Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

Dumping foreseen

You know how they’re always saying “Don’t be that guy”? This is a guy you don’t want to be:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I need some pics of girls to prove to my girlfriend that I'm experienced with getting nudes of girls. She wont send em without proof. Help!?

I’m guessing she’s already figured out that this guy contains a significant percentage of weasel DNA.

Comments (2)




All right, out of the gene pool

As asshats go, this guy qualifies at least as Sombrero of the Sphincter:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to make other drivers mad on the road?

Further evidence of dementia:

I need some ideas on how to make some drivers angry on the road tomorrow. I will be driving through county roads, one-lane. I love it when they flip me off, tailgate me and do those crazy hand gestures (trucks too).

I want to see how much he loves it when one of them points a shotgun at him.

Comments (4)




A thefty problem

Karma, you may be certain, operates on its own schedule, and sometimes it’s inconvenient in exactly the right way:

According to Michael Scott, deputy chief of Round Lake Beach [Illinois] police, officers responded at about 3 pm Tuesday to a report of a retail theft at the Wal-Mart store located at 2680 N. Route 83.

Upon arrival, Scott said, officers were informed that a man was observed loading electronics into a shopping basket and leaving the store. After employees confronted the suspect, he dropped the items and fled on foot, police said.

Hearn was later located walking by the side of the road, according to police. When asked why he was walking, he responded that his car had been repossessed while he was at the Wal-Mart, police said.

Investigators determined that the repossession company had followed Hearn to Wal-Mart, police said. The car was towed away when he entered the store, giving Hearn the only option of fleeing the scene on foot, police said.

Additional punchline: Hearn’s first name is Che, anent which Peter Green comments:

Given his namesake, I’d have expected him to use better tactics … but the archetypical Che ultimately came up short in that department in Bolivia, so I suppose it’s not surprising that his latter-day namesake did likewise in Chicago.

Not in the least.

Comments (2)




This is their jam

Who will rid us of these bothersome spammers? Lynn proposes a technological solution:

Someone once said that spammers should be crucified alongside the Interstates. Honestly, I don’t want to live in a society that crucifies people but a little part of me thinks that this would not be too harsh a punishment for spammers. And you can put trolls right there with them. Anyone whose behavior makes it necessary to restrict free and open communication. You know what we really need is some kind of device that these people could be sentenced to wear — like a type of ankle bracelet — that would automatically shut down any electronic device when they came within, say, three feet of it. If this sounds like too humane a punishment just imagine for a minute never being able to use a computer or smartphone again. Hey, all of you clever inventor folk, get on that will you?

“Someone,” in case you’d forgotten, was Eric Scheie of Classical Values, circa 2003.

And I hate like hell to say so, but there are nimrods out there who would willingly saw off a limb or two in order to perpetuate their perversity.

Comments (3)




Noise disabatement

This nimrod showed up yesterday exhibiting both a lack of taste and a lack of patience:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: five variations on I have a Dodge Ram 1500 2wd regular cab. What can I do to it to make it sound good and loud

If he comes back next week asking for stereo advice, well, God help him. Because I won’t.

Comments (4)




Considerable many frills

You think Tom Sawyer put him up to this?

A Coolidge Street man was arrested Wednesday for alleged sexual assault.

Huckleberry Finn, 36, of Coolidge Street, was arrested Wednesday after police spotted him on Main Street. A woman reported that on Saturday she was sexually assaulted in her home by a man she didn’t know.

All right, then, he’ll go to hell. (And since the subject has come up: what direction is hell from Keene, N’Hampsha?)

(Via Fark.)

Comments




Bush league at best

When the Knights who say “Ni!” gave out with “We want … a shrubbery!” I’m pretty sure this is not what they wanted it for:

An 81-year-old Connecticut man has been accused of performing a sex act with some shrubbery, according to reports.

Police told the Connecticut Post they arrested the Stratford man Monday after a neighbor showed them a video he took of the naked man in the bushes outside his home.

Perhaps he was tipped off by a bustle in his hedgerow.

Comments (3)




Must have a death wish

Certainly for his site, and possibly for himself:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is there an HTML/CSS code that prevents a user from navigating away from a web page until after 1 minute?

“Preferably no alerts,” he says.

On the upside, all his visitors will be unique and new: he’s never going to get a repeat visitor. (Well, okay, he might, in the specific context of “Hey, look what this asshole did!”)

