Archive for Worth a Fork

Mr. Swift declines

He did say, however, that he appreciated the choice of entrées:

Please initial your choice of entree

Note: I found this on Twitter the day before yesterday, and scheduled a post; the person who tweeted it later decided to make his timeline private, so it was no longer available.

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Buckets o’ fun

So what would you do if a Secret Recipe came over the transom?

Our mission: find out if 11 ingredients handwritten on a piece of paper could be the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices that go into Kentucky Fried Chicken’s Original Recipe — a closely guarded formula that remains one of the world’s biggest culinary mysteries.

The recipe came to us by way of Colonel Harland Sanders’ nephew, Joe Ledington of Kentucky. He says he found it in a scrapbook belonging to his late Aunt Claudia, Sanders’ second wife. Ledington, 67, says he used to blend the spices that went into his uncle’s world-famous fried chicken, and the recipe in question is the real deal.

We wanted to see — make that taste — for ourselves. So we put it to the test.

I won’t spoil it for you, except to suggest that there might be a twelfth ingredient.

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Groceries 2.0

For the first time in two months, I had to restock groceries today, a task I was not at all feeling up to, what with this whole not-walking scheme. A friend suggested yesterday that I should try the Walmart Online Grocery system, and while I am not overly fond of Walmart, I am less fond of traipsing through a store when my traipsing equipment is below par.

So last night I went to the Web site they’d set up just for this function: grocery.walmart.com. Apparently it gives you the option to order online if it detects your IP address as being near one of their participating stores. (I am not quite two miles from the Belle Isle Supercenter.) The user interface was fairly intuitive, bumping up quantities was simple, and I rang up 18 items in short order. What’s more, since I’m a new customer and all, they knocked $10 off my initial over-$50 order.

I set pickup for today at 1 pm. At precisely a quarter to one, they called me to remind me. The instructions: call when you’re within 10 minutes of arrival. There are dedicated parking spaces on the side of the store. I called in, described my car (nothing you don’t already know), and took a space in the middle. Within about a minute they’d brought out a cart with all my goodies and loaded up the trunk. (Well, almost all my goodies; they’d substituted A&W root beer for Mug. I was fine with that.) Standard rule: “chemicals” (dish soap, for instance) are stashed on the right side. I was home before 1:30, though it took me three trips across the garage to move a dozen plastic bags of stuff out of the trunk. And apparently I got a price break on one item between last night and today.

Would I recommend this? If you have no emotional objections to all things Walmart, then certainly. The selections are somewhat limited compared to what’s in the store, but I noticed no items that were conspicuous by their utter absence. They did give me a small bag of samples I might want to try. And yes, there’s the inevitable survey: but it has only one line.

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Remote forage

From early on in The Sparkle Chronicles:

Next day at 5:56, the doorbell rang, and my heart did a couple of half-gainers off Kilimanjaro. It was the evening repast: bean sprouts and hummus and stuff Fluttershy wouldn’t dare feed Angel and sort-of-freshly baked bread and a couple of bottles of what was probably filtered tap water from Wichita. I was sufficiently crazed to demand no change from two twenties. The fellow’s truck — what, he didn’t ride a bicycle? — had just barely cleared the driveway when the feeble little bleep of my thirty-year-old wristwatch announced the hour, and an oval of light appeared on the concrete.

This paragraph was done with a local firm in mind, though I admit I hadn’t actually patronized that firm at the time. Now I have.

Dining Delivery Express of Oklahoma City, better known by its phone number — 858-TOGO — takes orders for participating eateries and arranges for delivery to your very porch. For those of us who aren’t in the mood to go crawl across town, this is ideal, if a tad pricey: a flat $5.99 delivery fee, plus an appropriate tip to the driver. Anyway, this was tonight’s decidedly not vegetarian repast:

858-TOGO invoice for Oklahoma Station BBQ

Ended up being close to $30 when it was all done, but it was worth it, and delivery took less than half an hour, competitive with the pizza parlors. Considering that my typical pizza order ends up over $20, and that barbecue joints are not known for being economical, I’m not about to complain.

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More than a Colonel of truth

Suddenly I’m kind of hungry:

Kentucky Fried Chicken ad from October 1964

Neither of these locations remains open. Then again, as you might have inferred from the prices, this was a long time ago.

(Source: The Oklahoma Journal, 1 October 1964.)

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Let’s call it an off-flavor

And then we should probably leave it at that:

Ass Sandwiches

(From Bad Menu via Miss Cellania.)

