Archive for Say What?

Meanwhile in Kiev

Actually, it was this guy.

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Darn siblings

This month’s Maxim contains some nifty pictures of Laura Vandervoort, an “uncensored” interview with Fozzie Bear (!), and this woeful letter from the recipient of a gift subscription:

Last year my brother, Jack, gave me one of the coolest presents ever, a one-year subscription to Maxim! I was so excited, but month after month passed and I never received it. Finally I wrote your customer service team. Turns out the USPS postman was sending them back as “undeliverable.” I confronted him and found out that my brother had bought the subscription for Jacks Littlebitch. The postman found this offensive and has delivered only one magazine and refuses to deliver anymore until the name is changed. And we wonder why the USPS is going bankrupt!

I figure this carrier has a lot of free time. On my block, I’m very likely the only person who gets both Maxim and Out, which generally show up on the same day, and I have yet to hear a word about it.

Maxim’s advice: “Tell him you’re French and that your name is actually Jack Litt-Lebitch and that this is discrimination!” Yeah, that’ll work.

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Yolavero

Or, “I will have only lived once.”

And in the time of that life, it perhaps would not have occurred to me that #yolo, the hashtag, might have been a first-conjugation Latin verb, until I saw this, which admittedly is not complete.

(Via Fark. Working title for this was “Yolare, oh, oh.”)

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You don’t mess around with Raj

Joe dials up customer service, and is not happy with what he hears:

The guy who answered was clearly Indian (subcontinent, not reservation). He told me his name was Jim. He had a very thick accent and I was instantly pissed off. Not because he was answering from India, but because he claimed his name was Jim. Had he told me to call him Ganesh, or Raj or Anoop, or even Dhruv, I would have been fine.

By my own highly unscientific estimate, about a third of our 20,000 or so local residents with Pacific Rim ancestry — we don’t really have a lot of Indian-type Indians — have sort-of-English-sounding first names, and nobody thinks anything about it. Then again, they’re here and not a couple of continents over.

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One of those “weird tricks”

You may even have heard this on the radio. Steve Blow of the Dallas Morning News certainly has:

It’s a simple ad. No music or special effects. Just an announcer talking. But he speaks with an urgency that grabs your attention:

“If you’re a baby boomer or a senior, please listen closely to this important message. Politicians in Washington are quietly plotting to decrease your Social Security payments drastically. And they want to do it soon.”

This is consistent with current Washington policy, which is to beggar the middle class, buy off the proles, and enrich the elites; but Social Security’s third-rail status tends to insulate it from the worst governmental ideas.

Also current Washington policy: the War of All Against All. From that same radio spot:

“In fact, despite rising prices at the gas pump, grocery store and doctor’s office, retirees have received a mere 1.3 percent annual increase to their Social Security checks. Meanwhile, food stamp recipients have seen their payouts increase over 30 percent under the Obama administration. That’s shocking.”

Which latter was part of the dubious “stimulus package,” long since expired; SNAP has since been trimmed back a bit. But that’s not what they came to tell you:

“So when we stumbled upon a weird trick that could add up to $1,000 to your monthly Social Security checks, we knew we had to share it with you. To get started, simply go to [link redacted].”

And if you go there?

If you go, you’ll discover this is just a come-on to get your credit card number for a trial subscription to financial newsletters. And those newsletters tout even more government freebies.

Of course, those terrible people in Washington can take away those freebies more easily than they can cut Social Security, but you’re not supposed to know that.

And if you’re supposed to resent all those freeloaders on food stamps, yet you send away for all this stuff to get your very own government cheese — well, what does that say about you?

(Via this Jeff Greenfield tweet.)

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It’ll never replace Preparation H

A Twitter account called @SochiMadness turned this up from somewhere:

Alleged Sochi menu

I don’t even want to know what flavor this is. (First person who says “Packed Fudge Ripple” goes to the back of the community toilet.)

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Sea shells? See shore

Modest aspirations, these, or maybe not:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I want to create a website for creating websites. like people can create website directly using that website?

Oh, he could probably do it, but I’d hate to see the documentation, which would inevitably read something like this:

Read the rest of this entry »

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You’re doing it wrong

Will Truman doesn’t remember asking for advice, but:

There was an older couple of ladies behind me in line at the supermarket making goo-goo eyes at the baby. When we were outside, one of them informed — not in those precise words — that I was handling the unloading process wrong.

