Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (602)

If you haven’t seen this feature before, where have you been? It’s been here every Monday for the last 11 years. As always with long-lived Web projects, it thrives on simplicity: we look at the search strings which lead people to this site, and we try to make fun of them. Sometimes it even works.

decisive moments youtube moment bite this:  Probably aren’t more than 150,000 videos on which this is bitten.

Is Mazda 626 an injector or caperator:  Um, it’s a car. The system of fuel delivery varies with the year.

red lipstick meaning:  If you have to ask, you’ve never been kissed.

where was invisible sister filmed:  New Orleans, which is a surprise, since it was set in, um, New Orleans.

refuse fascism:  You’d at least hope fascists could haul away the refuse.

woot box of crap:  Well, it was actually called a bag o’ crap, though the crap was indeed shipped in a box.

change your default browser39s search:  I tell you, Yahoo! has more trouble with mere apostrophes.

goodbye google alternative search engines:  Lots of ’em out there, though Yahoo! has trouble with mere apostrophes.

bilingual heroines vol.2:  Damn, and I missed Volume One.

tumblr sensitive content:  A euphemism for “wank material.”

“rocketship” design or “web design” or “website design” or “website development” or marketing:  However, only one of those is likely to be rocket science, and it ain’t marketing.

invisibility fetish:  Have you considered simply closing your eyes?

in january 2005 burger king sponsored the opener of the third season of the apprentice:  And we’ve been hearing Whoppers ever since.

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Strange search-engine queries (601)

It’s Monday again, and you know what that means: it’s time to sweep through the logs and find some of the search strings that called users to this site somewhere in the first ten pages of results. We hope, of course, that some of them will be at least mildly amusing.

scaramuccis rant spurs newsroom debate:  And a whole lot of Twitter tripe, too.

honda malaysia bike WWXD:  What would Xenophobe drive?

widdle wincoln:  Any widdler and it would be a Ford.

lardbutt 1k:  I assume this doesn’t mean “1 kilogram.”

correspondence phd in political science:  This could get you a slot on Fox News, if you look good in a short skirt.

chaz bono weight loss:  I wasn’t aware he’d gained any weight, unless you want to count the facial hair.

does verizon selects cost money:  Bless your heart, honey, everything costs money.

neil diamond songs written:  Must be hundreds of them by now. I just hope he doesn’t get done too soon.

dildo cupcakes:  I’d hate to see the pan you bake these in.

media baron rupert murdoch bought tv guide in 1988 because:  It was the closest thing we had to the News of the World.

how to avoid tumblr safe mode:  Either get an account of your own, or look elsewhere for your smut.

polyglop:  When simple glop isn’t enough.

used realdoll™ $200..$400:  I definitely don’t want to know how it was used.

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Strange search-engine queries (600)

We did it before; we’re doing it again. Here’s another selection of search strings, courtesy of Googlers and Bingers and such, who were looking for something and somehow found it here.

divine+warranty:  If you read both Testaments, you’ll quickly deduce that The Man Upstairs keeps His word.

grass is browner on both sides meaning:  It’s damn near August and we need rain.

“pony” and “botnet” or “stealer” or “malware”:  I blame Prince Blueblood.

babe tools plum crazy lip gloss 0 46 ounces:  That’s one heck of a lot of lip gloss.

grace vanderwaal net worth:  A heck of a lot more than you or I had when we were thirteen.

infliximab trough level testing:  You couldn’t afford enough of that drug to drag through a trough.

(and any subsequent words) was ignored because we limit queries to 32 words:  Which is really rough on those clowns who type in an entire exam question in the vain hope of getting an answer sheet.

nudewithfriends.tumblr:  Assuming Tumblr will let you see it at all. Are you a member?

dumpster rental likely:  Heck of a thing to have to predict.

“human cremation machines”:  More elegant, I suspect, than setting a rented dumpster on file.

driving directions to starbucks:  Go any which way you choose. You’re bound to hit one eventually.

tweetier:  When you tawt you taw two puddy tats.

dammit jim beer where to buy:  I’m a blogger, not a liquor wholesaler.

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Strange search-engine queries (599)

Welcome to the work week. This is the last gasp of my weekend: a romp through the logs to see if anybody who landed here was searching for anything interesting at the time.

free bouncty prerky nude boobies:  Guy’s so excited, he forgot how to spell.

halloween pranks naked:  Just a reminder: when they happen, it’s almost November. If you freeze something off, it’s your own fault.

refuse fascism:  That was the one saving grace of the Mussolini regime: they picked the refuse up on time.

hosted kafka:  Mr Samsa would like a can of Raid sent to room 232.

“half-empty”:  Alternatively, “half-full.” Or maybe “twice as big as necessary.”

gopcare:  I’m betting you probably don’t want to get sick right about now.

going to take a miracle:  That’s what I say every time I think the air conditioning has failed.

one bedroom apartments for rent under $600 in bristol ct:  You may end up sleeping under a satellite dish at ESPN.

pomeranian bowling:  It’s a whole different game, unless you can find a pomeranian weighing 16 pounds.

cars 3 movie leaked:  That explains the oil stains on the keyboard.

a script on this page may be busy, or it may have stopped responding. you can stop the script now, open the script in the debugger, or let the script continue:  Or you can make a note never to visit that damn page ever again.

christianity and nudism:  Not necessarily incompatible, but there are few places of worship that combine the two.

one man’s junk cleveland county nc:  Personally, I don’t want to see any man’s junk right now, even if he’s a Christian.