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Bar none, or few anyway

Picture, if you will, a deep-fried Mars bar:

Which again, I wouldn’t want to eat because fried and my gut would pay the price and I don’t think it’s worth it to me, but the author made an interesting comment: that deep fried Mars bars are seen as the ultimate in low-class food by many, but, he said, put a well-prepared one on a fancy plate with a fancy name (and fancy price) and people would rave about how the flaky crust and the melting chocolate and caramel and fondant (I think a British Mars bar is what we call a Milky Way?) and how it was a gourmet treat.

I’d hate to have to explain the American Mars bar to a space invader:

The worldwide Mars bar differs from that sold in the US. The American version was discontinued in 2002 and was replaced with the slightly different Snickers Almond featuring nougat, almonds, and a milk chocolate coating. Unlike the American Mars bar, however, Snickers Almond also contains caramel. The US version of the Mars bar was relaunched in January 2010 and is initially being sold on an exclusive basis through Walmart stores. The European version of the Mars bar is also sold in some United States grocery stores. It was once again discontinued at the end of 2011.

The British and Canadian Mars bars are very similar to the United States Milky Way bar, which Mars, Inc. produced (not to be confused with the European version of Milky Way, which is similar to the United States’ 3 Musketeers).

The only Mars bar I truly understand, I think, is sold in the States as “Milky Way Midnight Dark,” which when I was a kid was called “Forever Yours.”

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Hominy and understanding

A wonderfully Hair-y sign:

This is the awning of the cage of asparagus

(Via Miss Cellania.)

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He’s a dawg

The Oklahoma City Dodgers are promoting what they call a Cali Club:

Cali Club at Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark

Components:

Guacamole, diced tomatoes, pepper jack cheese, and shredded lettuce on an all-beef hot dog!

Ask about it at Franx.

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It’s weaponized!

With bacon, the question always is “What can’t it do?” See, for instance, this oh-so-British incident:

On her way to the market, an 86-year-old woman stopped by an ATM, according to the Greater Manchester Police’s Facebook page via Time, and when she started off home, she wasn’t alone. As she pushed her cart full of groceries out of the store, she was “challenged by an unknown female who grabbed her trolley and demanded the money she had withdrawn.” Instead of handing over the pounds, the elderly woman beat the thief with meat until her attacker ran away. Who knew bacon was so lethal?

[insert “meat beating” joke here]

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I do believe it’s true

Now, about those seeds:

boneless watermelon

(Via Todd Wilbur.)

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Gut reaction

This isn’t quite the British equivalent of “Here, hold my beer,” but it’s close:

A man was rushed to hospital, suffering from severe stomach pains, after eating three chicken wings doused in sauce made from what is thought to be the world’s hottest chili pepper.

Mark McNeil, 36, was hoping to be able to eat ten of the chicken wings to win a competition.

Despite being given advice at the University Hospital of North Tees for severe stomach pain, he is looking to try again in the competition which is held at The George on Stockton High Street.

The pepper in question?

The Carolina Reaper, originally named the HP22B, is a cultivar of chili pepper of the Capsicum chinense species. It is currently the hottest pepper in the world.

On the Scoville scale, where the jalapeño rates somewhere below 10,000, the Reaper checks in well beyond a million.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

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Dough, boy

I’m not sure I believe a word of this. That said, there are thieves, and then — well, there’s this guy:

Martin Klein, 41, of Las Vegas, was arrested after a shoplifting incident turned horribly wrong. According to reports, Mr. Klein and his partner, Jerry Weis, had stolen several grocery items from the Las Vegas Walmart.

Reportedly, Klein and Weis had entered the Las Vegas Walmart at approximately 11 A.M. and headed towards the breakfast food aisle. Both of the men had taken several cans of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls from the aisle and headed towards the bathroom. According to CCTV footage, Klein and his partner entered the restroom and stayed inside for nearly 20 minutes before exiting.

I’m not sure you want to know how this worked out:

According to eyewitnesses, the EMT that treated Klein on the scene said the Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll can exploded due to the amount of pressure inside Klein’s anus coupled with the shock of the fall. The can and its contents were removed from Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein was treated for his injuries and then placed into the custody of Las Vegas Police. Jerry Weis, the other suspect in the shoplifting incident, was also arrested. Weis gave a bizarre statement to authorities upon his arrest: “I hope my Mr. Martini will be ok. We just wanted to spice up the love making tonight with something sweet and thought that some Cinnamon Rolls would do the trick. Well at least my darling got the Cinnabuns he wanted. I hope he has some leftovers for me to try.”

Trolling level: Grands.

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Lost in the sauce once again

Jay Friedman says that salt and pepper are for sexual squares:

Describing store customers who are “repulsed” by more exotic spice combinations, Friedman argues that people who stick to salt and pepper “have a strict recipe for life … believe in sex for procreation only” and live their lives “in fear of falling off the edge.” Hence they seek “refuge in rules and regulations.”

