Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (398)

Just another manic Monday, and just another panic-filled list of actual search strings from the past week or so. Pour your coffee first. This will wait.

Will a epson artitian 800 print us curency:  Not legally, no. And if you spell like that, they’ll laugh you all the way to the Big House.

heartless society:  Not here. Now if you were looking for a brainless society, all you need is a television and a few hours to kill.

lexus rx late led head light drl previous period of pre-diversion:  This must be that post-modern lamp display I keep hearing about.

How long should I wait to purchase 24 hr sudafed if I have reached my monthly limit in tulsa oklahoma:  Until the first of the month. Duh.

We are not exposed to proper music:  Have you tried 104.5 KRXO?

can’t receive 104.5 krxo:  You must be from way out of town — like, say, Harrah.

my 2001 contour switches gears on its.own at wrong speeds:  Would you rather it didn’t switch gears at all?

word salad dressing:  The chef recommends a light but satisfying vignette.

your younger brother just started using computers. he is trying to create a directory in windows 7 named lpt1 but windows does not allow him to. this:  is obviously not my younger brother, who would have shot the machine for its insolence.

Search kgb’s extensive database of human-researched answers sex aides like viagra etc:  Call NSA. By now they’ve copied every database on the planet.

what is hegemonic distortion:  If you have to ask, you must be one of the oppressors.

pantyhoseonyoutube:  Not a good idea. The picture’s blurry enough already.

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Strange search-engine queries (397)

It’s an all-automotive edition of SSEQ, what with a large number of people asking a stupid number of questions — or maybe it’s a number of stupid questions. Oh, well, we’ll figure it out in the editing pass.

what are the signs of a bad transmission in a mazda 626:  If you have to ask, you might as well get out the checkbook.

2002 mazda 626 overdrive light is flashing:  Have you ever, in fact, changed the fluid?

how often do you change the transmission fluid in a mazda 626:  If the overdrive light is flashing, it’s already too late.

1996 mazda 626 transmission has how many gears?  Assuming you have the automatic, there are four, unless you forgot to change the fluid, in which case there might be one. (If you have the stick shift, you have five, which is printed on top of the shift knob.)

what tranny oil does a 1996 626 use?  It’s too late for that, Bunky.

1997 mazda 626 wheel size:  Well, at least you didn’t say “rim.”

1997 mazda 626 stock tire size:  Did it not occur to you that there may have been more than one?

could a dirty filter cause mazda 626 hold light to blink:  How would you know it’s dirty? I’d lay odds you’ve never even seen the filter.

fix mazda jerky shift:  Hint: Don’t try to clean the filter.

why would a mazda have a fird transmission:  That’s a “Ford” transmission. Or, at least, some other four-letter word starting with F.

And, just to get away from this brand for a moment:

what happens when you cross the cables on your 1994 ford probe gt:  Apart from frying your entire electrical system, not much at all.

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Strange search-engine queries (396)

Supposedly, this is the end of summer, though most of the kids are back in school already and the equinox is still almost three weeks away. Change is in the air — except here, where we have yet another batch of odd search strings.

this is not a usual occurrence:  Oh, sure it is. Three hundred ninety-six of these. That’s pretty darn usual.

micrometer gdansk:  Your friends don’t Gdansk and if they don’t Gdansk then they’re no friends of mine.

Where did the ethnic Chubbo migrated from:  From behind the Taco Bell on Route 13.

why does my throttle body have two cables on a 1991 Mazda 626 lx:  Why doncha pull one off and see what happens, Chubbo?

100000 leagues under my nutsack wiki:  Arguably, the scariest word of the lot is “wiki.”

art garfunkel “mean meat”:  Which makes Paul Simon the vexed veggie, I suppose.

“the song” “abortion”:  Available for a limited time, and void where prohibited by law.

what words are no longer modern:  Fain would we tell thee, sirrah, but we’re busy twerking over here.

while wild in wood the noble savage ran:  At least he didn’t twerk.

We at the Internal Revenue Service would like to inform you that you have qualified for 2013 subsidy benefit. Simply reply to this secure message with the following details:  Which will then be pasted into the definition of “gullible” at

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Strange search-engine queries (395)

What kind of Monday would it be were it not for this weekly excursion into ever nook and cranny of the system logs? (Answer: It’s Monday. Don’t push your luck.)

In 1936 Gov. Ernest W. Marland declared martial law around the state capitol in a dispute with Oklahoma City officials over drilling on state property:  
Oklahoma City officials in a dispute? How is that even possible?

Mazda 626 GD struts compatability:  Truth be told, I don’t think there’s anything actually compatible with those GD struts.

vevrier:  You kidding? I hardly know ‘er.

maria bartiromo pantyhose:  You kidding? I hardly know ‘er.

my ankle:  How does it look compared to, say, Maria Bartiromo’s?

gruesome police photos of Bill’s accident:  Oh, come on. Have a little respect for Bill.

