Somewhere around 6000 people come here every week, and they're not necessarily coming specifically to hear me pontificate. Sometimes they're looking for stuff like this:

"over 30" "forget about sex":  About what?

classical music dreary mournful defeat:  Obviously not a Strauss waltz.

women judge mens penis size on nudist beach:  Like they don't check you out elsewhere?

how to make a girl blush:  Have her read the previous item out loud.

How to use the word Don't:  If you have to ask, you don't need to.

Snipe Shipping S.A. Panama:  Make your snipe hunt a success!

Laura Ingraham, Monica Crowley and Ann Coulter:  <carnac>Name three women who are less chirpy than Katie Couric.</carnac>

girls what do you like better cut or uncut guys?  I can see no reason to ask me this.

"Peter Noone" "misdemeanor":  Second verse wasn't same as the first.

what is crestfallen:  Tom's condition after he dropped the toothpaste.

boobiethon photos unedited:  They don't edit any of them. However, you have to donate more money to see the more explicit ones.

"happy thoughts and fuzzy bunnies":  It perplexes me no end that I am the only result for this search.

www.dustbury.com fame:  Um, what fame?

Traffic was off a smidgen this week, but that didn't stop the hardy searchers from sending their requests down the line and into my referrer logs.

worlds sexiest female 10 year old:  It is highly improper to lust after ten-year-old girls unless you're about ten yourself. Maybe even then.

will there be any 103 Dalmatians?  Those puppies have jumped the shark by now.

What's in the sack?  If it's four in the morning, me.

what is the privates sector:  From about here down.

chaz republican:  Not.

what's the importance of the witnesses verifying the resurrection:  Would you believe it otherwise?

wife and i like being nude in our yard, neighbors complain:  Two words: higher fence.

single women cop flak for being attractive:  And quite unfairly, too, I think.

republican women in pantyhose:  Not a reliable indicator, in my experience.

humor and meanness:  Don't leave home without them.

3x5x4 fanfiction:  Short stories, I assume.

Where wise men never go:  Between Al Sharpton and a camera.

Stop fumbling with that bra strap. Secrets of the one handed bra strap release revealed by an expert:  I don't even want to know what he's doing with his other hand.

I was asked at the Blogger Roundup what percentage of my traffic came from search engines. The answer: forty to forty-five or so. However, very little of it is for stuff like this:

what color is an elephant?  Elephants? Red. Donkeys are blue. Questions are answered, though not more than two.

yarmulke foreskin:  Related, perhaps, but I suspect not the way you're thinking.

windshield arizona omaha steaks:  That glass gets hot in Phoenix, though probably not hot enough to grill a T-bone.

is it strange for men to want to wear women's lingerie:  Only if they want someone else to see them doing it.

gillette blades suck:  Well, actually, they scrape.

"some of them" asians "long legs":  Yes. The tall ones.

will gasoline take jewel glue off clothes:  Warm it up and let's see.

shots of girls in bikinis, bras, or nothing without penises:  Should I be grateful this isn't a request for shots of girls with penises?

oklahoma blog dust:  This is what happens when you don't post for two or three weeks.

why we should wear clothing suitable to our body figure:  Um, because otherwise we look like hell?

"itching powder" bra cups:  Here comes the next 40-year-old virgin.

what happened in the years 1995-2000:  Nothing whatsoever. The whole world went into suspended animation.

catalytic converters in the Oklahoman:  You should see the gases they'd emit otherwise.

Which means we're approaching four hundred of these odd requests from Actual Searchers Worldwide. Perhaps they found what they wanted, or perhaps not.

difference between Traditional newspaper versus craigslist:  You can't get a puppy to go on craigslist.

100 ways to look stupid:  I claim expertise in only 70 or so.

how to empty a checking account:  Writing lots of checks has always worked for me.

gummi aprons sex:  I can't help but think this was an attempt at a Googlewhack; these three words have seemingly nothing in common.

take my yolk:  Please. (So saith Humpty Youngman.)

rejected otter pop flavors:  "Manatee" was turned down out of hand; they never could get "Beaver" to come out right.

why am i so normal:  All your perversities average out.

hate good looking men:  Perhaps there's a chance for me after all.

condom mnemonic devices:  You might try tying a knot in one end.

why do redheads have attitude?  Who's gonna tell them they can't? Not me.

on the streets of pittsburgh pennsylvania then again maybe not:  "How do you get error messages from Mapquest?"

minot state fair north dakota keith urban kicks canadians out before he sings:  Maybe they scare Nicole?

suppository ass:  You certainly wouldn't to chew one.

Whataburger Walter Cronkite:  "And that's the way I ordered it, Monday, October second, two thousand six."

Three dozen times I've gone to the well, and the bucket keeps coming back up, filled with stuff like this:

dick no dickless:  For Dick's sake, make up your mind.

socially inept men:  At least I've dropped out of the top 50 for this search.

Beyerstein could probably teach at FSU:  And give up Majikthise? I hope not.

