Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (585)

And here we are at Monday again, wondering how the week’s going to go. In the meantime, this is what’s showing up in the search logs.

neon bras:  I mean, yeah, if you’re wanting to attract attention, then sure.

beautiful woman turns invisible:  In which case, she might want to lose the neon bra.

A town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. The new road is:  About twenty times as expensive as the old one.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  I’m not sure I’d want to see smut from such a source.

princess twilight sparkle figure:  At least it’s not likely to be smutty.

stop, hammer time:  I’m not about to touch that.

unlaying:  Oh, great, the hens are on strike again.

bullet dealer missouri:  Have you tried a place that also sells guns?

triggered gun:  The best kind, unless you’re keen to waste bullets.

google eats:  Trust me, you can’t afford to feed it.

a few inches later:  Yeah, that’s what she said right after she decided to dump you.

short stroke:  Along with that.

w-2 scam:  You’ve got a day and a half to clear this up.

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Strange search-engine queries (584)

This site, as previously mentioned, is now 21 years (and one day) old. And this particular feature, wherein we examine the search strings that provoked visits to that site, has been around for about half that time. How this happened, we’ll never know.

maybe your daughter? young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  Not my daughter, and she’d plant a boot up your butt if you so much as suggested it.

1997 mazda 626 od light flashes but does not rev up motor when it comes on going down hiway:  Prepare your checkbook.

naked car men:  They better hope they don’t have a transmission failure while they’re going down the highway.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Probably less than 40 percent of the service.

why is beaver slang for a woman’s private area:  None of your business. It’s private. Go back to looking for milf bimbos on Tumblr.

“wordpress” “backup” -“cv” -“resume” -“hiring” -“free software” -“powered by” -“wordpress.com” -“wordpress.co.uk” -“last updated:” -“last update” -“just another” -“posted from”:  Obviously some clod who has time to do this because he’s unemployed.

“lice masters”+”oklahoma city”:  At least his typing wasn’t lousy.

bob davis fish market okc:  About half a mile from Lice Masters.

until upskirts vacuum varies:  Yeah, but they all suck.

jaded amaranthus automation:  Don’t be such a pigweed.

foreskin rolled back permanently:  Where you gonna go for the rollback? Walmart?

readme.html wordpress capacitor:  I’m not quite sure which this guy understands less: capacitors, or WordPress.

duck i am gonna whip somebody’s:  Acting out of mallards?

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Strange search-engine queries (583)

The cruelest month slides into its third day, and we issue our first batch of selections from the local search strings. And they’re not too bad, we hope.

jack jack jack:  This will persuade most readers that you don’t know jack.

backup exec connection open and login was successful but then an error occurred while enabling mars:  Oh, yeah, like they’d try to enable Uranus.

frontier soups:  Try the Cream of Tumbleweed.

eye of beef:  Use it as an additional flavoring for Cream of Tumbleweed soup.

foreskin puns:  Would not include, for instance, “eye of beef.”

horrid henry horrid homework haze:  Horrid hatred hasn’t helped.

dust robert ashley:  When you had him stuffed and mounted, you promised that you’d keep him clean and dust-free.

mammalian protuberances:  Please do not stare at the women, Mr. Buckley.

her junior:  Because pursuing a freshman under those conditions might look bad.

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Which is why you probably won’t see any more franchises for Kyrgyzstan Fried Chicken.

what is good bone structure:  What you won’t have if the only place you ever eat is Kyrgyzstan Fried Chicken.

“leave a” ~chintziness:  Obviously this does not reference leaving a tip.

police license plate scanner blocker:  You know, if you can afford one of these, you can afford to renew your damn plates.

zodfoot:  An unusually painful experience, generally prompted by failing to kneel before Zod.

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Strange search-engine queries (582)

Welcome to Monday. As always, we begin the week with a trip through the search strings that lead people to this very site. Some of them are even amusing, we hope.

joanne had always had great birthday parties, so she was excited for her 18th birthday. however, when the day came, she was disappointed. this illustrates the:  Excruciating dullness that is adulthood.

horse feeds pigeons:  Though probably not to the hungry foals.

nearest steak:  It’s got to be better than those damn pigeons.

dishardening:  When you get older, it’s inevitable.

codes, ciphers and spies tales:  After which, President Trump will excuse himself and go play golf.

life insurance without medical exam or questions:  It helps if you’re only twenty-two.

maybe your daughter? young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  Not my daughter, I assure you.

the cramped quarters migrant boat:  And the airlines are studying how they did it.

suppose a handbill publisher can buy a new duplicating machine for $2000 and the duplicator has a 1-year life. the machine is expected to contribute $2200 to the year’s net revenue:  At which point the publisher discovers he’s working for less than minimum wage and sells the equipment to the nearest Greater Fool.

bucking the vent:  Yeah? Well, buck you too, pal.

peter boorish:  It is. Now put that thing back in your pants.

by the ___, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  “Third year of reality television.”

shoes off at the door:  And drop your pants in the hallway.

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Strange search-engine queries (581)

Our hearts and our brackets equally broken, we return to what we do best: sift through the week’s search strings to see what the population really, truly wants to know.

keith olbermann the resistance:  Makes about as much sense as “Shelley Duvall the Linebacker.”

