Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (500)

Most of my brilliant blog ideas from the past two decades wouldn’t last for five posts, let alone five hundred. Yet here we are, doing that same old “What are you looking for?” scheme from ten years ago. The concept first appeared here, in August 2005; the current title was adopted a month later. The methodology has shifted a bit over the years, but the premise is always the same: you were looking for something, and at some point you noticed something here on this very site. With 25,000 or so pages on site, it’s hard not to find a match here for something, but most people won’t dig down too deeply, and the machines quit supplying results after a thousand or so.

ariel winter soles:  Now this is a man steadfast in his perversity: the poor girl gets a bewb job for medicinal reasons, but he’s only interested in her feet.

armenian foot fetish:  Then again, there is no shortage of Kardashians.

jay complains to his father that he wants more juice. his father takes the juice jay has in his glass and pours it into a taller but narrower glass. jay is now content that he has more juice. jay has apparently failed to develop:  But it won’t stop him from a successful career in American politics.

chkdsk wine:  If you’re lucky, you’ll have to do this at every reboot.

intravenous wine:  And I thought I was lazy.

pervy sloth meme:  Where would a sloth find the time to be pervy?

liability and coverage:  Don’t worry, Mrs C, the public will never know about your ability to lie.

peter yarrow net worth:  As the sole heir to Puff the Magic Dragon — well, a dragon lives forever, so Peter will be waiting a while.

claremore company received $7:  For which they paid 52 cents in Oklahoma tax.

if the word “win” is on a list of words a child is asked to remember:  Then this child is now forty, because schools haven’t taught anything abouut winning for thirty years.

baptize a cat:  If it’s full immersion, you’ll have the devil to pay.

can cats feel earthquakes:  Yes. They prefer them to baths.

cnn breaking news: south carolina to ban the sale of tylenol in bottles because they fear picking the cotton from the bottle may represent racism and slavery:  Must be a hoax, since there was no missing airliner involved.

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Strange search-engine queries (499)

People look for stuff. This has been true of the World Wide Web ever since it went, um, World Wide back in the 1990s. I figure, the very least I can do is try to find what they’re looking for, and this is what the logs are for.

how to get rid of texting sound on galaxy prevolt:  Maybe if you don’t actually text.

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  Describe a method of destroying said subculture once and for all.

i hope they serve beer in hell:  They do. However, the British provided the refrigeration system.

we first knew them as the cute:  “Who are the major consumers of cosmetic surgery?”

too large penis:  Yeah, tell me another one, Stubby.

teenagers spend billions of dollars on stereo equipment and compact discs. they have the ability:  To deafen you at great distances.

world tour fishing couldn’t connect to gate server:  Insufficient bait.

how to hump a stuffed animal if your a girl:  Actual girls would never, ever have to ask this.

extreme jailbait:  You’re thinking of zygotes.

four winds revolving restaurant half price:  Must have been the day they could muster up only two winds.

spoony’s brother killed a man:  Doo-dah, doo-dah.

she’s got bite marks on her tongue:  All the doo-dah day.

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Strange search-engine queries (498)

This is the usual Monday-morning romp through the thicket of search strings that’s grown up around this site. You may have seen it once or twice before. (To the handful of you who have seen all 498 of these: what should you have been doing instead?)

james bond nightflies highly compressed working game download:  I suspect when James Bond is working, the entire timeline is highly compressed.

a flower for everybody:  Covered with bees?

mesonet cool machine the joker yet babe youtube:  Maybe if we give everybody a flower.

Latina nudists:  We will have no jokes about brown people.

if bribes cost $1:  A lot of people would move out of Washington in search of a better place to earn a dishonest living.

you probably believe that the earth is spherical:  What’s more, I think this song is about me.

pony in a car:  Let’s hope the seats are adjustable.

my child won’t stop talking:  Yet when said child is very quiet, you will immediately become suspicious.

justin bieber sagging:  He does seem to be aging a bit quicker than normal.

how to get lots of subscribers on youtube fast and free:  Improve the quality of the crap you’ve been posting.

guys comparing penis size:  They’re always doing that for some ungodly reason.

guy pout:  He came up short in the comparison.

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Strange search-engine queries (497)

Comes Monday, and comes once more this weekly feature of the wackiest search strings that got this site up in people’s browsers. We do this because (1) it’s weirdly popular and (2) it’s less effort than actually writing something.

sanrio lawsuits etsy:  Because Hello Kitty belongs to the world — except, of course, for you and your little online store.

explained the deviation from the life cycle model for an 40 year old married male,self employed with:  An active Tinder account and a suspicious spouse.

teen in thongs with cameltoe non nude:  Technically, if she’s wearing that much, she’d have to be “non nude,” doncha think?

knee appalling tan:  You know, you probably shouldn’t have had that stuff sprayed on while you were seated.

how to make viagra at home for men:  You’ll need a can of spray starch and a pair of forceps.

find a company that will deliver a storage unit to my door orinda ca:  Having a storage unit by the door probably violates a town ordinance.

rebecca black high school:  Who would have thought they’d ever name a high school after Rebecca Black?

is oklahoma on a fault line:  Naw. All these earthquakes are caused by guys in $500 cars with $1500 stereos.

jersey barrier mover:  Gonna take more than your feeble F-250 duallie, bucko.

would like to swing on a star:  Here’s a jar. Don’t come back until you’ve crammed it full of moonbeams.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink:  Which for no apparent reason he ate last.

the endochronic properties of resublimated thiotimoline:  We already got to that next week.