10 inch penis posibility:  It's a stretch, but not unheard-of.

anakin skywalker sewing patterns:  "Luke, I am your seamstress."

homemade porn in bucks pennsylvania:  I know only a handful of people in Bucks, and they have better things to do at home.

vickie mcgehee:  No, I won't believe it for a moment. I won't.

low man on the totem pole mean:  I'm pretty low down. Mean, too.

100 ways to look stupid:  And we have 100 Senators. Coincidence?

mermaid copy protection:  I haven't figured out how they reproduce in the first place.

what happened to ponds vanishing creme:  It disappeared.

why dont women like pantyhose:  Try putting some on someday.

fake fur hydrocarbons:  Well, they gotta make it out of something.

when is my mazda 6 clutch worn:  Never after Labor Day, or on formal occasions.

autofellatio is considered a divine act:  If someone sees it, expect to hear "Oh, my God!"

Nope, we're not out of 'em yet.

sexy bitches of oklahoma looking for men:  Should I be worried?

keyboard not found:  Imagine F1 to continue.

dating hypercritical women:  Don't worry. It doesn't last long.

when i think about you i ... myself:  As well you should.

good old one on one sex:  I'm #1 for this? Sheesh.

do affairs turn into marriage:  Usually a second one, for your soon-to-be-former spouse.

are 2003 mazdas discontinued:  They sell 2007 Mazdas now.

average women frolicking nude:  Where on earth is this the average?

bob stoops hates puppies:  Unless he can find one that can fill in at running back.

how can i set my empathy and my sympathy:  I set mine to zero.

Hedgerow advantage:  Sometimes there are bustles in them. (Don't be alarmed.)

Democrats for Mary Fallin:  Surely there must be one or two.

there is no rule number 7:  There is no rule 6. (Rule 7: No pooftahs.)

hedge clippers on scrotum:  It's the new Black & Decker Home Vasectomy Kit. (Extended warranty not available.)

how to scare a woman:  Give her my phone number.

"The beat goes on," said Sonny, and occasionally Cher. But Google has replaced the teenybopper as our newborn king, ah-hah.

paid $400 to have saturn speedometer reset and it stopped:  I suspect this might be illegal, even if there is no intent to defraud. (I am not, however, a lawyer.)

naked argentinian woman tierra del fuego:  Well, more likely there than in, say, Estonia.

lack of teen modesty in the bathroom:  You kidding? Usually they keep the door locked.

superheroines with great legs:  I always assumed that was a given.

chaste tree hiding marijuana:  Mine are trying to hide the gas meter.

linkin park formerly known as zero:  You mean they're not now?

Crabgrass with burrs:  Just in case you thought crabgrass by itself wasn't annoying enough.

bikini wax outlawed in switzerland:  Oh, joy, razor Bern again.

"tent in his pants":  Probably just a pup tent.

beetle on yogurt:  I think I'd throw it away on general principle.

Vinton Shellsburg football sucks:  Well, they are 3-5 (and 2-4 in the district), as of this week.

cop in tim hortons:  In a donut shop? You gotta be kidding.

how men should reject marriage proposals:  As quickly as possible.

Migod, this shtick has gone on almost as long as Jack Benny. Of course, I wouldn't say that if he had his writers here.

helen parr nude:  Elastigirl? You wish.

should capricorns befriend geminis:  If you can be sure you're not getting the Evil Twin.

Evil Yogurt Underpants:  This must be Captain Underpants' Evil Twin. (Is he a Gemini?)

nerve witch runs along the outside of tongue:  As spells go, that's actually pretty impressive.

pictures of a drunken bear being shot:  It is highly unsporting to blast them while they're sozzled.

welding fish:  I once welded a perch fillet to an aluminum pan. Don't ask.

Name eastern city with scary name that gets lots of snow in winter:  As an old man with deficient libido, I reply "Lackawanna."

i30 replace analog clock:  Did you screw it up trying to set it back one hour?

"pretty feet" craigslist:  Far as I know, you can advertise for anything on there.

Walgreens Coprophagia Treatment:  I've waited in line there long enough to wish coprophagia on the entire staff.

judges ruling for strip club lewdness in tx:  Which is odd, since usually they rule against lewdness.

"my husband" "nine inch penis":  And yet you find time to type.

sherri have sex with chaz?  I don't know anyone named Sherri.

And the stranger they are, the more likely they are to be cut out of Site Meter's list and posted here.

switch bodies with Cameron Diaz:  Something tells me this isn't Roseanne Barr's wish list.

aesthetic classics/oldsmobile/vodka:  It would take roughly half a bottle of Ketel One to make a late-Seventies Cutlass look good.

how do magicians saw someone in half:  Traditionally, with a saw, though modern three-way slicing techniques call for large panel-like blades.

short hair ohio bats:  During lake-effect snows they flee to Kentucky.

did southern belles wear makeup?  You'd never know it if they did.

blocking spam from senders with jumbled consonants:  You mean "zvtbhqxl@npltzjh.qzw" isn't a real email address?

how to firm slackened labia:  Two parts alum, one part Summer's Eve.

konqueror coding error icon illuminati:  Did you run the fnord job?

biting beaver "male sexuality":  It is considered bad form actually to bite it.

is yogurt colored with crushed red beetles:  Well, not the plain varieties.

ursula andress concave:  I remember her as being delightfully convex.

microsoft allegory:  It ends with Bill Gates saying "640k ought to be enough for anyone."

women nude in back yard:  Not in my back yard. I checked.

maids that do more than clean in okc:  You can't afford them.

magical quatrain to have a big bombshell breasted sexy wife:  "O spirits and powers / Grant this unto me / Adjust her rack outwards / No smaller than C."