“phil mcgraw’s penis”:  Oh, come on. Have a little respect for Phil.

bugatti relation to fitzsimmons:  For one thing, VW Group doesn’t own Fitzsimmons.

how do i know if transmission lock up system mulfunctions:  First, ask yourself: Is our car moving?

this package is sold by weight not by volume:  Which is why there isn’t a song by the Band called “The Volume.”

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Strange search-engine queries (394)

And how is your Monday going? Perhaps these finds from the search log will help — or perhaps not, being as how it’s a Monday and all.

www.real a:  I’ve known one or two people who could be described as a real A.

half past midnight Missouri:  Ten-thirty Pacific.

the fab four vs the drab four:  You’ll notice that the Fat Boys were never called the Flab Four. (Then again, there were only three of them.)

Since I am a frequent flightier:  I couldn’t care less about the TSA.

Wanker, Secretly Gay, Prima Donna, Racist, Herpes, Alcoholic, Compulsive Liar, Gambling Addict, Thug, Tatooed Thug, Galoot:  Well, that pretty much covers the entirety of Parliament, I’d say.

closet communist post-menopausal hag:  Probably teaching Gender Studies at Generic State U., even as we speak.

girl who has read up on her syntax:  Would love me even less.

write a intructions to make an antidote for the majic potion:  But first, read up on your syntax.

“lyrics” “sausalito is the place to be”:  “Bay living is the life for me / Green spreading out both far and near / Keep Budweiser, just gimme imported beer.”

no is required either:  (1) Should I stay or (2) should I go?

“kings of industry”:  More like the queen. Or the jack. Or the ten of diamonds.

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Strange search-engine queries (393)

Time once more for another dip into the fetid pool of log data, hoping something funny, or at least snarkable, will float to the top.

can a bad censor cause the indacation light to come on alot:  A really bad censor would strike words like “indacation.”

lesley gore sometimes featuring the brothers johnson:  And sometimes not. (Historically, she has not had a great deal of use for johnsons.)

What percentage of mazdas have automatic transmissions?  Most of them, MX-5/Miatas excepted. Why do you ask?

is a mazda 626 16 valve engine a 4 cylinder?  I’d like to see you try to get 16 valves into, or out of, a V-6.

chrysler aspen vents smell like urine:  Well, it’s probably not the valves.

fifty first take of a miracle:  It’s like making a movie, only with fewer witnesses on set.

we built this city on basketball and kings:  Well, that lets out Sheboygan.

this time they were right:  Does this make up for all the times they were wrong?

what’s with the screaming round thing meme:  Even those without mouths occasionally must scream.

ryan braum penis size:  You know that round thing meme? He makes it scream.

boys permanently femmed:  And yet the girls still spurn them.

stilettos and stockings:  Permanently femmed boys should remember to order the appropriate women’s size.

flickr old layout:  Really most insincerely dead.

death to left lane bandits:  Now that seems sincere.

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Strange search-engine queries (392)

Once more, we descend into the little room where the logs are stored and glance at the thousands of almost-identical lines, hoping something amusing in the form of a search string will jump up and catch our eye. It works a lot better than you might think it would.

he is neither a dentist nor a certified asbestos remover, neither the next rebirth of Dalai Lama:  In fact, there’s a chance he’s not even a he, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

was conway twitty on the plane with ritchie valens:  It’s only make-believe.

how many of the b53 turbine blades have been replaced by siemens:  Evidently not enough.

why isn’t nomorobo available yet?  They ran out of turbine blades.

What is a good screw funny:  Torx. You never have a driver for them, and you wind up trying to wedge an Allen wrench in there.

the word citizen is no longer used?  You’re thinking of Seattle. Other words no longer used there: “brown bag,” “viaduct,” “Sonics.”

Crown Victoria parking brake warning light on in a minute lyrics:  See what I mean? The people have had enough of silly love songs.

are the bay city rollers insulted by tartan horde songs:  Only if they’re silly.

does a white car or silver car stay cooler:  This being August, the answer is No.

kingsmen vegetables:  Just don’t go showing everyone your louie, Louie.

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Meanwhile in the search logs

I seldom find something quite this weird in my own search logs:

More than a dozen people came to this blog in October looking for this phrase:

“like imaginary-geraldo, who lost one leg playing ‘the floor is made of lava’ and who likes to dress up your cats as movie stars when you’re not home.”

Kind of sweet, in a sick and twisted way.

(Sent my way via Jennifer.)

