Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

At least he didn’t share it

File this under “Unclear on the concept”:

A Montana man was arrested last month after he apparently “liked” his most wanted poster on a Crimestoppers Facebook page.

Levi Charles Reardon was arrested April 24 after he liked his photo on the Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, according to the Great Falls Tribune. The newspaper reportedly captured a screenshot of it before Reardon revoked the like.

Something like this, in fact:

Cascade County Crimestoppers screenshot

Reardon, 23, who is accused of felony forgery after he allegedly stole a wallet and cashed forged checks, was then apprehended by police without incident, the newspaper reported.

I’m just trying to imagine the facepalm he did after realizing he’d just Liked his own mug shot.

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Take a bow

And shove it into the guy’s eyeball:

She was expecting the cleaning lady. Instead, the tourist opened the door of her Midtown hotel room to a stark-naked 6-foot, 200-pound man lunging for her neck.

“I opened the door and there was this humongous stranger and I froze. I thought, ‘I don’t see this person.’ I slammed the door and he pushed his way into the room,” said the North Carolina woman who was nearly choked to death at the Hudson Hotel in March.

“He pushed me into the closet, he put his hand over my mouth and he tried to smother me and I bit him,” said the victim, 64, who asked not to be named, said Friday.

Her bite did nothing to repel her attacker, renowned German violinist Stefan Arzberger, 42, who was charged with attempted murder Thursday.

From the Department of Unmitigated Gall:

Arzberger, who claims he was drugged by a hooker he brought to his room, will ask a judge on Monday to have his passport returned so that he can continue his performance tour in Europe and Asia.

For the moment, he’s out on $100,000 bail.

(Via Margo Howard.)

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Go block thyself

The ringer’s turned off, but I hear the telltale click of the call-screening device, and I glance over at the Caller ID screen.

And there’s my name and number.

This happened yesterday, fourish. After the instinctive WTF? (wouldn’t you?), I waited to see if I they left a message, which I they didn’t, and then looked to see if this was happening to anyone else. And of course it is:

The phone rings and when you look at the caller ID you see something very strange—it’s showing your telephone number. Chances are your phone number is being “spoofed” by a scammer.

“This is just the latest tactic being used by illegal telemarketers,” said Robert Siciliano, fraud expert with BestIDTheftCompanys.com. “They hope that if you see your own number displayed on the caller ID, your curiosity will get you to pick up the phone.”

In other news, there’s a site called BestIDTheftCompanys.com.

But this seemed too simplistic, so I dropped a little farther down the page, and found this:

A phone fraudster might also do this hoping to beat the new call-screening services now being used by millions of people. These services … rely on blacklists of known robocallers and illegal telemarketers to help block unwanted calls.

“A person’s own phone number is not likely to be on the blacklist, so these telemarketers hope to beat the filtering software by spoofing that number,” said Bikram Bandy, head of the Do Not Call program at the Federal Trade Commission. “Fighting illegal telemarketing calls is a cat and mouse game and these telemarketers aren’t giving up easily. We didn’t think they would.”

You can’t tell me that people wouldn’t pay a hundred bucks to see a telemarketer disemboweled live on pay-per-view.

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Forged from the cheapest available bits

Bring on the asteroid, the planet is through:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I create a fake email conversation?

By that she means this:

My English teacher wasnt going to accept my project after a certain date and long story short, I fell asleep typing it and wasn’t able to turn it in that night. So the next day I woke up early and finished it, printed it off and turned it in and told her I tried to email it to her, but my internet wasn’t working so I had to print it. She told me for her to be able to put the grade in she would need to see proof I tried to send it that night, but I didn’t send it. How do I create a fake email to make it look like I sent my project on the specific date?

You’ll need a time machine, because otherwise the message headers will give you away. We’ve had customers at work who tried to pull that sort of stunt, and it never, ever succeeded.

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Sticking point

Manual transmissions used to be promoted as ways to save gas. In these days of smarter and stingier automatics, perhaps they should be promoted as ways to save your ass:

A South Carolina kidnapper — wanted in Horry County on child cruelty charges — grabbed a woman at gunpoint, put her in the trunk of her car, but then could not drive because he didn’t know how to shift a manual transmission, officials say.

