Others face the music. ISIS faces the type:
— Chris Gore (@ThatChrisGore) October 11, 2014
Oh, for some (Times New) Roman warriors right about now.
Others face the music. ISIS faces the type:
— Chris Gore (@ThatChrisGore) October 11, 2014
Oh, for some (Times New) Roman warriors right about now.
Tautological tweet is tautological:
"Homicide investigators are investigating a murder that resulted in death." Text I just rec'd from local law enforcement agency. #smh
— Mushtober (@MushKat) October 4, 2014
A murder resulting in death? This sounds like a job for the homicide investigators!
Because instant death obviously isn't a big enough deterrent pic.twitter.com/OLLxCwrB0m
— Caleb Wilde (@CalebWilde) September 28, 2014
Being dead is bad enough, but being dead and having to pay a $200 fine? Geez.
For some time now, there have been airline fares, and there have been airline fees, and the combination of the two will drain one’s wallet in record time — though not enough to tie this record:
“I tried to book cheap flights for a weekend trip to stay with some good friends. I Googled ‘cheap flights to Faro’, found eDreams (‘Great Trips at Great Prices’ is their slogan) were offering the best, with Ryanair and Monarch Airlines, at a cost for the two of us of £164.07.”
Last time we checked in with Ryanair, they were installing pay toilets, so she might have expected to be nickeled-and-dimed, or the equivalent in sterling, to death. And the booking site was kind enough to show her the fees involved:
One pair of fees proved to be weirdly asymmetrical: £17.50 to check the bag at departure, but £23 billion to check it on the return flight.
This wasn’t Ryanair’s fault, however:
“eDreams would like to apologise to Mrs Sessions for any inconvenience caused. We are continuing to investigate, however it appears to be an isolated incident that we have been unable to replicate. If it is a bug, we will find it and make every effort to fix it immediately. eDreams would like to re-iterate that at no point was there any attempt to make this purchase. We would also like to provide the added re-assurance that any attempt at a transaction of this size would automatically be rejected by our systems and unable to proceed.”
And probably rejected by Mrs Sessions’ bank, had they received a credit authorization for that sum.
We’ve dealt with fictional or Photoshopped triple-breasted women before. The idea that someone might actually aspire to this state — well, see for yourself:
An American woman has claimed to have had a third breast surgically added to her chest.
The 21-year-old, who calls herself Jasmine Tridevil, wants to be a reality star.
She posts videos of her daily life in Tampa, Florida, on Facebook to “show the struggles she faces because of her surgery.”
“Reality star” jumped the shark years ago; it appears to have doubled back and taken another spring. And hey, how many of those struggles would you be facing if you hadn’t added extra bewbage?
Oh, it gets better:
Tridevil has also claimed she had the surgery because she didn’t want to appear as attractive to men.
In one of the videos, she said: “I got the surgery because I wanted to turn off guys. I know it sounds crazy but I don’t want to date again ever. I still like to feel pretty.”
Now we’ve had this discussion before:
Question: would a man be more turned on or weirded out by a third mammary?
That said, some of the latter group, were they presented with the genuine article, as distinguished from mere fanfiction and photo manips, might well flee in terror.
And three in a row is more appealing, I’m inclined to think, than any triangular arrangement. Then again, that may be just me.
I watched her video, which runs a little under a minute; I might have dealt with it better if she hadn’t used Radiohead’s “Creep” for background music. And unfortunately for my particular worldview, she has fairly nice legs.
Now to sit back and wait for the “Hoax!” announcements. Please tell me there will be “Hoax!” announcements.
Update: Snopes is on the case.
And the first two, at that:
They’ve changed the page style slightly since then, but rules are rules.
(Dodd Harris saw this before I did.)
It appears that things have definitely changed since I was a schoolboy:
— Russell Wood (@PieFarmer) September 16, 2014
Helena Handbasket was not available for comment.
Although technically that’s supposed to be a judgment call by the health inspector, not by the awning painter:
The national flag should embody the values of the nation, or so I was told back in secondary school, before Mozambique gained independence from Portugal and adopted this nifty little banner:
Why, yes, that is an AK-47. Says Wikipedia:
Green stands for the riches of the land, the white fimbriations signify peace, black represents the African continent, yellow symbolizes the country’s minerals, and red represents the struggle for independence. The rifle stands for defence and vigilance, the open book symbolizes the importance of education, the hoe represents the country’s agriculture, and the star symbolizes Marxism and internationalism.
Yellow minerals? Well, yes, they do mine gold there, but the volume items seem to be aluminum and natural gas.
A 2005 proposal to remove the rifle from the flag was defeated on a party-line vote.
