Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (526)

Once you get past the novelty of having five of these in February, it’s the same old thing: mine the search strings for comedy gold, or at least zinc.

turn your radio on john hartford:  What did John Hartford ever do to you?

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  Depends on how quickly Dori finds those photos of Vivian on Juan’s phone.

the strange case of avogadro’s airline flight 6.02 on october the 23rd:  The entire cargo compartment was filled with moles.

i was born unicorn:  Yeah, Blueblood, we know. Now go away and do something vaguely prince-y.

not a clever pony:  No excuses. Act like the noble you’re supposed to be.

shoe morass in a sentence:  The higher the heel of your shoe, the morass you’re likely to show.

trying to be less of an asshole than i was yesterday:  Not to worry. The primaries will be over soon.

web toys for your procrastination pleasure:  Finally, a workable definition of Wikipedia.

fork enid:  Yeah, that’s what they say in Alva. Almost.

fourbucks:  The eventual price for Charles Shaw wines at Trader Joe’s.

double down casino says 403 forbidden:  You’ve reached your limit, Chuckie.

dion waiters defense:  Blankly staring.

blankly staring:  Known as the Dion Waiters defense.

texas asshole massacre:  But that could take days. Weeks, even.

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Strange search-engine queries (525)

For those just tuning in, this is a weekly exercise in which we go through the scores of search strings that brought users of Bing and Google and whatever to this site, and then try to find something amusing about them. Sometimes it even works.

what happens if you bite your tongue:  A brief period of pain, as distinguished from the extended period of sorrow that would have been caused by what you were thinking about saying.

what do you call a skydiver with the flu:  Um, a sick chuter?

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day offer:  Well, that is what “daily” means: every day.

governor: the bridge that spans the brookline and kings boroughs is in desperate need of repair with estimates in the range of $30 million. over one million vehicles cross the bridge each day. therefore:  Raise the toll to $30.

“ok time to stop those pesky spammers” ~oncological:  Too bad. I was looking forward to giving them cancer.

hen tie:  You hope your mom thinks of this when she hears you talking about Japanese porn.

tigerdirect out of business:  Well, the Web site is still up and running.

tigerdirect website down:  Perhaps I spoke too soon.

excessive generosity:  This is probably not what killed TigerDirect.

taylor swift armpit sweat:  Only $90 an ounce at better retailers.

yuja wang bikini:  I can’t imagine her playing the piano in a swimsuit; on the upside, it probably wouldn’t interfere with her movements.

gentlemen formerly dressed:  At some point, they decided it was no longer worth the bother.

not superman:  “What is the inscription on Clark Kent’s headstone?”

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Strange search-engine queries (524)

Valentine’s Day, or as I call it “Five Dozen Years of Solitude,” is finally over with, so now it’s time to get back to work on these search strings.

fiorina sucks:  Well, that explains that whole happy-marriage thing.

feminine pulchritude:  As does that.

newton’s second law of motion is expressed as f = ma. a lawn mower is pushed over a length of grass. if the pushing force suddenly doubles what will happen to the lawn mower’s rate of acceleration?  It will decrease markedly once you get to that thick patch of weeds over there where the sewer line is leaking.

alexis has multiple personality disorder. when one of her personalities: Comes up with the idea to destroy all the others, which can be hard on a person.

in kelo v. city of new london, conn., where the city forced people to sell their houses so there could be a new large project build, the supreme court held that the forced sale:  Would utterly delight Donald Trump.

“ways to” “persuasively” towel:  I don’t think I’ve ever been persuasively toweled, but I’m certainly willing to give it a chance.

reluctant naked:  Perhaps this towel will persuade you.

sultry normally:  This describes Lauren Bacall, and hardly anyone else.

quadruple anal:  Oh, like we didn’t have enough assholes around here already.

windows couldn’t finish installing updates:  Also known as “Tuesday.”

ted nugent cookbook:  Probably not your first choice for stir-fried veggies.

does mrs butterworth syrup go bad:  There was that one weekend in the Log Cabin, but she will not speak of it.

is dreamhost down:  If it is, how are you reading this?

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Strange search-engine queries (523)

What’s that you say? Football’s over? How did that happen?

Oh, never mind. Have some search strings.

“bladder” “equestria” -deviantart  Oh, buck, Fluttershy’s hitting the Lasix again.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc:  Which is a good thing, since discontent is common among developers.

fear of boobs:  It’s worse than you think. They usually travel in pairs.

non nude crossdressers tumblr:  Well, yeah. If they were nude, you’d never know they were crossdressers. (Okay, maybe the mascara gave him away.)

an administrative assistant of a large factory visits the medical unit and tells the nurse she is having pain in the right wrist, numbness in the index finger, and decreased mobility of the right hand. the nurse suspects the client has what?  A huge deductible.

durant ok radio stations:  They play both kinds of music: country and western.

damascus girls:  You can’t be Syrious.

death fetishist:  Doesn’t exactly lend itself to multiple orgasms, if you know what I mean.

“notify me of followup comments via e mail” i faint:  Yeah, I’m surprised when that works, too.

der kommissar’s in town:  I’ll be sure not to turn around.

casandra, who is attractive and likable, has just telephoned mike and asked him for a date. according to the two-factor theory of emotion, mike is likely to experience the most intense romantic feelings for casandra during their phone conversation if he has just:  Been dumped by Valerie.

texas asshole massacre:  Actually, I think they were repelling migrants from California.

how did rebecca black become famous:  Anything can happen on Friday.

