Archive for Listing to One Side

An end to this sad tail

News Item: In the end, the constant jokes were just too much to take for the long-suffering residents of Butt Hole Road. And so despairing households in the suburban street in Conisbrough, South Yorkshire, decided that the road’s name simply had to change.

Top Ten rejected replacement names for Butt Hole Road:

  1. Sphincter Lane
  2. Open Bottom Mews
  3. Procto Place
  4. Derrière Way
  5. Coccyx Street
  6. Chocolate Bayou Road
  7. Keister Court
  8. Thong Path
  9. Anus Avenue
  10. Bill O’Reilly Memorial Highway

Our apologies to the residents of Archers Way.

Comments (2)




Less than high definition

News Item: Sci Fi Channel is changing its name to Syfy as it tries to move away from the genre’s association with geeks and space aliens, TelevisionWeek reports. The network will launch the new name July 7.

Top Ten Other New Network Names For Old Networks:

  1. Tragedy Central
  2. Olbermannet
  3. VH4
  4. EPSON
  5. The Pleather Channel
  6. USSR Network
  7. Cinemin
  8. C:BS
  9. Slowtime
  10. The WC

Check your local listings.

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At least it’s not an Oxford comma

News Item: State Rep. Shane Jett said one exclamation point has gotten him more attention than the rest of his four-year legislative career combined. “People ask me if there aren’t more important things for me to work on,” the Tecumseh Republican said Thursday. “I am, they’re just not paying any attention to them.” Jett, as chairman of the House International Relations and Tourism Committee, introduced a bill this session to italicize the word “OKLAHOMA” on the state flag and put an exclamation point at the end. The bill also creates an official state abbreviation: OK!

Top Ten Things That Are More Important For Shane Jett To Work On:

  1. End gender discrimination in access to Viagra
  2. Get as many casinos as possible to relocate to Highway 9, thereby saving fuel for his constituents
  3. Move Pottawatomie County line northward so people don’t think he lives in Shawnee
  4. Bar all campaign funds from outside one’s own district
  5. Extend the drive-thru hours at Van’s Pig Stand
  6. Obtain TARP funding to buy tarp to cover bass boat
  7. Change state motto from “Labor omnia vincit” to “ZOMG WE R AWESUM”
  8. Pester Annie Leibovitz for photos of Joan Jett
  9. Divert state Rainy Day Fund to rainmakers to address growing drought
  10. See if we can’t get some of those hotshot prisoners from Gitmo sent here

(Suggested by BPD in OKC.)

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Where there’s a Will

Rogers State University’s athletic teams are called the “Hillcats,” which Lynn believes to be a fatuous euphemism:

Oh come now! We all know what they really wanted to call them.

The University begs to disagree, but they’d have to, right?

It should be noted that RSU came up with this tag after hiring a branding consultant, which makes me wonder what they might have done on their own. Surely they would have rejected these:

  1. Claremorons
  2. Damninators
  3. Turduckens
  4. Shuckydarns
  5. Shotkickers
  6. Hellenic Scholars
  7. Cigar-Store Indians
  8. JurassicRaptors
  9. Fuchsias
  10. Flying Buttresses

Suddenly, “Hillcats” sounds almost good.

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Things they didn’t try

News Item: General Motors Corp. and Chrysler LLC will get $13.4 billion in initial government loans to keep operating in exchange for a restructuring under a rescue plan announced by President George W. Bush.

Bankruptcy, said Mr Bush, was not an option. The Top Ten options that were not adopted:

  1. Bob Nardelli gives away Dodge Calibers in the streets of Mumbai
  2. Economic-stimulus checks good only toward the purchase of a new Pontiac (see dealer for details)
  3. GM revives Oldsmobile, renames it “Obamamobile,” hopes for change in its fortunes
  4. The ghost of Soichiro Honda is summoned to preside at Detroit board meetings
  5. As the Iraq war winds down, Dodge Dakotas are pressed into use as patrol vehicles
  6. We’re dealing like crazy! Call 1-800-BLAGOJEVICH now!
  7. Worried about global warming? Come to our storage facility and kick the crap out of the SUVs
  8. Knight Rider voice now available as an OnStar option
  9. Have Superman drive around the world in reverse in a Chrysler Sebring
  10. Develop a deadly virus that affects only retired and active UAW members

Comments (5)




Smells like Broccoli

Barbara Broccoli, that is, keeper of the flame for the James Bond film series, who no doubt had something to do with this:

Avon Products, Inc. [has] announced a collaboration with the James Bond entertainment franchise, property of Danjaq LLC and Eon Productions, to create a new signature Bond Girl 007 women’s fragrance, bringing the confident allure of cinema’s sexiest icons to Avon consumers worldwide. British actress Gemma Arterton, who plays the role of Agent Fields in the upcoming Bond film, will be the face of the new fragrance. She will appear in TV and print advertising when Bond Girl 007 launches globally in October 2008 in conjunction with the worldwide release of “Quantum of Solace,” the 22nd film in the Bond franchise, which is the largest and longest running movie franchise in history.