He continues with the theme, saying people who keep their spices simple are the driving forces behind “anti-gay, anti-birth control, anti-sex education sentiment.”

They are “anti-sex and anti-pleasure, with such sentiment sometimes turning hostile,” Friedman writes. Never missing a chance to mention that he’s a sex educator, he continues that “I’ve endured angry confrontation, received hate mail, and faced vitriol that’s escalated to the level of death threats.”

Well, we certainly don’t have to traffic in vitriol. How about this: Friedman leaves me alone about my steak au poivre, and I don’t suggest that he find an anal application for sriracha.

(Via Weasel Zippers.)

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Twenty years from now it will be mandatory

So I distrust this, as I distrust all such pronouncements. But for now, the Food Police are boasting of their latest easy bust:

Breaking news: Everything fun causes death.

The FDA, aka, killjoys, has said it is no longer safe to eat raw cookie dough — even if you’re using one of those Pinterest recipes that doesn’t use raw eggs, according to the Indy News. In fact, the administration said in a new consumer update posted Tuesday, it’s not safe to eat raw flour in any form. Not homemade “play dough,” not licking the spoon of brownie batter. Nothing.

The FDA never finds a thing in the world wrong with, for instance, autostart video.

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And the lines are drawn

The first thing I noticed was that the food was much better down here in rehab. So I started comparing notes, and eventually arrived at the truth of the matter: the Happy Healers imposed several dietary restrictions on me, so I got gruel, or worse, diet gruel. In rehab, all I face is a 75-gm cap on carbs.

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I’ve had worse

And perhaps so have you:

What I ate today:

  • coffee
  • 1 banana
  • apple slices with almond butter
  • 3 carrots w/ tahini (This tahini isn’t raw.)
  • jicama
  • salad w/ mixed lettuce, tomatoes, pine nuts, avocado, white balsamic vinegar, olive oil, nutritional yeast
  • 1 zucchini
  • coffee
  • Bragg’s Organic Apple Cider Vinegar Drink (Acquired taste.)
  • 6 Kalamata olives

She said “coffee” twice.

And some folks are perfectly happy with that. It makes me want an Eskimo Pie.

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Vaya con queso

If I were to list all the individuals with whom I might associate quesadillas, William Shatner would probably be second from the bottom. Still:

Shatner Quesadilla via Bad Menu

First from the bottom? After the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Make yourself a meal

An idea by Roberta X takes root, and a tasty root it is:

There would probably be limits on second helpings, purely for logistical reasons.

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Fear of Florida

Okay, not fear exactly, but maybe some deep-dish, dark premonitions:

I believe I’m going to have to FORGET ABOUT ACTUAL PIZZA after I move to Florida and just accept that Stouffer’s French bread pizza is the closest I’m ever going to get to actual PIZZA ever again.

I also believe I’m going to be sweaty and have bad hair forever.

And maybe have a 120 degree car interior waiting for me wherever I go.

Tell me that I’m wrong.

You’re wrong — about the pizza anyway. About one-third of the population of Florida is transplanted from New York and/or New Jersey; perhaps one-third of the pizza joints are operated by escapees from the Tri-State Area, so I don’t really think a Jersey girl is going to have a problem with that.

Admittedly, the combination of 90-degree heat and 90-percent humidity will play hell with everything else. On the upside, you won’t have to move your car when the snowplow comes through.

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Should have called it “Oreoboros”

What we have here, if you remember your “Cookies and Creme” ice cream, is essentially Oreo-flavored Oreos:

Oreo Cookies & Creme

Available exclusively at Walmart stores during 2017.

Me, I think I’d have a few of these for dessert after a dinner of, say, Chicken-Fried Chicken.

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I just canteloupe

Does one actually eat these?

Hello Kitty melon

The price is — well, you’ve seen worse:

[T]his year’s Hello Kitty Furano melons are an absolute steal at 5,500 yen (US$51.62) each. Grown in Furano, Hokkaido, one of the country’s best growing regions for the fruit, the special melon weighs roughly 1.8 kilograms (3.97 pounds), and stands out from its cheaper counterparts as the cutest in its field, with a distinctive Hello Kitty-shaped netting on its surface.

If this doesn’t sound inexpensive to you, do not read about the two non-Kitty melons auctioned off in Hokkaido last month for ¥3,000,000 the pair (US $27,240).

Only 300 will be available, and apparently they don’t ship outside Japan.

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Score this as a W

A Swedish court has ruled that M&Ms have the wrong sort of M:

The Stockholm Court of Appeals has barred Mars from selling its candy-covered chocolates using the lower-case “m&m” name in the country, judging it resembled a local brand too closely.