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  Unlike Danny himself, who is something of a douchecanoe.

radio stations near me:  Are probably playing “Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

russian refineries:  In case the Trump Organization decides to go into the gas-station business.

police license plate scanner blocker:  Or you could just wait for the state to come up with an unreadable plate design on their own.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  Never mind that. Where can I get 25 percent on my savings?

“selfdriving car” or “self-driving car” or “self driving car” or “driverless car” or “autonomous car” or “driverless vehicle” or “robotic car”:  Guy looking for a self-writing essay.

the law of demand​ implies, holding everything else​ constant, that as the price of yogurt:  Decreases, the number of hipsters increases.

premium jailbait:  Instead of five to ten years, you get 15 to 30.

which scenario best demonstrates the function of money as a measure of value? joel has been keeping his spare change in a jar for months. he decides to cash it in, so he takes it to the bank. he gets a crisp $20 bill in exchange for his collection of coins. lin has been saving $10 a week for college:  And will have enough to cover the costs of her Airing of Grievances degree by the year 2081.

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Free-range crickets, among other things.

microwave oven custom kitchen delivery:  Shut up and get to moving those refrigerators.

marvin gaye kevin durant:  Name two guys who have declared “Ain’t that peculiar?”

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Strange search-engine queries (580)

Why, yes, we are a trifle bleary-eyed this morning, no thanks to DST, but we’re still here at the old stand with your weekly selection of odd search strings, as reported to this very site.

Which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? Most people steal money if i:  Send them a check on or before the 15th of April.

scott, a young professional, buys a new bmw, even though a ford would have cost him less. scott values the bmw brand. this is an example of:  A desperate attempt to build self-esteem.

female y chromosome:  Um, no, not really, though that cutie in the silver Bimmer is deadnamed “Scott.”

her name was joanne:  Well, yeah, once she decided she didn’t want to be “Scott” anymore.

a few inches later:  Okay, that’s enough talk about Joanne for now.

clock that says 12:30:  Hmmm. Must be half past one.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  Swipe their password.

fakelike:  Similar to, but not exactly equal to, a fake.

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  And therefore she will be defeated in her run for a City Council seat.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Can’t be more than, oh, fifty thousand of those.

amy taller than sonic:  Doesn’t matter. She only has eyes for the little blue blur.

taxpayers fork out $30k for shady feast:  $4k of that was for keeping the sun off the food table.

are they ill tempered:  They are if their lunches spoiled in the heat.

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Strange search-engine queries (579)

Yet another installment of this excursion into the land where the search strings are kept. (Contrary to popular belief, it’s not in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch.)

upskirts vaccine varied:  Wait until he finds out that most people get a shot in the arm.

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:  Tourist traps just off the Interstate.

tg://resolve?domain=stalin_gulag:  This was resolved by the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

a dealership purchased a four door sedan:  And sold it for twice its value to someone who couldn’t afford it.

lolita channel rule34:  Not here, guys. Go somewhere else to lust after tweens.

written episode legs:  There is such a thing as overly limited fanfiction.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  Extreme boredom, until he gets out of Iowa.

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  100 percent, once Juan hooks up with Barry.

the news/talk/information radio format appeals to advertisers looking to target:  People who are overly obsessed with politics, but who have jobs.

“lice masters”+”oklahoma city”:  Typed with one hand while scratching his head with the other.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn:  Better them than me.

2002 mazda 626 common problems:  For one thing, it’s fifteen years old.

dolts:  But enough about Congress.

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Strange search-engine queries (578)

A couple thousand people wander onto this site every week, and you have to figure they’re not all here to listen to me complain about corporate average fuel economy or wax lyrical about some starlet’s dazzling legs. They’re looking for something, and looking at those somethings is what we do on a Monday morning.

little fat yogurt girl shit outside street porn:  Which is not to say that we necessarily enjoy looking at those somethings.

fakelike:  For when full fake is overkill.

in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The one where persons of no recognizable merit are handed the reins of power.

frickin frack:  What she said after the earthquake rattled her home in the oil patch.

in this stanza, prufrock repeats “do i dare?” three times. what does the repetition indicate about his state of mind? he is indecisive. he is worried about the stairs. he is adventurous. he wants to be on time:  And he’s afraid of drooling peach juice down his vest.

upskirts vaccine varied:  I don’t think they give shots for that.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is delivering:  Her bid to succeed Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary.

“marlboro” “smut”:  The third-largest export of Marlboro Country, following tobacco and emphysema.

crossdresser fingering:  So long as he keeps it to himself.

handful of singles:  What’s left of your savings account.

paul savage purchased a restaurant named burger haven from larry jones. the purchase would cause the number of reporting entities to:  Go somewhere else for lunch.

48 hour psychiatric hold:  After which you will be released into the wild once more.

who is judge jeanine pirro’s plastic surgeon:  I have no idea, but surely he deserves a raise.

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Strange search-engine queries (577)

“I knew, even before the Internet was invented, that some people would use it to discover strange, wondrous things.” — George Washington (1732-1799)

drawing conclusions about every woman who wears a size 14 or larger in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who wear a size 14 or larger would be:  A really good way to get your ass kicked by some very angry women.

student loan debt blog:  Twenty years gone by, and they still haven’t finished it.

10cc neofascism:  You’re taking those rubber bullets far too seriously.

