Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (539)

And yet again, it’s time for a romp through the search strings that brought people to this site, possibly the very people with fake medical-alert bracelets that say “Delete My Browser History.” (Hey, you never know, right?)

cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. the cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning that each soda has a 1/6 probability of winning. cody sees this and buys six of these sodas, thinking he is guaranteed a seventh. what is the true probability he will win at least one more soda?  How long has this guy been in Congress?

what are transmission problems:  What you have when your car won’t shift gears and you can’t understand why, it’s always done them before.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  And she said, “Geez, this is worse than transmission problems.”

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base. this was an example of:  Why you pay so much more for free-range birds.

oppression definition:  “They have it, and I want it, and they should be compelled to give it to me.”

i was batman:  Sure you were, old fellow. Sure you were. Now take two of these and call me in the morning.

curry airball:  It happens, but not often enough.

“roto rooter” “nude”:  I don’t think I’d want to risk getting any of that yucky stuff on me.

down at the heels:  Not the ideal place for your thong, at least on the street.

birthday nudist:  Hence the phrase “birthday suit.”

al gore keeping the dream alive:  Not a problem; the earth has never come close to running out of suckers.

dick owns a dog whose barking annoys dicks neighbor jane. suppose that the benefit of owning the dog is worth $700 to dick and that jane bears a cost of $500 from the barking. assuming dick has the legal right to keep the dog, a possible private solution to this problem is that:  Dogs should not be owned by dicks.

how early can i refill my klonopin:  This is what happens when you take three or four at a time.

canned hate:  Now largely supplanted in the marketplace by canned whoopass.

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Strange search-engine queries (538)

This feature appears every week at approximately this time, in lieu of New Content. Its components: search strings extracted from the traces left by recent visitors to this site, and aimless grumbling contributed by yours truly.

how much is the oklahoma lottery:  Starts at a dollar, ends at the poorhouse.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  You want some Anglo-Saxon, I’ll show you some goddamn Anglo-Saxon.

mammalian protuberances:  Or “boobs,” if you prefer Anglo-Saxon.

perverse adolescent lesbo seduces eastern milf:  At some point, boobs were a factor.

superheroine trapped:  Some heroines are more super than others. (Hint: boobs are not a factor.)

georgian politicians private life (sex, oral, anal, orgy total of 12:42 minutes:  Well, you’re not picky, are you?

what to do when being followed:  Follow back, or block.

hardest pullout position:  For some reason, we’ve never been able to persuade American forces to withdraw from the District of Columbia.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day rectum:  No, I wouldn’t, asshole.

why did kevin klutz give up tap dancing:  Um, he fell down a lot?

why can’t i sleep at night yahoo answers:  Were I as dumb as those yobbos, I’d probably have sleepless nights of my own.

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:   See the article “Second Trump Administration.”

clothed nudist:  How would you know?

a field guide to awkward silences:  [crickets]

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Strange search-engine queries (537)

Every Monday morning we shake the dew off the lily, wash and dry, and then sort through a thousand or so log entries, looking for the inspirations of people out there who are looking for things. Some of the things they look for — well, take a look for yourself:

+meaning of are you in to big titis or a huge ass:  If you have to ask, you’re not going to encounter much of either.

2016 hyundai azera spanish fork:  Optional when you order the Romance Languages Flatware option ($295).

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  A desperate plea for extra credit.

warren spends all his income on dvds and beer, currently consuming three dvds and ten beers. suppose the price of beer rises. we can infer that:  Warren will switch to Neflix and hopes to be able to chill.

bonds womens pantyhose 70d opaque electric blue average/tall:  Okay, you have my attention. Unless you’re talking about Bobby Bonds.

when bob noticed a pain in his thigh, he was convinced it was a sign of bone cancer. although x-rays revealed no sign of cancer, bob sought the opinions of a dozen other physicians who agreed with the original opinion. what:  Bob did not know is that eleven of those doctors were out of network and he was billed for $63,000.

tg://resolve?domain=stalin_gulag:  For some reason, the Solzhenitsyn function has fallen into desuetude.

bratty sisters converted to sex bots:  You have more faith in contemporary debrattification techniques than I do.

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  The sort of person who forgets to pay his property taxes for three years and ends up on the street drinking RoundUp.

gigger bites:  “Gigger”? Please.

barely-melted capacitor:  Connect the power supply just one more time. Let’s see if we can melt that sucker for good.

i love her yahoo answers:  Wait until you find out the reason why she was posting as Anonymous.

which one is beavis:  The one who looks more like Ted Cruz.

powered by gossamer links perversity:  Is that the new name for Tumblr?

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Strange search-engine queries (536)

Data-acquisition methods have changed somewhat over the ten years we’ve been doing this feature, but the motivation remains exactly the same: find out what people are searching for, and make fun of it whenever possible.

are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree:  You wanna try telling a goat it can’t go up a tree?

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of pornography. he gives endless examples of smut he has seen in movies and on television, and spends a lot of time hanging around porno houses to get even more examples:  And his right palm is covered in coarse, sticky hair.

unmitigatedly cute 18y.o. virgin skinny young teen & compacted breast strip:  That you, Mark?

10000 leagues under my nutsack:  No, maybe that’s Mark.

definition of a nerve:  Whatever it is, Mark’s got a lot of it.

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base:  Perhaps if you built a road perpendicular to the base path.

oldest known board game: Um, Great-Uncle Wiggily?