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Strange search-engine queries (391)

And then there are the things that must appear on schedule.

emotional damage to men from involuntary celibacy:  So more than just balls are blue?

fiona xie boyfriend current boyfriend:  Perhaps doesn’t suffer emotional damage.

random pickup slut video:  Okay, now you’re just asking for emotional damage.

85yrs.old granny and still having sex:  Probably not a random pickup slut, either.

should a 61 year old diabetic unemployed for 1 year go for interview at for off distance of 226 miles without getting gas expense or he is better off waiting for:  Waiting for the federal death panel to declare him superfluous, which might save 10 gallons of fuel.

words no longer in use:  But if I told you, they’d be in use again.

just stand me outside:  Why, are you no longer in use?

I’m plotting on 811:  That’s quite a plot.

is dementia from unrepented sins:  Now that question is above my pay grade.

new twinkies poor imitation:  This is why you have a two-year supply in storage, right?

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Strange search-engine queries (390)

We of course apologize for the overwrought post title. This weekly feature gives you, or me anyway, a look into the logs to see who’s looking for what. It will not, alas, explain why.

groin elevator:  Pest control, of course, is an absolute must.

“White Sox 4, Yankees 0″:  Hey, it could happen. It’s the Chicago Way, after all.

what is french moss?  It’s that stuff that wouldn’t grow on the Rolling Stones when they first became British tax exiles.

latest sunrise ever:  Tomorrow. No, wait, the day after tomorrow. (And so on, and so on, and scooby-dooby-doo.)

where is 34th and vine located:  Sorry, you’ll have to order your illicit love potions online.

suppose you have drunk some magic potion and become invisible for one day. write instructions for making an antidote for this magic potion so that you can reverse the action and become visible within an:  Hour of taking a cab to 34th and Vine and discovering nothing there.

mary and daryl are new to the sport of rock climbing mary says she wants a stiff rope because a stiff rope is strong rope.daryl insists that a good climbin:  is what Mary really needs, and offers her a stiff drink, which is a strong drink.

sbt. japan reversing odometer readings:  Sorry, fanboy, no matter what you put on the manifest, Customs will not let you import that beat-up old Skyline you’ve been dreaming about.

www.momshavingsexwithkids:  What do you care if Mom shaves or not?

she wasn’t looking so I:  Borrowed her razor.

mackenzie powerball:  Possible name for Kanye and Kim’s next baby.

man dies from single punch in mansfield:  Mental note: Do not get punched there.

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Strange search-engine queries (389)

Oh, if you’ve forgotten 389, it was the size (in cubic inches) of the Pontiac V-8 described in “Little G.T.O.” by Ronny and the Daytonas. Said Pon-Pon was also equipped with three deuces and a four-speed. In the meantime, here’s this week’s trunkful of search strings:

You have received a new endorsement from elder parodi. Click here to see it! Your endorsements will appear on your profile after:  the seas begin to boil and the sunlight becomes unbearable. Or September, whichever comes first.

paywall “”:  Which you can avoid by having them drop the printed version somewhere in the vicinity of your driveway every morning.

welcome to teen porno pass mm berks area:  Oh, don’t you just wish.

“oklahoma county clerk” horrible:  Can’t tell if irritated by fees for document reproduction, or if turned down for a date.

seduceth means:  Thou art being led into a false sense of security by yon County Clerk.

what usually goes out after transmission mazda tribute:  Any hope of a family vacation that year.

monkey see money do one hears no evil one sees no evil one does no evil the other does them all stoopid monkey need to go to monkey ward get edumacated:  Get your hands off the phrasebook, you damn dirty ape.

why can’t i find the killing of a person by frank gann in sallisaw oklahoma in 1968:  Um, hello, McFly, nineteen sixty-eight? How much stuff do you think was being put up on the Web twenty-five years before it was opened to the public?

How sure am i that the foetus will not reform after taking arthrotec and after the abortion blood has stop flowing:  Obviously, not very.

bacon helper:  Bacon needs no help.

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Strange search-engine queries (388)

Did I get four days off? Of course not. Did I spend four days looking through the logs, trying to find enough search strings for you guys this Monday morning? Well, um, no, not really.

to get past “alice” reverse one of your items and insert the roman numerals for 1001, 51, and 11 into it to make your two word phrase:  Even more baffling than the Konami Code.

sms scam 2005 rita grower:  Actually, I hear Rita’s a shower, not a grower.

“jack webb” “you’re my girl”:  Whatever floats your boat, hotshot, but Joe Friday doesn’t get down that way.