666 yahoo answers:  Of which approximately 80 made sense on first reading.

aaron’s persistent feelings of sadness and impending doom dominate his life. every time he says anything even a little positive to his therapist, the therapist smiles. otherwise the therapist has a stone face. this therapist is probably using some variation of:  Psychotherapy for Dummies (Second Edition).

bob seger birthday meme:  If your birthday is the sixth of May, you’re going to Katmandu.

12yo slut:  Now see? This is what happens when you let adolescents search for porn.

new six:  Will appear in more full-size trucks as CAFE makes V8 engines problematic.

trumpcare meme:  Just lie down over there until you get better.

on march 1 1982 john deposited $2250:  Which today is worth nearly seven hundred dollars.

economy in shambles:  According to each president since Benjamin Harrison, what his predecessor left behind.

elizabeth kucinich tongue ring:  Is this why we haven’t heard much from Dennis lately?

invisible clothes for women:  Approved by the Emperor himself.

is kevin durant marvin gaye’s grandson:  Is this something you heard through the grapevine?

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Strange search-engine queries (576)

What we have here, as we have had most Monday mornings for the last decade or so, is a collection of the weirder search strings that led people to this very site. (Don’t worry if one of them is yours: yes, we do record your IP address, but yes, we’re too lazy to track you down.)

how to replace a toilet:  Inevitably, this must have come up on a weekend when the plumbers charge extra.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  Which, judging from some of the box sets I’ve seen lately, should be assumed.

russell westbrook points:  And then laughs.

pony insurance:  In case you were wondering how Filthy Rich earned his cutie mark.

judge jeanine naked:  Fox News doesn’t need ratings that badly.

bail bonds near me:  Which makes more sense than, say, bail bonds at the other end of the county.

2017 surly troll:  Steve Bannon, had he not gotten a government job.

written episode legs:  Including several pages of shoe dangle, presumably for fanservice.

a few inches later:  She told him to get off and quit wasting her time.

626 number meaning:  It is the number of the man half a block from the Beast.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  The same old thing, because competitors will immediately throw cash on their hoods.

are they ill tempered:  Ever since the election.

nudist fiction:  Presumably taking place in the summer, for what I would consider obvious reasons.

foreskin news:  With your host, fast-talkin’, slow walkin’, good-lookin’ Mohel Sam.

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Strange search-engine queries (575)

After yesterday’s overblown spectacle, it’s nice to come home and tuck into a few search strings.

Wait, what? It’s Monday? Oh, well. Never mind.

anything but sue:  Unlike the situation which prevails today, in which anyone can sue anyone else over anything.

is chocolate milk bad for you:  Everything is bad for you. Don’t worry about it.

i have seen you somewhere:  Was I drinking chocolate milk?

waiting for january like:  This being February, you’re in for a long wait.

my woody’s outside covered with snow:  So that’s why you were waiting for January.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is:  Looking for a job as a political strategist.

my parents didn’t steal an elephant:  And this is why you’re so screwed up at thirty-five.

after polly shrum sells a stock, she avoids following it in the media. she is afraid that it may subsequently increase in price. what behavioral characteristic does shrum have as the basis for her decision making?  Fear of her brother-in-law offering to give her investment advice.

daddy is so big:  You’ll catch up when you’re older, shrimp.

mr. loopner born without a spine:  Didn’t keep him from being elected, though.

“special snowflake”:  Once you’ve seen enough of them, they won’t seem so damn special anymore.

susan asked her roommate to lower the radio as she was trying to study. her roommate had turned the radio up originally from a volume level of 14 to 15, which was just enough for susan to detect. she turned it back down to 14 after susan asked her to lower it, which satisfied susan. this is probably:  Still too damn loud, and how did she get it up past 11?

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is about:  As big around as a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

aw heck why not both:  Then again, why either?

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Strange search-engine queries (574)

A lot of traffic here comes from random Googlers or Bingers or Whateverers who are looking for something specific, and the sheer volume of content I maintain — we’re coming up on 30,000 pages now — practically assures said randoms that if you dig down far enough, you’ll hit this place. (To prevent this, search engines limit the number of results they send, and who can blame them?) What they don’t know, of course, is that I read them, and once a week I post some of the weirder ones.

assume every semester after finals you fly back to your hometown using a​ $300 ticket you buy online. you have​ 40,000 frequent flier miles. you could exchange your miles for a​ round-trip ticket to bermuda over spring break:  It’s a shame you can’t cash in those miles to reduce your student-loan debt.

fourth font:  A sign that you’ve overdecorated your Web page.

what is the mass of the water located in the right arm between the dashed line and the right cap?  This says “I will do anything to avoid actually solving this problem.”

theresa may upskirt:  I’m sure Mrs Thatcher never had to put up with stuff like this.

madison gets annoyed because her friend susannah forwards to her every chain email that lands in her inbox. madison needs to tell susannah to:  At the very least, “Stop forwarding that crap to me.”

they went to jared:  And Jared told them to make their own damn sandwiches.

michelle left dirty dishes in the sink for a couple of days. when her roommate tania saw this, she left a note on michelle’s door demanding that michelle clean up after herself. after reading the note, michelle angrily put her garbage cans in front of tania’s door. tania then went into:  A fit of pique.

naturalist cleaners:  Removes even the filthiest soil samples from your field gear.