The 53-year-old woman managed to escape from the trunk early Tuesday after using a latch inside and then flagged down authorities.

The Sumter County Sheriff’s Office has arrested 27-year-old Demetric Jerod Nelson, a Sumter man accused of kidnapping and robbing the woman at gunpoint early Tuesday morning, officials with the sheriff’s office said.

This sounds like a pretty good argument for the Ford Focus RS, a variation on the staid compact that sports well over 300 hp — and which, when it arrives next year, will come only with a stick.

Addendum, 23 April: Joe Sherlock reports:

Up until 1988, my plastics manufacturing company had only one forklift truck, a 1955 Hyster, which had a three-on-the-tree manual transmission. Several of our younger employees could not drive it because they didn’t know how to work the clutch and shift levers. We referred to them as Automatic Babies.

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Go with the name you know

There’s a lot to be said, I suppose, for personal branding, but this isn’t it [warning: autostart video]:

A man said he accidentally shot himself when a gun he bought on the street jammed.

Police met up with the 36-year-old after he showed up at Miami Valley Hospital Saturday afternoon, according to the Dayton police report.

He was treated for a gunshot wound to his upper left arm. He told police it happened in a creek area off Norris Drive, according to the report.

The man reported he went there to test fire a gun he had bought from a man named “Crack Head Dave,” according to the report.

Does Dave stand behind his products? I’m betting he sure as hell doesn’t stand in front of them.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

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The quality of trollage is very strained

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why am I cursed?

Now what kind of horrible life experience is this individual having to endure?

It’s bad enough that I was born into a middle class family, and have an average size penis, but I never get what I want. I never get the pretty girl, or will be rich. I feel like all I do is fight for the scraps in life, like a *****-ing dog. Meanwhile people like Jay z is living my dreams. I want a hooker like Beyoncé or a model like Tom Brady’s wife. I want riches and power, and a large penis. Why must God bless some and leave the rest of us out in the cold looking through the windows of the rich. I held my phone up to the sky and said God let my phone ring with some good news and nothing happened.

This is why it’s a good thing I’m not God: I’d have hit the sorry bastard with a lightning bolt.

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Welcome to karma

It was all I could do to keep from spewing BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! all over the answer box:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Downloaded the golf club off of piratebay.sx and it was a codex if thats any help but when i open the game it opens the steam store?

Thieves complaining about the merchandise they stole. Sheesh.

As we say in CL: CALL CURLIB/GALL *MITIGATE=NO.

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Setting a fine example

Someone else is pleased to tell us we’re in deep doo-doo:

Billionaire Jeff Greene, who amassed a multibillion dollar fortune betting against subprime mortgage securities, says the U.S. faces a jobs crisis that will cause social unrest and radical politics.

“America’s lifestyle expectations are far too high and need to be adjusted so we have less things and a smaller, better existence,” Greene said in an interview [Wednesday] at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. “We need to reinvent our whole system of life.”

And by “we,” he means “you,” but not himself or the other jerks in the Davos circle:

Greene, who flew his wife, children and two nannies on a private jet plane to Davos for the week, said he’s planning a conference in Palm Beach, Florida, at the Tideline Hotel called “Closing the Gap.”

Perhaps “Closing the Yap” would be more apropos.

(Via Lachlan Markay.)

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Improper use of force

The Thin Blue Line gets thinner, but better:

The Oklahoma City Police Department has fired an officer accused of rape and other misconduct last year.

Daniel Holtzclaw was arrested in 2014 in the parking lot of Gold’s Gym in northwest Oklahoma City… Police say Holtzclaw stopped women, threatened them and made them expose themselves and perform sexual acts. He pleaded not guilty to 36 counts of sexual assault.

An example:

One alleged victim was a 44-year-old woman who says Holtzclaw pulled up next to her, found a crack pipe, and told her “you know you could go to jail.” She says Holtzclaw then forced her to perform oral sex.