Yes, it's yet another sifting through the referrer logs, in the hopes of finding actual search strings to which I can make snarky responses after the fact.

what do men find unattractive about naked women:  When they're out of visual range.

are there "Benefits of Media Consolidation":  For the media, maybe; for the audience, maybe not.

what does a transmission cooler do?  Surprisingly, it cools the transmission, or at least its fluid.

What kind of organ did John Lennon have?  (1) A Hammond. (2) Uncircumcised. (Next time, be more specific.)

"size 0 is too big":  Have a sandwich already. Sheesh.

chaz i love you:  Obviously a case of mistaken identity.

crown market west hartford kosher antibiotics:  Try the rugelachomycin.

fortytwo hours cybered mom:  Was dad out of town?

Puns for Argon:  Sorry, all the chemical-element puns argon; someone staged a radon the storage box, and anyway it's none of your bismuth.

how long is a quarter of an hour:  Too short, according to your girlfriend.

infamous Hollywood pseudonym employed by movie directors who wish to have their credit removed from a below-par film:  "Michael Moore".

The impact of hissy fits in Primary Care:  Reduces waiting time by 10 to 20 percent.

stockings feel weird:  Be grateful she lets you feel them at all.

how do you burn hydrocarbons:  Turn the key and press down with the right foot.

Joe Garagiola used a cuss word:  Who gives a shit?

new jersey turnpike wee wee hours:  The service centers are open 24 hours a day.

amy mcree pictures:  I get this just about every freaking week. (McRee is a news anchor for KWTV.) For the benefit of the less-curious, this goes below the fold.

Here. The one you seek is in the center. Now leave me alone.

People search the world over for the secrets of Life, The Universe, And Everything, and somehow they manage to wind up here, where they become grist for my snark mill.

what kind of car is tsuru:  It's a Nissan compact which is sold in the US as the Sentra, except on the Upper East Side of New York, where it's called the Tsuris.

are dust particles included in the life support system of living things:  Only the ones that breathe.

when is man ready to propose marriage?  She'll let him know.

miracle whip is solvents:  So that's why it soaks through the bread.

can sodium hydroxide mask cocaine in urine test:  But ... but that would be a lye.

southwest airline pilot stacy sexual reassignment surgery:  Insert "cockpit" joke here.

totally nude aerobics by ron harris:  After about three jumping jacks, he'll wish he had a cup on.

what does a pre-catalytic converter do:  Cost you twelve hundred dollars when it fails.

Penis Size Desired By Women:  I assume so, yes.

"maureen dowd makes":  No compelling argument for TimesSelect.

affordable mansions to rent in nj:  If it's affordable, it's not really a mansion, is it?

what are simmons steak knives worth:  Only $19.95. But wait! There's more!

a good slogan for berkelium:  "Despite our name, we're in the middle of the periodic table."

vendetta typeface substitution:  Verdana would work, but Trebuchet has the belligerent quality you're looking for.

If you're just joining us, this is a weekly (or so it's turned out to be) list of some of the wackier requests posted at search engines that somehow landed the searcher on this site. I reproduce them here because it's a lot easier than coming up with 300 words of my own early on a Monday morning.

I want to marry an hispanic:  Shouldn't be too hard to find. (Note: This search came from the Mexican version of Google, so I stand by my statement.)

Are the Professions meritocracies?  I think of them as a labor union where everyone is shop-steward or higher.

disappearing bikini:  I wish you'd asked this of Ms Dewey. (Later: I did.)

what should i do if i accidentally consumed expired pamprin:  Buy a fresh bottle within 28 days.

invisible and i know you can't see me:  Well, that is what the word means.

official new york state reptile:  Surprisingly, it's not Chuck Schumer.

Kraft Cool Whip contains insulation:  It just tastes like it.

i live in a town with no diversity:  Not to worry. The New York Times will be along shortly.

What sex was triple crown winner Secretariat:  I actually got to see Secretariat — at Saratoga in 1973 — and, well, he was hung like a horse.

get naked and take my five inch penis:  Okay, who lent the laptop to Mark Foley?

Why Is Chicken Fighting Illegal in Kentucky:  The losers end up in the Colonel's Famous Bowls.

what goes on your permanent record:  Everything. So watch it.

advice what do women think of men wearing pantyhose:  Probably "Better you than me."

okc radio station with bob as call letters:  I may be going out on a limb here, but I have a feeling it's Bob FM.

can men and women be just friends:  Yes. Dammit.

Now is the time on dustbury.com when we dance through the referrer logs and laugh at some of the sillier things found therein.

Gilligan kept screwing up those rescues:  Of course. Otherwise, the series would have ended in six episodes (a three-hour tour).