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Strange search-engine queries (496)

Wherein we take a look around at the search strings that have led people to this site, and wonder what we did wrong.

(No lions were harmed in the construction of this article.)

was david stanley dealership okc fined $350,000 for false advertising:  If you’ve ever heard any of their radio ads, you’d want to fine them, whether the claims were true or not.

i hate dicks kayser roth meme:  I get the impression that this originally was two separate ideas squoze down into one.

beings unguzzled:  So don’t just stand there. Guzzle.

lesbian valvejob tongue:  Men, by contrast, have hydraulic lifters.

hebephilia tumblr:  Probably less than ten percent of it, overall.

barely dressed teen:  Did you try this search on Hebephilia Tumblr?

male pee desperation googlism:  Sorry. Can’t talk now. Gotta go. Sorry.

sansabelt action zone:  Too much slack in those slacks, bud.

oversized male genitalia syndrome:  Is it really a syndrome if 90 percent of men claim to be, um, suffering from it?

has morgan fairchild ever been nude:  Never. Not once. Why, she has a set of jumpsuits designed specifically for bathing.

quadruple boobs:  Are they all in a row, or arranged two by two?

gargantuan tits:  Big deal — unless, of course, you have four of them.

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Strange search-engine queries (495)

Yes, folks, it’s time once again for us to shake out the logs and hope something funny, or at least inexplicably stupid, falls out. Fortunately, something usually does.

viascum scam:  Or is that “viascam scum”?

when you barely stick the tip in:  You get her just as pregnant, with none of the attendant pleasures.

just gopher it:  I can’t gopher that. (No can do.)

superior potassium:  Sort of like Special K, then?

bobby goldsboro ethnicity:  He Japanese boy, he love you.

nothing ruins hump day like:  Not humping.

bra “uncomfortable”:  Well, Chuckie, you probably shouldn’t have been rummaging through your sister’s underwear drawer.

men pee pants:  Well, Chuckie, you probably shouldn’t have been rummaging through your father’s liquor cabinet.

men pout:  Especially, I surmise, after they’ve just peed their pants.

spoiler on the back of a car:  Because putting it on the front would look stupid.

seven students — four girls and three boys — have volunteered to direct the class play. mrs. barry decides the only fair way to pick a director is to put all of their names in a hat and draw a name. what is the theoretical probability that a boy’s name will be chosen?  Zero. If they don’t pick a girl, they’ll be facing a Title IX hearing.

gruesome car accident photos with the dead bodies:  You know, Chuckie, I think you were better off wearing your sister’s underwear.

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Strange search-engine queries (494)

Admittedly, we only pull ten or twelve out of the logs for review here, but remember: #AllSearchesMatter.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn in 60 minutes if they work together. if hilda works three times as fast as stan:  It’s because Stan spent the first half of the weekend on the couch watching sports and has no energy left for actual work.

brain teaser: i am something:  Yeah, you just think you’re something.

whatever happened to quinn cummings:  She’s on Twitter as @quinncy, her lacerating wit intact.

youtubers who smoke cigarettes:  I suspect some of them have been smoking, um, something else.

what ford transmission do i have:  The one that’s broken.

tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength:  Too many people willing to cause too many tragedies.

jerking off made simple:  When, exactly, was it complicated?

the most lewd and vulgar video webcam jailbait girls:  Are still better behaved than Washington politicians.

funny paramecium cartoons:  Oh, they’re so ciliated.

did ariana grande have a baby:  Far as I know, she’s had only donuts.

girl with two heads:  You’d have better luck finding a girl with two faces.

trying to be less of an asshole than yesterday:  Well, thank you for that, Mr. Trump.

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Strange search-engine queries (493)

This feature will be ten years old next month, and well, if it’s still acting like a nine-year-old, well, that’s what happens, right?

kudzu garnish:  It’s true. You default on a payment and they take away a portion of your kudzu until it’s paid.

monothelithic dumbhead:  Well, at least they’re not polythelithic, whatever the heck that means.

ariana grande having sex:  I’m pretty sure this sort of thing is not approved by Dunkin’ Donuts.

ari works at a train station. he notices that more people carry briefcases on wednesday than on sunday. he thinks that maybe this is because more people commute during the week. what should he do next?  He should quit watching briefcases and get his fat ass back to work.

when you find extra fries in the bottom of the bag:  You eat them and you don’t say a word about it to anyone.

reasonable psychic guidance cockeysville:  For instance, “Someday soon you will leave Baltimore County.”

business advisor to walk me through the merger process nueces county tx:  Who the heck would want to merge with you?

i need a business advisor to walk me through the merger process denver co:  Ever think about Corpus Christi, Texas?

my gummy bear dies my unicorn ran away:  And your job moved to Corpus Christi, Texas. This just isn’t your day.

barely-melted capacitor:  You can always wait until it melts completely, but it’s better to replace it now.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  Are you bragging or complaining?

i almost flew ass first into the screen at webcam jackers tube:  Perhaps they can pull you out by your “oversized male genitalia.”