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Strange search-engine queries (598)

Ugh, Monday again. Guess I’d better shake loose the search log and see what falls out.

combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  A desperate attempt to get extra credit.

rebecca burger nitrous:  I’m kind of puzzled as to how this turns into a gas.

fast supper:  If you’re fasting, you’re not getting any supper.

paaking:  It’s what you do with your caah when you’re in Baaston.

kevin is told that if he works for five days at a telemarketing job, he can expect to earn $100 a day on commission alone. when he gets his paycheck at the end of the week, it comes to only about $80 per day. he’s very upset even when he finds out that his coworkers all made only about $60 each:  And even more so when he discovers he’s marked for death by a group of angry call recipients.

walmart carsaver:  You might consider not parking there in the first place. Otherwise, you’ll get hit by a stray cart.

dumpster rental atomic city:  Just don’t fercrissake set fire to it.

circumferential evidence:  It’s evident, or should be anyway, that I have a substantial circumference.

igrunt:  Apple’s one and only device available to cave dwellers.

who is blanche:  Stella’s older sister. I thought everyone knew that.

phil baruth:  We know Jack, and we know Mark. We don’t know Phil. (And you probably don’t know Jack.)

this king was staying at camelot at christmastime with many fair lords and the most beautiful ladies and the whole high brotherhood of the round table in happy festivity and the high revels of the season. what element of medieval court culture is evident in the excerpt?  You know he’s the king; he’s the only one who doesn’t have shit on him.

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Strange search-engine queries (597)

And here we are again, pretending to be awake on a Monday morning, while you get to read some of the gleanings from recent search strings that somehow were used to find this here site. Yes, we’ve done this before. (Rather a lot, actually.)

my cadillac 2005 sts makes a snapping sound coming from the rear and leans what could it be:  You can replace the entire rear suspension, one piece at a time, or you can hie yourself to a proper shop who can diagnose this correctly.

sevenland:  Next exit beyond Sixburgh.

Dr Rowe, Rhett wants you to know that he never has to go to another appointment and see those stupid:  Sick people. It’s so much easier being dead.

“roadtrips” -road -trip -trips:  I think you owe us one trip.

dumpster rental thoreau: I can’t imagine Thoreau throwing enough stuff away to justify renting one of those things.

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  You can’t. And if you’re like too many Facebook users, you were disabled because you damned well deserved to be.

tilapia taste:  This is your porn-star name, right?

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Tilapia, maybe?

2001 mazda millenia hold light flashes:  Enjoy your new transmission.

accursed crawling cape:  We told you, “No capes!”

slightly damned rule 34:  You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

driving directions to starbucks:  There should be one in any direction, unless you’re in some place like Labrador.

don’t stuff beans up your nose:  Wait a moment and we’ll tell you where you can stuff them.

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Strange search-engine queries (596)

If you live in the United States, there’s at least a measurable chance you got the day off today. I didn’t. But I’m not complaining. (Much.) And the usual Monday-morning routine contains the usual trip through the search strings, looking for things that, as they say out here on the Plains, “just don’t look right.”

box in mazda 6 that sends signal to transmission:  It’s not like you can fix it yourself; hell, you don’t even know the name of the part.

ijxgbpkknko -site:youtube.com:  Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.

reptiles express:  It does, after all, take a long time for them to crawl.

cum salad dressing:  You told me this was Thousand Island.

nudewithfriends.tumblr:  There must be a thousand Tumblrs full of naked people, and they all reblog each other.

elizabeth kucinich tongue ring:  Better her than Dennis, I suppose.

according to the tree diagram below, what is the probability that someone buys a book that is hardcover and nonfiction?  We’re sorry, but we had to cut down that tree to print a book that is hardcover and nonfiction.

slowly turning sissy:  Go ahead and shave your legs, Dave. Who’s gonna know?

nude recreation:  What’s that, Dave? You can’t go skinny-dipping because you just shaved your legs?

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  Ask Facebook. You obviously can’t do it yourself.

used realdoll™ $200…$400:  You had your fun with her, now you throw her away. Typical.

tweetdeck who muted me:  The last person you pissed off.

phuyuck james bond:  Bite me, Blofeld.

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Strange search-engine queries (595)

We didn’t invent this particular feature — at least, I don’t think we did — but we’ve probably milked it more than anyone else you can name. It’s a simple scheme: find out what people who come to this site are searching for, and try to make fun of them when we can.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  By the Cable News Network.

umbrage taker:  CNN viewer, prior to lobotomy.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:  But you don’t care, so long as you get one sucker out of every hundred to buy your fake drugs.

gonojagoron moncho lucky:  A Kyrgyz remix of Daft Punk?

in the 1920’s when hemlines reached the knee, an exposed female leg was considered erotic. today an exposed leg is less likely to elicit such a response:   Speak for yourself, Donnie.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store:  Was well worth spending.

general motors developed a car in the 1970s for the u.s. market called the nova. that name was not useful for selling the car in mexico because in spanish it translates to “won’t go.” what kind of geography can help companies avoid these problems when selling internationally?  A link to Snopes would be useful, since no such issue existed with the Nova — or with AMC’s Matador, which means “killer,” and not just of bulls.

theresa may upskirt:  Well, it’s probably more entertaining than one of Jeremy Corbyn.

the primary losers in the quest for upward mobility through sport are the thousands of children who have unrealistic expectations of their potential and misjudge the odds of realizing their dreams:  And the thousands of parents who were hoping they’d stumbled upon a gold mine.

reptiles express:  You’d be surprised how fast that iguana can move.

hosted kafka:  And then wondered who was that freaking huge insect downstairs.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants, coffee shops, hip boutiques, and art galleries, then the neighborhood is:  Getting pretty damn expensive.

fnord motor company:  Exclusive supplier to the Illuminati since AD 1666.

