Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (512)

If you’re not familiar with this Monday-morning feature, please allow me to explain. This site is very large, as personal sites go — roughly thirty thousand articles on all manner of subjects — so there’s a good chance that J. Random Googler (or Binger or whatever) might actually land here, or at least be shown something here, while searching for something off the wall. If it’s far enough off the wall, I’ll notice it, and I’ll post it here.

blog A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for o:  Trust me, this culture was dying before I started putting personal rudeness and bad manners on a blog.

the who see me:  You better behave yourself, then. Especially in front of Townshend.

can a 20 year old take viagra:  If he’s sufficiently pathetic, yes.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  Then readers should not look at it until tomorrow, which is Taco Tuesday.

when sheila arrived at the gym on tuesday morning:  She knew not to overwork herself, because she wanted to be ready to go for Taco Tuesday.

candice routinely blows every little setback out of proportion. for example:  Last week, they had Taco Tuesday on Thursday, and she pitched a hissy fit.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  She realized that Fred Flintstone didn’t know jack about brakes.

kermit without mascara:  Frogs wear makeup?

paul and peter disagree:  As they have been, ever since we decided to rob Peter to pay Paul.

lolitas 7-15 whores collection archive:  And we’d better not find out that Paul has been spending Peter’s money on this kind of crap.

intj stare of death:  If this actually worked, I can think of several people who wouldn’t be here now.

flying anvil foundation:  Run by Acme officials as a tax dodge.

best way to catch a coyote:  Have you tried the new line of Acme anvils?

Comments (7)

Strange search-engine queries (511)

“We’ll always have Paris.” — Rick Blaine

“We’ll always have search strings.” — Me

good morning mr leech:  Always be polite to those you subsidize.

german lass milf patriarch sleeps with teen boyish sub subsequently game:  Um, this is not how you program the Holodeck, ensign.

We reject the prospect of failure or mediocrity or an inferior quality of life for any person is wha:  “Wha?” indeed.

biology of european sea bass (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here?

blackman 101 defenses (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here.

clear channel sucks:  Outdated. Today, it’s “iHeartRadio sucks.”

jerking off made simple:  When, exactly, was it complicated?

naked women funny:  If you should find one, never let her go.

models attract women through honesty mark nason pdf:  So it’s not the thousand-dollar dresses?

usenet youth and beauty:  Guy’s obviously never seen a flame war.

villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot:  Not so useful when the bad guy is a girl.

juan is an ardent environmentalist and the sole supporter of two children. he found out that his company is dumping toxic waste into a landfill. before pursuing this issue:  He makes sure he has photos of the general manager, naked, groveling at the feet of the dominatrix.

cuttlefish of cthulhu codpiece:  If you should see one of these, lob it into the landfill as though it were toxic waste.


Strange search-engine queries (510)

Mondays in November can be bleak, miserable, and, well, Monday-ish. Will this collection of oddball search strings collected from site records cheer you up? Geez, how the heck would I know?

Non violent gay cock and balls tickle torture stories:  Well, hey, as long as they’re nonviolent.

you’re young, you’ll adjust:  Yeah, but you told me that years ago.

to imply that the onscreen world is somehow out of balance:  Will surprise no one who’s ever paid attention to it.

jailbait in pantyhose:  Is still jailbait and is therefore inadvisable.

just over eighteen:  Ceases to be jailbait, but is probably still inadvisable.

plane crash bodies in seats underwater:  Must be some CNN guy desperate to fill time.

nena 99 red balloons armpits:  You’re missing the whole point of the song.

victoria justice ketchup feet:  Every time I think I’ve seen the last possible fetish, something like this comes along.

quadruple anal entry:  If that’s even possible, I don’t want to know about it.

revolting slob:  How I imagine someone who Googles “quadruple anal entry.”

cats don’t dance:  Not where you can see them, anyway.

fibonacci reeks:  Says the guy who can’t figure out how to program it in Visual Basic.

kim kardashian news today:  The scary part is that Google Webmaster Tools won’t send me this unless it’s within the first ten pages of the search.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (509)

Much as I’d like to believe that everyone who visits this site is a personal friend who comes to hear the soothing sound of my voice and the occasional clash of joyous cymbals, it takes only the briefest glance at the logs to reveal that this can’t possibly be true. A lot of people land here accidentally, because they were looking for something. And now and again, it’s instructive to see just what it is they were looking for.

“territory ahead” tee shirts backorder problems:  What’s the problem? T-shirts get backordered all the time.

the song of chrs brwn ft tyga kerin mccal:  Um, this is not Twitter. You can spell things out if you have to.

i’m gonna whip somebody’s duck ringtone:  Better a duck than nae. Or, for that matter, nae.

what is d meaning of 3 mal func written on benz c230 dash board:  It means that you get to write a check to your Mercedes dealer. You should be used to it by now.


if you were a fifteenth-century american indian living in the region of modern-day ohio:  You’d presumably be spared traffic in downtown Columbus.

there was an old man in a tree:  Who found himself taking a pee; the force of his bladder, his lack of a ladder, gave passersby something to see.

tom cruise rock of ages codpiece:  Yeah, nice rock there, Tom.

what kind of sexualized:  Let’s worry about that next Halloween, okay, pal?

snake with boobs:  Must have been somehow sexualized.

teenagers spend billions of dollars on stereo equipment and compact discs. they have the ability:  To drive you nucking futz in a matter of minutes.

get laid in okc:  If you’re asking me, you’re indeed hard up.

finger in the nose:  This may be why you’re not getting laid.