Muslim names suited for virgos:  Islam rejects astrology in general, a decree from the Prophet himself — who reportedly was born on 26 April 570, making him a Taurus.

popeye's last name:  No one knows. Poopdeck Pappy said he couldn't remember it. (Rumors that it might have been "Garden" have so far been unfounded.)

bikini search engine:  You might try Booble.

baristas nude:  I think they're required to wear aprons.

i disagree with i think therefore i am:  How about "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together"?

what have I done wrong god:  If you have to ask, you probably already know.

is squid an aphrodisiac?  If it were, they'd charge a lot more for calamari.

how to accept a marriage proposal - not to appear overeager:  "Yes, I will" works pretty well.

What happens in men's locker rooms:  Two words: "towel snapping."

guacamole dip kraft firestone:  Yes, it does taste rather like a steel-belted radial.

Pros and cons of having a nuclear facility in palm springs:  Pro: cheap energy, limited greenhouse effect. Con: George Hamilton will drive by and wind up looking like Chris Rock.

does pepperoni contain maggots:  Not intentionally.

I assure you, I wouldn't keep going to this particular well were I not absolutely certain I'd find something worth bringing up.

buy roddenberry's dill pickles:  Sandwiches. The final frontier.

novelty stores for purchasing butt plugs in oklahoma city:  Of course, "novelty stores." You think people would look for them at Best Buy?

all the things i never said:  Maybe they're on Google.

mind control tammy wynette illuminati:  Stand by your fnord.

"lou rawls" proctology:  I guess love really is a hurtin' thing.

jokes about women turning 50:  Bad idea. Trust me on this.

"involuntary celibacy" "support group":  Nice idea, but I don't think I'd go there looking for dates.

where have all the children gone:  Gone to my yard, every one. When will they ever learn?

turnstile cromulence:  Embiggens the subway ridership.

when do you change the timing belt infiniti I30:  When you feel like throwing money away, since it doesn't have one.

tampon wedding dress sheffield:  Waste not, want not.

why does the "soulmate calculator" need my cell phone number?  Read the fine print. It sends all its data via text message, which you get to pay for.

mayonnaise hair news:  You should not have mayonnaise in your hair.

do bats have hair on their wings:  I told you to keep those bats out of the mayonnaise.

why does 2005 grand prix GXP have bad front tire wear?  Front-wheel drive and 295 horsepower? What do you think?

how to make your penis taste better:  Two words: "flavored condoms."

when to leave kittens alone:  When Little Willie John tells you to.

"six toes" sexy:  I'll take your word for it, but I'll bet it's hard as heck to get her to wear sandals.

While we're at it, Disturbing Search Requests now has its own domain, and while they put out less stuff than I do, the stuff they do put out is, well, disturbing.

Robin Givhans is critical of pop culture:  Who the hell isn't these days?

car with transmission problems what does it mean:  Caution: severe budget damage.

Pic of real live female cherry or maidenheads:  I think we can safely assume that this character isn't ever going to see one in person.

starting sentences with WITH:  With all the words we have available to us, why start with that one?

"songs about butts":  Dial 1-900-MIXALOT, and kick them nasty thoughts.

negatives of establishing a nude beach:  That damn sand gets in everything.

why would someone want to perform an act of vengeance:  It's much more satisfying than letting them get away with it.

dale chihuly twisted dentyne:  Glass must be getting really expensive.

women wearing coolwhip bikinis:  Quick, before it melts.

turkish snow cone sex position:  Quick, before it melts.

"Classical Music for People" Who Hate Blogspot:  There's always Eine kleine Nichtgoogle.

what are the criteria to become a Playboy Playmate:  (1) Boobage; (2) over 18 years of age; (3) boobage.

ann coulter playboy:  Well, she is over 18.

parent directory heckle and jeckle:  Probably C:\TERRYTOONS.

Obtain Wolverine Urine:  Try eBay, fanboy.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the virus:  Um, no. That was St Peter of Norton, martyred at the Temple of Symantec in '90.

platonic "asian guy" "get laid":  If it's really platonic, he won't.

can a large man fit comfortably in a Subaru Baja Sport:  In the seat, or in the bed?

Whatever these folks were following, it wasn't a Star in the East.

what becomes of the broken hearted AND Bose:  Love songs played at high decibel level so you'll never know they're crying.

How does transmission problem sounds:  Grindingly expensive.

you look like a freaking gopher:  You're not so damn cute yourself.

is 1994 toyota celica GT suitable for girl drivers:  What sort of car, precisely, is not "suitable for girl drivers"?

deer hits on Vibe auto 10000 damage, will it be totaled:  My car got totaled for a mere $6000 damage.

spanking + rectal thermometer:  Just what we needed: twice the pain in the ass.

what to do after miniscus surgery:  Lying in bed and popping pain pills sounds good to me.

the japanese import cars on earth:  And export them to every planet this side of Uranus.

"men don't like me":  Aw, shaddup, Maureen.

want to know about cocaine laced with lye:  When the cops come knocking, you'll be able to flush it and be assured that it won't get stuck in the drain.

an overly robust geezer:  I think Strom Thurmond has given up dating.

At this rate, we'll reach 100 episodes of this little sideshow by the end of next year.

