Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (565)

As for me, I give thanks that close to 2000 people visit this site every week, and some of them are looking for really weird things, thereby giving me the opportunity to fill up this space.

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  Hair growth on his palms.

dildo mistaken for duck:  Yeah, but what if it was the other way around?

pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month. what could he do to try to improve his net profit?  Bake some cupcakes in the shape of dildos ducks.

moby negotiates a contract with nora via e-mail. it is reasonable to infer that moby has consented to​:  Something, but you really don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?

your mom tells you to charge a price of 25 cents for each bracelet. since the marginal cost of making a bracelet is also 25 cents, this price will:  Suck.

a shift back to an emphasis on postponed gratification in america would most likely:  Suck.

swiftonsecurity doxxed:  Not a chance. The girl’s very name is “security.”

sears death spiral:  If it carries the Craftsman brand, it has a lifetime warranty.

scott, a young professional, buys a new bmw. scott’s new bmw is an example of:  Douchery.

little douche coupe:  Okay, enough about Scott already.

karl malden nose disease:  Usually diagnosed by visual inspection.

is artillery fungus harmful to humans:  Depends on whether it actually hits them.

lice masters treatment boutique oklahoma city, ok:  Ewwww. Still nicer than artillery fungus, though.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  You’re taking that word “swipe” too literally.

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Strange search-engine queries (564)

Yep, we’re still serving up those search strings from out of the logs, in the hopes of finding something marginally amusing.

vote no for sq 779:  Shouldn’t that be “vote no against SQ 779″?

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:   People who want to see what everyone else in the world has seen.

jailbait naturist:  Hard up for amusement, I see.

jailbait selfie nude:  And with no prospect of improvement in sight.

what’s the phone number:  867-5309. I thought you knew.

the law of demand implies, holding everything else constant, that as the price of yogurt:  Just sits there, I can’t be bothered to go look for a spoon.

mangnanimous:  One should always be generous with one’s mangoes. Or one’s manganese.

the news/talk/information radio format appeals to advertisers looking to target:  People who can’t deal with music anymore.

yuja wang nude dress:  Chances are, she’s dressed right now.

nichols hills dumpster rental alternative:  Buy a house just outside city limits and dump stuff there.

glyphosate in cheerios:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

crunch tanning beds:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

toyota prius v devon:  I’m betting on Devon, since there’s only the one Prius.

snow insurance:  Just wait until you see the premium.

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Strange search-engine queries (563)

Just what you needed: another Monday morning, and another traipse through recent search strings. (Not what you needed? Sorry about that.)

Made in Japan Mazda 626 auto transmission:  Some were, some weren’t. And those that were turned out to be no better than those that weren’t.

trent automobiles was expecting a large shipment of metal the previous week. but three weeks later, the shipment still hadn’t arrived. a lot of time was lost and the expenses shot up. this will result in a lack of:  Students actually trying to do their own damn homework.

nishiyama onsen keiunkan price:  If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Isn’t that, like, all of them?

grainy porn:  Obviously you need better Web toys.

fourhourworkweek/tmi:  If you have one of these, believe me, I don’t want to know about it.

indigenous peoples of north america torrent:  Well, you know, there are a lot of them.

drawing conclusions about every woman who leases a car in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who lease a car is called:  Setting yourself up for disappointment when they inexplicably refuse to follow your marketing plan.

two hours from now:  It will be a little past eight and you still won’t be awake.

superheroine trapped:  Oh, she’ll escape. She’s got to be there for the sequel, after all.

diet trim slack companion shapewear:  For those scared off by Spanx.

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:   I think there’s a little more to it than that.

fm receiver 7 little words:  You gave up AM radio for this?

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Strange search-engine queries (562)

Strangely light this morning for some reason. But no matter: it doesn’t take a whole lot of illumination to go through the week’s search strings.

wile e. coyote breakaway mug:  I suggest that pretty much everything Wile E. Coyote is breakaway in some fashion or other.

what is french moss:  One of the varieties that will not collect on a rolling stone.

sarah has just received her driver’s license and is now ready to drive to school. although she’s never driven to her school before, sarah knows the way. the fact that sarah can drive herself to school suggests that:  She wasn’t sleeping on the bus all those years.

lara croft x male reader lemon:  Wouldn’t ship it. Lara has no patience for such.

which best describes the “man” thoreau refers to in the excerpt? he expects others to attend to his needs when he wakes up. he is under constant protection by soldiers. he naps often and is always sleepy. he must have the most up-to-date news at all times:  And tomorrow, said “man” may well be replaced by a woman.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Yeah, good luck with that.

dimeking pesticide rainbow:  Opened for Bad Brains during a brief 2014 tour.

my shadow weighs 42 pounds:  And when you get your shoes shined, you have to take their word, right?

steely dan torture device:  Side Two of Katy Lied.

dundant:  Doesn’t count until it’s dundant twice.

during the two hours before their 7:30 p.m. appointments on wednesday evenings, the operations team had a weekly gripe session during which everyone gleefully unloaded on the powers that controlled their miserable lives. this session was valuable since it:  Was over in two hours, unlike every other corporate meeting.

renee ross sweater expander:  Probably comes in pairs, just like everyone else’s.

how can sports marketers cater to their female fan base without resorting to stereotypes and overgeneralizations?  But take away stereotypes and overgeneralization, and what’s left of sports marketing?

