Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

Kindly thieves

Yeah, you’d probably be somewhat resentful if a gaggle of cybercrooks gained access to your computer, encrypted all your files, and then demanded payment for their safe return.

But what if said cybercrooks claimed to be doing all this for a Good Cause? A new strain of ransomware, asking 5 bitcoin (about $2200), says exactly that:

Your money will be spent for the children charity. So that is mean that You will get a participation in this process too. Many children will receive presents and medical help!

And We trust that you are kind and honest person! Thank You very much! We wish You all the best! Your name will be in the main donors list and will stay in the charity history!

P.S> When your payment will be delivered you will receive your software with private key IMMEDIATELY!

P.P.S> In the next 24 hours your price will be doubled by the Main Server automatically. So now you have a chance to restore your PC with low price!

Best regards,

Charity Team

Well, at least we know they’re not spending any of this money on English lessons.

Oh, and they throw in “3 years of tech support” with the deal. I still think I’ll pass.

(Via @SwiftOnSecurity.)

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From the “What a waste” files

No, you cannot have a sports car. Not yours:

A newly-minted McLaren owner in England became a little over-excited following the delivery of his brand-new supercar. The Telegraph reports that the owner of a McLaren 650S stuffed the coupe into a tree just 10 minutes after the car arrived at his house for the first time.

The report states that neighbors spotted the owner celebrating supercar ownership with a bottle of champagne right after the car arrived at his doorstep. Not 10 minutes later, the owner introduced the front end of his $265,000 supercar to the ever-sturdy trunk of an innocent tree. The collision was severe enough to demolish the front end of the car, scattering bits of the carbon fiber bodywork all over the immediate area.

I can’t wait to find out what this yutz used to drive; I’m betting it’s some quotidian Ford.

(Via Eric Siegmund.)

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Taste the memory

You have to figure that this guy got what was coming to him:

Up-skirt photos are a form of sexual harassment plaguing subway cars, bars, and basically anywhere a woman is standing. It’s especially concerning because most of the perpetrators are never caught. Except for when they are.

People’s Daily recently posted a video that’s going viral in China, in which a woman in Nanjing confronts a man she realizes is taking up-skirt photos on the subway via a hidden camera in his garment bag. In under a minute, she exposes him to all their fellow commuters, dressing him down to the point where he takes his SD card out of his camera and chews on it to destroy the photos.

I frankly do not understand the motivation behind this sort of thing: feelthy peectures are only a few clicks away, even in China. (The Great Firewall can’t block everything.) And I wish she’d managed to stomp the guy’s camera at some point.

(Via Danielle Lisle.)

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A case of inadequate insurance

Or some sort of inadequacy, surely:

Cadillac with a messed-up deck lid: Dumb Broad Light Was Red

I took this on Northwest 36th Street just east of Interstate 44 yesterday.

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Future bum

Some people really object to the idea that life requires effort:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I make a millions of dollars?

I think we can safely assume he has no future as a bestselling author:

Every night I go sleep dreaming about driving rolls a rolls Royce, living in a huge house. I’m 18 I don’t want to grow up and do the exact same thing every day, get up go to work and go home I can’t do that.

And girls, I’ll just bet he’s single!

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Congenital liar?

This would seem to constitute taking a dump in the gene pool:

A man billed as a “perfect donor” by a sperm bank turned out to be a mentally ill felon whose lies on his donor application weren’t uncovered for more than a decade, according to families who are now terrified for their children’s futures.

On its website, Georgia-based firm Xytex described Donor 9623 as a completely healthy man with an IQ of 160 who was working on a Ph.D. in neuroscience engineering, the Toronto Star reports.

In reality, he was college dropout Chris Aggeles, a 39-year-old man who has been diagnosed with bipolar and narcissistic personality disorders and schizophrenia and has spent time in prison for burglary.

Litigation, of course, ensues:

Three Canadian families with children between 4 and 8 years old are now suing Xytex, and lawyer Nancy Hersh says she may also file suits for British and American families, the Guardian reports.

The lawsuit, which notes that schizophrenia can be hereditary, alleges that Xytex allowed Aggeles to keep selling his sperm even after problems surfaced.