Scarlett OHara New Jersey Band:  Guitar, drums and bass, but no fiddler-dee-dee.

can i sue homeowner for carbon monoxide death of my husband:  Why, did she lock him in her garage or something?

"mark cuban" intj:  Yeah, you gotta be an introvert in today's NBA.

shredded coal mine boners:  This explains much about Big Bad John.

Does Daneel Olivaw ever have a relationship with a female robot?  Not that I know of; while development of female robots took place after Susan Calvin's retirement, by then Olivaw was busy with the reinvention of himself.

does a 95 mazda 626 have clutch fluid?  That depends. Does it have a clutch?

involuntary celibacy penis size:  Usually not a factor.

maureen dowd curvy:  Well, kind of.

god hates bloggers:  Actually, God hates Blogspot, and is not all that crazy about Xanga either.

scholarships for descendants of pillsbury family?  If they don't already have enough dough of their own.

How can you tell if a man is not sexually active?  For one thing, his blog is updated daily.

Shall I do these seven times? From the looks of things, I could do them seventy times seven, in which case everything up to now is tithe.

nudism in greenland:  Brrr.

nigeria builder women love scam dating "dave"  Dave's not here. He's busy wiring good-faith money to Lagos.

desmond mason married to a white woman:  Yeah, so?

bandwidth baby jesus  We're talking more than mere terabytes here.

"fat vegetarians":  A lot of them fought for the Romans, if I remember correctly.

"is it a date or hanging out":  I suggest that if it's hanging out, you probably won't get a date.

why do people zoned out?  Um, they bored silly?

Nancy Pelosi leg photos:  You'll remember that no one asked to see anything of Dennis Hastert's.

hummer windshield scraper:  Not to be confused with sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch.

illegal olsen twins in thongs:  Sorry, Chucko, the Olsen twins are legal now.

insipid GoDaddy parked page:  You should see some of the ones they actually host.

heather locklear bowlegs:  I think as close as she ever got was Tulsa.

insufficient bendy erect penis:  Seems to me, if it's bendy, it's hardly erect.

we all realize that you are reluctant to spit the 3 day old Doritos out of your mouth and think of a decent comeback but you are starting to look a little girly. Please go purge and gargle, then come back with some better lines to defend yourself:  [gulp!]

terry jacks dies:  He had joy, he had fun, he had seasons in the sun, but so far as I know, he had not stopped breathing.

As Rod Bernard used to sing, this should go on forever.

who invented foreshadowing?  Somehow I knew someone was going to ask that.

resuscitate beautiful name of allah in realaudio:  There are those of us who consider the very mention of RealPlayer blasphemous.

erotic flip flop photos:  I remember when fetishes weren't so darn specific.

feng shui flying horse:  Point his hindquarters away from your rooftop.

huge erections:  I hear the Parthenon was pretty big.

lady latex burqa outfit:  Wouldn't it be easier just to have yourself vulcanized?

guys reason for whistling at uncool girls:  For they themselves are uncool and wish to broadcast this fact.

My Dr. won't take pain seriously heart attack:  Have one in his office.

how to let go of an old love:  Find a new one. (Easier said than done.)

i want to live someplace besides indiana:  Have you considered Belarus? (Note: This traced back to an IP in, yes, Crown Point, Indiana.)

Another one of those sexy glass kissing Asian babes:  Hot diggedy, there's more than one!

susan richards undoes her clothes:  Heck, Reed could do it for her from across the room.

eharmony boring ugly women:  I bet you're no prize yourself.

irritating bloggers:  You wanna know what's irritating? I'm #1 for this search.

do all redheads have fiery tempers?  I'm afraid to ask.

stiletto crushing, stiletto crushing, stiletto crushing... [repeat 13 times]:  Will somebody please plant a heel in this guy's hand so he'll quit typing?

If you're just now tuning in, this is a weekly compendium of the least-explicable search strings that landed people somewhere on this site, chosen for maximum inappropriateness and/or ease of coming back with a smartass remark.

what NBA team was named after the pants worn by dutch settlers immigrants to US in 1600's:  I think we can safely assume it's not the Nets.

is it legal to telemarket accident victims in Tn:  Just distasteful and obnoxious.

who is the oldest woman to ever pose for a mens magazine:  I saw Mona Lisa in Esquire once, but I think that was a reprint.

"how to be dumped":  Curiously, or maybe not so curiously, I am #2 for this search.

is it common for guys to be curious about pantyhose and wear them:  Yes, and No, in that order.

how to be cold and calculating:  I checked this IP, and it did not come from the office of a New York Senator.

NUDE PETER NOONE:  I'm Henry the chilled, I am.

Pictures of Disneys Kim Possible having sex:  So long as she works for Disney, she doesn't do that sort of thing.

gordy's headache powder:  You mean "Goody's." Berry Gordy prided himself on giving headaches.

lonely celibate suicide loveless "get laid":  One of these things is not like the others.

is there any side effect of rearing cats at home (please answer yes or no):  Yes. People who keep cats also tend to have litter boxes. People who have litter boxes and who do not have cats should be avoided.

taping mustard packet on back during MRI:  Wouldn't it be cheaper just to buy your own microwave oven?

nancy pelosi bikini pictures:  Trade you for one of Condi Rice in Daisy Dukes.