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Strange search-engine queries (522)

After months of foreplay, the actual political season begins this week, and it has the word “anticlimax” written all over it. So I’m just going to go about my business, part of which involves sorting through recent search strings. No contributions are solicited.

“feminist airplanes” “feminist engineers”:  The latter, at least, are known to exist.

why do feminist hate guys yahoo:  Damn guys won’t let them fly.

this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions canton flannel:  After “submissions,” I think we can safely rule that this was automated.

would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day heracles:  It would give him something to do while mucking out the stables.

assume that wal-mart stores:  No, don’t. We assume too much about them already.

96 ways to say i love you:  Which is 46 more than the ways to leave.

invisible clothes for women:  Alterations, regrettably, are exceedingly difficult.

by publishing information packed articles, you’ll soon enjoy visceroptosis:  Well, you may experience it, but you probably won’t enjoy it.

kermit the frog no mascara:  I wonder if this is what triggered the breakup with Miss Piggy.

thomas has routinely declined invitations to go bar-hopping from kathy, his boss. during his performance review, kathy mentions that even though the quality of his work is satisfactory, he isn’t much of a “team player.” at the end of the review, kathy invites him out for drinks again. how would this:  If Thomas is wise, he will start updating his résumé.

did shakespeare write with a quill:  Well, it wasn’t a Sharpie.

walking down the street something caught my eye:  How it did that while walking, I’ll never know.

craigslist narration needed:  Over here are the scamsters, and off to the right you can see the pervs.

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Strange search-engine queries (521)

The West Coast is being spattered by liquid; the East Coast is covered by what used to be liquid before it froze. Here in the middle, we’re seeing a big yellow ball in the sky that hadn’t previously been detected for about a week. But while everyone’s routines are disrupted, some things go on, and one of them is this “Let’s see all the search strings!” bit.

todd rundgren misprint something anything:  Hello, it’s me, you’ve thought about this for how long?

sarah palin squirmish:  Perhaps she was uncomfortable.

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  See section 6.2 of the National Association for a Kardashian-Free Society bylaws.

palestinians cheering 9/11:  Well, they’re just old, humorless sourpusses.

“ways to” “persuasively” towel:  The trick is to get her dry at the exact moment you get her wet.

“membership to this website is public” wall mount gun rack:  And the public never, ever acts up. Wonder why?

we’ve found that lots of messages from are spam:  These days, it doesn’t matter whom they’re from.

shoe retry timeout exceeded:  Geez, how long does it take to put on a pair of shoes?

maybe he’ll know cyndi lauper:  She will be waiting, time after time.

refrigerator not cold:  Did you check to see if it was running?

something different with steak:  A small lump of feldspar.

intj stare:  We do not stare. We brood.

buy-o-mart sells magazines at a 10% discount. what amount will you pay the cashier for a magazine that costs $5.99 and has a sales tax of 4%?  If I tell you, you’re going to be so screwed when the teacher tells you to show your work.

Also, there were several dozen instances of “received the verification code, you will be able to choose a new password for your account” followed by a single random word. This is the level of hacking engaged in by the sort of people who can’t figure out the price of a magazine with a discount and a sales tax.

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Strange search-engine queries (520)

According to the Weather Guys, who start their figuring from the first of December, we’re now in the middle of winter. From here on out, it can only get better, right? Never, ever assume that. In the meantime, let’s look at the latest search strings.

“enter this code to prove you are not a robot” mazda 6 lease price:  This practice discriminates against driving robots, and will not be tolerated in the Xeljanz administration.

pop tarts 2004:  Long since expired. Throw them away.

tinder verified:  Not as meaningful as being the Mayor on Foursquare.

readme.html wordpress vodka flavored vodka  Delete “readme.html”; it is of no use to anyone except malware distributors. Now pass me some of that vodka-flavored vodka.

invisible bikini prank:  Never knew the Emperor was trying on swimsuits.

warren has been struggling to eat healthier, but he forgot to pack a lunch and he is starving. he pulls into the fast food drive-through lane, and as he ponders the options he decides to go for a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger. he gets a small order of french fries instead of a large order:  All he had to do was order a Diet Coke, which eliminates all calories, amiright?

wordpress.com shrill:  You obviously haven’t been on Tumblr lately.

jason hangs sheetrock for a local contractor. his job requires him to hang the sheetrock overhead on ceilings. what type of ergonomic-related hazard is jason likely to encounter?:  Severe headache, gravity-assisted.

geometry works:  It does! Ask the guy standing under the Sheetrock.

trying to be less of an asshole than i was yesterday:  Call back in three weeks.

amos moses was a cajun:  And a one-armed Cajun at that.

not superman:  This describes every one of us, except maybe that Clark Kent guy.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  That you should never buy gifts in February.

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Strange search-engine queries (519)

Already weary of January? Well, this little excursion into the search-string logs will not do anything for the midwinter blues or the Christmas bills, but it will kill some time, time which might otherwise kill you.

two cars on a straight road at time zero are beside each other. the first car:  is hogging the faster lane at five under the speed limit, and you wish you had a grenade launcher at your command.

sex 1030:  Don’t worry, it will be over by eleven.