The Department has made public the letter dismissing Holtzclaw [pdf], which contains this statement by Chief Bill Citty:

Your offenses against women in this community constitute the greatest abuse of police authority I have witnessed in my 37 years as a member of this agency.

Words unminced.

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Get this guy into a covered wagon

And then sew up the cover so he can’t escape easily:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does an impala 2011 need a lift kit for 24s?

He compounds the atrocity:

24 inch rims on my 2011 impala with no lift or cutting ? Is it possible

Now you know my particular bias: I think anyone who calls ’em “rims” ought to be buried clavicle-deep in the Alaskan tundra. But one of the answerers dealt this guy a solid, good enough to pass along here:

No, it just needs a hefty dose of good taste and some common sense to realize that even if it could be done, DOING THAT IS RETARDED. Why on Earth would you RUIN the ride comfort, resale value, handling, durability, gas mileage, and acceleration??? Take the drug money you would have spent on the dum-dum wagon wheels and set fire to it so you’re not tempted.

I don’t think I could have said it better myself.

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Unlicensed inspector

A couple years ago, a friend of mine went to a nude beach for the first time. She thought it was wonderful, though she suspected one chap a few yards down the beach of being something of a perv.

In fact, the clothing-free community is not overly fond of pervs, or visiting pervs anyway:

Angry nudists chased down and surrounded a man they believed was secretly filming them in a naked citizens’ arrest at Adelaide’s Maslin Beach.

Police were called to the iconic nudist beach, south of Adelaide, after naked beachgoers chased down the man who was allegedly using a hidden camera concealed inside a blue esky.

George, who has been bathing unclad at Maslin Beach for the past eight years, said he was hanging out with friends on Sunday, December 21, when they noticed the man positioning his esky towards a couple.

“A couple of my friends noticed this guy rearranging his esky and one of them said ‘are there holes in the esky’ … one woman walked past and saw a video camera set up inside,” he said. “It had this wooden setup inside where he could put this little handicam and it had three or four holes where he could position this wooden frame and put the camera inside to line up with the hole.”

Now that’s pervy. Pervacious, even. (An esky, a genericized Australian brand, is one of those large rectangular picnic coolers.)

What could this fellow be wanting? To George, it was at least somewhat obvious:

“A few people have seen him before and one couple said that he had been known to upload film to a website, so it’s not just for his personal use apparently,” he said. “It’s on a website that you need a credit card to access — I’m not going to pay $30 just to see if my own arse is on there.”

Police paid the man a visit, but were unable to determine whether he was in fact photographing nudists, and let him go with a warning.

(Via Nudiarist.)

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Less-competent thieves

Um, yeah:

And now, so does the whole world.

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Two steps below the script kiddie

Is there a good reason why this guy shouldn’t be taken out behind the woodshed and put out of his misery?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: So I am pinging an IP Address but it seems like the site won't crash

Get this:

I am pinging a website to crash it, not a big website. But a small one. I opened 4 CMD windows using a batch file then sent a ping request like this: ping [IP ADDRESS] -t -l 65500

It is sending and responding. It has been 15 minutes and it seems to me like the site has not crashed yet. It is working fine with the same speed. The time ranges between 64ms and 167ms, and it is very random. Do I have to wait longer, can someone teach me another way to crash this website (my friends website). How long will it take, Help! Lol!

A ping constitutes a whole 32 bytes; it’s going to take a whole lot more than 2,620,000 pings (8.3 MB) to bring down his soon-to-be-ex-friend’s website.

I suggest we dig up his IP address and turn it over to the North Koreans.

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How could they have known?

Texas Congressman Blake Farenthold is being sued by a former staffer:

A fired communications director for Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-Tex.) is suing the congressman’s office for creating an uncomfortable work environment, including allegations that he made sexual comments to and about her.

Lauren Greene, who worked for Farenthold from February 2013 through her termination in July 2014, cited a number of grievances in a lawsuit filed with the U.S. District Court here on Friday.

In her complaint, Greene alleges that Farenthold “regularly drank to excess, and because of his tendency to flirt, the staffers who accompanied him to Capitol Hill functions would joke that they had to be on ‘red head patrol’ to keep him out of trouble.”