Comments (2)




For you, a ray of sunshine

For the disciples of Al Gore, it’s Gloomy Sunday indeed:

Among climate activists, gloom is building. Jim Driscoll of the National Institute for Peer Support just finished a study of a group of longtime activists whose most frequently reported feeling was sadness, followed by fear and anger. Dr. Lise Van Susteren, a practicing psychiatrist and graduate of Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth slide-show training, calls this “pretraumatic” stress. “So many of us are exhibiting all the signs and symptoms of posttraumatic disorder — the anger, the panic, the obsessive intrusive thoughts.”

How much sympathy have I for these mountebanks? Somewhere below the Maunder Minimum.

(Via Steven Hayward at Power Line.)

Comments (4)




Too lazy to cut and paste

Even the plagiarists are becoming indolent:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is there a website online that will summarize text for free and make it like its in my own words?

Not only must it do the rewrite job for him, but it must do it for free. A three-toed sloth is Usain Bolt next to this clod.

Comments (5)




Roll them all over

Few shout “We are a legitimate business!” louder than your friendly neighborhood payday-loan joint. Maybe it is. I haven’t been there. But certainly this particular operation threw away its bid for legitimacy:

The operators of a payday lending scheme that allegedly bilked millions of dollars from consumers by trapping them into loans they never authorized will be banned from the consumer lending business under settlements with the Federal Trade Commission.

The settlements stem from charges the FTC filed last year alleging that Timothy A. Coppinger, Frampton T. Rowland III, and their companies targeted online payday loan applicants and, using information from lead generators and data brokers, deposited money into those applicants’ bank accounts without their permission. The defendants then withdrew reoccurring “finance” charges without any of the payments going to pay down the principal owed. The court subsequently halted the operation and froze the defendants’ assets pending litigation.

According to the FTC’s complaint, the defendants told consumers they had agreed to, and were obligated to pay for, the unauthorized “loans.” To support their claims, the defendants provided consumers with fake loan applications or other loan documents purportedly showing that consumers had authorized the loans. If consumers closed their bank accounts to stop the unauthorized debits, the defendants often sold the “loans” to debt buyers who then harassed consumers for payment.

So weasels and jackals can crossbreed. Who knew?

(Thanks to Roger Green.)

Comments (2)




The more things change

Why there will always be a market for the fake ID:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it possile to automatically run through date of birth questions?

Explanation? Of course:

I’ve been locked out of my playstation account because I forgot what I put in for my date of birth. Is it possible to create something to automatically put in every date until it finds the correct one?

The only way this could be more delicious would be if Sony demanded a copy of the pertinent birth certificate before allowing reentry.

Comments




Didn’t help his alibi

We will apparently never, ever run out of Really Stupid Criminals:

Yuba City police responded to Umpqua Bank on Colusa Highway just after 9 a.m. Monday when they received notification a robbery had just occurred.

Bank employees said the robber handed the teller a note which read, in part, “Give me $10,000 dollars or I will kill you”. The note was signed John Chapman.

The man then fled the area, and employees were able to positively identify the suspect as John Chapman.

The only way this could be worse would be if Chapman had posted some reference to the robbery on his Facebook page.

(Via Nothing To Do With Arbroath.)

Addendum: None of the eight John Chapmans I checked on Facebook matched up to this guy.

Comments (1)




One very small step forward

What hurts, I think, is that it was a 3-2 vote:

You hate getting robocalls. The FCC knows you hate getting robocalls. And so [Thursday] the Commission voted to move forward with a proposal that would allow consumers to block all those annoying calls and texts.

The commissioners were agreed on one major theme: seriously, everyone hates getting calls from “Rachel at card services” during their family dinner hour. Outside of that, reactions were less universal, and individual commissioners each presented a mixed bag of affirmations and dissents.

FCC chair Tom Wheeler says that part of the problem is the Commission’s own rulemaking:

“Technology has made it cheaper, and as a result there’s been an explosion in the number of calls — an explosion which has been aided by exploiting the wording of our rules to claim a loophole. Clever lawyers have [spurred] the explosion in robocalls by claiming if the company substitutes software for hardware to drive the calls and/or does not call from a list, they are exempt from our rules.”

While I am moderately hopeful, I am fairly sure the FCC will not authorize the ritual disembowelment of offenders, as recommended by, um, me.

Comments (5)




Scam via scum

Remember this number: 917-675-3332. Two calls from them today in relatively rapid succession. The people behind it need to die a horrible death, live on YouTube.

Apparently they’ve been active for only a couple of days, but already they’ve justified their termination with extreme prejudice. Says Ragator, who heard from them Monday:

Received a partial voice mail about calling in reference to a lawsuit and provided a phone number of 917 675-3332. I called the number and reached a gentleman stating to be “David Frost”. When I asked what company he was with he stated the IRS. I challenged him several times and he continued to claim he is with the IRS and contacting me in reference to a lawsuit. After I continued to challenge his affiliation with the IRS and I vehemently declared that I did not believe he was an employee Internal Revenue Service and pushed him even harder to reveal the company he actually works for he said he can not say and hung up.