My process is: Take the cart to the car, unload the groceries, return cart, take baby from cart and carry her with me back to the car.

Her order was: Put the baby in the car, start the car with the air conditioning or heater on, unload cart, and then return the cart.

When I was small enough to ride in the cart, there was no chance the parents would leave me in the car for more than a couple of seconds: I’d lunge for the controls. And there being nothing even close to child restraints in those days, I’d almost certainly reach them.

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Dead aim on the metatarsals

Apparently it is possible to shoot yourself in the foot while said foot is in your mouth:

The part that hurts, of course, is that someone had to buy that prefab decal, so there must be More Of Them out there.

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Not quite my idea of fun

But hey, I don’t work for E!, do I?

E! Fun Facts starring Michael J. Fox

This provoked a brief flurry of #EFunFacts tweets of similar hilarity.

(Via this Amanda Lucci tweet.)

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You will not drink it here or there

In fact, you will not drink it anywhere:

Sign posted in Marks & Spencer

Hardly seems worth buying, given those conditions.

(Via this Neil Killham tweet.)

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A label without appeal

Although its accuracy is difficult to question:

Safeway banana label

(Tweeted by @_youhadonejob.)

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Endorsed by Buster Friendly

This is, as Karen Geier tweets, a question for the ages:

Back cover of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Cindi Mayweather was not available for comment.

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They’re not very filling

Then again, I can’t imagine they have much in the way of calories:

Grapeless grapes

(Via Miss Cellania.)

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Down at the end of Cyanide Court

Those hardy souls up there in N’Hampsha can deal with anything — with the possible exception of French:

Since she opened her indoor skydiving business in 2006, SkyVenture co-owner Laurie Greer has been coping with an unexpected downside to her location in Nashua.

The business is on a small stretch of pavement off Daniel Webster Highway. Called Poisson Avenue, the roughly 500-foot-long road leads up to the edge of the Merrimack River.

It bears a fitting name, given the geography; “poisson” is the French word for fish. But Greer said people often make a different association, mistaking the street name for “Poison Avenue.”

In other news, there’s an indoor skydiving business in Nashua.

Ward 7 Alderman June Caron and Mayor Donnalee Lozeau are sponsoring legislation on behalf of the business to rename Poisson Avenue. They’re proposing “Adventure Way” as a replacement. Greer said the mayor suggested Adventure Way because it speaks to the type of experiences people have at her business.

I must point out that few experiences are quite as memorable as Poison.

(Via Fark.)

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It’s easy not being Green

For some reason known but to God, or to Jeff Bezos, who’s arguably the next step down from God, Amazon.com this past weekend posted a listing for John Green’s bestselling YA novel The Fault in Our Stars as being the work of one “Holt McDougal,” which is in fact the name of a textbook publisher.

Fans of Green jumped right in to praise the mysterious McDougal in the Amazon review section. Said one enthusiast: “In addition to writing your ordinary astronomy and calculus textbooks, he also dabbles in young adult fiction. He’s been wildly successful in both genres (can I say that his algebra 2 textbook was especially fascinating).” Green himself published several of the McDougal reviews on his Tumblr blog; Amazon finally got around to fixing the matter late today.

(Tweeted in my general direction by the lovely and talented Annemarie Dooling.)

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Developing north of Canada

The National Weather Service in the San Francisco Bay area is predicting something like this:

Imagine what they’d have to endure if there were an influx of Artic air in Febuary.

(Incidentally, whatever they get in and around the Bay is likely to be several times as bad here.)