(Via Five Thirty Eight.)

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Frugal crook

As thieves go, this guy was remarkably unambitious:

I got a call from my credit card provider. They were questioning certain transactions made in California last month: to wit, a charge for gas at a Shell station, and a purchase from In n Out Burger. The two together were less than $50.

At least he’s picking name brands. Still:

I’m struck by the modesty of their desires. Why not buy an expensive camera or a set of tires? (These are the items a thief bought on my credit card last time I was robbed.) Why would anyone risk getting a criminal record for a hamburger?

So if you’re planning to steal a credit-card account — skimmers were found at a Circle K in Edmond this week, so clearly somebody is — you may as well spend big; the jail looks the same regardless.

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Salami hiding

Not surprisingly, they’re looking for him:

Thanks to tips from the public, Dallas police say they have identified an indecent exposure suspect who allegedly exposed himself in front of the victim and began masturbating twice in two days this week.

Now they’re asking the public if they know where the alleged suspect, Jibril Salami, is hiding.

At the very least, this guy needs to get a grip.

(With thanks to Kris Wood.)

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Playing the Pathetic Card

Yet another bozo who thinks himself too clever by half:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I bring up that dad has cancer in my next drivers test?

Apparently he’s perfectly serious:

I just failed my drivers test. Now, I am trying to make a new date in PA and if anyone has any advice on how to make an appointment as soon as possible, that would GREATLY help. Now also, my dad has cancer and is going through chemo (its not too too bad, just really sad), and i want to work in a sympathy angle where i subtly mention it, but I can’t just come right out and say it. So I need your help to transition my words into mentioning this. Like if I said “wow I’m really nervous, i just need to drive my dad to chemo.” Something like that, but with a smoother transition, my dad said if helps me pass, do it.

“If you really cared about the old man, you’d try harder.” Which is the kind response; I wouldn’t blame the examiner for failing the little twerp for trying to influence him.

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Amusingly stung

This brings up memories of the old Suck.com motto: “a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun.” Meet the fish:

A police department northwest of Austin says a woman was arrested after she responded to their Facebook hoax about contaminated drugs.

The hoax, posted to Facebook on Tuesday [since pulled], stated “Breaking News: Area Meth and Heroin Supply Possibly Contaminated With Ebola. Meth and Heroin recently brought in to Central Texas as well as the ingredients used to make it could be contaminated with the life threatening disease Ebola. If you have recently purchased meth or heroin in Central Texas, please take it to the local police or sheriff department so it can be screened with a special device. DO NOT use it until it has been properly checked for possible Ebola contamination! Contact any Granite Shoals PD officer for testing. Please share in hopes we get this information to anyone who has any contaminated meth or heroin that needs tested.”

Two days later, Granite Shoals Police say a “concerned citizen” brought her drugs to the police station so officers could test it. The woman, identified by police as 29-year-old Chasity Hopson, was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Is this entrapment? I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on television, and it’s been many months since I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but it occurs to me that just possessing the drug is the actual crime, and she was in possession before she notified the police.

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Desperate for amusement

This guy clearly has no idea about the size of the task he proposes:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do i make the steering wheel in my friends car turn the back tires instead of the front tires?

That said, someone willing to go to that much trouble and expense just to prank a friend should probably be exiled to Lower Slobbovia, just as a precautionary measure.

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What’s fappening now

The guy who stole all those nude photos of celebrities is pleading guilty:

Ryan Collins, a 36-year-old from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, will plead guilty in the theft of female celebrities’ nude photos.

Collins is charged with felony computer hacking and unauthorized access of a protected computer, which are illegal under the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.

From November 2012 to September 2014, Collins used a phishing scheme to collect personal account information. Collins sent emails imitating the help desks at Apple or Google and collected the victims’ usernames and passwords. From there, he accessed at least 72 email accounts and 50 iCloud accounts, where he stole personal information and photos.

The case drew wide attention in 2014 after nude photos of celebrities, including Lea Michele and Jennifer Lawrence, appeared on Reddit, 4chan and other online forums.