“securely and privately show videos to your friends and family around the world” wall mount gun racks:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I see no advantage in letting everyone see how I store guns.

a texas city has a population of 100:  Well, it’s not in Loving County (population 82), then.

something different with steak:  Try making a smoothie out of a baked potato.

do they sell viagra at gas stations:  No, that’s not the secret ingredient in Shell V-Power.

rhymes with yell:  Gargamel?

what kind of sexualized, audacious, political, and scatological comedy was considered fit material for translation or publication only in recent times:  I’m gonna say U.S. News and World Report.

on a given morning, franco sold 40 pairs of shoes for a total of $80 at his shoe store:  Thereby posting a loss of $3,700.

how can i get more girth:  Right now, what you need is more depth.

sheila believes that all news reporters are cynical, doubting individuals who would sell their souls for an exclusive story. in this case, sheila’s beliefs about the traits and behaviors of news reporters are one example of:  Fallacious interpretation, since she assumes that all reporters have souls.

is artillery fungus harmful to humans:  Both artillery and fungus, in fact.

how to tell my girlfriend i love her yahoo:  That’s a laugh. You’ve never even seen her yahoo.

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Strange search-engine queries (518)

Okay, buoys and gulls, the holidays are behind us and receding quickly. Time to get back to work.

seoul station:  You’re listening to Kpop.

your mom tells you to charge a price of 25 cents for each bracelet. since the marginal cost of making a bracelet is also 25 cents, this price will _____:  Be approved by the government, which doesn’t know any better.

“received the verification code, you will be able to choose a new password for your account.” malingering:  Now there’s a memorable, if weakish, password.

not superman:  That describes all of us, more or less.

expressionengine discussion forum – version swoon:  If you asked me to install a forum running on Expression Engine, I’d probably swoon.

get this tub of shit down to the infirmary symmetrical:  And it damn well better be balanced when it gets there.

say hello to longer legs:  With pleasure.

eight-year-old trey stands in front of a group of kids and says, “i am smart”. which of the following is the most plausible reaction to this incident:  C. And your mother dresses you funny.

my sprained ankle family blog:  Like I’ve always said, you can write about anything.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  An endless thump-thump-thumping.

1 cock is not enough:  Stacy Brown got two.

dishardening:  It’s twice as bad with Stacy Brown.

leo worries all of the time. he worries about his money, his children, and his dog. his muscles are always tense and sore, he has trouble sleeping, is often irritable, and has difficulty concentrating. leo’s symptoms sound most like:  America 2016.

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Strange search-engine queries (517)

The National Weather Service, I am told, prefers “ice pellets” to “sleet.” And I’d prefer almost anything else with the exception of freezing rain, which is a tool of the devil. In the meantime, since I’m not going to frolic in the, um, pellets, I may as well read the search logs.

18 years old cutie verified by a doctor to be a virgin and then deflorated by the doctor’s husband:  And this is why the world is rapidly going to hell in a handbasket: the interaction between people obsessed with screwing and people obsessed with not screwing.

burn the spring chicken:  And hope it doesn’t taste too fowl.

no coke:  Pepsi?

gas station in median little rock circa 1960-70’s 12th & fairpark:  No, they won’t sell you regular for 59 cents a gallon. Or even 59.9 cents.

my sprained ankle family blog:  See? You can blog about anything.

if 90 percent of automobiles in orange county have both headlights working what is the probability that in a sample of eight automobiles at least seven will have both headlights working?  Do you know something about Orange County that I don’t?

sharon had a major argument with terence:  Damn guy never got around to getting his headlights fixed.

victoria justice feet ketchup:  Just in case you thought you had ridiculous fantasies.

manages to snag a steel conduit with his fingers symmetrical:  I suppose it’s easier to grasp with equal amounts on both sides.

severance pay for nineteen years symmetrical:  How much of that time was spending snagging steel conduit?

3.39 inches:  The guy on Tinder who claimed seven and a half.

moles on black people:  It happens. Black people don’t like them either.

renee is telling tom about her recent preparation for law school final exams. he nods his head and says “uh huh” a few times. however:  Tom has no idea that he’s about to get dumped.

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Strange search-engine queries (516)

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the logs, some new entries shone, but the others — real dogs. We hope to concentrate on the spiffy.

invisible voyeurism women nude:  How do you know she’s watching? She could be simply burglarizing the place.

mlp larson:  This is M. A. Larson under an assumed name — I assume.

nicholas is a man whom the local college students all think of as eccentric. each day he stands on campus:  And he’s not carrying a sign protesting his alleged oppression, which confuses them.

extended download service for norton products:  Unfortunately, it’s Ed Norton, and Ed Norton works in the sewers of New York.

people sleep peaceably in their beds at night:  Because they don’t have to think about what’s happening next morning.

christina aguilera bound to you übersetzung:  She’s bound to be uninterested in the likes of me, regardless of language.

what is heaven like yahoo answers:  If it is, I’ve wasted a lifetime being semi-virtuous.

princess amber reckful:  Because you wouldn’t want a princess to be reckless.

cassandra started to feel better after three visits to a:  Different Web site.

independent grocer canned chattanooga:  Chattanooga’a big place. You may need several cans.

1 cock is not enough:  That’s what they said down at the Chicken Ranch.

wp-config-sample.php ~dreary:  Yeah? Fix your own damn WordPress, then.

my balls and my word is all i have:  Well, we already know what your word is worth.

