Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

That’s right, you bad

There are times when you just can’t resist rubbing it in:

A 40-year-old woman tackled a 20-year-old man fleeing from police in Washington state, then taunted him about being taken down by a grandmother.

Richland police Capt. Mike Cobb tells the Tri-City Herald that Becky Powell was driving by Wednesday when she saw the man run from officers. She told her husband to speed ahead of the fleeing man, and got out to confront him.

Powell says the man tried to stiff-arm her, but she felled him, pulling down his shorts in the process.

She says she got help pinning the man down and asked him how it felt to be taken down by a mother of five and a grandmother of three.

An officer on the scene gave Powell a high-five, but higher-ups later issued the usual “Don’t help us” warning: “We appreciate the assistance, but we don’t want to have people get involved because they can get hurt.”

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Lose that boy

Don’t wait for it to happen on its own, either:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: He's going to die, help?

Taste considerations require this go below the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

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There’s thieves among us

Sometimes they even admit it:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If you cheat a little at the grocery self-checkout are you a bad person?

Definition of “a little”:

There were some really nice Braeburn apples but they were $3.99/lb, I refuse to pay more than $1.99/lb for any fruit except berries. So at the self-checkout I punched the button for Red Delicious apples which are $1.69. Am I a horrible person or does pretty much everyone cheat once in a while?

No, you’re a horrible person. And a couple of years from now, when you’re whining about waiting tables and being stiffed on a tip, you might want to remember this little incident.

(Title via She & Him.)

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Personal logiene

Never let it be said that karma is a drab, dull, dispassionate sort of dispensation:

The 2009 “underpants bomb” plot failed because the terrorist had been wearing his explosive-laden undergarments for more than two weeks and soiled the explosives, a senior US official said.

Umar Abdulmutallab sent shockwaves through US intelligence when he successfully smuggled a bomb onto a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas day three years ago. The British-educated Nigerian was able to light the bomb but it failed to explode, causing minor burns to the would-be bomber but sparing his fellow passengers.

John Pistole, the head of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), said on Thursday that the bomb did not detonate because Abdulmutallab had been wearing the same underwear for more than two weeks.

I am deeply impressed that Mr Pistole managed to say this without actual giggle fits:

Asked by his interviewer whether the bomb’s fuse had become “damp” from two weeks of wear, Mr Pistole said: “Let’s say it was degraded. We’re getting kind of personal now.”

Umar must be one of those “moderates” we’ve been hearing so much about.

(Via Tim Blair.)

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And yet he still breathes

File this under Unmitigatable Gall:

A man who’s in jail for several robberies including an attempted robbery at a pizza restaurant in Delaware is now suing police and several employees of that eatery for $260,000, claiming they were unnecessarily rough in subduing him.

Back in 2010, the then 19-year-old man forced his way into the restaurant through the back door with a gun. Several employees tussled with him as they tried to get the gun away from him, tackling him to the ground, reports The News Journal (warning: link has video that autoplays).

Punchline’s on the way, don’t worry.

According to his lawsuit, after he displayed a gun and a delivery driver handed him $140, he started to make his way forward into the restaurant. Another worker grabbed him from behind while someone else wrested the gun from him, which is when it went off.

“That is when the assault began,” he says in the lawsuit. “All of the [redacted] employees participated in punching, kicking and pouring hot soup over my body. I was unarmed and defenseless and had to suffer a brutal beating by all of the employees.”

“Unarmed and defenseless,” says the guy who brought a gun with him and couldn’t keep it. Then again, after pleading guilty, he also said this:

Shortly after entering his plea, [he] attempted to withdraw it claiming in a motion that he had not taken his medication that day… he should be allowed to take back his plea because, “I’m not good at making good choices.”

Dear Mr. Darwin: Couldn’t you have somehow contrived to have this bozo “accidentally” fall into a pizza oven?

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High on the Sphincter Scale

First, the question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does ratemyprofessor.com give out your exact address?