We know what J-Law thinks about this:

“It is not a scandal. It is a sex crime. It is a sexual violation. It’s disgusting. The law needs to be changed, and we need to change. That’s why these Web sites are responsible. Just the fact that somebody can be sexually exploited and violated, and the first thought that crosses somebody’s mind is to make a profit from it. It’s so beyond me. I just can’t imagine being that detached from humanity. I can’t imagine being that thoughtless and careless and so empty inside.”

Prosecutors have recommended 18 months in the slammer for Collins; nothing, of course, will happen to any of those Web sites.

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You might call him disgruntled

Then again, “disgusting” works at least as well:

A criminal investigation is now on its way regarding the video that shows a man urinating in a Kellogg’s factory. Kellogg company spokesperson, Kris Charles, has confirmed that an investigation showed that the video was recorded at their Memphis, Tennessee facility in 2014.

“Kellogg takes this situation very seriously and we were shocked and deeply disappointed by this video that we just learned of today,” he stated in an email to this news outlet. “We immediately alerted law enforcement authorities and regulators. A criminal investigation is underway as well as a thorough internal investigation,” Charles stated.

It’s not likely you’re going to encounter any of the tainted products:

The products affected were Rice Krispies Treats, Rice Krispies Treats cereal and puffed rice cake products. They would all be past their expiration date if produced at the date that the video was recorded.

Color me surprised that I wasn’t aware Kellogg’s had officially released a Rice Krispies Treats cereal. Then again, these days the Treats are the standard product and the actual Krispies a mere marketing variation.

This is the video. It’s not very good. Perhaps that’s just as well.

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Clearly not out of the woods

And now, a report from this sick beat:

A Nashville man is behind bars for burglary after trying to force his way into a man’s home because he was there to “save Taylor Swift.”

Oh, right. Like Taylor Swift is going to be in Nashville these days.

According to the police affidavit, 26-year-old Paul Herrin knocked on the door of a man who happens to be a landlord. Thinking it was someone dropping off a rent check, the homeowner opened the door and found Herrin, who shoved the door open and placed his left foot inside to keep the man from closing the door on him.

The homeowner instructed Herrin to leave, but Herrin continued to try and shove the door open, telling the homeowner he was there to “save Taylor Swift, his wife, and that he had every right to search the residence.”

I’m guessing Morgan Fairchild was not available for comment.

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Maximum dumbth

Warning light on dashboard? Who cares? It’s my sacred honor at stake:

My Mazda has the check engine light on but for one of the catalytic converters, But the light started to blink just about 2 hours ago. I was on the freeway and an Acura TL raced me. I hit around 105 before the transmission wouldn’t shift past 4th gear (automatic) and by this time I noticed the check engine light blinking. I began to slow down and the light kept blinking for around 5 seconds then stopped blinking and remained solid. My question is, is there anything I may have damaged other than the catalytic converter which was already damaged?

Your credibility, which will never, ever be repaired.

Seriously, what kind of stubby-fingered moron goes impromptu racing when he’s already facing a repair bill?

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More secret than the ballot

Just about everyone in the state has had this experience in the last few days:

I got no fewer than six “Unknown Caller” or “Private Caller” calls last night. I am assuming, as our primaries are March 1, that they were either representatives of one of the candidates making a “Hey, can I count on your support?” call or a pollster.

But here’s my thought: If they’re gonna call people, they should have the intestinal fortitude to code their caller ID so it turns up the name of the candidate’s campaign or says POLITICAL POLL or some such. Don’t hide behind “Unknown Caller” and hope you can TRICK people into picking up. Let people know and let them honestly decide whether they want to listen to a pre-recorded message or be asked their preferences.

My rule is not to pick up for callers that don’t list who they are, except in VERY rare cases when it’s someone I know calling from a cheap cell phone where the company doesn’t provide caller ID numbers. But you’d think a political party could shell out the bucks to be identified.

And no, none of them left messages. So maybe it wasn’t a pre-recorded “get out the vote” call, maybe it was some scammer.

These days, that’s what you’d call a distinction without a difference.

