrass with burrs:  Just in case you thought crabgrass by itself wasn't annoying enough.

bikini wax outlawed in switzerland:  Oh, joy, razor Bern again.

"tent in his pants":  Probably just a pup tent.

beetle on yogurt:  I think I'd throw it away on general principle.

Vinton Shellsburg football sucks:  Well, they are 3-5 (and 2-4 in the district), as of this week.

cop in tim hortons:  In a donut shop? You gotta be kidding.

how men should reject marriage proposals:  As quickly as possible.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:20 AM)
30 October 2006
Strange search-engine queries (39)

Migod, this shtick has gone on almost as long as Jack Benny. Of course, I wouldn't say that if he had his writers here.

helen parr nude:  Elastigirl? You wish.

should capricorns befriend geminis:  If you can be sure you're not getting the Evil Twin.

Evil Yogurt Underpants:  This must be Captain Underpants' Evil Twin. (Is he a Gemini?)

nerve witch runs along the outside of tongue:  As spells go, that's actually pretty impressive.

pictures of a drunken bear being shot:  It is highly unsporting to blast them while they're sozzled.

welding fish:  I once welded a perch fillet to an aluminum pan. Don't ask.

Name eastern city with scary name that gets lots of snow in winter:  As an old man with deficient libido, I reply "Lackawanna."

i30 replace analog clock:  Did you screw it up trying to set it back one hour?

"pretty feet" craigslist:  Far as I know, you can advertise for anything on there.

Walgreens Coprophagia Treatment:  I've waited in line there long enough to wish coprophagia on the entire staff.

judges ruling for strip club lewdness in tx:  Which is odd, since usually they rule against lewdness.

"my husband" "nine inch penis":  And yet you find time to type.

sherri have sex with chaz?  I don't know anyone named Sherri.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:18 AM)
6 November 2006
Strange search-engine queries (40)

And the stranger they are, the more likely they are to be cut out of Site Meter's list and posted here.

switch bodies with Cameron Diaz:  Something tells me this isn't Roseanne Barr's wish list.

aesthetic classics/oldsmobile/vodka:  It would take roughly half a bottle of Ketel One to make a late-Seventies Cutlass look good.

how do magicians saw someone in half:  Traditionally, with a saw, though modern three-way slicing techniques call for large panel-like blades.

short hair ohio bats:  During lake-effect snows they flee to Kentucky.

did southern belles wear makeup?  You'd never know it if they did.

blocking spam from senders with jumbled consonants:  You mean "zvtbhqxl@npltzjh.qzw" isn't a real email address?

how to firm slackened labia:  Two parts alum, one part Summer's Eve.

konqueror coding error icon illuminati:  Did you run the fnord job?

biting beaver "male sexuality":  It is considered bad form actually to bite it.

is yogurt colored with crushed red beetles:  Well, not the plain varieties.

ursula andress concave:  I remember her as being delightfully convex.

microsoft allegory:  It ends with Bill Gates saying "640k ought to be enough for anyone."

women nude in back yard:  Not in my back yard. I checked.

maids that do more than clean in okc:  You can't afford them.

magical quatrain to have a big bombshell breasted sexy wife:  "O spirits and powers / Grant this unto me / Adjust her rack outwards / No smaller than C."

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:16 AM)
13 November 2006
Strange search-engine queries (41)

Yes, it's yet another sifting through the referrer logs, in the hopes of finding actual search strings to which I can make snarky responses after the fact.

what do men find unattractive about naked women:  When they're out of visual range.

are there "Benefits of Media Consolidation":  For the media, maybe; for the audience, maybe not.

what does a transmission cooler do?  Surprisingly, it cools the transmission, or at least its fluid.

What kind of organ did John Lennon have?  (1) A Hammond. (2) Uncircumcised. (Next time, be more specific.)

"size 0 is too big":  Have a sandwich already. Sheesh.

chaz i love you:  Obviously a case of mistaken identity.

crown market west hartford kosher antibiotics:  Try the rugelachomycin.

fortytwo hours cybered mom:  Was dad out of town?

Puns for Argon:  Sorry, all the chemical-element puns argon; someone staged a radon the storage box, and anyway it's none of your bismuth.

how long is a quarter of an hour:  Too short, according to your girlfriend.

infamous Hollywood pseudonym employed by movie directors who wish to have their credit removed from a below-par film:  "Michael Moore".

The impact of hissy fits in Primary Care:  Reduces waiting time by 10 to 20 percent.

stockings feel weird:  Be grateful she lets you feel them at all.

how do you burn hydrocarbons:  Turn the key and press down with the right foot.

Joe Garagiola used a cuss word:  Who gives a shit?

new jersey turnpike wee wee hours:  The service centers are open 24 hours a day.

amy mcree pictures:  I get this just about every freaking week. (McRee is a news anchor for KWTV.) For the benefit of the less-curious, this goes below the fold.

Babes in varying degrees of undress

Here. The one you seek is in the center. Now leave me alone.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:17 AM)
20 November 2006
Strange search-engine queries (42)

People search the world over for the secrets of Life, The Universe, And Everything, and somehow they manage to wind up here, where they become grist for my snark mill.

what kind of car is tsuru:  It's a Nissan compact which is sold in the US as the Sentra, except on the Upper East Side of New York, where it's called the Tsuris.

are dust particles included in the life support system of living things:  Only the ones that breathe.

when is man ready to propose marriage?  She'll let him know.

miracle whip is solvents:  So that's why it soaks through the bread.

can sodium hydroxide mask cocaine in urine test:  But ... but that would be a lye.

southwest airline pilot stacy sexual reassignment surgery:  Insert "cockpit" joke here.

totally nude aerobics by ron harris:  After about three jumping jacks, he'll wish he had a cup on.

what does a pre-catalytic converter do:  Cost you twelve hundred dollars when it fails.

Penis Size Desired By Women:  I assume so, yes.

"maureen dowd makes":  No compelling argument for TimesSelect.

affordable mansions to rent in nj:  If it's affordable, it's not really a mansion, is it?

what are simmons steak knives worth:  Only $19.95. But wait! There's more!

a good slogan for berkelium:  "Despite our name, we're in the middle of the periodic table."

vendetta typeface substitution:  Verdana would work, but Trebuchet has the belligerent quality you're looking for.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:15 AM)
27 November 2006
Strange search-engine queries (43)

If you're just joining us, this is a weekly (or so it's turned out to be) list of some of the wackier requests posted at search engines that somehow landed the searcher on this site. I reproduce them here because it's a lot easier than coming up with 300 words of my own early on a Monday morning.

I want to marry an hispanic:  Shouldn't be too hard to find. (Note: This search came from the Mexican version of Google, so I stand by my statement.)

Are the Professions meritocracies?  I think of them as a labor union where everyone is shop-steward or higher.

disappearing bikini:  I wish you'd asked this of Ms Dewey. (Later: I did.)

what should i do if i accidentally consumed expired pamprin:  Buy a fresh bottle within 28 days.

invisible and i know you can't see me:  Well, that is what the word means.

official new york state reptile:  Surprisingly, it's not Chuck Schumer.

Kraft Cool Whip contains insulation:  It just tastes like it.

i live in a town with no diversity:  Not to worry. The New York Times will be along shortly.

What sex was triple crown winner Secretariat:  I actually got to see Secretariat — at Saratoga in 1973 — and, well, he was hung like a horse.

get naked and take my five inch penis:  Okay, who lent the laptop to Mark Foley?

Why Is Chicken Fighting Illegal in Kentucky:  The losers end up in the Colonel's Famous Bowls.

what goes on your permanent record:  Everything. So watch it.

advice what do women think of men wearing pantyhose:  Probably "Better you than me."

okc radio station with bob as call letters:  I may be going out on a limb here, but I have a feeling it's Bob FM.

can men and women be just friends:  Yes. Dammit.

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:50 AM)
4 December 2006
Strange search-engine queries (44)

Now is the time on dustbury.com when we dance through the referrer logs and laugh at some of the sillier things found therein.

Gilligan kept screwing up those rescues:  Of course. Otherwise, the series would have ended in six episodes (a three-hour tour).

Muslim names suited for virgos:  Islam rejects astrology in general, a decree from the Prophet himself — who reportedly was born on 26 April 570, making him a Taurus.

popeye's last name:  No one knows. Poopdeck Pappy said he couldn't remember it. (Rumors that it might have been "Garden" have so far been unfounded.)

bikini search engine:  You might try Booble.

baristas nude:  I think they're required to wear aprons.

i disagree with i think therefore i am:  How about "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together"?

what have I done wrong god:  If you have to ask, you probably already know.

is squid an aphrodisiac?  If it were, they'd charge a lot more for calamari.

how to accept a marriage proposal - not to appear overeager:  "Yes, I will" works pretty well.

What happens in men's locker rooms:  Two words: "towel snapping."

guacamole dip kraft firestone:  Yes, it does taste rather like a steel-belted radial.

Pros and cons of having a nuclear facility in palm springs:  Pro: cheap energy, limited greenhouse effect. Con: George Hamilton will drive by and wind up looking like Chris Rock.

does pepperoni contain maggots:  Not intentionally.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:27 AM)
11 December 2006
Strange search-engine queries (45)

I assure you, I wouldn't keep going to this particular well were I not absolutely certain I'd find something worth bringing up.

buy roddenberry's dill pickles:  Sandwiches. The final frontier.

novelty stores for purchasing butt plugs in oklahoma city:  Of course, "novelty stores." You think people would look for them at Best Buy?

all the things i never said:  Maybe they're on Google.

mind control tammy wynette illuminati:  Stand by your fnord.

"lou rawls" proctology:  I guess love really is a hurtin' thing.

jokes about women turning 50:  Bad idea. Trust me on this.

"involuntary celibacy" "support group":  Nice idea, but I don't think I'd go there looking for dates.

where have all the children gone:  Gone to my yard, every one. When will they ever learn?

turnstile cromulence:  Embiggens the subway ridership.

when do you change the timing belt infiniti I30:  When you feel like throwing money away, since it doesn't have one.

tampon wedding dress sheffield:  Waste not, want not.

why does the "soulmate calculator" need my cell phone number?  Read the fine print. It sends all its data via text message, which you get to pay for.

mayonnaise hair news:  You should not have mayonnaise in your hair.

do bats have hair on their wings:  I told you to keep those bats out of the mayonnaise.

why does 2005 grand prix GXP have bad front tire wear?  Front-wheel drive and 295 horsepower? What do you think?

how to make your penis taste better:  Two words: "flavored condoms."

when to leave kittens alone:  When Little Willie John tells you to.

"six toes" sexy:  I'll take your word for it, but I'll bet it's hard as heck to get her to wear sandals.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:27 AM)
18 December 2006
Strange search-engine queries (46)

While we're at it, Disturbing Search Requests now has its own domain, and while they put out less stuff than I do, the stuff they do put out is, well, disturbing.

Robin Givhans is critical of pop culture:  Who the hell isn't these days?

car with transmission problems what does it mean:  Caution: severe budget damage.

Pic of real live female cherry or maidenheads:  I think we can safely assume that this character isn't ever going to see one in person.

starting sentences with WITH:  With all the words we have available to us, why start with that one?

"songs about butts":  Dial 1-900-MIXALOT, and kick them nasty thoughts.

negatives of establishing a nude beach:  That damn sand gets in everything.

why would someone want to perform an act of vengeance:  It's much more satisfying than letting them get away with it.

dale chihuly twisted dentyne:  Glass must be getting really expensive.

women wearing coolwhip bikinis:  Quick, before it melts.

turkish snow cone sex position:  Quick, before it melts.

"Classical Music for People" Who Hate Blogspot:  There's always Eine kleine Nichtgoogle.

what are the criteria to become a Playboy Playmate:  (1) Boobage; (2) over 18 years of age; (3) boobage.

ann coulter playboy:  Well, she is over 18.

parent directory heckle and jeckle:  Probably C:\TERRYTOONS.

Obtain Wolverine Urine:  Try eBay, fanboy.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the virus:  Um, no. That was St Peter of Norton, martyred at the Temple of Symantec in '90.

platonic "asian guy" "get laid":  If it's really platonic, he won't.

can a large man fit comfortably in a Subaru Baja Sport:  In the seat, or in the bed?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:24 AM)
25 December 2006
Strange search-engine queries (47)

Whatever these folks were following, it wasn't a Star in the East.

what becomes of the broken hearted AND Bose:  Love songs played at high decibel level so you'll never know they're crying.

How does transmission problem sounds:  Grindingly expensive.

you look like a freaking gopher:  You're not so damn cute yourself.

is 1994 toyota celica GT suitable for girl drivers:  What sort of car, precisely, is not "suitable for girl drivers"?

deer hits on Vibe auto 10000 damage, will it be totaled:  My car got totaled for a mere $6000 damage.

spanking + rectal thermometer:  Just what we needed: twice the pain in the ass.

what to do after miniscus surgery:  Lying in bed and popping pain pills sounds good to me.

the japanese import cars on earth:  And export them to every planet this side of Uranus.

"men don't like me":  Aw, shaddup, Maureen.

want to know about cocaine laced with lye:  When the cops come knocking, you'll be able to flush it and be assured that it won't get stuck in the drain.

an overly robust geezer:  I think Strom Thurmond has given up dating.

Permalink to this item (posted at 9:34 AM)
1 January 2007
Strange search-engine queries (48)

At this rate, we'll reach 100 episodes of this little sideshow by the end of next year.

Scarlett OHara New Jersey Band:  Guitar, drums and bass, but no fiddler-dee-dee.

can i sue homeowner for carbon monoxide death of my husband:  Why, did she lock him in her garage or something?

"mark cuban" intj:  Yeah, you gotta be an introvert in today's NBA.

shredded coal mine boners:  This explains much about Big Bad John.

Does Daneel Olivaw ever have a relationship with a female robot?  Not that I know of; while development of female robots took place after Susan Calvin's retirement, by then Olivaw was busy with the reinvention of himself.

does a 95 mazda 626 have clutch fluid?  That depends. Does it have a clutch?

involuntary celibacy penis size:  Usually not a factor.

maureen dowd curvy:  Well, kind of.

god hates bloggers:  Actually, God hates Blogspot, and is not all that crazy about Xanga either.

scholarships for descendants of pillsbury family?  If they don't already have enough dough of their own.

How can you tell if a man is not sexually active?  For one thing, his blog is updated daily.

Permalink to this item (posted at 12:01 AM)
8 January 2007
Strange search-engine queries (49)

Shall I do these seven times? From the looks of things, I could do them seventy times seven, in which case everything up to now is tithe.

nudism in greenland:  Brrr.

nigeria builder women love scam dating "dave"  Dave's not here. He's busy wiring good-faith money to Lagos.

desmond mason married to a white woman:  Yeah, so?

bandwidth baby jesus  We're talking more than mere terabytes here.

"fat vegetarians":  A lot of them fought for the Romans, if I remember correctly.