Then, the excuses:

Okay, I know it was rude but I called my professor lazy. And there isn’t an excuse for it. I know, okay? I feel bad about it. My sister has has had cancer for three years and we just found out last week that the cancer is stage 4, metastatic, and spread to her brain, liver, and lungs.

I was so mad at the world last week and I was frustrated because we have two weeks left of class and the professor still didn’t tell us our grades, so I posted on ratemyprofessors a review and I said he’s lazy, and don’t take him. That’s honestly the only thing I said.

Then in class, the professor told us all he was hurt by it, and even the website deleted it because it was “so mean”. Then he gave us back our midterm, and I was the only one who didn’t get mine back? He said he left it with the other class’s stack. I’m pretty sure he knows it was me, but how? I don’t have a username on the website, I reviewed as a guest, and I only said one sentence.

So my question is, did the website violate my Constitutional rights by giving out my IP address and location to a professor? The Constitution states that everyone has the right to free speech without the use of “fight words”. I’m pretty sure calling someone else “lazy” isn’t a fight word, or else hundreds of millions of people would be in jail right now.

I’m thinking that this individual got shitty grades; if she thinks that that’s what the Constitution says, it’s a safe bet her mastery of the subject she’s studying is just as questionable, if not more so.

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Everyone’s a critic

Peter Grant, aka Bayou Renaissance Man, has written five books — the Maxwell Saga trilogy, the first book of the Laredo Wars series, and a memoir of his days as a prison chaplain. This puts him at least four point something up on the likes of, well, me. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post a review, but whatever the circumstances, I shouldn’t post a review as shoddy as this:

Comparing this atrocity to the work of Heinlien [sic] is like comparing festering garbage to a meal at a Michelin Star restaurant.

Without a doubt, the worst book I have ever attempted to read. The narrative has all the skill of a seventh grader writing about their summer vacation. I am offended that anyone had the gall to charge actual money for this pig slop. It was so wretched that I gave up on it after the second chapter. Do yourself a gargantuan favor and do not buy this trash masquerading as literature.

Grant, for his part, found it amusing:

I have a pretty good idea who wrote that review. If I (and others) are right, it’s someone who’s been identified as a troll by several other authors of my acquaintance, some of whom instantly remarked (when they learned about the review) that it has all the hallmarks of his grammar, vocabulary and phraseology. I don’t know for sure, but I thought most of you would find it as entertaining as I did.

I’ve always had this weird idea that if you’re going to act superior to someone, at some point you need to demonstrate some capacity for superiority. The troll isn’t born who could actually do that.

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Because cradles were designed to be robbed

“Nabo-who?” asked a puzzled Twilight Sparkle:

“Vladimir Nabokov. Human writer from the last century. Best known for a smug little tale of foalcon.” He coughed on that last word. “Bastard was probably in love with her, too.”

“Underage filly?”

“Let’s just say she wasn’t on her way to earning her cutie mark, and leave it at that.”

That may have been the whole point for that bastard Humbert, who’d managed to convince himself — and maybe the girl — that there was something sweet and natural about their perverse relationship. It certainly fits with this guy’s worldview:

Ken Plummer is emeritus professor of sociology at Essex University, where he has an office and teaches courses, the most recent scheduled for last month. “The isolation, secrecy, guilt and anguish of many paedophiles,” he wrote in [1981's] Perspectives on Paedophilia, “are not intrinsic to the phenomen[on] but are derived from the extreme social repression placed on minorities …”

“Help, help, I’m being repressed!”

“Paedophiles are told they are the seducers and rapists of children; they know their experiences are often loving and tender ones. They are told that children are pure and innocent, devoid of sexuality; they know both from their own experiences of childhood and from the children they meet that this is not the case.”

“Hey, they’re already despoiled. Fair game, you know what I mean?”

Actually, I think I do. And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like what I think about it.

This is not, I hasten to add, a matter of universal agreement among the general run of tweedy academic pervs:

After a fierce battle in the American Psychiatric Association (APA), which produces it, a proposal to include hebephilia as a disorder in the new edition of the [DSM] has been defeated. The proposal arose because puberty in children has started ever earlier in recent decades and as a result, it was argued, the current definition of paedophilia — pre-pubertal sexual attraction — missed out too many young people.

