Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (482)

How this works: Every week, several hundred people arrive at this site from various search engines. Most of them are looking for fairly ordinary stuff. The rest are scrutinized by our voracious staff, and selections are made, based purely on the basis of snark potential. It’s funny when it works.

song “sweet violets” sweeter than all the roses from Fritz among the gypsies:  And ever since that time, something substantially screwed has been described as “on the Fritz.”

what fuse number for overdrive for 1996 mercury mystic:  I’ll bet you donuts to dog turds it’s not the fuse that’s on the fritz.

1995 ford probe overdrive light flashing:  Hint: it’s not the fuse.

paypal overpayment by quadrillions:  Not to worry. They’ll reclaim the funds, a few trillion at a time.

On the following map, identify these city elements: original city center, older auto suburbs, newer auto suburbs, streetcar suburbs:  I’m betting this is not a map of Snake’s Navel, Nebraska, and that the whining little putz looking for this does all his homework this way.

tyronza ark.nude local girls:  I don’t think girls are even allowed to be nude in Arkansas. And how many could there be in Tyronza, population 762?

exhibitionist nude in public on library pubic and.walking fully nude on nude vista:  So we know that this guy (1) has a fixation and (2) isn’t very good at this, since, per the string, he’s looking for Web pages and not images.

2002 mazda mpv harsh shiffting repairs:  You know, if I could collect a dime from every loser out there praying for an easy fix to his slushbox woes, I could probably get out of debt in a week.

90 model mazda 626 o/d off:  That’ll be 10 cents.

1999 mazda 626 shifting erratic:  Make that 20 cents.

credit card company fico score bank of america providian:  Of course, Providian doesn’t exist any more; it was taken over by Washington Mutual, which doesn’t exist anymore. At no point, though, does this chain lead to Bank of America.

www.which tyre sizes are recommended for mazda cronos 1990-1997 model 2 l 4 cyl sedan:  Did it ever occur to you to look at the sidewall of your actual tyres, Nigel?

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Strange search-engine queries (481)

The reason this weekly feature exists is simply that one day I was glancing at the logs, noting that some of the URLs contained embedded search strings, and that some of those search strings were slightly weird. (Not that the things I search for aren’t weird, but that’s another matter.) I figured the least I could do is get some blogfodder out of it, and here we are, about a decade later.

Голая слилин дион:  So far as I can tell, this is “naked Celine Dion.” More than that, I don’t want to know.

wile e. coyote breakaway mug:  So Acme’s getting into housewares now. Hmmm.

cavitational force:  In the new Disneyfied Star Wars universe, this is part of the Dark Side, in which Darth Decay sends forth his minions to infiltrate your gums.

“bobby russell” cd “go chase your rainbow”:  Is there a place you can buy it on Franklin Pike Circle?

personal items from estate of late karen carpenter:  Including six sets of drumsticks, a case of Chloraseptic, and birds who suddenly appear.

what happens when you hold your breath and bite your tongue:  You survive yet another presidential campaign.

how do i know if my transmisson is going on my 2000 mazda 626:  It’s 15 years old. Of course it’s going.

cast your fate to the wind the original hit:  This is not the one you were expecting, but it’s the correct one:

Black Orpheus by Vince Guaraldi

That Sounds Orchestral British Invasion version was still a couple of years away.

enjoy blues ocaine boggie my way home messing with the blues:  Sounds to me like you’re messing with something already, and it rhymes with “ocaine.”

imagine the us congress is considering legislation that will ban mtbe:  You get enough people whining about it, you could get Congress to consider legislation that would ban stretch marks, peach pits, or the heartbreak of psoriasis.

it didn’t down on me that there might be a few holes in my education:  For instance, how to spell “dawn.”

“bob licht” basketball divorce:  It was inevitable, once he caught her Spalding.


Strange search-engine queries (480)

Most sites that sift through the logs are looking for patterns of some sort in the hope that they can somehow monetize those particular user behaviors. We do it to find something to laugh at on a Monday morning. And who’s to say which of us is right? (Hint: I am.)

the mouse denny randell copyright:  And you ask me, he’s welcome to it.

older women nudiarist:  Not everyone who doffs her duds at the beach is going to be twenty-three and cute as a button, and you may as well get used to that fact.

how to replace a back of a cloth bucket seat on a fifteenhundred g.m.c. pick up 2003:  As they say to the guys at the nude beach: “Throw a towel over it.”

vanessa steele:  Like vanadium steel, but easier to work with.

breaking trucking news:  This one guy broke his truck while speeding up on the Belle Isle Bridge on a slushy winter day.

ford laser transmission hold light flashing:  Congratulations. You may already have bought a new vintage-Nineties Blue Oval-branded slushbox.