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Strange search-engine queries (594)

Monday morning once more, and one of these once more. If you don’t recognize this, we’ll assume you’re new around here, and will tell you that a lot of people have been looking for a lot of things, and sometimes (1) those things are weird and (2) the words happen to match up with something on this site.

rule 34 we just want to fpa:  Dyslexia evidently does not interfere with one’s horniness.

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  Quit lying about every damn thing.

lidar 198 success secrets—198 most asked questions on lidar—what you need to know:  Mainly, you need to know that speeding is still illegal.

suppose a handbill publisher can buy:  Or maybe he can’t. Not a whole lot of money in handbills these days.

to find out what people are thinking about the candidates for mayor, jeralynn asks the first 10 people who pass by her house. which type of sampling method is being used?  The type used by the least respectable political consultants, which means most of them.

pine sol flies snopes:  I’ve used a whole lot of Pine-Sol. It doesn’t fly worth a damn.

active management semiaccurate:  No management is ever more than semiaccurate.

who is judge jeanine pirro’s plastic surgeon:  I’ll be expecting your check for my finder’s fee by Wednesday.

who owns crédit lyonnais:  Hint: it’s not Judge Jeanine’s plastic surgeon.

cathy berberian ticket to ride: Well, there’s one roulade she can’t sing.

tweetdeck who muted me:  You will not be told. Now STFU.

forum whilst we attempt to edit or remove any messages containing inappropriate, sexually orientated, abusive, hateful, slanderous anode:  And don’t go thinking you cathodes are exempt.

dorothy’s gnawing dark souls 3:  I’ll bet one of them is Blanche.

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Strange search-engine queries (593)

What happens here is simply this: a lot of people come here, not to see what sort of absurd observations I might be making, but because they’re searching for something. Of course, I know what they’re searching for, and if it’s funny enough or ludicrous enough or simply weird enough, it will show up here on a Monday morning.

does gap insurance cover voluntary repossession:  Um, no, unless you’re planning to wreck it on the way back to the dealer.

is “of un-ambiguity and preserveness of”:  No, it isn’t.

charles the next door neighbor:  Only true of one house on this block.

bullet dealer missouri:  Right this way. Can we interest you in a delivery device for those bullets?

upskirts at the masters:  Try a 3-wood.

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  Unlike Danny, who by all accounts is a world-class asshat.

lubuntu forcepae:  Dear God, how old is this CPU of yours?

her junior:  And next year, her senior.

so doggone cute:  Probably why she was dating a junior in the first place.

a:  Seriously, that’s it: “a.” How the hell am I #11 for that?

itunes3:  Almost certainly faster and less bloated than iTunes 12.

column b in tyler’s spreadsheet contains the addresses of his clients. some of the addresses are truncated so roger:  Can’t poach them. Either that or Tyler just doesn’t know how to work a spreadsheet.

bill smith batman:  To some of us, Adam West will always be Batman.

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Strange search-engine queries (592)

Time once again for that crazed weekly feature in which we sift through all the recent search traffic in a desperate attempt to churn up some mirth.

jenny scordamaglia no pants:  Some days she wears no nothing.

nsa sex embden:  I’m guessing “embden” is Swedish for “covfefe.”

mathis brothers zoo pass:  And you thought they just ran a furniture store.

is dreamhost down:  If so, how am I typing this?

how to hack tinder password:  I’m sure the word “swipe” plays a role here.

eset keeps blocking url:  Um, that’s what you pay them to do for you, or perhaps for your mom.

which is better honda or toyota yahoo answers:  I wouldn’t trust one of those Yahoos to judge a beauty contest with one entrant.

gonojagoron moncho:  Drafted at number 56 by the Spurs.

change your default browser’s search:  I’d appreciate it if you’d change to something that doesn’t block me.

bixby bridge suicides:  Always a tragedy, no matter what you heard.

this will be the day that i die:  Please tell me you’re not in Bixby.

beautiful and damned:  You might want to pull over before you get to Bixby.

are you hanging on the edge of your seat:  Beats the hell out of hanging off a bridge.

glados fast gibberish slowed down:  If she wanted you to understand, you would understand.

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Strange search-engine queries (591)

Monday morning has come, as it does seemingly every darn week, and that means it’s time for another traipse through the search strings that bring people to this site. Most of them are fairly unremarkable, so the trick here is to find those that aren’t.

cruex staffing:  I know from Cruex, and all else being equal, I’d just as soon not have it near my staff, if you know what I mean.

upskirts vaccine:  I don’t think there’s a shot that can prevent upskirts, and if there were, several hundred YouTubers would have to get real jobs.

during a long drive tony counted:  And then he arrived at his destination, and he didn’t count anymore.

lara and her friends visit a new restaurant in town called betelgeuse. they just happen to notice it while on a long drive. lara and her friends like the ambience, décor, as well as the food. lara is surprised when she finds out that the restaurant has been open for two years and neither her friends:  Nor Lara herself ever mentioned it more than three times in succession.

worst ransomware ever:  It installs Windows Vista and expects you to pay the cost of a Windows 10 license to get your system back.