Farenthold, 53, represents District 27, in and around Corpus Christi. This is not the first time eyebrows have been raised at the mention of his name: in 2010, Farenthold was photographed in “ducky pajamas” in the presence of some scantily-clad females, and more recently someone noticed that he owns the domain blow-me.org.

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Avoid this dude at all cost

Because he’s not paying attention to where he’s going:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What color is the wire coming from the radio in a 2013 GMC Sierra Denali for the parking brake bypass?

Why would anyone want to know this, you ask?

Trying to do a bypass so I can watch dvd while driving

Look around for a bridge abutment with a GMC nosepiece embedded about, oh, this deep.

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There once were some self-righteous asshats

A young woman wrote a satirical limerick about Michael Brown, at least slightly tasteless and definitely weak in the scansion department. Unsurprisingly, some people found something wrong with that, and are threatening her because hey, social justice, otherwise known as “Freedom for me, but not for thee.”

The only truly satisfactory solution to this would be for the whole sorry lot of them to be rocketed into the Sun, though I suspect the Sun would complain briefly along the lines of “Well, there goes the neighborhood.”

Reminder: Social justice is to justice what social disease is to disease.

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Among my souvenirs

I have lots of inexplicable stuff, but nothing in this league, to be sure:

An iron gate with the infamous sign “Arbeit macht frei” (“Work will set you free”) at the former Nazi concentration camp at Dachau in Bavaria has been stolen, police said [last] Sunday.

The theft of the historic wrought iron gate, which measures two metres by one metre, apparently happened overnight, police said in a statement.

The site has no surveillance system, but is monitored by security guards and the theft apparently took place between their rounds of the camp, said police, who have appealed for any possible witnesses.

Police are now offering a €3000 reward for information leading to the capture of the thieves, and Frau Bundeskanzlerin has weighed in:

Chancellor Angela Merkel called on Tuesday for thieves of a gate to the former Nazi concentration camp at Dachau to be swiftly brought to justice, as she received an award from Holocaust survivors… “All the more appalling… are acts like the theft of the gate of this concentration camp memorial,” she said. “I hope that those who did that are caught quickly and held to account.”

Unnamed neo-Nazis seem to be on the police list of Expected Perps.

(Via Interested-Participant.)

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Meanwhile on a cold and grey Chicago morn

Low — but not unprecedented — aspirations:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I become a drug dealer?

There is, of course, a motivation for this:

Im ******* sick and tired of being dirt poor, how do I sell drugs? IM NOT ASKING THIS FOR YOU TO TELL ME NOT TO, IM VERY AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF SELLING DRUGS. AND THIS IS MY ******* CHOICE. So please take your scared of the police and getting into trouble, BULLSHIT elsewhere, unless you have some USEFUL ******* advice for ****’s sake.

Hey, it’s your funeral, pal. Amateurs don’t stand a chance against the pros.

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Special snowflake alert

Once they start getting into “rights,” my eyes glaze over:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Do I have the right to play music out loud in my dorm?

Justification offered:

I like to play music out loud in my dorm,but my roomate say its annoying and noisy,and he want me to put on earphones.What i always play are my favorate songs, definitely not noise,and i always play them when he is not sleeping,how can that annoy him?Everyone knows listening music through earphones is bad for hearing ability,how dare he ask me to do that?

I think what he has done is a violation to my right! But he deny my right!

Evidently someone has denied him access to a Remedial English class.

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So come around already

Sometimes you wonder if karma is really keeping up:

A convicted rapist who won almost £5 million on the Lottery is planning to build a 30-bedroom hotel next to one of Britain’s busiest motorways.

Edward Putman, 47, who was jailed for breaking into a house and twice raping a 17-year-old girl, submitted an official planning notice for a budget motel at the site in Kings Langley, Hertfordshire.

His plans, which were refused by Three Rivers Council last month, include demolishing the £600,000 house and outbuildings he bought with his lottery winnings and converting them into a hotel off the M25.

This is not to say, mind you, that his newfound wealth has made him a Better Man. Quite the contrary:

He had intended to keep his win a secret by requesting anonymity from National Lottery operators Camelot, who were unaware of his previous convictions.