Ray Blanchard, professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto, who led the APA’s working group on the subject, said that unless some other way was found of encompassing hebephilia in the new manual, that was “tantamount to stating that the APA’s official position is that the sexual preference for early pubertal children is normal.”

Axes were duly presented for grinding:

Prof Blanchard was in turn criticised by a speaker at the Cambridge conference, Patrick Singy, of Union College, New York, who said hebephilia would be abused as a diagnosis to detain sex offenders as “mentally ill” under US “sexually violent predator” laws even after they had completed their sentences.

Because whatever else a kiddie-diddler might be, well, he certainly can’t be sick.

But perhaps the most controversial presentation of all was by Philip Tromovitch, a professor at Doshisha University in Japan, who stated in a presentation on the “prevalence of paedophilia” that the “majority of men are probably paedophiles and hebephiles” and that “paedophilic interest is normal and natural in human males.”

Come the revolution, the first ones with their backs up against the wall will be the idiots who claim that majority support legitimizes everything.

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It’s a handgun and a dessert topping

Just another week in Detroit? Well, this seems odd even for the 313:

A man was killed at 11 p.m. Monday, when two men were reportedly assaulting a victim near the intersection of St. Mary’s and Elmira on the northwest side. “One of the men was pistol-whipping the victim when his gun went off, and his partner was shot in the neck,” [Assistant Police Chief Steve] Dolunt said.

Bayou Renaissance Man delivers exactly the correct amount of incredulity:

Pistol-whipping someone with a loaded gun? Now there’s a negligent discharge looking for a place to happen … and it found one!

I mean, this is almost Homer Simpson-level dumbth. Almost:

Homer Simpson contemplates pistol whip.  Mmmm...pistol whip.

“Mmm…”

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From the Boo Fricking Hoo files

If anyone here thought I might be just this side of pathetic, what with my occasional bursts of frustration regarding my perennially empty dance card — well, I am George Farking Clooney next to this guy.

Background:

A drive-by shooter went on a rampage near a Santa Barbara university campus that left seven people dead, including the attacker, and seven others wounded, authorities said Saturday.

The gunman got into two gun battles with deputies Friday night in the beachside community of Isla Vista before crashing his black BMW into a parked car, Santa Barbara County Sheriff Bill Brown said.

Deputies found him dead with a gunshot wound to the head, but it wasn’t immediately clear whether he was killed by gunfire or if he committed suicide, he said… Although the suspect’s name has not officially been released, CBSLA reports that his name is Elliot Rodger, son of film director Peter Rodger, as was confirmed to them by the family of the alleged suspect.

And, well, you just heard from Elliot Rodger, alone in his BMW, musing about how horrible it is that women just aren’t attracted to a murderous, self-obsessed loner — and then, later, plotting his revenge.

In that second video, he describes himself as “the true Alpha Male.” Trust me on this: the true Alpha Male spends no time brooding over virginity, especially his own.

See also this dork going berserk in a Pennsylvania health club. Um, guys? There is nothing that says you’re entitled to a woman’s attention. Nothing. The girls I know (caution: small sample) consider that attitude to be an automatic disqualifier unless you have something else going for you. For now, you’re just a column in the newspaper, unless Guinness decides to hand out a World Record award for Balls, Bluest. I suspect, though, that they don’t award these things posthumously.

Update: Further thoughts here.

Update: Deleted video link, since the video has been pulled from YouTube.

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Advice to the thug wannabe

After Marisa’s Rude Bumper Invasion on the city’s south side, she offers the following suggestion to those who would do likewise:

If you ever want to commit a crime in Oklahoma City, do so on Airport Road. As the officer told me, there are no cameras in the area, and what happens there apparently stays there. Or rots in the median. Or gets cat-called by creepers who see it sitting there on the side of the road while waiting for an officer after a hit-and-run.