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Strange search-engine queries (492)

We hold these search strings to be self-evident: rather a lot of people, and not just Americans, are looking for rather a lot of peculiar stuff. It falls to me to chronicle it for the sake of cheap laffs.

the who see me:  Yes, but can you see them?

gandolph’s tires sells the same tire globally:  I’m not surprised. There couldn’t have been that much demand just in the Shire.

windows 10 not ready:  So? Windows Vista was never ready.

last supper beer pong:  Oh, that Judas, he’s such a cut-up.

deanne is married to a very wealthy attorney and she wants everyone to know that. she drives an expensive car:  Which she intends to keep after the divorce.

without me you’re a dime but with me you’re a buck fifty lyrics:  Seems like kind of an unbalanced relationship to me, am I right?

how early can i refill my klonopin:  Probably two-thirty, since it’s unlikely you’ll even be awake by noon.

villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot:  Which is why they’ll never make it to supervillain status.

hello kitty hospital gown:  No mouth, and no back either.

seventy percent ethanol:  Sounds like Uncle Zeke halfway through a three-day weekend.

guys pout:  Sometimes they even whine.

can cats feel earthquakes:  What’s more, they don’t like ’em.

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Strange search-engine queries (491)

Just some of what’s been happening on the search-string front recently. (And there’s always something happening on the search-string front, as several years of this feature should have told you by now.)

who important lives on triple xxx road in okla:  Are we not all, in our own ways, important?

keb-c piss and love:  Sounds like a hardware issue to me.

last time i pulled my dick out in public:  You could have heard the giggling from Seattle to Sarasota.

six states down 44 to go:  “What is something never said by Fritz Mondale?”

in a paragraph of seven to ten sentences:  You will probably have put the reader to sleep by the fifth or sixth.

mira vista clothing optional resort tucson gate code:  And are they expecting you?

there was an old man in a tree:  Whose age was a hundred and three; along came a girl, he started to whirl, and while hitting the ground he said “Gee!”

if bribes cost $1:  An awful lot of politicians are gouging us.

mr. thatcher was admitted for a scheduled vasectomy. a vasectomy is the excision of the:  joy of sitting on the sofa watching sports for 48 hours straight.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule:  Given the unsavory results of testing the five-second rule, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go as far as ten years.

the doctors woman can’t recognize family; child caged in class like an animal? controversial eye color procedure? botched breast enhancements:  Press NEXT to continue with this week’s Cable Health News.

suppository fanfiction:  Probably written by some asshole.

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Strange search-engine queries (490)

The days are now getting shorter, at least on this half of the globe, but there’s no evidence to suggest that people looking for weird stuff on the Intertubes are in any way reducing their volume.

a young woman who formerly had a fairly high sex drive:  Eventually met me.

why dont we feel the earth move:  Maybe your sex drive isn’t what it used to be.

brain teaser: i am something:  No, you’re not. You are Nothing. Do you hear me? NOTHING!

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  It was the first time she’d had any proper ventilation since the A/C compressor froze up that day in Lubbock.

shoes that look like food:  I live in constant fear that some day Crocs will produce a special Taco Edition.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  Surprisingly, the guys have not been complaining much.

shall i compare thee to a summer’s day hot as balls:  You’re new at this sonnet stuff, aren’t you?

rock man from fantastic four:  That would be Benjamin J. Grimm, who’s tired of being treated like a Thing.

is jailbait legal:  Perhaps you’re not comprehending that word jail.

cover photos for facebook timeline for girls attitude 399 pixels wide:  My, but aren’t we picky today.

oreo tits:  Hold out for the Double Stuf if you can.

things just happen what the hell:  Now you’re catching on.

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Strange search-engine queries (489)

If you’re just joining us — which is not entirely impossible, since we’ve had a smidgen of traffic growth of late — this weekly feature is intended to illustrate a range of search strings received at this site, from weird to really weird.

what kind of sexualized:  I dunno. What’ve ya got?

mia has lived in new york city all her life. she has noticed that people from upper manhattan walk really fast:  They’re afraid they’ll miss the train.

a young woman who formerly had a fairly high sex drive:  Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?

adam wrote a check for $38 to pay his monthly gas bill:  Must have been summer.

whats third base with a guy:  Having the gas bill paid.

jane says her cousin is “big boned” instead of saying she’s overweight:   Never mind that. What does Jane say about Rachel Dolezal?

white dora the explorer:  Doesn’t sell as well as more vibrant varieties.

last supper beer:  Peter insisted on Rolling Rock for some reason.

wrong turn 3:  The first one was interesting, the second one a little more focused; but in this third outing director Alan Smithee is clearly off his game.

sophia is in the fifth grade and lives in one of the most impoverished areas in the state. she has a history of academic failure:  But she will rise above these obstacles and take her place among the legions of mid-level bureaucrats who take two hours for lunch.

11 year old bra:  It still fits!

real women don’t date arsenal fans:  We’re sorry. This is the United States of America. We pay no attention to that soccer stuff.

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Strange search-engine queries (488)

Once a year, a small but substantial segment of the population wonders if one thoroughbred can win the three biggest races of the year. Meanwhile, once a week, I wonder if I can find a dozen funny search strings in the log. Don’t bother placing your bets.

god “but when he moves, he moves quickly”:  Like who’s gonna stop God? Not me.

but your lovin don’t pay my bills pic:  Cut to picture of stack of bills going unpaid, and wonder how sex makes a difference.