Duluth Nudist Resort:  Are they even open in January?

is mooning someone on private property considered indecent exposure:  You might try that at the Duluth nudist resort, if they're open in January.

what is something 327 feet tall:  Bill O'Reilly standing on his ego.

The idea here is to pore over the referrer logs, look at what came in from the search-engines, and then answer it here, although seldom in the way the searcher intended. And yes, we've done this 51 times before.

Ted Turner's quote when looking at an Egyptian woman's breasts:  I can only hope it wasn't "Hey, nice Tuts."

208,000 folks get this everyday:  "What is 'sick of The View'?"

how do i get 100,000 people to give me $5 each:  Send each of them $20.

britney spears showing flesh:  When isn't Britney Spears showing flesh?

what happens if i overstate the amount on my 1099-g:  You overpay your taxes, which is always a thrill.

rebecca the girl that came out in ass parade:  Or was it stuck out?

bush third term:  Bite your tongue.

deer don't hit me:  Lucky you. Or is this a prayer?

rules for being president:  Anything goes, except hummers.

what brand of cars do democrats drive?  Anything goes, except Hummers.

why do people leave christmas lights on after christmas:  It's too damn cold to go outside and take them down.

what 39 percent of women want for their birthday:  Not to have to count it.

Robert J. Clark shooting "Robert J. Clark":  You keep out of this. He doesn't have to shoot you now.

where is the undo key:  Right next to the "any" key.

can you buy oscar meyer bologna in England?  Until the Muslims take over completely.

dustbury hottie:  Not.

About five thousand people land on this site every week. Sometimes it's deliberate; sometimes they're just looking for something. And sometimes the something they're looking for is worth mentioning here.

god of refrigeration:  Hail to thee, O mighty Freon. R-134 is but a pretender to thy mighty throne.

the river that shares its name with the city of san francisco:  Hint: it's not the Columbia.

hal cash atm:  "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't allow you to overdraw your account."

gamma girls:  Do they take beta blockers?

which females has the nicest and biggest breats [sic] according to astrology?  Gemini. Think "twins."

potable cd-r recorder:  I find that a little hard to swallow.

what does a woman with 36B bust look like:  Migod, you'd think they were rare or something.

compelling reason for your marriage to be unpublicized:  You're marrying Paris Hilton.

Chance of dying at 49:  In my case, zero.

is this a lasting treasure, or just a moment's pleasure?  If I tell you now, will you promise not to ask again?

Is it okay to use an epilator on the face?  If you don't mind feeling like you've been smooching a Weed Eater, sure.

women as doormats:  No way to get them to look up to you, believe me.

clueless men what women want:  I don't claim to know what women want, but I suspect it's not clueless men.

zip code 78666 satan:  Um, no, San Marcos.

impacts of improper disposal of chicken:  Imagine a giant beak pecking at a face — forever....

I didn't invent this concept, but I daresay, I've gotten the maximum mileage out of it. And with traffic now on the (slight) upswing — well, see for yourself.

weird search queries:  You're looking at them.

sports enema:  What, is ESPN expanding again?

jessica alba is really ugly:  You're no prize yourself.

cisco alcoholic beverage:  Not the choice of those who program routers for a living.

how to apologize to a woman when she just wants to be friends:  Wait a minute. You're apologizing to her?

bewitched kidman legs:  Which you hardly got to see in the actual movie, dammit.

nba penis size:  Let's just say it's harder to hit from the 3-point line.

when will you meet your soulmate:  About the time Satan starts banging on the pipes because the heat's off.

engine mayonnaise:  If you're actually producing this sort of thing, see your authorized dealer pronto.

dexy's equivalent meth:  Geez, Eileen, slow up a little, wouldja?

should I worry about a P0420 error code on the I30:  Depends. Can you spare $1200 for a new front tube and oxygen sensor?

"literary editor" "stuff magazine":  Finally, something to beat out "jumbo shrimp" on the Top 10 Oxymorons List.

cool minivans:  Finally, something to beat out "jumbo shrimp" on the Top 10 Oxymorons List.

lyrics: duh duh duh duh ... duh duh duh:  So I'm supposed to name that tune in fifteen Duhs?

Infinite Dress, invented by Linda Silvestri:  Anyone know what size this is?

Every week, four thousand or so people wander into this site; maybe a dozen or so are singled out for this form of abuse.

is lubricant harmful when performing oral sex:  Probably not, though the flavor certainly sucks.

does yogurt have an IQ?  If it does, can we persuade it to run for Congress?

snow white penis:  I don't remember that in the story. It might explain a lot about Grumpy, though.

nanobastards:  Or, more commonly, 0.001 microbastards.

"invisible woman" striptease:  To maintain your interest, she puts her clothes on.

what is the temperature going to be in 2050?  Morning or evening?

a reason to vote for hillary:  Wait a while and some Republican will give you one.

hosiery good bare legs bad:  Depends on the legs.

fried locust okay to eat according to FDA:  I suppose, if you don't fry it in trans fats.

epson smart chip bypass:  If you can bypass it, it's not so smart, is it?