Strange search-engine queries (508)

Daylight Saving Time doesn’t end in the States until this coming weekend, so this morning is dark as a dungeon until well past seven. In the meantime, we’ve taken advantage of the darkness to examine the search-string records, some of which perhaps should never have seen the light of day, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Kelley offers Daniel $60 to wash her car. Daniel says he’ll consider the offer. In the meantime, Cec:  prepares to dump Daniel for even thinking about washing some other woman’s car.

a dealership purchased a four-door sedan for $15:  And subsequently resold it for $27,995.

fox news shortest skirts:  Just pray it’s not Sean Hannity.

Extra Large Car Sun Shade (2 Pack) for SUVs, MiniVans and Full-Size Sedans – Premium Baby Car Window:  WTF? Does this look like Woot to you?

“flammable material” “pulchritude”:  Yeah, we know, she’s hot.

if debbye is willing to pay $50 for a pair of shoes but only has to pay $20 because the shoes are on sale:  She’ll probably spend $30 on an almost-matching bag.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4:  In a better world, bacon would be free for all.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule:  This is not like the five-second rule, is it?

johnny cash’s car:  Ring of fire, and piston damage as a result.

this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions winchester bandit 9 gun safe accessories: Because robots would never, ever own guns.

you don’t have a valid license for visage:  Who’d license this face?

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  See if you can keep from vomiting.

“gonads” + “contact” ~immaterial:  Speak for yourself, pal. It’s pretty damned material to the rest of us.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (507)

This is a simple Monday exercise built on the premise that there are people on the Web who will look for strange things, and there’s a small if nonzero chance they’ll land here while looking. (Seriously. In the current WordPress database, which began in September 2006, there are 18,203 posts. For comparison, the Chesapeake Arena, where the NBA’s Oklahoma City Thunder play, seats 18,203.) The rest is easy: find some funny or awkward search strings, cut and paste, then snark.

search engine queries odd wierd:  Yes, that’s what I said. Weren’t you paying attention up there?

paul wesselhoft nut:  Wesselhoft being a Republican, I assume you want his right nut.

oldsmobile alero instrument panel humming from #19 fuse under hood:  Well, of course it’s humming. You can’t expect a mere fuse to know the words.

holly brockwell boobs:  They’re real, they’re spectacular, and they’re none of your damn business.

overfilled bra:  Also none of your damn business.

hardest pullout position:  Ask the Secretary of Defense, if we ever again get one worth talking to.

cars with spoiler:  We can’t tell you. It would ruin it for everybody else.

rowan is interested in becoming a florist. her mother’s best friend works at the local flower shop and has agreed to let rowan observe what she does after school for a week. this is an example of:  Unpaid internship at its most blatant.

d 13:  A poor substitute for a d20, because it has a tendency to fall at predictable angles.

funky kicks going down in the city:  Oh, I definitely don’t want to get caught up in any of that.

adolescent naturist:  Be sure that’s what he really is; sometimes they’re too lazy to get dressed.

be there in a jif:  More plausible than “Be there in a Peter Pan.”

reasonable psychic guidance cockeysville:  How about “Move out of Baltimore County while you still can”?

Comments (4)

Strange search-engine queries (506)

Granted: Christopher Columbus was something of an asshole. Still, we have this holiday, not so much to honor said asshole, but because the sort of people who always get lots of holidays couldn’t bear to go from all the way from Labor Day to Thanksgiving without a break. I have to work today, so I remain utterly indifferent to such matters.

what happens if you bite your tongue and hold your breath:  You’re being a good Republican, according to your party’s officials.

Mammoth cafe phone number catalytic converters:  Dial 1-800-AGHAST.

suicide prevention week 6-12 september we all need prayer right now. if i don’t see your name:  You may presume that you’ve been written out of the will.

although she tends not to make her presence felt when she’s in the chamber:  We told you not to vote for The Ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt, but you didn’t listen, did you?

windows 10 spinning circle:  This is for all you people who complained about the hourglass in Windows 95.

woman wanted a 64 inch backside:  Unrequited love for Sir Mix-A-Lot, perhaps.

run up an alley and holler fish:  And chips, or they won’t listen.

god burns down equestria for insurance money:  This has to be one of Prince Bluebood’s schemes.

rectal exam meme:  All your polyps are belong to us.

put your ass on the line:  How else can we conduct this rectal exam?

they all looked so damn happy:  They weren’t scheduled for rectal exams.

pharmville:  Finally, a Facebook game where you get to sell drugs.

if he only wants your breasts legs and thighs send him to kfc lyrics:  Still trying to find a rhyme for “extra crispy.”


