Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (572)

Time once again for our weekly plunge into the wacky world of search strings, hoping that at least a few people were looking for Weird Things on the intrawebs. (Not to worry.)

Jane’s Candy Shack was a quaint shop, in a small town, with high end items that never attracted many:  Once the locals found out that Jane was making them out of kale.

Pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month:  Apparently the locals have found out that Pete is making them out of kale.

peed myself on purpose:  You sure it wasn’t the kale?

microsoft cannot verify the license for this product office 2010:  A polite way of saying “You stinking pirate, pay up.”

pretend you’re xyzzy noodle ninja:  Method acting has fallen so far these days.

stan and hilda can mow the lawn:  Fine. As long as I don’t have to.

the cramped quarters migrant boat:  Well, yeah. Most people don’t try to go it alone.

my parents didn steal an elephant by uriah c lasso:  Come to think of it, most parents haven’t stolen elephants. Yet.

is walmart open on christmas eve:  Better that you’re asking now, in January.

yogurt silly putty:  Does poorly at picking up the ink from the Sunday comics.

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  Yeah, same to you, pal.

brandname parts, inc., makes and sells parts for the repair of major appliances. clarice suffers a loss when a defective brandname part in her freezer fails to keep the contents fresh. a statute restricts the time within which clarice may file a product liability suit once she has discovered:  That all her burritos have gone bad.

glyphosate in cheerios:  Brown sugar tastes better, believe me.

fox news shortest skirts:  As long as they’re not on Bill O’Reilly. Or Geraldo.

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Strange search-engine queries (571)

This is not the longest-running feature on the Web. (Heck, it’s not even the longest-running feature on this site.) But after about 11 years of something resembling development, it’s reached its current state of whatever the heck it is. The search strings are real; only the IP addresses are masked to protect the searchers.

is 5’5 short for a guy yahoo answers:  Not for a guy on Y!A, no. They tend to be stunted.

“islurp.biz:”  A good name for a content scraper, anyway.

specto fork:  A short-lived utensil, used when dining on Space Food Sticks.

ban stories, mom’s overindulge deduct apropos:  That’s odd. Mom never overindulged before.

naturism today:  Today it’s 10 degrees. How about tomorrow?

nudist fiction:  Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl, both get naked. Nothing more to it than that.

shoes off at the door:  In nudist fiction, it’s pants off at the door.

tyrant series:  Renewed for another season, alas.

when alice needs to figure out how to host a work party for 100 employees with a modest $100.00 budget, she needs to be innovative and imaginative. in order for alice to host a successful work party she will need to use:  The assistant manager’s MasterCard.

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is about:  Knee-high to a grasshopper.

zoie burgher 12 seconds of ecstacy:  That’s about a minute and a half in dog delight.

according to molly ivins, enjoying your work is important because:  One way or another it’s going to kill you.

angelica is an unpaid homemaker who works as a volunteer at the local red cross and is currently not looking for a paid job. the bureau of labor statistics counts angelica as:  Working, until the new administration comes in and it becomes necessary to fudge the results in the other direction.

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Strange search-engine queries (570)

Not that you need the explanation at this point, inasmuch as we’ve been doing this for over ten years, but if you managed to miss it somehow, it’s like this: lots of traffic arrives here, not because they think I’m so gosh-darn wonderful, but because they’re Looking For Something. (“Everybody’s looking for something.” — Eurythmics) Once in a while, what they’re looking for is off-color, unexpected, or downright weird. And that’s what you’ll see here.

prime jailbait pantyhose pics:  Well, this is 2017, which is a prime number.

unrelated to a black edge glasses camera girls and girlish. it was sex favorite bimbo woman with ample boobs and does not suit a small system delicate! mommy:  Few bimbos, mommies or otherwise, qualify as jailbait.

+let’s hit it in the face with a shovel:  Is that better or worse than stepping on the business end of a rake?

new frontiers in pediatric traumatic brain injury torrent:  If you’re still downloading torrents for stuff that’s for sale, we assume you’re suffering from a brain injury.

how much does a ford:  If you have to ask, you can’t a Ford.

mighty muffler halifax:  Recommended for my old ’66 Chevy Nova Scotia.

average auto insurance rates:  Please submit your name, address, and a copy of your driving record for a quote.

aquafina doesn’t freeze snopes:  Snopes is in southern California. Almost nothing freezes them.

dr. phil former priest pete vs. scorned ex-wife pamela: who is to blame for their son’s death?  Dr. Phil, obviously.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries. the average amount of their winnings will be:  Damn near nothing. You think a surplus store is rolling in dough or something?

can a vanishing twin reappear:  Maybe, if the producers can talk the person playing both roles to work twice as hard.

stomach stapling specialist vienna:  There is no obesity among the Viennese; anyone who gains too much weight is pitched into the Danube.

why is beaver slang for a woman’s private area:  It would be pretty silly to call it a koala.

you thought this would be easier eh?  You kidding? After ten years I can do this in my sleep.