Airport Road, you will have noted if you’ve ever driven on it, conveys a small number of travelers at relatively high speed. I suspect it to be ODOT’s model for the proposed Oklahoma City Boulevard, inasmuch as the only two criteria they use are “How fast is it?” and “How cheap can we build it?”

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Showing people how little we care

“This man” is photographer Simon Runting, already on Rihanna’s shitlist. “AKL” is the airport code for Auckland, Lorde’s hometown.

Yeah, yeah, another pop star’s life. But:

No, you shouldn’t.

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Darth Vader melted his brain

That may be the one and only explanation:

Turns out, among the things Alan Grayson is requesting from his estranged wife in his response to Lolita’s (yep, it’s still funny) divorce filing are a six-bedroom home and seven separate vehicles, including a mint condition, 1981 De Lorean.

Yes, a De Lorean.

Because, you know, the only people more underpaid than Congressmen — oh, the hell with it:

If the allegations of bigamy are true, it releases Grayson from paying alimony, and being as poor as he is (he’s only the 11th wealthiest member of Congress, with a net worth of $31 million) he could certainly use the break, though it probably doesn’t release him from paying child support for his small, ragtag band of children apparently named as environmentally-friendly X-Men characters or a second-generation Captain Planet cast: Storm, Sage, Skye, Star and Stone.

I’d ask “Where do they find these people?” but then I’d remember that “they” are in Florida.

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Oh, those saintly poor people

Much is made of the presumed perfidy of the One Percent who ostensibly control all our lives and own a putatively disproportionate share of the national wealth.

But as of right now, no member of the One Percent has ever done anything to me other than fark up my tax return, while several 99-percenters last night took it upon themselves to improve their financial condition by swiping the outside air-conditioning units on this block.

Rogue financiers, at least, have just enough of a moral sense to submit themselves for appropriate punishment. Common street thugs, lacking even this sliver of conscience, will go on as they had before, knowing the government, who needs their electoral support, has their back.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Gun-Free Zone signs to pull down.

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Truth is such a drag

I don’t believe this guy has thought things through:

I want to get a loan but they only give out auto loans to cars 2010 or newer. They car I want is year 2000. What if I lied to the bank and said it was a year 2010?

Because of course the bank is going to take your word over what the actual title says. Sheesh.

On the upside, Franklin Wickstrom, if that is your real name, you may have found your calling as a political operative.

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Maybe she lost count

Whatever the reason, this is a spiffy, if depressing, lede:

Cristal Paulette Richardson told jurors at her murder trial that she doesn’t recall everything that happened when she stabbed Cedric Lamont Owens 130 times and castrated him inside a Far East Dallas motel room.

Of course, lots of factors can contribute to memory loss:

Richardson, 29, testified Friday in a Dallas County courtroom that she acted in self-defense because, she said, Owens attacked and raped her. She said the two, who had known each other less than 12 hours, had spent part of the night together and she used cocaine, PCP, marijuana and alcohol. She said she blacked out so she doesn’t remember all the details of what happened the rest of the night but testified that she was not high at the time of the slayings.

If you ask me, that would have been the ideal time to have blacked out, but then I have no personal experience with stabbiness.

(Via Interested-Participant.)

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Irony chef

These days, pundits speak of the “optics” of a concept. This one, I dare say, is blind as a vampire bat:

An animal-welfare organization is trying to capitalize on the notoriety of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer’s childhood home by suggesting it might turn the house into a vegan restaurant.

Ingrid E. Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, sent a letter dated Friday to the realty agent who has listed the Bath Township house for sale. In the letter, she asked about the listing and proposed making the house a vegan restaurant “to respond to the past with something positive.”

Local officials were not encouraging, pointing out that the property is zoned single-family residential.

(Via this John Podhoretz tweet.)

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Treated like crap

Why am I not surprised that (1) this is on Fark (2) with a FLORIDA tag?

A 49-year-old woman found herself in a pile of trouble after investigators linked her to apparent human poop in an elevator at the St. Lucie County Courthouse in downtown Fort Pierce.