This was announced back in May, but I didn’t notice it until Avon Campaign 23, the brochure for which has arrived on my doorstep. The 1.7-oz Eau de Parfum Spray, in a bottle with a very definite waistline, sells for $30, and they’re offering a ticket to Quantum of Solace if you actually buy one.

And of course it got me wondering just what kind of tie-in products were inspired by Bond films and somehow never made it to market. For instance:

  1. Sylvia Trench coats
  2. The Zippo Felix Leiter
  3. Holly Goodhead hair gel
  4. Bambi and Thumper dual exhausts
  5. Low-cholesterol Fabergé eggs
  6. Peaceful Fountain Pens of Desire
  7. Lifelike Bibi Dahls
  8. Male enhancement kit endorsed by Penelope Smallbone
  9. Rideable Kissy Suzuki
  10. [make up your own Pussy Galore joke]

Surely some of these might have sold.

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Branding irony

Microsoft’s Mike Nash makes the announcement:

[A]s you probably know, since we began development of the next version of the Windows client operating system we have been referring to it by a codename, “Windows 7.” But now is a good time to announce that we’ve decided to officially call the next version of Windows, “Windows 7.”

The discussion over this matter, of course, was furious. The Top Ten rejected names for Windows 7:

  1. Windows 6.66
  2. Not Vista
  3. DOS 8.0
  4. [deleted pending issuance of Service Pack]
  5. Windows 08SE
  6. Ocelot
  7. “Who cares, Apple’s gonna make fun of it anyway”
  8. Really Not Vista
  9. ActiveVex
  10. Windows XP Service Pack 4

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Evidently it’s an open trough

Because God forbid we should discourage companies from polishing up their begging bowls:

I watched part of the bailout hearings on TV while at the gym. Evan Bayh (Democratic Senator from Indiana) was asking why the taxpayer couldn’t get some equity in return for the risk. Paulson and Bernanke (Bush administration fellas) said that it would cut down participation. But … excuse me … isn’t that the point? Set the price for a bailout high enough and only folks who really need a bailout will apply. Without such a disincentive, every finance industry lobbyist in Washington will jockey for part of the $700 billion bonanza.

The Democrats, and even some Republicans, are calling for limits on executive pay as part of the bailout. With gold presumably off the table, here are the Top Ten alternate materials being considered for executive parachutes:

  1. Plywood
  2. Zinc
  3. Osmium
  4. Mercury *
  5. Drywall
  6. Dihydrogen monoxide
  7. Depleted uranium
  8. Al Gore’s presumably-superfluous winter coats *
  9. Soap scum
  10. Lead

* Subject to EPA regulations.

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Wrongness abounds

The following, reports Julie R. Neidlinger, are “things God never intended”:

  • Skinny jeans on guys
  • Tattooed makeup on women
  • Huge spoilers bolted on the back of hilariously nonathletic-looking cars
  • Women’s short-shorts in any size above 12
  • Fried Oreos

Alas, my Photoshop skillz aren’t sufficiently mad for me to conjure up a picture of a guy in skinny jeans driving a slammed Mitsubishi with a wing the size of a surfboard, sitting next to his size-16 true love with the permanent mascara and the Daisy Dukes, chowing down on a cookie that used to have no trans fats.

Disclosure: I’m sorry, 12 doesn’t strike me as being all that darn big. What’s more, I was once married to a 20½. (She’s smaller these days. Or I’m bigger.)

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Not suited up

Seems like the whole city is on tenterhooks waiting for the newly-arrived NBA franchise to get a name. Sports Illustrated’s Ian Thomsen, however, is not:

This is a ridiculous exercise in lawyering and marketing and all of the things that traditional fans hate about sports today. I personally have no interest in this topic. All of the good names are already taken. When you start giving teams names like “Devil Rays” and “Thrashers” and “Blue Jackets” — not to mention naming teams after concepts like the “Wild” or “Magic,” or giving them schizophrenic identities like the “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” — it means there are too many teams.