English names of sports teams:  Or, trickier, names of English sports teams.

liverwurst october 1st:  Don’t even be thinking about it in April.

what solenoid causes o/d off light on 2003 mazda:  The one you haven’t replaced yet.

fb_action_types Dog.likes:  There are dogs on Facebook, and I’ve friended one, but he doesn’t post much for some reason.

Jedediah Bila nude pictures:  Well, at least it’s not Bill O’Reilly.

is dustbury own now:  Honey, we’ve been owned for years.


Strange search-engine queries (479)

Easter week generally results in much-diminished traffic around here, mostly because people suddenly discover they have better things to do than Web surfing. Still, we trudge on through the routine, because that’s how we roll.

lyrics to dose your chewinggum lose its flavour by loney donigan:  But your father says “Don’t chew it!”

cd4e is there fluid when i drop the pan:  If there isn’t, you just bought a new slushbox.

images of tg&y on n.e.23rd street in okc in the 60s and 70s:  Really, all those TG&Y stores looked alike.

2008 mazda tribute has a noise in the front and nobody knows what is the problem:  Let me see if I have this straight. People who have looked at your car can’t determine the problem, so you’re going to try asking people who haven’t looked at your car. What’s wrong with this picture?

yellow times,november,2002:  A jaundiced age, to be sure.

reed krakoff 4 inch heel review comfortable:  Because if it feels good on some random Zappos user, it’s got to feel good on you, right?

poynhvb.(om:  You know, Junior, your mom can figure out your history log even when you misspell things.

Where the babes are:  Or when you don’t.

how to reset a mazda 626 o/d sensor:  (1) Remove the old sensor. (2) Set a new one in its place. How hard can that be?

science fiction sextubes:  If they’re anything like the Jefferies tubes aboard Federation spacecraft, no big deal.

transmission oilpump seal on 2001 mazda 626:  That’s why they fired that guy at SeaWorld: he blew a seal.

porsche 911 carrera named after Barbara carrera:  Just wait until Taylor Swift finds there’s a Suzuki named after her.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (478)

This is that March-going-out-like-a-lamb period, and the flock here has been pretty placid, but some parts of the country are experiencing Killer Sheep, which may explain that new supermarket up the road which looked like it was designed by a cocker spaniel. In the meantime, we have search strings.

warner brothers “the greatest hits album” spirit in the sky pata pata:  Miriam Makeba has passed on, so I’m guessing this is Norman Greenbaum on patrol.

lesley gore on Ellen:  It’s a rerun; LG is no longer with us. And incidentally, she was never on Warner Bros.

heir to the massengill fortune:  Wait for probate. Should happen on a Summer’s Eve.

el ford gearbox problems:  Shouldn’t that be Los Ford Gearbox Problems?

mazda 626 gear box replacement costs:  A tonne of money. Perhaps you can borrow a box from one of los Fords.

why does odo light stay on my 2003 mazda tribute:  Wait until he finds out that it’s not Odo, or indeed any shapeshifter at all.

“abuse of police authority” “Washington State” -domestic: So: imported, then?

jedediah bila upskirt:  For those of you who were wondering if there was any reason in the world to watch Fox News.

sextube meta  For those too jaded to get their jollies from Fox News.

ivy retardation:  This is the phenomenon that makes people come out of Cornell dumber than their peers at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.

aol transition to apple id:  You have through today. Get with it.

Imaginary haters:  Approximately 30 percent of Twitter traffic at any given moment.

“To you I’m sure Twilight Sparkle is just a cartoon character you think is really hot”:  Well, not just.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (477)

To much of the nation, the first calendar days of spring looked pretty much indistinguishable from the latter days of winter; logically, the first of these romps through the logs this spring should look rather a lot like the last few, and of course it does.

why weren’t brian hyland’s songs released in stereo?  They were cursed by a gypsy woman.

how do you adjust throttle pressure in the transmission of a 1995 ford conto:  That’s “Contour,” and if you have to ask, you don’t need to be trying it yourself.

meaning of “ask me about my vow of silence”:  I can’t answer that, for reasons which should be obvious.

bandage mummification:  Preferred for longevity reasons over, say, Saran Wrap.

Namenda XR Impurities:  Well, yeah, that’s what you get from using those mysterious online pharmacies who send you email.

“Strategic Resource” hack company:  They’ve never struck me as being hacks.

85yrs.old granny and still having sex:  And most assuredly, not with you.

1998 Mazda 626 transmission filter how much is a new one:  About thirty bucks, plus two thousand to install.

average weight of a mazda:  With or without a new transmission filter?

it’s the plastic warner brothers:  Except for Jack L. Warner, who was always aluminum.

