Archive for Say What?

How the hell did that happen?

Oh, right. What was I thinking?

Rain causes wet roads, says WAFF in Huntsville, Alabama

WAFF is the NBC affiliate in Huntsville, Alabama.

(Via Joseph Pallotta.)

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Do not look directly at the tablet

Trust me. I’m familiar with this stuff:

Let’s see:

“Cross my heart and hope to die,
Stick Losartan in my eye.”

Doesn’t sound right somehow.

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Hardly even counts as a view

Let alone a review. Novelist Marko Kloos discloses one of the least comprehensible reviews in the history of Amazon:

Considering Amazon can track you through a dozen different Web sites to try to persuade you to buy that one pair of shoes you looked at, it’s amazing they can’t deal with something this dumb.

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So click it already

I winced just a little at this:

Then again, I haven’t ended a post that way in five years.

(We’ll forget the post I titled thusly.)

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Sort of level-headed

Samuel Shenton, who founded the International Flat Earth Society in, um, 1956, was not impressed by satellite photos which purported to show the Earth as some sort of sphere: “It’s easy to see how a photograph like that could fool the untrained eye.”

Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Kyrie Irving would not be fooled by such ruses:

In an interview with Cleveland teammates Channing Frye and Richard Jefferson on their podcast, “Road Trippin,” Irving explained to his Cavs teammates with an authoritative tone that there are aliens living somewhere in the universe and the Earth is a flat surface, not a round object as we know to be scientifically and visually proven in countless ways for centuries upon centuries. “This is not even a conspiracy,” Irving said. “The Earth is flat.”

Yes, he got the usual grade-school indoctrination:

“What I’ve been taught is that the Earth is round,” Irving explained, demonstrating that he did pay attention in elementary school when we are all taught such a thing. “But I mean, if you really think about it from a landscape of the way we travel, the way we move and the fact that, can you really think of us rotating around the sun and all planets aligned, rotating in specific dates, being perpendicular with what’s going on with these planets and stuff like this.”

I think I’d find this a bit more plausible if he’d explained that the earth is flat because one weekend LeBron James pounded the hell, and the curvature, out of it.

Still: Kyrie Irving is averaging 24.4 points per game. Someone averaging three or four wouldn’t have gotten this much attention.

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Assholes on the prairie

Apparently it was always thus:

KU Biodiversity Institute screenshot

Maybe they meant to say “perennial.”

Maybe.

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Brian that shall be called Brian

Much mirth about this photo:

Perhaps this is the very Brian they want more of:

A pensioner who single-handedly stopped a nuclear convoy by sitting in the middle of the road has arrived at court.

Brian Quail, 78, appeared at court in Dumbarton, yesterday charged with breach of the peace.

In March last year, Quail brought a convoy of four lorries to a grinding halt after flagging them down at a roundabout in Balloch, also West Dunbartonshire.

He pleaded not guilty and plans to represent himself during the trial.

I’m guessing Brian is not overly fond of bombs either.

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Assuming this is really an error

Or perhaps a Higher Truth:

And let’s face it, he’d fit right in at Fox News.

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Regional soundings

Steve Sailer on the uses, or perhaps misuses, of accents in politics:

One of the polarizing aspects about Donald Trump is that he doesn’t codeswitch much, the way Obama spoke to black preachers in his black preacher accent while he spoke to whites in his flat Kansas accent (a state he barely has visited, but whom he claims to be from due to his mother having been born there and Kansas seeming particularly non-foreign) rather than in his prep school accent. Hillary has used many accents as well.

Trump talks like a guy from Queens, which he is. Many people, often ones not normally fond of New Yorkers, find Trump’s accent reassuringly authentic. Other people find it alarming. Does his failure to upgrade the class associations of his accent demonstrate that he is defective? Or does it imply that he rejects much of America’s class system? If he doesn’t have the decency to modulate his accent properly, what other social conventions might he not value? Clearly, many people with classier accents find Trump’s accent highly unsettling.

I’m pretty sure no one who heard Hillary trying to sound like Granny Clampett on Quaaludes found the experience at all rewarding. Obama had one distinct advantage over her: people tended to read him as some sort of kindred spirit, because they wanted one meeting his general description so badly. And therefore they found his speech patterns sort of neutral, because their speech patterns were sort of neutral.

As for Trump, I suspect that rather a large number of people of a certain age read him as the functional equivalent of another famed Queens resident: Archie Bunker.