Strange search-engine queries (505)

Cold and rainy on the West Coast; rainy and cold and really rainy on the East Coast. In between, maybe not so bad. We might even be able to go raiding the logs for funny stuff.

what character in mystery stories became invisable by touching her wrist:   That was probably Scarlet O’Neil, though I have to admit I never actually saw her do it.

british diplomats tropical duty pay:  One extra cup of tea, tepid.

you probably believe that the earth is spherical:  What’s more, I probably think this song is about me.

a classmate leaves a message on your voice mail betting that you cannot throw a stone high enough so it lands on the roof of a 20 m high building. as you stare out of your window pondering whether to accept the challenge:  A stone comes from out of nowhere and knocks you to the floor.

natasha wagner butt:  Not one of the Butt Sisters.

theocracy flag:  A white field with an image of the deity and the motto “DON’T SCREW WITH ME.”

grackle control:  It’s over there on the right, right below the tuning knob.

philadelphia experiment sailors fused to ship:  Only the first time; subsequent experiments were met with refusal.

judge jeanine pirro cleavage:  Why didn’t you say so? All this time she’s been sending shoefies.

has morgan fairchild ever been nude:  Not once. She was born wrapped in swaddling clothes, and bathes by driving through the car wash with the top down.

how to make viagra at home for men:  This is a complicated drug; it’s not like throwing eleven herbs and spices into the mix and pronouncing it KFC.

dishardening:  The inevitable result of trying to make Viagra at home.

phil spector’s wife adam carolla:  Far as I know, Phil Spector was never married to Adam Carolla.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (504)

It seems unreasonable to me that there should be 504 of these over a ten-year period, while there have been only 266 Popes in two thousand years. Then again, we don’t want to be changing Popes every seven days, either.

the reality television show wife swap exchanges the matriarchs from two very different families and films the result:  Kinda makes you wonder how it lasted for more than a season.

what happened to rebecca black:  Last I’d heard, she’d gone to Taco Bell.

mongoose agency:  So far, they have only the one mongoose, though they’d like to have more mongeese. Or is that “mongooses”?

lateral mobile shelving sioux falls south dakota:  You didn’t, um, accidentally build a shelf, did you?

hot girl serving beer:  Let’s hope it’s cold beer.

ariana grande having sex:  Shucks, I’d be happy if she’d just bring me a cold beer.

intravenous wine:  As a matter of fact, I like beer.

food for supper:  Highly recommended. In fact, most people actually prefer food for supper.

ay lav yu:  Wouldn’t “I <3 U” be easier to type?

shimshit lawyers:  That’s not how you spell “shyster,” although it probably ought to be.

a day full of fun dvd:  Preceded by half a day of previews, promotional material, outright commercials, and FBI warnings.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc:  Wonder what it takes to make sure our developers are content.

fiorina pantyhose:  You can’t assume someone will serve well in an elective office just because she has long, smooth, shapely, carefully crossed legs.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (503)

In case you’ve been spending all your time in the Real World — or worse, in the Political World, which is much the same except that everyone lies about the price of everything — this is a standard Monday-morning feature, wherein we disclose some of the wackier motivations people have for reading this site, based solely on the search strings they used to get here.

why is the gearbox hunting for gears in the mazda 626:  Same reason fruitbats hunt for fruit. Except more expensive, of course.

shiftless individuals:  Well, yeah. Their gearboxes are out hunting for gears.

ringjob sex:  Few mechanics I know will allow you to work off your repair bill.

world tour fishing couldn’t connect to gate server:  A poor choice of bait, perhaps?

all purchases until march 2016 10.9%-18.9% capital one classic platinum credit card:  Said the guy who thinks he’s actually going to get ten point nine.

isis lures women with dank memes:  Yet this sort of thing never seems to work for you. Why do you think that is?

wrench dressing:  All you really need is a light penetrating oil.

donald davis developed a nutrient quality index:  While sitting in the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

huey lewis penis:  Happy to be stuck with it, were you?

george shrinks car:  And yet it still wouldn’t get over 19 mpg, whereupon George threw himself to the ground and shrieked for several hours.

ariana grande covered in sperm:  Um, that’s not actually an area we cover.

did you ever have the feeling:  Why do you think we drink?

the most lewd and vulgar video webcam jailbait girls:  Someone’s auditioning for a sequel to The 40-Year-Old Virgin.


Strange search-engine queries (502)

Comes around another Monday, and with it, the need to poke around in the back room until we find what people are looking for that brings them here. We may yet regret it.

what happens when you hold your breath:  Try it and see. Report back in about an hour.

latina nudists who is a dead ringer of patty (the manager of the terra cotta inn):  You look at enough nudists, and eventually they all start to look alike.

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of pornography. he gives endless examples of smut he has seen in movies and on tv:  And then goes online looking for pictures of nudists.

if you were a fifteenth-century american indian living in the region of modern-day ohio:  You’d get stuck in downtown Columbus with no idea which way to go.

teen shows asshole on webcam:  This is hardly news; webcams are just full of assholes.

why dont we feel the earth move:  Um, poor choice of partners?

the planned extermination of an entire race of people is known as:  Tuesday.

shoes that look like food:  Loafers, maybe?

octopus bimaculoides for sale:  Well, you certainly can’t lease them.

spiderman and twilight sparkle:  It would never, ever work out. For one thing, J. Jonah Jameson is allergic to pony hair.

non nude crossdresser:  Well, yeah. Were they nude, how could you tell?

how to hump a stuffed animal step by step:  If you have to ask, perhaps you need a different hobby.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (501)

If you have Monday off, or even if you don’t, this Monday-morning feature is still around, showing you what lengths people will go to in the search for, um, let’s call it “information.”

daily double dirty worn wet discharged pantie with pantyliner:  Then again, maybe “information” is the wrong word.

f4 anvil:  The lower-priced alternative to Acme.