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Strange search-engine queries (569)

On the off-chance that you got a new computer for Christmas and have never seen this before:

Several thousand people visit this site every month. Not all of them do so to bask in my alleged brilliance; many of them are just Looking For Something via Google or Bing or whatever. However, we can see what they’re looking for.

some like it squat:  Far be it from me to block their desires.

charles looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. he immediately feels his heart start to pound and he simultaneously experiences fear. which of the following theories best explains this emotional response?  “WTF am I doing way up here?”

feckful farmeress:  You mean, like the Pioneer Woman? She’s got scads of feck.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  Reince, is that you?

on a given morning, franco sold 40 pairs of shoes for a total of $80 at his shoe store:  I’m guessing these aren’t exactly haute couture.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u. s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  She’s a white progressive.

mira titled i want to be a stewardess:  Which position doesn’t require a title these days.

peed myself on purpose:  This will probably disqualify you from being a stewardess.

tinkerty tonk old fruit and down with the nazis:  You’ll feel better in the morning, Mr Churchill.

lara croft x male reader:  Oh, don’t you wish.

jessica rabbit x male reader lemon:  What, did Lara Croft turn you down?

how much does a ford:  More than you think, now with EcoBoost®.

the strange case of avogadro’s airline flight 6.02 on october the 23rd:  I think you’ll find a mole was responsible.

where the fuck is the g spot:  Start over there at the A spot, and keep moving in one direction.

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Strange search-engine queries (568)

This exercise is actually pretty simple. Everyone who visits this site from a search engine brings along a string of text that represents what is being sought. Some of those strings inevitably are more amusing than others.

“the board will feature”:  No, it won’t. You’re just surrendering to the Hype Machine.

pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month. what could he do to try to improve his net profit?  Use less turmeric.

ivan just spent an evening watching:  I still don’t know where he got the idea that the Boy Scouts awarded a merit badge for stalking.

barry is a young gay man living in grand forks, iowa. barry has been “outed” by some kids in his class. according to research, what is barry likely facing because of this event?  A late-night visit from Ivan.

guy convinces sister shes invisible:  And was paid $20 by Ivan.

by the ______, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:   “Election coverage.”

the fat grackle archive:  A good thing, since grackles have been painfully thin of late.

sir mix-a-lot jackass the movie (original soundtrack) (explicit) genre:  I like bad films and I cannot lie.

which of the following would result in cognitive dissonance? i believe smoking is bad for my health; i love to smoke. i believe exercising is healthy; i love to exercise. i believe dresses are feminine; nicole kidman sometimes wears pants. i believe profanity is childish; my father uses profanity:  Never mind that. How do we get Nicole Kidman out of those pants?

steely dan torture:  For instance, making them do it without the fez on.

crap diem:  Yeah, I think we’ve all had days like that.

does 7 eleven sell lottery tickets:  Along with corn dogs and unleaded gasoline.

where is parella lewis going:  To 7-Eleven. You need any lottery tickets?

what is lolita more likely to experience if she has many daily hassles and chronic stressors in her life?  Pervs like Clare Quilty.

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Strange search-engine queries (567)

Once a week, we dip into the search strings people used to find this site, and we hope we find a dozen or so worth mentioning. (Usually it’s not a problem.)

open season mascots:  The least you could do is tell me the bag limit.

please calp:  The last thing we need around here is a dose of calp.

read the excerpt from anthem, by ayn rand. what disaster took their reason away from men? what whip lashed them to their knees in shame and submission? the worship of the word “we.” in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The denial of the word “I.”

economy in shambles:  Shh. Don’t tell Ayn Rand that, or she’ll write another book.

suppose you own the patent for a new type of keyboard, hence giving you a monopoly over the industry. if you lower the price of the headphone from $150 to $120, then we can conclude that at the new price:  People will buy more headphones and ignore your monopoly keyboard entirely.

mazda premacy common faults:  For instance, owners who desperately search the Net in the hopes of finding free fixes for their cars.

shoes off at the door:  If you time it right, you can be pantless by the time you reach the bathroom.

armenian foot fetish:  Awfully specific of you. See if you can find a picture of a Kardashian in strappy sandals.

brenda johnson has used a preprinted form that she got from the internet to create her will. however, she was unhappy with one section of the will and crossed out the parts she didn’t like and hand wrote the changes she wanted. the changes that she made most likely made her will:  Slightly less readable.

www.slit:  Get two of them in parallel and we can do some quantum experiments.

glass hammer valkyrie:  Very stylish, perhaps not so functional.

driving 208 mph:  Most people never drive 104 mph twice.

+”mediocre ceo”:  Got all of his $2 million bonus in stock options.

since most ethics violations are small and rather insignificant in nature, employees need to understand that addressing these issues is secondary to making profits. ceos may be justified in putting these on the back-burner, waiting for more convenient moments to address them:  Which is how you know they’re mediocre CEOs.

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Strange search-engine queries (566)

If you’re new around here, this is a weekly compendium of search strings that people actually used recently which lead to pages here on this site. If you’re not new around here, well, it’s the same thing, actually.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  The inspiration for her subsequent campaign for Congress.

mr. craven lacks imagination and is a complete conformist. with respect to the big five personality traits, mr. craven probably would score low on which of the following?  Not that it matters, since he’s voting for Mary for Congress.

air biscuits:  Hey, whoever smelt ’em, dealt ’em.

are you hanging on the edge of your seat:  Sssh. I’m trying to pass this air biscuit.

bmw service intervals:  Whenever the car deems it necessary.

barely-melted capacitor:  Not included in your standard BMW service intervals.

if he only wants your breasts legs and thighs send him to kfc lyrics:  Be sure to pick up some Red Bull for wings.

where is parella lewis going:  I’ll ask her when she gets back from KFC.

some of mao zedong’s closest advisors believed that the great leap forward had failed because mao tried to:  Avoid killing everyone.

armenian foot fetish:  Khloe and Kourtney will be glad to hear it.

tammy is taking a college admissions test in math to see if she can enroll in an accelerated math course. she has heard that males tend to perform better on this test than females, although she has no evidence that this statement is true:  And it shouldn’t affect how she performs, anyway.

what’s the phone number:  BEechwood 4-5789.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland areas set aside just for:  Parking as far as the eye can see.