The lawsuit claim is, of course, horseshit of the highest (or lowest) order. “Mr. Frost” is obviously a scamster out to make a fast buck off fearful people. Whoever is behind him needs to be named, exposed, and then culled from the species. It doesn’t even have to be in that order.

Remember that number: 917-675-3332.

Comments (6)




Common jerks

In the standard version of the Tragedy of the Commons, there are more takers than givers, and eventually the system breaks down. If this sounds like a bunch of jerks to you, the Z Man can show you more of them:

Blogs and news stories invite comments. Jerks come along and fill the comments with work at home scams and penis pill ads. That means we have to have spam filters and police the comments sections. A good chunk of the code in a WordPress site is to fend off jerks trying to mess up a blog for no other reason than they are an asshole.

Anyway, the jerks are ruining the interwebs in a different way and that’s with ads. There are some sites I don’t bother to visit because they are so bogged down with popups, scripts and the worst thing of all, auto-playing videos. The guy who came up with that idea should be burned at the stake. There’s nothing worse than having some nonsense come blaring through your PC speakers as you feverishly look for the source.

Hence: ad blockers and such. (I’ve recently had to dispose of a script I had found useful for many years because it had mutated into a tool of the jerks.)

I don’t block every ad, of course. For example: I block nothing on Equestria Daily, since (1) I really, really need the content and (2) Sethisto has gone after rogue advertisers with jerk in their genome. But there are plenty of sites pushing on my last nerve.

I don’t solicit Breitbart because it is infested with ads created by the nation’s dickhead community. Loads of viruses are spread through embedded ads as well. If a site has no choice but to go the jerk route with their ads, then they should go out of business. The world has plenty of jerks. We’re full.

Between that and clickbait — well, I’ve been to a Turkish bazaar, and it’s run with a hell of a lot more respect for its customers.

Comments




The destructive power of kale

Look what it’s done to this poor imbecile:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Vegans, what do i do about my neighbor?

my neighbor cooks meat outside often, im a vegan and offended by the smell of cooking meat. i went over there to tell him to stop, he said ‘go f*ck yourself, this is my grill, my food, my property. go home, or i will have you arrested for trespassing. dont like it? then you can close your windows or leave the town.’ can you imagine the audacity of a person like this? im thinking of holding a peta protest outside his house. is there anything i can do? should i call the cops on him?

Whichever of these is more pertinent:

  • Quit trolling, ya knucklehead;
  • Kindly point to the section of the Constitution that gives you the right not to be offended.

Otherwise, I’d say “die in a fire,” and if it comes to that, I’ll happily contribute some kindling.

Comments (8)




Just a hint of mockery

Meet Brandy Bean:

Mug shot of Brandy Bean

As you can see, she’s already met with the police department of Bellevue, Ohio:

Brandy Bean was taken into custody earlier this afternoon 5/26/2015, after a short foot pursuit in the area of CVS and Circle K. She was arrested on several Felony warrants including Burglary, Forgery and Theft. The Burglary charges were the result of the investigation into a female knocking on doors and asking to use the telephone, and the restroom and wanting a drink of water. While the resident was out of the room, the female would steal items from within the house. Forgery charges were from separate previous case(s).

And either she’s taunting the photographer, or she’s a little over halfway through a Ball Park Frank.

(Via Interested-Participant.)

Comments




A barrel of laughs

A little song, a little dance, an AK-47 down your pants:

The AK-47 is many things, but it is definitely not a small and discreet weapon. That’s why it’s not surprising that a man in Florida was arrested after trying to shove one of the assault rifles down his pants in a pawn shop, evidently thinking that this was something he would be able to get away with.

Unfortunately for all of us, the surveillance footage of this incident that allegedly exists hasn’t been released, but the store owner says that he spotted the 19-year-old walking strangely, then confronted him and took the rifle back. Police caught up with the suspect later, and he did confess to attempting to steal the rifle.

Was he tall? Because an AK-47 is just this side of three feet long, which isn’t going to work with a shortish inseam unless the stock is folded, and perhaps even then.

Apparently, though, he had other problems:

A judge set his bond very high: it turns out that the man was already out on bond for a domestic violence arrest and had an injunction from a different state not to go anywhere near guns. That makes this case significantly less hilarious. Maybe even not hilarious at all.

But it’s in Florida, which at least makes it Farkable.