100000 leagues under my nutsack:  Sports marketing at its finest.

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Strange search-engine queries (561)

While ghosts and goblins and such ready themselves for the evening, I’m ready this morning with yet another set of search strings, because that’s just how I roll.

I want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Good luck with that. Probably fewer than 80 percent of grownups on webcam are naked.

naked wood nymphs:  Usually don’t have webcams.

last minute august 2014:  And then suddenly it was September.

two hours from now:  It quit being September quite a while back, actually.

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  Cultural indoctrination.

there is nothing trendy or hip about fenway. it is npr in an mtv world:  In which case, Wrigley Field is TV Land.

dampnation:  The shortest possible way back from drought.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly. if she succeeds in this and similar endeavors, this will help her to:  Discover new ways to fall flat on her butt.

specto fork error check log:  I’m sure this wasn’t covered in Linux class.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  It’s 37 times 18. Do I get two points?

fatty arbuckle bacon number:  Three, which doesn’t sound like a whole lot of Bacon.

closest albertsons grocery store to me:  And where the hell are you, anyway?

http://www.microsoftshitbrick.com/:  I don’t think you can get a new Vista install anymore.

crossdresser fingering:  Just watch where you put your thumb.

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Strange search-engine queries (560)

Welcome to Monday. Please fasten your seat belt, and prepare yourself from a highly unscientific sampling of actual search strings by which Web surfers actually managed to encounter this very site. (No wagering.)

J has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. While trimming:  I think we’re going to trim this story right here before it gets gory.

home depot jury duty policy:  If someone is killed by a power tool, you’re excused.

don’t you give me no dirty looks:  Has the dog been brought in and the cat put out?

yuja wang upskirt:  Not on your life. For one thing, there’s no room to hide a camera among the pedals.

jaded amaranthus range:  Matching fridge and washer/dryer combo sold separately.

i want to go to jail yahoo answers:  You keep coming up with questions like this and you will.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Annoying, to the surprise of no one.

jenny lawson net worth:  Shut up and give her money. She’s The Bloggess, after all.

a woman, alone in a house, ignores the creaking sounds she hears and experiences no stress. another woman hears the same sounds, suspects an intruder, and becomes alarmed. these different reactions illustrate which of the following?  Almost every TV advertisement for home security systems.

hostile groove fly routine:  We don’t need this hostile groove fly.

take me to steak n shake:  Well, that settles the question of where we’re going to eat.

a beelzebub; he spake as bigly and fiercely as a soaken yeoman at an election feast, this obedient and conducible youth!  Sounds to me like it’s rigged.

phlagm:  Phlegm’s younger brother, seldom seen.

monty python thermostat:  And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou set the temperature to 73. No more. No less. Seventy-three shalt be the number thou shalt set, and the number of the setting shall be 73. Seventy-four shalt thou not set, neither set thou 72, excepting that thou then proceed to 73. Seventy-five is right out.”

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Strange search-engine queries (559)

What makes Monday so special? Well, it’s probably not this recurring feature in which we single out some of the weirder search strings that got this site on people’s screens in recent days.

warren has been struggling to eat healthier but he forgot:  And now, he isn’t even struggling, lucky bastard.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  I suppose it’s better than spending two hours a day on Facebook.

lonely rivers:  That’s why they keep moving, so you can’t see how they feel.

horrid henry gizmo games:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

street bob for sale shawnee ok:  I had no idea they were bobbing streets in Pottawatomie County.

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  If I could remember that, I’d make it into a password.

brandon, a first-line supervisor at garden toys manufacturing regularly dishes out the verbal abuse to employees, berates, bad-mouthing and embarrassing them in public. this is an example of:  The sort of manufacturing we should have sent to China a long time ago.

renee ross sweater expander:  I’ve never known anyone named Renee who needed expansion, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

what happened to zager and evans:  So very far away. (Maybe it’s only yesterday.)

jane says her cousin is big boned:  It’s an election year. Trust me, we’re all boned.

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:   Not building strip malls all over the damn place.

doctor schmoctor:  Give me the news; I’ve got a bad case of foaming goo.

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times?  That would be the late, unlamented NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.

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Strange search-engine queries (558)

About this, I submit, there can be no debate: a lot of people are looking for a lot of weird things on the World Wide Web. It is the function of this long-running Monday-morning feature to single some of them out.

nylon stockings on sarah palin legs more:  Well, I certainly approve.

it’s me:  You sure about that?

crap diem:  Give us this day our daily fecal matter.

what’s the phone number:  Probably something like 1-800-4-CRAP.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  There’s a lot to be said for keeping your options open.

skintrovert:  Yeah, right. Now put some pants on.

take me to sonic:  You buying?

navigate me to the closest mcdonald’s:  You buying?

while listening to a sociology lecture, you mentally rearrange the ideas being presented, summarize the information, and repeat key points you want to remember. you are considered:  Potentially unemployable.

roger and adair are in an intercultural marriage. they have both agreed to give up certain aspects of their culture, but now adair is starting to resent giving up some of the things she grew up with:  Worse, the sociology student across the street is accusing both of them of cultural appropriation.

accursed crawling cape:  I keep telling you: No capes!

redneck nazgul:  And you thought Trump had no organization.

sherman oaks young chang dealer:  I won’t ask what he deals in.

unbaked lies:  These days, they’re more likely to be half-baked.