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Strange search-engine queries (565)

As for me, I give thanks that close to 2000 people visit this site every week, and some of them are looking for really weird things, thereby giving me the opportunity to fill up this space.

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  Hair growth on his palms.

dildo mistaken for duck:  Yeah, but what if it was the other way around?

pete’s disappointed with the projections of how much his cupcake cart will make in the first month. what could he do to try to improve his net profit?  Bake some cupcakes in the shape of dildos ducks.

moby negotiates a contract with nora via e-mail. it is reasonable to infer that moby has consented to​:  Something, but you really don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?

your mom tells you to charge a price of 25 cents for each bracelet. since the marginal cost of making a bracelet is also 25 cents, this price will:  Suck.

a shift back to an emphasis on postponed gratification in america would most likely:  Suck.

swiftonsecurity doxxed:  Not a chance. The girl’s very name is “security.”

sears death spiral:  If it carries the Craftsman brand, it has a lifetime warranty.

scott, a young professional, buys a new bmw. scott’s new bmw is an example of:  Douchery.

little douche coupe:  Okay, enough about Scott already.

karl malden nose disease:  Usually diagnosed by visual inspection.

is artillery fungus harmful to humans:  Depends on whether it actually hits them.

lice masters treatment boutique oklahoma city, ok:  Ewwww. Still nicer than artillery fungus, though.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  You’re taking that word “swipe” too literally.

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Strange search-engine queries (564)

Yep, we’re still serving up those search strings from out of the logs, in the hopes of finding something marginally amusing.

vote no for sq 779:  Shouldn’t that be “vote no against SQ 779″?

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:   People who want to see what everyone else in the world has seen.

jailbait naturist:  Hard up for amusement, I see.

jailbait selfie nude:  And with no prospect of improvement in sight.

what’s the phone number:  867-5309. I thought you knew.

the law of demand implies, holding everything else constant, that as the price of yogurt:  Just sits there, I can’t be bothered to go look for a spoon.

mangnanimous:  One should always be generous with one’s mangoes. Or one’s manganese.

the news/talk/information radio format appeals to advertisers looking to target:  People who can’t deal with music anymore.

yuja wang nude dress:  Chances are, she’s dressed right now.

nichols hills dumpster rental alternative:  Buy a house just outside city limits and dump stuff there.

glyphosate in cheerios:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

crunch tanning beds:  It’s enough to make you switch to Honey Bunches of Oats.

toyota prius v devon:  I’m betting on Devon, since there’s only the one Prius.

snow insurance:  Just wait until you see the premium.

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Strange search-engine queries (563)

Just what you needed: another Monday morning, and another traipse through recent search strings. (Not what you needed? Sorry about that.)

Made in Japan Mazda 626 auto transmission:  Some were, some weren’t. And those that were turned out to be no better than those that weren’t.

trent automobiles was expecting a large shipment of metal the previous week. but three weeks later, the shipment still hadn’t arrived. a lot of time was lost and the expenses shot up. this will result in a lack of:  Students actually trying to do their own damn homework.

nishiyama onsen keiunkan price:  If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Isn’t that, like, all of them?

grainy porn:  Obviously you need better Web toys.

fourhourworkweek/tmi:  If you have one of these, believe me, I don’t want to know about it.

indigenous peoples of north america torrent:  Well, you know, there are a lot of them.

drawing conclusions about every woman who leases a car in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who lease a car is called:  Setting yourself up for disappointment when they inexplicably refuse to follow your marketing plan.

two hours from now:  It will be a little past eight and you still won’t be awake.

superheroine trapped:  Oh, she’ll escape. She’s got to be there for the sequel, after all.

diet trim slack companion shapewear:  For those scared off by Spanx.

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:   I think there’s a little more to it than that.

fm receiver 7 little words:  You gave up AM radio for this?

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Strange search-engine queries (562)

Strangely light this morning for some reason. But no matter: it doesn’t take a whole lot of illumination to go through the week’s search strings.

wile e. coyote breakaway mug:  I suggest that pretty much everything Wile E. Coyote is breakaway in some fashion or other.

what is french moss:  One of the varieties that will not collect on a rolling stone.

sarah has just received her driver’s license and is now ready to drive to school. although she’s never driven to her school before, sarah knows the way. the fact that sarah can drive herself to school suggests that:  She wasn’t sleeping on the bus all those years.

lara croft x male reader lemon:  Wouldn’t ship it. Lara has no patience for such.

which best describes the “man” thoreau refers to in the excerpt? he expects others to attend to his needs when he wakes up. he is under constant protection by soldiers. he naps often and is always sleepy. he must have the most up-to-date news at all times:  And tomorrow, said “man” may well be replaced by a woman.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Yeah, good luck with that.

dimeking pesticide rainbow:  Opened for Bad Brains during a brief 2014 tour.

my shadow weighs 42 pounds:  And when you get your shoes shined, you have to take their word, right?

steely dan torture device:  Side Two of Katy Lied.

dundant:  Doesn’t count until it’s dundant twice.

during the two hours before their 7:30 p.m. appointments on wednesday evenings, the operations team had a weekly gripe session during which everyone gleefully unloaded on the powers that controlled their miserable lives. this session was valuable since it:  Was over in two hours, unlike every other corporate meeting.

renee ross sweater expander:  Probably comes in pairs, just like everyone else’s.

how can sports marketers cater to their female fan base without resorting to stereotypes and overgeneralizations?  But take away stereotypes and overgeneralization, and what’s left of sports marketing?