2017 surly troll:  Trust me, trolls have been surly since the earliest days of Usenet.

which of the following statements supports the idea presented in this quote from the excerpt? were there not even these inducements to moderation, nothing could be more ill-judged than that intolerant spirit which has, at all times, characterized political parties:  Especially the parties that want to pretend that they’re tolerant.

nude sneeze:  If nothing else, it will keep snot off your clothes.

my parents didn’t steal an elephant by uriah c lasso:  Which in no way resembles The African Princess by Erasmus B. Black.

suppose you are about to graduate from high school and your generous aunt scharf makes you an offer. she will give you $2000 today or she will give you $2500 in four years when you graduate from college. assume no inflation or taxes:  And then facepalm when you realize the likelihood of having no inflation or taxes.

baby on board something something burt ward:  Holy vagueness, Batman!

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Strange search-engine queries (573)

Exactly zero individuals paraded through the streets this past weekend demanding this feature. Not that I’m surprised, mind you.

daddy browning peaches:  Threw ’em on the grill right next to the pork chops, he did.

kenworth check engine light with wrench:  Will cost you money. Get used to it.

banana slug search engine:  That’ll teach you to laugh at DuckDuckGo.

the carson family will purchase three used cars. there are two models of cars available, model a and model b, each of which is available in four colors: blue, black, red, and green. how many different combinations of three cars can the carsons select if all the cars are to be different colors?  And then they got to the dealership and all the cars were white, black or grey.

judge jeanine pirro cleavage:  You wouldn’t have noticed back in the days when she was wearing the standard judicial robe.

consider the sauce:  And only then order your pizza.

“special snowflake”:  More than a handful, and suddenly they don’t seem so damn special anymore.

female y chromosome:  Y is Y, whether girl or guy.

foreskin rolled back permanently:  Do you have a Y chromosome?

countering foreign propaganda and disinformation act of 2016:  We’re now supposed to give preference to domestic propaganda and disinformation.

google eats:  Your soul. Prepare to switch to Bing.

jack baruth wife:  This would be the legendary Danger Girl, who can and will kick your ass if you give her any grief.

small towns balk at amtrak plan to expedite boston route:  Especially small towns in Nebraska, which will not benefit from it.

renee richards argues in favor of reducing the patient load of our nurses. but it’s obvious why she says this. renee is a nurse herself, so of course she wants a reduced patient load. nobody should pay too much attention to her pleas:  Must be a different Renee Richards. The one I know about plays tennis.

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Strange search-engine queries (572)

Time once again for our weekly plunge into the wacky world of search strings, hoping that at least a few people were looking for Weird Things on the intrawebs. (Not to worry.)

Jane’s Candy Shack was a quaint shop, in a small town, with high end items that never attracted many:  Once the locals found out that Jane was making them out of kale.

Pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month:  Apparently the locals have found out that Pete is making them out of kale.

peed myself on purpose:  You sure it wasn’t the kale?

microsoft cannot verify the license for this product office 2010:  A polite way of saying “You stinking pirate, pay up.”

pretend you’re xyzzy noodle ninja:  Method acting has fallen so far these days.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn:  Fine. As long as I don’t have to.

the cramped quarters migrant boat:  Well, yeah. Most people don’t try to go it alone.

my parents didn steal an elephant by uriah c lasso:  Come to think of it, most parents haven’t stolen elephants. Yet.

is walmart open on christmas eve:  Better that you’re asking now, in January.

yogurt silly putty:  Does poorly at picking up the ink from the Sunday comics.

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  Yeah, same to you, pal.

brandname parts, inc., makes and sells parts for the repair of major appliances. clarice suffers a loss when a defective brandname part in her freezer fails to keep the contents fresh. a statute restricts the time within which clarice may file a product liability suit once she has discovered:  That all her burritos have gone bad.

glyphosate in cheerios:  Brown sugar tastes better, believe me.

fox news shortest skirts:  As long as they’re not on Bill O’Reilly. Or Geraldo.

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Strange search-engine queries (571)

This is not the longest-running feature on the Web. (Heck, it’s not even the longest-running feature on this site.) But after about 11 years of something resembling development, it’s reached its current state of whatever the heck it is. The search strings are real; only the IP addresses are masked to protect the searchers.

is 5’5 short for a guy yahoo answers:  Not for a guy on Y!A, no. They tend to be stunted.

“islurp.biz:”  A good name for a content scraper, anyway.

specto fork:  A short-lived utensil, used when dining on Space Food Sticks.

ban stories, mom’s overindulge deduct apropos:  That’s odd. Mom never overindulged before.

naturism today:  Today it’s 10 degrees. How about tomorrow?

nudist fiction:  Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl, both get naked. Nothing more to it than that.

shoes off at the door:  In nudist fiction, it’s pants off at the door.

tyrant series:  Renewed for another season, alas.

when alice needs to figure out how to host a work party for 100 employees with a modest $100.00 budget, she needs to be innovative and imaginative. in order for alice to host a successful work party she will need to use:  The assistant manager’s MasterCard.

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is about:  Knee-high to a grasshopper.

zoie burgher 12 seconds of ecstacy:  That’s about a minute and a half in dog delight.

according to molly ivins, enjoying your work is important because:  One way or another it’s going to kill you.

angelica is an unpaid homemaker who works as a volunteer at the local red cross and is currently not looking for a paid job. the bureau of labor statistics counts angelica as:  Working, until the new administration comes in and it becomes necessary to fudge the results in the other direction.