Buy don’t like the ear uncomfortable than eat shit Want to buy a sennheiser earplugs, please recomm:  When you’re in those coprophagic moods, the only thing that matters about earbuds is whether the cord gets in the way of your lunch.

Rove all over the world children suddenly the rain arena, I wish you have a dream for a hors:  My dream kingdom for a dream horse!

viral video proves the internet loves shade balls:  The Internet loves balls, shade or otherwise.

how many variations are there for the cd4e transmission:  At this point, two: broken, and not broken.

elkhart indiana stolen saab 97x black suv:  Well, it’s certainly not here.

jim develops 5 java applications a year. joe develops 10 java applications a year. jim gets paid $5000.00 per application:  Joe gets paid $1500 per application, quits, and goes off to write games for Android.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  It probably should have been written tomorrow, on Taco Tuesday.

whats third base with a guy:  I don’t know. (Third base.)

“wreck the dress” | “destroy the dress” | “drown the gown” | “trash the dress”:  Excuse me, but are you having an issue with this dress?

slammed cars:  Often they are slammed into bridge abutments.

Comments (4)

Strange search-engine queries (500)

Most of my brilliant blog ideas from the past two decades wouldn’t last for five posts, let alone five hundred. Yet here we are, doing that same old “What are you looking for?” scheme from ten years ago. The concept first appeared here, in August 2005; the current title was adopted a month later. The methodology has shifted a bit over the years, but the premise is always the same: you were looking for something, and at some point you noticed something here on this very site. With 25,000 or so pages on site, it’s hard not to find a match here for something, but most people won’t dig down too deeply, and the machines quit supplying results after a thousand or so.

ariel winter soles:  Now this is a man steadfast in his perversity: the poor girl gets a bewb job for medicinal reasons, but he’s only interested in her feet.

armenian foot fetish:  Then again, there is no shortage of Kardashians.

jay complains to his father that he wants more juice. his father takes the juice jay has in his glass and pours it into a taller but narrower glass. jay is now content that he has more juice. jay has apparently failed to develop:  But it won’t stop him from a successful career in American politics.

chkdsk wine:  If you’re lucky, you’ll have to do this at every reboot.

intravenous wine:  And I thought I was lazy.

pervy sloth meme:  Where would a sloth find the time to be pervy?

liability and coverage:  Don’t worry, Mrs C, the public will never know about your ability to lie.

peter yarrow net worth:  As the sole heir to Puff the Magic Dragon — well, a dragon lives forever, so Peter will be waiting a while.

claremore company received $7:  For which they paid 52 cents in Oklahoma tax.

if the word “win” is on a list of words a child is asked to remember:  Then this child is now forty, because schools haven’t taught anything abouut winning for thirty years.

baptize a cat:  If it’s full immersion, you’ll have the devil to pay.

can cats feel earthquakes:  Yes. They prefer them to baths.

cnn breaking news: south carolina to ban the sale of tylenol in bottles because they fear picking the cotton from the bottle may represent racism and slavery:  Must be a hoax, since there was no missing airliner involved.


Strange search-engine queries (499)

People look for stuff. This has been true of the World Wide Web ever since it went, um, World Wide back in the 1990s. I figure, the very least I can do is try to find what they’re looking for, and this is what the logs are for.

how to get rid of texting sound on galaxy prevolt:  Maybe if you don’t actually text.

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  Describe a method of destroying said subculture once and for all.

i hope they serve beer in hell:  They do. However, the British provided the refrigeration system.

we first knew them as the cute:  “Who are the major consumers of cosmetic surgery?”

too large penis:  Yeah, tell me another one, Stubby.

teenagers spend billions of dollars on stereo equipment and compact discs. they have the ability:  To deafen you at great distances.

world tour fishing couldn’t connect to gate server:  Insufficient bait.

how to hump a stuffed animal if your a girl:  Actual girls would never, ever have to ask this.

extreme jailbait:  You’re thinking of zygotes.

four winds revolving restaurant half price:  Must have been the day they could muster up only two winds.

spoony’s brother killed a man:  Doo-dah, doo-dah.

she’s got bite marks on her tongue:  All the doo-dah day.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (498)

This is the usual Monday-morning romp through the thicket of search strings that’s grown up around this site. You may have seen it once or twice before. (To the handful of you who have seen all 498 of these: what should you have been doing instead?)

james bond nightflies highly compressed working game download:  I suspect when James Bond is working, the entire timeline is highly compressed.

a flower for everybody:  Covered with bees?

mesonet cool machine the joker yet babe youtube:  Maybe if we give everybody a flower.