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We demand more flesh

No, no, a thousand times no:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I report someone on Instagram for not showing enough skin?

Masturbator wants more material:

Theres this girl who has super nice feet and nice legs and belly, but her photos are like … super boring. she only has like 4 decent photos (out of like 500 or more).

Is it possible to report her so Instagram gives her a strike and force her to upload sexier/revealing photos?

I think we may safely assume this chap is destined for perpetual virginity.

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Needs balls, or something

I really, really don’t understand this:

But this, of course, was the proper response, because that’s what I do:

Which, I need hardly point out, it is. And, as we shall see, there was a ten-foot peanut in the general vicinity.

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What’s more, it almost scans

This would seem well-nigh unassailable:

(Via Tony Woodlief.)

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Which explains the Ho, Ho, Ho

Some apparently would even pay for the privilege:

Although a pound and a half seems, um, er, never mind.

(Via @Smatt.)

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Farking trademark

Carla Ulbrich muses on how wonderful it might be to own the rights to the F-word:

(Also available without bleeps.)

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In search of lingua franca

As of now, the official language of Volkswagen Aktiengesellschaft is, um, English:

The Volkswagen Group can’t be fairly thought of as entirely German anymore, so the news that the company is switching its official language to English to help attract managers and executives is a rational, if surprising, decision. While many VW Group companies are still staidly German in character and culture, consider the other companies that it controls: Bentley (British), Bugatti (French), Ducati and Lamborghini (Italian), Škoda (Czech), Scania trucks (Swedish), and SEAT (Spanish). Not to mention the large Volkswagen Group of America operation, which constructs cars in Chattanooga, TN.

Volkswagen’s explicit motivation is to improve management recruitment — making sure the company isn’t losing out on candidates for important positions because they can’t speak German — and that’s inherently sensible in a globalized economy.

I could say something about how all the German-speaking auto executives on earth are tainted by VW’s Dieselgate scandal, but that can’t be true, can it?

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What the hay?

Somehow this seems disquieting:

A Dutch restaurant is now serving up some stallion with its scallions.

The offbeat food truck Keuken van het Ongewenst Dier, which translates to “The Unwanted Animal Kitchen,” now supplies its “My Little Pony Burger” year round to Babbe Hengeveld, a chef who runs her own restaurant Food Guerilla, reports Vice Munchies.

Keuken van het Ongewenst Die has been serving the burger periodically for years and the patty itself is made from the meat of butchered, aging horses that have worked at a local amusement park, Slagharen.

Many years ago, there was a small classified ad in the Oklahoman asking for “50 Head of Poor Horses” every week. They didn’t say that said equines were going to end up in sandwiches.

For what it’s worth, the Pony Burger is not a big seller:

“They don’t sell well because people do feel bad about the idea of eating horse,” Hengeveld told Vice. For some, horses will always be seen as pets in the same way dogs are. Cows and chickens, in many Western cultures, aren’t kept as pets so they’re okay for food.

“Will trade,” said the anguished dad in another classified ad, “two young ewes with friends and personality for two anonymous lambs for the freezer.” Or something like that.

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Beyond any conceivable binary

I don’t understand this either:

You’d think if they still need to be changed, they’re too young to be thinking about gender.

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How dare you be hard-working!

What a horrible thing to say to a woman:

Professors reveal their gender bias and hurt female science students when they write letters of recommendation describing them as “hard-working,” “kind,” or “conscientious,” one lecturer told Oxford physics students last month.

Athene Donald, a Cambridge experimental physics prof, recounted her Oxford lecture in a blog post republished by Times Higher Education. She claims that “gendered adjectives” in letters of recommendation are a “significant detriment to the woman’s progression even without a sexist intent.”

“Gendered adjectives,” which should supposedly be avoided, also include “dependable,” “warm,” and “diligent,” according to a University of Arizona guide [pdf] that Donald references.

Fortunately, “fucking stupid” is satisfyingly generic.

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We wouldn’t shih tzu

McG explains: “[It’s] what you get if you don’t watch where you step.”

It could be worse. Imagine the Jerry Springer Spaniel.

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Harshing your melatonin

A “personalized” Bing search for “Dangers of Too Much Melatonin” brought up this item near the middle of page one:

How much melatonin is too much?

I don’t think I want to know what that connects to.