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  To buy a brand-new car, because, by golly, she deserves one.

barista salaries:  I hope they make more than Sofia.

relative silence:  Most people’s relatives are anything but silent.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink, 6 blue, 7 orange, 9 yellow, and 3 green marshmallows. he picked one of the marshmallows from the bag:  And somewhere, a leprechaun died.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy rectum:  Not here, you won’t.

meghan trainor tongue:  Her tongue is No. (You need to let it go.)

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Strange search-engine queries (535)

This weekly feature looks for the best of recent search strings that brought Web surfers to this site — and, of course, promptly discards them in favor of the worst.

used datsun whitfield for sale:  Whitfield? Is that like a Sentra?

what kind of sexy, audacious, political, scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times?  Yeah, right. “Sexy” is about as “audacious” these days as the weather report in San Diego.

“lowe’s” “smut”:  Some of those tools have, um, power.

matt derives all of his utility from consuming milkshakes; he devotes his entire $20 allowance to milkshakes each week. suppose the price of milkshakes rise from $2 to $4. compute matt’s equivalent variation (ev) of this price increase:  Trust me, there will be blood.

martha’s milkshake company buys earthquake insurance from the stable ground insurance company. based on this purchase, economists would conclude that:  Matt has been drinking her milkshake, and hang the price.

jane’s candy shack was a quaint shop, in a small town, with high end items that never attracted many customers. its failure was probably attributable to failure to:  Offer milkshakes at half price.

water cooled smartphone:  Probably not intentionally so.

j has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. while trimming the hedges, j cuts off one of his fingers. what is the maximum j will receive from his policy?  The insurance company will happily give him the finger.

a horrible experience of unbearable length:  The next political debate.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly. if she succeeds in this and similar endeavors, this will help her to:  Break her fool neck.

my gummy bear dies my unicorn ran away:  But you still have Bernie.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  A couple of unexpected prom invitations.

fingering doesnt work:  Geez, and I thought I was inept.

lino’s grandmother always said, “feed a fever; starve a cold.” why would it be advisable to increase calories when experiencing a fever?  Well, fingering doesn’t work.

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Strange search-engine queries (534)

As a general rule, Google and its ilk will not send you more than 1000 results for any given search. Despite this rule, it’s relatively easy for a search to end up here, there being six million words or so to choose from. All of these somehow did:

German lass Milf Patriarch sleeps with teen boyish sub subsequently game:  I can’t help but think we’re not getting the whole story here.

bobby stole money from the local grocery store on the corner to buy beer. he later assaulted a 72-year-old woman and stole her purse. in the alley, he dumped the purse, went to starbucks for a cup of coffee, and proceeded to take the train to the suburbs. on the train, someone stepped on his shoes:  And Bobby shot him, because oppression.

“like”, “um”, and “you know” are all examples of:  Whatever.

what should i do with my life:  While you still have time, spend some of it away from the keyboard.

during a long drive, tony counted the number of pickups and sedans he saw driving in the opposite direction. after a while, he noticed that on average there were 5 sedans for every 2 pickups. at this ratio, how many sedans would he have counted if he had passed 18 pickups?  Evidently Tony was not in Texas, where pickups outnumber sedans about five to one.

microwaveable pork rinds where to buy:  Probably not in Qatar. Yet.

mike bought 200 shares of pdq stock on margin at $15/share. the stock increased to $21/share. what was mike’s profit?  Under Bernie Sanders’ tax plan, 53 cents.

darth vader water pipe:  “I have altered the flow. Pray I do not alter it further.”

mine flex:  Well, at least somebody’s do.

brother jukebox sister wine:  Part of the extended family of Uncle Kracker.

3.39 inches:  Current Tinder value of “seven inches.”

definition of delayed gratification:  I’ll tell you later.

crummier definition:  You can’t get much crummier than that.

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Strange search-engine queries (533)

It is often (for various definitions of “often”) asked, “What would Monday be like without strange search-engine queries?” The answer, of course, is “It’s Monday; it’s going to suck, because that’s what Mondays do.” Hasn’t stopped us from compiling the queries, though, nor will it.

list of animals with fraudulent degrees:  I never could understand how Wile E. Coyote became an official Super Genius.

itunes skips to next song halfway through:  Maybe it couldn’t stand listening to that first song.

walmart tunnels snopes:  Hadn’t heard that one, though I dream of some day seeing a Sam’s Club built atop an active volcano.

ivan just spent an evening watching:  And if Svetlana ever found out, she would have him reported to the secret police.

during her speech on creating a healthier environment, maureen stated that more laws should be in effect to protect the environment because her town had a littering problem. which fallacy was maureen demonstrating?  The one that supports the idea that covering the countryside with signage will somehow motivate people to stop throwing their burger wrappers out of the car window.

used kia optima chesterton:  Somehow I can’t see Chesterton driving a Korean automobile; he always struck me as the Ford Popular type.

georgian politicians private life (sex, oral, anal, orgy total of 12:42 minutes): Tblisi. (Which is Georgian for “Giggity.”)

why did kevin klutz give up tap dancing answers:  He fell down a lot?

microwaveable pork rinds where to buy:  I’m guessing this request didn’t come from the United Arab Emirates.

hot water heaters:  If you already have hot water, why would you need to heat it?

rah rah ree kick em in the knee origin:  Chaucer, from The Cheerleader’s Tale.

almost me:  If this is you, you have a problem.

schoolmarmish dress:  “What is not being worn by Lady Gaga?”