Pictures of the Pearly Gates with pet door:  Actually, they get the main entrance; it’s the humans who have to crawl their way to the back porch.

allintext: Martin Luther King had the fantastic replica watches uk to do away with the racial discrimination and segregation for your black. How about you and how about me? I’d like to tell you my replica:  You know, if there really was something on your wrist that could expunge the stench of racism forever, there are people who’d move mountains to cut off your arm. Isn’t that right, Reverend Al?

tweetdeck stop working:  Just wait a few minutes and it will quit on its own.

everything see me:  So either go inside, or put on some pants.

video for loading struts jar files in my ellipse:  I have no idea what you’re talking about, so please either go inside or put on some pants.

Unhashed feet:  Well, I should certainly hope so.

“she wears a size 10 shoe”:  Leaving no room for hash.

is fluttershy supposed to sound like marilyn monroe:  Well, no, not specifically, but she shouldn’t ever sound like that guy from Crash Test Dummies either.

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Strange search-engine queries (387)

You’d think the people would have had enough of silly search strings, but I look at my Monday visitor stats, and I see it isn’t so.

“we built this city on basketball:”  If you’re talking Detroit, you need help. Fast. Like before next season.

vs bra haul:  I guess this would be useful if you have one of those mileage-at-any-cost vehicles with a towing capacity of 42 lb.

invisible woman lover:  On the upside, she’d be pretty easy to sneak past the doorman.

susanna hoffs genetics:  Judging by the looks of her, she had some of the best.

wandering eyes solution:  Paste pictures of Susanna Hoffs to the inside of your contact lenses.

real usable brave little toaster that toasts bread:  And, in a pinch, can rescue danish in distress.

chevrolet warrenty homophobic:  More propaganda from the people carrying those “GOD HATES FORDS” signs.

wet pussy driving car:  Okay, who dunked Toonces in the koi pond?

kickass proxy ann breen not my mother’s pearls:  If you work with networks for any extended period, you learn that no proxy is truly kickass.

ralph nader auto ventilation:  Nader owns no car, so keeping one ventilated is not an issue — at least, not personally.

beware the righteous man:  Especially if he owns no car.

It’s A Disaster itunes:  Another happy 11.0 user.

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Strange search-engine queries (386)

And here we are on another Monday, with another collection of search strings pulled from site history. It is not known at this time whether the NSA has seen them or not.

why do some mazda 626′s have 15″ tires and some have 16″?  Does all your family wear the same shoe size?

jayne mansfield toes:  I’m pretty sure she had ‘em.

angie dickinson tights:  I’m pretty sure she had ‘em.

words that no longer offend:  Fat chance. The trend is to more and more offense from the same number of words.

runaway534 yahoo:  Probably a former telecommuter who was ordered back to work by the new CEO.

sexy new mexico babes:  So you’re the guy who made that left turn at Albuquerque.

What do u mean transmission gear incorrect demio automatic:  Prepare yourself to write a largish check.

will changing infiniti qx56 to qx80 cause price drop for the qx56:  They could call it QX4 and you still wouldn’t be able to afford it.

amish spurn:  Technically, Amish shun.

my little pony equestria girls stream free:  Hey, if I’d found one of those I wouldn’t have had time to write this up.

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Strange search-engine queries (385)

This is the time of the week when we dance our way through the logs and kick up anything weird that anyone was actually looking for. As the number suggests, we’ve done this several times before.

what is the different between the jatco 4 speed and the ford 4 speed transmission:  Enough to keep you from trying to swap one for the other.

i won’t fly anymore:  Pretty soon, the government will have to force you to fly so that the TSA can get its Recommended Daily Allowance of jollies.

can a monophonic recorded song be played back in stereo:  You can even play it back on Dolby 5.1. Still only one track of information.

methylvania:  Just north of Scaryland.

In OKC what is the dividing line between North and South numbered streets:  Sheridan Avenue. Which is maybe three miles long in a city that sprawls twenty by thirty.

sock and jocks:  You should probably wear both, though most people require two socks and at most one jock.

comment on men with wandering eyes:  So, all of them, then?

price of skyy vodka on lawton ok army base:  Um, you are 21, aren’t you?

i am sexually attracted to ponies:  This admission will not get you many dates with bipeds.

Pamela is the owner of a rare manuscript which Delilah would dearly love to have. Delilah writes a letter saying that she will pay Pamela $5000 for the manuscript if Pamela has its authenticity verified and:  Promises never to mention that Delilah had this horrible crush on Thunderlane.

little pony iphone dust cap dangling:  Not so loud. Some people get turned on by that sort of thing.

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Strange search-engine queries (384)

Monday morning means another batch of weird search strings received here at the site, scrutinized by the National Security Agency, and published in the hopes of garnering cheap laffs.

cross stitch patter song notes sexy sadie:  Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my knitters.

upholstery downholstery:  All around the townholstery.

a c an e-flat and a g walk into a bar. the bartender says sorry, but we don’t serve minors:  And that’s when all the treble started.

extend nissan leaf range:  Go downhill a lot.

netgeo I didn’t know that. Johnny About bra images:  Johnny was just like the rest of us: he’d give a year’s pay for a peek under there.