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Strange search-engine queries (557)

I’d like to think that the unnamed individuals whose search strings appear here are the same folks who wear the bracelet that says “In case of emergency, delete my browser history.”

super bobrovi film nude:  I’m guessing the one character you most want to see is the occasionally invisible girl.

overlord of flies:  Whew. For a moment there I thought you said “overload” of flies.

delouse plastics corporation pays its executives an excessive amount relative to other employees and to what executives at competitive companies are paid. this is most likely to be challenged as:  A generally DeLousy practice.

whatever happened twitter’s latest tweets:  Twitter says you don’t really want the latest.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  Some idiot going up and down the street with the subwoofers cranked to the max.

google now personalizes everyone’s search:  It could be worse. Suppose Facebook had a search engine.

in 2004, congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 provisions for tax breaks to groups such as restaurant owners, hollywood producers, and nascar track owners. this is an example of:  Business as usual.

soggycardboard rule 34:  Corrugation is not permitted in the common areas.

sing songs company owns 10 percent of the music industry. ten percent represents this company’s:  Responsibility for Miley Cyrus.

submitted by anonymous (not verified) moonbattery:  It doesn’t take that much for moonbattery to be verified.

uncomfortable flats:  About two-thirds the apartment market in these parts.

the lonely stoner frees his mind at night lyrics:  I’d bet there’s something in there about uncomfortable flats.

tweedledum and tweedledee:  And Gary Johnson.

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Strange search-engine queries (556)

There are, amazingly enough, people who visit this site just to hear what I have to say. But there are just as many people who wouldn’t know me from John Jacob Jingleheimer Runcible, who visit this site because they’re Looking For Something. Their efforts make this Monday feature possible.

zippy loan spam:  Is the spam itself zippy, or just the loan?

scorching hot new starlet treasure barbie gets fucked:  And as usual, Ken gets squat.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their:  You know who deserves an apology? The teacher who gave away a specific source, but her students continue to Google for answers.

walmart optical:  A hint at our future Bentonville-centric existence.

taylor swift trouble:  Take a number. You’ll get your chance eventually.

taylor swift foreskin:  Take a scalpel. She’ll get to yours eventually.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics-decorations:  How much of a terror can it be at only 14.5 inches?

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Dropping like flies.

nudist lunch:  And for God’s sake, don’t forget the napkins.

it’s that time of year again, known locally as “pothole season.” each winter, harsh weather, snow plows, and salt on the roads work together to create potholes. now that the snow is melting, this year’s potholes are being revealed:  Which, remarkably, seem to be adjacent to last year’s potholes.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  You have to figure that none of the subjects have been overdoing the bratwurst.

lowest possible resolution:  1 x 1. Good quality, but not much detail.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Pure and simple misapprehension. Reporters do not permit themselves to have doubts when there’s a Sacred Narrative at stake.

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Strange search-engine queries (555)

Monday brings many things: sleepiness, grumpiness, and, for the last decade or so, a collection of search strings that caused this very site to show up on people’s Google/Bing/Whatever searches. (Note: This was done while I was sleepy and/or grumpy.)

626 rear wheel:  Be careful. They usually travel in pairs.

grassrootsmotorsports soccer moms revenge:  Jack Baruth swears he wasn’t there at the time.

unlikeable: the problem with hillary:  If that were all, then it wouldn’t be a problem.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Likely to get their own reality TV shows.

evisceration plague tab:  Available now as a Chrome extension.

bmw sos malfunction:  Supersedes the too-often-seen SOL malfunction.

singler:  But not as single as “singlest.”

shedshed:  Who is this really? Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson?

aaa travel guides free blog roll 2003:  You have to figure that they wouldn’t be worth much after 13 years.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  It keeps the researchers focused, and out of the kitchen hunting for snacks.

obama ineligible:  You should have come up with this long, long before.

is pure nudism illegal:  Check your local laws. (Because they’ll happily check you.)

5 day deodorant pads history:  Doesn’t really get interesting until about halfway through day 3.

what kind of shoes does ray donovan wear:  Yours. And don’t think you can stop him, either.

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Strange search-engine queries (554)

A couple of thousand people wander through here every week. Some are regulars, but more are simply passing through in search of various things. (“Everybody’s looking for something” — Eurythmics) The latter provide the material for this weekly feature.

staying sharp 13.1 answers:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be sharp.

paul peddler wants to purchase a bicycle costing $775. if he chooses to make 12 equal payments, then in dollars and cents the average payment will be:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be able to buy your own damn bicycle.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  I’ve always suspected that Beelzebub was trolling the place.

del gato clinic deposits all cash receipts on the day they are received and it makes all cash payments by check:  And then there’s the 98 percent of business that is filtered through insurance companies.

setterade:  The first sports drink for sporting dogs.

anon-v com/videos/93950/was-i-in-your-ass-i-think-so/:  I think we can safely assume that you’re not actually looking for a permanent relationship.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u.s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  It doesn’t matter, unless Dorothy is white.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:   #ThievesLivesMatter

fred flintstone is single and earns $40,000 in taxable income. he uses the following tax rate schedule to calculate the taxes he owes:  Excise tax on automotive brake pads: $0.00.

texas asshole massacre:  Obviously they never finished.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  Greek statues, I assume.

romantic soles:  This is what you claim to have when you disclose that you can’t afford Louboutins.

ghostbusters fail:  It is not relevant, however, that these women have no dick.

will blog for food:  Hope you’re not counting on dessert.