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Strange search-engine queries (570)

Not that you need the explanation at this point, inasmuch as we’ve been doing this for over ten years, but if you managed to miss it somehow, it’s like this: lots of traffic arrives here, not because they think I’m so gosh-darn wonderful, but because they’re Looking For Something. (“Everybody’s looking for something.” — Eurythmics) Once in a while, what they’re looking for is off-color, unexpected, or downright weird. And that’s what you’ll see here.

prime jailbait pantyhose pics:  Well, this is 2017, which is a prime number.

unrelated to a black edge glasses camera girls and girlish. it was sex favorite bimbo woman with ample boobs and does not suit a small system delicate! mommy:  Few bimbos, mommies or otherwise, qualify as jailbait.

+let’s hit it in the face with a shovel:  Is that better or worse than stepping on the business end of a rake?

new frontiers in pediatric traumatic brain injury torrent:  If you’re still downloading torrents for stuff that’s for sale, we assume you’re suffering from a brain injury.

how much does a ford:  If you have to ask, you can’t a Ford.

mighty muffler halifax:  Recommended for my old ’66 Chevy Nova Scotia.

average auto insurance rates:  Please submit your name, address, and a copy of your driving record for a quote.

aquafina doesn’t freeze snopes:  Snopes is in southern California. Almost nothing freezes them.

dr. phil former priest pete vs. scorned ex-wife pamela: who is to blame for their son’s death?  Dr. Phil, obviously.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries. the average amount of their winnings will be:  Damn near nothing. You think a surplus store is rolling in dough or something?

can a vanishing twin reappear:  Maybe, if the producers can talk the person playing both roles to work twice as hard.

stomach stapling specialist vienna:  There is no obesity among the Viennese; anyone who gains too much weight is pitched into the Danube.

why is beaver slang for a woman’s private area:  It would be pretty silly to call it a koala.

you thought this would be easier eh?  You kidding? After ten years I can do this in my sleep.

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Strange search-engine queries (569)

On the off-chance that you got a new computer for Christmas and have never seen this before:

Several thousand people visit this site every month. Not all of them do so to bask in my alleged brilliance; many of them are just Looking For Something via Google or Bing or whatever. However, we can see what they’re looking for.

some like it squat:  Far be it from me to block their desires.

charles looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. he immediately feels his heart start to pound and he simultaneously experiences fear. which of the following theories best explains this emotional response?  “WTF am I doing way up here?”

feckful farmeress:  You mean, like the Pioneer Woman? She’s got scads of feck.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  Reince, is that you?

on a given morning, franco sold 40 pairs of shoes for a total of $80 at his shoe store:  I’m guessing these aren’t exactly haute couture.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u. s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  She’s a white progressive.

mira titled i want to be a stewardess:  Which position doesn’t require a title these days.

peed myself on purpose:  This will probably disqualify you from being a stewardess.

tinkerty tonk old fruit and down with the nazis:  You’ll feel better in the morning, Mr Churchill.

lara croft x male reader:  Oh, don’t you wish.

jessica rabbit x male reader lemon:  What, did Lara Croft turn you down?

how much does a ford:  More than you think, now with EcoBoost®.

the strange case of avogadro’s airline flight 6.02 on october the 23rd:  I think you’ll find a mole was responsible.

where the fuck is the g spot:  Start over there at the A spot, and keep moving in one direction.

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Strange search-engine queries (568)

This exercise is actually pretty simple. Everyone who visits this site from a search engine brings along a string of text that represents what is being sought. Some of those strings inevitably are more amusing than others.

“the board will feature”:  No, it won’t. You’re just surrendering to the Hype Machine.

pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month. what could he do to try to improve his net profit?  Use less turmeric.

ivan just spent an evening watching:  I still don’t know where he got the idea that the Boy Scouts awarded a merit badge for stalking.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  A late-night visit from Ivan.

guy convinces sister shes invisible:  And was paid $20 by Ivan.

by the ______, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:   “Election coverage.”

the fat grackle archive:  A good thing, since grackles have been painfully thin of late.

sir mix-a-lot jackass the movie (original soundtrack) (explicit) genre:  I like bad films and I cannot lie.

which of the following would result in cognitive dissonance? i believe smoking is bad for my health; i love to smoke. i believe exercising is healthy; i love to exercise. i believe dresses are feminine; nicole kidman sometimes wears pants. i believe profanity is childish; my father uses profanity:  Never mind that. How do we get Nicole Kidman out of those pants?

steely dan torture:  For instance, making them do it without the fez on.

crap diem:  Yeah, I think we’ve all had days like that.

does 7 eleven sell lottery tickets:  Along with corn dogs and unleaded gasoline.

where is parella lewis going:  To 7-Eleven. You need any lottery tickets?

what is lolita more likely to experience if she has many daily hassles and chronic stressors in her life?  Pervs like Clare Quilty.