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Quote of the week

What is this I don’t even — oh, okay, it’s a defense of the language used on the Internet, by Tia Baheri (as distinguished from “the language used on the Internet by Tia Baheri”):

[W]e’re taking a group of people who have insider knowledge of the English language (or at least a good grasp of it) and placing them in a new, unfamiliar, virtual space. This space introduces visual aids to language in the form of photos and gifs, the ability to comment on someone else’s text in a reblog and the ability to communicate a lot of information in very few words using hashtags. We also see the creation of tone in a toneless medium. In order to simulate conversational patterns in writing we SHOUT WHEN WE’RE SUPER EXCITED or *psssst whisper when we’re pretending to tell someone a secret while perfectly aware that anyone on the internet can read what we’re saying.* slash the coolest bit tho is that u can like ironically forgo all capitalization and punctuation just write in a weird speech pattern its ok everyone will still understand maybe it even helps read the text more quickly because nothing is interrupting the flow of words

In short, this dialect results when people who already share a language are given new tools. The result isn’t a butchering of English language but a creative experiment with it. Am I claiming that the Internet as a whole is operating on a level of postmodernism that would make Joseph Heller, Kurt Vonnegut and Thomas Pynchon seem like novices? maybe i am maybe im not u punk wut of it like who r u to tell me otherwise

I don’t always get a QOTW from Twitter, but when I do it’s from Nancy Friedman.

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Check out the boobs on that goose

It’s apparently something you see only in St. Louis County:

The Chesterfield [Missouri] City Council on Nov. 4 amended a city ordinance that outlaws feeding certain types of wild animals within city limits.

Under the amended ordinance, it is now illegal to feed all wild mammals, including pigeons and Canada Geese.

Brian J. asks: “Does the writer need remedial science courses or simply remedial writing courses?” Yes. Next question, please.

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Ermahgerd! Studernts!

Says so right here:

Cranberry School Geography Bee

The Cranbury School is located in Cranbury, New Jersey (Exit 8A), in case you need to brush up for the next Geograohy Bee.

(One of many inscrutable offerings at BadNewspaper.com.)

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OMG MOAR TXT IRL

This is surprising the first time, perhaps, but eventually you don’t notice it anymore:

During a short telephone conversation yesterday, the person on the other end didn’t say “oh my God”, they said OMG. I was amazed.

The time to worry is when they start spelling out OMGWTFBBQ.

Oh, and on the middle three of that no-no nonet:

“WTF” takes five whole syllables to say what the phrase it represents says in three.

Then again, you may be in a location where one of those letters represents something forbidden. I’m guessing it’s not the T.

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Flop-ed

The op-ed page in yesterday’s Oklahoman contained this excerpt:

Gleanings from the Oklahoman 11-6-13

Here’s the whole of that USA Today piece, from the original Instapundit link.

It occurs to me that Glenn Reynolds is probably the kind of guy who doesn’t much care what they say about him so long as they spell his name right.

Which, you’ll notice, they didn’t.

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Hollow praise

“A rather dull love-poem,” this is, although it possesses some wholly unexpected nuance:

Tell me, Eutresia, since my fate
And thy more powerfull Forme decrees
My heart an Immolation at thy Shrine,
. . .

Who is Eutresia? What is she? Who the heck knows?

In the “Notes on the Text” in the back of the book (516), [Peter] Davidson records that some manuscripts call the addressee “Eutresia”, at least one “Utrechia”. The note below the text reads: “1 Eutresia ‘Utrechia’ MS (Greek) ‘beautiful hair’”, which is a bit confusing: which name is supposed to mean “beautiful hair”? Could “Utrechia” be meant for “Eutrichia” or something similar?

“Eutresia,” however, means nothing of the sort:

I see no way to make that mean anything to do with hair. It would be a properly-formed Greek noun meaning “well-holedness”, the quality of being equipped with one or more excellent holes or orifices: not a name anyone this side of Lord Rochester, or Martial in one of his darker moods, would give to an enemy, much less a mistress. Neither “eutresia” nor for that matter “dystresia” is included in the OED, but “atresia”, “from Greek ἄτρητος not perforated”, is attested with the meaning “occlusion or closure of a natural channel of the body” since 1807. Biliary atresia is a common birth defect.

Rochester, who died at 33, possibly from a combination of STDs, might have had a passing familarity with holes, but let’s leave it at that.

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Now there’s a defense

Terry Simonson, on the local crime rate, in Urban Tulsa Weekly:

[A]t the end of the day, when you take out the drug killings, gang killings, alcohol-related killings and home invasion killings, for a city of almost 400,000 people, our homicide rate is one of the lowest in the nation.

Marion Barry called, and he wants his assessment back:

Outside of the killings, DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

(Via Michael Bates’ Facebook page.)