Pics of nude apeman and wife sexing wild in the jungle and wrestling:  After that, I’m ready to look at a stack of unpaid bills.

fear of boobs:  In that case, you might not want to stare at the apeman’s wife.

points a and b are on opposites sides of wewoka lake. from a third point:  You want to summon help, because you shouldn’t have been out in this weather, what with everything flooded and all.

popeye’s fried chicken just took out an 8 percent interest-only loan of $50:  What, did they run out of biscuits or something?

worst eurovision outfits:  Are generally indistinguishable from the best Eurovision outfits.

taylor swift armpit hair:  This explains “nightmare dressed like a daydream,” anyway.

spoiler on back of car:  Well, it would be pointless to put one on the front of the car.

is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and ‘mangled mind’ leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict:  Fortunately, you can always start a #hashtag on Twitter.

iraq was formerly known as:  A hell of a lot quieter than it is now.

larry derryberry hairy fairy query:  Now that’s scary.

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Strange search-engine queries (487)

The time has come to modify this format a bit. With new logs from StatCounter and the incorporation of Google’s Webmaster Tools, search data are now much more easily analzyed, but the search string and the URL which doesn’t contain it anymore — both Google and Yahoo! are routinely encrypting search data — are no longer easily associated with one another. Reasoning that no one was actually clicking on the original URL in the first place, I have decided simply to leave the links off. (Links will seem to appear, for visual continuity, but they go nowhere.)

manny has been a coffee drinker since he started college three years ago. now he realizes that anytime he smells coffee when he enters a nearby starbucks he starts to feel more alert and awake even before he takes his first sip of coffee. this is an example of:  How we are in thrall to the vendors of Things Not Necessarily Good For Us.

mongoose web server:  Apparently not written in the Cobra programming language.

if you shopped at target from november 27 through december 18:  Your personal data is now being shopped in Central Europe, and bringing less money than you think it’s worth.

taylor swift sweat:  $95 an ounce at better retailers everywhere.

overlord of flies:  Mosquitoes, though they have more immediate needs, bloodsuckers that they are.

maria bartiromo legs pantyhose pics:  What’s the matter, screenshots aren’t good enough for you?

professional umbrage taker:  There are a lot of such these days, though as always they’re outnumbered by the rank amateurs, some of whom are pretty darn rank.

why do i repel guys:  Maybe you take too doggone much umbrage. Or maybe you just don’t have legs like Maria Bartiromo.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants:  Gentrification would ensue, and the poorer residents would be squeezed out.

christopher is considering breaking up with his high-school sweetheart. he spends many hours weighing the benefits and drawbacks:  And then it occurs to him that he’s 42 years old and probably shouldn’t be dating high-school girls in the first place.

poem I hope you’re not disappointed:  But if you are — hey, no refunds.

“I own a nudist”:  Then it’s a good thing that summer’s coming, am I right?

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Strange search-engine queries (486)

Things are apt to be even stranger for a couple of weeks, as we switch over to a new analytical system; however, we will continue to try to bring you, as we always have, the best of the worst.

Brain bug “Brain sucking” erotic:  Are you sure you didn’t mean “erratic”?

deadline 627 blogorrhea:  Well, then, it’s a good thing we’re only at 5/25.

transmission coolant line serviced now having shift problems:  You’ve heard that phrase “If it ain’t one thing, it’s another”? This is another.

economics At Fenway Park home of Boston Red Sox seating is limited to 34,000. Hence the number of tickets issued is fixed at this figure:  This is Captain Obvious reporting for SportsCenter.

its beautiful:  Yes, Fenway Park has its charms.

i was tortured by the pygmy love queen mp3:  A short-term relationship, I presume.

Taiwan Chat Meet Girls Meet Boys Make Friends Find Love…  Ah, if only it were that simple. (See “pygmy love queen,” supra.)

what was one of the advantages of western civilization:  It was reasonably well-mannered, perhaps too much so to thwart the barbarians at the gate.

your a curator of a museum. the museum is running out of funds-you decide to increase or decrease admission prices:  We’ll file this under “Western Civilization Problems.”

come who is thirty:  Certainly not I.

chevy van song crap:  A lot of those old Chevy vans were crap, and many of them were used to haul crap.

who has the price list for chaz on charles:  Did you check with Chuck?

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Strange search-engine queries (485)

You’ve seen it before, you’re seeing it again: a wholly unscientific sampling of the search strings that brought people to this very site, biased toward whether we could get a joke out of them or not.

steve allen cuando calienta el sol picture cd:  Because you’d never recognize the recording if it had nothing but writing on the case, am I right?

when no one wants you:  Sing a couple verses of “Cuando Calienta El Sol.” It will warm up your cold, cold heart in a matter of … well, years, actually.

1. Tonight you can do anything you want, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant:  Or as Bill Clinton calls it, “Monday.”

July 9 1980 Fire in the hole:  Preparation H works, where Preparations A through G inclusive didn’t.

sextube small girl:  She will not make your objects appear larger, if that’s what you had in mind.

government-mandated 85-mph speedometers:  Now nearly as quaint as landau bars, and only marginally more functional.

barges to use as temporary housing owners:  This may not work well during a flash flood.

transportation fund lock box:  Once jimmied open, it proved to hold a fistful of IOUs, a couple of dustbunnies, and a half-chewed Starburst.

invisible spirits seducing women movies:  They had to be. Before they were invisible, they all looked like Joe Pesci on a bender.

“toe rings under”:  Under what? Under hosiery? Under $10? Insufficient data for conclusion.

2009 state law seattle porpety owner must bear expense of cost over runs:  I imagine a lot of people sold their porpety as a result.

sadamhusain pechar free:  You trying to tell me they cut off Saddam’s pechar?