"is it a date or hanging out":  I suggest that if it's hanging out, you probably won't get a date.

why do people zoned out?  Um, they bored silly?

Nancy Pelosi leg photos:  You'll remember that no one asked to see anything of Dennis Hastert's.

hummer windshield scraper:  Not to be confused with sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch.

illegal olsen twins in thongs:  Sorry, Chucko, the Olsen twins are legal now.

insipid GoDaddy parked page:  You should see some of the ones they actually host.

heather locklear bowlegs:  I think as close as she ever got was Tulsa.

insufficient bendy erect penis:  Seems to me, if it's bendy, it's hardly erect.

we all realize that you are reluctant to spit the 3 day old Doritos out of your mouth and think of a decent comeback but you are starting to look a little girly. Please go purge and gargle, then come back with some better lines to defend yourself:  [gulp!]

terry jacks dies:  He had joy, he had fun, he had seasons in the sun, but so far as I know, he had not stopped breathing.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:25 AM)
15 January 2007
Strange search-engine queries (50)

As Rod Bernard used to sing, this should go on forever.

who invented foreshadowing?  Somehow I knew someone was going to ask that.

resuscitate beautiful name of allah in realaudio:  There are those of us who consider the very mention of RealPlayer blasphemous.

erotic flip flop photos:  I remember when fetishes weren't so darn specific.

feng shui flying horse:  Point his hindquarters away from your rooftop.

huge erections:  I hear the Parthenon was pretty big.

lady latex burqa outfit:  Wouldn't it be easier just to have yourself vulcanized?

guys reason for whistling at uncool girls:  For they themselves are uncool and wish to broadcast this fact.

My Dr. won't take pain seriously heart attack:  Have one in his office.

how to let go of an old love:  Find a new one. (Easier said than done.)

i want to live someplace besides indiana:  Have you considered Belarus? (Note: This traced back to an IP in, yes, Crown Point, Indiana.)

Another one of those sexy glass kissing Asian babes:  Hot diggedy, there's more than one!

susan richards undoes her clothes:  Heck, Reed could do it for her from across the room.

eharmony boring ugly women:  I bet you're no prize yourself.

irritating bloggers:  You wanna know what's irritating? I'm #1 for this search.

do all redheads have fiery tempers?  I'm afraid to ask.

stiletto crushing, stiletto crushing, stiletto crushing... [repeat 13 times]:  Will somebody please plant a heel in this guy's hand so he'll quit typing?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:16 AM)
22 January 2007
Strange search-engine queries (51)

If you're just now tuning in, this is a weekly compendium of the least-explicable search strings that landed people somewhere on this site, chosen for maximum inappropriateness and/or ease of coming back with a smartass remark.

what NBA team was named after the pants worn by dutch settlers immigrants to US in 1600's:  I think we can safely assume it's not the Nets.

is it legal to telemarket accident victims in Tn:  Just distasteful and obnoxious.

who is the oldest woman to ever pose for a mens magazine:  I saw Mona Lisa in Esquire once, but I think that was a reprint.

"how to be dumped":  Curiously, or maybe not so curiously, I am #2 for this search.

is it common for guys to be curious about pantyhose and wear them:  Yes, and No, in that order.

how to be cold and calculating:  I checked this IP, and it did not come from the office of a New York Senator.

NUDE PETER NOONE:  I'm Henry the chilled, I am.

Pictures of Disneys Kim Possible having sex:  So long as she works for Disney, she doesn't do that sort of thing.

gordy's headache powder:  You mean "Goody's." Berry Gordy prided himself on giving headaches.

lonely celibate suicide loveless "get laid":  One of these things is not like the others.

is there any side effect of rearing cats at home (please answer yes or no):  Yes. People who keep cats also tend to have litter boxes. People who have litter boxes and who do not have cats should be avoided.

taping mustard packet on back during MRI:  Wouldn't it be cheaper just to buy your own microwave oven?

nancy pelosi bikini pictures:  Trade you for one of Condi Rice in Daisy Dukes.

Duluth Nudist Resort:  Are they even open in January?

is mooning someone on private property considered indecent exposure:  You might try that at the Duluth nudist resort, if they're open in January.

what is something 327 feet tall:  Bill O'Reilly standing on his ego.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
29 January 2007
Strange search-engine queries (52)

The idea here is to pore over the referrer logs, look at what came in from the search-engines, and then answer it here, although seldom in the way the searcher intended. And yes, we've done this 51 times before.

Ted Turner's quote when looking at an Egyptian woman's breasts:  I can only hope it wasn't "Hey, nice Tuts."

208,000 folks get this everyday:  "What is 'sick of The View'?"

how do i get 100,000 people to give me $5 each:  Send each of them $20.

britney spears showing flesh:  When isn't Britney Spears showing flesh?

what happens if i overstate the amount on my 1099-g:  You overpay your taxes, which is always a thrill.

rebecca the girl that came out in ass parade:  Or was it stuck out?

bush third term:  Bite your tongue.

deer don't hit me:  Lucky you. Or is this a prayer?

rules for being president:  Anything goes, except hummers.

what brand of cars do democrats drive?  Anything goes, except Hummers.

why do people leave christmas lights on after christmas:  It's too damn cold to go outside and take them down.

what 39 percent of women want for their birthday:  Not to have to count it.

Robert J. Clark shooting "Robert J. Clark":  You keep out of this. He doesn't have to shoot you now.

where is the undo key:  Right next to the "any" key.

can you buy oscar meyer bologna in England?  Until the Muslims take over completely.

dustbury hottie:  Not.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:28 AM)
5 February 2007
Strange search-engine queries (53)

About five thousand people land on this site every week. Sometimes it's deliberate; sometimes they're just looking for something. And sometimes the something they're looking for is worth mentioning here.

god of refrigeration:  Hail to thee, O mighty Freon. R-134 is but a pretender to thy mighty throne.

the river that shares its name with the city of san francisco:  Hint: it's not the Columbia.

hal cash atm:  "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't allow you to overdraw your account."

gamma girls:  Do they take beta blockers?

which females has the nicest and biggest breats [sic] according to astrology?  Gemini. Think "twins."

potable cd-r recorder:  I find that a little hard to swallow.

what does a woman with 36B bust look like:  Migod, you'd think they were rare or something.

compelling reason for your marriage to be unpublicized:  You're marrying Paris Hilton.

Chance of dying at 49:  In my case, zero.

is this a lasting treasure, or just a moment's pleasure?  If I tell you now, will you promise not to ask again?

Is it okay to use an epilator on the face?  If you don't mind feeling like you've been smooching a Weed Eater, sure.

women as doormats:  No way to get them to look up to you, believe me.

clueless men what women want:  I don't claim to know what women want, but I suspect it's not clueless men.

zip code 78666 satan:  Um, no, San Marcos.

impacts of improper disposal of chicken:  Imagine a giant beak pecking at a face — forever....

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:25 AM)
12 February 2007
Strange search-engine queries (54)

I didn't invent this concept, but I daresay, I've gotten the maximum mileage out of it. And with traffic now on the (slight) upswing — well, see for yourself.

weird search queries:  You're looking at them.

sports enema:  What, is ESPN expanding again?

jessica alba is really ugly:  You're no prize yourself.

cisco alcoholic beverage:  Not the choice of those who program routers for a living.

how to apologize to a woman when she just wants to be friends:  Wait a minute. You're apologizing to her?

bewitched kidman legs:  Which you hardly got to see in the actual movie, dammit.

nba penis size:  Let's just say it's harder to hit from the 3-point line.

when will you meet your soulmate:  About the time Satan starts banging on the pipes because the heat's off.

engine mayonnaise:  If you're actually producing this sort of thing, see your authorized dealer pronto.

dexy's equivalent meth:  Geez, Eileen, slow up a little, wouldja?

should I worry about a P0420 error code on the I30:  Depends. Can you spare $1200 for a new front tube and oxygen sensor?

"literary editor" "stuff magazine":  Finally, something to beat out "jumbo shrimp" on the Top 10 Oxymorons List.

cool minivans:  Finally, something to beat out "jumbo shrimp" on the Top 10 Oxymorons List.

lyrics: duh duh duh duh ... duh duh duh:  So I'm supposed to name that tune in fifteen Duhs?

Infinite Dress, invented by Linda Silvestri:  Anyone know what size this is?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:59 AM)
19 February 2007
Strange search-engine queries (55)

Every week, four thousand or so people wander into this site; maybe a dozen or so are singled out for this form of abuse.

is lubricant harmful when performing oral sex:  Probably not, though the flavor certainly sucks.

does yogurt have an IQ?  If it does, can we persuade it to run for Congress?

snow white penis:  I don't remember that in the story. It might explain a lot about Grumpy, though.

nanobastards:  Or, more commonly, 0.001 microbastards.

"invisible woman" striptease:  To maintain your interest, she puts her clothes on.

what is the temperature going to be in 2050?  Morning or evening?

a reason to vote for hillary:  Wait a while and some Republican will give you one.

hosiery good bare legs bad:  Depends on the legs.

fried locust okay to eat according to FDA:  I suppose, if you don't fry it in trans fats.

epson smart chip bypass:  If you can bypass it, it's not so smart, is it?

Can you start a sentence with a preposition?  In some circumstances, you can.

Worm Poop Extravaganza:  And just when we were getting tired of monster truck rallies, too.

shakespeare and constipation:  'Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but it sure feels like it.

how many mexican boyfriends are scumbuckets:  If you believe the average telenovela, rather a lot.

bore and stroke relation:  If you stroke her enough, she won't be bored.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
26 February 2007
Strange search-engine queries (56)

From the files of Site Meter, this is a selection of the least-explicable search strings which brought people to this site in the last seven days.

taller amazon women:  Are there shorter Amazon women?

failure is not an option for teachers:  Students, however, seem to fail rather a lot.

the best looking celebrity legs?  I have no idea, though I don't think Abe Vigoda would make it through the first round.

"humor" AND "phlegm" AND "quiz":  I'm just wondering how a quiz about phlegm would be humorous.

ned rorem and the beatles:  Never recorded together, so far as I know.

electrasol kosher:  I don't think so, though it's handy if you use two sets of dishes.

Involuntary Celibacy suicide:  If people were supposed to be doing themselves in for not getting any, you wouldn't be reading this, now would you?

fork with roman numerals:   How about IV K?

toll charge for Louie B. Nunn Parkway:  They took down the tollbooth, so the answer is Nunn.

top 10 reasons to date a paramedic:  Among other things, he can be at your house in three minutes flat.

life without ipods:  Most of recorded history, I should think.

backyard nudity illegal connecticut:  Actually, from a cursory reading of the applicable statute (Sec. 53a-186), I don't think it is, although you might get a scolding from Joe Lieberman.

videos of naked women not blocked by mcafee privacy service:  Gosh, McAfee can do that? I thought they just deleted viruses and stuff.

kia sedona instrument panel explanation "mystery button":  A prerecorded voice emerges from the stereo speakers, telling you not to push that again.

"Bite out of crime" premature ejaculation:  Poor McGruff. So that's why he's never on TV anymore.

why playboy playmates don't have vaginas:  They don't? Has anyone informed Hef?

what is exercising editorial license:  Not printing stuff like this.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:25 AM)
5 March 2007
Strange search-engine queries (57)

As has become customary on Monday morning, here's a variety of unusual searches that landed people somewhere within this domain.

photocell use in blister packaging:  I've always thought that the person who invented the blister pack was definitely in the dark.

coulter topless:  At least some of blogdom seems to want her beheaded, if that's close enough.

detect a girl pee in public:  I don't know about you, but if I detect a girl, I can't pee at all.

bdsm sites, in oklahoma city, oklahoma:  The State Capitol comes immediately to mind.

gm ford chrysler illuminati:  Um, that's "gm fnord chrysler illuminati."

What happens if a cop sees you mooning someone:  You spend a lunar month in the pokey.

what is the torque on a aspirin bottle?  My torque wrench keeps stumbling on those childproof caps.

"dwyane wade" tithe amount:  D-Wade makes $3,841,442 this season. Do the math. (Next year it's much more.)

is katie heigl naked in ZZYZX ROAD:  How should I know? I'm not one of the six people who saw it.

is that, those, this, these prepositions?  Them aren't.

does yogurt give you worms:  Not unless it had it to begin with.

how can i resent the OBD codes on a 2004 chrysler sebring:  Pay someone $75 to pull them.

are the characters in mozartballs actual people:  Indeed they are; I've met two of them.

sexual turn ons for sagittarius women of:  Of what? Not that I'd know anything that would turn them on, mind you.

wear pantyhose to renaissance festival:  If they're at least 400 years old.

cast of dukes of hastert:  John Boehner, Jack Abramoff, and a special appearance by Mark Foley.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
8 March 2007
High-five, hive mind

Just try to say that fast three times.

Normally I'd save this search-engine item for Monday's roundup, but time is apparently of the essence:

The Borg are coming to assimilate us on March 10th:  Yeah, yeah, resistance is futile, yadda, yadda. Just give me Seven of Nine's coordinates.

Permalink to this item (posted at 11:09 AM)
12 March 2007
Strange search-engine queries (58)

Once again, we go poking through the referrer logs for the last week to see what's snarkworthy.

relationships + what is the average length of time for a man to propose marriage:  Actual proposal (four words): six seconds. Time it takes to get him to utter those four words: could be years.

stylish gonad clothing:  Now there's one runway you don't want to see. *

why say when your cat die?  Aren't you grief-stricken at the loss of your friend? Or at the very least, that you've got this one last bag of litter that you'll never use up?

Why did women in world war II stop wearing panty hose?  Silk and nylon were deemed more essential for parachutes than for stockings. (And pantyhose weren't invented until 1959.)

paranoia, sadness with lortab:  Maybe you're not taking enough.

surgeon breast implant "reasonably competent"  I should hope so.

nudist you have a penis:  Maybe half of them do.

lotus notes animated gif in signature:  Oh, please. Like Lotus Notes isn't slow enough already.

"people who don't date":  They blog about it, ad nauseam.

do you take off your underwear when you get a bikini wax:  Look at it this way. Do you shave your underarms while wearing a T-shirt?

can you put aspirin on bikini wax:  Maybe if you keep your underwear on.

what do women think of autofellatio:  Probably that it saves them some work.

maureen dowd come-hither pumps:  To hear her talk, it takes more than that.

paranoid, overachiever, angry outbursts, narcissistic:  Who the hell's been saying I was an overachiever?

* Addendum: Not related to this.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:29 AM)
19 March 2007
Strange search-engine queries (59)

I suspect that if I didn't post anything for seven whole days, I'd still have enough material to stock this little weekly trip through the logs.

i'd rather have my daughter be a pole dancer than my son become an architect:  Of course you would. The architect has to finish his degree first.

"love funny guys":  Of course you do. This is why women will always snub Ioan Gruffudd for a shot at Gilbert Gottfried.

unattractive women, nude:  Picky, picky, picky.

oklahoma "richard morrissette" illegal:  So far as I can tell, Rep. Morrissette is in fact legal in Oklahoma.