Latina nudists:  We will have no jokes about brown people.

if bribes cost $1:  A lot of people would move out of Washington in search of a better place to earn a dishonest living.

you probably believe that the earth is spherical:  What’s more, I think this song is about me.

pony in a car:  Let’s hope the seats are adjustable.

my child won’t stop talking:  Yet when said child is very quiet, you will immediately become suspicious.

justin bieber sagging:  He does seem to be aging a bit quicker than normal.

how to get lots of subscribers on youtube fast and free:  Improve the quality of the crap you’ve been posting.

guys comparing penis size:  They’re always doing that for some ungodly reason.

guy pout:  He came up short in the comparison.


Strange search-engine queries (497)

Comes Monday, and comes once more this weekly feature of the wackiest search strings that got this site up in people’s browsers. We do this because (1) it’s weirdly popular and (2) it’s less effort than actually writing something.

sanrio lawsuits etsy:  Because Hello Kitty belongs to the world — except, of course, for you and your little online store.

explained the deviation from the life cycle model for an 40 year old married male,self employed with:  An active Tinder account and a suspicious spouse.

teen in thongs with cameltoe non nude:  Technically, if she’s wearing that much, she’d have to be “non nude,” doncha think?

knee appalling tan:  You know, you probably shouldn’t have had that stuff sprayed on while you were seated.

how to make viagra at home for men:  You’ll need a can of spray starch and a pair of forceps.

find a company that will deliver a storage unit to my door orinda ca:  Having a storage unit by the door probably violates a town ordinance.

rebecca black high school:  Who would have thought they’d ever name a high school after Rebecca Black?

is oklahoma on a fault line:  Naw. All these earthquakes are caused by guys in $500 cars with $1500 stereos.

jersey barrier mover:  Gonna take more than your feeble F-250 duallie, bucko.

would like to swing on a star:  Here’s a jar. Don’t come back until you’ve crammed it full of moonbeams.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink:  Which for no apparent reason he ate last.

the endochronic properties of resublimated thiotimoline:  We already got to that next week.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (496)

Wherein we take a look around at the search strings that have led people to this site, and wonder what we did wrong.

(No lions were harmed in the construction of this article.)

was david stanley dealership okc fined $350,000 for false advertising:  If you’ve ever heard any of their radio ads, you’d want to fine them, whether the claims were true or not.

i hate dicks kayser roth meme:  I get the impression that this originally was two separate ideas squoze down into one.

beings unguzzled:  So don’t just stand there. Guzzle.

lesbian valvejob tongue:  Men, by contrast, have hydraulic lifters.

hebephilia tumblr:  Probably less than ten percent of it, overall.

barely dressed teen:  Did you try this search on Hebephilia Tumblr?

male pee desperation googlism:  Sorry. Can’t talk now. Gotta go. Sorry.

sansabelt action zone:  Too much slack in those slacks, bud.

oversized male genitalia syndrome:  Is it really a syndrome if 90 percent of men claim to be, um, suffering from it?

has morgan fairchild ever been nude:  Never. Not once. Why, she has a set of jumpsuits designed specifically for bathing.

quadruple boobs:  Are they all in a row, or arranged two by two?

gargantuan tits:  Big deal — unless, of course, you have four of them.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (495)

Yes, folks, it’s time once again for us to shake out the logs and hope something funny, or at least inexplicably stupid, falls out. Fortunately, something usually does.

viascum scam:  Or is that “viascam scum”?

when you barely stick the tip in:  You get her just as pregnant, with none of the attendant pleasures.

just gopher it:  I can’t gopher that. (No can do.)

superior potassium:  Sort of like Special K, then?

bobby goldsboro ethnicity:  He Japanese boy, he love you.

nothing ruins hump day like:  Not humping.

bra “uncomfortable”:  Well, Chuckie, you probably shouldn’t have been rummaging through your sister’s underwear drawer.

men pee pants:  Well, Chuckie, you probably shouldn’t have been rummaging through your father’s liquor cabinet.

men pout:  Especially, I surmise, after they’ve just peed their pants.

spoiler on the back of a car:  Because putting it on the front would look stupid.

seven students — four girls and three boys — have volunteered to direct the class play. mrs. barry decides the only fair way to pick a director is to put all of their names in a hat and draw a name. what is the theoretical probability that a boy’s name will be chosen?  Zero. If they don’t pick a girl, they’ll be facing a Title IX hearing.

gruesome car accident photos with the dead bodies:  You know, Chuckie, I think you were better off wearing your sister’s underwear.


Strange search-engine queries (494)

Admittedly, we only pull ten or twelve out of the logs for review here, but remember: #AllSearchesMatter.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn in 60 minutes if they work together. if hilda works three times as fast as stan:  It’s because Stan spent the first half of the weekend on the couch watching sports and has no energy left for actual work.

brain teaser: i am something:  Yeah, you just think you’re something.

whatever happened to quinn cummings:  She’s on Twitter as @quinncy, her lacerating wit intact.

youtubers who smoke cigarettes:  I suspect some of them have been smoking, um, something else.

what ford transmission do i have:  The one that’s broken.

tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength:  Too many people willing to cause too many tragedies.

jerking off made simple:  When, exactly, was it complicated?

the most lewd and vulgar video webcam jailbait girls:  Are still better behaved than Washington politicians.

funny paramecium cartoons:  Oh, they’re so ciliated.

did ariana grande have a baby:  Far as I know, she’s had only donuts.

girl with two heads:  You’d have better luck finding a girl with two faces.

trying to be less of an asshole than yesterday:  Well, thank you for that, Mr. Trump.