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Strange search-engine queries (567)

Once a week, we dip into the search strings people used to find this site, and we hope we find a dozen or so worth mentioning. (Usually it’s not a problem.)

open season mascots:  The least you could do is tell me the bag limit.

please calp:  The last thing we need around here is a dose of calp.

read the excerpt from anthem, by ayn rand. what disaster took their reason away from men? what whip lashed them to their knees in shame and submission? the worship of the word “we.” in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The denial of the word “I.”

economy in shambles:  Shh. Don’t tell Ayn Rand that, or she’ll write another book.

suppose you own the patent for a new type of keyboard, hence giving you a monopoly over the industry. if you lower the price of the headphone from $150 to $120, then we can conclude that at the new price:  People will buy more headphones and ignore your monopoly keyboard entirely.

mazda premacy common faults:  For instance, owners who desperately search the Net in the hopes of finding free fixes for their cars.

shoes off at the door:  If you time it right, you can be pantless by the time you reach the bathroom.

armenian foot fetish:  Awfully specific of you. See if you can find a picture of a Kardashian in strappy sandals.

brenda johnson has used a preprinted form that she got from the internet to create her will. however, she was unhappy with one section of the will and crossed out the parts she didn’t like and hand wrote the changes she wanted. the changes that she made most likely made her will:  Slightly less readable.

www.slit:  Get two of them in parallel and we can do some quantum experiments.

glass hammer valkyrie:  Very stylish, perhaps not so functional.

driving 208 mph:  Most people never drive 104 mph twice.

+”mediocre ceo”:  Got all of his $2 million bonus in stock options.

since most ethics violations are small and rather insignificant in nature, employees need to understand that addressing these issues is secondary to making profits. ceos may be justified in putting these on the back-burner, waiting for more convenient moments to address them:  Which is how you know they’re mediocre CEOs.

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Strange search-engine queries (566)

If you’re new around here, this is a weekly compendium of search strings that people actually used recently which lead to pages here on this site. If you’re not new around here, well, it’s the same thing, actually.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  The inspiration for her subsequent campaign for Congress.

mr. craven lacks imagination and is a complete conformist. with respect to the big five personality traits, mr. craven probably would score low on which of the following?  Not that it matters, since he’s voting for Mary for Congress.

air biscuits:  Hey, whoever smelt ’em, dealt ’em.

are you hanging on the edge of your seat:  Sssh. I’m trying to pass this air biscuit.

bmw service intervals:  Whenever the car deems it necessary.

barely-melted capacitor:  Not included in your standard BMW service intervals.

if he only wants your breasts legs and thighs send him to kfc lyrics:  Be sure to pick up some Red Bull for wings.

where is parella lewis going:  I’ll ask her when she gets back from KFC.

some of mao zedong’s closest advisors believed that the great leap forward had failed because mao tried to:  Avoid killing everyone.

armenian foot fetish:  Khloe and Kourtney will be glad to hear it.

tammy is taking a college admissions test in math to see if she can enroll in an accelerated math course. she has heard that males tend to perform better on this test than females, although she has no evidence that this statement is true:  And it shouldn’t affect how she performs, anyway.

what’s the phone number:  BEechwood 4-5789.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland areas set aside just for:  Parking as far as the eye can see.

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Strange search-engine queries (565)

As for me, I give thanks that close to 2000 people visit this site every week, and some of them are looking for really weird things, thereby giving me the opportunity to fill up this space.

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  Hair growth on his palms.

dildo mistaken for duck:  Yeah, but what if it was the other way around?

pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month. what could he do to try to improve his net profit?  Bake some cupcakes in the shape of dildos ducks.

moby negotiates a contract with nora via e-mail. it is reasonable to infer that moby has consented to​:  Something, but you really don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?

your mom tells you to charge a price of 25 cents for each bracelet. since the marginal cost of making a bracelet is also 25 cents, this price will:  Suck.

a shift back to an emphasis on postponed gratification in america would most likely:  Suck.

swiftonsecurity doxxed:  Not a chance. The girl’s very name is “security.”

sears death spiral:  If it carries the Craftsman brand, it has a lifetime warranty.

scott, a young professional, buys a new bmw. scott’s new bmw is an example of:  Douchery.

little douche coupe:  Okay, enough about Scott already.

karl malden nose disease:  Usually diagnosed by visual inspection.

is artillery fungus harmful to humans:  Depends on whether it actually hits them.

lice masters treatment boutique oklahoma city, ok:  Ewwww. Still nicer than artillery fungus, though.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  You’re taking that word “swipe” too literally.

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Strange search-engine queries (564)

Yep, we’re still serving up those search strings from out of the logs, in the hopes of finding something marginally amusing.

vote no for sq 779:  Shouldn’t that be “vote no against SQ 779″?

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:   People who want to see what everyone else in the world has seen.

jailbait naturist:  Hard up for amusement, I see.

jailbait selfie nude:  And with no prospect of improvement in sight.

what’s the phone number:  867-5309. I thought you knew.

the law of demand implies, holding everything else constant, that as the price of yogurt:  Just sits there, I can’t be bothered to go look for a spoon.

mangnanimous:  One should always be generous with one’s mangoes. Or one’s manganese.

the news/talk/information radio format appeals to advertisers looking to target:  People who can’t deal with music anymore.

yuja wang nude dress:  Chances are, she’s dressed right now.

nichols hills dumpster rental alternative:  Buy a house just outside city limits and dump stuff there.

glyphosate in cheerios:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

crunch tanning beds:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

toyota prius v devon:  I’m betting on Devon, since there’s only the one Prius.

snow insurance:  Just wait until you see the premium.

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Strange search-engine queries (563)

Just what you needed: another Monday morning, and another traipse through recent search strings. (Not what you needed? Sorry about that.)