Who sang Frankie Fontaine (King of Genital Rock):  MacLean and MacLean. In that order.

Dentyne ice international shipping via usps:  Let me understand this. You're ordering gum from overseas?

is it illegal to pay someone to clean there [sic] house in the nude:  Probably not as illegal as it is if you don't pay them after they clean.

naked pictures of employees from the pennsylvania renaissance faire:  If they stayed in costume, obviously they weren't naked, and if they didn't stay in costume, they probably got fired, in which case they were no longer employees.

i would be suitable for the position of restaurant manager because:  Um, you have no fear of grease traps?

comic sans use in business:  Not if you want to stay in business.

men pics from catalogs used by scammers on okcupid:  What? Guys being deceitful on a dating site? Whoever heard of such a thing?

i ate expired pillsbury biscuits:  How sad. How are the survivors holding up?

salons in hattiesburg that do brazilian wax:  Just once I'd like to see a salon in Brazil offering a Hattiesburg wax.

what is the government doing against low wages:  Giving itself a raise.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:26 AM)
26 March 2007
Strange search-engine queries (60)

It's the ever-popular Monday-morning wrap-up of all the weird questions asked by your friends and neighbors Tuesday through Saturday. (Well, not all of them, obviously.)

fifty year old jokes:  When Berle told them, they were already fifty years old.

who is taking ownership of crossroads mall oklahoma city:  Teenagers, sometimes armed.

Pepsi can masturbation:  I assume you don't just pop one out of the fridge.

halle berry perfect stranger masturbate:  Why, is she carrying a Pepsi can?

what accident did meatloaf have 20 years ago:  He ran into Jim Steinman's ego.

where can i get laid in tulsa:  The Doubletree has always worked for me.

enema search engines:  Is there one called Ass.com?

zyzzyx scrabble:  Rotsa ruck. First, it's a proper noun; second, you'll have to use both blanks, which means you're scoring a maximum of 26 points unless you hit a Premium Square.

babes in varying degrees of undress:  Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to reduce the variation.

funtionally illiterate survey:  Oh, look, there's some now.

leg-to-body ratio:  In most humanoids, two to one.

racket pin steering:  Yeah, I used to have a car like that.

suitable clothing to birthday:  You mean, something other than one's birthday suit?

outraging public decency Oklahoma City:  Hey, I try my best.

"a never-ending stream of the third-rate":  Hey, I try my best.

can putting yogurt in your virginia help your yeast infection:  Only if applied south of Charlottesville.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
2 April 2007
Strange search-engine queries (61)

If you're just tuning in — and where have you been? — this is a weekly exercise in which we look at what was sought by Googlers and Askers and Yahoos and such, and make fun of as many of their searches as possible.

clothing optional beaches in oklahoma:  Wait a minute. There are beaches in Oklahoma?

don't start sentences with it:  It just wouldn't be proper.

suppository fanfiction:  Right. Like there aren't enough assholes in real life.

hoosier daddy in donald duck voice:  Now, now, we don't talk about Unca Scrooge's trip to South Bend.

how much is my vintage McDonalds item worth?  If it's an actual sandwich, probably not much.

gorgeous person in distress:  There's about 60 percent of contemporary fiction, right there.

maureen dowd siblings:  "Are there any more like you at home?" he asked fearfully.

is infiniti i30 a chick car:  Mine isn't. In fact, it doesn't interest the chicks at all.

nudist wears pantyhose:  Must be a work day.

backplane sex:  Is this how you get motherboards?

weed whacker powered bicycle:  You might not want to ride this while wearing shorts.

average women naked photos:  On average, women won't pose for naked photos.

creep ogles tall women:  The creeps I know don't discriminate on the basis of height.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:26 AM)
9 April 2007
Strange search-engine queries (62)

There are a lot of pages under this domain — ten thousand or so — which means that there is a truly prodigious amount of search-engine traffic. Inevitably, this means that there will be some requests that come across as slightly weird. In this series, we look at those for which "slightly" may not necessarily apply.

accident in oklahoma that shut down southbound I-35:  Be more specific. We get those 24/7.

what happens to salad dressing when expired:  It's said to have "bought the ranch."

porn star with "five inch" penis:  You'd think those guys would be, um, too short.

snow white porn:  You'd think those guys would be, um, too short.

"southern california" superficial selfish:  You say that like it's a bad thing.

cheerios palmistry:  Much more difficult than doing it with Post Alpha-Bits.

omen hit deer in car:  You will soon meet a stranger who will identify himself as an insurance adjuster.

book value of 1975 AMC Pacer:  Almost certainly a paperback.

"Invisible Woman" makeup:  Nothing too obvious.

Dennis Hastert bikini wax:  This started with a thread on Democratic Underground; one poster remarked, "There are things that humans were not meant to know." I have to agree.

wives doing blowjobs:  I thought they became wives so they wouldn't have to do that.

"just friends" frustrating:  Tell me about it. Better yet, don't.

Lortons Puppy World:  What happens when Tulsa no longer has a daily newspaper.

how to cure phlegm:  Rub it with a mixture of salt, sugar, and potassium nitrate, then store it for no more than six months.

how to put tampa into the vagina with yogurt:  I expect St. Petersburg will have something to say about that.

Finally, since I'm still getting requests for shots of Nancy Pelosi's legs, here she is with President Assad of Syria:

Speaker Pelosi with Syrian President Assad

I refuse to speculate on whether she's had a bikini wax.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:40 AM)
16 April 2007
Strange search-engine queries (63)

What we have here is a selection of actual search strings keyed in by actual humanoids which actually landed on this site during the past week or so. We have this because, well, it beats coming up with more actual content.

trees with spiny balls:  They're called sweetgums, and if you mess with them you'll see how tough those balls can be.

"would you switch bodies":  Yeah, like someone is gonna want mine.

Women who think they’re enjoying a purely platonic relationship with a heterosexual male are either delusional or completely unattractive:  I disagree. Then again, I have to.

prius mpg actual docile drivers:  Nobody knows for sure. You drive in a docile manner around here, you get run over, hence zero mpg.

what is the greatest achievement a woman can have:  Never having to answer questions like that.

When is the 1st anniversary of Gene Pitney's death?  Eleven days ago, or approximately 264 hours from Tulsa.

Harry Reid born in slop jar:  Not true, although it is rumored he keeps his ethics in the lid of a septic tank in Pahrump.

dirty disney crotch:  Will somebody please get some damn pants on Donald?

nude sunbathing in back yard in front of neighbors:  Two words: tall fence.

if earthworms poop does it mean that they're near death:  Only the last time.

can i wear pantyhose during an MRI?  If they're nonmetallic.

where is a great place to take a guy on his birthday in WI:  Any place that has beer and brats.

her vagina looks like a hamburger:  Whatever happened to "think outside the bun"?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:29 AM)
23 April 2007
Strange search-engine queries (64)

Will they still read these, will they still need these, now there's sixty-four? We shall see.

definition of mixed emotions?  Your tobacco and petroleum investments are producing higher ROI than your "socially-responsible" investments.

Trust vs. Betrayal:  Betrayal ultimately won on appeal.

"clothing optional" at "dude ranch":  And you should see some of those dudes.

create a monthly grid report of all occurrences in excel:  I used to think that God ran the universe this way, until I realized that God would never use Microsoft Office.

what is an employee rights if she doesn't want to smoke a resident at a nursing home facility:  Most residents of nursing homes, I suspect, object to being smoked.

why are beagles so dumb sometimes:  They're specialists. If they're not hunting, they're wondering what they're supposed to be doing.

elmer fudd with a toothache:  "Ooh, you cwazy wabbit, you've ovewwidden all my pweventative dentistwy!"

stuff you put on the penis to make it taste better for oral sex:  See below.

can you use cool whip for oral sex:  See above.

what eats hornets:  Mavericks.

"shopping in the nude":  You might not want to stand in front of the frozen-food cabinets for too long.

feng shui flying horses:  Rear end facing away from my house.

lindsay beyerstein gets on my nerves:  You're taking this blogging stuff much too seriously.

do vegans eat animal crackers:  Well, not oyster crackers.

"color of the rectum":  Wait a while and it will be brown.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:27 AM)
30 April 2007
Strange search-engine queries (65)

This has turned into a regular Monday-morning feature, mostly because it saves me the trouble of thinking up an article on Monday morning, a time when my brain has the general consistency (in several senses of the word) of tapioca. Briefly, these are actual search strings, culled from my referrer logs, which brought people to this site and very likely didn't give them what they were looking for.

you do too:  No I don't.

i found a snake in my bathroom:  Make sure it doesn't use more than one square of toilet paper.

Meredith Vieira prom dress topless:  How likely is it that Meredith Vieira, who is my age, is going to the prom at all?

cows effete and impudent snobs:  Thank you, Spiro T. Angus.

hotsex moves salma hayek:  To what?

Claims Adjuster Nude photos:  I suspect that if we all had nude photos, a lot of claims would have to be adjusted.

trophy dog resin:  Because ordinary dog resin is just so ... so ordinary.

why cats on woot:  It's either that or pages and pages of "DO NOT WANT".

kitten dies everytime someone masturbates:  Impossible. If it were true, cats would have been on the endangered list for decades now.

Death Of Diabetic Cats:  I blame Cute Overload.

droll, very droll:  Actually, I just wanted to mention that I'm #2 for this.

how to lube a rubik's cube with condom lube:  You are taking this game much too seriously.

the smallest number of people in a room where the probability of two of them having the same birthday is at least 50%:  Perhaps surprisingly, twenty-three.

true romance those aren't my clothes:  Uh-oh. I smell triangle.

naked topless koreans:  If they're naked, wouldn't they be topless by default?

jean luc picard driving a cadillac:  Until he saw Riker in a 5-series Bimmer.

nude vacations in connecticut:  In the summertime, one hopes.

what should a taurus girl do if a gemini guy isn't replying to her text messages:  Resign herself to life as a Virgo?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:30 AM)
7 May 2007
Strange search-engine queries (66)

What we have here, basically, is an excuse to go back through the last week's worth of visitors (we're talking around four thousand or so), weed out the ones who got here through search engines, and them mock a dozen or so that seem mockable. It's a nasty job, but somebody's gotta do it.

floppy penis jumping jacks:  That, um, goes without saying. (Next time, go without saying it.)

does anyone know what interior home door vents are:  Nope. Nobody knows. There's been research funded by the National Science Foundation, but so far nothing.

oklahoma sheds:  On average, once a year.

"nudism" "google earth":  "Good lord, it's a satellite! Get inside and get your clothes on!"

seven of nine naked pictures:  Who has the other two?

i hate pharmacists rude overpaid customer service:  Somebody didn't get his tranqs.

why does my suburban's fuel gauge needle shake:  It's trying to keep up with the gas consumption.

are detentions on your permanent record?  The Fair Credit Reporting Act requires that they be deleted after seven years.

where is Hilary Bullings?  She's taking a shower. Call back in about 45 minutes.

iq score locker number:  No correlation. Then again, I had locker #12.

when will mazda 626 transmission fail:  About 5:30. I suggest you call for a service appointment early.

six feet tall 34dd:  And I thought I was picky.

Oklahomans have good manners:  Damn right we do. Now sit down and shut up.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:26 AM)
14 May 2007
Strange search-engine queries (67)

This is actually the 68th in the series; the very first of these compendiums was titled "Do I look like freaking Jeeves?" What's more, rather a long time passed before this became a weekly feature. Still, that first intro is worth remembering:

Today's log is even more full of questions than usual, and being the generous soul I am, I figured the least I could do is tackle some of them head-on. Every last one of these was a search-engine request that, reports SiteMeter, led to a page at this very domain.

dora the explorer smoking a weed joint:  I bet she got it from Swiper.

the pleasures of love are always in proportion to the fear:  Geez, you'd think I'd be having serious fun.

chickenshit fertilizer:  If that actually worked, Washington, D.C. would be the greenest spot on earth.

why teller wear pantyhose:  Evidently Penn is kinda kinky.

Greg Kihn sucked:  Now that's a Kihntemptible thing to say.

with a lovely naked unclothed typist (6):  And I am not known for lengthy dictation.

how to measure the iq of a human being:  Start with 100. If he at any time says "Oh, that's just the guy from the federal government, he's here to help," subtract 12.

visualizing dream girl:  I tried that, and a hand materialized from out of nowhere and slapped me silly.

King Kaufman salon transexual:  I think you've confused him with some other sportswriter.

divine sapphic lifetime hookups:  Aren't they, though?

sagittarius women give great blowjobs:  I suppose I'll have to take your word for it.

does the local option sales tax unfairly target the poor:  No more than any other sales tax.

are narcissists cruel to animals:  Only if they can find the time.

My penis aches with desire on the mountaintop of nudism:  You sure it's desire and not, say, mosquitoes?

Charles Hill arrested:  This might make sense if the next word had been "development."

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:29 AM)
21 May 2007
Strange search-engine queries (68)

As you might expect, most people use search engines to find useful information. Then there were these folks.

Where did Ann Coulter go to high school?  New Canaan (CT) High School, where she developed methods of getting the Debate Club to cry.

st. peter knows everything search engine:  It's true. However, it takes a whole lifetime to learn how to log in.

nudism etiquette and farting:  Similar to that for clothed individuals, though the one-cheek sneak is more difficult.

ask Jeeves where are pictures of naked fairies:  Jeeves stays out of this, ever since he saw Henry Wooster mooning over Tinkerbell.

what was formerly known as the end of the world?  The cancellation of The Ed Sullivan Show, in 1971.

Corvette Chastity, Prototype:  This is the model whose top doesn't go down.

pornok:  A logical extension of the NewsOK brand, but one not likely to occur to Opubco.

what can you buy a nudist for her birthday:  Jewelry. You know she'll wear that.

pave the ocean:  What, don't we have enough potholes already?

why does a dirty jockstrap smell good:  This is evidently some definition of "good" we didn't cover in English class.

chlamydia wax bikini:  I submit that if you have chlamydia, you have more immediate needs than a bikini wax.

is it illegal to bury a cat in florida:  If it's not actually dead, yes.

horizontal "parallel universe" "match.com":  Is this the one where I actually get dates?

mayonnaise in engine:  Definitely a reason to change the oil.

likelihood girlfriend 8 inch penis:  Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but I've never had a girlfriend who had an eight-inch penis, or indeed any penis at all.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:16 AM)
28 May 2007
Strange search-engine queries (69)

We will avoid the obvious jokes this week because, as Bartholomew J. Simpson might have said, they both suck and blow.

"mary katherine ham" boyfriend:  A lucky fellow indeed.

(When do Indy 500 drivers relieve themselves):  About forty seconds after the last lap.

vasectomy dementia:  So far I'm 1 for 2.

"electric meter" slow pseg:  On the other hand, who the hell wants a fast electric meter?