Comments (2)




At least he didn’t share it

File this under “Unclear on the concept”:

A Montana man was arrested last month after he apparently “liked” his most wanted poster on a Crimestoppers Facebook page.

Levi Charles Reardon was arrested April 24 after he liked his photo on the Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, according to the Great Falls Tribune. The newspaper reportedly captured a screenshot of it before Reardon revoked the like.

Something like this, in fact:

Cascade County Crimestoppers screenshot

Reardon, 23, who is accused of felony forgery after he allegedly stole a wallet and cashed forged checks, was then apprehended by police without incident, the newspaper reported.

I’m just trying to imagine the facepalm he did after realizing he’d just Liked his own mug shot.

Comments (1)




Take a bow

And shove it into the guy’s eyeball:

She was expecting the cleaning lady. Instead, the tourist opened the door of her Midtown hotel room to a stark-naked 6-foot, 200-pound man lunging for her neck.

“I opened the door and there was this humongous stranger and I froze. I thought, ‘I don’t see this person.’ I slammed the door and he pushed his way into the room,” said the North Carolina woman who was nearly choked to death at the Hudson Hotel in March.

“He pushed me into the closet, he put his hand over my mouth and he tried to smother me and I bit him,” said the victim, 64, who asked not to be named, said Friday.

Her bite did nothing to repel her attacker, renowned German violinist Stefan Arzberger, 42, who was charged with attempted murder Thursday.

From the Department of Unmitigated Gall:

Arzberger, who claims he was drugged by a hooker he brought to his room, will ask a judge on Monday to have his passport returned so that he can continue his performance tour in Europe and Asia.

For the moment, he’s out on $100,000 bail.

(Via Margo Howard.)

Comments




Go block thyself

The ringer’s turned off, but I hear the telltale click of the call-screening device, and I glance over at the Caller ID screen.

And there’s my name and number.

This happened yesterday, fourish. After the instinctive WTF? (wouldn’t you?), I waited to see if I they left a message, which I they didn’t, and then looked to see if this was happening to anyone else. And of course it is:

The phone rings and when you look at the caller ID you see something very strange—it’s showing your telephone number. Chances are your phone number is being “spoofed” by a scammer.

“This is just the latest tactic being used by illegal telemarketers,” said Robert Siciliano, fraud expert with BestIDTheftCompanys.com. “They hope that if you see your own number displayed on the caller ID, your curiosity will get you to pick up the phone.”

In other news, there’s a site called BestIDTheftCompanys.com.

But this seemed too simplistic, so I dropped a little farther down the page, and found this:

A phone fraudster might also do this hoping to beat the new call-screening services now being used by millions of people. These services … rely on blacklists of known robocallers and illegal telemarketers to help block unwanted calls.

“A person’s own phone number is not likely to be on the blacklist, so these telemarketers hope to beat the filtering software by spoofing that number,” said Bikram Bandy, head of the Do Not Call program at the Federal Trade Commission. “Fighting illegal telemarketing calls is a cat and mouse game and these telemarketers aren’t giving up easily. We didn’t think they would.”

You can’t tell me that people wouldn’t pay a hundred bucks to see a telemarketer disemboweled live on pay-per-view.

Comments (6)




Forged from the cheapest available bits

Bring on the asteroid, the planet is through:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I create a fake email conversation?

By that she means this:

My English teacher wasnt going to accept my project after a certain date and long story short, I fell asleep typing it and wasn’t able to turn it in that night. So the next day I woke up early and finished it, printed it off and turned it in and told her I tried to email it to her, but my internet wasn’t working so I had to print it. She told me for her to be able to put the grade in she would need to see proof I tried to send it that night, but I didn’t send it. How do I create a fake email to make it look like I sent my project on the specific date?

You’ll need a time machine, because otherwise the message headers will give you away. We’ve had customers at work who tried to pull that sort of stunt, and it never, ever succeeded.

Comments (8)




Sticking point

Manual transmissions used to be promoted as ways to save gas. In these days of smarter and stingier automatics, perhaps they should be promoted as ways to save your ass:

A South Carolina kidnapper — wanted in Horry County on child cruelty charges — grabbed a woman at gunpoint, put her in the trunk of her car, but then could not drive because he didn’t know how to shift a manual transmission, officials say.

The 53-year-old woman managed to escape from the trunk early Tuesday after using a latch inside and then flagged down authorities.

The Sumter County Sheriff’s Office has arrested 27-year-old Demetric Jerod Nelson, a Sumter man accused of kidnapping and robbing the woman at gunpoint early Tuesday morning, officials with the sheriff’s office said.