100000 leagues under my nutsack:  Sports marketing at its finest.

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Strange search-engine queries (561)

While ghosts and goblins and such ready themselves for the evening, I’m ready this morning with yet another set of search strings, because that’s just how I roll.

I want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Good luck with that. Probably fewer than 80 percent of grownups on webcam are naked.

naked wood nymphs:  Usually don’t have webcams.

last minute august 2014:  And then suddenly it was September.

two hours from now:  It quit being September quite a while back, actually.

terrell’s science class volunteers at the pet shelter each week and assists with keeping the puppy cages clean. combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  Cultural indoctrination.

there is nothing trendy or hip about fenway. it is npr in an mtv world:  In which case, Wrigley Field is TV Land.

dampnation:  The shortest possible way back from drought.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly. if she succeeds in this and similar endeavors, this will help her to:  Discover new ways to fall flat on her butt.

specto fork error check log:  I’m sure this wasn’t covered in Linux class.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  It’s 37 times 18. Do I get two points?

fatty arbuckle bacon number:  Three, which doesn’t sound like a whole lot of Bacon.

closest albertsons grocery store to me:  And where the hell are you, anyway?

http://www.microsoftshitbrick.com/:  I don’t think you can get a new Vista install anymore.

crossdresser fingering:  Just watch where you put your thumb.

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Strange search-engine queries (560)

Welcome to Monday. Please fasten your seat belt, and prepare yourself from a highly unscientific sampling of actual search strings by which Web surfers actually managed to encounter this very site. (No wagering.)

J has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. While trimming:  I think we’re going to trim this story right here before it gets gory.

home depot jury duty policy:  If someone is killed by a power tool, you’re excused.

don’t you give me no dirty looks:  Has the dog been brought in and the cat put out?

yuja wang upskirt:  Not on your life. For one thing, there’s no room to hide a camera among the pedals.

jaded amaranthus range:  Matching fridge and washer/dryer combo sold separately.

i want to go to jail yahoo answers:  You keep coming up with questions like this and you will.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Annoying, to the surprise of no one.

jenny lawson net worth:  Shut up and give her money. She’s The Bloggess, after all.

a woman, alone in a house, ignores the creaking sounds she hears and experiences no stress. another woman hears the same sounds, suspects an intruder, and becomes alarmed. these different reactions illustrate which of the following?  Almost every TV advertisement for home security systems.

hostile groove fly routine:  We don’t need this hostile groove fly.

take me to steak n shake:  Well, that settles the question of where we’re going to eat.

a beelzebub; he spake as bigly and fiercely as a soaken yeoman at an election feast, this obedient and conducible youth!  Sounds to me like it’s rigged.

phlagm:  Phlegm’s younger brother, seldom seen.

monty python thermostat:  And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou set the temperature to 73. No more. No less. Seventy-three shalt be the number thou shalt set, and the number of the setting shall be 73. Seventy-four shalt thou not set, neither set thou 72, excepting that thou then proceed to 73. Seventy-five is right out.”

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Strange search-engine queries (559)

What makes Monday so special? Well, it’s probably not this recurring feature in which we single out some of the weirder search strings that got this site on people’s screens in recent days.

warren has been struggling to eat healthier but he forgot:  And now, he isn’t even struggling, lucky bastard.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  I suppose it’s better than spending two hours a day on Facebook.

lonely rivers:  That’s why they keep moving, so you can’t see how they feel.

horrid henry gizmo games:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

gop scrambles to salvage election after donald trump’s latest imbroglio:  Hey, at least it’s not Leisure Suit Larry.

street bob for sale shawnee ok:  I had no idea they were bobbing streets in Pottawatomie County.

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  If I could remember that, I’d make it into a password.

brandon, a first-line supervisor at garden toys manufacturing regularly dishes out the verbal abuse to employees, berates, bad-mouthing and embarrassing them in public. this is an example of:  The sort of manufacturing we should have sent to China a long time ago.

renee ross sweater expander:  I’ve never known anyone named Renee who needed expansion, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

what happened to zager and evans:  So very far away. (Maybe it’s only yesterday.)

jane says her cousin is big boned:  It’s an election year. Trust me, we’re all boned.

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:   Not building strip malls all over the damn place.

doctor schmoctor:  Give me the news; I’ve got a bad case of foaming goo.

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times?  That would be the late, unlamented NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.

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Strange search-engine queries (558)

About this, I submit, there can be no debate: a lot of people are looking for a lot of weird things on the World Wide Web. It is the function of this long-running Monday-morning feature to single some of them out.

nylon stockings on sarah palin legs more:  Well, I certainly approve.

it’s me:  You sure about that?

crap diem:  Give us this day our daily fecal matter.

what’s the phone number:  Probably something like 1-800-4-CRAP.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  There’s a lot to be said for keeping your options open.

skintrovert:  Yeah, right. Now put some pants on.

take me to sonic:  You buying?

navigate me to the closest mcdonald’s:  You buying?

while listening to a sociology lecture, you mentally rearrange the ideas being presented, summarize the information, and repeat key points you want to remember. you are considered:  Potentially unemployable.

roger and adair are in an intercultural marriage. they have both agreed to give up certain aspects of their culture, but now adair is starting to resent giving up some of the things she grew up with:  Worse, the sociology student across the street is accusing both of them of cultural appropriation.

accursed crawling cape:  I keep telling you: No capes!

redneck nazgul:  And you thought Trump had no organization.

sherman oaks young chang dealer:  I won’t ask what he deals in.

unbaked lies:  These days, they’re more likely to be half-baked.