@fmail:  A late larval stage of Gmail.

woody got wood pastebin:  I’d hate to see what Dickie gets.

keith olbermann the resistance:  Had I a cable network, I’m pretty sure I could resist Keith Olbermann.

distracking:  A much-desired browser feature that would screw up Big Data’s demands for all your personal information.

they went to jared:  And Jared offered them Vladimir Putin’s private phone number.

strange family:  It was strange before Jared became a member.

elevated perspective meaning:  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has it; Mickey Rooney, not so much.

jenny scordamaglia hosts nightclub in nothing but body paint:  And you’ve got a problem with that?

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Strange search-engine queries (590)

If you’re new around here, let us fill you in on what happens in this weekly feature. A substantial percentage of traffic to this site consists of searchers, be they from Google, Yahoo!, Bing, DuckDuckGo, or any of several others. What they may be searching for, we don’t know until we look through the logs; and if we’re lucky, we’ll find something worth passing on. (And yes, I suppose we’re always lucky; we wouldn’t be in the 590th installment if we hadn’t been.)

my cadillac 2005 sts makes a snapping sound coming from the rear and leans what could it be:  A very large repair bill.

devon knows that there are 3 teaspoons (tsp) in 1 tablespoon (tbsp). his cookie recipe calls for 6 tbsp of honey. which expressions can be used to find the number of tsp in 6 tbsp?  Enough of a frown to get parental attention.

the things that michelle gave up from her decision are called the:  Tablespoons of honey.

aprilbugs:  Immature form of junebugs.

brad pitt astrology:  He’s a Sagittarius, just like me. (Well, he’s a Sagittarius, anyway.)

tumblr bimbo milf:  You don’t ask much, do you?

quoth the raven 404:  Lenore must have been more lost than we thought.

spoony’s brother killed a man:  Just to watch him die?

the cramped quarters migrant boat:  Well, yeah. Migrants seldom can afford cabin cruisers.

new six:  For when those old V8s are banned.

amazon service error 1002:  It’s your fault. Amazon is never wrong.

a manufacturer wishes to make tee-shirts for the band dixie chicks. they sell for $12 each:  Not in the real world, they don’t.

armadillo syphilis:  They’re gonna love this down at the clinic, I just know it.

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Strange search-engine queries (589)

As your mother has warned you already, this is where weird search strings go to die. The odd aspect of this, of course, is that they were headed this way anyway.

technology semiaccurate:  This is maybe partially true.

charles barkley fathead:  Thia is maybe partially true.

alice has seven times the amount of pens that maurice has. paul has two- thirds of the amount of pens as alice and suzy have combined. dawn has a dozen more pens than paul. suzy has half the pens that maurice has. if suzy has 2 pens, how many does dawn have?  This is obviously a plot by Alice to maintain her near-monopoly over the pen market.

prndl clothing:  Sounds kinda shifty to me.

carbohydrates in the morning:  Carbs in the evening, carbs at suppertime; be my carbohydrate, add glucose all the time.

taint technical term:  If you have to ask, we should probably change the subject.

“five rings”:  Therefore it’s not a genuine Audi.

mohamed kotbi:  This is not Kathie Lee Gifford’s co-host.

misery index venezuela:  Pretty much zero, if you’re Nicolás Maduro. Otherwise, you’re screwed.

item is not found at this moment, if necessary, please verify with the package sender and check back later:  This is what life was like before there were tracking numbers.

60 seconds of solitude in year zero torrent:  It’ll take you a lot longer than 60 second, Leechy Boy.

shoes off at the door:  This is actually fairly common. Pants off at the door, not so much.

texas asshole massacre:  But they’ll never get all of ’em.

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Strange search-engine queries (588)

Because it’s Monday, and because we’ve done this every Monday for about ten years, we present the most recent gleanings from the search logs, selected on the basis of laugh potential.

can mazda dealers work on transmissions:  It’s usually easier to swap out a failed unit for a newly-rebuilt one. Don’t ask what it costs.

in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  A new government health-insurance plan. Don’t ask what it costs.

political free zone:  My house, plus everything that’s adjacent to it.

suppose that the probability of getting pulled over for erratic driving is 60% in berkeley and 40% in reno. assume you are an erratic driver. if you flip a fair coin to decide which city to visit, what is the probability that you will get pulled over?  One hundred percent, because you have Mississippi plates.

ukulele stand: I’m for ’em.

warren spends all his income on dvds and beer, currently consuming three dvds and ten beers. suppose the price of beer rises. we can infer that: Eventually he’ll say “Screw it” and switch to Netflix.

under until upskirts vacuum:  Not sure what you want here, but at least the request is alphabetized.

dated dealtime declare deficit:  Not sure what you want here, but at least the request is alphabetized.

upskirts vacuum varies:  All right, this is getting ridiculous.

the money collected from selling bacon:  A most honorable sum indeed.

deanne is married to a very wealthy attorney and she wants everyone to know that. she drives an expensive car, wears designer clothing, and diamond jewelry. in doing so, which of the following traits does deanne exhibit?  Having never outgrown middle-school intrigue.

defiring:  Not gonna happen. Now get the heck outta here.

redneck haiku:  This here’s my trailer. If you don’t want no trouble, you’ll back off right now.