The case against Patricia Ann Jamison, of Lake Worth, got rolling March 7 after court security staff learned of what looked to be “human fecal matter in the corner of the left public elevator by the buttons,” according to recently released St. Lucie County Sheriff’s records.

In case you’re not familiar with the substance in question — in which case, we welcome you, our new robot overlords — it’s like this:

Feces, also known as ordure, dung, stool, poo poo and feculence, typically is found in commodes or cow pastures, as opposed to public elevators.

And, if memory serves, it happens.

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Lies per hour

I am becoming persuaded that Barack Obama, once he leaves office in 2017, should head up a car company, just so he can get a good look at the godawful malfeasance of his erstwhile acolytes:

The battery-powered Tesla Model S is one of the world’s fastest and quietest luxury cars, but you might not know the latter if you watched the 60 Minutes interview with Tesla founder Elon Musk that first aired on Sunday.

Now CBS says it regrets the “error” that led to that impression.

Error, schmerror. This was either a deliberate hit or the most blatant act of stupidity in auto coverage since — well, since 60 Minutes decided to take out Audi. Get a whiff of this:

Following an introductory segment by Scott Pelley, whose wife owns a Model S, there is a series of shots provided by Tesla of a Model S driving down a road accompanied by the out-of-sync sounds of an internal combustion engine and the shifting of a transmission.

The Model S has neither of these things.

Nice fakery, CBS. Not quite up to the level of what you did to Audi, though:

Ed Bradley’s 17 minute “investigative report” aired on November 23, 1986. Between interviews of the teary-eyed “victims” (drivers) of unintended acceleration swearing their feet were on the brake pedal, CBS showed a clip of a driverless Audi lurching forward on its own.

Viewers didn’t get to see the canister of compressed air on the passenger-side floor with a hose running to a hole drilled in the transmission. An “expert” had rigged the Rube Goldberg device to shift the big Audi into drive and, like any automatic-equipped car, move forward (unless the brakes are depressed).

Edward R. Murrow is doing about 1800 rpm, even as we speak.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

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Super iPerv 9000

It’s 1967. Sandra Dee has just seated herself in the chair beside your desk. Being the douchecanoe you are, you adjust the angle of the mirror just a bit, and the reflection gives you what you wanted: an unobstructed view of Miss Dee’s grade-A legs.

This scene actually appears in the otherwise uneventful grade-B flick Doctor, You’ve Got to Be Kidding! And it had exactly the effect on this impressionable youth — I was 14 in 1967 — that you think it did.

But older and marginally wiser, I now feel compelled to warn you that This Could Happen To You:

Possible usage of Spy Cam Peek-I

There exists a crowdfunding effort to develop exactly this technology as an iPhone app, which as of the last time I looked had raised about eight times the original goal. The demand for this sort of thing by 14-year-olds of all ages is evidently substantial.

(Via this Avenging Uterus tweet, bounced into my timeline by Andrea Harris.)

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Scrupuloose

It’s exceedingly hard not to laugh at this character:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is Customfakeidcards21@yahoo.com legit?

The sordid story:

I ordered 2 IDs from them for 250$ and they said they got my order and they took the money from the card immediately. They still replied back after they took the money saying they will send pictures before they send it out.

I figure he’s taking Chutzpah 101 and needs this for his lab requirement. (At the 200 level, you have to return used burglar’s tools for warranty replacement.)

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Could have been a real clusterbox

There is such a thing as discretion. This isn’t it:

Oklahoma City police arrested a man after several children reported seeing him walking to his mailbox naked.

The fellow wasn’t exactly contrite:

When officers arrived at the scene, they spoke with the suspect, 68-year-old Hillard Stallings, at his house. Stallings told officers that he was a registered sex offender, but he refused to give them his ID.

According to the report, officers then contacted the Sex Crimes Unit, and they stated that if Stallings came outside, the officers could arrest him. However, police said Stallings was very rude and did not want to talk to the officers.

He then escalated to Pervcon 3:

About five minutes after they spoke to Stallings, the officer said he saw a 14-year-old boy standing in front of Stallings’ house, looking toward the front door.