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Strange search-engine queries (557)

I’d like to think that the unnamed individuals whose search strings appear here are the same folks who wear the bracelet that says “In case of emergency, delete my browser history.”

super bobrovi film nude:  I’m guessing the one character you most want to see is the occasionally invisible girl.

overlord of flies:  Whew. For a moment there I thought you said “overload” of flies.

delouse plastics corporation pays its executives an excessive amount relative to other employees and to what executives at competitive companies are paid. this is most likely to be challenged as:  A generally DeLousy practice.

whatever happened twitter’s latest tweets:  Twitter says you don’t really want the latest.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  Some idiot going up and down the street with the subwoofers cranked to the max.

google now personalizes everyone’s search:  It could be worse. Suppose Facebook had a search engine.

in 2004, congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 provisions for tax breaks to groups such as restaurant owners, hollywood producers, and nascar track owners. this is an example of:  Business as usual.

soggycardboard rule 34:  Corrugation is not permitted in the common areas.

sing songs company owns 10 percent of the music industry. ten percent represents this company’s:  Responsibility for Miley Cyrus.

submitted by anonymous (not verified) moonbattery:  It doesn’t take that much for moonbattery to be verified.

uncomfortable flats:  About two-thirds the apartment market in these parts.

the lonely stoner frees his mind at night lyrics:  I’d bet there’s something in there about uncomfortable flats.

tweedledum and tweedledee:  And Gary Johnson.

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Strange search-engine queries (556)

There are, amazingly enough, people who visit this site just to hear what I have to say. But there are just as many people who wouldn’t know me from John Jacob Jingleheimer Runcible, who visit this site because they’re Looking For Something. Their efforts make this Monday feature possible.

zippy loan spam:  Is the spam itself zippy, or just the loan?

scorching hot new starlet treasure barbie gets fucked:  And as usual, Ken gets squat.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their:  You know who deserves an apology? The teacher who gave away a specific source, but her students continue to Google for answers.

walmart optical:  A hint at our future Bentonville-centric existence.

taylor swift trouble:  Take a number. You’ll get your chance eventually.

taylor swift foreskin:  Take a scalpel. She’ll get to yours eventually.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics-decorations:  How much of a terror can it be at only 14.5 inches?

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Dropping like flies.

nudist lunch:  And for God’s sake, don’t forget the napkins.

it’s that time of year again, known locally as “pothole season.” each winter, harsh weather, snow plows, and salt on the roads work together to create potholes. now that the snow is melting, this year’s potholes are being revealed:  Which, remarkably, seem to be adjacent to last year’s potholes.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  You have to figure that none of the subjects have been overdoing the bratwurst.

lowest possible resolution:  1 x 1. Good quality, but not much detail.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Pure and simple misapprehension. Reporters do not permit themselves to have doubts when there’s a Sacred Narrative at stake.

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Strange search-engine queries (555)

Monday brings many things: sleepiness, grumpiness, and, for the last decade or so, a collection of search strings that caused this very site to show up on people’s Google/Bing/Whatever searches. (Note: This was done while I was sleepy and/or grumpy.)

626 rear wheel:  Be careful. They usually travel in pairs.

grassrootsmotorsports soccer moms revenge:  Jack Baruth swears he wasn’t there at the time.

unlikeable: the problem with hillary:  If that were all, then it wouldn’t be a problem.

in a televised “social experiment” by the local television network, 12 people — 6 white and 6 african american — were asked to live together for one week. they varied in their level of prejudice; however, those with low levels of prejudice became less prejudiced, while those with high levels became more:  Likely to get their own reality TV shows.

evisceration plague tab:  Available now as a Chrome extension.

bmw sos malfunction:  Supersedes the too-often-seen SOL malfunction.

singler:  But not as single as “singlest.”

shedshed:  Who is this really? Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson?

aaa travel guides free blog roll 2003:  You have to figure that they wouldn’t be worth much after 13 years.

although it is certainly an unusual source of data for researchers, some have looked at playboy centerfolds and miss america beauty pageant contestants. how is this research relevant to eating disorders?  It keeps the researchers focused, and out of the kitchen hunting for snacks.

obama ineligible:  You should have come up with this long, long before.

is pure nudism illegal:  Check your local laws. (Because they’ll happily check you.)

5 day deodorant pads history:  Doesn’t really get interesting until about halfway through day 3.

what kind of shoes does ray donovan wear:  Yours. And don’t think you can stop him, either.