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Strange search-engine queries (587)

This thing we do once a week, it’s fairly simple to describe: we sort through the search strings that bring this site to people’s attention — generally, this implies results no farther down than Page 10 — and we hope we’ll find something, um, strange. (Which we always have.)

bare butts archive:  Well, of course; you can’t forget something like that.

will you be able:  I’m sure I can, but like I said, I don’t want to leave that behind.

octopus bimaculoides for sale:  Expect one from Apple under the name “iCephalopod.”

al gore keeping the dream alive:  With his electric bills, he pretty much has to.

fiat price:  More than you think, considering you’re expected to pay for it with fiat currency.

priuser:  You can’t get much Priuser than with an actual Prius.

165sr13:  No, you can’t stretch those onto those hideous 22-inch “rims” of yours.

duck dildo:  Obviously you’ve never seen a duck dong in, um, person.

how to make an invisibility potion in real life:  You’ll need eleven secret herbs and spices.

shoshanna and jackson work in the same company and have the same immediate supervisor. they are extremely unhappy and feel that they are being unfairly treated in the workplace. shoshanna decides to write a blog to vent her frustrations and allows jackson to add his feelings too:  And after they were both fired, they shared a refrigerator box near the corner of 34th and Vine.

gratingest generation:  Let’s not blame everything on Millennials all the time, okay?

the attitude of king james i toward tobacco:  He cursed Sir Walter Raleigh, who was such a stupid git.

king uszniewicz and his uszniewicztones:  Oh, what the hell:

Rumors persist that the late, lamented Cub Koda had something to do with the King and the U-Tones.

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Strange search-engine queries (586)

Welcome to Monday. Please don’t yawn. This is a weekly compendium of search strings which brought this very site to the attention of random Googlers and Bingers and whatever out there.

Oh, all right then, go ahead and yawn.

According to research on the so-called 10-year rule, superstar achievers are distinguished by their:  Refusal to pay attention to something as cut and dried as a “10-year rule.”

horse feeds pigeons:  But feeds them to whom?

elevated perspective meaning:  You’re looking down your nose at the rest of us.

Assume every semester after finals you fly back to your hometown using a​ $300 ticket you buy online:  In a year’s time, you’ll have spent three and a half hours being groped by the TSA.

zooeybot:  How can I get on the waiting list?

“the webmaster” or thewebmaster or “thewebmaster.com”:  I should probably block this guy’s IP before he spams me.

anything but sue:  Consider this before contacting a lawyer.

ironing naked:  Well, you certainly wouldn’t want to iron something while you’re wearing it.

hoda kotb upskirt:  Never seen that. Have you checked with Kathie Lee?

eset keeps blocking url:  They’re probably doing you a favor.

2010 mefi comments, all users:  You’ll get through À la recherche du temps perdu faster than that.

life insurance without medical exam:  You probably should have thought of that long before turning sixty.

bill oreilly keep his scolds perch:  He probably should have thought of that long before turning horndog.

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Strange search-engine queries (585)

And here we are at Monday again, wondering how the week’s going to go. In the meantime, this is what’s showing up in the search logs.

neon bras:  I mean, yeah, if you’re wanting to attract attention, then sure.

beautiful woman turns invisible:  In which case, she might want to lose the neon bra.

A town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. The new road is:  About twenty times as expensive as the old one.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  I’m not sure I’d want to see smut from such a source.

princess twilight sparkle figure:  At least it’s not likely to be smutty.

stop, hammer time:  I’m not about to touch that.

unlaying:  Oh, great, the hens are on strike again.

bullet dealer missouri:  Have you tried a place that also sells guns?

triggered gun:  The best kind, unless you’re keen to waste bullets.

google eats:  Trust me, you can’t afford to feed it.

a few inches later:  Yeah, that’s what she said right after she decided to dump you.

short stroke:  Along with that.

w-2 scam:  You’ve got a day and a half to clear this up.

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Strange search-engine queries (584)

This site, as previously mentioned, is now 21 years (and one day) old. And this particular feature, wherein we examine the search strings that provoked visits to that site, has been around for about half that time. How this happened, we’ll never know.

maybe your daughter? young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  Not my daughter, and she’d plant a boot up your butt if you so much as suggested it.

1997 mazda 626 od light flashes but does not rev up motor when it comes on going down hiway:  Prepare your checkbook.

naked car men:  They better hope they don’t have a transmission failure while they’re going down the highway.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Probably less than 40 percent of the service.

why is beaver slang for a woman’s private area:  None of your business. It’s private. Go back to looking for milf bimbos on Tumblr.

“wordpress” “backup” -“cv” -“resume” -“hiring” -“free software” -“powered by” -“wordpress.com” -“wordpress.co.uk” -“last updated:” -“last update” -“just another” -“posted from”:  Obviously some clod who has time to do this because he’s unemployed.

“lice masters”+”oklahoma city”:  At least his typing wasn’t lousy.

bob davis fish market okc:  About half a mile from Lice Masters.

until upskirts vacuum varies:  Yeah, but they all suck.

jaded amaranthus automation:  Don’t be such a pigweed.

foreskin rolled back permanently:  Where you gonna go for the rollback? Walmart?

readme.html wordpress capacitor:  I’m not quite sure which this guy understands less: capacitors, or WordPress.

duck i am gonna whip somebody’s:  Acting out of mallards?