Made in Japan Mazda 626 auto transmission:  Some were, some weren’t. And those that were turned out to be no better than those that weren’t.

trent automobiles was expecting a large shipment of metal the previous week. but three weeks later, the shipment still hadn’t arrived. a lot of time was lost and the expenses shot up. this will result in a lack of:  Students actually trying to do their own damn homework.

nishiyama onsen keiunkan price:  If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Isn’t that, like, all of them?

grainy porn:  Obviously you need better Web toys.

fourhourworkweek/tmi:  If you have one of these, believe me, I don’t want to know about it.

indigenous peoples of north america torrent:  Well, you know, there are a lot of them.

drawing conclusions about every woman who leases a car in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who lease a car is called:  Setting yourself up for disappointment when they inexplicably refuse to follow your marketing plan.

two hours from now:  It will be a little past eight and you still won’t be awake.

superheroine trapped:  Oh, she’ll escape. She’s got to be there for the sequel, after all.

diet trim slack companion shapewear:  For those scared off by Spanx.

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:   I think there’s a little more to it than that.

fm receiver 7 little words:  You gave up AM radio for this?

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Strange search-engine queries (562)

Strangely light this morning for some reason. But no matter: it doesn’t take a whole lot of illumination to go through the week’s search strings.

wile e. coyote breakaway mug:  I suggest that pretty much everything Wile E. Coyote is breakaway in some fashion or other.

what is french moss:  One of the varieties that will not collect on a rolling stone.

sarah has just received her driver’s license and is now ready to drive to school. although she’s never driven to her school before, sarah knows the way. the fact that sarah can drive herself to school suggests that:  She wasn’t sleeping on the bus all those years.

lara croft x male reader lemon:  Wouldn’t ship it. Lara has no patience for such.

which best describes the “man” thoreau refers to in the excerpt? he expects others to attend to his needs when he wakes up. he is under constant protection by soldiers. he naps often and is always sleepy. he must have the most up-to-date news at all times:  And tomorrow, said “man” may well be replaced by a woman.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Yeah, good luck with that.

dimeking pesticide rainbow:  Opened for Bad Brains during a brief 2014 tour.

my shadow weighs 42 pounds:  And when you get your shoes shined, you have to take their word, right?

steely dan torture device:  Side Two of Katy Lied.

dundant:  Doesn’t count until it’s dundant twice.

during the two hours before their 7:30 p.m. appointments on wednesday evenings, the operations team had a weekly gripe session during which everyone gleefully unloaded on the powers that controlled their miserable lives. this session was valuable since it:  Was over in two hours, unlike every other corporate meeting.

renee ross sweater expander:  Probably comes in pairs, just like everyone else’s.

how can sports marketers cater to their female fan base without resorting to stereotypes and overgeneralizations?  But take away stereotypes and overgeneralization, and what’s left of sports marketing?

100000 leagues under my nutsack:  Sports marketing at its finest.

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Strange search-engine queries (561)

While ghosts and goblins and such ready themselves for the evening, I’m ready this morning with yet another set of search strings, because that’s just how I roll.

I want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Good luck with that. Probably fewer than 80 percent of grownups on webcam are naked.

naked wood nymphs:  Usually don’t have webcams.

last minute august 2014:  And then suddenly it was September.

two hours from now:  It quit being September quite a while back, actually.

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  Cultural indoctrination.

there is nothing trendy or hip about fenway. it is npr in an mtv world:  In which case, Wrigley Field is TV Land.

dampnation:  The shortest possible way back from drought.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly. if she succeeds in this and similar endeavors, this will help her to:  Discover new ways to fall flat on her butt.

specto fork error check log:  I’m sure this wasn’t covered in Linux class.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  It’s 37 times 18. Do I get two points?

fatty arbuckle bacon number:  Three, which doesn’t sound like a whole lot of Bacon.

closest albertsons grocery store to me:  And where the hell are you, anyway?

http://www.microsoftshitbrick.com/:  I don’t think you can get a new Vista install anymore.

crossdresser fingering:  Just watch where you put your thumb.

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Strange search-engine queries (560)

Welcome to Monday. Please fasten your seat belt, and prepare yourself from a highly unscientific sampling of actual search strings by which Web surfers actually managed to encounter this very site. (No wagering.)

J has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. While trimming:  I think we’re going to trim this story right here before it gets gory.

home depot jury duty policy:  If someone is killed by a power tool, you’re excused.

don’t you give me no dirty looks:  Has the dog been brought in and the cat put out?

yuja wang upskirt:  Not on your life. For one thing, there’s no room to hide a camera among the pedals.

jaded amaranthus range:  Matching fridge and washer/dryer combo sold separately.

i want to go to jail yahoo answers:  You keep coming up with questions like this and you will.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Annoying, to the surprise of no one.

jenny lawson net worth:  Shut up and give her money. She’s The Bloggess, after all.

a woman, alone in a house, ignores the creaking sounds she hears and experiences no stress. another woman hears the same sounds, suspects an intruder, and becomes alarmed. these different reactions illustrate which of the following?  Almost every TV advertisement for home security systems.

hostile groove fly routine:  We don’t need this hostile groove fly.

take me to steak n shake:  Well, that settles the question of where we’re going to eat.

a beelzebub; he spake as bigly and fiercely as a soaken yeoman at an election feast, this obedient and conducible youth!  Sounds to me like it’s rigged.

phlagm:  Phlegm’s younger brother, seldom seen.

monty python thermostat:  And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou set the temperature to 73. No more. No less. Seventy-three shalt be the number thou shalt set, and the number of the setting shall be 73. Seventy-four shalt thou not set, neither set thou 72, excepting that thou then proceed to 73. Seventy-five is right out.”