Indeed. Here are the Top Ten rejected names for the Oklahoma City NBA franchise:

  1. Tenterhooks
  2. Junebugs
  3. Aprilbugs
  4. Bisontennials
  5. Times
  6. Refugees
  7. D-Tractors
  8. Archvillains
  9. Potholers
  10. Bennettroids

There’s still time to pick “Scissortails,” guys.

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Won’t you take me to Scarytown?

Samples from a list of the 10 Scariest Cities in America:

Baltimore [#3] is the most rat-infested city in America. I recommend that you keep one eye open while sleeping, or you might end up with a rat’s nest in your hair.

A recent study done by Hallmark showed that El Paso [#4] has the worst sense of humor of any other place in the country. They also have the lowest greeting card sales numbers. I wouldn’t dare crack a joke in this town.

[Los Angeles — #10] The city with the largest class stratification in America, complete with plenty of slimy millionaires and tons of boob jobs. Enough said.

Let it be known that at one time I was considering a Pacific Northwest loop for a future World Tour. However, at the moment I don’t think it’s a good idea to show up anywhere near Seattle with Oklahoma plates.

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No, no, pick me!

Page Six is claiming that MSNBC talking heads Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann are hot to take the Meet the Press slot vacated by the late, lamented Tim Russert.

I tend to doubt this, or at least half of it: Matthews apparently told Page Six he wasn’t interested. That leaves — well, here are the Top Ten names ranking higher than Keith Olbermann on NBC’s shortlist:

  1. Bill O’Reilly
  2. Irving R. Levine
  3. Ann Curry
  4. Anyone who has ever been married to Larry King
  5. Larry King
  6. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth
  7. Tina Fey
  8. Jim Kramer, if he takes his medication
  9. Ashleigh Banfield
  10. The stuffed and mounted corpse of David Brinkley

NBC, properly, hasn’t said a word.

(With thanks to JammieWearingFool.)

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Shake it and see if there’s any change

News Item: Republicans will counter the Democratic push for change from the years of the Bush administration with their own pledge to deliver, drum roll please, “the change you deserve.”

Top Ten political slogans rejected by the Republican Party before deciding on “the change you deserve”:

  1. “Staff white people like”
  2. “We pick our losing candidates early
  3. “Wingnut > Moonbat”
  4. “We put the ‘Old’ in ‘Grand Old Party'”
  5. “Rule 6: No Clintons”
  6. “You deserve a tax break today”
  7. “Our babes are hotter than their babes”
  8. “Now 100% Berkeley-Free”
  9. “2 Centuries 1 Idea”
  10. “We’re good bad, but we’re not evil

(Suggested by Michelle Malkin.)

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Bolstering my shelf-esteem

Swiped from Fillyjonk, this premise (the explanation apparently originated elsewhere):

What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as “unread” by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you’ve read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn’t finish.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead (note 1)
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno (and Purgatory and Paradise) (note 2)
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes: a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield (note 3)
The Three Musketeers

Notes:

  • How I finished Atlas Shrugged and not this is amazing.
  • With apologies to Jim Steinman and/or Meat Loaf, one out of three ain’t good.
  • This is David Copperfield with two Ps by Charles Dickens, not David Coperfield with one P by Edmund Wells.

And I could swear I’ve read Emma, but I can’t remember where I picked it up, so I left it off.

Update: First paragraph redone to clarify credits.

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Is there a spin doctor in the house?

News Item: Grant Humphreys plunked down $132,400 for the high bid in a 10-day eBay auction for the Santa Monica Pier’s Ferris wheel, Jeff Klocke, marketing director for the pier’s Pacific Park, announced Friday. “I asked him what he was going to do with it. He said at this point he wasn’t 100 percent sure but he’s going to have some fun with it with his family first,” Klocke said after bidding closed at noon.

Top Ten things Grant Humphreys will not do with the Santa Monica Pier’s Ferris wheel:

  1. Roll it home along Route 66
  2. Trade it for White Water Bay season tickets
  3. Place it at the east end of Block 42, where it will obstruct the scenic view of I-235
  4. “Dear Aubrey McClendon: Let’s see you buy this!”
  5. Trade it for Sonics season tickets
  6. “Dear Dad: Remember that time when you wouldn’t take me to Frontier City? Nyah.”
  7. Hang it on the edge of Stage Center and wait until somebody notices
  8. Trade it for Blazers season tickets
  9. Set it parallel to the ground, start it spinning, and watch it take out half of Myriad Gardens
  10. Offer to mount it on top of Seattle’s Space Needle

Note: All its base are belong to him.