Suppose that nine-digit Social security numbers are assigned at random. If you randomly select a number, what is the probability that it belongs:  Ask the NSA. They’ve probably already looked it up.

dodie smith klothes that klank:  Made of some new mirakle kloth, I suppose.

BMW 750IL does not go in reverse:  What do you care? You didn’t buy it to drive; you bought it to be seen in.

emily brooks contortionist:  Oh, she left a message for you: “Get bent.”

beastly squirrel porn:  You mean like this?

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Strange search-engine queries (383)

Neither rain nor snow nor dark of night can forestall this Monday-morning feature, in which the weirdest search strings that landed at this site are detected, inspected, neglected, and eventually selected. (EF3 tornado? Maybe.)

“craft blogs” written “by men”:  Does that include craft beer?

transmission only works on hold:  Think of all the poor people whose transmissions don’t work at all. (And if they’re not poor yet, they’re about to be.)

Mazda Protege 5 transmission freezing between neutral and drive:  The Lord must love poor people; He makes so many of them.

dodge stratus sxt wont go faster than 20 mph why:  You can’t fix this on your own. Drive to a mechanic — slowly.

World penis lenth oil or creem by in pakistan with home delivery:  Because you wouldn’t want to be seen buying this in the public marketplace, would you?

large lint baskets:  Even small lint is discouraging, really.

how do you get the spark plugs out of a 2006 grand marques with 105,000 miles:  Very carefully. And next time don’t wait so long.

galactic graft:  What, has Zaphod Beeblebrox been hiring staffers from Chicago?

very very sexcy smooching lips ass video:  I can’t vouch for the sexiness, but every Sunday morning you can see politicians on TV planting a big wet one on the President’s hiney.

Your reputation for being a wound-tighter-than-a-chronometer neat freak utterly undersells your obsession:  Could you repeat that? I was in the middle of cleaning house.

rap song about welding:  Rollin down the street, smokin tailpipe, needin a brand new muff, weld in (my mind on my Caddy and my Caddy on my mind).

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Strange search-engine queries (382)

Perhaps you have today off. (This is probably why.) But duty goes ever on, as it must, and here are today’s wacky search strings.

nudism foto 1980god.:  I mean, God hardly needs pictures of skinny-dippers, amirite?

defective rate:  This is what you’ll probably really get from Rachel from Card Services.

dallas december2002 picketline bookstore plano picket dallas:  In other news, Plano has at least one bookstore.

The stoplight had just changed and a 1900 Cadillac has entered the intersection, heading north at 3.8, when it was struck by a 800 eastbound Volkswagen. The cars stuck together and slide to:  The front door of a bookstore in Plano.

can you add distronic cruise:  See your nearest authorized Mercedes-Benz retailer. There’s one in Plano.

miserabilist guide:  If you want to be miserable, all you have to do is read the news.

african woman huge naked big sexy ass shaking date /startpage/n:   I’m sure there’s something in the iTunes Store EULA about this sort of thing.

disengagement vent:  There’s almost got to be a Jefferies Tube joke here somewhere.

two dollars bills plastic cold:  Hence the phrase “cold cash.”

“mary fallin” “nice rack”:  You should see her Cabinet.

mozilla anal:  Yes, I admit it, Firefox can be a pain in the ass.

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Strange search-engine queries (381)

As someone said in my tweetstream yesterday, it’s that time of year when cold air from the northwest collides with moisture from the southeast, and the results are somewhere between worrisome and apocalyptic, depending on which of the local experts you want to consult. Me, I just sort through the logs and keep my head down.

does a 1992 mazda 626 have a carbarator:  The ’92 is carb-free. No gluten, either.

don’t want no cornbread meat:  This isn’t that gluten thing again, is it?

The mainstream is always being skeptical towards the ethnic minorities, who are wearing long dresses and women covering their faces, and with some people wrap up their heads with a white cloth:  The mainstream is always skeptical toward anyone who might not vote for it.

landcruiser snarly growly diesel:  You say that like it’s a bad thing.

hope both sides lose:  Especially when both sides nominate losers.

what does the m mean on the drive shift in a mazda?  It means you’re too lazy to pop open the glove box and RTFM.

i find your lack of ponies disturbing:  Surely not mine.

invisible wife fiction story:  It’s just as well. Were it nonfiction, I can think of a few guys who should fear for their lives.

Eddy owns several restaurants and hotels near a local interstate. One restaurant, Sandwiches R Us, needs to be modernized. He is trying to decide whether:  he can afford to be sued by that big-box toy store.

lizard simulation:  Set the DVR to record a whole day of C-Span. You’ll get all the simulated reptilian behavior you could possibly want.