Somehow I suspect this will not sell any product:
[Home DIY Network Presents]
Build Anything with Success and ease
The Faster & Easier Way To Woodworking
Over 16,000 Step-by-step plans
Put yeast into a small bowl with 1/4 cup warm water, 110-115 degrees F, for about 5 minutes and let it foam. In a large mixing bowl put the hot milk, hot water, salt, sugar and shortening and let it cool to lukewarm, add yeast and 3 cups of flour and beat until smooth.
You have to see how cool this is…
I swear, the spammers aren’t even trying anymore.
What were they thinking? L’Oreál, which has owned the Vichy trademark since 1955 — the original Vichy company dates to 1931 — evidently hopes you have a short memory, or only the sketchiest knowledge of World War II. On my finely calibrated Effrontery Scale, this is a couple of standard deviations beyond, say, vending Appomattox Ale from a taco truck in Charleston, South Carolina.
Friedman suggests alternate slogans; I recommend the note-perfect “Your Beauty Collaborator.”
A fine kettle of fish soup, guys.
Next Wednesday, an exhibit called Killer Heels opens at the Brooklyn Museum, and this is what we should expect:
Killer Heels explores fashion’s most provocative accessory. From the high platform chopines of sixteenth-century Italy to the glamorous stilettos on today’s runways and red carpets, the exhibition looks at the high-heeled shoe’s rich and varied history and its enduring place in our popular imagination.
So far, so good. Now to get right down to the real nitty-gritty:
As fashion statement, fetish object, instrument of power, and outlet of artistic expression for both the designer and the wearer, throughout the ages the high-heeled shoe has gone through many shifts in style and symbolism. Deadly sharp stilettos, architecturally inspired wedges and platforms, and a number of artfully crafted shoes that defy categorization are featured among the more than 160 historical and contemporary heels on loan from designers, from the renowned Brooklyn Museum costume collection housed at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and from the Bata Shoe Museum.
At least one of the shoes on exhibit defies not only categorization but recognition:
Guided by her 30 years of experience working with complex structural principles on all scale levels, [Zaha] Hadid has developed an innovative cantilevered system that allows the staggering 16cm (6.25 in) heel to appear completely unsupported.
The rhythmic, articulated transformation of the shoe’s composition encapsulates the seamless integration of materials, inventive engineering and highest standards of comfort. As Hadid’s most recent expression of this symbiotic association, the NOVA shoe design transcends the disciplines of fashion and architecture.
Now I’m just trying to imagine suitable accessories.
We are assured that this rock salt has not been in any way genetically modified:
Well, I feel better. Now if we can just get some more of that carbon-free sugar.
(Found by Jacqueline Passey Mason. Remember her?)
We’ve all seen people on television who couldn’t find their asses with both hands.
Imagine what it’s like when they can’t find a whole continent:
— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) July 24, 2014
Suggestion: Start at Russia and head west. Or don’t.
I guess this is how we find out:
— Gizmodo (@Gizmodo) July 18, 2014
Imagine whatever metamorphoses you’d like. I’m trying not to.
I found this ad on the Fark Politics tab, which I suppose makes sense, inasmuch as pretty much all public policy these days calls for spending money, and many of the recipients — not to mention many of the dispensers of said cash — are decidedly challenged by actual English:
Then again, I have to wonder what I’d been reading to be sent this particular ad in the first place.
So far as I can tell, this is serious:
— Joe Wertz (@joewertz) July 17, 2014
People are going to shart when they see that.
Conventional wisdom holds that you don’t turn away an online ad, because you might not get another. I wouldn’t have turned down this one, but …
— William Joyce (@dontcallmebill) June 30, 2014
And it’s not like nobody at the World has heard of Dong’s, which has been in business since 1946.
Meanwhile, just south of the Kansas border:
Please ring for assistance. The poor, unloved manager is out back eating them.
(Via John Fullbright.)
Every now and then I have to haul out the postal database — comes on a DVD nowadays — and I notice the standardizations: “Cove,” if a street descriptor, is cut back to “CV” (though “Glen Cove Drive” would be GLEN COVE DR), and things like FORT and SAINT are always spelled out.
John Pierce St. John was governor of Kansas from 1879 to 1883 — most noted for his prohibitionist stand against liquor and for welcoming and encouraging Exodusters, former slaves from the Deep South who were settling on the Kansas prairie.
As Stafford County’s boundaries were being organized in 1879, there was a county seat war between Stafford and Zion Valley. Residents in Zion Valley suggested to the new governor that if the county seat could be in their community, they’d be willing to change the name to St. John. So today St. John is Stafford County’s seat.
The name of the town is on everything as St. John — the local post office, the water tower, the newspaper and signs leading into the community.
Except for that post office computer thing.
There’s now a petition asking that the Postal Service fix its damn database already.
(Found on Matt Drachenberg’s Facebook page.)
In fairness, it should be pointed out that he’s not nailed to the perch:
Cue the Everly Brothers.
Under the circumstances, “windy” probably goes without saying:
Mama said there’d be days like this.