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Strange search-engine queries (554)

A couple of thousand people wander through here every week. Some are regulars, but more are simply passing through in search of various things. (“Everybody’s looking for something” — Eurythmics) The latter provide the material for this weekly feature.

staying sharp 13.1 answers:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be sharp.

paul peddler wants to purchase a bicycle costing $775. if he chooses to make 12 equal payments, then in dollars and cents the average payment will be:  If we just give you the answers, you never will be able to buy your own damn bicycle.

what does 666 really mean yahoo answers:  I’ve always suspected that Beelzebub was trolling the place.

del gato clinic deposits all cash receipts on the day they are received and it makes all cash payments by check:  And then there’s the 98 percent of business that is filtered through insurance companies.

setterade:  The first sports drink for sporting dogs.

anon-v com/videos/93950/was-i-in-your-ass-i-think-so/:  I think we can safely assume that you’re not actually looking for a permanent relationship.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u.s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  It doesn’t matter, unless Dorothy is white.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:   #ThievesLivesMatter

fred flintstone is single and earns $40,000 in taxable income. he uses the following tax rate schedule to calculate the taxes he owes:  Excise tax on automotive brake pads: $0.00.

texas asshole massacre:  Obviously they never finished.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  Greek statues, I assume.

romantic soles:  This is what you claim to have when you disclose that you can’t afford Louboutins.

ghostbusters fail:  It is not relevant, however, that these women have no dick.

will blog for food:  Hope you’re not counting on dessert.

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Strange search-engine queries (553)

For today’s perfunctory labor, we’ll go through the logs and see if we can find anything remotely amusing in the search strings.

jailbait in pantyhose pics:  Well, that isn’t remotely amusing.

appointment definition:  If you have to ask, you should have seen the doctor many years ago.

life spice vital:  No Dune jokes, please.

the locations of the two caps at equilibrium are now as given in this figure. (figure 4) the dashed line represents the level of the water in the left arm. what is the mass of the water located in the right arm between the dashed line and the right cap?  This is what happens when you spend your time making up Dune jokes instead of doing your homework.

i cheated on my boyfriend with my ex yahoo answers:  Yeah, that fits the demographic.

how do i know if the baby is mine yahoo answers:  As does that.

nudist realtor:  No jokes about closing costs, please.

how to age concrete statues with yogurt:  I suspect this is a messy process.

to yell the truth:  If they ever update that game show, they’ll have to pump up the volume.

infosec taylor swift identity:  Until I have some reason to think otherwise, I will assume it’s Taylor Swift.

spell toilet:  It’s the one that’s always overflowing and nobody ever knows why.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:   Which of course they won’t read, because they’re spammers and therefore have neither technical skills nor anything resembling morals.

eva marie couldn’t “dress up” this unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on wwe smackdown live!  Hard up for wank material, are you?

by the decade of the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  Which made them overqualified for political office in 2016.

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Strange search-engine queries (552)

For the last few weeks — okay, the last ten years — we’ve been analyzing the search strings that led Web surfers to this domain, and posting the ones we deemed funny or inexplicable or downright weird.

helpappledevice@gmail.com:  Like Apple is gonna keep a Google account for support. You have been suckered.

which answer best describes the verb tenses in the sentence? while my dad brings the car around, i waited with the grocery cart. a. the verb tenses shift. b. the verb tenses are consistent:  What is consistent is your inability to put the cart back in the rack when you’re through.

aaa travel guide to las vegas blog roll 2003:  I should warn you that all the coupons have expired.

goose boobs:  Hey, take a gander at these!

when miriam noticed that a group of asian women in the cafeteria had an increased loudness or pitch to their speech, she assumed that they must be arguing. which of the following is she demonstrating?  Utter fealty to the patriarchy. As everyone knows, women are never loud or shrill.

eric cartman x male reader:  Not a ship I want to see launched.

burp collaborator server:  Provides four times the throughput for a given gas bubble.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  Including, for instance, the infamous burp collaborator server.

too much metamucil:  But … but fiber!

granny in stilettos:  She knows that the legs are the last to go.

sitwell and whippet:  The sight of granny in stilettos can be strangely, um, stimulating.

quoth the server 404:  Lenore’s been busy working on the backend, I see.

in jeff savage’s book on the 2005 number one pick for the nhl draft, what is the title of the second chapter beginning on page 10?  I’m thinking we can safely assume that you’re too late to enter this contest.

purple haze rule 34:  ‘Scuse me, while I kiss whoever or whatever shows up in the next 15 seconds.

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Strange search-engine queries (551)

Surely by now you’ve seen this before: we look at the search strings attached to various visits — yes, Virginia, your browser sends such things, although Google tends to encrypt them — and pick a few to mock on Monday morning.

open season mascots:  That explains the guys in costume running all over the place.

sofia still lives at home, but helps with the rent paying $200 per month. she has a job that pays about $700 per month after taxes. she has to pay for her own personal items such as clothing and toiletries spending about $120 per month. going out with friends is important to her, but she also wants:  A brand-new Mini Cooper, because they’re just so gosh-darn cute.

joanna plans on hanging 3 pictures of different sizes on the wall of her staircase. she thinks it will look best if all 3 rectangular pictures are similar. the two sizes she has already are 25 in. by 35 in.and 35 in. by 49 in. which of the following is a possible size of the third picture?  Sofia used to search these things instead of doing her homework, which is why she makes only $700 a month.

during a long drive tony counted:  But sadly, he didn’t count for much.

how to hack somebodys tinder:  I hope someone swipes you off the face of the earth.