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Strange search-engine queries (380)

The good thing about this weekly feature: it pays tribute to the idea that People Want To Know, and that they should have access to the things they want to know. The bad thing: just look at what they want to know.

joni mitchell: nice legs:  But have you looked at them from both sides now?

find stanley gray birthday ssn [redacted] lives in trosper ky:  Once you start throwing in actual Social Security numbers, I have to assume you’re not doing this so you can bake a cake for him.

you betcha for a jolly vow is a part of what song of the 70s johnny mathis:  Chances are he’s really looking for the Stylistics’ “Betcha By Golly Wow.”

Compared with democratic and authoritarian states on both ends of the spectrum the political conditions of hybrid regimes are subpar, but not distressing enough to engender rage on the part of citizens:  You just keep right on telling yourself that, Senator, bless your heart.

The Oklahoman DMVs shorthanded:  Amazingly, citizens are distressed. Enraged, even.

“driving is not a contest” bumper sticker:  Oh, yeah? Then how come you’re ahead of someone?

how to change LA4A-EL filter for cd4e yourself:  If you can’t distinguish Mazda’s part designations from Ford’s, you probably have no business trying to disassemble a transmission.

science fiction as an act of political interpretation:  Imagine the US Congress as a ragtag collective of bug-eyed monsters. Oh, wait, you said “fiction,” didn’t you? Never mind.

Woman claims Victorias Secret stole her bra:  Reverse shoplifting? O brave new world!

da um role de opala pode vim canbar paga pal:  Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.

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Strange search-engine queries (379)

Nothing says “Monday” like a batch of freshly squeezed search strings, straight off the meter. The question of whether you’d want “Monday” said in the first place remains unanswered, on this page anyway.

names of people houses that byrned in California wildfires?  I think we can eliminate David Byrne; he’s an ordinary guy, but he’s not burning down the house.

did Jessica Rabbits underwear fall off in a car crash? (For example — you can Google that one for yourself):  I think you can make the case that she didn’t have it on in the first place.

where are the 1992 ford escape engines and transmissions manufactured?  
Somewhere over the rainbow, since Ford didn’t actually make any Escapes until model year 2000.

catmax show all s.u.v. at $8000.00:  How about this lovely ’92 Ford Escape?

chelsea triple access account is it passbook operated:  Are you kidding me? Passbooks went out with the ’92 Escape.

methamphetamine oven cleaner:  Works up to 70 percent faster, but it eventually rots the door seal.

princess cadence and shining armor sex:  Well, yeah, I assume so, they’ve been married for over a year.

I hope both of you are fine:  Although I hear one of you is occasionally coarse.

is there a sensor:  There’s always a sensor. And it always costs at least $100.

friend keeps concern trolling me:  What you need is some new friends.

Jason would really like to become more clueful than clueless, but he daydreams a lot and can’t seem to finish anything. He is irritable most of the:  time and is tired of being concern-trolled by his friends.

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Strange search-engine queries (378)

All ready at the crack of dawn — and frankly, dawn ought to let us get a few more minutes of sleep, don’t you think? — it’s your weekly visit into the weird world of search strings, as found in this site’s weekly visitor list.

james harden rigged:  And that’s quite a rigging he has, too.

w6161xa bitten by duck initial encounter:  Yeah, like you’d want a second one.

jorgen von strangle gay sex story:  I’m sorry, I was busy laughing at “Jorgen von Strangle,” a name too silly for all but the lamest fiction.

When you need a new transmission do dealships put in new ones or rebuild ones?  A new one is at least $6,000. What do you think?

can i change my transmission from electronic to the cable transmission mazda:  Not a chance. You’ll need the old one rebuilt, inasmuch as a new one is at least $6,000.

what are the reasons a transmission is slipping mazda 626:  You need a new one. Actually, you need a rebuilt one, inasmuch as a new one is at least $6,000.

what is a gougery:  A place where one goes to get gouged, of course. You don’t happen to need a transmission, do you?

why doesn’t someone run against chairman rocky barrett potawatomi:  Beats me. The tribe is having legislative elections in late June, but only two seats (I think) are being contested.

Aubrey Mclendon screwed OG&E:  Well, that explains the smiles on their faces.

snert hagar how do you spell that:  According to my mom, who would have been 85 yesterday, it’s T-H-A-T.