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Strange search-engine queries (583)

The cruelest month slides into its third day, and we issue our first batch of selections from the local search strings. And they’re not too bad, we hope.

jack jack jack:  This will persuade most readers that you don’t know jack.

backup exec connection open and login was successful but then an error occurred while enabling mars:  Oh, yeah, like they’d try to enable Uranus.

frontier soups:  Try the Cream of Tumbleweed.

eye of beef:  Use it as an additional flavoring for Cream of Tumbleweed soup.

foreskin puns:  Would not include, for instance, “eye of beef.”

horrid henry horrid homework haze:  Horrid hatred hasn’t helped.

dust robert ashley:  When you had him stuffed and mounted, you promised that you’d keep him clean and dust-free.

mammalian protuberances:  Please do not stare at the women, Mr. Buckley.

her junior:  Because pursuing a freshman under those conditions might look bad.

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Which is why you probably won’t see any more franchises for Kyrgyzstan Fried Chicken.

what is good bone structure:  What you won’t have if the only place you ever eat is Kyrgyzstan Fried Chicken.

“leave a” ~chintziness:  Obviously this does not reference leaving a tip.

police license plate scanner blocker:  You know, if you can afford one of these, you can afford to renew your damn plates.

zodfoot:  An unusually painful experience, generally prompted by failing to kneel before Zod.

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Strange search-engine queries (582)

Welcome to Monday. As always, we begin the week with a trip through the search strings that lead people to this very site. Some of them are even amusing, we hope.

joanne had always had great birthday parties, so she was excited for her 18th birthday. however, when the day came, she was disappointed. this illustrates the:  Excruciating dullness that is adulthood.

horse feeds pigeons:  Though probably not to the hungry foals.

nearest steak:  It’s got to be better than those damn pigeons.

dishardening:  When you get older, it’s inevitable.

codes, ciphers and spies tales:  After which, President Trump will excuse himself and go play golf.

life insurance without medical exam or questions:  It helps if you’re only twenty-two.

maybe your daughter? young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  Not my daughter, I assure you.

the cramped quarters migrant boat:  And the airlines are studying how they did it.

suppose a handbill publisher can buy a new duplicating machine for $2000 and the duplicator has a 1-year life. the machine is expected to contribute $2200 to the year’s net revenue:  At which point the publisher discovers he’s working for less than minimum wage and sells the equipment to the nearest Greater Fool.

bucking the vent:  Yeah? Well, buck you too, pal.

peter boorish:  It is. Now put that thing back in your pants.

by the ___, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  “Third year of reality television.”

shoes off at the door:  And drop your pants in the hallway.

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Strange search-engine queries (581)

Our hearts and our brackets equally broken, we return to what we do best: sift through the week’s search strings to see what the population really, truly wants to know.

keith olbermann the resistance:  Makes about as much sense as “Shelley Duvall the Linebacker.”

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  Unlike Danny himself, who is something of a douchecanoe.

radio stations near me:  Are probably playing “Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

russian refineries:  In case the Trump Organization decides to go into the gas-station business.

police license plate scanner blocker:  Or you could just wait for the state to come up with an unreadable plate design on their own.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  Never mind that. Where can I get 25 percent on my savings?

“selfdriving car” or “self-driving car” or “self driving car” or “driverless car” or “autonomous car” or “driverless vehicle” or “robotic car”:  Guy looking for a self-writing essay.

the law of demand​ implies, holding everything else​ constant, that as the price of yogurt:  Decreases, the number of hipsters increases.

premium jailbait:  Instead of five to ten years, you get 15 to 30.

which scenario best demonstrates the function of money as a measure of value? joel has been keeping his spare change in a jar for months. he decides to cash it in, so he takes it to the bank. he gets a crisp $20 bill in exchange for his collection of coins. lin has been saving $10 a week for college:  And will have enough to cover the costs of her Airing of Grievances degree by the year 2081.

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Free-range crickets, among other things.

microwave oven custom kitchen delivery:  Shut up and get to moving those refrigerators.

marvin gaye kevin durant:  Name two guys who have declared “Ain’t that peculiar?”

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Strange search-engine queries (580)

Why, yes, we are a trifle bleary-eyed this morning, no thanks to DST, but we’re still here at the old stand with your weekly selection of odd search strings, as reported to this very site.

Which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? Most people steal money if i:  Send them a check on or before the 15th of April.

scott, a young professional, buys a new bmw, even though a ford would have cost him less. scott values the bmw brand. this is an example of:  A desperate attempt to build self-esteem.

female y chromosome:  Um, no, not really, though that cutie in the silver Bimmer is deadnamed “Scott.”

her name was joanne:  Well, yeah, once she decided she didn’t want to be “Scott” anymore.

a few inches later:  Okay, that’s enough talk about Joanne for now.

clock that says 12:30:  Hmmm. Must be half past one.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  Swipe their password.

fakelike:  Similar to, but not exactly equal to, a fake.

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  And therefore she will be defeated in her run for a City Council seat.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Can’t be more than, oh, fifty thousand of those.

amy taller than sonic:  Doesn’t matter. She only has eyes for the little blue blur.

taxpayers fork out $30k for shady feast:  $4k of that was for keeping the sun off the food table.

are they ill tempered:  They are if their lunches spoiled in the heat.