If you were designing a new luxury car:  I’d want it to have a comfort level appropriate to Princess Celestia, but with controls that wouldn’t baffle Fluttershy.

rainbow dash car:  It needs to be about 20 percent faster.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (476)

Thirty years into the domain-name system as we know it, it’s obvious that there isn’t yet a domain for every single conceivable interest, and there probably never will be. Which is just as well, since I wouldn’t want to be the person running, say,

calera oklahoma prostitute ring:  Calera’s not a big town; it’s more of an ellipse.

what does strictly enforced mean on Creek Turnpike:  Run through the tollgate at 80 mph and you’ll find out for yourself quickly enough.

mazda transmission troubleshooting:  At this point, about all you can do is shoot it.

can i put a ford contour transmission in my 2003 mazda 626?  No. Now get your gun.

nancy snyderman net worth:  NBC sent her off with six months’ separation allowance and a year’s supply of Band-Aids.

embrace the many colored beast:  Um, that’s “beast of color.”

jimmy flintstone kit 1963 peterbilt pickup truck finished:  As distinguished from the Fred Flintstone kit, which looked barely begun.

is rustproofing a car in washington state worth it?  It’s probably worthwhile, though you should question the dealer’s desire to charge you $1500 for it.

fred herrera los angeles california:  Which, you have to admit, is a more likely location for a guy named Fred Herrera than, say, Reykjavik, Iceland.

it’s a beautiful day litigation:  Says the lawyer before the mirror every morning.

kiwi vs shinola:  No one will ever accuse you of not knowing shit from Kiwi.

face of a hill:  You don’t need to be seeing my face.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (475)

Once again, it’s time to take a cool, refreshing dip into the search strings piling up over there in the corner, in the hopes of finding something worth singling out. It is not always easy; then again, it is not always entertaining, either.

what happened to Kali Altrox:  It wasn’t my week to watch her.

Blessed are the Pessimists for they hath made backups:  Ah, yes, from the Sermon on the Mounted External Drive.

2001 mazda 626 transmission shifts hard from reverse to forward:  The replacement won’t do that, of course.

qustions about changing transmission in a 92 ford probe from a mazda:  Don’t bother. There are only nine transmissions left in the country, and the one you’ll get is the one you had six rebuilds ago.

mazda 626 1986 automatic transmission:  Talk to that Ford guy who just went by.

how to get free beer from hooters:  Trust me, anything you get from hooters will cost you in the end.

apple ht204268:  This was not the B-side to “Hey Jude,” no matter what you heard.

ford festive hold function:  I can’t recall any incident of being held in a Ford that was in any way festive.

hoosier twang:  Larry Bird always talks like that.

flatratetech dealers first to feel tech shortage pinch:  Don’t be silly. If the dealer thinks he might feel a pinch, the first thing he does is figure out a way to pass the pinchage on to you.

mazda 626 weight ratio:  One Mazda 626 weighs approximately as much as 3,000 lb of ground round.

selective blinders:  Will keep you focused on the forest without having to wonder about those treelike entities on the margins.

sexy motherson hamasone:  This sounds either incestuous or … never mind. I don’t even want to think about Hamas.

acknowledging “one’s pluck” a compliement:  No. Now pluck off.


Strange search-engine queries (474)

If you’re new here, and there is at least a measurable possibility that you are, here’s the deal: we look for search strings inside the URLs that brought people to this site, and we hope they’re amusing enough to snark about, otherwise we’ve wasted the entire morning so far. (We may have wasted it anyway, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.)

reapair cast transmission plate on pump mazda tribute:  Um, no. You buy the new and improved plate from Ford, which has only been out for, oh, sixteen years or so.

driven gear housing for 5 speed transmission for 90 ford probe:  Another Ford part (maybe, since Mazda was building stick shifts for Ford in that era), even older.

beauty product:  Probably not a Ford part. [Note: The URL contains the string “start=3200,” which means this guy was digging way deep.]

34th and vine los angeles:  They don’t actually intersect, which should tell you something about that love potion you seek.

chuck berry drummer at disneyland for my ding a ling:  Very difficult to tell. Chuck, sensibly, will play with anyone so long as he gets paid.