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Strange search-engine queries (484)

So here we are again, sifting through the system logs in the hopes of finding something that will add a smile, or at least a bemused stare, to your Monday morning. Let’s see:

matthew riley macpherson mozilla:  This is evidently the Rule 63 version of Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout.

nudiarist tchec granny:  On the other hand, this doesn’t sound like Sarah at all.

1985 mazda f3a transmission racing upgrade:  The easiest thing to do here is to remove the bodywork and then shove an actual racing car under it.

hott pechar holye whod:  I’ll be sure to remember that at the next prayer breakfast.

tell my regrandings:  Tell them what?

a boy from coventry has become:  One of the few remaining Labour MPs.

stuart oswald a million little pieces:  Wonder if they make more sense than James Frey’s.

mark twain dog pearly gates:  Their arrivals were not greatly exaggerated.

george washington’s axe principle:  If you were wearing Axe aboard the boat crossing the Delaware, Washington would have thrown you overboard.

mazda 626 engine order of valve adjustment:  Start with the first, and continue until they’re all done.

banker ours:  You go right on thinking that, Mrs. Clinton.

4 girls clothes vanish in the library:  Did you look under 391? Or 687?

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Strange search-engine queries (483)

Now that you’ve had your fill of welterweights for a while, here’s the most lightweight blog feature of them all: the weirdest-looking search strings that landed on this particular Web site in the recent past. Won’t cost you a ridiculous sum to observe, either.

if i was kaiser willheims batman:  I’d expect you to give out with a Wilhelm Scream before too long.

rebecca black person of interest mp3 audio song download song lover and full album for rebecca black:  You’re starting to repeat yourself here. So far, there is no “full album” from Rebecca Black. Wait until Friday.

dodie smith proust:  Author of that incredibly long literary classic whose opening section is titled Dalmatian’s Way.

video mesum john peter everly:  Um, that’s “museum.” And probably “Don” and “Phil.”

where have all the hydrocodones gone:  Gone to 12th Street, every one. When will you ever learn?

mercury mystique transmission problems:  Um, this car is at least 15 years old. What were you expecting?

taking a shellacking:  All else being equal, you’d rather be giving a shellacking.

the saddest thing in the whole wide world is almost:  Having to listen to people fight their middle-school wars into their forties and fifties.

calf falsies:  Vegans are fooled at least 10 percent of the time. Thank you, you’ve been very kind. Try the imitation veal.

Real anal virgins between 18 and 20 years of age earn lettuce by:  Beats me. How about the muff endive?

Best PSA Ever:  The one that says you probably don’t have cancer.

Blogosphere backdrop:  Imagine a boot stomping on a cheap keyboard — forever.

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Strange search-engine queries (482)

How this works: Every week, several hundred people arrive at this site from various search engines. Most of them are looking for fairly ordinary stuff. The rest are scrutinized by our voracious staff, and selections are made, based purely on the basis of snark potential. It’s funny when it works.

song “sweet violets” sweeter than all the roses from Fritz among the gypsies:  And ever since that time, something substantially screwed has been described as “on the Fritz.”

what fuse number for overdrive for 1996 mercury mystic:  I’ll bet you donuts to dog turds it’s not the fuse that’s on the fritz.

1995 ford probe overdrive light flashing:  Hint: it’s not the fuse.

paypal overpayment by quadrillions:  Not to worry. They’ll reclaim the funds, a few trillion at a time.

On the following map, identify these city elements: original city center, older auto suburbs, newer auto suburbs, streetcar suburbs:  I’m betting this is not a map of Snake’s Navel, Nebraska, and that the whining little putz looking for this does all his homework this way.

tyronza ark.nude local girls:  I don’t think girls are even allowed to be nude in Arkansas. And how many could there be in Tyronza, population 762?

exhibitionist nude in public on library pubic and.walking fully nude on nude vista:  So we know that this guy (1) has a fixation and (2) isn’t very good at this, since, per the string, he’s looking for Web pages and not images.

2002 mazda mpv harsh shiffting repairs:  You know, if I could collect a dime from every loser out there praying for an easy fix to his slushbox woes, I could probably get out of debt in a week.

90 model mazda 626 o/d off:  That’ll be 10 cents.

1999 mazda 626 shifting erratic:  Make that 20 cents.

credit card company fico score bank of america providian:  Of course, Providian doesn’t exist any more; it was taken over by Washington Mutual, which doesn’t exist anymore. At no point, though, does this chain lead to Bank of America.

www.which tyre sizes are recommended for mazda cronos 1990-1997 model 2 l 4 cyl sedan:  Did it ever occur to you to look at the sidewall of your actual tyres, Nigel?

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Strange search-engine queries (481)

The reason this weekly feature exists is simply that one day I was glancing at the logs, noting that some of the URLs contained embedded search strings, and that some of those search strings were slightly weird. (Not that the things I search for aren’t weird, but that’s another matter.) I figured the least I could do is get some blogfodder out of it, and here we are, about a decade later.

Голая слилин дион:  So far as I can tell, this is “naked Celine Dion.” More than that, I don’t want to know.

wile e. coyote breakaway mug:  So Acme’s getting into housewares now. Hmmm.

cavitational force:  In the new Disneyfied Star Wars universe, this is part of the Dark Side, in which Darth Decay sends forth his minions to infiltrate your gums.