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Strange search-engine queries (532)

Last Saturday, this site celebrated (sort of) its twentieth anniversary; this particular feature began about halfway through those two decades. The format is pretty much unchanged: find search strings that brought people to the site, and make fun of them if at all possible. Fortunately, there’s enough traffic — and there are more than enough wackos out there — to make this task relatively simple most of the time.

discreet search engine:  Oh, come on, you’re taking all the fun out of this.

bonds womens pantyhose 70d opaque electric blue average/tall:  If nothing else, this tells you that fetishists can be awfully darn specific.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule, superstar achievers are distinguished by their _____:  Prodigious genitalia.

david ruffin memes:  My whole world ended the moment you read this.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy unservicing:  I do this every week. When are you guys gonna quit servicing me?

artillery shell cases for sale:  I suppose they’d be pretty tricky to rent.

cool to be a fool:  This year, we must be experiencing the arrival of a glacier.

inseams on pants:  You notice nobody ever asks about the outseams.

police stole my car feliz navidad:  Well, you’re certainly taking it well.

wp-config.php i need to find a gas station:  And what better place to find a gas station than in a text file full of PHP instructions?

fourbucks:  Formerly the price of two bottles of Two-Buck Chuck.

batman bill:  Surely several million a year, which Bruce Wayne pays without complaint.

my life is ruined yahoo answers:  Yeah, that’s the way it happens. You start trolling to get recognition, and before too long you’ve told the entire world that you’re too stupid to live.

in 2004, congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 provisions for tax breaks to groups such as restaurant owners, hollywood producers, and nascar track owners. this is an example of the:  Way things are, always have been, and probably always will be.

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Strange search-engine queries (531)

Google and Yahoo! and Bing, oh, my. A hefty proportion of this site’s traffic comes from search-engine users, and based on the evidence I see each week, they have no shame. Which is why you see this each week.

Bansay leaves benifits for sinusitis:  Hmmm. Didn’t see that at CVS.

this question is a means of preventing automated form submissions by spambots:  See how well it works?

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  Get him slapped by the first woman he attempts to treat in this manner.

firm forceful femmes:  Don’t even think about trying to molest them.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc.:  There are other developers, but most of them have shown signs of discontent.

printer nazi:  No toner for you!

karl malden nose disease:  It’s just a temporary enlargement. No one will ever even notice.

i can’t stop jacking off yahoo answers:  And yet it never, ever comes to a close.

revolting door:  There’s one on every door on K Street, where the regulators and the regulated become mutually parasitical.

“high performance, delivery” “upskirt”:  This is not, incidentally, why they call it “broadband.”

mine flex:  Some people will brag about anything.

jerry garcia licks:  He also might sniff now and then.

in the 1920s when women’s hemlines reached the knee, an exposed female leg was considered erotic. today an exposed leg is less likely to elicit such a response. this is an example of emotional responses _____ caused by repeated to exposure:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have an emotional response to lack of said exposure.

crummier definition:  What you’re likely to find in those discount dictionaries at the dollar store.

chaz michael michael:  A distant cousin of the late Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

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Strange search-engine queries (530)

Yep, here we are, back at the old stand, trying to figure out just what brings people to this site, and reporting on the explanations we find least explicable.

529:  No, that was last week. This week is 530.

and the ursines remain on the sylvan glades:  And probably taking a dump thereupon.

if anamarie’s parents send her to a(n) _____ school instead of a public school to enhance her learning, they are probably doing it because the standards may be higher than local public schools:  Um, “expensive”?

“td bank” “erotic”  Well, compared to Scotiabank, anyway.

perverse adolescent lesbo seduces eastern milf:  It happened just outside a branch of TD Bank.

mcgyver is faced with the problem of opening a safe with 10 buttons numbered from 0 to 9. the safe can be opened by pressing three buttons, not necessarily distinct, in correct order. what is the probability that mcgyver will hit the right combination?  100 percent, even if the numbers have been obscured by time and dust and the safe itself is covered with scorpions. You never bet against MacGyver.

opposite of bondage:  Blofeldage?

damascus girls:  You can’t be Syrias.

we’re gonna get married randy newman:  Unless, of course, you’re Short People.

pictures of wastes:  A waste is a terrible thing to mind.

evisceration plague tab:  We’ve been trying to get Google to add this to Chrome for years now.

toe tales:  See, for instance, Parliament’s “Agony of Defeet,” a classic toe-jam session.

where do grape nuts come from:  Kroger, aisle seven.

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Strange search-engine queries (529)

The premise here is pretty simple, really. A lot of people land here, not because they wanted to, but because their particular search strings happened to match up with something offered here. (With roughly six million words on the premises, it’s difficult not to land here.) Once a week, we look at those search strings, and pray for something amusing to be contained therein. Sometimes it even works.

catholicism and ursines:  In general, the Pope is Catholic, and a bear shits in the woods — never the other way around.

what should i do with my life:  Well, you have very little chance of becoming Pope, and essentially no chance of becoming a bear.

“roto-rooter” “slut”:  You like the drain auger, do you?

“special k” “incompetent”:  Then I guess it isn’t all that Special, is it?

robert stacy mccain twitter:  Not lately; they threw him off.