Can you start a sentence with a preposition?  In some circumstances, you can.

Worm Poop Extravaganza:  And just when we were getting tired of monster truck rallies, too.

shakespeare and constipation:  'Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but it sure feels like it.

how many mexican boyfriends are scumbuckets:  If you believe the average telenovela, rather a lot.

bore and stroke relation:  If you stroke her enough, she won't be bored.

From the files of Site Meter, this is a selection of the least-explicable search strings which brought people to this site in the last seven days.

taller amazon women:  Are there shorter Amazon women?

failure is not an option for teachers:  Students, however, seem to fail rather a lot.

the best looking celebrity legs?  I have no idea, though I don't think Abe Vigoda would make it through the first round.

"humor" AND "phlegm" AND "quiz":  I'm just wondering how a quiz about phlegm would be humorous.

ned rorem and the beatles:  Never recorded together, so far as I know.

electrasol kosher:  I don't think so, though it's handy if you use two sets of dishes.

Involuntary Celibacy suicide:  If people were supposed to be doing themselves in for not getting any, you wouldn't be reading this, now would you?

fork with roman numerals:   How about IV K?

toll charge for Louie B. Nunn Parkway:  They took down the tollbooth, so the answer is Nunn.

top 10 reasons to date a paramedic:  Among other things, he can be at your house in three minutes flat.

life without ipods:  Most of recorded history, I should think.

backyard nudity illegal connecticut:  Actually, from a cursory reading of the applicable statute (Sec. 53a-186), I don't think it is, although you might get a scolding from Joe Lieberman.

videos of naked women not blocked by mcafee privacy service:  Gosh, McAfee can do that? I thought they just deleted viruses and stuff.

kia sedona instrument panel explanation "mystery button":  A prerecorded voice emerges from the stereo speakers, telling you not to push that again.

"Bite out of crime" premature ejaculation:  Poor McGruff. So that's why he's never on TV anymore.

why playboy playmates don't have vaginas:  They don't? Has anyone informed Hef?

what is exercising editorial license:  Not printing stuff like this.

As has become customary on Monday morning, here's a variety of unusual searches that landed people somewhere within this domain.

photocell use in blister packaging:  I've always thought that the person who invented the blister pack was definitely in the dark.

coulter topless:  At least some of blogdom seems to want her beheaded, if that's close enough.

detect a girl pee in public:  I don't know about you, but if I detect a girl, I can't pee at all.

bdsm sites, in oklahoma city, oklahoma:  The State Capitol comes immediately to mind.

gm ford chrysler illuminati:  Um, that's "gm fnord chrysler illuminati."

What happens if a cop sees you mooning someone:  You spend a lunar month in the pokey.

what is the torque on a aspirin bottle?  My torque wrench keeps stumbling on those childproof caps.

"dwyane wade" tithe amount:  D-Wade makes $3,841,442 this season. Do the math. (Next year it's much more.)

is katie heigl naked in ZZYZX ROAD:  How should I know? I'm not one of the six people who saw it.

is that, those, this, these prepositions?  Them aren't.

does yogurt give you worms:  Not unless it had it to begin with.

how can i resent the OBD codes on a 2004 chrysler sebring:  Pay someone $75 to pull them.

are the characters in mozartballs actual people:  Indeed they are; I've met two of them.

sexual turn ons for sagittarius women of:  Of what? Not that I'd know anything that would turn them on, mind you.

wear pantyhose to renaissance festival:  If they're at least 400 years old.

cast of dukes of hastert:  John Boehner, Jack Abramoff, and a special appearance by Mark Foley.

Just try to say that fast three times.

Normally I'd save this search-engine item for Monday's roundup, but time is apparently of the essence:

The Borg are coming to assimilate us on March 10th:  Yeah, yeah, resistance is futile, yadda, yadda. Just give me Seven of Nine's coordinates.

Once again, we go poking through the referrer logs for the last week to see what's snarkworthy.

relationships + what is the average length of time for a man to propose marriage:  Actual proposal (four words): six seconds. Time it takes to get him to utter those four words: could be years.

stylish gonad clothing:  Now there's one runway you don't want to see. *

why say when your cat die?  Aren't you grief-stricken at the loss of your friend? Or at the very least, that you've got this one last bag of litter that you'll never use up?

Why did women in world war II stop wearing panty hose?  Silk and nylon were deemed more essential for parachutes than for stockings. (And pantyhose weren't invented until 1959.)

paranoia, sadness with lortab:  Maybe you're not taking enough.

surgeon breast implant "reasonably competent"  I should hope so.

nudist you have a penis:  Maybe half of them do.

lotus notes animated gif in signature:  Oh, please. Like Lotus Notes isn't slow enough already.

"people who don't date":  They blog about it, ad nauseam.

do you take off your underwear when you get a bikini wax:  Look at it this way. Do you shave your underarms while wearing a T-shirt?

can you put aspirin on bikini wax:  Maybe if you keep your underwear on.

what do women think of autofellatio:  Probably that it saves them some work.

maureen dowd come-hither pumps:  To hear her talk, it takes more than that.

paranoid, overachiever, angry outbursts, narcissistic:  Who the hell's been saying I was an overachiever?