“bobby russell” cd “go chase your rainbow”:  Is there a place you can buy it on Franklin Pike Circle?

personal items from estate of late karen carpenter:  Including six sets of drumsticks, a case of Chloraseptic, and birds who suddenly appear.

what happens when you hold your breath and bite your tongue:  You survive yet another presidential campaign.

how do i know if my transmisson is going on my 2000 mazda 626:  It’s 15 years old. Of course it’s going.

cast your fate to the wind the original hit:  This is not the one you were expecting, but it’s the correct one:

Black Orpheus by Vince Guaraldi

That Sounds Orchestral British Invasion version was still a couple of years away.

enjoy blues ocaine boggie my way home messing with the blues:  Sounds to me like you’re messing with something already, and it rhymes with “ocaine.”

imagine the us congress is considering legislation that will ban mtbe:  You get enough people whining about it, you could get Congress to consider legislation that would ban stretch marks, peach pits, or the heartbreak of psoriasis.

it didn’t down on me that there might be a few holes in my education:  For instance, how to spell “dawn.”

“bob licht” basketball divorce:  It was inevitable, once he caught her Spalding.

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Strange search-engine queries (480)

Most sites that sift through the logs are looking for patterns of some sort in the hope that they can somehow monetize those particular user behaviors. We do it to find something to laugh at on a Monday morning. And who’s to say which of us is right? (Hint: I am.)

the mouse denny randell copyright:  And you ask me, he’s welcome to it.

older women nudiarist:  Not everyone who doffs her duds at the beach is going to be twenty-three and cute as a button, and you may as well get used to that fact.

how to replace a back of a cloth bucket seat on a fifteenhundred g.m.c. pick up 2003:  As they say to the guys at the nude beach: “Throw a towel over it.”

vanessa steele:  Like vanadium steel, but easier to work with.

breaking trucking news:  This one guy broke his truck while speeding up on the Belle Isle Bridge on a slushy winter day.

ford laser transmission hold light flashing:  Congratulations. You may already have bought a new vintage-Nineties Blue Oval-branded slushbox.

English names of sports teams:  Or, trickier, names of English sports teams.

liverwurst october 1st:  Don’t even be thinking about it in April.

what solenoid causes o/d off light on 2003 mazda:  The one you haven’t replaced yet.

fb_action_types Dog.likes:  There are dogs on Facebook, and I’ve friended one, but he doesn’t post much for some reason.

Jedediah Bila nude pictures:  Well, at least it’s not Bill O’Reilly.

is dustbury own now:  Honey, we’ve been owned for years.

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Strange search-engine queries (479)

Easter week generally results in much-diminished traffic around here, mostly because people suddenly discover they have better things to do than Web surfing. Still, we trudge on through the routine, because that’s how we roll.

lyrics to dose your chewinggum lose its flavour by loney donigan:  But your father says “Don’t chew it!”

cd4e is there fluid when i drop the pan:  If there isn’t, you just bought a new slushbox.

images of tg&y on n.e.23rd street in okc in the 60s and 70s:  Really, all those TG&Y stores looked alike.

2008 mazda tribute has a noise in the front and nobody knows what is the problem:  Let me see if I have this straight. People who have looked at your car can’t determine the problem, so you’re going to try asking people who haven’t looked at your car. What’s wrong with this picture?

yellow times,november,2002:  A jaundiced age, to be sure.

reed krakoff 4 inch heel review comfortable:  Because if it feels good on some random Zappos user, it’s got to feel good on you, right?

poynhvb.(om:  You know, Junior, your mom can figure out your history log even when you misspell things.

Where the babes are:  Or when you don’t.

how to reset a mazda 626 o/d sensor:  (1) Remove the old sensor. (2) Set a new one in its place. How hard can that be?

science fiction sextubes:  If they’re anything like the Jefferies tubes aboard Federation spacecraft, no big deal.

transmission oilpump seal on 2001 mazda 626:  That’s why they fired that guy at SeaWorld: he blew a seal.

porsche 911 carrera named after Barbara carrera:  Just wait until Taylor Swift finds there’s a Suzuki named after her.

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Strange search-engine queries (478)

This is that March-going-out-like-a-lamb period, and the flock here has been pretty placid, but some parts of the country are experiencing Killer Sheep, which may explain that new supermarket up the road which looked like it was designed by a cocker spaniel. In the meantime, we have search strings.

warner brothers “the greatest hits album” spirit in the sky pata pata:  Miriam Makeba has passed on, so I’m guessing this is Norman Greenbaum on patrol.

lesley gore on Ellen:  It’s a rerun; LG is no longer with us. And incidentally, she was never on Warner Bros.

heir to the massengill fortune:  Wait for probate. Should happen on a Summer’s Eve.

el ford gearbox problems:  Shouldn’t that be Los Ford Gearbox Problems?

mazda 626 gear box replacement costs:  A tonne of money. Perhaps you can borrow a box from one of los Fords.

why does odo light stay on my 2003 mazda tribute:  Wait until he finds out that it’s not Odo, or indeed any shapeshifter at all.

“abuse of police authority” “Washington State” -domestic: So: imported, then?

jedediah bila upskirt:  For those of you who were wondering if there was any reason in the world to watch Fox News.

sextube meta search.app:windowslive:  For those too jaded to get their jollies from Fox News.

ivy retardation:  This is the phenomenon that makes people come out of Cornell dumber than their peers at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.

aol transition to apple id:  You have through today. Get with it.

Imaginary haters:  Approximately 30 percent of Twitter traffic at any given moment.

“To you I’m sure Twilight Sparkle is just a cartoon character you think is really hot”:  Well, not just.