“bandwidth” -“amd” -“ghz” -“$” -“gpu”:  Sorry, your ping still sucks.

at sanger’s auto garage, 40% of the cars brought in for service need an oil change. of the cars that need oil changes, 30% also need a tire rotation. find the probability that a car that comes into the auto garage needs both an oil change and a tire rotation:  All of them. Sanger has a boat payment due.

my life is ruined yahoo answers:  Yep. That’ll do it every time.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire store has a 10-day warranty.

ex-yankee milf ~pounding the hell out of friend’s mom~:  Doesn’t sound like Jeter.

conjoined fanfiction:  Too many characters.

obama ineligible:  After 2016, anyway.

i want to book a hotel at universal orlando 10 april for one night plus two day park tickets:  Um, you’re doing it wrong.

drip advisor:  Is this pre- or post-nasal?

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Strange search-engine queries (550)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t, well, basically we’re going through the search strings that bring people to this site, and puzzling over some of them. Nothing more complicated than that.

foreskin puns:  Sorry, no tipping allowed.

ave maria waterpark and university within minutes of amreican discount pharmacy:  And they say convenience is dying.

“roto rooter” “slut”:  She’s busy having her lines run.

“feckful barged:”  I hate it when people barge in fecklessly.

first time naturists:  Easy to spot: typically, they’re the color of a bathroom sink in a pediatrician’s office.

used laredo fifth wheels for sale russellville ar:  The mind boggles that someone might have more than one.

dampnation:  Appropriate cuss word for when there’s 18 inches of rain.

michel thayer novel no verbs:  Because you know he’s all about those nouns — no actions.

knuckleheads san antonio:  Hey, that’s no way to talk about the Spurs.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to suck balls:  I think you have to have the Bonus Cartridge for that.

stardust rod animus:  Not to be confused with the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

granny in stilettos:  Hey, if she can walk in the darn things, more power to her.

whigged out:  That’s what they said when Zachary Taylor died in 1850.

too much metamucil:  And then there are those who never Metamucil they didn’t like.

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Strange search-engine queries (549)

It’s time once more to take a peek at the search strings, stacked up like so much digital cordwood in the corner of the server room, and see what it is that people are wanting to find out about.

“Posterior Cortical Atrophy”:  Should be on the bottom of your list of Favorite Diseases.

shrinking paper:  Something government agencies can simply not do.

extended weather forecast for ketchikan alaska:  Wicked cold for a while, and then not so much.

woot beer:  It’s a different brew every day.

a town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. the new road is wider, has smooth pavement, and flowering bushes have been planted along the roadside. compared to the road south of town, the new road gets very little use. this is because many of the residents work in:  One big brutalist building in the middle of town.

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  Is it just me, or does this seem sort of contradictory?

russell westbrook crossdresser:  You mock the way he dresses, and he will be cross. Count on it.

stacy is a director of a senior center. every week she leads a group where the elders discuss past activities and experiences. the members of the group are encouraged to share anecdotes, old pictures, and other family memorabilia that remind them of significant events in their past. stacy’s group is:  Not long for this world.

soggy cardboard rule 34:  Um, whatever floats your boat, though I guess that wouldn’t, would it?

oxpecker tupa:  Not the original name of Florida Georgia Line.

dongbats:  Past tense of “dingbats.” I hope.

naked bounce house:  Well, you could, I suppose, though you’ll want to go heavy on the Lysol before they come and pick it up.

cynthia tells daryl that she will deliver:  And Daryl, like a fool, believes her.

foreskin tumblr:  I hope they don’t have Infinite Scroll turned on.

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Strange search-engine queries (548)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you haven’t seen this before, well, this is a collection of search strings that in recent days produced actual search results from this site. What we don’t explain, of course, is why.

bill clinton penis size 5.5:  Um, more than a mouthful is wasted. Or something like that.

overlord of flies:  With my luck, it’s probably a mosquito carrying some disease.

moosejaw bus tours in nebraska:  Isn’t Moose Jaw in, like, Saskatchewan?

“expect more payless” “upskirt”:  And I thought I was bored.

a songwriter gets paid monthly at a rate of $150 for each song he completes. last month, he wrote 8 songs and got halfway through a 9th song. how much money was he paid last month?  $1200 for the songs he finished, plus 42 cents for streaming on Spotify.

superior potassium:  This K is definitely OK.

400 lb woman manatee snopes:  Oh, the huge manatee!

cynthia tells darryl that she will deliver his boxes of paradise cookies as he directs. a declaration that one will do something in the future is part of the definition of:  Political promises. Darryl’s cookies are going nowhere.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  You can see 40 seconds of the Super Bowl, but not during actual play.

“cheezit” “joint venture”:  I just wonder where the division of labor occurs.

taylor has had two experiences with two christian-based institutions: the oral roberts university infomercial and jesus is lord used tires. these two institutions are different because:  The tire shop charged something close to market price.

what happens when you bite your tongue:  The rest of us are grateful.

mr. craven lacks imagination and is a complete conformist. with respect to the big five personality traits, mr. craven probably would score low on which of the following?  The hell with that. How do we get him on the Supreme Court?

a horrible experience of unbearable length:  But enough about the 2016 election.

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Strange search-engine queries (547)

People wander into this site from all over the place, and chances are they’re looking for something. And some of those somethings will make you shake your head.

rebecca black 19th birthday:  That was last month. And not on a Friday, either.

expired pamprin:  Still better than PMS. Take it.

feminism future:  Imagine half the world with bottles of expired Pamprin.

after hurricane katrina, cindy was found walking by the roadside. she could not remember how she got to this place. according to freud, the details of her experiences in the hurricane have been:  Brainwashed away.