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Strange search-engine queries (553)

For today’s perfunctory labor, we’ll go through the logs and see if we can find anything remotely amusing in the search strings.

jailbait in pantyhose pics:  Well, that isn’t remotely amusing.

appointment definition:  If you have to ask, you should have seen the doctor many years ago.

life spice vital:  No Dune jokes, please.

the locations of the two caps at equilibrium are now as given in this figure. (figure 4) the dashed line represents the level of the water in the left arm. what is the mass of the water located in the right arm between the dashed line and the right cap?  This is what happens when you spend your time making up Dune jokes instead of doing your homework.

i cheated on my boyfriend with my ex yahoo answers:  Yeah, that fits the demographic.

how do i know if the baby is mine yahoo answers:  As does that.

nudist realtor:  No jokes about closing costs, please.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  I suspect this is a messy process.

to yell the truth:  If they ever update that game show, they’ll have to pump up the volume.

infosec taylor swift identity:  Until I have some reason to think otherwise, I will assume it’s Taylor Swift.

spell toilet:  It’s the one that’s always overflowing and nobody ever knows why.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:   Which of course they won’t read, because they’re spammers and therefore have neither technical skills nor anything resembling morals.

eva marie couldn’t “dress up” this unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on wwe smackdown live!  Hard up for wank material, are you?

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  Which made them overqualified for political office in 2016.

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Strange search-engine queries (552)

For the last few weeks — okay, the last ten years — we’ve been analyzing the search strings that led Web surfers to this domain, and posting the ones we deemed funny or inexplicable or downright weird.

helpappledevice@gmail.com:  Like Apple is gonna keep a Google account for support. You have been suckered.

which answer best describes the verb tenses in the sentence? while my dad brings the car around, i waited with the grocery cart. a. the verb tenses shift. b. the verb tenses are consistent:  What is consistent is your inability to put the cart back in the rack when you’re through.

aaa travel guide to las vegas blog roll 2003:  I should warn you that all the coupons have expired.

goose boobs:  Hey, take a gander at these!

when miriam noticed that a group of asian women in the cafeteria had an increased loudness or pitch to their speech, she assumed that they must be arguing. which of the following is she demonstrating?  Utter fealty to the patriarchy. As everyone knows, women are never loud or shrill.

eric cartman x male reader:  Not a ship I want to see launched.

burp collaborator server:  Provides four times the throughput for a given gas bubble.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  Including, for instance, the infamous burp collaborator server.

too much metamucil:  But … but fiber!

granny in stilettos:  She knows that the legs are the last to go.

sitwell and whippet:  The sight of granny in stilettos can be strangely, um, stimulating.

quoth the server 404:  Lenore’s been busy working on the backend, I see.

in jeff savage’s book on the 2005 number one pick for the nhl draft, what is the title of the second chapter beginning on page 10?  I’m thinking we can safely assume that you’re too late to enter this contest.

purple haze rule 34:  ‘Scuse me, while I kiss whoever or whatever shows up in the next 15 seconds.

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Strange search-engine queries (551)

Surely by now you’ve seen this before: we look at the search strings attached to various visits — yes, Virginia, your browser sends such things, although Google tends to encrypt them — and pick a few to mock on Monday morning.

open season mascots:  That explains the guys in costume running all over the place.

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  A brand-new Mini Cooper, because they’re just so gosh-darn cute.

joanna plans on hanging 3 pictures of different sizes on the wall of her staircase. she thinks it will look best if all 3 rectangular pictures are similar. the two sizes she has already are 25 in. by 35 in.and 35 in. by 49 in. which of the following is a possible size of the third picture?  Sofia used to search these things instead of doing her homework, which is why she makes only $700 a month.

during a long drive tony counted:  But sadly, he didn’t count for much.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  I hope someone swipes you off the face of the earth.

“bandwidth” -“amd” -“ghz” -“$” -“gpu”:  Sorry, your ping still sucks.

at sanger’s auto garage, 40% of the cars brought in for service need an oil change. of the cars that need oil changes, 30% also need a tire rotation. find the probability that a car that comes into the auto garage needs both an oil change and a tire rotation:  All of them. Sanger has a boat payment due.

my life is ruined yahoo answers:  Yep. That’ll do it every time.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire store has a 10-day warranty.

ex-yankee milf ~pounding the hell out of friend’s mom~:  Doesn’t sound like Jeter.

conjoined fanfiction:  Too many characters.

obama ineligible:  After 2016, anyway.

i want to book a hotel at universal orlando 10 april for one night plus two day park tickets:  Um, you’re doing it wrong.

drip advisor:  Is this pre- or post-nasal?