4 inch penis celibate:  And this surprises you why?

prius and "poor handling" and "high speed":  Not to worry. Nobody gets high speed out of a Prius.

"shopping in the nude":  Discourages pickpockets, anyway.

what does transmission failure sound like:  Often as not, like two thousand dollars.

how to successfully hide male genitalia {mtch=100}:  I recommend keeping it inside female genitalia whenever possible.

Converting Olds Alero to a greener car:  Have you tried Earl Scheib?

invisible girl levis:  "No, honey, those don't make you look fat."

everything that you can see, feel, and touch is called what?  Taxable.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:11 AM)
4 June 2007
Strange search-engine queries (70)

Once a week, we take a dip into the referrer logs — given some of the grungier material known to lurk therein, we wouldn't dare skinny-dip on the premises — and we pop out a dozen or so of the weirder requests by Googlers and Askers and other petitioners.

how many people in Chesterfield eat pizza:  All but two: one's lactose-intolerant and can't deal with the cheese, and the other cleans pizza ovens for a living and wouldn't get near the stuff.

sob ordinance southington ct:  It is time for you to stop all your sobbing, you SOB.

howard kaylan is under 6' tall:  He's a Turtle. What did you expect?

what is soap scum:  Very often on the shower curtain you will find this residue.

Stephen King writing tendencies:  This is true. He definitely has a tendency to write.

girls in bikinis knock on my door and ask for condoms:  Um, when did this become the Penthouse letters page?

Flight Attendants Have to Wear Pantyhose:  The female ones, maybe.

how to PERSUADE girlfriend Naked Photos:  Bad idea, especially if you're going to break up, which you will when she finds out you've been taking pictures on the sly.

is AARP non-partisan:  They are when they think they can get a better deal by playing both sides against the middle.

8 inch penis club:  Too short to use as a club, I think.

does burnt popcorn whiten teeth:  Perhaps on the part that doesn't break off.

drunken moose oklahoma city:  Geez, the panhandlers are getting brazen these days.

characteristics of the seven dwarfs:  Well, for one thing, they're not overly tall.

formerly fat chaz:  Let's not be jumping the gun here.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:24 AM)
11 June 2007
Strange search-engine queries (71)

Once a week, I pick up ye olde SiteMeter, turn it upside down, and look at what falls out. Some of it, you get to look at.

foxwoods AND prostitution:  Both can cost you a lot of money in the long run.

the three stooges msdos download:  On the other hand, Shemp used a Mac.

repressing crossdress:  First, see if your outfit needs pressing. If it's still crinkled, you may have to repress it.

"hannity in a dress":  Probably needs ironing, too.

how do you make gatorade:  Step 1: Catch a gator.

thumbs up george bush:  Another reason not to shake hands with Karl Rove.

gilligan nude fake:  You better believe it, little buddy.

horny + immature:  Been there, been that.

first dorkmobile:  The 1950 Nash Rambler.

Dick Cheney is cooler than Hunter S. Thompson:  I dunno. Dr. Thompson is dead, so he's probably not generating a whole lot of heat.

red beetles and doritos:  What, are you too cheap to buy salsa?

ten sexual turn ons for married women:  If I knew any of those I might still be married.

"Maureen Dowd" dustbury:  Suddenly I feel a cold chill.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:29 AM)
18 June 2007
Strange search-engine queries (72)

In this weekly feature, the contents of the logs are put in a box, shaken (not stirred), then poured out onto the table, and the least-explicable search strings are placed here for your amusement.

naturist dixie chicks:  Naw. They just strip for magazine covers once in a while.

artsy fartsy gallery tampa florida:  Founded by a couple of snowbirds, Art and Florence Phartstein from Mahwah, New Jersey.

can I use summer's eve in rectal:  For all I care, you can use WD-40.

running pfs:first choice on windows XP:  I suggest you export your data to an application more recent than the French and Indian War.

nude search engines:  Far as I know, you can use any of them in the nude, though Ms Dewey might laugh at you.

is bush going to run for a third term:  He can't. Not even Karl Rove can change that.

is a 5 inch penis unattractive to women:  Why would you ask me this?

what is oklahoma's average winter temperature?  Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss.

garbage "Cherry Lips" music video invisible how:  Good old green-screen work, with a little bit of digital cleanup.

are cottonwood trees outlawed because of their annoying seeds:  This guy's obviously never seen a sweetgum.

walmart temporary job passing personality test:  Who knew there was a personality test to work at Wal-Mart?

nick coleman zorro:  This will undoubtedly surprise anyone who reads the Star Tribune.

nightingale droppings internet purchase:  They sell all kinds of crap on the Web.

hair as number one choice for mate selection:  Obviously I will die alone.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:59 AM)
25 June 2007
Strange search-engine queries (73)

The editor, said Adlai Stevenson, is the person who separates the wheat from the chaff — and then prints the chaff. One might say, therefore, that this is the only section of the site that is truly edited.

organized people are just too lazy to look for things:  Which, you have to admit, is a powerful argument for getting organized.

antique decorated crock:  Barbara Walters is getting a wardrobe upgrade?

finger of fudge:  Because even Keebler elves need prostate exams.

value of pawn items:  About a third of what the guy pawning it hoped he'd get.

john: chronic stoner emo ranger:  Because Lebowski was, like, too animated.

song "Driving in Massachusetts":  I assume this is not Suzi Quatro's "48 Crash."

weird jobs measuring mens penises:  Have you looked on Monster?

codger, geezer, duffer, coot:  A lost John le Carré novel, I assume.

benjamin franklin's reasons for dating older women:  Well, inasmuch as he was born in 1706, he's over 300 now. What chance does he have with a 22-year-old?

correlation of fart velocity and sphincter diameter:  This assumes some familiarity with Bernoulli's principle; I assume we're dealing with compressible flow.

refloration surgery:  Not covered by insurance.

can I see a eight inch penis:  Sure. It's the four-inchers you have trouble seeing.

wixom ford plant turned into six flags:  No shortage of bumper cars.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:25 AM)
2 July 2007
Strange search-engine queries (74)

We must emphasize that each of these items is a real query, posted to a major search engine during the past week, which led the searcher to one of the ten thousand or so pages on this site; from the hundreds of queries, we've specially selected these for maximum smartass-remark potential.

nair for men on penis:  You don't want to be a smoothie that badly.

what benefit does the light train transit have:  It doesn't weigh as much, therefore it doesn't use as much fuel.

can i put mayonnaise in my hair:  The Condiment Police won't bust you, if that's what you mean.

into you she is:  So Yoda gives dating advice now?

mac sucks put gum in the floppy drive:  That would suck with just about any operating system.

bodice ripper fantasies:  Honestly, I don't know anyone who fantasizes about having her bodice ripped.

Mutt Lange buys Dr. Phil:  Must have been a present for Shania.

is it illegal to clean houses in the nude:  Not necessarily, but you can't assume the occupants of those houses will approve.

"lindsay beyerstein" "penis size":  I've never met Lindsay Beyerstein, but I'd be willing to bet she doesn't have a penis.

can a woman use a epilator in islam:  Not on her eyebrows, anyway.

joseph lieberman at nudist beach:  Gosh, he's more independent than I thought.

"tears on my pillow" and "maureen dowd":  Love is not a gadget / Love is not a toy.

condoleezza rice pedicure:  If you're gonna wear Ferragamo, you might as well do it right.

will the salon wax my rectum:  Not until they're done with Condi's pedicure.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:31 AM)
9 July 2007
Strange search-engine queries (75)

For some reason, this feature has picked up an occasional fan, but I suppose I can keep doing it anyway. If you're new around here, this is what happens: I comb through the last week's worth of Site Meter listings, note the arrivals from search engines, and make fun of the goofier ones. It's a good way to kill a Sunday evening, and it gives me a fresh post on a Monday morning.

pictures of a kid getting a reactal themometer stuck up their butt:  Obviously this person isn't anal about spelling.

marie antoinette transvestite:  "Let them wear drag."

the bustiest senior citizen in america who is she:  The winner, who prefers to remain anonymous, is a 94-year-old widow living near the Teton Range in Wyoming. She still has her original bison-hide implants.

horrible looking cakes:  Maybe someone left them out in the rain.

Vickie's Valences:  Minus three, alongside nitrides and phosphates.

sex with bag over head:  So much for sucking face.

"big flaring nostrils" -dog -cat -bird:  Perhaps you should put a bag over its head.

What do a Cadillac Escalade and C3PO have in common?  You probably shouldn't park either of them near the Mos Eisley Cantina.

definition of doomaflatchie:  It's like those thingumabobs and those other gizmos.

mean bitches crushing mens balls:  Yeah, I'd say that's mean.

yogurt of the eighties:  Surely it's spoiled by now.

5 inch penis is satisfying:  "And who do you expect to satisfy with that?" she asked. "Me," he replied.

president united states america country marine corporation bank of america corporation buyers at 6% wait for buyers at 3% conceal buyer human flesh livers penis and hearts bank of satan chruch employees masonic members 59th lodge israel trade switzerland from murder incorporated liberia human flesh language of human consumption locate correct address bank of america within san francisco california human flesh buyer corruption bribery the popatoe industry as front money increase too buyer human body parts for satanic rite cheifton dinner buyers consumers bank of america canobolism employees location usa fbi gov directer 14155537400?  Somebody's working on a Conspiracy Theory of Everything. (The phone number, as it happens, reaches the FBI's San Francisco office.)

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:58 AM)
16 July 2007
Strange search-engine queries (76)

I may be on the road, but the Googlers and Yahooligans and whatever keep coming, so, with apologies to Russell Cardwell, here we go again.

good pair of nude hose that look invisible:  Might as well get a can of spray and be done with it; at least it won't run. (You hope.)

how to tell the difference between a girl finch and a boy finch:  I'll just bet it's somehow pecker-related.

scoreboard bedroom light:  I wouldn't know. I seldom score there.

"nine years old" 36c bra:  If it's that old, you might as well throw it away.

cocaine lye:  But J. J. Cale told me she don't lye.

used jockstrap lou christie:  No wonder the gypsy cried. She could barely breathe.

male enhancement 5 seconds:  If it's only 5 seconds, it's not much of an enhancement, is it?

is modern lyric writing just blither:  No. It also contains bathos, pretentiousness, and dubious rhyme schemes.

claims adjuster nude:  Honey, that wasn't a claim he was adjusting.

is there anyone who likes working in retail:  That character who wangled the 90-percent employee discount, maybe.

What Is Octagon Soap Used For?  Among other things, washing stop signs.

transvestite women welding while at weddings:  Insert "hot rods" joke here.

girls in bikinis knock on my door and ask for condoms:  Right. Sure they do.

r'lyeh mcgehee:  Cthulhu comes to Coweta!

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:27 AM)
23 July 2007
Strange search-engine queries (77)

As usual on Monday morning, we present entirely too many examples of the search string at its strangest: each and every one of these showed up in my referrer log during the last week.

menendez brothers clemency:  For what? Because they're orphans?

"elton john" boron:  A major component of Crocodile Rock.

just friends unattractive:  Maybe, but sometimes it's the only alternative you get. (This site is also #1 on Google for "unattractive dating".)

is subaru for democrats?  They don't ask your affiliation at the dealership.

"car that runs on" "fairy dust":  Must be a Subaru.

antique pictures university of oklahoma athletics:  From a time when they weren't under NCAA investigation, I assume.

i-65 traffic accident outside atlanta georgia on 16 july:  Since I-65 doesn't come close to Atlanta, this must mean all of them.

peter noone nude:  I'm Henry with 8, I am.

she was too sexy to be a librarian:  So they hid her behind the reference desk and hoped no one would notice.

Dan Blocker penis size:  Didn't you figure there was a reason they called him "Hoss"?

am i gay for getting a brazilian bikini wax:  Not unless you got it from Glenn Greenwald.

walt disney is a perv:  But he's a dead perv.

chemical formula C3PO:  Tricarbon oxyphosphate? Doesn't look stable to me.

why are we here:  Because we were already over there.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:57 AM)
30 July 2007
Strange search-engine queries (78)

Yes, it's time once again for the roundup of the wackiest search strings plucked out of a week's worth of referrer logs. Keep in mind, we're making fun of the search, not of the searcher. (You think they bought that?)

diane rehm mark twain huckleberry finn  In fact, Diane was the original Becky Thatcher; her 21st-century voice problems can be traced to spending all that time in a damp cave with Tom Sawyer.

good and bad effects of maggots as a burger additive:  There are good effects?

drawbacks of being well-hung:  There are drawbacks?

Oklahoma City Jesus cries:  You'd cry too if you had to deal with the traffic at Penn and Memorial.

10 ways the amish party like it's 1899:  Hint: the barn door is open.

Republicans drive a Subaru:  It could happen. I once saw a Volvo with no bumper stickers.

witch spell reduce penis size:  Laughing and pointing is usually enough.

can you get chlamydia through thongs:  Okay, it's official, the Classic American Dry Hump is dead.

Where is the jacking point:  I'm partial to the bedroom myself.

a tulsa church that isn't scary:  This guy takes "scare the hell out of you" literally.

"where are the horniest women":  Attending church services in Tulsa.

unclothed not safe at work:  Depends on whether you have the air conditioning cranked up.

baby boomers hope they die before they get old:  Is that a statement or a wish?

search engines strange front ends ms dewey:  Ms Dewey's front end looks fine to me.

mayonnaise penis:  Um, that ain't mayonnaise.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:14 AM)
6 August 2007
Strange search-engine queries (79)

The referrer log is a river, endlessly flowing, bringing the details of your visits; once in a while I stick in a pan, shake it a bit, and see if I can come up with some pure comic gold, or at least some risible pyrite.

is it illegal to be in your back yard naked in phoenix:  Not necessarily, but you'd better have SPF 6.0221415 × 1023.

walmart how do they get away with paying such low wages:  Because you keep shopping there.

der wienerschnitzel vegan:  Cognitive dissonance boiled down to three words.

clever ways to deal with a steep driveway in the winter:  "Bribe your neighbor to shovel it off" seems like it might work.

girlfriend says penis taste weird:  Compared to what? Arugula? Zucchini?

big hooters:  The one on I-240 is 5,285 square feet.

ocelot spleen:  We never get requests for proper food.

how to get infinite minutes on a motorola V170 phone:  Plug the flux capacitor directly into the charging port.

INTJs don't date:  Not true. They just won't date you.

what does it mean when a transmission is rebuilt:  It means you get to write a very large check.

how do I undress the Feng twins:  Presumably one at a time.

car is an extension of men's penis:  If that were the case, you'd see bigger bumper guards.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:15 AM)
13 August 2007
Strange search-engine queries (80)

In case you just wandered in here from Lower Slobbovia — we're higher, though not tremendously so — once a week I shake out the contents of the referrer logs and assemble a compilation of search strings chosen for their sheer weirdness. The figure above in parentheses indicates that I've done this a few times before.

it ain't gonna suck itself:  Too bad. I'd love to see that on video.