“ok time to stop those pesky spammers” ~oncological:  Spam, just like a cancer, grows.

russell westbrook suspension:  Judging by the way he moves, I suspect he’s strut-based.

meghan trainor tongue:  Because, you know, she’s all about that lick. (No sucking.)

hot pockets how to cook:  Did they stop printing the instructions on the box?

mr 18 inches and the first timers:  Eighteen inches? That’s remarkable. How big’s his wiener?

done in 60 seconds: That’s what they say about Mr 18 Inches.

batman bill:  Roughly 1.6 percent of the GDP of Gotham City is derived from repairing damage caused by Batman.

ted cruz brony:  In which case Donald Trump is clearly Discord.

the girl with the thorn in her side:  Working title for Megyn Kelly’s new book.

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Strange search-engine queries (528)

Please note: due to destructive and inexplicable government policy, an hour of time that could have been spent on this project was totally wiped out. I expect things to improve in a week or so.

“feminist airplanes” “feminist engineers”:  Due to the wisdom of the latter, the former now have better rest rooms — don’t they?

beyonce strom:  I doubt they ever met, though Strom lived long enough to have been able to hear some early Destiny’s Child.

the planned extermination of an entire race of people is known as:  Politics as usual.

conservative search engine:  In vain will you search for any conservatism in this election year.

jane says her cousin is big boned:  Which is perfect for this election year, in which we are all pretty much boned.

wevenues:  Paid by Wome to Pontius Pilate upon the welease of Woger.

how much does berkelium cost:  There being maybe one gram of the stuff produced nationwide in the last half-century, I’d say it’s probably more expensive than Hewlett-Packard printer ink.

ill pay you to get naked:  And I thought I was hard up.

us bank won’t reverse overdraft:  They got their $39 fee, therefore all is right with the world.

in jeff savage’s book on the 2005 number one pick for the nhl draft, what is the title of the second chapter beginning on page 10?  You didn’t buy the book? What the hell is wrong with you?

this evening on britain’s got talent we get to witness this lovely lady sing with her anus and she finishes her skit beautifully by inserting the mic deep in her singing hole:  Come to think of it, what the hell is wrong with you?

three methods for getting your name on the primary ballot of a party include: lobbying declaration of candidacy declaration of candidacy plus paying a fee purchasing the right from the precinct captain petition:  Not to mention claiming to be rich as Croesus.

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of:  People being turned loose on search engines without supervision.

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Strange search-engine queries (527)

“Come Monday,” Jimmy Buffett sang, “it’ll be all right.” I’m not so sure. Maybe this sample of search strings might help.

i want my boyfriend back:  In the meantime, though, let’s watch your reputation become tattered.

mr. gander has long been distressed by frequently recurring urges to enter areas of department stores displaying women’s undergarments in order to become sexually aroused. his experience is most indicative of:  Needing a swift kick in the balls.

what do longer periods mean:  Frightened women.

cuttlefish of cthulhu codpiece:  Which will frighten them even more.

suppose that, at an official ticket price of $480, there are 6,000 justin timberlake fans wanting to attend his concert, but only 4,000 ticketed seats are available. which one of the following statements is then true?  C. There are more Justin Timberlake fans than you ever imagined.

saddam hussein body doubles:  Look nothing like Justin Timberlake.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day heracles:  Maybe later, after I get these frigging stables cleaned out.

cootie shot:  Provides only temporary immunity from someone who has cooties.

debbie gibson playboy pictorial:  I can assure you, she didn’t have cooties.

you are dispatched to a residence where a middle-aged man was found unconscious in his front yard. there are no witnesses who can tell you what happened. you find him in a prone position; his eyes are closed and he is not moving. your first action should be to:  Get off his lawn. You know the rules.

bee stung lips:  For best results, use genuine bees.

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times:  The Presidential aspirations of Donald J. Trump.

3.39 inches:  Sorry, we allow only one Trump joke per episode.

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Strange search-engine queries (526)

Once you get past the novelty of having five of these in February, it’s the same old thing: mine the search strings for comedy gold, or at least zinc.

turn your radio on john hartford:  What did John Hartford ever do to you?

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  Depends on how quickly Dori finds those photos of Vivian on Juan’s phone.

the strange case of avogadro’s airline flight 6.02 on october the 23rd:  The entire cargo compartment was filled with moles.

i was born unicorn:  Yeah, Blueblood, we know. Now go away and do something vaguely prince-y.

not a clever pony:  No excuses. Act like the noble you’re supposed to be.

shoe morass in a sentence:  The higher the heel of your shoe, the morass you’re likely to show.

trying to be less of an asshole than i was yesterday:  Not to worry. The primaries will be over soon.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Finally, a workable definition of Wikipedia.

fork enid:  Yeah, that’s what they say in Alva. Almost.

fourbucks:  The eventual price for Charles Shaw wines at Trader Joe’s.

double down casino says 403 forbidden:  You’ve reached your limit, Chuckie.

dion waiters defense:  Blankly staring.

blankly staring:  Known as the Dion Waiters defense.

texas asshole massacre:  But that could take days. Weeks, even.

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Strange search-engine queries (525)

For those just tuning in, this is a weekly exercise in which we go through the scores of search strings that brought users of Bing and Google and whatever to this site, and then try to find something amusing about them. Sometimes it even works.

what happens if you bite your tongue:  A brief period of pain, as distinguished from the extended period of sorrow that would have been caused by what you were thinking about saying.

what do you call a skydiver with the flu:  Um, a sick chuter?

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day offer:  Well, that is what “daily” means: every day.

governor: the bridge that spans the brookline and kings boroughs is in desperate need of repair with estimates in the range of $30 million. over one million vehicles cross the bridge each day. therefore:  Raise the toll to $30.