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Strange search-engine queries (559)

What makes Monday so special? Well, it’s probably not this recurring feature in which we single out some of the weirder search strings that got this site on people’s screens in recent days.

warren has been struggling to eat healthier but he forgot:  And now, he isn’t even struggling, lucky bastard.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  I suppose it’s better than spending two hours a day on Facebook.

lonely rivers:  That’s why they keep moving, so you can’t see how they feel.

horrid henry gizmo games:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

street bob for sale shawnee ok:  I had no idea they were bobbing streets in Pottawatomie County.

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  If I could remember that, I’d make it into a password.

brandon, a first-line supervisor at garden toys manufacturing regularly dishes out the verbal abuse to employees, berates, bad-mouthing and embarrassing them in public. this is an example of:  The sort of manufacturing we should have sent to China a long time ago.

renee ross sweater expander:  I’ve never known anyone named Renee who needed expansion, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

what happened to zager and evans:  So very far away. (Maybe it’s only yesterday.)

jane says her cousin is big boned:  It’s an election year. Trust me, we’re all boned.

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:   Not building strip malls all over the damn place.

doctor schmoctor:  Give me the news; I’ve got a bad case of foaming goo.

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times?  That would be the late, unlamented NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.

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Strange search-engine queries (558)

About this, I submit, there can be no debate: a lot of people are looking for a lot of weird things on the World Wide Web. It is the function of this long-running Monday-morning feature to single some of them out.

nylon stockings on sarah palin legs more:  Well, I certainly approve.

it’s me:  You sure about that?

crap diem:  Give us this day our daily fecal matter.

what’s the phone number:  Probably something like 1-800-4-CRAP.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  There’s a lot to be said for keeping your options open.

skintrovert:  Yeah, right. Now put some pants on.

take me to sonic:  You buying?

navigate me to the closest mcdonald’s:  You buying?

while listening to a sociology lecture, you mentally rearrange the ideas being presented, summarize the information, and repeat key points you want to remember. you are considered:  Potentially unemployable.

roger and adair are in an intercultural marriage. they have both agreed to give up certain aspects of their culture, but now adair is starting to resent giving up some of the things she grew up with:  Worse, the sociology student across the street is accusing both of them of cultural appropriation.

accursed crawling cape:  I keep telling you: No capes!

redneck nazgul:  And you thought Trump had no organization.

sherman oaks young chang dealer:  I won’t ask what he deals in.

unbaked lies:  These days, they’re more likely to be half-baked.

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Strange search-engine queries (557)

I’d like to think that the unnamed individuals whose search strings appear here are the same folks who wear the bracelet that says “In case of emergency, delete my browser history.”

super bobrovi film nude:  I’m guessing the one character you most want to see is the occasionally invisible girl.

overlord of flies:  Whew. For a moment there I thought you said “overload” of flies.

delouse plastics corporation pays its executives an excessive amount relative to other employees and to what executives at competitive companies are paid. this is most likely to be challenged as:  A generally DeLousy practice.

whatever happened twitter’s latest tweets:  Twitter says you don’t really want the latest.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  Some idiot going up and down the street with the subwoofers cranked to the max.

google now personalizes everyone’s search:  It could be worse. Suppose Facebook had a search engine.

in 2004, congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 provisions for tax breaks to groups such as restaurant owners, hollywood producers, and nascar track owners. this is an example of:  Business as usual.

soggycardboard rule 34:  Corrugation is not permitted in the common areas.

sing songs company owns 10 percent of the music industry. ten percent represents this company’s:  Responsibility for Miley Cyrus.

submitted by anonymous (not verified) moonbattery:  It doesn’t take that much for moonbattery to be verified.

uncomfortable flats:  About two-thirds the apartment market in these parts.

the lonely stoner frees his mind at night lyrics:  I’d bet there’s something in there about uncomfortable flats.

tweedledum and tweedledee:  And Gary Johnson.

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Strange search-engine queries (556)

There are, amazingly enough, people who visit this site just to hear what I have to say. But there are just as many people who wouldn’t know me from John Jacob Jingleheimer Runcible, who visit this site because they’re Looking For Something. Their efforts make this Monday feature possible.

zippy loan spam:  Is the spam itself zippy, or just the loan?

scorching hot new starlet treasure barbie gets fucked:  And as usual, Ken gets squat.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their:  You know who deserves an apology? The teacher who gave away a specific source, but her students continue to Google for answers.

walmart optical:  A hint at our future Bentonville-centric existence.

taylor swift trouble:  Take a number. You’ll get your chance eventually.

taylor swift foreskin:  Take a scalpel. She’ll get to yours eventually.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics-decorations:  How much of a terror can it be at only 14.5 inches?

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Dropping like flies.

nudist lunch:  And for God’s sake, don’t forget the napkins.

it’s that time of year again, known locally as “pothole season.” each winter, harsh weather, snow plows, and salt on the roads work together to create potholes. now that the snow is melting, this year’s potholes are being revealed:  Which, remarkably, seem to be adjacent to last year’s potholes.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  You have to figure that none of the subjects have been overdoing the bratwurst.

lowest possible resolution:  1 x 1. Good quality, but not much detail.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Pure and simple misapprehension. Reporters do not permit themselves to have doubts when there’s a Sacred Narrative at stake.

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