Strange search-engine queries (493)

This feature will be ten years old next month, and well, if it’s still acting like a nine-year-old, well, that’s what happens, right?

kudzu garnish:  It’s true. You default on a payment and they take away a portion of your kudzu until it’s paid.

monothelithic dumbhead:  Well, at least they’re not polythelithic, whatever the heck that means.

ariana grande having sex:  I’m pretty sure this sort of thing is not approved by Dunkin’ Donuts.

ari works at a train station. he notices that more people carry briefcases on wednesday than on sunday. he thinks that maybe this is because more people commute during the week. what should he do next?  He should quit watching briefcases and get his fat ass back to work.

when you find extra fries in the bottom of the bag:  You eat them and you don’t say a word about it to anyone.

reasonable psychic guidance cockeysville:  For instance, “Someday soon you will leave Baltimore County.”

business advisor to walk me through the merger process nueces county tx:  Who the heck would want to merge with you?

i need a business advisor to walk me through the merger process denver co:  Ever think about Corpus Christi, Texas?

my gummy bear dies my unicorn ran away:  And your job moved to Corpus Christi, Texas. This just isn’t your day.

barely-melted capacitor:  You can always wait until it melts completely, but it’s better to replace it now.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  Are you bragging or complaining?

i almost flew ass first into the screen at webcam jackers tube:  Perhaps they can pull you out by your “oversized male genitalia.”

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (492)

We hold these search strings to be self-evident: rather a lot of people, and not just Americans, are looking for rather a lot of peculiar stuff. It falls to me to chronicle it for the sake of cheap laffs.

the who see me:  Yes, but can you see them?

gandolph’s tires sells the same tire globally:  I’m not surprised. There couldn’t have been that much demand just in the Shire.

windows 10 not ready:  So? Windows Vista was never ready.

last supper beer pong:  Oh, that Judas, he’s such a cut-up.

deanne is married to a very wealthy attorney and she wants everyone to know that. she drives an expensive car:  Which she intends to keep after the divorce.

without me you’re a dime but with me you’re a buck fifty lyrics:  Seems like kind of an unbalanced relationship to me, am I right?

how early can i refill my klonopin:  Probably two-thirty, since it’s unlikely you’ll even be awake by noon.

villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot:  Which is why they’ll never make it to supervillain status.

hello kitty hospital gown:  No mouth, and no back either.

seventy percent ethanol:  Sounds like Uncle Zeke halfway through a three-day weekend.

guys pout:  Sometimes they even whine.

can cats feel earthquakes:  What’s more, they don’t like ’em.


Strange search-engine queries (491)

Just some of what’s been happening on the search-string front recently. (And there’s always something happening on the search-string front, as several years of this feature should have told you by now.)

who important lives on triple xxx road in okla:  Are we not all, in our own ways, important?

keb-c piss and love:  Sounds like a hardware issue to me.

last time i pulled my dick out in public:  You could have heard the giggling from Seattle to Sarasota.

six states down 44 to go:  “What is something never said by Fritz Mondale?”

in a paragraph of seven to ten sentences:  You will probably have put the reader to sleep by the fifth or sixth.

mira vista clothing optional resort tucson gate code:  And are they expecting you?

there was an old man in a tree:  Whose age was a hundred and three; along came a girl, he started to whirl, and while hitting the ground he said “Gee!”

if bribes cost $1:  An awful lot of politicians are gouging us.

mr. thatcher was admitted for a scheduled vasectomy. a vasectomy is the excision of the:  joy of sitting on the sofa watching sports for 48 hours straight.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule:  Given the unsavory results of testing the five-second rule, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go as far as ten years.

the doctors woman can’t recognize family; child caged in class like an animal? controversial eye color procedure? botched breast enhancements:  Press NEXT to continue with this week’s Cable Health News.

suppository fanfiction:  Probably written by some asshole.


Strange search-engine queries (490)

The days are now getting shorter, at least on this half of the globe, but there’s no evidence to suggest that people looking for weird stuff on the Intertubes are in any way reducing their volume.

a young woman who formerly had a fairly high sex drive:  Eventually met me.

why dont we feel the earth move:  Maybe your sex drive isn’t what it used to be.

brain teaser: i am something:  No, you’re not. You are Nothing. Do you hear me? NOTHING!