When the officer got closer, he said he saw Stallings outside his house, “shaking his penis and thrusting his hips out” towards the boy, according to the report.

If you insist on retrieving your mail in your birthday suit, you probably need to live in an older part of town: my mail, for instance, is shoved through a slot in the garage door.

And the time to discover that you fancy 14-year-olds is not when you’re pushing seventy.

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Young blood, and then some

There is something seriously wrong with this:

Three British liberals are feeling the heat these days, as well they should: Harriet Harman (Deputy Leader of the Labour Party), her MP husband Jack Dromey, and former minister Patricia Hewitt have been found by a Daily Mail investigation to have supported and promoted the agenda of a group called the PIE (Paedophile Information Exchange) through the NCCL (National Council for Civil Liberties). All three were ‘leading officials’ of the NCCL in the 70s/80s, which worked for four years with the PIE, a group of shameless, predatory child-molesters who lobbied to lower the age of consent to just four years old.

PIE, as it happens, was officially disbanded in 1984. And hairs were split: what PIE had said about four-year-olds was that they can “communicate verbally their consent to sex.” One must presume that they are also capable of communicating verbally well enough to deny consent.

And anyway, four-year-olds were of comparatively minor interest to PIE:

In 1978–9, the Paedophile Information Exchange surveyed its members and found that they were most attracted to girls aged 8–11 and boys aged 11–15.

Well, that’s different.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned in some regards. But I persist in thinking that fiddling about with jailbait should result in jail — or gaol, if they’d rather.

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Whatever under the bridge

Most everyone here, I assume, will agree that trolls suck. And now we have scientific evidence to support that premise:

[Y]our run-of-the-mill backseat pokers, hair pullers, and forbidden cat petters don’t generally grow up to spend large portions of their time harassing total strangers on the Internet in search of “lulz.” They don’t, in other words, turn into Internet trolls.

That’s because the true troll has a lot more of the sadist hidden deep inside than you do, gentle reader — at least according to a new study, “Trolls just want to have fun,” which appeared in the academic journal Personal and Individual Differences. The Canadian researchers behind the study conclude that “online trolls are prototypical everyday sadists… For those with sadistic personalities, [their] ideal self may be a villain of chaos and mayhem — the online Trickster we fear, envy, and love to hate: the cyber-troll.”

And unfortunately, the sheer ubiquity of the Internet has caused the miserable bastards to proliferate:

The Internet’s amazing ability to create communities even out of the strangest or most repulsive of niche interests has also been a boon to trolls, who in the past could only make themselves unpleasant in local ways — bringing family members to tears at Christmas dinner, for instance. Thanks to the ‘Net, though, not only do they have a broader (and more anonymous) outlet for their urges, but trolls “have greater opportunities to connect with similar others and to pursue their personal brand of ‘self expression’.”

Let us always remember not to feed them.

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Permanent adolescence

There is just so much wrong with this scenario:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I made 80K a year lived at home with my parents, had zero bills could I afford a used Lamborghini Gallardo?

That first $25,000 engine rebuild ought to discourage him, but it won’t.

The temptation is to conclude that this guy believes with all his glands that he’s never going to get laid unless he has an exotic car. Of course, living in the parental units’ basement pretty much assures a state of perpetual virginity anyway, and besides he’s Canadian — says so elsewhere on the page — so I’m putting aside my speculation that he’s hard up for health insurance.

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What’s in your shredder?

After you read this, probably your Capital One credit card:

Credit card issuer Capital One isn’t shy about getting into customers’ faces. The company recently sent a contract update to cardholders that makes clear it can drop by any time it pleases.

The update specifies that “we may contact you in any manner we choose” and that such contacts can include calls, emails, texts, faxes or a “personal visit.”

It gets worse:

The company’s contract update also includes this little road apple:

“We may modify or suppress caller ID and similar services and identify ourselves on these services in any manner we choose.”