“ok time to stop those pesky spammers” ~oncological:  Too bad. I was looking forward to giving them cancer.

hen tie:  You hope your mom thinks of this when she hears you talking about Japanese porn.

tigerdirect out of business:  Well, the Web site is still up and running.

tigerdirect website down:  Perhaps I spoke too soon.

excessive generosity:  This is probably not what killed TigerDirect.

taylor swift armpit sweat:  Only $90 an ounce at better retailers.

yuja wang bikini:  I can’t imagine her playing the piano in a swimsuit; on the upside, it probably wouldn’t interfere with her movements.

gentlemen formerly dressed:  At some point, they decided it was no longer worth the bother.

not superman:  “What is the inscription on Clark Kent’s headstone?”

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Strange search-engine queries (524)

Valentine’s Day, or as I call it “Five Dozen Years of Solitude,” is finally over with, so now it’s time to get back to work on these search strings.

fiorina sucks:  Well, that explains that whole happy-marriage thing.

feminine pulchritude:  As does that.

newton’s second law of motion is expressed as f = ma. a lawn mower is pushed over a length of grass. if the pushing force suddenly doubles what will happen to the lawn mower’s rate of acceleration?  It will decrease markedly once you get to that thick patch of weeds over there where the sewer line is leaking.

alexis has multiple personality disorder. when one of her personalities: Comes up with the idea to destroy all the others, which can be hard on a person.

in kelo v. city of new london, conn., where the city forced people to sell their houses so there could be a new large project build, the supreme court held that the forced sale:  Would utterly delight Donald Trump.

“ways to” “persuasively” towel:  I don’t think I’ve ever been persuasively toweled, but I’m certainly willing to give it a chance.

reluctant naked:  Perhaps this towel will persuade you.

sultry normally:  This describes Lauren Bacall, and hardly anyone else.

quadruple anal:  Oh, like we didn’t have enough assholes around here already.

windows couldn’t finish installing updates:  Also known as “Tuesday.”

ted nugent cookbook:  Probably not your first choice for stir-fried veggies.

does mrs butterworth syrup go bad:  There was that one weekend in the Log Cabin, but she will not speak of it.

is dreamhost down:  If it is, how are you reading this?

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Strange search-engine queries (523)

What’s that you say? Football’s over? How did that happen?

Oh, never mind. Have some search strings.

“bladder” “equestria” -deviantart  Oh, buck, Fluttershy’s hitting the Lasix again.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc:  Which is a good thing, since discontent is common among developers.

fear of boobs:  It’s worse than you think. They usually travel in pairs.

non nude crossdressers tumblr:  Well, yeah. If they were nude, you’d never know they were crossdressers. (Okay, maybe the mascara gave him away.)

an administrative assistant of a large factory visits the medical unit and tells the nurse she is having pain in the right wrist, numbness in the index finger, and decreased mobility of the right hand. the nurse suspects the client has what?  A huge deductible.

durant ok radio stations:  They play both kinds of music: country and western.

damascus girls:  You can’t be Syrious.

death fetishist:  Doesn’t exactly lend itself to multiple orgasms, if you know what I mean.

“notify me of followup comments via e mail” i faint:  Yeah, I’m surprised when that works, too.

der kommissar’s in town:  I’ll be sure not to turn around.

casandra, who is attractive and likable, has just telephoned mike and asked him for a date. according to the two-factor theory of emotion, mike is likely to experience the most intense romantic feelings for casandra during their phone conversation if he has just:  Been dumped by Valerie.

texas asshole massacre:  Actually, I think they were repelling migrants from California.

how did rebecca black become famous:  Anything can happen on Friday.

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Strange search-engine queries (522)

After months of foreplay, the actual political season begins this week, and it has the word “anticlimax” written all over it. So I’m just going to go about my business, part of which involves sorting through recent search strings. No contributions are solicited.

“feminist airplanes” “feminist engineers”:  The latter, at least, are known to exist.

why do feminist hate guys yahoo:  Damn guys won’t let them fly.

this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions canton flannel:  After “submissions,” I think we can safely rule that this was automated.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day heracles:  It would give him something to do while mucking out the stables.

assume that wal-mart stores:  No, don’t. We assume too much about them already.

96 ways to say i love you:  Which is 46 more than the ways to leave.

invisible clothes for women:  Alterations, regrettably, are exceedingly difficult.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy visceroptosis:  Well, you may experience it, but you probably won’t enjoy it.

kermit the frog no mascara:  I wonder if this is what triggered the breakup with Miss Piggy.

thomas has routinely declined invitations to go bar-hopping from kathy, his boss. during his performance review, kathy mentions that even though the quality of his work is satisfactory, he isn’t much of a “team player.” at the end of the review, kathy invites him out for drinks again. how would this:  If Thomas is wise, he will start updating his résumé.

did shakespeare write with a quill:  Well, it wasn’t a Sharpie.

walking down the street something caught my eye:  How it did that while walking, I’ll never know.

craigslist narration needed:  Over here are the scamsters, and off to the right you can see the pervs.

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Strange search-engine queries (521)

The West Coast is being spattered by liquid; the East Coast is covered by what used to be liquid before it froze. Here in the middle, we’re seeing a big yellow ball in the sky that hadn’t previously been detected for about a week. But while everyone’s routines are disrupted, some things go on, and one of them is this “Let’s see all the search strings!” bit.

todd rundgren misprint something anything:  Hello, it’s me, you’ve thought about this for how long?

sarah palin squirmish:  Perhaps she was uncomfortable.