"second life" male bushy pubic hair:  Because it's so hard to grow in real life.

steven tyler airbrushed paintings:  Didn't help. Still looks like Steven Tyler.

naked montanans:  You just want to see somebody's Butte.

erotic chrome female robots:  That will be $2000 extra.

jello in loincloth:  No wonder Tarzan looks so glum these days.

men invented pantyhose make them wear it:  I don't think this is quite the sort of precedent you want to establish.

nudism in greenland:  See? There's an upside to global warming.

worm poop x-games:  Now that's "extreme."

naked women in new jersey married looking to get laid:  So far as I know, there are no naked women in New Jersey.

john edwards 5000 square foot home:  Home? That's the garage.

nude sunbath fence next door peek:  You do and I'll poke your eye out.

treating coprophagia with flintstones vitamins:  "Here, honey, try some of these. They taste like crap."

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:29 AM)
20 August 2007
Strange search-engine queries (81)

I never quite seem to run out of these, and apparently the demand hasn't run out either, so:

human flesh forks:  You'll also need spoons for the brains.

all girls legs in 1969:  Forget about it. It's thoughts of that sort which caused me to drop from fourth in my class to seventh.

should one tip sonic drive-in servers:  If you can do so without getting your drink spilled.

"air bags" boobs:  No real resemblance, unless you have a bra that looks like a steering wheel.

yellow spidery things in room:  Maybe it's, um, yellow spiders.

rub little white girls on the ass:  A good way to get a little white hand across your face.

eharmony "unattractive women":  Realistically, what are your chances of finding a supermodel on a dating site?

bob looks lilke it's going to need a beefy:  What, did he find a supermodel on a dating site or something?

tired sexy girls less than 18 years:  If they're that young, they shouldn't be tired.

what type of person normally buys a 2007 Lexus RX 350?  The type of person who wants a Toyota Highlander but wouldn't be caught dead in a Toyota dealership.

Nichols Hills panhandler:  Has neatly-printed sign that says GOD BLESS YOU. HAVE YOU GOT ANY GREY POUPON?

is it ok to just walk away from an argument?  Um, did you say something?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:47 AM)
27 August 2007
Strange search-engine queries (82)

Four thousand people a week (more or less) visit this site, and at least a third of them come here, not because they think I'm so by-gosh wonderful, but because they're looking for something very specific. And if they're looking for something that's both very specific and very weird, it ends up here.

ayn rand doofus:  But a fiercely-independent doofus.

amish built mobile homes in springfield missouri:  Mobile barns, maybe.

Are wood floors supposed to creak?  If they don't, I start to suspect laminate.

crazy wife girlwatching:  If your wife catches you girlwatching, she might well go crazy.

funtionally illiterate survey:  See "self-fulfilling prophecy."

are there any nudist clubs in oklahoma?  Yes.

what homeowners need to know about live in boyfriends:  They're never around when you need the lawn mowed.

psychedelic underpants:  Wasn't that an LP by the Blues Magoos? *

What is the most overrated virtue:  Sympathy, especially when it's used to justify political schemes.

What is a reasonable amount of time to wait to have sex again with your husband after you find out he has been cheating on you for 7 yrs?  How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

cuddle a vulture:  When you get done, I have a sloth that needs speeding up.

i checked someone else's "voice mail" at work:  Which is how you got tagged with the term "snoop."

insane furniture building directions:  Take the second light after you pass the vacant lot where the old church used to be, and then keep going until you think you've gone too far, then hang a left.

does fur affect the penis if you rub it against it:  Whose fur?


* No.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:53 AM)
3 September 2007
Strange search-engine queries (83)

Not that I've gained any new readers lately, but if this is your first visit, what you're seeing is a compilation of some of the actual strings entered into search engines that led people to this very site, selected largely on the basis of whether I could think up some smartass remark about them.

circuit city shoplifting policy:  They're against it.

sword is better than pen:  More viscerally satisfying, anyway.

"Dakota Fanning" Lolita:  Bad idea. Besides, who could play Quilty? Johnny Knoxville?

doo dooo dooo doo doo doo doo dooo woo:  That doo woo that you do so well.

it's wrong for just one company to make the game Monopoly:  Well, that's Life®.

i need someplace privately to vent for free:  May I suggest Blogspot? It costs nothing, and it will be years before anybody sees anything you've written.

what happened to my lotus smartsuite:  You probably upgraded to Windows XP and now it craps out every time you try to load a file.

can a foetus be invisible at 8 weeks:  Well, it probably won't show from the outside.

baristas that give blowjobs:  Doesn't sound like any Starbucks I've ever seen.

vintage deadly curvaceous women in undergarments:  Doesn't sound like any baristas I've ever seen.

make your jeep hemi faster with pantyhose:  Obviously this won't work in the Jeep Commando.

but no one will understand lyrics:  Maybe if you can get the singer to enunciate a little better.

whiy is it called a porsche nine eleven illuminati:  What were you expecting? A Fnord Fnocus?

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:24 AM)
10 September 2007
Strange search-engine queries (84)

Time to shake out the ol' referrer logs and see what falls out.

don't begin sentence with "it":  It is simply not done.

how to pronounce nacogdoches:  As Groucho once said, it rhymes with "full of roaches."

why isn't golf on KFOR in HD:  Better yet, why isn't golf on the radio?

"blackmail" bra:  Perhaps, if you catch the guy wearing it.

peek in his shorts:  You do and he'll hit you with his bra.

pornographic zip codes:  This would make more sense if it were unzip codes.

"invisible woman" nude:  How would you know?

what is the chemical formula for Unobtainium:  If we knew that, we could tell you how to obtain it.

innies and outies torture photos:  This doesn't sound like your ordinary, garden-variety navel-gazing.

Paul McCartney's Ebony & Ivory, example of syncretism:  Example of boredom, maybe.

tips on how to produce tub farts in a bubble bath:  Really, does anyone need instructions for this?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:07 AM)
17 September 2007
Strange search-engine queries (85)

Some people come to this site because they darn well want to, and we thank them for their patronage. But just as many wind up here because they keyed something into a search box somewhere, and we thank them for providing us with a seemingly-endless supply of grist for this particular weekly mill.

frolicking in women's clothes:  I see this all the time, usually performed by women.

uses of transmission coolers:  1. Cooling transmissions.

abstinence unattractive anyway:  If you think about it, this could be a three-word short story, though it screams out for a verb of some sort.

transmission jerks mazda 626 1994:  I know a guy with a Mazda 626 and the transmission jerks charged him pretty close to $1,994.

discreet redheads in denton texas:  I know nothing about redheads, so I wouldn't dare speculate as to their level of discretion.

weightwatchers points for salty iguana:  Probably the same as for ordinary iguana, unless you're on a low-sodium diet.

pig vagina yogurt:  Wouldn't you rather have some nice salty iguana?

what is an anal attentive asshole:  Believe me, if you'd ever dated one, you'd know.

stridex pants:  I assume these prevent acne of the ass and promote anal attentiveness.

mercedes excrescences:  Have you seen an R-Class lately?

walmart republican target democrat:  Where do the Greens shop? Steve & Barry's?

meredith vieira doesn't wear underwear:  Willard Scott would be rolling over in his grave if he were actually, you know, dead.

ana patricia candiani legs:  I bet Telemundo makes her wear underwear.

what happens when you meet a soulmate:  Nothing, because it's always somebody else's.

genitally modified french fries:  I'll thank you to keep that thing out of my lunch.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:57 AM)
24 September 2007
Strange search-engine queries (86)

Once a week, I take out my fine-toothed comb, which hasn't been useful on my actual hair for a couple of decades now, and I go through the referrer logs, looking for the sort of search string out of which I can wring a few cheap laffs. You'd be surprised, or appalled, at how well this works.

are m&m made from beetles:  Not the green ones.

pantyhose smoke meth crossdress dad:  What is this, the proposal for a new "reality" TV series?

skirt "without showing your underwear":  Do not think you can escape this requirement by not wearing underwear.

condoleezza rice - short skirts:  Well, not so short that you can see her underwear.

will a woman uncross her legs for you to take a peek and then recross them?  Most women: probably not. Condi: definitely not.

constipation atomic cocktail:  Some people have neither patience nor Dulcolax.

8 inch boyfriend:  Really? How big's his wang?

welding smoke can affect on penis:  I believe one should always wear pants while welding.

McDonalds lawsuit over chicken bones in mcnuggets:  Wouldn't this imply the presence of actual chicken?

oprah "cookies tossed":  While she can afford to outsource it, generally Oprah prefers to toss her own cookies.

"former social security recipient":  New euphemism for "deceased."

do check cashing places check for high school education:  For customers, or for staff?

dustbury system:  Find a piece of shtick and work it a minimum of eighty-six times.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:28 AM)
1 October 2007
Strange search-engine queries (87)

A new month, a mostly-new season, but more of the same old thing. Next person who asks the reason for my longevity, I'm going to point to this category and remind him that dead horses seldom object to the beatings.

is she into me or not:  Not. If she were into you, you'd have no time for Google.

sob ordinance crown point:  It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing.

dating "the women i like" "san francisco":  There doesn't seem to be much point in dating women you don't like.

rush ruled under satan's hand:  Or, more contemporary and just as believable: Hinder — "How I Need Dorks Enjoying Recordings."

voters on hotenough.org are jealous and vote low:  Because nothing induces envy like a low-resolution photograph of someone you'll never see in real life.

crossdress caught by mom:  She was wondering who'd been stealing her underwear.

"are you a girl":  No. And this is my own underwear, I'll have you know.

is baking soda okay to ingest for celica people:  I owned a Celica for many years, but it never occurred to me to pig out on the old Arm & Hammer.

here's some naked pictures to help you masturbate:  If you're really creative, you don't need pictures.

using non premium gasoline in infiniti q45:  You can afford a $55,000 car, but you can't afford an extra twenty-five cents a gallon?

groin vault in terre haute:  Because Hoosiers should never have to worry about going groinless.

who the hell is jacob weinstein:  How the hell should I know?

how to persuade wife to get brazilian wax:  You might try offering her a vacation in Brazil.

shoplifting at the Home Depot or Lowes:  If you have to choose, pick the one that doesn't have your desired item on a weekly special.

what items do pawn shops pay a lot for:  Things that aren't shoplifted from the Home Depot or Lowes.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:27 AM)
8 October 2007
Strange search-engine queries (88)

Well, let's see what the Googlers and the Askers and all those other Yahoos out there have wrought this week:

how to kill an hour:  Go back through about 4000 referrer-log entries and hope you find something funny.

High Heel Shoes: Does it affect female personality?  I think you can safely assume that it does once she starts saying something to the effect that "These effing shoes are killing me."

"maureen dowd" lesbian:  You mean men really aren't necessary?

Is Today Dinamic Range Overloading Older Audio Equipment:  What dynamic range? Everything these days is compressed to within an inch of its life.

intj rationalization people hate you:  Maybe, but if you're really an INTJ you don't give a damn.

should you be naked when you masturbate:  Maybe, but if you're really an INTJ you don't give a damn.

Carnation Instant Bitch:  Breakfast of champions.

how i find sluts in karachi pakistan:  Pretty much the same way you'd find sluts anywhere else, I imagine.

autozone diagnostic codes believable:  The codes, certainly. The interpretation, not so certainly.

What happened to PFS First Choice software:  Eventually, it was no longer the first choice.

philosophers who advocate non-competitiveness in education & sport:  The technical term is "losers."

kwyjibo online dating:  You mean someone might actually want a big, dumb, balding North American ape with no chin and a short temper?

how does home depot find shoplifters:  Usually surly and uncooperative.

is it ok to use an expired enema kit:  It might be, but keep in mind that this answer is entirely suppository.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:50 AM)
15 October 2007
Strange search-engine queries (89)

There was an unexpected uptick in traffic this past week. Did this result in more gems for this section? Well, let's see:

women set to outearn men by 2025:  And it's only 0630 now.

Maureen Dowd nipple:  Traditionally, these come in pairs.

barn to be wild:  You might try the Round Barn in Arcadia. No corners to hide in.

grandmas should not wear thongs:  Doesn't this, like, depend on the grandma, and whether she also wears Depends?

daughter bathroom divestiture video frequency:  I dunno about you, but my daughter doesn't want any video when she divests, not even once.

okc core to shore, what will happen, original crosstown:  It will be replaced by a ground-level boulevard that will have no parking spaces beneath it.

a cure for two old farts who stay at home:  Have you tried Febreze?

the beaufort gazette, students defecate in burger king bathroom:  Have you tried Febreze?

kia sedona has urine smell coming from air conditioning vents:  Have you tried Febreze?

girls laughing at penis:  Think of it as a very effective birth-control alternative.

wearing underpants to bed reduce size of penis:  I can report only that not wearing them does not make it grow.

crossdresser wears a bra 24/7 to grow bigger breasts:  But does he wear underpants to bed?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:30 AM)
22 October 2007
Strange search-engine queries (90)

The climate changes, little by little; the weather changes, sometimes a lot; but one thing that never changes, apparently, is the fact that some people have a gift for coming up with odd search strings. (And another is my willingness to exploit that gift for my own nefarious purposes.)

toll road expense Omaha to Oklahoma City I-35:  Aside from the fact that I-35 doesn't go through Omaha at all, if you take I-29 to Kansas City and then I-35 the rest of the way, the Kansas Turnpike Authority will relieve you of $5.25 for the stretch south of Emporia.

Interstate 35 and Red China:  I-35 doesn't go through China at all. First go to Omaha, then follow the instructions above.

prime numbered streets:  Among others, 2nd, 3rd and 5th.

kim possible costume crossdress:  I like the idea, but have you seen that girl's waistline? You're going to have to be laced in with high-tension wire.

size of the biggest men's penis in Nigeria:  According to one letter I received, it's eleven and a half inches; however, its owner has died, and if I wire $10,000 to his heirs by next Saturday, I can have four and a quarter for myself.

Mo Rocca and Ann Coulter in a Hot Tub:  This search is useless without pictures.

do they plug the rectum of prison inmates before execution in the electric chair:  Ask the poor soul who gets to clean the chair.

aanr "shed":  As an AANR member, I think it's safe to say they're using it as a verb.

urinal cake not really cake:  It's not? Well, piss on it, then.

rush limbaugh's yearly income?  Probably enough to pay for his own damn health insurance.

are priuses really green:  Most of them seem to be either gray or silver metallic.

frequency of 10 inch penises:  1 Hz.

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:58 AM)
29 October 2007
Strange search-engine queries (91)

This is one of those things I do in lieu of actually providing content: raid the referrer logs for potential yocks. (Hey, it's worked before.)

"bullet headed" "leftist intellectual":  Most of your leftist intellectuals cringe at the mere thought of bullets.

what is the least amount of clothing legally permissible for halloween:  Enough so that moving the bag doesn't cause exposure.

nudist cartwheeling girls pics:  Sorry, no upskirts for you.

did shirley jones get spanked growing up:  I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she'd paddled Jack Cassidy once or twice.