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Strange search-engine queries (477)

To much of the nation, the first calendar days of spring looked pretty much indistinguishable from the latter days of winter; logically, the first of these romps through the logs this spring should look rather a lot like the last few, and of course it does.

why weren’t brian hyland’s songs released in stereo?  They were cursed by a gypsy woman.

how do you adjust throttle pressure in the transmission of a 1995 ford conto:  That’s “Contour,” and if you have to ask, you don’t need to be trying it yourself.

meaning of “ask me about my vow of silence”:  I can’t answer that, for reasons which should be obvious.

bandage mummification:  Preferred for longevity reasons over, say, Saran Wrap.

Namenda XR Impurities:  Well, yeah, that’s what you get from using those mysterious online pharmacies who send you email.

“Strategic Resource” hack company:  They’ve never struck me as being hacks.

85yrs.old granny and still having sex:  And most assuredly, not with you.

1998 Mazda 626 transmission filter how much is a new one:  About thirty bucks, plus two thousand to install.

average weight of a mazda:  With or without a new transmission filter?

it’s the plastic warner brothers:  Except for Jack L. Warner, who was always aluminum.

If you were designing a new luxury car:  I’d want it to have a comfort level appropriate to Princess Celestia, but with controls that wouldn’t baffle Fluttershy.

rainbow dash car:  It needs to be about 20 percent faster.

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Strange search-engine queries (476)

Thirty years into the domain-name system as we know it, it’s obvious that there isn’t yet a domain for every single conceivable interest, and there probably never will be. Which is just as well, since I wouldn’t want to be the person running, say, reneezellwegersideboob.net.

calera oklahoma prostitute ring:  Calera’s not a big town; it’s more of an ellipse.

what does strictly enforced mean on Creek Turnpike:  Run through the tollgate at 80 mph and you’ll find out for yourself quickly enough.

mazda transmission troubleshooting:  At this point, about all you can do is shoot it.

can i put a ford contour transmission in my 2003 mazda 626?  No. Now get your gun.

nancy snyderman net worth:  NBC sent her off with six months’ separation allowance and a year’s supply of Band-Aids.

embrace the many colored beast:  Um, that’s “beast of color.”

jimmy flintstone kit 1963 peterbilt pickup truck finished:  As distinguished from the Fred Flintstone kit, which looked barely begun.

is rustproofing a car in washington state worth it?  It’s probably worthwhile, though you should question the dealer’s desire to charge you $1500 for it.

fred herrera los angeles california:  Which, you have to admit, is a more likely location for a guy named Fred Herrera than, say, Reykjavik, Iceland.

it’s a beautiful day litigation:  Says the lawyer before the mirror every morning.

kiwi vs shinola:  No one will ever accuse you of not knowing shit from Kiwi.

face of a hill:  You don’t need to be seeing my face.

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Strange search-engine queries (475)

Once again, it’s time to take a cool, refreshing dip into the search strings piling up over there in the corner, in the hopes of finding something worth singling out. It is not always easy; then again, it is not always entertaining, either.

what happened to Kali Altrox:  It wasn’t my week to watch her.

Blessed are the Pessimists for they hath made backups:  Ah, yes, from the Sermon on the Mounted External Drive.

2001 mazda 626 transmission shifts hard from reverse to forward:  The replacement won’t do that, of course.

qustions about changing transmission in a 92 ford probe from a mazda:  Don’t bother. There are only nine transmissions left in the country, and the one you’ll get is the one you had six rebuilds ago.

mazda 626 1986 automatic transmission:  Talk to that Ford guy who just went by.

how to get free beer from hooters:  Trust me, anything you get from hooters will cost you in the end.

apple ht204268:  This was not the B-side to “Hey Jude,” no matter what you heard.

ford festive hold function:  I can’t recall any incident of being held in a Ford that was in any way festive.

hoosier twang:  Larry Bird always talks like that.

flatratetech dealers first to feel tech shortage pinch:  Don’t be silly. If the dealer thinks he might feel a pinch, the first thing he does is figure out a way to pass the pinchage on to you.

mazda 626 weight ratio:  One Mazda 626 weighs approximately as much as 3,000 lb of ground round.

selective blinders:  Will keep you focused on the forest without having to wonder about those treelike entities on the margins.

sexy motherson hamasone:  This sounds either incestuous or … never mind. I don’t even want to think about Hamas.

acknowledging “one’s pluck” a compliement:  No. Now pluck off.

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Strange search-engine queries (474)

If you’re new here, and there is at least a measurable possibility that you are, here’s the deal: we look for search strings inside the URLs that brought people to this site, and we hope they’re amusing enough to snark about, otherwise we’ve wasted the entire morning so far. (We may have wasted it anyway, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.)

reapair cast transmission plate on pump mazda tribute:  Um, no. You buy the new and improved plate from Ford, which has only been out for, oh, sixteen years or so.

driven gear housing for 5 speed transmission for 90 ford probe:  Another Ford part (maybe, since Mazda was building stick shifts for Ford in that era), even older.

beauty product:  Probably not a Ford part. [Note: The URL contains the string “start=3200,” which means this guy was digging way deep.]

34th and vine los angeles:  They don’t actually intersect, which should tell you something about that love potion you seek.

chuck berry drummer at disneyland for my ding a ling:  Very difficult to tell. Chuck, sensibly, will play with anyone so long as he gets paid.