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Strange search-engine queries (515)

If you’re new around here, this is something we do on Mondays: pick up the logs, shake them out, find the search strings, and scatter them about. If we find something marginally amusing, it lands here.

gonojagoron moncho lucky:  I’m assuming this isn’t a translation of that Daft Punk record.

babe spotting linear tv.ram:  Odd that a voyeur might actually want to use RealPlayer.

my litle porni:  I’d kind of hate to see their Duty Marks.

last supper fast food:  Judas must have been buying.

sawiro jacayl ah oo qurux badan:  Is this David Seville’s “Witch Doctor” translated into Dothraki?

i have no life yahoo answers:  That was our assumption all along.

jerking off made simple:  Oh, yeah, like you need instructions.

“for random sassy updates” 2003 spam:  Which you’re probably still getting today.

duck gonna whip somebody:  He was surprised at the size of his bill.

stupid bint:  For some reason, nobody ever seems to talk about smart bints.

can a vanishing twin reappear:  Sure. Wait until the last episode of the season.

“alderaan” “name” “email” “telephone” “comment” “contact”:  I’m afraid you’re just a little bit late, Mr. Binks.

dream girl 8 december 2015:  Just like all the other ones: gone before I woke up.

Oh, and Jack Baruth dug into his search strings this week.

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Strange search-engine queries (514)

It is a Monday tradition in these parts to go traipsing through the logs, hoping to find weird, embarrassing, or utterly inscrutable search strings. And invariably, we find them.

maria bartiromo black pantyhose:  Wore out the Pause switch on your DVR, did you?

shoes sticking to floor:  I’m guessing this is in the room where you watch Maria Bartiromo.

windows 10 is not ready:  Yeah, that’s what they said about Server 2003.

degrading flirting:  Was it graded first?

man name sirius and woman named Denise involvement in bank robbery in Orange county California:  Surely Denise didn’t take this guy Siriusly.

run up an alley and holler fish:  Don’t be surprised when Abe Vigoda answers.

during her speech on creating a healthier environment:  She coughed several times and spit twice on the floor.

valvoline rookwood:  I hear this will be the name for Kim and Kanye’s third kid.

one-horned bitch destroyer:  This must be one of those new “modern” Tarot decks.

waxed muff:  After which, inevitably, it waned.

quadruple beer:  Twelve point eight?

people with a lot of moles:  That lets out Ron Stoppable, who has only one.

write a fiction short story about election using polling place, independent, electoral college, elec:  And keep in mind that however outlandish your storyline, it will never be as weird as actual news programs.

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Strange search-engine queries (513)

Okay, so it’s Monday evening instead of Monday morning. Doesn’t make this exercise any less valid. (Or, for that matter, any more valid.)

be there in a jif:  And make it skippy. (I owe McGehee for this one.)

i love her dearly yahoo:  Some yahoos are more dearly than others, I suspect.

shady grove music fair in 1970 did it burn down:  Um, no. But the venue property was deemed too valuable to waste on music fairs.

when i flash my headlights my 626y5 produce a buzzin sound:  It’s telling you not to flash your damn headlights, you rude S.O.B.

jailbait boobs:  The time to worry is when they come looking for jailbait without boobs.

rebecca black 2014 selfie:  Aw, come on. She didn’t go a month in 2014 without posting at least one selfie.

overlord of flies:  And you, for one, welcome him, am I right?

parella lewis pants:  Not in my presence, she doesn’t.

permalink to highest quality wood for the highest quality piano steinway assembled rim:  If it’s that good, they’ll sell to Steinway before they’ll sell to you.

pseu pseu pseudio:  Careful now. You quote too much of it and Phil Collins will pseu you.

used saturn ion wright county minnesota:  Pretty much all Saturn Ions everywhere are used, maybe even used up.

hospital gown memes:  Never did like those. There’s really nothing to back them up.

400 pixels wide and at least 150 pixels tall broken heart:  Aorta pop you one for that.

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Strange search-engine queries (512)

If you’re not familiar with this Monday-morning feature, please allow me to explain. This site is very large, as personal sites go — roughly thirty thousand articles on all manner of subjects — so there’s a good chance that J. Random Googler (or Binger or whatever) might actually land here, or at least be shown something here, while searching for something off the wall. If it’s far enough off the wall, I’ll notice it, and I’ll post it here.

blog A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for o:  Trust me, this culture was dying before I started putting personal rudeness and bad manners on a blog.

the who see me:  You better behave yourself, then. Especially in front of Townshend.

can a 20 year old take viagra:  If he’s sufficiently pathetic, yes.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  Then readers should not look at it until tomorrow, which is Taco Tuesday.

when sheila arrived at the gym on tuesday morning:  She knew not to overwork herself, because she wanted to be ready to go for Taco Tuesday.

candice routinely blows every little setback out of proportion. for example:  Last week, they had Taco Tuesday on Thursday, and she pitched a hissy fit.

when the floor rusted through on her old car:  She realized that Fred Flintstone didn’t know jack about brakes.

kermit without mascara:  Frogs wear makeup?

paul and peter disagree:  As they have been, ever since we decided to rob Peter to pay Paul.

lolitas 7-15 whores collection archive:  And we’d better not find out that Paul has been spending Peter’s money on this kind of crap.

intj stare of death:  If this actually worked, I can think of several people who wouldn’t be here now.

flying anvil foundation:  Run by Acme officials as a tax dodge.

best way to catch a coyote:  Have you tried the new line of Acme anvils?