But his past came to light when it was revealed that he had carried on claiming £15,000 in income support and housing benefits following the win… He admitted two counts of benefit fraud and was sentenced to nine months in prison in 2012.

The Fark headline on this story: “You know what’s worse than a convicted sex offender who just won $10 million in the lottery? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

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Yesterday was Hump Day

And as always, there was some joker taking it too literally:

A Florida man today took a stuffed animal off a Walmart shelf and then used the toy to masturbate before returning the ejaculate-covered item to a store shelf, police report.

The repulsive episode occurred around 3 PM at a Walmart in Brooksville, a city 50 miles north of Tampa.

According to a police report, Sean Johnson, 19, “selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department.” He then went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, “proceeded to pull out his genitals,” and “proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements.” The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras.

The jerkoff was released after posting $1500 bond. I do hope he wasn’t carrying cash.

(Via Consumerist. Yesterday was also Applejack Appreciation Day, but don’t even think it.)

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My little taggers

Did you see any graffiti in Ponyville? In Canterlot? In Manehattan, for Luna’s sake? So why would you want to see it in Butte, Montana?

Someone tagged a Butte neighborhood with not only the names but the words “My Little Pony.”

It’s unknown at this time if it’s a gang of tweens or a group of “Bronies,” adult men who love the cartoon and toys.

Given the vast quantity of hatred for bronies out there, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that this was the work of self-described brony enemies, trying to embarrass (or worse) the local pony fans.

Police received reports starting Saturday morning of the cartoon names scrawled on a vehicle, fences and garage doors. The majority of graffiti was found on Keokuk and Hancock streets. About six sites were hit.

The monetary damage will depend if the black and white spray paint washes off, police said.

Well, there you go. A genuine fan of My Little Pony would have come up with show-accurate colors for each and every mention.

(Michelle Malkin saw this before I did.)

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Quote of the week

Most of us, at one time or another, will encounter someone who is Clearly Inferior, and we won’t say a word because, well, we’re just not that way.

Which is a shame, because being that way leaves open the possibility of a denunciation like this:

Let me tell you why. I’m not in WalMars wearing what looks like a drag-queen’s best curtains turned into yoga pants and basted with neon. I’m not testing the tensile strength of those pants by sausaging a 10 pound rump roast into a 2 pound sack. I’m not wearing a t-shirt with what I can only imagine are strategically placed holes designed to let all eligible males know you are open for business and your nipples, even though they’re at approximate knee level, are fantastic as far as you and your pimp go. I don’t smell like I rolled in a puddle made of wet dog and Old Thunderholt and then sprinkled my seven-acre cleavage with glitter and cheap cigarillo ashes. I speak normal, understandable English. I haven’t spent my entire net worth on acrylic talons the length of Godzilla’s dick so I have to try to con the cashier into letting me get my generic cigarettes on the food stamp card. But you know the main reason, the absolute main reason I’m better than you?

I’m not you. Put that in your crack pipe, which I see sticking out of your oversized, stuffed with thongs you just shoplifted, purse, and smoke it.

Invertebrates like me will simply shop somewhere else and pay the extra $6.19 a week.

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You can’t spell “crisis” without ISIS

The Pergelator response to last week’s coverage of an anti-ISIS demonstration in Oklahoma City:

This is very nice, but it’s not what we’re really looking for. Being blood-thirsty American Imperialist running-dogs (to use our full third world title), we want to hear something more like “DEATH TO ISIS” or “KILL ALL THE JIHADISTS”. Oh wait, that’s kind of what being a Jihadist is all about isn’t it? How do you tell the good Jihadists from the bad Jihadists? Especially when the only good Jihadist is a dead one? So I can sort of see why they went with their milder slogan.

Wasn’t “imperialist running dogs” more of a Maoist sort of denunciation? Although I can see why jihadi might like it, given their avowed dislike of canines, running or otherwise.

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Who moved my infected cheese?