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This year’s war-crimes accessory

I have no idea where Joseph Kony is — somewhere in central Africa, I’m guessing — but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t expecting a fashion shout-out:

Holds two gas masks in contrasting colors.

(Via Tanisha Taitt’s Facebook page.)

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Smithers, inundate them

In response to an actual Freedom of Information Act request, the Federal Communications Commission has released a boxful of complaints received from (presumably) former viewers of The Simpsons during the past three years.

This one, I suspect, might be somewhere near the median:

My complaint is an over all view of how the use of bad language, and nudity, have just been allowed to creep in. There are so many shows that allow this, it is hard to define them all. My question is what is wrong with the FCC? Do you allow your children to watch this kind of show? It is on at all times, and is spreading such an allowance message that there is no standard of decency anymore. Please pay more close attention to these low character type of shows. The damage is being done, and America will pay the consequences. I am 62 yrs. old, and know there doesn’t have to be such lanquage as this to have a good show. I really can’t believe how you have allowed the standards you are to supposed to uphold, fall so drastically. Thanks for listening.

Now is this why no one’s watching television anymore? I have my doubts.

Despite its lack of Simpsons-specific content, this one must be quoted for sheer amusement value:

a commercial for shick razor blades came on during the simpsons.in it the show a young girl in her underwear with her legs propped open so there is a crotch shot done on a female in her barley covered vagina WHICH IS VERY LEWD,DISGUSTING AND PORNOGRAPHIC!the camera focused on her barely covered vaginal area for a while and that part of the shick commercial had nothing to do with razors and will not sell any more razors for schick. we are tired of all the female nudity allowed on t.v. all of the time when female nudity is publically aired on tv it is never a mistake because you never see any male nudity on tv!IF THE MALE PENIS AND MALE NUDITY AND THE MALE PENIAL AREA CAN NEVER BE SHOWN ON NON-CABLE TV THEN WOMEN’S VAGINAS&WOMEN NUDITY& WOMEN VAGINAL AREAS SHOULD NEVER BE AIRED ON NON-CABLE TV AT ANY TIME AT ALL NEVER NO MATTER HOW MANY BRIBES THE FCC IS TAKING IN ORDER TO ALLOW FEMALE NUDITY,FEMALE CROTCH SHOTS AND FEMALE VAGINAL AREAS TO BE AIRED ON NON-CABLE TV!

You’d think beer commercials would be the proper venue for a “barley covered vagina.” Maybe.

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Thirty points for sure

The generic name — tofacitinib — is not exactly euphonious either. But Xeljanz? Huh? Nancy Friedman? Anyone?

Oh, and Pfizer thinks highly of this stuff: it’s two grand a month. Wholesale. No credit for knowing that the pill was originally developed by a guy from the National Institutes of Health.

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Some Brazilian fellow, I suppose

There is yard work, and there is, um, yard work:

Bikini-line trim advertisement

(From Bad Newspaper, which used to be Criggo.com.)

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The phone has been doubled

I spotted this on Derpibooru, tagged “Seems Legit,” and went hunting.

Nokia phone promotion

And the following turned up at Windows Phone Central, supposedly in an email to a forum poster:

I’m getting highlights for the upcoming Nokia Press Conference:

1. The Nokia Tablet will named “Nokia Harmonia” and it’s powered by Windows 8.1.

2. The Nokia Lumia Phablet and it’s powered by Windows Phone 8 GDR3.

Why the Nokia Phablet still part of Nokia Lumia series? it’s because of Nokia Lumia 625.

3. (For the brony fans.) It will unveil the MLP:FiM Season 4 Nokia Exclusive Trailer showing Nightmare Moon Returns.

4. Your favorite apps such as Instagram, Vine and My Little Pony will coming to Windows Phone.

5. Nokia Lumia 1020 will promote MLP:FiM Season 4.

Guess whose wireless contract just ran out?

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Wronger wrongness

It would be difficult, I think, to get much wronger than this:

Jonathan Weil miscredited

This photo was duly pasted into a reprint from Bloomberg News: however, the article is credited to Jonathan Weil, and it’s pretty obviously Weil, not Virginia Postrel, in the picture.

I’m hearing laughter in the background:

I should say not.

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