/index.php/services unbeautiful:  I don’t recall that particular setting in b2evolution.

how to turn off fpa lock on rca tv:  You’d figure by now the kids would have learned how to reset parental controls.

eccentricrich:  If they’re not rich, they’re merely weirdos.

disney™ frozen sisters forever soft sided rolling luggage:  Hold on to it. You don’t want to know what happens when you let it go.

black men white women sex:  Really, Mr Duke, you’re beating a dead horse.

etcetera etcetera etcetera:  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

unbaked lies:  Bake to an internal temperature of 165° before swallowing.

diaper sex tumblr:  Imagine Yahoo! paying a billion dollars to own stuff like that.

oversized male genitalia disorder:  I dunno. It sounds pretty orderly to me.

gypsy chickens:  It’s none of your damned business why they crossed the road.

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Strange search-engine queries (546)

We’re back, now with 20 percent less sickness!

pebkac earliest:  The moment there existed both keyboards and chairs, there existed the possibility of a problem between them.

mikes meadows science -2016 -2015 -2014 -2013 -2012 -2011 -2010 -2009 -2008 -2007 -2006:  So you’re saying you really want 2005?

kid gets caught jacking off in class viddy:  “Viddy”? What’s with the nadsat, chelloveck?

máster and (“negocio digital” or “negocio digital” or sem or “campañas adwords” or “google adwords” or “google analytics” or mobile or “mobile analytics” or “big data” or “analitica web” or analytics):  There’s gotta be a password around here somewhere.

milfs smoking:  Your mom would not approve. Believe me, I’ve asked her.

burned esophagus:  It happens when they smoke.

erin looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. she immediately feels her heart start to pound and simultaneously experiences fear. the theory that best explains this emotional response is:  The desire not to be flattened like an IHOP short stack.

kobe bryant defense:  Send in Jeremy Lin.

life is like that:  It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it.

cuttlefish of cthulhu:  It’s bait, Jim, but not as we know it.

how thick is earth:  Considering the number of people who think it ought to be controlled by ISIS, it must be very thick indeed.

reckful blue boobs:  Actually, that sounds pretty reckless to me.

i revel in being referred to as the grand patriarch! (elevate your hands skyward if your claims of being a lothario are verifiable.)  Please sit down and take your Xanax, Mr. Trump.

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Strange search-engine queries (545)

You know the drill: someone looked for it, and we made note of it here.

mazda SLI 16 valve engine pictures:  Not sure if motor porn or desperate DIYer.

black male model with huge penis in locker room:  Probably not a desperate DIYer.

apple store penn square mall make appointment:  Call the Genius Bar, genius.

is hercules on the commodore 64 supposed to:  Due to memory limitations, he can muck out only one stable at a time.

used oldsmobile alero wright county minnesota:  Well, there certainly won’t be any new ones.

frolicme mr big:  Still hasn’t displaced “Rock Me, Amadeus.”

sprained ankle fetish:  I guess it would be harder for them to get away.

assholism definition:  If you need a definition, well, guess what?

sarah is testing how quickly saltwater freezes. she adds saltwater to one ice tray and plain water to another ice tray. she places each tray in the freezer and records the time when each one starts to freeze:  Meanwhile, her car has been low on coolant for 5,000 miles.

monothelitic dumbhead:  Opened for Finger Eleven back when F11 was still called “Rainbow Butt Monkeys.”

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Strange search-engine queries (544)

Am I too sick to do this? Let’s find out:

milfs for christmas”:  Well, it is July already.

welcome to stepford:  It’s like MILFs for Christmas!

“second life” “meghan’s” shemales:  A third life for some, perhaps.

ac burden benadryl:  Yeah, I just bet you do.

best smooth jazz radio station for commuting st paul mn:  I can’t imagine there being a second best.

as a testament to how bad smoking is, _____ of current smokers would like to quit:  All of them, once they find out they have to come up with the entire government budget.

garage di pasquali homecourt:  Yeah? Beat the Spurs first.

zero web hosting:  Buy it for someone you love.

“administer”:  Not the sequel to Yes, Minister.

pop tarts 2004:  Oh, criminy, throw those suckers away.

ricky the carnivorous pony:  I wouldn’t wish twelve-year-old Pop Tarts on that nag.

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Strange search-engine queries (543)

Once more, we pop the lid off last week’s visitors and try to figure out just what the heck they were looking for.

cooties übersetzung:  Cooties are like, well, cooties, man.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  $2000 new “customer cash” on Chevy Silverado.

mississippi goddam chords:  Read the farging sheet music.

bulldog smasher:  It’s not enough to smash pumpkins anymore.

which of the following best summarizes the main idea of this paragraph? most people steal money if it is left in an open basket. few people steal money from plywood boxes with slots in the top. most people are honest enough not to commit major theft. few people are aware when they commit crimes:  Too many people think they can finish their homework by Googling the exercise questions.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  For instance, this one.

what is a primary source:  Hint: you’re not looking at one.

how siri ios rich voip mayo:  Siri might put up with that, but Cortana would kick your ass just for thinking it.

ghostbusters fail:  Well, that explains the dogs and cats living together.

brother jukebox sister wine:  And the second cousin winds up busing tables.

fingering doesnt work:  Perhaps you’re doing it wrong.

atomic groove girlz nite out, pt.1 happy hour, april 22:  I’d say there’s a reasonable possibility that someone was fingered.

i’m a loser yahoo answers:  One among thousands.

doel 3 tihange 2:  Walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth.

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