Sons Experimenting With Mom's Silken Undergarments:  Let's hope they're just measuring tensile strength.

promiscuity excuse for sluttiness:  Couldn't it just as likely be sluttiness as an excuse for promiscuity?

Who Is Considered not a Minority:  White guys. That's about it.

Narcissists crossdress:  But they crossdress well.

bikini wax near new canaan ct:  I guess Martha Stewart is dating again.

100,000 leagues under my nutsack wiki:  Just how many contributors do you expect to this wiki?

people over seventy-five should be required to renew their driver's license every year:  Some of them shouldn't be allowed to renew.

man wearing pantyhose at texas renaissance festival:  Sounds like a codpiece salesman looking for leads.

10 inch penis girlfriend afraid:  I'd be afraid if my girlfriend had a 10-inch penis.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:24 AM)
5 November 2007
Strange search-engine queries (92)

The new Hakia service combines a search engine with social networking: you can ostensibly meet people who've searched for the things in which you're interested. This might even work, though I don't think I want to meet the people who generated the searches reported here each week.

"tall beautiful women" nude:  Not at all picky, this guy.

my boyfriends 10 inch erection hit the steering wheel:  Tell him to wear pants when he drives.

Rep. Ronald V. Dellums niggardly:  Not so, and you're a blackguard for even suggesting such a thing.

How much money is saved per family on daylight saving time?  As a general rule, not a damn cent.

walgreens 60000th store washington dc:  What'll you bet it's right across the street from a Rite-Aid?

sticky, slimy brown gel like stuff under skirt of trailer:  Uh-oh. Somebody just backed over a wino.

pantyhose fur stiletto silk transvestite fiction:  I'd say that just about covers the genre.

dating uses bases to represent relationship second base is boobs:  Of course, she could be waiting for a sacrifice fly.

why is it bad to live in a flood plain:  Hint: they're not named after Curt Flood.

spammer punishments:  Declining stocks, expensive drugs, full-priced software, and an ever-diminishing wang.

how to disown a team in the nba fantasy team at nba.com:  Sell it to Clay Bennett.

(general motors) (tampons) (sexual harrassment):  Well, then, how about a Hummer?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:15 AM)
12 November 2007
Strange search-engine queries (93)

Once again it's time to upend the referrer logs, shake, and see if anything amusing falls out.

minimum penis size you would marry:  Are penises allowed to marry? (Can you even have one for a roommate?)

sagittarius girl rejected marriage proposal:  Maybe she just wasn't interested in a Virgo.

bill clinton does not drink:  In his younger days, he could drink you under the table. And, as long as you're under the table....

percent of women with midget fetish:  Undoubtedly a small percentage.

chocolateless brownie recipe:  Then wash it down with a near-beer.

why are nuts so expensive:  It's a plot by Shell to control squirrels.

where are streetwalkers in Tulsa?  Have you tried, um, the street?

anti-lick brakes:  Not that rotors taste so good.

Are Crocs shoes edible:  I'd sooner eat a brake rotor.

is there an oven used to make crack cocaine:  You're looking for the Easy-Flake Oven™.

what do women think about men wearing anal plugs:  Their first thought is probably "What a bunch of assholes."

Condoleezza Rice wears pantyhose:  So?

How to approach a girl you have never met before if youre an intj:  The true INTJ spends no time wondering about such things: if she has anything to recommend her, she'll introduce herself.

"charles g. hill" french:  I don't think I've ever been frenched.

yogurt sam houston parkway:  Of course, being Texas yogurt, it contains jalapeños.

all the candidates suck:  I'm pretty sure Hillary won't.

Permalink to this item (posted at 5:55 AM)
19 November 2007
Strange search-engine queries (94)

For the newcomers: this is a Monday-morning gathering (usually done Sunday evening) of the oddest searches found in my referrer logs. (Sometimes they're a tad raunchier than I'd like to admit, in which case I send them here.) This being Thanksgiving week, I'd like to express my gratitude to the hundreds of people who have put together search strings worthy of this feature.

"you think, therefore i am":  Yeah, that's it. I think.

duluth women naked pictures:  Taken during the summer, I presume.

what did massachusetts look like in 1776:  Less traffic, for one thing.

shvit meaning:  Fvuck if I know.

Why aren't you using Linux:  Ask me that when they try to sell me a Vista machine.

When she's just not into you as you are to her:  I believe the technical term for that is "life."

Trans-Siberian Orchestra sucks laughable awful:  Don't hold back now. Tell us what you really think.

very hard screaming sexy metal girls:  Did any of them show up at the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert?

what to expect when you replace your transmission:  Much smoother operation and a much thinner wallet.

bland insipid osmond:  That would be Jimmy.

where do I bury St. Theresa:  I didn't even know she was sick.

maureen wants to see big penises:  So that's what they meant by "Times Select."

post menopausal closet communist hag:  Sorry, only one Dowd joke per week.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:23 AM)
26 November 2007
Strange search-engine queries (95)

For the last few Mondays, we've been looking to see what sort of search strings brought people to this site, and once in a while there's something worth snarking about. The following will illustrate what we mean.

where is marilyn monroe's ghost?  Doing The Crucible in summer stock.

low skill/low wage, kmart:  The customers, or the staff?

"seven of nine" naked:  Wow. Resistance really is futile.

"super attractive" shy intimidating:  If you're intimidating enough, no one need ever know you're shy.

Warner Bros record label, how are they running it?  Like most labels, into the ground.

my car wont pass smog because of the obdii connection system:  Guess what? It won't pass if you take it off, either.

sharon resultan sperm:  This is not why Jim Cantore's always on the road, is it?

"maureen dowd" "big feet":  Let's just say she has some awfully big shoes to fill.

grape nuts beer:  "Where are you most likely to find barley around the house?"

"Weird Al" Yankovic is a strict vegan and forbids Dasani water:  Also Grape-Nuts and beer.

I want to see women put mayonnaise in hair:  No, you don't. Trust me on this.

streaming video porn muslim:  You'd be better off watching women putting mayonnaise in their hair.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:56 PM)
3 December 2007
Strange search-engine queries (96)

Yes, buoys and gulls, it's time for yet another installment of the blog feature that gives you Actual Search Strings leading to this very site. Buckle up, and be sure to keep both hands inside the browser.

libertarian right to die:  Absolutely. Just don't expect the county to bury you.

where's the oil pressure gauge in kia sedona:  At the parts place, waiting for you to buy it and have it installed.

tuck the wei lu:  Oh, damn, it's showing again.

would you turn down a seven inch dick:  At the very least, it ought to be tucked.

emotions related to the new beetle:  "Remember when these used to be economy cars?"

florida toyota dealer willing to export:  Curiously, this came from Canada.

do I have 4 or 3 speed transmission:  At least it's not a 2.

indecent exposure and location of genitalia male versus female:  Technically, it's not the location that creates the indecency.

ask jeeves auto erotic death:  This doesn't strike me as the sort of thing Jeeves would do.

dip scrotum in yogurt:  This doesn't strike me as the sort of thing Jeeves would do.

apologize when someone sees you naked:  I think they should, if only because they shouldn't be peering over my fence.

why is milk put in cereal:  Because putting it in chili makes people want to hurl.

Pics of Women with massive glutes:  You don't do much shopping on weekends, do you?

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:54 AM)
10 December 2007
Strange search-engine queries (97)

This feature appears once a week, largely because in seven days I can usually accumulate about a dozen search strings worth mentioning here without too much difficulty. Let's dip into the log and see what we can find....

Avoidance Avoidance complex:  I used to live in a complex like that. The rent was too high for the value received.

walt whitman song of myself subjectivity:  The subjectivity would intoxicate you so, but I shall not let it.

What sort of attitudes will attract boys:  I have no idea; I've never attracted any boys.

did woman in the 1600's wear underwear:  She did if she wanted to attract boys.

kosher men's penises:  I suppose this depends on how the men are killed.

what percent of lottery winners are usually back at their sucky life?  Probably close to 100 percent, since the vast majority of winners get tiny prizes like $5 or $10.

Burton Genuine Tongue Funeral:  Because who wants a counterfeit? And anyway, it's "Tong."

clinton lewinsky something-gate:  "Genuine Tongue" for some reason comes to mind.

how much can I download with 17,000 megabytes:  A lot more than you could without it.

what was the first year the bulldogs won the champing ships:  I honestly had no idea you could get ships to champ.

erotic big breasted ugly crone gallery:  The very definition of "different strokes for different folks."

that weird woman who has a list of strange things people have typed into search engines:  You wouldn't happen to have her phone number, would you?

do vegans give blowjobs:  Far as I know, they don't allow meat in their mouths.

boyfriend's penis tastes like latex:  Um, you're doing it wrong.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:33 AM)
17 December 2007
Strange search-engine queries (98)

About once a week, we drop everything, pick up the referrer logs, invert them, shake two or three times, and anything funny that falls out ends up here.

fudge cannon:  I demand that you shoot me now.

what's going to happen in 2060 weather:  Partly cloudy, high 62, low 39, winds northerly at 5 to 10 mph.

celica temperature gauge rising when your heart is blowing cold:  I had an overheating issue the same week my divorce papers came through. Coincidence? I think not.

dreck industries bergdorf:  No longer an exclusive; you can find dreck at many stores.

ugly women in bikinis photos:  More common than you'd think, or perhaps want.

How can I upgrade my card to the bank of america hello kitty card:  This is your idea of an upgrade?

how to recognize love:  How is it that I'm #2 for this?

Nicole Nason Nude:  Oh, come on now. This is the head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, fercryingoutloud. You know she's gonna be wearing at least a seatbelt.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NAKED PICTURES OF MEREDITH VIEIRA:  Sorry, no, and QUIT YELLING!

i hate my job at jp morgan chase springfield missouri:  If they read this, you may not have it much longer.

why is cereal so expensive:  They're making motor fuel instead of corn flakes. Go figure.

down side of ethanol fuel:  Breakfast costs twice as much.

inventor of the fucking u-boat:  Hey, the Germans are on our side these days. I think.

fish give blowjobs:  I suppose this is taught in the schools.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:04 AM)
24 December 2007
Strange search-engine queries (99)

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the log
Were these weird-ass requests through which I had to slog.

palindrome hyundai logo:  Yep, a backwards H still looks like an H.

democrats are doomed:  Hardly. Some of them are damned, though.

naked women sunbathing pantsless and bikini:  It seems to me that if they're naked, they're pantsless by definition. (Also bikiniless, I think we can assume.)

FICO scoring system a sham:  Got turned down for that MasterCard, did you?

"amelia earhart luggage":  It's a real brand, but you'll spend a lot of time looking for them.

jello biafra huckabee subliminal:  "I've heard the Dead Kennedys. And you, Governor Huckabee, are no Dead Kennedy."

replaced radiator now transmission won't work:  Forget to connect the transmission-cooler lines, did you?

"BELVEDERE VODKA" Providing slutty Italian girls:  If you can afford that much for vodka, you can afford to get your own slutty girls.

how big is dan aykroyd's penis?  Monstrously huge. (I'm taking the liberty of bullshitting you.)

what can you put on a dick to make it taste better:  New Shimmer. It's a floor wax and a dessert topping.

How much salt to put on the driveway?  That depends. How does it taste?

weird things to do when you're in a bored state of mind:  You're soaking in it.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:35 AM)
31 December 2007
Strange search-engine queries (100)

If you're looking at this and thinking "Haven't I seen this bit of shtick before?" — well, there's a reason for that triple-digit number up there.

zombie tattoo flash:  Hardly anyone ever flashes me a tattoo, and I'd just as soon it wasn't a zombie.

instructions for beer tab necklace:  1. Have a beer. 2. Have another beer. (See the pattern?)

don't start sentence with but:  But it's so handy!

hard freeze definition:  If you have to ask, you're probably not having one.

six foot tall babes in micro skirts:  Listen, if you find any, let me know, wouldja please?

castration to end the suffering of involuntary celibacy:  And I thought throwing out the baby with the bath water was extreme.

"involuntary celibacy" asshats:  They're the ones who recommend castration.

roettger wielding in stillwater minnesota:  I hear they wield a pretty mean roettger up there.

sony walkman authorization crap:  Aren't you glad they're closing their online music store?

minnesota bridge collapse explanation "like a bra":  No, no. 35W was the name of the highway, not the size.

nude beach women give me boners:  Sorry, you'll have to get your own boners.

My bounced check is posted on the door of a store:  Great. Now everyone will see what a deadbeat you are.

wy are europeans more likely to be nudists:  They have the Gulf Stream. We have ice storms.

Maureen Dowd playboy pictures:  In your dreams, pal.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:15 AM)
7 January 2008
Strange search-engine queries (101)

Your search giants, your Googles and Yahoos and such, don't really have time, or at least don't bother to make time, to go through the logs looking for sick and twisted stuff.

Me, on the other hand....

Shoplifting Policy Lowes:  They're against it.

"blade ruiner":  I suppose you'll have to go to Lowe's for a new one.

what size condom should i wear with a 5 inch penis:   I'd avoid anything with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on the box.

i used to be a tree:  And before that, a nut?

what man could do six hundred years ago in entertainment:  Well, some prince or other made some noises about partying like it's 1399.

One Ounce of Silver buys five gallons of gas:  Although you have to pay inside, as the pumps aren't calibrated to accept precious metals.

fun looks like google:  But does Google look like fun?

what's wrong with Diane Rehm why does she sound like a Hepburn:  Why would this be a problem? (Unless it's the late Canadian weightlifter Doug Hepburn.)

scuzzbuckets aforethought:  Because you don't want spontaneous scuzzbucketry.

"joe biden" flatulence:  "All right, that's it, out of the caucus. Now."

silly string breast augmentation:  I suppose it would work at first, but the stuff tends to migrate.

"ring cycle" wagner "dance mix":  The Rhinemaidens can really shake that thing.

lance cargill caught by cleaning crew:  So that's what those "100 ideas" were all about.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:56 AM)
14 January 2008
Strange search-engine queries (102)

In this more-or-less weekly feature, we sort through seven days' worth of referrer logs, separate the wheat from the chaff, and publish the chaff.

hissiest uzis:  Yeah, that's the lethal aspect of the Uzi: the hiss.

I survived the 2007 Ice storm even though I lost a few limbs in Tulsa t-shirt:  Should we assume it's just a flesh wound?

Superheroines Itching:  "Sue, honey, you want me to scratch that for you?" Reed shouted from the lab.

required to wear pantyhose to church:  Try new GenuFlex™, designed specifically for kneeling.

what happens if a man falls in love with a transsexual?  If he's really in love, he probably won't even use the T-word.

family won't accept me wearing women's lingerie:  Suggestion: get your own. They hate it when you borrow things.

driving naked on leather seats:  Don't. Trust me on this.