(Via Bad Newspaper. The paper in question is the News-Democrat & Leader of Russellville, Kentucky.)
So apparently there are Grammar Nazis, after all:
It really isn't that difficult to use correct spelling and grammar. Be professional and disciplined in everything that you do for the cause.
— American Nazi Party (@ANP14) May 31, 2014
Is trademark registration the next step?
Apparently it took place some time after 1900:
At one point I was discussing the uniforms of the Civil War when immediately two or three hands shot into the air. I was not giving a lecture and throughout the discussion we were doing give and take, to make sure the kids understood what I was presenting. I acknowledged one boy who stated in complete seriousness and with an earnestness and thirst for knowledge “I thought there was no color until the twentieth century. Weren’t the uniforms grey and black?” I looked at him in dumbfounded amazement and noticed several other kids nodding in agreement.
You gotta admit, though: Betsy Ross did one hell of a job on that greyscale flag.
At least, I’m pretty sure it does:
You may not have known this, but:
We exist as atomic ionization.
You and I are dreamweavers of the quantum matrix.
The galaxy is radiating ultra-sentient particles. Grace is the driver of faith. Nothing is impossible.
We must learn how to lead advanced lives in the face of dogma. It is time to take wonder to the next level. This quest never ends.
Humankind has nothing to lose. We are in the midst of a karmic condensing of wellbeing that will align us with the quantum matrix itself. Our conversations with other storytellers have led to a refining of ultra-internal consciousness.
The future will be a self-aware redefining of consciousness.
Rebirth is the healing of presence, and of us. Intuition requires exploration. By unfolding, we dream.
As you dream, you will enter into infinite understanding that transcends understanding. You will soon be reborn by a power deep within yourself — a power that is unrestricted, non-local. Through numerology, our hopes are baptized in growth.
Was this a random survey taken at the checkout counter of Buzzwords R Us? Well, not exactly. Seb Pearce explains:
“This all sounds like random sequences of buzzwords. I bet I could write code to generate it.” It seemed like not only a fun side project, but a great way to prove how easy it is to make hogwash that looks compelling. It might help show that it’s the language games and emotions that lure people into this stuff. I started scribbling down any words I could think of that evoked a feeling of bullshit: quantum, growth, matrix, path, potential, flowering…
And thus the New Age Bullshit Generator was born.
One click of the Generator, in fact, produced that entire first blockquote.
(Spotted in Charles Pergiel’s FB timeline.)
Lynn tuned into one of those ubiquitous Nature Shows — this one about Alaskan wildlife — and was perplexed by a statement of presumed certified meteorology:
At one point, talking about the approach of winter, the narrator said, in the usual This Is Seriously Dramatic voice, “The temperature can drop as much as 15 degrees in just a few weeks.” And yes, I’m sure we heard him right. He enunciated very well. He said 15, not 50. We were too stunned to laugh. Fifteen degrees in a few weeks? We do more than that in just one day. In fact, I’ve seen the temp drop 15 degrees in less than an hour. Perhaps he meant the high temperature or the low, or the average. If so he should have said that but still, even if that’s what he meant we can still top it here in Oklahoma. Take yesterday and today, for example. Yesterday’s high was somewhere around 70°F. This morning at 6:30 it was only 40°F. Today’s high is supposed to be 80°. I have no doubt it will get there. How about that Mr. Serious Drama Narrator?
Maybe he was on loan from Canada and was quoting Celsius, in which case we’re talking 27 degrees as we know them.
Then again, caribou probably don’t look at thermometers, so maybe the guy is referring to the overall average, and 15 degrees is a pretty fair drop. Over September, October and November in Oklahoma City, the average drops 34 degrees: about 11 each month, before things start to settle down (and “down” is the key word) in December and January.
And of course, there’s that infamous daily record, set 11 November 1911, with a high of 83 and a low of 17. (It dropped to 14 before sunrise on the 12th.) A sixty-nine-degree drop in 24 hours should impress even Serious Drama Narrators.
Personally, I wouldn’t have thought that these would have been much of a draw, but what do I know?
This store also carries crickets, rats, and bearded dragons.
(Via Bad Newspaper.)
I don’t think I’d trust this, even if “Jesus H. Christ” is written on the flyleaf in red:
— You had one job (@_youhadonejob) April 19, 2014
I heard St. Thomas the Apostle was putting one of these up on eBay.
A California-bound Southwest Airlines flight was diverted to Omaha, Neb. on Sunday after witnesses said a passenger tried to open a door.
The captain of the Chicago-to-Sacramento flight landed on Eppley Airfield to “have an unruly passenger removed” before continuing on to Sacramento, the airlines said in a statement.
The flight with 5 crew members and 134 passengers arrived safely at its destination about two hours behind schedule.
And where is this mysterious place called “Omaha”? Don’t ask CBS News:
(Via this Blake Waggoner tweet. Waggoner hails from, yes, Nebraska.)