And while I’m on the subject, allow me to say that I really don’t give that much of a damn how my friends and neighbors are planning to vote: I don’t need their guidance, nor do they need mine. Besides, there’s not a whole hell of a lot I could do about it if I were concerned: even if they’re all voting for Smith, I can still vote for Jones — but only once.

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It’s scam-tastic!

There are times when I think the criminally sneaky aren’t even trying anymore, and this is one of them:

When Robert Kleven switched on the news for his drive to work two weeks ago, he had no idea he was about to sink a high-profile lawsuit against General Motors Co. and embarrass one of the best-known plaintiffs’ lawyers in the U.S.

The news anchor described a long-awaited trial starting in federal court in Manhattan that day, the first over a deadly defect in millions of GM ignition switches. The plaintiff was a 49-year-old postman named Robert Scheuer. Kleven, a real estate agent in Tulsa, Oklahoma, knew that name. Two years earlier, he said in an interview, Scheuer had pulled a fast one on him.

Scheuer had altered a government check stub to make it look like he had hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank, Kleven said. On the strength of that stub, Kleven had let Scheuer and his wife, Lisa, move in to a new house in suburban Tulsa before they had paid for it.

Said Kleven: “I didn’t want them getting away with another scam.” Let’s look at that check stub:

Check stub allegedy faked up by Robert Scheuer

Of those six digits before the decimal place, only the last three were legit. You’d think this would have been obvious after a cursory inspection.

Scheuer’s attorney, Robert Hilliard, was apparently readying a strategy to portray Scheuer and his wife as the All-American Family whose lives had been ruined when their Saturn Ion went berserk and crashed into a tree. Unanswered: the question of why someone with 400k to toss around would be driving a Saturn Ion, fercrissake.

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Careful with that revisionism, Eugene

This is one of the reasons why contemporary satirists simply can’t keep up anymore:

Student leaders at the University of Oregon debated removing a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. from its student center, arguing that the quote was not inclusive enough for modern understandings of diversity.

Oregon’s Erb Memorial Union, which is currently under renovation, had the following famous King quote on the wall: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. I have a dream…”

But as renovation continues, the Oregon Student Union seriously considered replacing that quote. “The quote is not going to change,” reports student paper Oregon Daily Emerald, “but that decision was not made without some hard thought by the Student Union Board.”

It may have been hard, but it sure as hell wasn’t thought.

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Beyond “birthers”

Now here’s a losing loser who loses:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I change my birth certificate so that no one finds out I was born in a city with a Spanish, not Anglo-sounding name?

The justification offered for this is totally absurd:

I’m sorry, but this is a problem some of us face. I know a lot of fine people who have to cover up the fact that we were born in cities in the USA with Spanish names like San Francisco, Santa Barbara, San Diego, Santa Cruz, etc.

It is not refined. Places like Newport, New Haven, Manhattan, etc. are refined. I don’t want to be associated with a place that has a name derived from people who are Romanist in religion and whose colonies are not of the right social standing.

Update: Yes, but a birth certificate can be forged. Sorry, but I will not go through life with a birthplace associated with Roman Catholicism, spicy food, and antagonism towards the British Crown.

Shorter version: “My parents weren’t WASPs, therefore my life is ruined.”

Troll possibility: Rather high. Then again, someone who would go to this much trouble to come up with an incredibly stupid tale of woe doesn’t have much of a life anyway, by definition. Once I get the time machine working, I’m sending this doofus back to 1884.

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The feeling is almost certainly mutual

We’ve all seen better trolls than this, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is their an interplanetary dating site for those like me not interested in humans?

I was going to suggest to him “You might try looking up Uranus,” but I might need that line for something worthwhile some day.