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  It was the first time she’d had any proper ventilation since the A/C compressor froze up that day in Lubbock.

shoes that look like food:  I live in constant fear that some day Crocs will produce a special Taco Edition.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  Surprisingly, the guys have not been complaining much.

shall i compare thee to a summer’s day hot as balls:  You’re new at this sonnet stuff, aren’t you?

rock man from fantastic four:  That would be Benjamin J. Grimm, who’s tired of being treated like a Thing.

is jailbait legal:  Perhaps you’re not comprehending that word jail.

cover photos for facebook timeline for girls attitude 399 pixels wide:  My, but aren’t we picky today.

oreo tits:  Hold out for the Double Stuf if you can.

things just happen what the hell:  Now you’re catching on.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (489)

If you’re just joining us — which is not entirely impossible, since we’ve had a smidgen of traffic growth of late — this weekly feature is intended to illustrate a range of search strings received at this site, from weird to really weird.

what kind of sexualized:  I dunno. What’ve ya got?

mia has lived in new york city all her life. she has noticed that people from upper manhattan walk really fast:  They’re afraid they’ll miss the train.

a young woman who formerly had a fairly high sex drive:  Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?

adam wrote a check for $38 to pay his monthly gas bill:  Must have been summer.

whats third base with a guy:  Having the gas bill paid.

jane says her cousin is “big boned” instead of saying she’s overweight:   Never mind that. What does Jane say about Rachel Dolezal?

white dora the explorer:  Doesn’t sell as well as more vibrant varieties.

last supper beer:  Peter insisted on Rolling Rock for some reason.

wrong turn 3:  The first one was interesting, the second one a little more focused; but in this third outing director Alan Smithee is clearly off his game.

sophia is in the fifth grade and lives in one of the most impoverished areas in the state. she has a history of academic failure:  But she will rise above these obstacles and take her place among the legions of mid-level bureaucrats who take two hours for lunch.

11 year old bra:  It still fits!

real women don’t date arsenal fans:  We’re sorry. This is the United States of America. We pay no attention to that soccer stuff.


Strange search-engine queries (488)

Once a year, a small but substantial segment of the population wonders if one thoroughbred can win the three biggest races of the year. Meanwhile, once a week, I wonder if I can find a dozen funny search strings in the log. Don’t bother placing your bets.

god “but when he moves, he moves quickly”:  Like who’s gonna stop God? Not me.

but your lovin don’t pay my bills pic:  Cut to picture of stack of bills going unpaid, and wonder how sex makes a difference.

Pics of nude apeman and wife sexing wild in the jungle and wrestling:  After that, I’m ready to look at a stack of unpaid bills.

fear of boobs:  In that case, you might not want to stare at the apeman’s wife.

points a and b are on opposites sides of wewoka lake. from a third point:  You want to summon help, because you shouldn’t have been out in this weather, what with everything flooded and all.

popeye’s fried chicken just took out an 8 percent interest-only loan of $50:  What, did they run out of biscuits or something?

worst eurovision outfits:  Are generally indistinguishable from the best Eurovision outfits.

taylor swift armpit hair:  This explains “nightmare dressed like a daydream,” anyway.

spoiler on back of car:  Well, it would be pointless to put one on the front of the car.

is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and ‘mangled mind’ leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict:  Fortunately, you can always start a #hashtag on Twitter.

iraq was formerly known as:  A hell of a lot quieter than it is now.

larry derryberry hairy fairy query:  Now that’s scary.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (487)

The time has come to modify this format a bit. With new logs from StatCounter and the incorporation of Google’s Webmaster Tools, search data are now much more easily analzyed, but the search string and the URL which doesn’t contain it anymore — both Google and Yahoo! are routinely encrypting search data — are no longer easily associated with one another. Reasoning that no one was actually clicking on the original URL in the first place, I have decided simply to leave the links off. (Links will seem to appear, for visual continuity, but they go nowhere.)

manny has been a coffee drinker since he started college three years ago. now he realizes that anytime he smells coffee when he enters a nearby starbucks he starts to feel more alert and awake even before he takes his first sip of coffee. this is an example of:  How we are in thrall to the vendors of Things Not Necessarily Good For Us.

mongoose web server:  Apparently not written in the Cobra programming language.

if you shopped at target from november 27 through december 18:  Your personal data is now being shopped in Central Europe, and bringing less money than you think it’s worth.

taylor swift sweat:  $95 an ounce at better retailers everywhere.

overlord of flies:  Mosquitoes, though they have more immediate needs, bloodsuckers that they are.

maria bartiromo legs pantyhose pics:  What’s the matter, screenshots aren’t good enough for you?

professional umbrage taker:  There are a lot of such these days, though as always they’re outnumbered by the rank amateurs, some of whom are pretty darn rank.

why do i repel guys:  Maybe you take too doggone much umbrage. Or maybe you just don’t have legs like Maria Bartiromo.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants:  Gentrification would ensue, and the poorer residents would be squeezed out.

christopher is considering breaking up with his high-school sweetheart. he spends many hours weighing the benefits and drawbacks:  And then it occurs to him that he’s 42 years old and probably shouldn’t be dating high-school girls in the first place.

poem I hope you’re not disappointed:  But if you are — hey, no refunds.

“I own a nudist”:  Then it’s a good thing that summer’s coming, am I right?

Comments (4)

Strange search-engine queries (486)

Things are apt to be even stranger for a couple of weeks, as we switch over to a new analytical system; however, we will continue to try to bring you, as we always have, the best of the worst.