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Strange search-engine queries (377)

This week’s collection of peculiar search strings, because it’s Monday and Mondays need all the help they can get.

bizet naked:  After the composer has decomposed long enough, such considerations become irrelevant.

what were the names of all the okla city public schools that were around klein area in oklahoma city during the 1920s + 1930s:  Um, there’s no distinct “Klein area.” The old Opportunity School was around 8th and Klein; the current OKCPS office is to its north.

asian men are polite:  Just don’t make fun of them.

itching powder rival:  Nothing truly rivals itching powder, though a case of shingles comes close.

im a bitch like the boldest person ever so ill go up to anybody:  You better home “anybody” isn’t carrying itching powder.

doodyful meaning:  Trust me, they hate you because you’re doodyful.

bruce’s unusual typing wizard background photo:  It’s Rainbow Dash, telling him that he needs to be, oh, about 20 percent faster.

opposite of date definition:  Whatever I was on, it was clearly the opposite of a date.

internet dating limbo:  Where you end up on the opposite of a date.

American dream is a phrase referring to the freedom that allows all citizens:  to tell the government to FOAD and quit interfering with the American dream.

googlenasty americans:  Those pursuing the America dream; they don’t appreciate your interference, or your inference.

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Strange search-engine queries (376)

In this world, Ben Franklin told us, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. I’m not saying that this Monday-morning roundup of oddball search strings deserves to be added to that list, but still: three hundred seventy-six of them.

97 mazda 626 rear tires face inward:  So turn one of them around.

is there a turbo that will fit a 1993 mazda 626 v6:  Well, sure, if you want your tires facing the wrong way.

is it true that ding dong the witch is dead in the charts at the moment:  Made #10, says the Official Charts Company, in the wake of the Baroness Thatcher’s death. It is not, however, the Fifth Estate version that was a 1960s hit in the States.

neon bra panties naked girls:  If they’re wearing neon bra and/or panties, they’re hardly naked, are they?

Today’s Secret Word is sponsored by Fungi-Nail. What is today’s Secret Word (aired on GSN between 3-6pm ET?)  If you expect me to watch television for you, that’s $150 an hour plus expenses. Today’s Secret Word must be something like “indolent.”

don’t play that song midi file:  In fact, don’t even download it.

advantages of western civilization:  It was nice while it lasted, but it assumed each individual was capable of acting in his/her own best interest, a notion that could not be allowed to stand.

what is the ritual for an 2010 infiniti ex35 canada:  In Quebec, anyway, it’s time for the Ritual Removal of the Winter Tires.

dustbury ratios:  About one of these per week, generally.

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Strange search-engine queries (375)

Monday morning means more of these slightly dubious search strings, as received at this domain during the past seven days, and brought to you at this time in lieu of Useful Content.

thrashing a puppy:  A form of cruel and unusual punishment, especially since the poor little critter won’t have the slightest idea why you’re doing this to him.

cloramine effects rubber washers:  In general, the life of a washer is inversely proportional to the difficulty of replacing it.

plastic glaft:  Should that be, maybe, “prastic glaft”?

wii weeds grow through artificial tur:  This is the inevitable result of a prastic glaft.

jayne mansfield’s rack:  Beyond your wildest dreams.

is there dairy in the shelton’s turkey meatballs:  If you’re really lucky, there’s turkey in them.

pentacle for success:  Now you know how they got to be a five-star hotel.

is 2.2liters turbo engine a 5 cylinder car?  Look for the pentacle on the valve cover.

cd4e locks up in reverse:  Your car is cursed. You need a pentacle.

22 kildare avenue dustbury:  Must be on the very edge of town.

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Strange search-engine queries (374)

No fooling: these are actual search strings that landed unwary Web surfers on this very site during the past seven days or so. We may never know their motivations, and in some cases we may never want to know.

business loans make your text blogger.bold.italic and more with HTML tags:  If you need to take out a loan to edit your template, you’re in worse shape than I thought.

i’m convinced comma:  No. I’m convinced period. A comma signals that you might not be so sure.

opposite of joyride:  “Commute.”

her boss an attorney demanded she wear 5 inch heel pumps and figure altering girdle:  And she, the new kid in the steno pool with an MA in art history, thought this was utterly unreasonable.

are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?  That depends. Who made it disorderly in the first place?

any lawsuits against nissan leaf:  What kind of lame-o sues a car?

returned rolled back odometer to nissan:  What, you didn’t even sue?

nissan sylphy gearbox problem symtoms:  Never mind all that careful diagnostic stuff. Sue ‘em.

ants crawling up sink:  If you wait long enough, eventually they’ll crawl down.

zooey deschanel pussy pics:  Sure. You try getting her to move that damn cat.

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Strange search-engine queries (373)

The last weekend of winter — then again, that was supposed to be the weekend before last, and we all know how well that worked out — is finally behind us, and before us stretches a week’s worth of logs. Was it worth the wait? Let’s see:

nice legs and nice shorts:  Well, you see, that’s why we were waiting for the end of winter. Some of us, anyway.

siteontheface porn pics:  Some sites you might want to keep your face out of, know what I mean?