This sounds like a pretty good argument for the Ford Focus RS, a variation on the staid compact that sports well over 300 hp — and which, when it arrives next year, will come only with a stick.

Addendum, 23 April: Joe Sherlock reports:

Up until 1988, my plastics manufacturing company had only one forklift truck, a 1955 Hyster, which had a three-on-the-tree manual transmission. Several of our younger employees could not drive it because they didn’t know how to work the clutch and shift levers. We referred to them as Automatic Babies.

Comments (3)




Go with the name you know

There’s a lot to be said, I suppose, for personal branding, but this isn’t it [warning: autostart video]:

A man said he accidentally shot himself when a gun he bought on the street jammed.

Police met up with the 36-year-old after he showed up at Miami Valley Hospital Saturday afternoon, according to the Dayton police report.

He was treated for a gunshot wound to his upper left arm. He told police it happened in a creek area off Norris Drive, according to the report.

The man reported he went there to test fire a gun he had bought from a man named “Crack Head Dave,” according to the report.

Does Dave stand behind his products? I’m betting he sure as hell doesn’t stand in front of them.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

Comments (1)




The quality of trollage is very strained

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why am I cursed?

Now what kind of horrible life experience is this individual having to endure?

It’s bad enough that I was born into a middle class family, and have an average size penis, but I never get what I want. I never get the pretty girl, or will be rich. I feel like all I do is fight for the scraps in life, like a *****-ing dog. Meanwhile people like Jay z is living my dreams. I want a hooker like Beyoncé or a model like Tom Brady’s wife. I want riches and power, and a large penis. Why must God bless some and leave the rest of us out in the cold looking through the windows of the rich. I held my phone up to the sky and said God let my phone ring with some good news and nothing happened.

This is why it’s a good thing I’m not God: I’d have hit the sorry bastard with a lightning bolt.

Comments (3)




Welcome to karma

It was all I could do to keep from spewing BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! all over the answer box:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Downloaded the golf club off of piratebay.sx and it was a codex if thats any help but when i open the game it opens the steam store?

Thieves complaining about the merchandise they stole. Sheesh.

As we say in CL: CALL CURLIB/GALL *MITIGATE=NO.

Comments




Setting a fine example

Someone else is pleased to tell us we’re in deep doo-doo:

Billionaire Jeff Greene, who amassed a multibillion dollar fortune betting against subprime mortgage securities, says the U.S. faces a jobs crisis that will cause social unrest and radical politics.

“America’s lifestyle expectations are far too high and need to be adjusted so we have less things and a smaller, better existence,” Greene said in an interview [Wednesday] at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. “We need to reinvent our whole system of life.”

And by “we,” he means “you,” but not himself or the other jerks in the Davos circle:

Greene, who flew his wife, children and two nannies on a private jet plane to Davos for the week, said he’s planning a conference in Palm Beach, Florida, at the Tideline Hotel called “Closing the Gap.”

Perhaps “Closing the Yap” would be more apropos.

(Via Lachlan Markay.)

Comments (5)




Improper use of force

The Thin Blue Line gets thinner, but better:

The Oklahoma City Police Department has fired an officer accused of rape and other misconduct last year.

Daniel Holtzclaw was arrested in 2014 in the parking lot of Gold’s Gym in northwest Oklahoma City… Police say Holtzclaw stopped women, threatened them and made them expose themselves and perform sexual acts. He pleaded not guilty to 36 counts of sexual assault.

An example:

One alleged victim was a 44-year-old woman who says Holtzclaw pulled up next to her, found a crack pipe, and told her “you know you could go to jail.” She says Holtzclaw then forced her to perform oral sex.

The Department has made public the letter dismissing Holtzclaw [pdf], which contains this statement by Chief Bill Citty:

Your offenses against women in this community constitute the greatest abuse of police authority I have witnessed in my 37 years as a member of this agency.

Words unminced.

Comments (6)




Get this guy into a covered wagon

And then sew up the cover so he can’t escape easily:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does an impala 2011 need a lift kit for 24s?

He compounds the atrocity:

24 inch rims on my 2011 impala with no lift or cutting ? Is it possible

Now you know my particular bias: I think anyone who calls ’em “rims” ought to be buried clavicle-deep in the Alaskan tundra. But one of the answerers dealt this guy a solid, good enough to pass along here:

No, it just needs a hefty dose of good taste and some common sense to realize that even if it could be done, DOING THAT IS RETARDED. Why on Earth would you RUIN the ride comfort, resale value, handling, durability, gas mileage, and acceleration??? Take the drug money you would have spent on the dum-dum wagon wheels and set fire to it so you’re not tempted.

I don’t think I could have said it better myself.

Comments (1)