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Strange search-engine queries (550)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t, well, basically we’re going through the search strings that bring people to this site, and puzzling over some of them. Nothing more complicated than that.

foreskin puns:  Sorry, no tipping allowed.

ave maria waterpark and university within minutes of amreican discount pharmacy:  And they say convenience is dying.

“roto rooter” “slut”:  She’s busy having her lines run.

“feckful barged:”  I hate it when people barge in fecklessly.

first time naturists:  Easy to spot: typically, they’re the color of a bathroom sink in a pediatrician’s office.

used laredo fifth wheels for sale russellville ar:  The mind boggles that someone might have more than one.

dampnation:  Appropriate cuss word for when there’s 18 inches of rain.

michel thayer novel no verbs:  Because you know he’s all about those nouns — no actions.

knuckleheads san antonio:  Hey, that’s no way to talk about the Spurs.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to suck balls:  I think you have to have the Bonus Cartridge for that.

stardust rod animus:  Not to be confused with the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

granny in stilettos:  Hey, if she can walk in the darn things, more power to her.

whigged out:  That’s what they said when Zachary Taylor died in 1850.

too much metamucil:  And then there are those who never Metamucil they didn’t like.

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Strange search-engine queries (549)

It’s time once more to take a peek at the search strings, stacked up like so much digital cordwood in the corner of the server room, and see what it is that people are wanting to find out about.

“Posterior Cortical Atrophy”:  Should be on the bottom of your list of Favorite Diseases.

shrinking paper:  Something government agencies can simply not do.

extended weather forecast for ketchikan alaska:  Wicked cold for a while, and then not so much.

woot beer:  It’s a different brew every day.

a town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. the new road is wider, has smooth pavement, and flowering bushes have been planted along the roadside. compared to the road south of town, the new road gets very little use. this is because many of the residents work in:  One big brutalist building in the middle of town.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  Is it just me, or does this seem sort of contradictory?

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You mock the way he dresses, and he will be cross. Count on it.

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Not long for this world.

soggy cardboard rule 34:  Um, whatever floats your boat, though I guess that wouldn’t, would it?

oxpecker tupa:  Not the original name of Florida Georgia Line.

dongbats:  Past tense of “dingbats.” I hope.

naked bounce house:  Well, you could, I suppose, though you’ll want to go heavy on the Lysol before they come and pick it up.

cynthia tells daryl that she will deliver:  And Daryl, like a fool, believes her.

foreskin tumblr:  I hope they don’t have Infinite Scroll turned on.

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Strange search-engine queries (548)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t seen this before, well, this is a collection of search strings that in recent days produced actual search results from this site. What we don’t explain, of course, is why.

bill clinton penis size 5.5:  Um, more than a mouthful is wasted. Or something like that.

overlord of flies:  With my luck, it’s probably a mosquito carrying some disease.

moosejaw bus tours in nebraska:  Isn’t Moose Jaw in, like, Saskatchewan?

“expect more payless” “upskirt”:  And I thought I was bored.

a songwriter gets paid monthly at a rate of $150 for each song he completes. last month, he wrote 8 songs and got halfway through a 9th song. how much money was he paid last month?  $1200 for the songs he finished, plus 42 cents for streaming on Spotify.

superior potassium:  This K is definitely OK.

400 lb woman manatee snopes:  Oh, the huge manatee!

cynthia tells darryl that she will deliver his boxes of paradise cookies as he directs. a declaration that one will do something in the future is part of the definition of:  Political promises. Darryl’s cookies are going nowhere.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  You can see 40 seconds of the Super Bowl, but not during actual play.

“cheezit” “joint venture”:  I just wonder where the division of labor occurs.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire shop charged something close to market price.

what happens when you bite your tongue:  The rest of us are grateful.

mr. craven lacks imagination and is a complete conformist. with respect to the big five personality traits, mr. craven probably would score low on which of the following?  The hell with that. How do we get him on the Supreme Court?

a horrible experience of unbearable length:  But enough about the 2016 election.

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Strange search-engine queries (547)

People wander into this site from all over the place, and chances are they’re looking for something. And some of those somethings will make you shake your head.

rebecca black 19th birthday:  That was last month. And not on a Friday, either.

expired pamprin:  Still better than PMS. Take it.

feminism future:  Imagine half the world with bottles of expired Pamprin.

after hurricane katrina, cindy was found walking by the roadside. she could not remember how she got to this place. according to freud, the details of her experiences in the hurricane have been:  Brainwashed away.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  I don’t recall that particular setting in b2evolution.

how to turn off fpa lock on rca tv:  You’d figure by now the kids would have learned how to reset parental controls.

eccentricrich:  If they’re not rich, they’re merely weirdos.

disney™ frozen sisters forever soft sided rolling luggage:  Hold on to it. You don’t want to know what happens when you let it go.

black men white women sex:  Really, Mr Duke, you’re beating a dead horse.

etcetera etcetera etcetera:  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

unbaked lies:  Bake to an internal temperature of 165° before swallowing.

diaper sex tumblr:  Imagine Yahoo! paying a billion dollars to own stuff like that.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  I dunno. It sounds pretty orderly to me.

gypsy chickens:  It’s none of your damned business why they crossed the road.