I made him feel small:  The pressure of having a site on one’s face, I’d bet.

rose mcveigh having naked sex in casanova:  In days of old, they’d dress for that sort of thing.

a mineral that is not a silicate is:  Probably going to oxidize your face off.

can going to an indoor waterpark give you bronchitis:  Doubtful, since it’s not on the list of things for which they charge extra.

San Francisco hellhole apartments for the fucking poor–from riches to ratholes:  Perhaps if they quit doing that, they could afford to move someplace better.

why have local methamphetamine labs disappeared:  Because you wanted to save a few cents and decided to shop at a national chain like Tweakers R Us or the Boned Depot instead.

too stupid to love wiki:  Plenty of new material, the editors having lots and lots of free time to kill, much to their despair.

fonts that say stupid:  Call me when they bring out Tragic Sans.

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Strange search-engine queries (372)

Yes, it’s the weekly roundup of odd search strings and such, retrieved from our very own logs at no little expense, with 20 ounces of Royal Crown Cola at our side. (In a single tumbler, because this ain’t New York City.)

after wearing seat belts became mandatory drivers reacted by driving faster and less carefully. this is consistent with what principle of economics?   Obviously, the one you missed hearing about in class because you were texting under the desk.

where’s my electrical tape:  Over there in the tub, next to the rectifier.

andrej pejic wearing pantyhose stiletto heels:  Write him a check and he’ll be happy to model for you.

oldernaturists:  According to conventional wisdom, a significant deterrent to younger naturists.

testicle flapping:  Which might, in turn, be a deterrent to older naturists.

does american express capture ip address for account login attempts:  As does every other Web site on the face of the earth.

Nurse has enema and a dozen big ass toys in her butt torrent:  Actually, now that you mention it, “butt torrent” is a pretty good synonym for “enema,” or at least for the result thereof.

when will it be daylight until 7pm:  Some time around the equinox, I’d bet.

the lady prefers hanes radio:  Although if she puts it on backwards, people will think she’s talking out of her ass.

if someone screams at 840 hz and the other at 640 hz who’s heard first:  Whichever one gets the gig on Hanes Radio.

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Strange search-engine queries (371)

What would Monday be without these semi-charming little excursions into deepest Web effluvia? (Answer: Still Monday. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t sleep through ‘em.)

Servicing Big Daddy torrent:  I’m willing to bet this is not included in the service contract.

“replaced german as the language of science”:  “What is jargon?”

Stranded: I’ve Come from a Plane That Crashed on the Mountains:  Look at it this way: you had just enough fuel to make it to the crash site.

bikini hypnosis:  “Hey, my mesmerize are up here.”

happier endings to romeo and juliet:  Almost anything would have been happier than “both of them die,” don’t you think?

the tale of fialuridine:  Remember, you can’t spell “fialuridine” without “lurid.”

scam “windows technical support”:  $400 to reinstall Win98SE? Coming right up.

what the fuck is wrong with itunes skipping songs win7 itunes 10.7  It’s the deadly combination of iTunes and Win7. (Otherwise known as “Buy a Mac and shuddup.”)

sorry disease:  I’ve had a few of those. “I wish to hell I could get rid of this sorry disease once and for all.”

on cklw mike & lisa played a guy singing in a low voice. what did he swallow as a kd:  Maybe he had some sorry disease.

did mayor mick cornett say epic fail in 2013 state of the city address?  If he did, it was off the cuff: it’s not in the transcript.

what unexpected pop culture word did mick cornett use in the state of the city address:  Well, it certainly wasn’t “epic fail.”

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Strange search-engine queries (370)

Monday morning means traipsing through the logs, desperately searching for something — anything — that might possibly have punchline potential. This is by definition a non-essential function, so it is not affected by the current Federal sequestration.

trashman you so dumb you tried to play quaters with two dimes and a nickel:  Go home, Mac, you’re drunk.

sparkle dammit ascap patrick abbey:  Go home, Celestia, you’re drunk.

james carlos fanfiction lapdance strip pinch butt:  Go home, Jimmy — oh, hell, why bother?

school girl wearing bra:  Whether she needs it or not.

guy drops a fork so he can look up milfs skirt:  In his spare time, he goes searching the Web for “school girl wearing bra.”

infiniti lost its way glorified nissans:  In other words, about where Acura is now.

what an international student can do if he have not finich your study in usa and your visa is expire:  Offer to teach ESL to immigrant students. Nobody will ever notice.

herpes marxism:  Very much alike. Once you’ve had that brief pleasure, you’ll never get rid of the side effects.

penthouse letter i was studying late one night at a small midwestern liberal arts college:  And after contracting herpes, he became a Marxist.

“obituary” “charles g. hill” “oklahoma city”:  Not me. You’re thinking of the judge.

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