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It’s all in the games

“Have you given any thought to your avatar’s carbon footprint?”

Um, say what?

That’s actually a serious question: the larger virtual worlds and MMOs require thousands of servers to run, and that expends enormous amounts of electricity.

Second Life Carbon Offset Exchange is an offshoot of carbon offset retail site 4offsets.com, and if you have a Second Life account you can visit the company’s SL headquarters (direct teleport at this link). Then if you have enough Linden Dollars, the world’s official currency, you can start buying the offsets.

I have no experience with these games, so I will take this at face value. Meanwhile, I wonder what sort of environmental changes we can expect in non-computerized games, like, oh, Monopoly:

  • Engine idling prohibited on Free Parking
  • Water Works faces EPA mandate to clean up stormwater drainage
  • Luxury Tax superseded by Carbon Tax
  • Electric Company charges variable rent based on the time of day you land on it
  • Passing Go now earns $185; $15 congestion charge assessed
  • Railroads switch to cleaner diesel, raise rents
  • Mediterranean Avenue declared brownfield
  • Race-car token replaced by bicycle

I shudder to think what might happen to Scrabble.

(Via Tim Blair.)

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A mighty road car is our Ford

Coming soon to eastern Kansas, the Mustang Church of America:

Charles Ales loves Mustangs and doing good to others, so he’s putting it all together and starting the Mustang Church of America and Museum.

“There’s not another one like it in the world,” said Ales, lifelong car collector. “I’ve been around car nuts all my adult life. You can mess with their wives, you can mess with their dogs, but you can’t mess with their cars. It borders on a religion with them, so I built them a church.”

So far, the only automaker actually named after a god is Mazda.

Top Ten new religious movements of an automotive nature:

  1. The Porschetarians
  2. Chevrolaity
  3. Seekers of Infiniti
  4. Office of the Archmitsubishop
  5. V-Sikhs
  6. LaSallevation Army
  7. Gnashticism
  8. Subarutherans
  9. GTOrthodoxy
  10. Society of St. Prius X

Jesus, we may assume, was partial to Hondas; in Acts 2, the disciples managed to get to the first Pentecost in one Accord.

(Via the heretics at Autoblog.)

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Steamroller on side streets

News Item: New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has apologized amid allegations of involvement in a prostitution ring. The married father-of-three said he had acted in a way that violated his obligations to his family.

Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses:

  1. “I was just trying to get her a driver’s license.”
  2. “I had a hunch she’d lead me to the rest of the Gambino family.”
  3. “Did you know that hookers engage in price-fixing?”
  4. “I was following up on Dick Grasso’s expense-account file.”
  5. “Don’t screw with me. I’m a Superdelegate.”
  6. “Nobody would have said a word if that goober Pataki had done anything like this.”
  7. “That fink Joe Bruno is behind this, isn’t he?”
  8. “There’s got to be some way to blame this on the record industry.”
  9. “It’s okay, my dad paid for it.”
  10. “Do you know how boring it gets in Albany?”

If anyone cares, Governor Spitzer is a Democrat.

Addendum: David Letterman did a similar list later that night. We overlap, maybe, on one item.

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We come to Barry Obama, not to praise him

eBay item: “You are bidding on a framed genuine FAKE birth certificate of Barack Hussein Obama. Did I say that his middle name is Hussein? I did? Okay. Here is the fun part. Because it is apparently against the rules to use the middle name of HUSSEIN, the winning bidder will have the opportunity to choose a new middle name to replace HUSSEIN. It will be inserted in the FAKE certificate. We can begin using the name, and then we won’t have to worry about being arrested by the DemocRAT PC police for using the actual real name HUSSEIN.”

Top Ten likewise-unacceptable middle names for Barack [           ] Obama:

  1. Koresh
  2. Diane
  3. Jacob Jingleheimer
  4. Amadeus
  5. Tuvok
  6. Ringling
  7. Anakin
  8. Medici
  9. Kuhn
  10. Insein

(Swiped from Fausta by way of E. M. Zanotti.)

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Happy birthday, dear wingers

How shall we celebrate the tenth anniversary of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy? Suggestions in Comments, please.

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I think they should call it “Sonny”

A passel of Tufts University students have put up a blog to — well, the subtitle says it all:

A select group of America’s most brilliant students who are actually getting academic credit (if not a stellar grade) for goofing off on this blog.