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Properly upgirded

Not quite spelled so well, though:

W.A. Lions, I think

(From Pleated Jeans via Miss Cellania.)

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Do the Titan Up

Somebody may have been Kraken wise:

(Via Shipwreck, logically.)

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Dead man answering

It takes a lot to stand out in my email box these days. This item today definitely stood out:

Your Facebook friend Jeff Borland is on Quora

Now on Quora? Have you ever met anyone who waited until he had been dead for two years before signing up for a Web service?

Mind you, I’d love to see the guy there; Jeffro had a way with words and a willingness to shoot down total idiots, both of which are useful commodities on a Web site devoted to answering questions, and I’ve missed having him around. But somehow this rubs me the wrong way: if this is a family member using the man’s name, this is Bad Form, and if it’s just some scrub who hacked his way in from Jeffro’s FB account, this is unforgivable.

Incidentally, the Borland account is “following 26 topics.” And there is a function in Settings called “Find Facebook friends,” which makes me wonder if this might be sub-Turing-level bot work. He has 8 followers, one of whom I know.

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Not quite replicated

Having dropped the print edition for lack of ability to walk down the driveway to pick it up, I generally find myself reading what the Oklahoman calls the Print Replica: it’s a fairly accurate copy of the paper paper, available in some obscure native format or as a PDF. The Print Replica, however, is out of its depth when it comes to those little half-pages of advertising that wrap around other pages now and then, so I missed this miscall. The Lost Ogle, fortunately, did not:

Front page of the Oklahoman, 10-26-16

At least it’s kerned, and I don’t mean Sally.

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Plangent commentary

Me, I mock Yahoo! Answers users one at a time. Others, more industrious, make it up in volume:

The opposite of eugenics must be whatever encourages these losers to reproduce.

(Via Miss Cellania.)

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Requiem for none

This is Harris Faulkner, a minor character in the fourth generation of Littlest Pet Shop toys by Hasbro:

Harris Faulkner on LPS

And this is Harris Faulkner, Fox News Channel reporter and anchor for the last decade or so:

Harris Faulkner on Fox News

Now if you ask me, which the United States District Court for the State of New Jersey did not, there’s not a whole lot in the way of resemblance here. That said, after initially denying a Hasbro motion to dismiss, the court has dismissed Fox’s Faulkner’s lawsuit “with prejudice”: it cannot be refiled. Did the warring parties settle? We’ll probably never know.

That said, Harris Faulkner the newsperson does well with simple colors:

Harris Faulkner on the Fox Report

Harris Faulkner on the sofa

But never, ever cartoonish, am I right?

(Via Nancy Friedman.)

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Bobtail nagging at me

This is how I know I’m running a sleep deficit.

I’m reading a pill bottle, for a pill I’ve been taking for several years, and suddenly I begin to emit strange noises:

Hydrochlorothiazide
Doo-dah, doo-dah
Hydrochlorothiazide
All the doo-dah day.”

Now I’ve lapsed into this before, most notably during the heyday of Sally Jessy Raphael; I suspect I picked up the habit from Foghorn Leghorn, who often just hummed for seven beats before lapsing into “Doo-dah.”

Or maybe it was Liberace:

I really miss that guy, you know?

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Ambiguity to die for

Or maybe to live for, when you get right down to it:

Okay, it’s not Turrets Syndrome, but it’s funny.

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Words of buzz

These guys started following me on Twitter yesterday. What is it that they do, exactly?

Revolutionizing marketing at the online point of sale by helping marketers deliver unparalleled brand engagement across reseller channels.

They do have, for the moment, backers:

Synqy Corp., a Pleasant Hill, California-based brand engagement platform, secured $4.5m in seed funding.

The backers were not disclosed.

The company intends to use the funds to develop and launch its platform and expand partnerships in the consumer product goods and electronic sectors.

And there’s this:

Led by Michael Weissman, CEO, Synqy provides a SaaS based brand engagement platform that enables marketers to action a network of intelligent touch points across their reseller channels. The company is working with leading brand marketers and resellers including Nestle, Unilever, Kenwood and SiriusXM.

“SaaS” = “software as a service,” by which is presumably meant that they have a recurring subscription fee for a cloud-based application rather than a single-payment license for some sort of installable disc.

Maybe I’ll follow them long enough to get an explanation of “intelligent touch points.”

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Spicy sphincter

Of course, I could just be reading this wrong:

I mean, it’s only been half a century since I was twelve.

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