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  See section 6.2 of the National Association for a Kardashian-Free Society bylaws.

palestinians cheering 9/11:  Well, they’re just old, humorless sourpusses.

“ways to” “persuasively” towel:  The trick is to get her dry at the exact moment you get her wet.

“membership to this website is public” wall mount gun rack:  And the public never, ever acts up. Wonder why?

we’ve found that lots of messages from are spam:  These days, it doesn’t matter whom they’re from.

shoe retry timeout exceeded:  Geez, how long does it take to put on a pair of shoes?

maybe he’ll know cyndi lauper:  She will be waiting, time after time.

refrigerator not cold:  Did you check to see if it was running?

something different with steak:  A small lump of feldspar.

intj stare:  We do not stare. We brood.

buy-o-mart sells magazines at a 10% discount. what amount will you pay the cashier for a magazine that costs $5.99 and has a sales tax of 4%?  If I tell you, you’re going to be so screwed when the teacher tells you to show your work.

Also, there were several dozen instances of “received the verification code, you will be able to choose a new password for your account” followed by a single random word. This is the level of hacking engaged in by the sort of people who can’t figure out the price of a magazine with a discount and a sales tax.

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Strange search-engine queries (520)

According to the Weather Guys, who start their figuring from the first of December, we’re now in the middle of winter. From here on out, it can only get better, right? Never, ever assume that. In the meantime, let’s look at the latest search strings.

“enter this code to prove you are not a robot” mazda 6 lease price:  This practice discriminates against driving robots, and will not be tolerated in the Xeljanz administration.

pop tarts 2004:  Long since expired. Throw them away.

tinder verified:  Not as meaningful as being the Mayor on Foursquare.

readme.html wordpress vodka flavored vodka  Delete “readme.html”; it is of no use to anyone except malware distributors. Now pass me some of that vodka-flavored vodka.

invisible bikini prank:  Never knew the Emperor was trying on swimsuits.

warren has been struggling to eat healthier, but he forgot to pack a lunch and he is starving. he pulls into the fast food drive-through lane, and as he ponders the options he decides to go for a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger. he gets a small order of french fries instead of a large order:  All he had to do was order a Diet Coke, which eliminates all calories, amiright?

wordpress.com shrill:  You obviously haven’t been on Tumblr lately.

jason hangs sheetrock for a local contractor. his job requires him to hang the sheetrock overhead on ceilings. what type of ergonomic-related hazard is jason likely to encounter?:  Severe headache, gravity-assisted.

geometry works:  It does! Ask the guy standing under the Sheetrock.

trying to be less of an asshole than i was yesterday:  Call back in three weeks.

amos moses was a cajun:  And a one-armed Cajun at that.

not superman:  This describes every one of us, except maybe that Clark Kent guy.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  That you should never buy gifts in February.

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Strange search-engine queries (519)

Already weary of January? Well, this little excursion into the search-string logs will not do anything for the midwinter blues or the Christmas bills, but it will kill some time, time which might otherwise kill you.

two cars on a straight road at time zero are beside each other. the first car:  is hogging the faster lane at five under the speed limit, and you wish you had a grenade launcher at your command.

sex 1030:  Don’t worry, it will be over by eleven.

“securely and privately show videos to your friends and family around the world” wall mount gun racks:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I see no advantage in letting everyone see how I store guns.

a texas city has a population of 100:  Well, it’s not in Loving County (population 82), then.

something different with steak:  Try making a smoothie out of a baked potato.

do they sell viagra at gas stations:  No, that’s not the secret ingredient in Shell V-Power.

rhymes with yell:  Gargamel?

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times:  I’m gonna say U.S. News and World Report.

on a given morning, franco sold 40 pairs of shoes for a total of $80 at his shoe store:  Thereby posting a loss of $3,700.

how can i get more girth:  Right now, what you need is more depth.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Fallacious interpretation, since she assumes that all reporters have souls.

is artillery fungus harmful to humans:  Both artillery and fungus, in fact.

how to tell my girlfriend i love her yahoo:  That’s a laugh. You’ve never even seen her yahoo.

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Strange search-engine queries (518)

Okay, buoys and gulls, the holidays are behind us and receding quickly. Time to get back to work.

seoul station:  You’re listening to Kpop.

your mom tells you to charge a price of 25 cents for each bracelet. since the marginal cost of making a bracelet is also 25 cents, this price will _____:  Be approved by the government, which doesn’t know any better.

“received the verification code, you will be able to choose a new password for your account.” malingering:  Now there’s a memorable, if weakish, password.

not superman:  That describes all of us, more or less.

expressionengine discussion forum – version swoon:  If you asked me to install a forum running on Expression Engine, I’d probably swoon.

get this tub of shit down to the infirmary symmetrical:  And it damn well better be balanced when it gets there.

say hello to longer legs:  With pleasure.

eight-year-old trey stands in front of a group of kids and says, “i am smart”. which of the following is the most plausible reaction to this incident:  C. And your mother dresses you funny.

my sprained ankle family blog:  Like I’ve always said, you can write about anything.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  An endless thump-thump-thumping.

1 cock is not enough:  Stacy Brown got two.

dishardening:  It’s twice as bad with Stacy Brown.

leo worries all of the time. he worries about his money, his children, and his dog. his muscles are always tense and sore, he has trouble sleeping, is often irritable, and has difficulty concentrating. leo’s symptoms sound most like:  America 2016.