One post so far, from “The Minions,” who advise:

Remember that one of the goals of this project will be to generate traffic from other blogs and from web surfers. Therefore, a name that attracts interest or curiosity is more advantageous than something generic.

As an example, you might find it amusing that one blog that enjoys significant traffic is called “This Blog Is Full of Crap.”

I need hardly point out that Laurence Simon objects to his traffic being called “significant.” Still, the name for this new enterprise is indeed critical, and to show that I have a heart, I offer an even number of half-hearted suggestions:

  • The Huffington Pissed
  • 19-Year-Old Women With Large Breasts
  • Like Glenn Reynolds, But Without Saying “Heh”
  • We Thought They Were Saying “Woo-burn”
  • Carbohydrate Wisdom
  • My36DD
  • Bin Laden, Done That
  • Duncan Hunter Read This Once
  • Panic! At The Bursar’s
  • 20-Year-Old Women With Large Breasts

You’re very welcome.

Update: They’ve tweaked a few things, including the tag line, which now contains the phrase “wait till Dad finds out”, and The Minions have given way to The Perfessor.

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Chairman Bill has plans for you

News Item: Microsoft has asked the designers of a low-cost Linux laptop intended for children in developing nations to redesign the system so it can accommodate its Windows XP operating system.

Also on Microsoft’s agenda for the coming year:

  • Release of a suspiciously Apple-esque application called “mZune”
  • Require buyers of new PCs who request XP instead of Vista to pay for licenses for both
  • Redesign of Windows Update to erase Firefox when detected
  • MSN butterfly replaced by velociraptor
  • New video service called “WeTube”
  • Diversification into the lucrative field of baby gear

Meanwhile, Chrysler chairman Bob Nardelli has asked the Environmental Protection Agency to require Toyota to retrofit the popular Prius with the rear axle and leaf springs of a Dodge Ram truck, on the basis that the battery pack is heavy and could fall through the lightweight sedan’s body structure, causing a toxic spill. When it was pointed out that the extra 300 lb of weight would seriously impair fuel-economy figures on the Prius, Nardelli simply smiled.

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The 2009 Crescent Roller

News Item: The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an “Islamic car”, designed for Muslim motorists. Proton is planning on teaming up with manufacturers in Iran and Turkey to create the unique vehicle. The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.

Top Ten Other Features of Proton’s New “Islamic Car”:

  1. Infidel-resistant fenders
  2. Sensor warns if car is about to enter drive-through at Taco Bell
  3. Extra-long seat belt to accommodate burqa
  4. Horn plays two bars of Scheherazade
  5. A feature patterned after OnStar calls CAIR and The New York Times in case of emergency
  6. Special Saudi model keeps women in back seat
  7. Warranted for six years/72 virgins
  8. Will not start during Ramadan
  9. Absolutely no plans for a hybrid
  10. Self-destructs upon entering Jewish neighborhoods

See your dealer today. (Suggested by LGF.)

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All you Donnas

Is this ambivalence I’m seeing?

Last night The Donnas played at World Cafe Live. I almost called up Rob to see if he wanted to meet me there but I was dressed in my business best and had nothing else to wear. The Donnas would definitely have made fun of me upon my entrance to the concert hall, just as they poke fun at my name every day of their existence. I really don’t understand why they chose Donna and not Angie or Sheila or Tanya? Certainly there are worse names out there.

Top Ten names rejected by the band before settling on “The Donnas”:

  1. Judy, Judy, Judy
  2. (Marie’s The Name) His Latest Flame
  3. Hillary Dillary Dock
  4. The Cleopatronizers
  5. Shirley Shirley Bo Birley
  6. Betty Don’t
  7. Marge in alia
  8. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia
  9. Katrina and the Waves
  10. Tampon 20

Oh, and Sheila called to thank me for not mentioning her.

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Look what we did

News Item: The American Family Association is claiming credit for declining sales at Ford Motor Company. The Tupelo, Mississippi-based group, headed by Donald Wildmon, has called several times for a boycott of Ford products, most recently in March 2006.

Top Ten other AFA accomplishments to be highlighted in upcoming press releases:

  1. The San Francisco earthquake of 1906
  2. Eric Rudolph managed to stay out of sight for five whole years
  3. Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture
  4. Complete absence of homosexuals in Iran
  5. The San Francisco earthquake of 1989
  6. Reliability issues with VW Jetta
  7. Pat Robertson still not dead and still has a TV show
  8. Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, not available in San Francisco restaurants
  9. West Hollywood not actually part of Hollywood
  10. San Francisco Giants finish last in NL West

From Henry IV, Part I, Act Three:

Glendower: “I can call spirits from the vasty deep.”