Mother-in-law is curious about my penis size:  Let me dissuade you with two words: "divorce lawyer."

topless bimmer chicks:  Is this topless chicks in Bimmers, or chicks in topless Bimmers?

topless babes in bimmers:  Well, that answers that. [Both were received from the same IP address.]

what's the plural form of stereo:  Surround.

dog peed on dvd player:  Was it HD or Blu-ray?

What do 43 percent of women do in the driver's seat:  Demonstrate to the man in the passenger seat the art of asking directions.

sociopath, adulterer or libertine:  Great, a new reality TV show.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:52 AM)
21 January 2008
Strange search-engine queries (103)

Believe it or not, there were some people last week who were not looking for pictures of some local news babe. Not that this is so much of an improvement.

twenty-four hour sucking rapture blondie:  I guess the Man from Mars gave up guitars.

wilsonian viagra:  It's a new pill design. Instead of an oval shape, it has fourteen points.

6 Piece Pie Slicer Shreveport Louisiana:  I'm impressed. Usually, when you make a slice, you end up with two pieces at best.

nude babes in microskirts:  For them to be really nude, you've got to get down to the nanoskirt, maybe even the femtoskirt, level.

university of tulsa TA assholes:  This is not, incidentally, the origin of the term "Rock you like a Hurricane."

"women sleep in the buff":  Some of them, or so I've heard, anyway.

unblack wallpaper:  Should be easier to find than actual black wallpaper.

turnip flavoured condoms:  This being a British search, I'm tempted to ask if spotted dick is involved.

texting while driving, car accident involving geo and 18 wheeler, man cut in half:  And what's worse, they charged him for two separate messages.

does the lovely miss britney spears like doing enemas?  'Tis better to give than to receive, I should think.

prairie state semen cheerios:  Still sounds better than Froot Loops.

feed the children Paul Bouchereau:  They haven't finished their cereal yet.

how to kill time for 5 hours:  Knock out a month's worth of these compilations.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:26 AM)
28 January 2008
Strange search-engine queries (104)

The MetaCrawler search engine has a function called SearchSpy, which gives you a sampling of recent search queries they've handled, which you can inspect as they scroll by. Not being as technically advanced as MetaCrawler, I just scroll through the local log myself once a week, and toss up anything I find snarkworthy.

"well hung" minimum penis:  These terms would seem to be mutually contradictory.

what will i look like with a 34 dd chest:  Just like you do now, with the occasional grimace due to back pain.

street cred stylish yet unique and also fuck cheap citroens:  You're not going to get all that out of an reengineered Peugeot platform.

cheap, cheap, cheap, Liability auto insurance clunkers:  Have you tried the stylish yet unique Citroëns?

harlequin ichthyosis teenager:  "Geez, that's a lot of scales. How did you get them to line up?"

do pharmacies knowingly give out placebos:  If they're written on the prescription, you betcha.

pantyhose optional beaches:  What the hell kind of beach needs pantyhose at all?

man yogurt dick grin mullet:  One of these things is, um, not like the others.

does benjamin franklin have a nine inch penis:  Not lately he doesn't.

jessica simpson in various degrees of undress:  Insufficient data. Please specify degrees of variation.

"invisible girl" striptease:  Just be careful where you stash those $20 bills.

prostate milk docile penis sperm man:  I see Marvel has finally gotten around to doing that Dr. Phil comic book.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:55 AM)
4 February 2008
Strange search-engine queries (105)

Should I be designating these with Roman numerals, as though they were Super Bowls or something? Nah. Why bother? It's just a trip through the referrer logs, fercryingoutloud.

right to die libertarian:  The trick is to become libertarian before you die.

is Bono in illuminati?  Well, fnord to you too.

women who like to give blow jobs in oklahoma city:  Mayor Cornett didn't address this in the State of the City speech.

charles hill expert opinion microsoft yahoo:  It will never work.

The Upside Down Squad sex position:  I assume they're for it.

Why Is My Cat Screaming at Night?  Sex upside down, maybe?

can greyhounds benefit from viagra?  Good lord, no. They'll go after the damn cat.

my mother walks around the house naked:  It's a scheme to keep you from bringing all your little friends home.

does wearing underpants reduce penis size:  If they're too tight, maybe.

sarah jessica parker ugly hideous legs:  Believe me, I've seen worse.

will 35 inch tires hurt my gas mileage on a v10 super duty:  What gas mileage? Gas yardage, maybe.

I just can't believe how much easier it is to find pictures of nude women than it is finding women wearing clothes:  Something about supply and demand, I would think.

etiquette "skinny dip" "mother in law":  You should always let her go first.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:58 AM)
11 February 2008
Strange search-engine queries (106)

This weekly feature sifts through the last seven days of referrer logs — pretty spiffy for a mere feature to be able to do that, eh? — and pulls out a dozen or so search strings, ranked by snark potential. Or something like that. It's getting harder to tell how this works.

Foot operated handbrake on Mercury Grand Marquis:  If it's operated by the foot, it's hardly a handbrake, is it?

schmuck von dollheads:  Originally named Peter, but he proved to be something of a putz.

"glass pains":  For example, having to replace a windshield.

st.theresa sends any flowers:  There's no record of her texting anyone.

is flatulence covered under the americans with disabilities act:  Not unless you have to do it on a ramp.

nudist beach marriage proposal:  Careful when you get down on your knees. That sand gets itchy.

Can doo gro cause hair to shed badly:  You want it should shed well?

Do Hydrocarbons burn?  I burned about six gallons in my car last week.

see fantasy nerd girls and a Britney Spears portrait made from chewed-up pastries:  When your fantasies become too specific, it's probably time to move out of your mom's basement.

cut and crown miter saw system green sucky things:  Or your dad's workshop.

nudists vote republican:  Some of them do, though they'll probably get dressed for the primaries in January and February.

what to do when your marriage falls apart because of sports:  Sell the second season ticket so it won't go in the divorce settlement.

Is Dr. Phil McGraw's Penis Uncut?  I couldn't say, but I can assure you that his testicles are in Oprah's pocket.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:55 AM)
18 February 2008
Strange search-engine queries (107)

Another week, another batch of High Weirdness plucked out of the referrer logs. I don't know which is more alarming: the fact that people actually look for this stuff, or the fact that I've gotten readers from it.

Avoidance in a new relationship:  Isn't it just possible that avoidance is why you no longer have the old relationship?

what do transmission problems sound like:  Open your wallet. Empty it. Listen, and remember.

signs of major transmission problems:  Does your mechanic have a daughter starting college?

Star wars fucking piece of crap trash can yogurt:  Ah, the long-lost Episode VII.

dikembe mutombo tapes penis to leg:  Yeah, but it's his penis, so no big deal.

why is it hard to predict swaths of freezing rain:  (1) Freezing rain requires a specific combination of warm air aloft and a cold layer of air underneath, plus a storm system to induce precipitation. (2) Only a fool takes computer models as gospel truth.

what does driving an infinity [sic] i30 say about the person:  That he probably spent more than he would have for a Nissan Maxima.

what person buys a 7 series bmw, what it says about you:  You can probably afford three Nissan Maximas.

outdoor research trance down sweater hips vs waist sizing:  I can feel the trance coming on and we're not even outdoors yet.

and the rain came in kathy montgomery, dustbury 2.75 million:  Evidently the writers' strike really is over.

town of dustbury:  Somewhere over the rainbow, yet still south of Kansas.

chaz's famous boobs:  Note to self: Get bulkier T-shirts.

According to legend, if on Valentine's Day a goldfinch flies over a girl's head, what does it mean?  Probably nothing. I know lots of girls who read this very page, which features a goldfinch, and it's never over their heads.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:54 AM)
25 February 2008
Strange search-engine queries (108)

Some people have this site bookmarked. Some people take the feed. And some people stumble in here because they were searching for something inexplicable. This feature is dedicated to that third group, who makes it all possible.

santa feeding animals ephemera:  This might explain the lack of competitiveness at this year's Reindeer Games.

is she just not interested?  Not in the least.

"as the new york times goes, so goes":  "John McCain," often as not.

word meaning codger:  "John McCain," often as not.

hotest chicks on Earth naked and you can see boobs and private on their body and does't block them:  And I thought I was picky.

windshield damage variations wealthy vs. poor:  I imagine the poor tend to have greater damage, because they can't always afford to fix stone chips immediately, thereby running the risk of a full-fledged crack.

unreasonable superior, snow ice storms, can't drive to work:  On the other hand, they have just as good a chance of winding up in a ditch as you do.

"what do women think" erections in office:  They think you're a boor for bringing it up.

girls who like wearing pantyhose and revving engines:  You can be absolutely certain they keep their distance from the exhaust manifold.

idildo:   Migod, Steve Jobs thinks of everything.

marxism and laughter on the 23rd floor:  Neil Simon was a big Marx fan. Especially Chico.

when i go into full erection my penis bends in some points easley:  And other points not so easley, I surmise.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:01 AM)
3 March 2008
Strange search-engine queries (109)

Ho-hum: another week, another perfunctory examination of the logs, another dozen or so goofy search strings. But you're used to it, right?

database long island women:  Is this a database of women on Long Island, or a database of island women with, um, length?

yogurt psychological description:  At least nobody's accusing it of being multicultural.

floor wax bob vila:  Why wait until he's on the floor? Wax him now.

robot tattoo:  And you said you'd never need that extra set of drill bits.

"who needs brains when I've got these":  Trust funds, right?

what is the reason customer unsatisfied with PROTON:  Some people just don't take a positive charge very well.

matt drudge "not on radio":  And they say there's no God.

How the hell do I program this keyless entry remote for my 2003 Park Ave.?  You're asking me? Do I look like I own a Buick? (Don't answer that.)

my Scion Dealer insists I am loaded:  Maybe it's because you keep showing up with a keyless-entry remote for a Buick.

spirits watch us masturbate:  At least they don't distract us.

how to modify 2007 honda accord driver seat to accomadate [sic] someone with long legs:  Um, slide it back, maybe? Unless you're Nadja Auermann.

moist turtle's gilbert gottfried:  This is the first I've heard tell of Gilbert Gottfried having any effect on amphibians.

cooked squirrel testicles:  At least they aren't raw, though I can't address the question of moistness.

Cruex Jacob disease mad cow disease:  Um, that's Creutzfeldt. Cruex is what you use for mad jock disease.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:04 AM)
10 March 2008
Strange search-engine queries (110)

Because (1) it's fun to see what people were searching for, and (2) it's easier than providing Actual Content.

rebate check "positive id required":  Yep, that's a rebate check all right. I'm positive.

hot tub filter destroyed with nair:  "Get in, honey, your legs look just fine."

staffordshire bull terrier how often do i worm n flee him:  Worm; then flee as quickly as you can, because they don't like worming.

terse in heaven-eric clapton  Ol' Slowhand never was all that talkative.

Why should Condi Rice run for president in 2012:  Because we'll be sick of whoever wins in 2008 by then.

will fda not let brokers order their pwn appraisals:  It seems to me that if you're already pwned, the FDA would just as soon stay away from you.

are cab drivers exempt from child seat laws in colorado:  If a cab driver is under four years old, he must use a child seat, unless he weighs over 40 lb.

opposite of "hit with a ton of bricks":  Missed by an ounce of feathers?

fedex smartpost kiss my ass:  It will take a few days.

what is it with marxists and condescending tone:  Standard equipment.

windows restaurant in the sbc building:  There's a blue screen over the salad bar.

pantyhose vs penis:  A defensive struggle. Pantyhose by six.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:06 AM)
17 March 2008
Strange search-engine queries (111)

About one-third of the traffic to this site, excluding feeds, comes from search engines, and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that people are searching for. Then again, maybe you would, which is why we do this on a regular basis.

febreze sniffing in teenagers:  You wouldn't want them sniffing something that smelled bad, would you?

girls smothered in yogurt:  Not on my diet, I suspect.

so attractive, but no one wants:  Sounds like me, except for the "attractive" part.

"supermom tights":  Oh, yeah, like she has time to put them on.

A woman at the age of 49yrs old educated and independent. What are the chances of meeting a nice guy?  Not too bad. Is she wearing her supermom tights?

nudist roommate sacramento:  Well, at least it's some place warm. Sometimes.

coolwhip bikinis:  Not recommended for actual swimming.

when did mercury marquis start to get 27 or 28 miles per gallon: When you turned off the air conditioner and headed downhill.

eliot spitzer penis size:  You're reading too much into that "Client 9" business.

Fake Invisible Girl Naked Pictures:  Look almost identical to real invisible girl naked pictures. Imagine that.

legitimate money making programs that guarantee $500,000 to $1,000,000 in 2 to 3 months:  Maybe, but you have to start with $2,000,000 to $3,000,000.

Sally Kern sucks:  I suspect she considers it against her religion.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:10 AM)
24 March 2008
Strange search-engine queries (112)

Not a bug, but an actual feature: a sampling of the wackier search strings that have led folks to this very site during the past week, and by extension evidence that the End of the World is Nigh.

irritation & solenoids:  "Name two things commonly found in a transmission shop."

how to dress for the patent office:  Wear something no one has ever seen before.

nude pictures of jim cantore:  Let's hope there's not a snowstorm going on.

sharon resultan nude fakes:  Perhaps you should ask Jim Cantore.

tomtom Navigations system Rodney Dangerfield voices:  "Hey, whaddaya turning here for? I told you this wasn't the right exit. I don't get no respect at all."

Does Anyone Go Nude in Arkansas?  In the Natural State? You must be kidding.

will my girlfriend leave me after seeing big penises at a nude beach:  I checked, and this query did not come from Arkansas.

why the mortgage industry:  You got enough cash to buy a house?

lost virginity in 4th grade:  Yeah, but you were sixteen years old, Jethro.

was faith hill on the beverly hillbillies:  No. However, Sarah Silverman did do a Star Trek: Voyager.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:01 AM)
31 March 2008
Strange search-engine queries (113)

For the uninitiated, this is, or has grown to be anyway, a weekly feature in which we look at the thousand or so search-engine hits that have come in during the past seven days, and reprint the goofiest one percent thereof. It is surprisingly popular, for reasons I'd just as soon not know.

Foriners getting married in denmark:  Because the laws in Forin are so restrictive, of course.

penis 26 inchers mpg:  Well, you certainly wouldn't want them in QuickTime.

what is the opposite of nondescript:  Zooey Deschanel "Descript."

downsides of physical attractiveness:  People who lack it tend to fall in love with you.

how to play "i love rock and roll" on your cell phone keypad:  You're asking me? Yeah, me?

drink coasters by architects:  I had a perfectly nice Frank Lloyd Wright model, but the coffee table wound up soaked.

why democrats are jackasses:  It's a trademark. Similarly, Republicans are pachyderms.

"invisible girlfriend" "pantyhose":  Now there's a visual, so to speak.

Condoleezza Rice showing off her boobs:  That's no way to talk about State Department career diplomats.

corporate org charts iq:  Everywhere I've worked there's been an inverse correlation.