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Strange search-engine queries (546)

We’re back, now with 20 percent less sickness!

pebkac earliest:  The moment there existed both keyboards and chairs, there existed the possibility of a problem between them.

mikes meadows science -2016 -2015 -2014 -2013 -2012 -2011 -2010 -2009 -2008 -2007 -2006:  So you’re saying you really want 2005?

kid gets caught jacking off in class viddy:  “Viddy”? What’s with the nadsat, chelloveck?

máster and (“negocio digital” or “negocio digital” or sem or “campañas adwords” or “google adwords” or “google analytics” or mobile or “mobile analytics” or “big data” or “analitica web” or analytics):  There’s gotta be a password around here somewhere.

milfs smoking:  Your mom would not approve. Believe me, I’ve asked her.

burned esophagus:  It happens when they smoke.

erin looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. she immediately feels her heart start to pound and simultaneously experiences fear. the theory that best explains this emotional response is:  The desire not to be flattened like an IHOP short stack.

kobe bryant defense:  Send in Jeremy Lin.

life is like that:  It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it.

cuttlefish of cthulhu:  It’s bait, Jim, but not as we know it.

how thick is earth:  Considering the number of people who think it ought to be controlled by ISIS, it must be very thick indeed.

reckful blue boobs:  Actually, that sounds pretty reckless to me.

i revel in being referred to as the grand patriarch! (elevate your hands skyward if your claims of being a lothario are verifiable.)  Please sit down and take your Xanax, Mr. Trump.

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Strange search-engine queries (545)

You know the drill: someone looked for it, and we made note of it here.

mazda SLI 16 valve engine pictures:  Not sure if motor porn or desperate DIYer.

black male model with huge penis in locker room:  Probably not a desperate DIYer.

apple store penn square mall make appointment:  Call the Genius Bar, genius.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to:  Due to memory limitations, he can muck out only one stable at a time.

used oldsmobile alero wright county minnesota:  Well, there certainly won’t be any new ones.

frolicme mr big:  Still hasn’t displaced “Rock Me, Amadeus.”

sprained ankle fetish:  I guess it would be harder for them to get away.

assholism definition:  If you need a definition, well, guess what?

sarah is testing how quickly saltwater freezes. she adds saltwater to one ice tray and plain water to another ice tray. she places each tray in the freezer and records the time when each one starts to freeze:  Meanwhile, her car has been low on coolant for 5,000 miles.

monothelitic dumbhead:  Opened for Finger Eleven back when F11 was still called “Rainbow Butt Monkeys.”

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Strange search-engine queries (544)

Am I too sick to do this? Let’s find out:

milfs for christmas”:  Well, it is July already.

welcome to stepford:  It’s like MILFs for Christmas!

“second life” “meghan’s” shemales:  A third life for some, perhaps.

ac burden benadryl:  Yeah, I just bet you do.

best smooth jazz radio station for commuting st paul mn:  I can’t imagine there being a second best.

as a testament to how bad smoking is, _____ of current smokers would like to quit:  All of them, once they find out they have to come up with the entire government budget.

garage di pasquali homecourt:  Yeah? Beat the Spurs first.

zero web hosting:  Buy it for someone you love.

“administer”:  Not the sequel to Yes, Minister.

pop tarts 2004:  Oh, criminy, throw those suckers away.

ricky the carnivorous pony:  I wouldn’t wish twelve-year-old Pop Tarts on that nag.

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Strange search-engine queries (543)

Once more, we pop the lid off last week’s visitors and try to figure out just what the heck they were looking for.

cooties übersetzung:  Cooties are like, well, cooties, man.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  $2000 new “customer cash” on Chevy Silverado.

mississippi goddam chords:  Read the farging sheet music.

bulldog smasher:  It’s not enough to smash pumpkins anymore.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:  Too many people think they can finish their homework by Googling the exercise questions.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  For instance, this one.

what is a primary source:  Hint: you’re not looking at one.

how siri ios rich voip mayo:  Siri might put up with that, but Cortana would kick your ass just for thinking it.

ghostbusters fail:  Well, that explains the dogs and cats living together.

brother jukebox sister wine:  And the second cousin winds up busing tables.

fingering doesnt work:  Perhaps you’re doing it wrong.

atomic groove girlz nite out, pt.1 happy hour, april 22:  I’d say there’s a reasonable possibility that someone was fingered.

i’m a loser yahoo answers:  One among thousands.

doel 3 tihange 2:  Walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth.

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Strange search-engine queries (542)

I have roamed the lands of Google,
I have scanned the hills of Bing,
Only to find these things,
Only to find these strings.
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

why did governor jim hodges support the establishment of a state lottery:  He figured if the state ran into budget difficulties, they could try to win the jackpot to take up the slack.

faruq spends all of his income on tacos and milkshakes. his income is $100, the price of tacos is $10, and the price of milkshakes is $2. if faruq purchases 10 milkshakes, he can purchase:  Never mind that. Who’s paying ten bucks for tacos?

run up an alley and holler fish:  Or tacos, since they’re only ten bucks.

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You gonna tell him he can’t? Because I’m not.

has morgan fairchild been nude:  I reveal no secrets about the woman I married.

mammalian protuberances:  I reveal no secrets about the woman I married.