Hotspur: “Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call them?”

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Your wish is my command, bro

Ten people who need tasering more than Andrew Meyer did, in no particular order:

Readers will no doubt nominate candidates on their own.

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Your mom

“If the mothers ruled the world there would be no goddamn wars in the first place.”Sally Field

Top Ten other changes you could expect if the mothers ruled the world:

  1. No more salary: you’re going on an allowance
  2. “Wait until your father gets home” will carry all the gravitas of “All mimsy were the borogoves”
  3. Two words: tricycle helmet
  4. Photon torpedos would be introduced 200 years late and would be shaped like a taco
  5. New Corvette: 140 hp, mandatory rear seat with infant carrier, dashboard-mounted breast pump
  6. Two bottles of Bactine with your government cheese
  7. Mothers Against Drunk Driving elevated to Cabinet position, loses “Drunk” from name
  8. Deadbeat dads routinely sent to debtors’ prison
  9. Congress demands action on yeast infections
  10. World completely destroyed on 28th day

Nard collectors will be in your neighborhood this week.

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Stern reprisals

News Item: The NBA fined SuperSonics co-owner Aubrey McClendon $250,000 two weeks after he said his group didn’t buy the team to keep it in Seattle. League spokesman Mark Broussard confirmed the penalty Thursday, but said he did not immediately know the reason the fine was imposed. The comments of McClendon, an Oklahoma City energy tycoon, were at odds with commissioner David Stern’s stated hope of keeping the Sonics in the city they’ve called home for all 40 years of their existence.

Top Ten ways Aubrey McClendon will raise the money to pay the NBA fine:

  1. Cancel two full-page ads in the Oklahoman complaining about OG&E’s new power plant
  2. Foreclose on Irma’s Burger Shack
  3. Borrow it from Mark Cuban
  4. Buy half of Seattle, sell it at a profit
  5. Bottle deposits at Pops
  6. Take it out of Kevin Durant’s rookie contract
  7. Buy the other half of Seattle, sell it at a profit
  8. “For everything else, there’s MasterCard”
  9. Postpone the acquisition of two more miles of Western Avenue
  10. Should be enough under the sofa cushions

Seattle may hang the guy in effigy if they can find enough hemp rope.

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Rhymes with “slithy tove”

News item: Karl Rove, the political adviser who masterminded President George W. Bush’s two winning presidential campaigns, is resigning, the White House confirmed Monday. In an interview published this morning in The Wall Street Journal, Rove said, “I just think it’s time.”

Top Ten items on Karl Rove’s agenda once he leaves the White House:

  1. Walk past Patrick Fitzgerald’s house, whistle
  2. Redesign secret weather machine to produce pure carbon dioxide, then place it in stationary orbit over Al Gore
  3. Sign on to Emperor Palpatine’s campaign
  4. Buy more Halliburton stock
  5. Join General Motors, become TV spokesman for Hummer
  6. Start fast-food chain to be called “Karl’s Sr.”
  7. Stop sending checks to right-wing bloggers
  8. Call up Harry Reid every half-hour, ask “Is your refrigerator running?”
  9. Cancel date with Maureen Dowd
  10. Mastermind George W. Bush’s campaign for President of Mexico in 2012

Busy man.

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Putting the Mo back into Mopar

News Item: Chrysler’s new owner, Cerberus Capital Management, expects the carmaker to return to profitability in roughly three years’ time. In a recent interview, Cerberus boss John Snow told reporters “I think you’ll see that Chrysler will be in much better shape within three years. This is a plan to get it back to profitability.” To ensure that it actually happens, former Home Depot chief Robert Nardelli has been appointed as the automaker’s new Chairman and CEO.

Top Ten steps to be taken by new Chrysler chairman Bob Nardelli to bring the company back to prosperity:

  1. Equip all Five Star dealerships with both English and Spanish signage
  2. License the Hemi to John Deere to build the world’s fastest lawn tractor
  3. Redesign the Dodge Ram logo to look less girly
  4. Fire whichever dorkwad thought the world needed a Jeep that seats seven
  5. Outsource everything smaller than the Pacifica to Hyundai
  6. Promise never to allow Lee Iacocca on television again
  7. Same goes for Dr Z
  8. Revive Dodge La Femme, offer Amanda Marcotte a test drive
  9. Two words: Demon roadster
  10. Create unprecedented buzz by burying all new models for fifty years

And don’t you miss rich Corinthian leather?

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