* Addendum: Not related to this.

I suspect that if I didn't post anything for seven whole days, I'd still have enough material to stock this little weekly trip through the logs.

i'd rather have my daughter be a pole dancer than my son become an architect:  Of course you would. The architect has to finish his degree first.

"love funny guys":  Of course you do. This is why women will always snub Ioan Gruffudd for a shot at Gilbert Gottfried.

unattractive women, nude:  Picky, picky, picky.

oklahoma "richard morrissette" illegal:  So far as I can tell, Rep. Morrissette is in fact legal in Oklahoma.

Who sang Frankie Fontaine (King of Genital Rock):  MacLean and MacLean. In that order.

Dentyne ice international shipping via usps:  Let me understand this. You're ordering gum from overseas?

is it illegal to pay someone to clean there [sic] house in the nude:  Probably not as illegal as it is if you don't pay them after they clean.

naked pictures of employees from the pennsylvania renaissance faire:  If they stayed in costume, obviously they weren't naked, and if they didn't stay in costume, they probably got fired, in which case they were no longer employees.

i would be suitable for the position of restaurant manager because:  Um, you have no fear of grease traps?

comic sans use in business:  Not if you want to stay in business.

men pics from catalogs used by scammers on okcupid:  What? Guys being deceitful on a dating site? Whoever heard of such a thing?

i ate expired pillsbury biscuits:  How sad. How are the survivors holding up?

salons in hattiesburg that do brazilian wax:  Just once I'd like to see a salon in Brazil offering a Hattiesburg wax.

what is the government doing against low wages:  Giving itself a raise.

It's the ever-popular Monday-morning wrap-up of all the weird questions asked by your friends and neighbors Tuesday through Saturday. (Well, not all of them, obviously.)

fifty year old jokes:  When Berle told them, they were already fifty years old.

who is taking ownership of crossroads mall oklahoma city:  Teenagers, sometimes armed.

Pepsi can masturbation:  I assume you don't just pop one out of the fridge.

halle berry perfect stranger masturbate:  Why, is she carrying a Pepsi can?

what accident did meatloaf have 20 years ago:  He ran into Jim Steinman's ego.

where can i get laid in tulsa:  The Doubletree has always worked for me.

enema search engines:  Is there one called Ass.com?

zyzzyx scrabble:  Rotsa ruck. First, it's a proper noun; second, you'll have to use both blanks, which means you're scoring a maximum of 26 points unless you hit a Premium Square.

babes in varying degrees of undress:  Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to reduce the variation.

funtionally illiterate survey:  Oh, look, there's some now.

leg-to-body ratio:  In most humanoids, two to one.

racket pin steering:  Yeah, I used to have a car like that.

suitable clothing to birthday:  You mean, something other than one's birthday suit?

outraging public decency Oklahoma City:  Hey, I try my best.

"a never-ending stream of the third-rate":  Hey, I try my best.

can putting yogurt in your virginia help your yeast infection:  Only if applied south of Charlottesville.

If you're just tuning in — and where have you been? — this is a weekly exercise in which we look at what was sought by Googlers and Askers and Yahoos and such, and make fun of as many of their searches as possible.

clothing optional beaches in oklahoma:  Wait a minute. There are beaches in Oklahoma?

don't start sentences with it:  It just wouldn't be proper.

suppository fanfiction:  Right. Like there aren't enough assholes in real life.

hoosier daddy in donald duck voice:  Now, now, we don't talk about Unca Scrooge's trip to South Bend.

how much is my vintage McDonalds item worth?  If it's an actual sandwich, probably not much.

gorgeous person in distress:  There's about 60 percent of contemporary fiction, right there.

maureen dowd siblings:  "Are there any more like you at home?" he asked fearfully.

is infiniti i30 a chick car:  Mine isn't. In fact, it doesn't interest the chicks at all.

nudist wears pantyhose:  Must be a work day.

backplane sex:  Is this how you get motherboards?

weed whacker powered bicycle:  You might not want to ride this while wearing shorts.

average women naked photos:  On average, women won't pose for naked photos.

creep ogles tall women:  The creeps I know don't discriminate on the basis of height.

There are a lot of pages under this domain — ten thousand or so — which means that there is a truly prodigious amount of search-engine traffic. Inevitably, this means that there will be some requests that come across as slightly weird. In this series, we look at those for which "slightly" may not necessarily apply.

accident in oklahoma that shut down southbound I-35:  Be more specific. We get those 24/7.

what happens to salad dressing when expired:  It's said to have "bought the ranch."

porn star with "five inch" penis:  You'd think those guys would be, um, too short.

snow white porn:  You'd think those guys would be, um, too short.

"southern california" superficial selfish:  You say that like it's a bad thing.

cheerios palmistry:  Much more difficult than doing it with Post Alpha-Bits.

omen hit deer in car:  You will soon meet a stranger who will identify himself as an insurance adjuster.

book value of 1975 AMC Pacer:  Almost certainly a paperback.

"Invisible Woman" makeup:  Nothing too obvious.

Dennis Hastert bikini wax:  This started with a