Brain bug “Brain sucking” erotic:  Are you sure you didn’t mean “erratic”?

deadline 627 blogorrhea:  Well, then, it’s a good thing we’re only at 5/25.

transmission coolant line serviced now having shift problems:  You’ve heard that phrase “If it ain’t one thing, it’s another”? This is another.

economics At Fenway Park home of Boston Red Sox seating is limited to 34,000. Hence the number of tickets issued is fixed at this figure:  This is Captain Obvious reporting for SportsCenter.

its beautiful:  Yes, Fenway Park has its charms.

i was tortured by the pygmy love queen mp3:  A short-term relationship, I presume.

Taiwan Chat Meet Girls Meet Boys Make Friends Find Love…  Ah, if only it were that simple. (See “pygmy love queen,” supra.)

what was one of the advantages of western civilization:  It was reasonably well-mannered, perhaps too much so to thwart the barbarians at the gate.

your a curator of a museum. the museum is running out of funds-you decide to increase or decrease admission prices:  We’ll file this under “Western Civilization Problems.”

come who is thirty:  Certainly not I.

chevy van song crap:  A lot of those old Chevy vans were crap, and many of them were used to haul crap.

who has the price list for chaz on charles:  Did you check with Chuck?

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (485)

You’ve seen it before, you’re seeing it again: a wholly unscientific sampling of the search strings that brought people to this very site, biased toward whether we could get a joke out of them or not.

steve allen cuando calienta el sol picture cd:  Because you’d never recognize the recording if it had nothing but writing on the case, am I right?

when no one wants you:  Sing a couple verses of “Cuando Calienta El Sol.” It will warm up your cold, cold heart in a matter of … well, years, actually.

1. Tonight you can do anything you want, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant:  Or as Bill Clinton calls it, “Monday.”

July 9 1980 Fire in the hole:  Preparation H works, where Preparations A through G inclusive didn’t.

sextube small girl:  She will not make your objects appear larger, if that’s what you had in mind.

government-mandated 85-mph speedometers:  Now nearly as quaint as landau bars, and only marginally more functional.

barges to use as temporary housing owners:  This may not work well during a flash flood.

transportation fund lock box:  Once jimmied open, it proved to hold a fistful of IOUs, a couple of dustbunnies, and a half-chewed Starburst.

invisible spirits seducing women movies:  They had to be. Before they were invisible, they all looked like Joe Pesci on a bender.

“toe rings under”:  Under what? Under hosiery? Under $10? Insufficient data for conclusion.

2009 state law seattle porpety owner must bear expense of cost over runs:  I imagine a lot of people sold their porpety as a result.

sadamhusain pechar free:  You trying to tell me they cut off Saddam’s pechar?


Strange search-engine queries (484)

So here we are again, sifting through the system logs in the hopes of finding something that will add a smile, or at least a bemused stare, to your Monday morning. Let’s see:

matthew riley macpherson mozilla:  This is evidently the Rule 63 version of Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout.

nudiarist tchec granny:  On the other hand, this doesn’t sound like Sarah at all.

1985 mazda f3a transmission racing upgrade:  The easiest thing to do here is to remove the bodywork and then shove an actual racing car under it.

hott pechar holye whod:  I’ll be sure to remember that at the next prayer breakfast.

tell my regrandings:  Tell them what?

a boy from coventry has become:  One of the few remaining Labour MPs.

stuart oswald a million little pieces:  Wonder if they make more sense than James Frey’s.

mark twain dog pearly gates:  Their arrivals were not greatly exaggerated.

george washington’s axe principle:  If you were wearing Axe aboard the boat crossing the Delaware, Washington would have thrown you overboard.

mazda 626 engine order of valve adjustment:  Start with the first, and continue until they’re all done.

banker ours:  You go right on thinking that, Mrs. Clinton.

4 girls clothes vanish in the library:  Did you look under 391? Or 687?

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (483)

Now that you’ve had your fill of welterweights for a while, here’s the most lightweight blog feature of them all: the weirdest-looking search strings that landed on this particular Web site in the recent past. Won’t cost you a ridiculous sum to observe, either.

if i was kaiser willheims batman:  I’d expect you to give out with a Wilhelm Scream before too long.

rebecca black person of interest mp3 audio song download song lover and full album for rebecca black:  You’re starting to repeat yourself here. So far, there is no “full album” from Rebecca Black. Wait until Friday.

dodie smith proust:  Author of that incredibly long literary classic whose opening section is titled Dalmatian’s Way.

video mesum john peter everly:  Um, that’s “museum.” And probably “Don” and “Phil.”

where have all the hydrocodones gone:  Gone to 12th Street, every one. When will you ever learn?

mercury mystique transmission problems:  Um, this car is at least 15 years old. What were you expecting?

taking a shellacking:  All else being equal, you’d rather be giving a shellacking.

the saddest thing in the whole wide world is almost:  Having to listen to people fight their middle-school wars into their forties and fifties.

calf falsies:  Vegans are fooled at least 10 percent of the time. Thank you, you’ve been very kind. Try the imitation veal.

Real anal virgins between 18 and 20 years of age earn lettuce by:  Beats me. How about the muff endive?

Best PSA Ever:  The one that says you probably don’t have cancer.

Blogosphere backdrop:  Imagine a boot stomping on a cheap keyboard — forever.