You know, if they’re going to eat it themselves, it’s no loss to anyone. But just in case:

Investigators in Liechtenstein are probing the theft of 1.3 tonnes of cheese that was set to be destroyed because it contained dangerous bacteria, according to a report from the Swiss news agency ATS.

The country’s food inspection office is concerned the bad cheese will be sold either directly or indirectly, posing a health risk to anyone who consumes it, ATS reported on Tuesday.

And this is seriously bad cheese:

The problem is the “Alp Sücka” cheese was found to be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, a bacterium that causes listeriosis, a potentially deadly infection.

Word to all you sückahs in the Alps: steer clear of this Deadly Cheese.

(Via Consumerist.)

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Off to reform school with you

You may have heard the term “special snowflake” before. Here’s a particularly flaky example:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Parents won't buy me a nice car?

Speaking for the defense:

First, I am “spoiled” but if you’re going to comment that I am you’re wasting your time because believe me, I know I am.

Okay so I drive a 15 year old POS that doesn’t even start all the time. It’s a crappy Nissan SUV that’s in an ugly girly color. The inside is crappy and I feel embarrassed driving my gf or even my friends in there because it is so filthy. It’s almost disrespectful to my passengers and I try to clean it but you can’t get out decade old stains and smells. At my HS, kids drive NEW BMW 4 series coupes, Mercedes Benz, even Porsches I know 4 girls who drive 911s. Like everyone in my town, including my family, is very wealthy. We live in the wealthiest county in Florida. Kids get dropped off at school in Teslas, limos, and their nanny’s range rovers. And I don’t get why my parents can’t just buy me a 15k BMW!? Like my wrist watch is probably worth more than my car. It is so frustrating. My best friend drives a new Mercedes c250 and my other friend has a 2012 5 series. It is just annoying af and I feel self conscious because they have plenty of money to buy me a used car. That would be like your parents saying they don’t have $2 for a vending machine water when they obviously do. I have a job, but it’s an internship at a real estate office and there’s no way in hell I can afford a car making minimum wage. What should I do

This is how your parents got rich: not buying you crap.

Only one question left: does he run for Congress in ’26, or wait until ’28?

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You may work with someone like this

Or one very much like him, because there are a heck of a lot of guys like this:

30 years ago, I was in my boss’ office talking shop with him. The door was open, and it was the day annual reviews were implemented and raises first showed up on paychecks.

One young lower-level manager, upset with the size of his increase, stormed into the office, ignoring me, slapped his paycheck down on the boss’ desk, and exclaimed, “This is an insult! When are you going to pay me what I’m worth?”

Without batting an eye, the boss slid his check back over towards the young chap and said, “I’d love to, son, but there is the minimum wage law to consider.”

In fact, I’ve seen some people who should have been billed for the work they did.

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The latest whiz kids

I admit to a certain difficulty trying to determine a motive here:

Imagine going to Walmart only to find that what you need is off the shelf. Not because it’s out of stock, but because it’s been soaked with doe urine.

Arrest and booking reports show that the damage amounted to more than $2,500.

I mean, who carries this stuff around? Besides deer, I mean, and they get rid of it as quickly as they can.

Police said Cody Hudson, 18, and Jon Ohlman, 24, sprayed doe urine on toys, fabrics and shoes inside the Walmart near East 96th Street North and Highway 169 in Owasso.

I’m guessing the culprits, nabbed right across the street, were not exactly fawned over.

(Via Consumerist.)

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That’s right, you bad

There are times when you just can’t resist rubbing it in:

A 40-year-old woman tackled a 20-year-old man fleeing from police in Washington state, then taunted him about being taken down by a grandmother.

Richland police Capt. Mike Cobb tells the Tri-City Herald that Becky Powell was driving by Wednesday when she saw the man run from officers. She told her husband to speed ahead of the fleeing man, and got out to confront him.

Powell says the man tried to stiff-arm her, but she felled him, pulling down his shorts in the process.

She says she got help pinning the man down and asked him how it felt to be taken down by a mother of five and a grandmother of three.

An officer on the scene gave Powell a high-five, but higher-ups later issued the usual “Don’t help us” warning: “We appreciate the assistance, but we don’t want to have people get involved because they can get hurt.”

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