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Citation unneeded

There’s a practical limit to how much you can squeeze into 140 characters, and by now you’d think that everyone would know that. Apparently not:

I sometimes wonder how narcissists manage to get by in the world unless they’re wealthy or politically influential enough to attract a flock of sycophants eager to tell them that their egocentric Weltanschauung is correct. It must be crushing for them to be reminded on a daily basis that the universe absolutely does not give a shit about them, and that most of their fellow humans care hardly a particle more than that. Of course, I’m assuming that they aren’t completely delusional; perhaps they go about distorting everything they hear and experience until it supports their own grotesquely-inflated sense of self-importance. I can’t imagine any other way that some random tweeter with a couple of dozen followers could actually expect a positive response to his demands that I produce citations and links for statements made in 140-character tweets. Yet I encountered not one but several of these last week; these champions of Not Getting It apparently failed to grasp the difference between a tweet and an academic paper until I none-too-gently reminded them that a tweet looks like this and an academic paper like this.

I have seen activists tweet back at people to the effect of “Shouldn’t you be getting your own information?” At first this seemed a bit high-handed; but it eventually occurred to me that finding my own links to stuff would stick better than just having them give me a bunch of links to stuff, and besides, there’s a better chance I’d hear more than a single side to the story while doing my own searching. So no, I don’t consider anyone responsible for my continuing education, except for myself.

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Beat on the bot

How many of you would be delighted to see someone like this suspended?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to auto tweet without getting your account suspended?

A bit of self-justification here:

My twitter got suspended though they were not specific why. They just said multiple violations to the twitter policies. Yeah really big help. I assumed it was because I was auto tweeting from google alerts. How am I suppose to tweet a lot of news from google when I don’t want to sit here all day doing so? How do some people get their accounts suspended for auto tweeting and some don’t? I have a life and don’t want to sit here all day long tweeting news from google alerts manually. Do they automatically tweet stuff just once in a while, one a day, once a week or what?

Darlin’, if you’re tweeting nothing but news from Google, by definition you have no life. And the likelihood that you’d get any followers is pretty close to zip.

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Worth less than nothing

Some people may sympathize with these folks, but I don’t:

I read that banks collected $30 billion in overdraft fees last year. That’s like $100 from every person in the country. I can imagine that there are a few flakes who have so much money they can be careless with it, and if they run up a thousand dollars in overdraft fees a month it’s no big deal. But there aren’t very many of those folks. I’ve had a couple or three overdraft charges in my life, and I life to think that I am not out of the ordinary. To make up for all the people who keep track of their money and for all the ones who don’t even have a bank account, there must be a bunch of people incurring $1000 worth of charges a year, like one person out of ten. I just don’t get it. Doesn’t $1,000 mean anything anymore?

It’s worse than you might think. With the general decline in check usage and a concomitant increase in payment-card usage — at 42nd and Treadmill, our business is now about 70 percent plastic — about the only people actually paying these fees are the few remaining check writers with no money and the people who get charged for using their overdraft protection. Deadbeats without overdraft protection have their debit cards declined, and we see about fifty of them a week. For one of the nichiest of niche markets, that’s a hell of a lot of people who are, to borrow a Briticism, totally skint. This wouldn’t bother me so much if they’d take that first decline as a warning, but they don’t: I’ve seen people present the same bad card — or worse, a whole portfolio of bad cards — week after week. Once is a mistake, maybe; twice is stupidity; three times is fraud.

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Not the right pitch

In fact, I’d say that this was downright tone-deaf. From 2013:

A New York attorney told a judge that a 25-year sentence was too long for a man convicted of murdering a transgender women because her life was not as valuable as someone “in the higher end of the community.”

“A sentence of 25 years to life is an incredibly long period of time, judge,” said attorney John Scarpa, when asking the judge for leniency on Rasheen Everett, who was convicted for the 2010 murder of Amanda Gonzalez-Andujar.

“Shouldn’t that [sentence] be reserved for people who are guilty of killing certain classes of individuals?” he asked.

Real subtle there, John.

Gonzalez-Andujar had been a sex worker; Everett, it seems, considered himself a victim of a bait-and-switch scheme. The judge, however, was not having any of Scarpa’s dick move:

Queens Supreme Court Justice Richard Buchter scolded Scarpa as he sentenced Everett… “This court believes every human life is sacred,” he said.

Thank you, sir.

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Service less selective

I could have understood this, maybe, had it been asked 45 years ago:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If you masturbate before the MEPS military pee test, is it true you'll fail because high protein shows up which makes it look like kidney?