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Strange search-engine queries (511)

“We’ll always have Paris.” — Rick Blaine

“We’ll always have search strings.” — Me

good morning mr leech:  Always be polite to those you subsidize.

german lass milf patriarch sleeps with teen boyish sub subsequently game:  Um, this is not how you program the Holodeck, ensign.

We reject the prospect of failure or mediocrity or an inferior quality of life for any person is wha:  “Wha?” indeed.

biology of european sea bass (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here?

blackman 101 defenses (epub|pdf):  Someone trying to do serious research here.

clear channel sucks:  Outdated. Today, it’s “iHeartRadio sucks.”

jerking off made simple:  When, exactly, was it complicated?

naked women funny:  If you should find one, never let her go.

models attract women through honesty mark nason pdf:  So it’s not the thousand-dollar dresses?

usenet youth and beauty:  Guy’s obviously never seen a flame war.

villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot:  Not so useful when the bad guy is a girl.

juan is an ardent environmentalist and the sole supporter of two children. he found out that his company is dumping toxic waste into a landfill. before pursuing this issue:  He makes sure he has photos of the general manager, naked, groveling at the feet of the dominatrix.

cuttlefish of cthulhu codpiece:  If you should see one of these, lob it into the landfill as though it were toxic waste.

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Strange search-engine queries (510)

Mondays in November can be bleak, miserable, and, well, Monday-ish. Will this collection of oddball search strings collected from site records cheer you up? Geez, how the heck would I know?

Non violent gay cock and balls tickle torture stories:  Well, hey, as long as they’re nonviolent.

you’re young, you’ll adjust:  Yeah, but you told me that years ago.

to imply that the onscreen world is somehow out of balance:  Will surprise no one who’s ever paid attention to it.

jailbait in pantyhose:  Is still jailbait and is therefore inadvisable.

just over eighteen:  Ceases to be jailbait, but is probably still inadvisable.

plane crash bodies in seats underwater:  Must be some CNN guy desperate to fill time.

nena 99 red balloons armpits:  You’re missing the whole point of the song.

victoria justice ketchup feet:  Every time I think I’ve seen the last possible fetish, something like this comes along.

quadruple anal entry:  If that’s even possible, I don’t want to know about it.

revolting slob:  How I imagine someone who Googles “quadruple anal entry.”

cats don’t dance:  Not where you can see them, anyway.

fibonacci reeks:  Says the guy who can’t figure out how to program it in Visual Basic.

kim kardashian news today:  The scary part is that Google Webmaster Tools won’t send me this unless it’s within the first ten pages of the search.

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Strange search-engine queries (509)

Much as I’d like to believe that everyone who visits this site is a personal friend who comes to hear the soothing sound of my voice and the occasional clash of joyous cymbals, it takes only the briefest glance at the logs to reveal that this can’t possibly be true. A lot of people land here accidentally, because they were looking for something. And now and again, it’s instructive to see just what it is they were looking for.

“territory ahead” tee shirts backorder problems:  What’s the problem? T-shirts get backordered all the time.

the song of chrs brwn ft tyga kerin mccal:  Um, this is not Twitter. You can spell things out if you have to.

i’m gonna whip somebody’s duck ringtone:  Better a duck than nae. Or, for that matter, nae.

what is d meaning of 3 mal func written on benz c230 dash board:  It means that you get to write a check to your Mercedes dealer. You should be used to it by now.

PLEASE SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR YOUR RECORDS – PLEASE READ THIS MESSAGE IN FULL. Your security means:  Squat, obviously.

if you were a fifteenth-century american indian living in the region of modern-day ohio:  You’d presumably be spared traffic in downtown Columbus.

there was an old man in a tree:  Who found himself taking a pee; the force of his bladder, his lack of a ladder, gave passersby something to see.

tom cruise rock of ages codpiece:  Yeah, nice rock there, Tom.

what kind of sexualized:  Let’s worry about that next Halloween, okay, pal?

snake with boobs:  Must have been somehow sexualized.

teenagers spend billions of dollars on stereo equipment and compact discs. they have the ability:  To drive you nucking futz in a matter of minutes.

get laid in okc:  If you’re asking me, you’re indeed hard up.

finger in the nose:  This may be why you’re not getting laid.

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Strange search-engine queries (508)

Daylight Saving Time doesn’t end in the States until this coming weekend, so this morning is dark as a dungeon until well past seven. In the meantime, we’ve taken advantage of the darkness to examine the search-string records, some of which perhaps should never have seen the light of day, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Kelley offers Daniel $60 to wash her car. Daniel says he’ll consider the offer. In the meantime, Cec:  prepares to dump Daniel for even thinking about washing some other woman’s car.

a dealership purchased a four-door sedan for $15:  And subsequently resold it for $27,995.

fox news shortest skirts:  Just pray it’s not Sean Hannity.

Extra Large Car Sun Shade (2 Pack) for SUVs, MiniVans and Full-Size Sedans – Premium Baby Car Window:  WTF? Does this look like Woot to you?

“flammable material” “pulchritude”:  Yeah, we know, she’s hot.

if debbye is willing to pay $50 for a pair of shoes but only has to pay $20 because the shoes are on sale:  She’ll probably spend $30 on an almost-matching bag.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4:  In a better world, bacon would be free for all.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule:  This is not like the five-second rule, is it?

johnny cash’s car:  Ring of fire, and piston damage as a result.

this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions winchester bandit 9 gun safe accessories: Because robots would never, ever own guns.

you don’t have a valid license for visage:  Who’d license this face?