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Strange search-engine queries (579)

Yet another installment of this excursion into the land where the search strings are kept. (Contrary to popular belief, it’s not in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch.)

upskirts vaccine varied:  Wait until he finds out that most people get a shot in the arm.

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:  Tourist traps just off the Interstate.

tg://resolve?domain=stalin_gulag:  This was resolved by the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

a dealership purchased a four door sedan:  And sold it for twice its value to someone who couldn’t afford it.

lolita channel rule34:  Not here, guys. Go somewhere else to lust after tweens.

written episode legs:  There is such a thing as overly limited fanfiction.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  Extreme boredom, until he gets out of Iowa.

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  100 percent, once Juan hooks up with Barry.

the news/talk/information radio format appeals to advertisers looking to target:  People who are overly obsessed with politics, but who have jobs.

“lice masters”+”oklahoma city”:  Typed with one hand while scratching his head with the other.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn:  Better them than me.

2002 mazda 626 common problems:  For one thing, it’s fifteen years old.

dolts:  But enough about Congress.

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Strange search-engine queries (578)

A couple thousand people wander onto this site every week, and you have to figure they’re not all here to listen to me complain about corporate average fuel economy or wax lyrical about some starlet’s dazzling legs. They’re looking for something, and looking at those somethings is what we do on a Monday morning.

little fat yogurt girl shit outside street porn:  Which is not to say that we necessarily enjoy looking at those somethings.

fakelike:  For when full fake is overkill.

in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The one where persons of no recognizable merit are handed the reins of power.

frickin frack:  What she said after the earthquake rattled her home in the oil patch.

in this stanza, prufrock repeats “do i dare?” three times. what does the repetition indicate about his state of mind? he is indecisive. he is worried about the stairs. he is adventurous. he wants to be on time:  And he’s afraid of drooling peach juice down his vest.

upskirts vaccine varied:  I don’t think they give shots for that.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is delivering:  Her bid to succeed Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary.

“marlboro” “smut”:  The third-largest export of Marlboro Country, following tobacco and emphysema.

crossdresser fingering:  So long as he keeps it to himself.

handful of singles:  What’s left of your savings account.

paul savage purchased a restaurant named burger haven from larry jones. the purchase would cause the number of reporting entities to:  Go somewhere else for lunch.

48 hour psychiatric hold:  After which you will be released into the wild once more.

who is judge jeanine pirro’s plastic surgeon:  I have no idea, but surely he deserves a raise.

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Strange search-engine queries (577)

“I knew, even before the Internet was invented, that some people would use it to discover strange, wondrous things.” — George Washington (1732-1799)

drawing conclusions about every woman who wears a size 14 or larger in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who wear a size 14 or larger would be:  A really good way to get your ass kicked by some very angry women.

student loan debt blog:  Twenty years gone by, and they still haven’t finished it.

10cc neofascism:  You’re taking those rubber bullets far too seriously.

666 yahoo answers:  Of which approximately 80 made sense on first reading.

aaron’s persistent feelings of sadness and impending doom dominate his life. every time he says anything even a little positive to his therapist, the therapist smiles. otherwise the therapist has a stone face. this therapist is probably using some variation of:  Psychotherapy for Dummies (Second Edition).

bob seger birthday meme:  If your birthday is the sixth of May, you’re going to Katmandu.

12yo slut:  Now see? This is what happens when you let adolescents search for porn.

new six:  Will appear in more full-size trucks as CAFE makes V8 engines problematic.

trumpcare meme:  Just lie down over there until you get better.

on march 1 1982 john deposited $2250:  Which today is worth nearly seven hundred dollars.

economy in shambles:  According to each president since Benjamin Harrison, what his predecessor left behind.

elizabeth kucinich tongue ring:  Is this why we haven’t heard much from Dennis lately?

invisible clothes for women:  Approved by the Emperor himself.

is kevin durant marvin gaye’s grandson:  Is this something you heard through the grapevine?

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Strange search-engine queries (576)

What we have here, as we have had most Monday mornings for the last decade or so, is a collection of the weirder search strings that led people to this very site. (Don’t worry if one of them is yours: yes, we do record your IP address, but yes, we’re too lazy to track you down.)

how to replace a toilet:  Inevitably, this must have come up on a weekend when the plumbers charge extra.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  Which, judging from some of the box sets I’ve seen lately, should be assumed.

russell westbrook points:  And then laughs.

pony insurance:  In case you were wondering how Filthy Rich earned his cutie mark.

judge jeanine naked:  Fox News doesn’t need ratings that badly.

bail bonds near me:  Which makes more sense than, say, bail bonds at the other end of the county.

2017 surly troll:  Steve Bannon, had he not gotten a government job.

written episode legs:  Including several pages of shoe dangle, presumably for fanservice.

a few inches later:  She told him to get off and quit wasting her time.

626 number meaning:  It is the number of the man half a block from the Beast.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  The same old thing, because competitors will immediately throw cash on their hoods.

are they ill tempered:  Ever since the election.

nudist fiction:  Presumably taking place in the summer, for what I would consider obvious reasons.

foreskin news:  With your host, fast-talkin’, slow walkin’, good-lookin’ Mohel Sam.

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Strange search-engine queries (575)

After yesterday’s overblown spectacle, it’s nice to come home and tuck into a few search strings.