1930s vintage women's underwear:  Some 1930s-vintage women don't wear underwear.

gilbert gottfried things to say when you can't achieve an erection:  Just thinking of Gilbert Gottfried is probably enough to kill the mood.

I do not want to do anything to screw it up with ursula:  When you reach the heat of passion? Don't mention Gilbert Gottfried.

antidisestablishmentarianism scuzzbuckets:  Whoever was trying for the Googlewhack, my congratulations.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:01 AM)
7 April 2008
Strange search-engine queries (114)

If you're just joining us, here's what's happening: hundreds of people every week arrive at this site because of something they entered into a search engine, and most of the time I can find a dozen or so who entered something sufficiently bizarre to warrant making fun of it in public.

Sexual relationships with doctors:  Because being screwed by your insurance company just isn't enough.

invisibility developments:  Haven't seen any.

"texas law" "free beer":  Don't you wish.

Satan is hitting me in my groin. Oil mw down and:  And what? Don't leave us, um, hanging.

what makes oxygen go away:  A political debate. Sucks it right out of the room, every time.

oklahoma is deeply conservative:  In some particulars, we're shallowly conservative.

"roommate wanted" naked:  Laundry room locked up over the weekend again?

if you get fat will you quit menstruating:  Probably not, and put down that jelly roll already.

fetal homicide law unfair to men:  On the other hand, fetal homicide is really unfair to fetuses.

stocking secretaries:  In practice, you can keep on hand a 10-day supply at best.

IQ Testing Is No Fucking Good:  "Hey, Jenna, we found the guy who punched all the holes in the answer sheet!"

Lowest I.Q. ever achieved by a human:  See previous item.

do teenagers desire to be emos or juggalos to defy parents:  Honestly? They'd be Presbyterians if they thought it would piss off the parental units.

a 2 years old ho is leavening in a tiny flat and damp what is the consequences:  Um, a yeast infection?

last time you laughed in 3 words:  Reading this post.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:03 AM)
14 April 2008
Strange search-engine queries (115)

Time once again to shake out the SiteMeter and see if anything funny falls out.

bikiniless women:  I don't think Sister Mary Discipline has a bikini, but this probably isn't the visual you were hoping for.

hot prego chicks:  Because nothing enhances a woman's appearance like pasta sauce.

transexual airline pilots:  No reason they can't, and no "cockpit" jokes, please.

tayshaun prince looks like curious george:  But George never averaged 14 points per game.

snakes in the apartment complexes,okc:  Probably just leasing agents.

defecting girl naturist:  I hope she's seeking asylum in some place that's warm.

"you're giving me a haddock":  Now that's unmitigated gar.

is sometimes one word:  Sometimes it is. And there are some times when it isn't.

encouraged by mom to crossdress:  Doubtful. Mom doesn't want you picking through her closet.

$12 gas:  Bite your tongue.

difference between a boy and a girl:  If you really don't know this, perhaps you shouldn't spend so much time on the Internet.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:06 AM)
21 April 2008
Strange search-engine queries (116)

If you look at this particular item and ask yourself "Haven't I seen this before?" let me assure you that you have. Rather often, in fact.

you can get there from here:  But you probably should leave early, just in case.

KOCO Renaming the Oklahoma NBA team:  God forbid. They'd want to call it the Dopplers or the Oprahs.

divorce jewelry:  Nothing in a continuous loop, please.

why do I poop when I eat tomato sauce:  Are you sure it isn't after you eat?

display fake url:  Teach a man to phish, and he will send you thousands of emails.

kwyjibo vw:  Well, it's no dumber a name than "Toureg" or "Tiguan."

cd4e repair manuel:  Actually, Manuel usually works on exhaust systems; we assign the transmission work to Paco.

what is the closest victoria secret from tinker air force base:  Penn Square Mall. Careful that you don't wind up out of uniform.

lottery number crunch:  Your losing tickets aren't worth anything anyway, so why not make breakfast cereal out of them?

back of unfamous cereal box:  Try Kellogg's Lottery Loops, the fibrous part of your good breakfast.

why is my cereal soggy:  Not enough lottery tickets.

A car of mass 1000 kg locks its brakes on ice at an initial speed of 50 mph. How far will the car slide (in meters)?  The distance to the car approaching the intersection from the right, plus 2.5 meters.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:50 AM)
28 April 2008
Strange search-engine queries (117)

At least a thousand searchers land on this site every single week, and most of them are looking for something you might consider to be fairly normal and/or reasonable. Those are not the ones in this list.

Do Cancerians get to learn how to play an instrument in 2008?  Maybe. Your Jupiter is in Capricorn this year; however, your saxophone has been in the pawn shop since 2006.

sagittarius give great blowjobs:  Yeah, but can they play the saxophone?

tips on tying gummi snakes with your tongue:  If I knew how to do that, I wouldn't be sitting here shuffling through the referrer logs.

frivolous preteens:  Is there a better time to be frivolous, really?

What if Star Wars had been set in Scotland?  "Glasgow. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." (Alternatively: "I find your lack o' haggis disturbin'.")

mom bit chaz:  Which explains the dentures.

battery powered lawn mowers as seen in aarp magazine:  Comes with a free "Get Off My Lawn" decal.

what determines a slack penis in a nudist resort:  Resort security, which enforces the No Erections rule.

How to judge a hat show:  "Keep your head up" comes immediately to mind.

why are grape-nuts so expensive:  Do you know how hard it is to squeeze a grape down to the size of a nut? (Me neither.)

lane bryant shiny crap:  You'd have better luck looking at Spencer Gifts.

And a tip of the hat to Seattle's SonicsCentral blog, which sent me roughly 5 percent of this week's traffic.

Permalink to this item (posted at 6:57 AM)
5 May 2008
Strange search-engine queries (118)

What are today's World Citizens seeking? Hell if I know. All I get is stuff like this.

my bose cube speaker fell and split in half. How can I fix it?  Hint: You have to bring the separated halves back together.

video sound warrants real name criminal records fringer prints photos of all court officials state an federal level of statecourt hampton county even accademy memebers of norman c roy's death in july 5th 1992 docket 92-1993:  There is such a thing as Search String Overkill, and this is Exhibit A.

just show me how too replace frigging halfton dash lights:  This is Exhibit B.

disagree on compact fluorescent bulbs:  Too late now, Bunkie.

pathetic car tax oklahoma excise:  Yes, it is true: you buy a car in Oklahoma, no matter how pathetic it is, you will pay an excise tax.

mccain condoleeza rice romulan durst:  One of these things is not like the other. I hope.

can you bake crystal meth in an apartment and other people cannot smell it?  They'll smell it when you burn the building down, for sure.

i want to sue kellogg for severe pop tart burn:  Smelled like crystal meth, did it?

"kim jong il" defecation lawn:  The Dear Leader can crap wherever he pleases.

how to make furniture look antique:  Just wait a few decades.

flying termites does listerine works:  Has bad breath been a problem for termites?

invisible women in pantyhose on youtube:  Um, did you consider searching at YouTube?

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:06 AM)
12 May 2008
Strange search-engine queries (119)

Yes, buoys and gulls, it's time for another romp through the Site Meter detritus to find search strings that make you go "Hmmm." Hmmm....

bank of america employees wear pantyhose:  Probably just the women, and who cares anyway?

men wearing male undergarments:  Possibly even at Bank of America.

natureal mail inhansment:  From those wonderful folks who brought you V14gr@.

sunday drive oklahoma:  Generally great fun, but watch out for those Sunday drivers.

eine kleine nachtmusik i can't get no satisfaction:  Perhaps Tagesmusik might be more satisfying?

revolver ocelot wtf seriously:  Everybody run, the damn lolcat's got a gun.

how to sunbath nude without getting burned:  Yes, children, there are parts of this world where sunblock is unknown.

i need a girl for a amc matador eagle sedan:  I don't think so. I've seen lots of people driving AMC sedans and none of them ever have girls.

Why Does Conventional Wisdom Persist:  It saves you the trouble of doing your own research.

Poptarts Destroying a City:  Geez, they'll say anything to get a health-care bill passed.

lot less fake ass chinese oreo wafers:  Yeah, but have they ever destroyed a city, like Pop Tarts?

too much crap to clean up:  True enough. Back next week with more of these.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:00 AM)
19 May 2008
Strange search-engine queries (120)

Monday morning brings yet another round of WTF-worthy stuff from the hallowed halls of Site Meter, as metered on this very site.

science fiction revenues:  No longer measured in quatloos.

cruel tattoo:  Unless you're fond of needles, they all seem pretty cruel.

squidward tattoo:  Especially that one.

carebear tattoo:  Perhaps I spoke too soon.

is pittsburgh tied with the illuminati:  For now, but the Pirates will have a hard time staying out of the cellar as the season wears on.

jock itch of the genitals:  You want you should have it around the nape of the neck?

Why doesn't Ann Coulter wear pantyhose?  I'm assuming it's not a matter of jock itch.

weather is not normal oklahoma:  Sure it is. Why, we have scads of weather.

"blogger's remorse":  Hence features like this.

when did the united states fully expand westward:  At the admission of Tuvalu as the 57th state.

babbys in thar moms bely:  Before you go on about those ignernt, uneddicated Suthuners, please note that this search came from York County, Maine.

oklahoma 7-eleven pornography band:  Which, now that I think of it, is a heckuva name for a band.

silly string breast implants:  Seems to me like that would defeat the purpose of getting implants.

if pulling a boat trailer and you were shot by radar for speeding does it affect your speed:  Not unless the boat is going faster than you are, in which case you should be plucking its bow out of your butt any second now.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:48 AM)
26 May 2008
Strange search-engine queries (121)

You know the drill on this one by now, right?

Poke salad lyrics old folks get constipated:  No shit?

Who's taller Kim Possible or Ron Stoppable:  Ron's 5'5" but seems to slouch; Kim's 5'3" but has Big Hair. (From the Kim Possible Wiki, and none of your business why I have a link for it.)

muslims in "columbus indiana" sexist bastards:  I don't know about that. I mean, you don't see them consulting the Kim Possible Wiki.

maureen dowd pictorial:  I'll suggest it to Hef, but he's busy this weekend.

What causes rear end whine in Mercury Mountaineers:  Banishing a child to the third row of seats usually works.

buick rainier whining noise under the hood:  Don't tell me you left a child there.

kelloggs pop tarts rat droppings:  Sorry, only available in frosted rat droppings.

how does a megger work:  Like a gigger, but it only does about a thousandth as much.

topless bea arthur:  Recipient of this week's "Migod, you've got guts" award.

least common automatic transmission problems:  "Not needing maintenance" comes immediately to mind.

cabal causes bsod:  But There Is No Cabal.

Catholic "purpose of lingerie":  Visit your local Victoria's Sacrament store for details.

Permalink to this item (posted at 10:40 AM)
2 June 2008
Strange search-engine queries (122)

Another week, another set of referrer-log droppings. After a while you get used to it.

ingenuity+persuasion=me:   Is this a profile from one of those dating sites?

pictures of condoleezza rice getting pedicure:  Sorry, can't help you. Have you asked Scott McClellan?

jobs not enough to live on:  Which, these days, seems like most of them.

sharon resultan fake sex fantasy:  This must be the one where Jim Cantore shows up in a trenchcoat with no pants.

what smells attract men:  Beer, women, and more beer.

girl tries on invisible clothes:  At least they won't make her butt look big.

women who change into animals and furniture in evil magical latex clothes:  After all that, merely invisible seems easy.

"average number of dates per month":  Some of us are averaging around zero.

"electric chair" "rectum":  Well, first it shocked 'em.

How Much Money Will It Cost to Drill in Alaska:  Lots. How much will it cost if we don't?

osha determined that one third of the falls incurred by women are due to wearing high heels, which make falls more likely:  And summers more entertaining.

cox can't watch wheel of fortune in HD:  This is because the HDTV upconversion process makes the wheel into an ellipse, which is much harder to turn.

jeffrey dahmer's toyota celica:  Do yourself a favor and don't look in the cupholder.

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:08 AM)
9 June 2008
Strange search-engine queries (123)

Once a week, more or less, we go into the farthest corner of the referrer logs (some people think "referrer" has one too many R's, but what do they know?) and turn up some of the weirder things that people have been looking for — and presumably not finding — on this very site.

Surrealist, photographer, self-portraiture, conehead:  So Dali had students on Remulak. Who knew?

johnson controls gay website stolen hummers from general motors payment and software:  I hadn't heard that one, though I'm pretty sure that hummers in general involve johnson control.

do you think nancy pelosi has sexy pantyhose legs?  Way better than Harry Reid's.

Fried turkey testicles nutrition facts:  I submit that if you've decided to eat fried turkey testicles, the nutritional value is not a major factor in your decision.

do women care about size of penis at naturalist resorts:  About as much as they do in the workaday world, which is "not as much as you probably think."

mountain dew code red decreases penis size?  Hmmm. I wonder if they sell it at naturalist resorts.

what is the going rate to mow a 6000 square foot lawn:  I have no idea, but it's probably less than it would cost for my 7000-square-foot lawn.

what do most girls want for their sixteenth birthday beside a car:  A 21-year-old boyfriend?

am i allowed to resign effective immediately:  Sure, if you're prepared to be frogmarched to the exit.

can hydrocarbons burn:  Absolutely. In fact, I plan to burn some on my next road trip.

Psychedelic underpants:  Much sought-after by profit-seekers.

busty medusa cartoon:  If she's really the Medusa, you may not have time to see if she's busty or not.

senator john mccain's personality lion otter beaver:  Um, you forgot "weasel."

Permalink to this item (posted at 7:57 AM)
16 June 2008
Strange search-engine queries (124)

So here I am, far from home, and far from out of these silly things.

Ankle bracelet significance:  Depends on whether it has an electronic tracking signal.

alcoholic beverage cisco:  I've determined that I should probably not reconfigure the router after drinking.

old wives tales about using crisco and urine to discover your baby's gender:  Under the new federal health plan, this method will be used exclusively, as actual ultrasound costs too much.

driving motorcycle road "orgasm while" 80 mph: : So that's what they mean by "live to ride, ride to live."

send rednecks to war:  Only if you hope to win the damn thing.

proactive scum:  Usually seen running for office this time of year.

to fudge and preserve:  Motto of a police department faced with budget cuts.

goldwater skin care processor:  Because extremism in the pursuit of dermatology is no vice.

what is prolonged stimulation:  If you have to ask, you haven't had it.

topless mardi gras police car:  Let's see if you can land those beads over the light bar.

photoshop naked woman as prepared chicken:  Just don't give her buffalo wings.

"don't edmond my norman":  And while we're at it, don't Slapout my Hooker.

"No Adverbs Allowed":  Not so easily enforced.

bush third term amendment:  Rove, you magnificent bastard, you're instilling paranoia again.

Permalink to this item (posted at 8:20 AM)
The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

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