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Strange search-engine queries (517)

The National Weather Service, I am told, prefers “ice pellets” to “sleet.” And I’d prefer almost anything else with the exception of freezing rain, which is a tool of the devil. In the meantime, since I’m not going to frolic in the, um, pellets, I may as well read the search logs.

18 years old cutie verified by a doctor to be a virgin and then deflorated by the doctor’s husband:  And this is why the world is rapidly going to hell in a handbasket: the interaction between people obsessed with screwing and people obsessed with not screwing.

burn the spring chicken:  And hope it doesn’t taste too fowl.

no coke:  Pepsi?

gas station in median little rock circa 1960-70’s 12th & fairpark:  No, they won’t sell you regular for 59 cents a gallon. Or even 59.9 cents.

my sprained ankle family blog:  See? You can blog about anything.

if 90 percent of automobiles in orange county have both headlights working what is the probability that in a sample of eight automobiles at least seven will have both headlights working?  Do you know something about Orange County that I don’t?

sharon had a major argument with terence:  Damn guy never got around to getting his headlights fixed.

victoria justice feet ketchup:  Just in case you thought you had ridiculous fantasies.

manages to snag a steel conduit with his fingers symmetrical:  I suppose it’s easier to grasp with equal amounts on both sides.

severance pay for nineteen years symmetrical:  How much of that time was spending snagging steel conduit?

3.39 inches:  The guy on Tinder who claimed seven and a half.

moles on black people:  It happens. Black people don’t like them either.

renee is telling tom about her recent preparation for law school final exams. he nods his head and says “uh huh” a few times. however:  Tom has no idea that he’s about to get dumped.

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Strange search-engine queries (516)

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the logs, some new entries shone, but the others — real dogs. We hope to concentrate on the spiffy.

invisible voyeurism women nude:  How do you know she’s watching? She could be simply burglarizing the place.

mlp larson:  This is M. A. Larson under an assumed name — I assume.

nicholas is a man whom the local college students all think of as eccentric. each day he stands on campus:  And he’s not carrying a sign protesting his alleged oppression, which confuses them.

extended download service for norton products:  Unfortunately, it’s Ed Norton, and Ed Norton works in the sewers of New York.

people sleep peaceably in their beds at night:  Because they don’t have to think about what’s happening next morning.

christina aguilera bound to you übersetzung:  She’s bound to be uninterested in the likes of me, regardless of language.

what is heaven like yahoo answers:  If it is, I’ve wasted a lifetime being semi-virtuous.

princess amber reckful:  Because you wouldn’t want a princess to be reckless.

cassandra started to feel better after three visits to a:  Different Web site.

independent grocer canned chattanooga:  Chattanooga’a big place. You may need several cans.

1 cock is not enough:  That’s what they said down at the Chicken Ranch.

wp-config-sample.php ~dreary:  Yeah? Fix your own damn WordPress, then.

my balls and my word is all i have:  Well, we already know what your word is worth.

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Strange search-engine queries (515)

If you’re new around here, this is something we do on Mondays: pick up the logs, shake them out, find the search strings, and scatter them about. If we find something marginally amusing, it lands here.

gonojagoron moncho lucky:  I’m assuming this isn’t a translation of that Daft Punk record.

babe spotting linear tv.ram:  Odd that a voyeur might actually want to use RealPlayer.

my litle porni:  I’d kind of hate to see their Duty Marks.

last supper fast food:  Judas must have been buying.

sawiro jacayl ah oo qurux badan:  Is this David Seville’s “Witch Doctor” translated into Dothraki?

i have no life yahoo answers:  That was our assumption all along.

jerking off made simple:  Oh, yeah, like you need instructions.

“for random sassy updates” 2003 spam:  Which you’re probably still getting today.

duck gonna whip somebody:  He was surprised at the size of his bill.

stupid bint:  For some reason, nobody ever seems to talk about smart bints.

can a vanishing twin reappear:  Sure. Wait until the last episode of the season.

“alderaan” “name” “email” “telephone” “comment” “contact”:  I’m afraid you’re just a little bit late, Mr. Binks.

dream girl 8 december 2015:  Just like all the other ones: gone before I woke up.

Oh, and Jack Baruth dug into his search strings this week.

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Strange search-engine queries (514)

It is a Monday tradition in these parts to go traipsing through the logs, hoping to find weird, embarrassing, or utterly inscrutable search strings. And invariably, we find them.

maria bartiromo black pantyhose:  Wore out the Pause switch on your DVR, did you?

shoes sticking to floor:  I’m guessing this is in the room where you watch Maria Bartiromo.

windows 10 is not ready:  Yeah, that’s what they said about Server 2003.

degrading flirting:  Was it graded first?

man name sirius and woman named Denise involvement in bank robbery in Orange county California:  Surely Denise didn’t take this guy Siriusly.

run up an alley and holler fish:  Don’t be surprised when Abe Vigoda answers.

during her speech on creating a healthier environment:  She coughed several times and spit twice on the floor.

valvoline rookwood:  I hear this will be the name for Kim and Kanye’s third kid.

one-horned bitch destroyer:  This must be one of those new “modern” Tarot decks.

waxed muff:  After which, inevitably, it waned.

quadruple beer:  Twelve point eight?

people with a lot of moles:  That lets out Ron Stoppable, who has only one.

write a fiction short story about election using polling place, independent, electoral college, elec:  And keep in mind that however outlandish your storyline, it will never be as weird as actual news programs.