Wait, what? It’s Monday? Oh, well. Never mind.

anything but sue:  Unlike the situation which prevails today, in which anyone can sue anyone else over anything.

is chocolate milk bad for you:  Everything is bad for you. Don’t worry about it.

i have seen you somewhere:  Was I drinking chocolate milk?

waiting for january like:  This being February, you’re in for a long wait.

my woody’s outside covered with snow:  So that’s why you were waiting for January.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is:  Looking for a job as a political strategist.

my parents didn’t steal an elephant:  And this is why you’re so screwed up at thirty-five.

after polly shrum sells a stock, she avoids following it in the media. she is afraid that it may subsequently increase in price. what behavioral characteristic does shrum have as the basis for her decision making?  Fear of her brother-in-law offering to give her investment advice.

daddy is so big:  You’ll catch up when you’re older, shrimp.

mr. loopner born without a spine:  Didn’t keep him from being elected, though.

“special snowflake”:  Once you’ve seen enough of them, they won’t seem so damn special anymore.

susan asked her roommate to lower the radio as she was trying to study. her roommate had turned the radio up originally from a volume level of 14 to 15, which was just enough for susan to detect. she turned it back down to 14 after susan asked her to lower it, which satisfied susan. this is probably:  Still too damn loud, and how did she get it up past 11?

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is about:  As big around as a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

aw heck why not both:  Then again, why either?

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Strange search-engine queries (574)

A lot of traffic here comes from random Googlers or Bingers or Whateverers who are looking for something specific, and the sheer volume of content I maintain — we’re coming up on 30,000 pages now — practically assures said randoms that if you dig down far enough, you’ll hit this place. (To prevent this, search engines limit the number of results they send, and who can blame them?) What they don’t know, of course, is that I read them, and once a week I post some of the weirder ones.

assume every semester after finals you fly back to your hometown using a​ $300 ticket you buy online. you have​ 40,000 frequent flier miles. you could exchange your miles for a​ round-trip ticket to bermuda over spring break:  It’s a shame you can’t cash in those miles to reduce your student-loan debt.

fourth font:  A sign that you’ve overdecorated your Web page.

what is the mass of the water located in the right arm between the dashed line and the right cap?  This says “I will do anything to avoid actually solving this problem.”

theresa may upskirt:  I’m sure Mrs Thatcher never had to put up with stuff like this.

madison gets annoyed because her friend susannah forwards to her every chain email that lands in her inbox. madison needs to tell susannah to:  At the very least, “Stop forwarding that crap to me.”

they went to jared:  And Jared told them to make their own damn sandwiches.

michelle left dirty dishes in the sink for a couple of days. when her roommate tania saw this, she left a note on michelle’s door demanding that michelle clean up after herself. after reading the note, michelle angrily put her garbage cans in front of tania’s door. tania then went into:  A fit of pique.

naturalist cleaners:  Removes even the filthiest soil samples from your field gear.

2017 surly troll:  Trust me, trolls have been surly since the earliest days of Usenet.

which of the following statements supports the idea presented in this quote from the excerpt? were there not even these inducements to moderation, nothing could be more ill-judged than that intolerant spirit which has, at all times, characterized political parties:  Especially the parties that want to pretend that they’re tolerant.

nude sneeze:  If nothing else, it will keep snot off your clothes.

my parents didn’t steal an elephant by uriah c lasso:  Which in no way resembles The African Princess by Erasmus B. Black.

suppose you are about to graduate from high school and your generous aunt scharf makes you an offer. she will give you $2000 today or she will give you $2500 in four years when you graduate from college. assume no inflation or taxes:  And then facepalm when you realize the likelihood of having no inflation or taxes.

baby on board something something burt ward:  Holy vagueness, Batman!

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Strange search-engine queries (573)

Exactly zero individuals paraded through the streets this past weekend demanding this feature. Not that I’m surprised, mind you.

daddy browning peaches:  Threw ’em on the grill right next to the pork chops, he did.

kenworth check engine light with wrench:  Will cost you money. Get used to it.

banana slug search engine:  That’ll teach you to laugh at DuckDuckGo.

the carson family will purchase three used cars. there are two models of cars available, model a and model b, each of which is available in four colors: blue, black, red, and green. how many different combinations of three cars can the carsons select if all the cars are to be different colors?  And then they got to the dealership and all the cars were white, black or grey.

judge jeanine pirro cleavage:  You wouldn’t have noticed back in the days when she was wearing the standard judicial robe.

consider the sauce:  And only then order your pizza.

“special snowflake”:  More than a handful, and suddenly they don’t seem so damn special anymore.

female y chromosome:  Y is Y, whether girl or guy.

foreskin rolled back permanently:  Do you have a Y chromosome?

countering foreign propaganda and disinformation act of 2016:  We’re now supposed to give preference to domestic propaganda and disinformation.

google eats:  Your soul. Prepare to switch to Bing.

jack baruth wife:  This would be the legendary Danger Girl, who can and will kick your ass if you give her any grief.

small towns balk at amtrak plan to expedite boston route:  Especially small towns in Nebraska, which will not benefit from it.

renee richards argues in favor of reducing the patient load of our nurses. but it’s obvious why she says this. renee is a nurse herself, so of course she wants a reduced patient load. nobody should pay too much attention to her pleas:  Must be a different Renee Richards. The one I know about plays tennis.

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