If Mars doesn’t appeal the ruling granting exclusive rights to Marabou for its “m” chocolate-covered almonds and peanuts, it will have to use the capital M&M logo in Sweden starting in July, or face fines of up to $246,000.

The Marabou brand belongs to snacks giant Mondelēz, maker of Oreo cookies and Cadbury and Toblerone chocolates.

Said snacks giant defends itself well:

In January, Nestlé lost its case to trademark the finger shape of its KitKat bars as a British court ruled that a Norwegian bar, called Kvikk Lunsj — also owned by Mondelēz — was entitled to use the same shape.

(Via @fussfactory.)

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Presumably an unhappy ending

Paracanthurus hepatus, we hardly knew ye.

(Via Laura Northrup.)

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Real cheezy there, Herb

Same great taste, now at three times the price!

Downside: Not as tasty as Fritos.

Upside: Probably tastier than kale.

(Via Felix Salmon.)

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The path of yeast resistance

Brian J. polishes off about one-half of one percent of a jar of Vegemite:

I mean, I grew up in poverty, but my family was not poor enough to serve this.

I’m blessed to have grown up in a bountiful land where one can go pick food from outdoors instead of a desert surrounded by twenty-foot-long crocodiles.

The wikihistory of Vegemite is that an entrepreneur wanted to make a food out of industrial by-products. And he did it.

God help me, I saw in the Wiki entry that they use it as a pastry filling. I suspect that the Australians do this to keep other people away from their doughnuts.

You know why Australian rules football is so vicious? The winners get a Vegemite sandwich. The losers get a year’s supply of Vegemite and a sixty-DVD Paul Hogan complete film set.

This is not unlike Steve Harvey’s reaction:

“Sounds like a pesticide. That about damn near what it tastes like.”

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And then something rises

Sometimes it’s the simplest things that keep you going:

I’ve had smaller, less intense dissociative episodes almost constantly, in addition to chest pains, anxiety attacks, and other symptoms. I have difficulty believing that I am really here, that my life is real, that the world around me isn’t a dream. I feel like I flicker in and out of reality.

But baking helps. Baking is something that knits my body and soul together, calming the mind that is so desperate to escape. My body becomes an anchor to the real world. Baking is tactile, purposeful, and produces a usable result (most of the time). Due to years of unemployment, under-employment, and abusive workplaces, food has not always been a guarantee. I’ve had to choose between keeping my phone connected, feeding my cat, or buying groceries for myself. Things are still tight. I have no hope of owning a car any time soon. I’ll never own a house or be able to retire. Some weeks, all I can afford to eat is cheap pasta. But as long as I have flour, water, yeast, and salt, I can make bread. Bread takes on a new importance when it is an essential part of a meal plan. It may not be exciting, but it’s always nourishing, always filling, always simply there. It’s not a feast, but it is food. It keeps me going.

I may tell myself that I reposted this here for you, but I suspect I reposted this here mostly for me.

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Non-refillable, non-disposable

Oh, wait, you can refill it, provided you meet certain requirements:

One should not present me with temptations like this. Who knows what I might put into that bottle?

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Put it on your Bucket List

I mean, they still sell KFC by the bucket, don’t they?

There’s a precedent for beauty products inspired by fast food: Last year Burger King Japan released a cologne designed to smell like flame-grilled beef patties. But the new effort from KFC in Hong Kong is arguably more bizarre.

Working with Ogilvy & Mather, KFC launched two edible nail polishes with flavors based on the brand’s best-loved recipes: Original and Hot & Spicy.

As Ogilvy explains in a release: “To use, consumers simply apply and dry like regular nail polish, and then lick — again and again and again.”

And KFC certainly can’t object to your finger-lickin’, can they?

Still, I have to wonder if this sort of thing is making Colonel Sanders rotate at faster-than-rotisserie speeds.

(Via Vandana Puranik.)

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Mr. Jerkbar

Apparently chocolate isn’t the draw it used to be:

American protein fiends who want a break from yogurt cups and Clif bars will soon have another option: meat bars.

Starting this summer, Hershey’s will introduce a souped up version of jerky from its Krave Pure Foods division, which the company acquired last year. If the concept is a bit bizarre, so are the flavors: black cherry barbecue, basil citrus and pineapple orange. Meat snacks are a tiny category in the US, said Marcel Nahm, the vice president of US snacks for Hershey’s. But as more consumers pore over food labels to find healthier, protein-packed snacks, more food companies are banking on health foods becoming a lasting trend.

Jack Link was not available for comment.

(Via Keaton Fox.)

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