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Strange search-engine queries (513)

Okay, so it’s Monday evening instead of Monday morning. Doesn’t make this exercise any less valid. (Or, for that matter, any more valid.)

be there in a jif:  And make it skippy. (I owe McGehee for this one.)

i love her dearly yahoo:  Some yahoos are more dearly than others, I suspect.

shady grove music fair in 1970 did it burn down:  Um, no. But the venue property was deemed too valuable to waste on music fairs.

when i flash my headlights my 626y5 produce a buzzin sound:  It’s telling you not to flash your damn headlights, you rude S.O.B.

jailbait boobs:  The time to worry is when they come looking for jailbait without boobs.

rebecca black 2014 selfie:  Aw, come on. She didn’t go a month in 2014 without posting at least one selfie.

overlord of flies:  And you, for one, welcome him, am I right?

parella lewis pants:  Not in my presence, she doesn’t.

permalink to highest quality wood for the highest quality piano steinway assembled rim:  If it’s that good, they’ll sell to Steinway before they’ll sell to you.

pseu pseu pseudio:  Careful now. You quote too much of it and Phil Collins will pseu you.

used saturn ion wright county minnesota:  Pretty much all Saturn Ions everywhere are used, maybe even used up.

hospital gown memes:  Never did like those. There’s really nothing to back them up.

400 pixels wide and at least 150 pixels tall broken heart:  Aorta pop you one for that.

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Strange search-engine queries (512)

If you’re not familiar with this Monday-morning feature, please allow me to explain. This site is very large, as personal sites go — roughly thirty thousand articles on all manner of subjects — so there’s a good chance that J. Random Googler (or Binger or whatever) might actually land here, or at least be shown something here, while searching for something off the wall. If it’s far enough off the wall, I’ll notice it, and I’ll post it here.

blog A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for o:  Trust me, this culture was dying before I started putting personal rudeness and bad manners on a blog.

the who see me:  You better behave yourself, then. Especially in front of Townshend.

can a 20 year old take viagra:  If he’s sufficiently pathetic, yes.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  Then readers should not look at it until tomorrow, which is Taco Tuesday.

when sheila arrived at the gym on tuesday morning:  She knew not to overwork herself, because she wanted to be ready to go for Taco Tuesday.

candice routinely blows every little setback out of proportion. for example:  Last week, they had Taco Tuesday on Thursday, and she pitched a hissy fit.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  She realized that Fred Flintstone didn’t know jack about brakes.

kermit without mascara:  Frogs wear makeup?

paul and peter disagree:  As they have been, ever since we decided to rob Peter to pay Paul.

lolitas 7-15 whores collection archive:  And we’d better not find out that Paul has been spending Peter’s money on this kind of crap.

intj stare of death:  If this actually worked, I can think of several people who wouldn’t be here now.

flying anvil foundation:  Run by Acme officials as a tax dodge.

best way to catch a coyote:  Have you tried the new line of Acme anvils?

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Strange search-engine queries (511)

“We’ll always have Paris.” — Rick Blaine

“We’ll always have search strings.” — Me

good morning mr leech:  Always be polite to those you subsidize.

german lass milf patriarch sleeps with teen boyish sub subsequently game:  Um, this is not how you program the Holodeck, ensign.

We reject the prospect of failure or mediocrity or an inferior quality of life for any person is wha:  “Wha?” indeed.

biology of european sea bass (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here?

blackman 101 defenses (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here.

clear channel sucks:  Outdated. Today, it’s “iHeartRadio sucks.”

jerking off made simple:  When, exactly, was it complicated?

naked women funny:  If you should find one, never let her go.

models attract women through honesty mark nason pdf:  So it’s not the thousand-dollar dresses?

usenet youth and beauty:  Guy’s obviously never seen a flame war.

villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot:  Not so useful when the bad guy is a girl.

juan is an ardent environmentalist and the sole supporter of two children. he found out that his company is dumping toxic waste into a landfill. before pursuing this issue:  He makes sure he has photos of the general manager, naked, groveling at the feet of the dominatrix.

cuttlefish of cthulhu codpiece:  If you should see one of these, lob it into the landfill as though it were toxic waste.

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Strange search-engine queries (510)

Mondays in November can be bleak, miserable, and, well, Monday-ish. Will this collection of oddball search strings collected from site records cheer you up? Geez, how the heck would I know?

Non violent gay cock and balls tickle torture stories:  Well, hey, as long as they’re nonviolent.

you’re young, you’ll adjust:  Yeah, but you told me that years ago.

to imply that the onscreen world is somehow out of balance:  Will surprise no one who’s ever paid attention to it.

jailbait in pantyhose:  Is still jailbait and is therefore inadvisable.

just over eighteen:  Ceases to be jailbait, but is probably still inadvisable.

plane crash bodies in seats underwater:  Must be some CNN guy desperate to fill time.

nena 99 red balloons armpits:  You’re missing the whole point of the song.

victoria justice ketchup feet:  Every time I think I’ve seen the last possible fetish, something like this comes along.

quadruple anal entry:  If that’s even possible, I don’t want to know about it.

revolting slob:  How I imagine someone who Googles “quadruple anal entry.”

cats don’t dance:  Not where you can see them, anyway.

fibonacci reeks:  Says the guy who can’t figure out how to program it in Visual Basic.

kim kardashian news today:  The scary part is that Google Webmaster Tools won’t send me this unless it’s within the first ten pages of the search.

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