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  See if you can keep from vomiting.

“gonads” + “contact” ~immaterial:  Speak for yourself, pal. It’s pretty damned material to the rest of us.

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Strange search-engine queries (507)

This is a simple Monday exercise built on the premise that there are people on the Web who will look for strange things, and there’s a small if nonzero chance they’ll land here while looking. (Seriously. In the current WordPress database, which began in September 2006, there are 18,203 posts. For comparison, the Chesapeake Arena, where the NBA’s Oklahoma City Thunder play, seats 18,203.) The rest is easy: find some funny or awkward search strings, cut and paste, then snark.

search engine queries odd wierd:  Yes, that’s what I said. Weren’t you paying attention up there?

paul wesselhoft nut:  Wesselhoft being a Republican, I assume you want his right nut.

oldsmobile alero instrument panel humming from #19 fuse under hood:  Well, of course it’s humming. You can’t expect a mere fuse to know the words.

holly brockwell boobs:  They’re real, they’re spectacular, and they’re none of your damn business.

overfilled bra:  Also none of your damn business.

hardest pullout position:  Ask the Secretary of Defense, if we ever again get one worth talking to.

cars with spoiler:  We can’t tell you. It would ruin it for everybody else.

rowan is interested in becoming a florist. her mother’s best friend works at the local flower shop and has agreed to let rowan observe what she does after school for a week. this is an example of:  Unpaid internship at its most blatant.

d 13:  A poor substitute for a d20, because it has a tendency to fall at predictable angles.

funky kicks going down in the city:  Oh, I definitely don’t want to get caught up in any of that.

adolescent naturist:  Be sure that’s what he really is; sometimes they’re too lazy to get dressed.

be there in a jif:  More plausible than “Be there in a Peter Pan.”

reasonable psychic guidance cockeysville:  How about “Move out of Baltimore County while you still can”?

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Strange search-engine queries (506)

Granted: Christopher Columbus was something of an asshole. Still, we have this holiday, not so much to honor said asshole, but because the sort of people who always get lots of holidays couldn’t bear to go from all the way from Labor Day to Thanksgiving without a break. I have to work today, so I remain utterly indifferent to such matters.

what happens if you bite your tongue and hold your breath:  You’re being a good Republican, according to your party’s officials.

Mammoth cafe phone number catalytic converters:  Dial 1-800-AGHAST.

suicide prevention week 6-12 september we all need prayer right now. if i don’t see your name:  You may presume that you’ve been written out of the will.

although she tends not to make her presence felt when she’s in the chamber:  We told you not to vote for The Ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt, but you didn’t listen, did you?

windows 10 spinning circle:  This is for all you people who complained about the hourglass in Windows 95.

woman wanted a 64 inch backside:  Unrequited love for Sir Mix-A-Lot, perhaps.

run up an alley and holler fish:  And chips, or they won’t listen.

god burns down equestria for insurance money:  This has to be one of Prince Bluebood’s schemes.

rectal exam meme:  All your polyps are belong to us.

put your ass on the line:  How else can we conduct this rectal exam?

they all looked so damn happy:  They weren’t scheduled for rectal exams.

pharmville:  Finally, a Facebook game where you get to sell drugs.

if he only wants your breasts legs and thighs send him to kfc lyrics:  Still trying to find a rhyme for “extra crispy.”

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Strange search-engine queries (505)

Cold and rainy on the West Coast; rainy and cold and really rainy on the East Coast. In between, maybe not so bad. We might even be able to go raiding the logs for funny stuff.

what character in mystery stories became invisable by touching her wrist:   That was probably Scarlet O’Neil, though I have to admit I never actually saw her do it.

british diplomats tropical duty pay:  One extra cup of tea, tepid.

you probably believe that the earth is spherical:  What’s more, I probably think this song is about me.

a classmate leaves a message on your voice mail betting that you cannot throw a stone high enough so it lands on the roof of a 20 m high building. as you stare out of your window pondering whether to accept the challenge:  A stone comes from out of nowhere and knocks you to the floor.

natasha wagner butt:  Not one of the Butt Sisters.

theocracy flag:  A white field with an image of the deity and the motto “DON’T SCREW WITH ME.”

grackle control:  It’s over there on the right, right below the tuning knob.

philadelphia experiment sailors fused to ship:  Only the first time; subsequent experiments were met with refusal.

judge jeanine pirro cleavage:  Why didn’t you say so? All this time she’s been sending shoefies.

has morgan fairchild ever been nude:  Not once. She was born wrapped in swaddling clothes, and bathes by driving through the car wash with the top down.

how to make viagra at home for men:  This is a complicated drug; it’s not like throwing eleven herbs and spices into the mix and pronouncing it KFC.

dishardening:  The inevitable result of trying to make Viagra at home.

phil spector’s wife adam carolla:  Far as I know, Phil Spector was never married to Adam Carolla.