Now that’s just freaky. Cap One is saying it can trick you into picking up the phone by using what looks like a local number or masquerading as something it’s not, such as Save the Puppies or a similarly friendly-seeming bogus organization.

“Why, yes, we are fundamentally dishonest. What are you going to do about it?”

Not a thing, except of course never to do even a dollar’s worth of business with you ever again, and I don’t care if you offer me zero percent APR in perpetuity and Zooey Deschanel’s cell number besides.

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In dire need of feck

And possibly also some gorm:

[T]he level of fecklessness (or perhaps gormlessness, or perhaps both) that I have encountered in certain people recently leaves me shaking my head. How do people who behave like that manage to function, to hold down a job, not eat those little silica packets that say DO NOT EAT on them? Is it just that enough people just do “cleanup on aisle five” and fix things for them? (And I admit, I do that more than I probably should. But sometimes I prefer to put myself out and have things around me generally running smoothly than have someone else’s inability to manage their own life derail everything around them — as much as they probably need to experience the consequences of such.)

This is largely because there are no longer any penalties for stupidity: the species has “advanced” (yeah, right) to the extent that it can afford to indulge its least-productive members. The gormless of today are the Eloi of tomorrow.

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Attaining a grasp of the obvious

Admittedly, some of us are better at it than others:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I'm buying a 94 geo prizm but it don't have a starter do that mean it wont start?

Perhaps he should ask the ever-lovin’ 8-ball.

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Maintaining the escape vehicle

You’ve heard of drama queens? Here’s a jack, or maybe the nine of clubs:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it possible to flee from a cop chasing you if you overfill your windshield washer fluid box?

No, he says he’s serious:

I do not have any coolant nor oil. All I have is windshield washer fluid. Will I be able to get away long before my vehicle stalls on me?

I only had a few dollars so I had to buy windshield washer fluid and fill it up before my engine overheats.

I did not have enough money to buy all 3 fluids, so I made sure that I bought windshield washer fluid because I had none because it was empty.

Would I be able to elude 200 miles off into the distance as long as my windshield washer fluid box if full?

And in case you missed it the first time:

ONCE AGAIN, MY WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID BOX WAS EMPTY AND I HAD TO REFILL IT IMMEDIATELY AND I ONLY HAD A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, SO THEREFORE, I WAS NOT ABLE TO GET COOLANT NOR OIL BECAUSE OF IT!!!

Based on your reading of the above, how much Thorazine does this guy need?

  1. 10 mg.
  2. 20 mg.
  3. 40 mg.
  4. 80 mg.
  5. Enough to turn his brain pan into a wok.

Yeah, I know; that’s just the way they troll. I live in the hope that these people can get, if not the help they need, at least the hardware failures we’d appreciate.

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The discreet elite

Jack Baruth explains why Woody Allen and Roman Polanski had to get away with it, and it’s not “male privilege” or “rape culture” or any of that yammer:

Had young men made the allegations, the reaction would have been the same.

No, the reason everyone winks at Roman Polanski anally raping a thirteen-year-old girl or Woody Allen forcing a seven-year-old child into a closet is simple: society, as a whole, has decided that the souls of the abusers are bigger, and more vibrant, and more important than those of the victims. After all, Polanski directed the admittedly brilliant Chinatown. What had that girl ever done for anyone? And Woody Allen made all sorts of films that, if they perhaps fell flat in flyover country, resonated deeply with our privileged coastal overlords. Measured next to those brilliant pictures, who cares about Dylan Farrow’s vagina and what’s been in it?

And as you may remember, Polanski’s defenders became quite irate at the cavalier treatment of Their Hero by mere governments, and the repeated references to his victim bit o’ fun:

What’s the big deal? She should be grateful; it could have been Michael Bay or someone without talent.

It has always been thus, with every elite ever established since the Neanderthals began to select on the basis of, well, anything: privilege has its perks, and if you complain about that, you just don’t understand how the world works.

This is, not incidentally, why the current Republican establishment is so utterly devoid of feck: they’re convinced that if they can spout the right platitudes, they too can drive women off bridges in the dead of night and be lionized for it.

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