Apparently he’s serious:

Problems? Anyone who’s been to the military entrance processing station and knows FOR SURE, will you fail?

Clearly this lad is not keen on joining our All-Volunteer Armed Forces, so I have to assume someone’s twisting his arm. And apparently he’s not in contact with anyone else his age, since pretty much all of them are choking the chicken on a regular basis yet no one is ever sent back home.

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Sheer balls

Everything you’ve ever heard about “jailhouse lawyers” was leading up to this:

An inmate who escaped from a high-rise federal jail in Chicago has an unusual theory on who’s to blame: He says the government was negligent in enabling the breakout, so he sued for $10 million for damages.

The 7th U.S. Court of Appeals said in a Friday ruling that Jose Banks “gets credit for chutzpah.” But a three-judge panel at the Chicago-based court tossed his 2014 lawsuit.

“No one has a personal right to be better guarded or more securely restrained, so as to be unable to commit a crime,” the ruling said.

I think it’s probably reasonable to assume that Mr Banks was under a lot of stress during his escape:

In a 2012 jailbreak, Banks and a cellmate rappelled 17 stories down on a rope fashioned from bed sheets and dental floss, then hailed a cab. Banks, now 40, was caught within days and his cellmate within weeks.

Banks’ suit says the damages he suffered from the escape included the trauma of dangling on the makeshift rope in fear of his life.

On the upside, the jail now has an explanation for that sudden upsurge in dental floss consumption.

(Via Fark.)

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She doesn’t have to shoot you now

National Lampoon Death IssuePerhaps the most famous National Lampoon cover of them all was January 1973, the Death Issue, in which the threat was made: “If You Don’t Buy This Magazine, We’ll Kill This Dog.” Of course, nobody in those halcyon days of 1973 would ever consider actually shooting a dog.

But that was then in New York City, and this is 2015 in Troupe, Texas:

The ad began, “I need someone to come shoot my dog.” It went on to lament, “no one here has the heart to do it.”

The owner finished off by offering to help, adding, “we will provide the gun.”

So generous, this owner. Who, mercifully, is no longer the owner:

Three-year-old Cinnamon isn’t dead, but she does have a new place to stay.

Animal control officers alerted to the message quickly picked up the Saint Bernard/English bulldog mix. KHOU reports the animal’s owner told them the large dog had become too much to care for and wouldn’t stay out of the trash.

No charges will be filed, since no shooting was actually performed. And frankly, a Saint Bernard/anything mix is likely to be a bit, um, unsmallish.

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Beyond any possible quantity of Kool-Aid

Whatever this nimrod has been drinking, it’s done hellacious damage:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Reasons why the rich and famous won't leave earth due to a supposed asteroid. Also reasons why the world WON'T end in Sept 2015 please read

If you insist on reading:

So many celebrities are my role models like Patricia Hodge and Ashleigh Ball (‘Littlest Pet Shop’), and you have no idea how hurtful it is that they use all their hard work to keep a secret with the government and leave earth. I feel betrayed! I hope to heaven it’s not true! Also, I need scientific reasons why the world won’t end this month. Scientific and mature reasons for why the world isn’t going to end. Thank you for your time adressing this.

Were there true balance in the universe, this kid would be stumbling in front of a speeding bus on the first of October.

And even the Sweet Meteor O’Death isn’t due until after the first of the year.

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Dumping foreseen

You know how they’re always saying “Don’t be that guy”? This is a guy you don’t want to be:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I need some pics of girls to prove to my girlfriend that I'm experienced with getting nudes of girls. She wont send em without proof. Help!?

I’m guessing she’s already figured out that this guy contains a significant percentage of weasel DNA.

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All right, out of the gene pool

As asshats go, this guy qualifies at least as Sombrero of the Sphincter:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to make other drivers mad on the road?

Further evidence of dementia:

I need some ideas on how to make some drivers angry on the road tomorrow. I will be driving through county roads, one-lane. I love it when they flip me off, tailgate me and do those crazy hand gestures (trucks too).

I want to see how much he loves it when one of them points a shotgun at him.

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