400 lb woman manatee snopes:  I reveal no secrets about the woman you married.

upskirt diaper tumblr:  Um, keep your prurient interests to yourself, okay, pal?

evisceration plague tab:  Gosh, can I get that for my browser?

cynthia tells darryl that she will deliver his boxes of paradise cookies as he directs. a declaration that one will do something in the future is part of the definition of:  Foolhardiness, in this day and age.

how much is a rolls royce ghost:  To coin a phrase, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

foreskin circumcision:  Well, yeah, that’s where it’s done.

used kia chesterton:  Got rid of it because the distributist kept going out.

this evening on britain’s got talent we get to witness this lovely lady sing with her anus and she finishes her skit beautifully by inserting the mic deep in her singing hole:  Another showbiz asshole, I suppose.

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Strange search-engine queries (541)

Well, if it’s Monday morning, it must be time for SSEQ. (It has been for the past decade, give or take a few weeks.) If you’ve somehow managed to miss this feature, it’s easily explained: a lot of traffic comes from the major search engines, a little bit more from the minor ones, and sometimes they’re looking for things which make perfect sense. Those aren’t the ones that appear here.

is pure nudism illegal:  I’m not even sure if it’s pure.

badge aztek hack:  You can hack the badge any way you like, but everyone will still know you’re driving an Aztek.

in the following scenario, which maxim is not being observed? david: so we climbed behind the waterfall, and there was this huge cave. it was amazing! zooey: that cloud looks like a bunny. david: what?  That’s funny, I don’t remember ever seeing Zooey in Maxim, and surely I’d remember something like that.

“high performance, delivery” “upskirt”:  Standards for wank material acquisition? Unpossible!

conjoined fanfiction:  Is this Rule 34 or 68?

why she stopped loving me:  She found out you were reading Siamese-twin porn.

pantyhose diaper tumblr:  Well, at least it isn’t Siamese-twin porn.

willie worker put in 42 hours last week at the widget factory. his base pay is $8.00 per hour and he gets time-and-a-half for any hours beyond 40:  And then they raised the minimum wage to $15 and replaced Willie with a Widgetization Module™.

achocolic:  Drunk surfing at its finest.

bite me urban dictionary:  And what did they ever do to you?

how much does berkelium cost:  Considering that world production in the last half-century is only a couple of grams, I think we can safely say that if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

bialystock and bloom political consultants:  Best remembered for the song “Springtime for Donald.”

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  Projection. Now get off my lawn.

who gets a 1099:  You get a 1099! And you get a 1099! Everybody gets a 1099!

swiftonsecurity doxxed:  Cortana, even as we speak, is dealing with the attempted “doxxer.” It will not be pretty when it’s over.

Addendum: I made reference to this last item yesterday, and got this for my trouble:

Hey, that’s what was asked for, and I gotta type ’em the way I see ’em. (The presumably pseudonymous Mr Kikesburg’s main purpose in life, judging by his timeline, is to object to that double X. Then again, I’ve seen worse.)

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Strange search-engine queries (540)

Until the dog days of summer get here, it’s cool for cats to peer into their logs and see what kind of stuff those mysterious tall bipeds have been looking for. Sometimes it’s even amusing.

garden state cable tv wpix-tv 11 new york schedule for june 1973:  Oh, did you get one of those new time-traveling DVRs?

in recent years, political commentators have lamented that the cultural and political divide between the so-called “red states” and their blue counterparts has become a chasm. technological advances such as the information superhighway and, more recently, social media have only exacerbated this trend:  Although the main contributor to this phenomenon is the desperate attempt by political commentators to get paid for something.

waiting for universal lawn care:  And we’ll end up with a two-tier structure, the insured paying a $50 copay, the uninsured being soaked for whatever the market will bear.

http://www.microsoftshitbrick.com/:  We told you you ought to install Windows 10.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  You can watch forty-five seconds of Super Bowl LI.

a woman, alone in a house, ignores the creaking sounds she hears and experiences no stress. another woman might hear the same sounds, suspect an intruder, and thus become alarmed. these different reactions illustrate the importance of:  Xanax.

foreskin puns:  Protip: don’t tell foreskin puns.

angelica is an unpaid homemaker who works as a volunteer at the local red cross and is currently not looking for a paid job. the bureau of labor statistics counts angelica as:  Whatever it takes to make the numbers look good that month.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Most of which you’ve already bookmarked, am I right?

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  A real asshole, inasmuch as he put the side fence two yards over Holland’s property line.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  “O’Reilly Factor.”

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You get Russ on camera, he’ll be cross, dressed or not.

gypsy chickens:  They cross the road, and they owe you no explanation why.

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Strange search-engine queries (539)

And yet again, it’s time for a romp through the search strings that brought people to this site, possibly the very people with fake medical-alert bracelets that say “Delete My Browser History.” (Hey, you never know, right?)

cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. the cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning that each soda has a 1/6 probability of winning. cody sees this and buys six of these sodas, thinking he is guaranteed a seventh. what is the true probability he will win at least one more soda?  How long has this guy been in Congress?

what are transmission problems:  What you have when your car won’t shift gears and you can’t understand why, it’s always done them before.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  And she said, “Geez, this is worse than transmission problems.”

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base. this was an example of:  Why you pay so much more for free-range birds.

oppression definition:  “They have it, and I want it, and they should be compelled to give it to me.”

i was batman:  Sure you were, old fellow. Sure you were. Now take two of these and call me in the morning.

curry airball:  It happens, but not often enough.