Download Dizzy Lizzy compilation trance 2002:  Someone getting dizzy from trance? Unpossible.

wb loss lerders:  I’m at a loss trying to figure out how one lerds.

jenny boylan pantyhose:  Gentlemen prefer Hanes — but if you were truly a gentleman, you wouldn’t be asking about the lady’s personal stuff.

sherily fenn sex scenes:  That’s “Sherilyn.” Or “Miss Fenn” to you, bucko.

is motown studio/museum owned by satanist?  There used to be a devil with a blue dress on, hanging around Detroit, but I don’t think she was all that interested in real estate.

rhino seal big daddy:  The seal of approval, no doubt.

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Strange search-engine queries (473)

You think a visit from the Siberian Express is going to derail this regular-ish Monday-morning feature? Not on your tintype, Bunkevitch.

how u use oh yeah in a sentence:  I guess someone who uses “u” as a pronoun (Prince excepted) might have trouble with something as nuanced as “oh yeah.”

was new haven leader february 2003 new haven missouri girl 15 shot:  Seems like a desperate attempt to avoid a paywall.

compression mazda 626:  I saw one at a scrap-metal yard. Compressed to about 10 cubic feet, it was.

is mazda 626 front or real wheel drive:  Depends on the year. (Didn’t think of that, did you?)

tales of horny invisible woman:  You’re assuming that her partners actually lived to tell the tale.

she has a magical cloak that turns her invisible:  Yeah, but if she gets horny she has to take it off.

what is hardassery:  Normal behavior, as viewed by contemporary leftists.

if you go to your science drive in the u.s stats that rank 40th 41st 47th and 49th in population you will be unable to see something visible in all the other:  Well, actually, no, you won’t, because the fact that you pasted in all this crap from your homework rather than do the search tells me that you couldn’t find your butt with both hands.

cd4e diagnostics:  Anything to get out of going to an actual mechanic, eh?

Compare Lotus case to migingo island case:  “You can’t stop me, so nyah.”

krov 91.7 hd2 didn’t get on hd radio:  Such a shame. Did you tell the management? (Of course not. What was I thinking?)

gelar and boy hoad pechars:  This is not my field of expertise, but I’d bet that boy’s too young for that sort of thing.

sam nickle comments on grabbing 134th boobs very hard:  After about the 90th, they’re pretty much all alike.

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Strange search-engine queries (472)

If your next question is “Why does this feature appear on Monday?” the answer is that it serves as a reset to the week, a kick out of glorious weekend mode and a return to the drably usual and/or the usually drab. At least, that’s the excuse I’m using this week.

1986 mazda 626 tyre sizes:  Um, did it ever occur to you to look on one of your actual tyres? They don’t emboss all that stuff on the sidewall to look cool at motorway speeds.

“kim rollins” “first blog”:  At the moment, you stand a better chance of finding an autographed copy of the Gospel of Luke.

what most common CD4E part to fail:  The fluid, of course.

poynhvb:  Seventy points in Scrabble if you play it all at once.

car dealers have realized how profitable it can be to sell automobile using the web. pretend you work for a local car dealership that is part of a large chain such:  that it will consolidate all its franchises into a single superstore and let go half the staff. It was always such.

kc auto dealer girlfreinds sluts:  Okay, maybe not half the staff.

tpir gwendolyn osborne xxx:  Going to play Pocket Plinko, are you?

pulsating lights in 1999 Mazda 626:  I suppose it’s better than LEDs below the door frames.

warner brothers loss leader prices:  Then: two bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

nudist publications from the 1950s:  Then: five bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

pictures of all the limousines that belong to the Doobie Brothers:  They’re hidden behind the train station in China Grove.

modogams:  Well, you know, there are worse things in life than Maureen Dowd’s legs:

Somewhat stylized picture of Maureen Dowd

Although you kind of wonder what things would be like were they attached to somebody else.

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Strange search-engine queries (471)

As Web features go, this one is relatively simple: peruse the logs, pull out the search strings where available, and snicker at the best (or worst) ones. We’ve been doing this for weeks now.

busty.mobi:  You’d hardly need Google to find something like that.

earning over 583 million dollars worldwide. At the 85th Academy Awards: Actually, that string of digits wasn’t an income statement: it was part of the credits to Life of Pi.

invisible femmes:  Sorry, haven’t seen ’em.

histori Skand chuck fabrics ab sweden:  When I was a youngster, Swedes, especially in movies I wasn’t allowed to see, were chucking fabric left and right.

vidéos seniors daddies gay:  I guess they were a bit straighter in their younger days.

youtube “bad a base no trouble”  And I thought I had trouble with misheard lyrics.

overdrive light off comes on on 1995 ford probe:  Not to worry. Before long, you’ll be surrounded by lights, probably at Mac’s Garage.

is a 2000 mazda 626 fwd:  Yes, unless the overdrive off light comes on, in which case it will become 0wd.

hindi youngastar mp3:  Said star apparently doesn’t have enough clout yet to call for an end to questionable downloading.

phil spector back to mono:  Is that before or after “back to jail”?

petticoat rule:  That’s probably Uncle Joe, especially if he’s moving kinda slow at the junction.

VW passat firing order 2.0turbo:  Where I come from, you show up with a 2.0 Passat, the order will come down for you to be fired.

Witness the funk (WTF) flank zone:  Doesn’t sound like a place I’d want to park my flank.

hard sex_which makes a woman cry_video:  No, woman, no cry. No video at all. Nobody see.

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