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Strange search-engine queries (504)

It seems unreasonable to me that there should be 504 of these over a ten-year period, while there have been only 266 Popes in two thousand years. Then again, we don’t want to be changing Popes every seven days, either.

the reality television show wife swap exchanges the matriarchs from two very different families and films the result:  Kinda makes you wonder how it lasted for more than a season.

what happened to rebecca black:  Last I’d heard, she’d gone to Taco Bell.

mongoose agency:  So far, they have only the one mongoose, though they’d like to have more mongeese. Or is that “mongooses”?

lateral mobile shelving sioux falls south dakota:  You didn’t, um, accidentally build a shelf, did you?

hot girl serving beer:  Let’s hope it’s cold beer.

ariana grande having sex:  Shucks, I’d be happy if she’d just bring me a cold beer.

intravenous wine:  As a matter of fact, I like beer.

food for supper:  Highly recommended. In fact, most people actually prefer food for supper.

ay lav yu:  Wouldn’t “I <3 U” be easier to type?

shimshit lawyers:  That’s not how you spell “shyster,” although it probably ought to be.

a day full of fun dvd:  Preceded by half a day of previews, promotional material, outright commercials, and FBI warnings.

tamara is a content developer at moon loop inc:  Wonder what it takes to make sure our developers are content.

fiorina pantyhose:  You can’t assume someone will serve well in an elective office just because she has long, smooth, shapely, carefully crossed legs.

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Strange search-engine queries (503)

In case you’ve been spending all your time in the Real World — or worse, in the Political World, which is much the same except that everyone lies about the price of everything — this is a standard Monday-morning feature, wherein we disclose some of the wackier motivations people have for reading this site, based solely on the search strings they used to get here.

why is the gearbox hunting for gears in the mazda 626:  Same reason fruitbats hunt for fruit. Except more expensive, of course.

shiftless individuals:  Well, yeah. Their gearboxes are out hunting for gears.

ringjob sex:  Few mechanics I know will allow you to work off your repair bill.

world tour fishing couldn’t connect to gate server:  A poor choice of bait, perhaps?

all purchases until march 2016 10.9%-18.9% capital one classic platinum credit card:  Said the guy who thinks he’s actually going to get ten point nine.

isis lures women with dank memes:  Yet this sort of thing never seems to work for you. Why do you think that is?

wrench dressing:  All you really need is a light penetrating oil.

donald davis developed a nutrient quality index:  While sitting in the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

huey lewis penis:  Happy to be stuck with it, were you?

george shrinks car:  And yet it still wouldn’t get over 19 mpg, whereupon George threw himself to the ground and shrieked for several hours.

ariana grande covered in sperm:  Um, that’s not actually an area we cover.

did you ever have the feeling:  Why do you think we drink?

the most lewd and vulgar video webcam jailbait girls:  Someone’s auditioning for a sequel to The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

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Strange search-engine queries (502)

Comes around another Monday, and with it, the need to poke around in the back room until we find what people are looking for that brings them here. We may yet regret it.

what happens when you hold your breath:  Try it and see. Report back in about an hour.

latina nudists who is a dead ringer of patty (the manager of the terra cotta inn):  You look at enough nudists, and eventually they all start to look alike.

mark never stops ranting about the dangers of pornography. he gives endless examples of smut he has seen in movies and on tv:  And then goes online looking for pictures of nudists.

if you were a fifteenth-century american indian living in the region of modern-day ohio:  You’d get stuck in downtown Columbus with no idea which way to go.

teen shows asshole on webcam:  This is hardly news; webcams are just full of assholes.

why dont we feel the earth move:  Um, poor choice of partners?

the planned extermination of an entire race of people is known as:  Tuesday.

shoes that look like food:  Loafers, maybe?

octopus bimaculoides for sale:  Well, you certainly can’t lease them.

spiderman and twilight sparkle:  It would never, ever work out. For one thing, J. Jonah Jameson is allergic to pony hair.

non nude crossdresser:  Well, yeah. Were they nude, how could you tell?

how to hump a stuffed animal step by step:  If you have to ask, perhaps you need a different hobby.

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Strange search-engine queries (501)

If you have Monday off, or even if you don’t, this Monday-morning feature is still around, showing you what lengths people will go to in the search for, um, let’s call it “information.”

daily double dirty worn wet discharged pantie with pantyliner:  Then again, maybe “information” is the wrong word.

f4 anvil:  The lower-priced alternative to Acme.

Buy don’t like the ear uncomfortable than eat shit Want to buy a sennheiser earplugs, please recomm:  When you’re in those coprophagic moods, the only thing that matters about earbuds is whether the cord gets in the way of your lunch.

Rove all over the world children suddenly the rain arena, I wish you have a dream for a hors:  My dream kingdom for a dream horse!

viral video proves the internet loves shade balls:  The Internet loves balls, shade or otherwise.

how many variations are there for the cd4e transmission:  At this point, two: broken, and not broken.

elkhart indiana stolen saab 97x black suv:  Well, it’s certainly not here.

jim develops 5 java applications a year. joe develops 10 java applications a year. jim gets paid $5000.00 per application:  Joe gets paid $1500 per application, quits, and goes off to write games for Android.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  It probably should have been written tomorrow, on Taco Tuesday.

whats third base with a guy:  I don’t know. (Third base.)

“wreck the dress” | “destroy the dress” | “drown the gown” | “trash the dress”:  Excuse me, but are you having an issue with this dress?

slammed cars:  Often they are slammed into bridge abutments.