“roto rooter” “nude”:  I don’t think I’d want to risk getting any of that yucky stuff on me.

down at the heels:  Not the ideal place for your thong, at least on the street.

birthday nudist:  Hence the phrase “birthday suit.”

al gore keeping the dream alive:  Not a problem; the earth has never come close to running out of suckers.

dick owns a dog whose barking annoys dicks neighbor jane. suppose that the benefit of owning the dog is worth $700 to dick and that jane bears a cost of $500 from the barking. assuming dick has the legal right to keep the dog, a possible private solution to this problem is that:  Dogs should not be owned by dicks.

how early can i refill my klonopin:  This is what happens when you take three or four at a time.

canned hate:  Now largely supplanted in the marketplace by canned whoopass.

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Strange search-engine queries (538)

This feature appears every week at approximately this time, in lieu of New Content. Its components: search strings extracted from the traces left by recent visitors to this site, and aimless grumbling contributed by yours truly.

how much is the oklahoma lottery:  Starts at a dollar, ends at the poorhouse.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  You want some Anglo-Saxon, I’ll show you some goddamn Anglo-Saxon.

mammalian protuberances:  Or “boobs,” if you prefer Anglo-Saxon.

perverse adolescent lesbo seduces eastern milf:  At some point, boobs were a factor.

superheroine trapped:  Some heroines are more super than others. (Hint: boobs are not a factor.)

georgian politicians private life (sex, oral, anal, orgy total of 12:42 minutes:  Well, you’re not picky, are you?

what to do when being followed:  Follow back, or block.

hardest pullout position:  For some reason, we’ve never been able to persuade American forces to withdraw from the District of Columbia.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day rectum:  No, I wouldn’t, asshole.

why did kevin klutz give up tap dancing:  Um, he fell down a lot?

why can’t i sleep at night yahoo answers:  Were I as dumb as those yobbos, I’d probably have sleepless nights of my own.

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:   See the article “Second Trump Administration.”

clothed nudist:  How would you know?

a field guide to awkward silences:  [crickets]

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Strange search-engine queries (537)

Every Monday morning we shake the dew off the lily, wash and dry, and then sort through a thousand or so log entries, looking for the inspirations of people out there who are looking for things. Some of the things they look for — well, take a look for yourself:

+meaning of are you in to big titis or a huge ass:  If you have to ask, you’re not going to encounter much of either.

2016 hyundai azera spanish fork:  Optional when you order the Romance Languages Flatware option ($295).

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  A desperate plea for extra credit.

warren spends all his income on dvds and beer, currently consuming three dvds and ten beers. suppose the price of beer rises. we can infer that:  Warren will switch to Neflix and hopes to be able to chill.

bonds womens pantyhose 70d opaque electric blue average/tall:  Okay, you have my attention. Unless you’re talking about Bobby Bonds.

when bob noticed a pain in his thigh, he was convinced it was a sign of bone cancer. although x-rays revealed no sign of cancer, bob sought the opinions of a dozen other physicians who agreed with the original opinion. what:  Bob did not know is that eleven of those doctors were out of network and he was billed for $63,000.

tg://resolve?domain=stalin_gulag:  For some reason, the Solzhenitsyn function has fallen into desuetude.

bratty sisters converted to sex bots:  You have more faith in contemporary debrattification techniques than I do.

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  The sort of person who forgets to pay his property taxes for three years and ends up on the street drinking RoundUp.

gigger bites:  “Gigger”? Please.

barely-melted capacitor:  Connect the power supply just one more time. Let’s see if we can melt that sucker for good.

i love her yahoo answers:  Wait until you find out the reason why she was posting as Anonymous.

which one is beavis:  The one who looks more like Ted Cruz.

powered by gossamer links perversity:  Is that the new name for Tumblr?

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Strange search-engine queries (536)

Data-acquisition methods have changed somewhat over the ten years we’ve been doing this feature, but the motivation remains exactly the same: find out what people are searching for, and make fun of it whenever possible.

are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree:  You wanna try telling a goat it can’t go up a tree?

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of pornography. he gives endless examples of smut he has seen in movies and on television, and spends a lot of time hanging around porno houses to get even more examples:  And his right palm is covered in coarse, sticky hair.

unmitigatedly cute 18y.o. virgin skinny young teen & compacted breast strip:  That you, Mark?

10000 leagues under my nutsack:  No, maybe that’s Mark.

definition of a nerve:  Whatever it is, Mark’s got a lot of it.

chickens could not be taught to play baseball because they would chase the ball after it was batted, rather than run to first base:  Perhaps if you built a road perpendicular to the base path.

oldest known board game: Um, Great-Uncle Wiggily?

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  To buy a brand-new car, because, by golly, she deserves one.

barista salaries:  I hope they make more than Sofia.

relative silence:  Most people’s relatives are anything but silent.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink, 6 blue, 7 orange, 9 yellow, and 3 green marshmallows. he picked one of the marshmallows from the bag:  And somewhere, a leprechaun died.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy rectum:  Not here, you won’t.

meghan trainor tongue:  Her tongue is No. (You need to let it go.)

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