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Strange search-engine queries (500)

Most of my brilliant blog ideas from the past two decades wouldn’t last for five posts, let alone five hundred. Yet here we are, doing that same old “What are you looking for?” scheme from ten years ago. The concept first appeared here, in August 2005; the current title was adopted a month later. The methodology has shifted a bit over the years, but the premise is always the same: you were looking for something, and at some point you noticed something here on this very site. With 25,000 or so pages on site, it’s hard not to find a match here for something, but most people won’t dig down too deeply, and the machines quit supplying results after a thousand or so.

ariel winter soles:  Now this is a man steadfast in his perversity: the poor girl gets a bewb job for medicinal reasons, but he’s only interested in her feet.

armenian foot fetish:  Then again, there is no shortage of Kardashians.

jay complains to his father that he wants more juice. his father takes the juice jay has in his glass and pours it into a taller but narrower glass. jay is now content that he has more juice. jay has apparently failed to develop:  But it won’t stop him from a successful career in American politics.

chkdsk wine:  If you’re lucky, you’ll have to do this at every reboot.

intravenous wine:  And I thought I was lazy.

pervy sloth meme:  Where would a sloth find the time to be pervy?

liability and coverage:  Don’t worry, Mrs C, the public will never know about your ability to lie.

peter yarrow net worth:  As the sole heir to Puff the Magic Dragon — well, a dragon lives forever, so Peter will be waiting a while.

claremore company received $7:  For which they paid 52 cents in Oklahoma tax.

if the word “win” is on a list of words a child is asked to remember:  Then this child is now forty, because schools haven’t taught anything abouut winning for thirty years.

baptize a cat:  If it’s full immersion, you’ll have the devil to pay.

can cats feel earthquakes:  Yes. They prefer them to baths.

cnn breaking news: south carolina to ban the sale of tylenol in bottles because they fear picking the cotton from the bottle may represent racism and slavery:  Must be a hoax, since there was no missing airliner involved.

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Strange search-engine queries (499)

People look for stuff. This has been true of the World Wide Web ever since it went, um, World Wide back in the 1990s. I figure, the very least I can do is try to find what they’re looking for, and this is what the logs are for.

how to get rid of texting sound on galaxy prevolt:  Maybe if you don’t actually text.

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  Describe a method of destroying said subculture once and for all.

i hope they serve beer in hell:  They do. However, the British provided the refrigeration system.

we first knew them as the cute:  “Who are the major consumers of cosmetic surgery?”

too large penis:  Yeah, tell me another one, Stubby.

teenagers spend billions of dollars on stereo equipment and compact discs. they have the ability:  To deafen you at great distances.

world tour fishing couldn’t connect to gate server:  Insufficient bait.

how to hump a stuffed animal if your a girl:  Actual girls would never, ever have to ask this.

extreme jailbait:  You’re thinking of zygotes.

four winds revolving restaurant half price:  Must have been the day they could muster up only two winds.

spoony’s brother killed a man:  Doo-dah, doo-dah.

she’s got bite marks on her tongue:  All the doo-dah day.

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Strange search-engine queries (498)

This is the usual Monday-morning romp through the thicket of search strings that’s grown up around this site. You may have seen it once or twice before. (To the handful of you who have seen all 498 of these: what should you have been doing instead?)

james bond nightflies highly compressed working game download:  I suspect when James Bond is working, the entire timeline is highly compressed.

a flower for everybody:  Covered with bees?

mesonet cool machine the joker yet babe youtube:  Maybe if we give everybody a flower.

Latina nudists:  We will have no jokes about brown people.

if bribes cost $1:  A lot of people would move out of Washington in search of a better place to earn a dishonest living.

you probably believe that the earth is spherical:  What’s more, I think this song is about me.

pony in a car:  Let’s hope the seats are adjustable.

my child won’t stop talking:  Yet when said child is very quiet, you will immediately become suspicious.

justin bieber sagging:  He does seem to be aging a bit quicker than normal.

how to get lots of subscribers on youtube fast and free:  Improve the quality of the crap you’ve been posting.

guys comparing penis size:  They’re always doing that for some ungodly reason.

guy pout:  He came up short in the comparison.

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Strange search-engine queries (497)

Comes Monday, and comes once more this weekly feature of the wackiest search strings that got this site up in people’s browsers. We do this because (1) it’s weirdly popular and (2) it’s less effort than actually writing something.

sanrio lawsuits etsy:  Because Hello Kitty belongs to the world — except, of course, for you and your little online store.

explained the deviation from the life cycle model for an 40 year old married male,self employed with:  An active Tinder account and a suspicious spouse.

teen in thongs with cameltoe non nude:  Technically, if she’s wearing that much, she’d have to be “non nude,” doncha think?

knee appalling tan:  You know, you probably shouldn’t have had that stuff sprayed on while you were seated.

how to make viagra at home for men:  You’ll need a can of spray starch and a pair of forceps.

find a company that will deliver a storage unit to my door orinda ca:  Having a storage unit by the door probably violates a town ordinance.

rebecca black high school:  Who would have thought they’d ever name a high school after Rebecca Black?

is oklahoma on a fault line:  Naw. All these earthquakes are caused by guys in $500 cars with $1500 stereos.

jersey barrier mover:  Gonna take more than your feeble F-250 duallie, bucko.

would like to swing on a star:  Here’s a jar. Don’t come back until you’ve crammed it full of moonbeams.

jose had a small bag of marshmallows. the bag contained 5 pink:  Which for no apparent reason he ate last.

the endochronic properties of resublimated thiotimoline:  We already got to that next week.

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