Download Dizzy Lizzy compilation trance 2002:  Someone getting dizzy from trance? Unpossible.

wb loss lerders:  I’m at a loss trying to figure out how one lerds.

jenny boylan pantyhose:  Gentlemen prefer Hanes — but if you were truly a gentleman, you wouldn’t be asking about the lady’s personal stuff.

sherily fenn sex scenes:  That’s “Sherilyn.” Or “Miss Fenn” to you, bucko.

is motown studio/museum owned by satanist?  There used to be a devil with a blue dress on, hanging around Detroit, but I don’t think she was all that interested in real estate.

rhino seal big daddy:  The seal of approval, no doubt.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (473)

You think a visit from the Siberian Express is going to derail this regular-ish Monday-morning feature? Not on your tintype, Bunkevitch.

how u use oh yeah in a sentence:  I guess someone who uses “u” as a pronoun (Prince excepted) might have trouble with something as nuanced as “oh yeah.”

was new haven leader february 2003 new haven missouri girl 15 shot:  Seems like a desperate attempt to avoid a paywall.

compression mazda 626:  I saw one at a scrap-metal yard. Compressed to about 10 cubic feet, it was.

is mazda 626 front or real wheel drive:  Depends on the year. (Didn’t think of that, did you?)

tales of horny invisible woman:  You’re assuming that her partners actually lived to tell the tale.

she has a magical cloak that turns her invisible:  Yeah, but if she gets horny she has to take it off.

what is hardassery:  Normal behavior, as viewed by contemporary leftists.

if you go to your science drive in the u.s stats that rank 40th 41st 47th and 49th in population you will be unable to see something visible in all the other:  Well, actually, no, you won’t, because the fact that you pasted in all this crap from your homework rather than do the search tells me that you couldn’t find your butt with both hands.

cd4e diagnostics:  Anything to get out of going to an actual mechanic, eh?

Compare Lotus case to migingo island case:  “You can’t stop me, so nyah.”

krov 91.7 hd2 didn’t get on hd radio:  Such a shame. Did you tell the management? (Of course not. What was I thinking?)

gelar and boy hoad pechars:  This is not my field of expertise, but I’d bet that boy’s too young for that sort of thing.

sam nickle comments on grabbing 134th boobs very hard:  After about the 90th, they’re pretty much all alike.

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Strange search-engine queries (472)

If your next question is “Why does this feature appear on Monday?” the answer is that it serves as a reset to the week, a kick out of glorious weekend mode and a return to the drably usual and/or the usually drab. At least, that’s the excuse I’m using this week.

1986 mazda 626 tyre sizes:  Um, did it ever occur to you to look on one of your actual tyres? They don’t emboss all that stuff on the sidewall to look cool at motorway speeds.

“kim rollins” “first blog”:  At the moment, you stand a better chance of finding an autographed copy of the Gospel of Luke.

what most common CD4E part to fail:  The fluid, of course.

poynhvb:  Seventy points in Scrabble if you play it all at once.

car dealers have realized how profitable it can be to sell automobile using the web. pretend you work for a local car dealership that is part of a large chain such:  that it will consolidate all its franchises into a single superstore and let go half the staff. It was always such.

kc auto dealer girlfreinds sluts:  Okay, maybe not half the staff.

tpir gwendolyn osborne xxx:  Going to play Pocket Plinko, are you?

pulsating lights in 1999 Mazda 626:  I suppose it’s better than LEDs below the door frames.

warner brothers loss leader prices:  Then: two bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

nudist publications from the 1950s:  Then: five bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

pictures of all the limousines that belong to the Doobie Brothers:  They’re hidden behind the train station in China Grove.

modogams:  Well, you know, there are worse things in life than Maureen Dowd’s legs:

Somewhat stylized picture of Maureen Dowd

Although you kind of wonder what things would be like were they attached to somebody else.


Strange search-engine queries (471)

As Web features go, this one is relatively simple: peruse the logs, pull out the search strings where available, and snicker at the best (or worst) ones. We’ve been doing this for weeks now.  You’d hardly need Google to find something like that.

earning over 583 million dollars worldwide. At the 85th Academy Awards: Actually, that string of digits wasn’t an income statement: it was part of the credits to Life of Pi.

invisible femmes:  Sorry, haven’t seen ’em.

histori Skand chuck fabrics ab sweden:  When I was a youngster, Swedes, especially in movies I wasn’t allowed to see, were chucking fabric left and right.

vidéos seniors daddies gay:  I guess they were a bit straighter in their younger days.

youtube “bad a base no trouble”  And I thought I had trouble with misheard lyrics.

overdrive light off comes on on 1995 ford probe:  Not to worry. Before long, you’ll be surrounded by lights, probably at Mac’s Garage.

is a 2000 mazda 626 fwd:  Yes, unless the overdrive off light comes on, in which case it will become 0wd.

hindi youngastar mp3:  Said star apparently doesn’t have enough clout yet to call for an end to questionable downloading.

phil spector back to mono:  Is that before or after “back to jail”?

petticoat rule:  That’s probably Uncle Joe, especially if he’s moving kinda slow at the junction.

VW passat firing order 2.0turbo:  Where I come from, you show up with a 2.0 Passat, the order will come down for you to be fired.

Witness the funk (WTF) flank zone:  Doesn’t sound like a place I’d want to park my flank.

hard sex_which makes a woman cry_video:  No, woman, no cry. No video at all. Nobody see.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (470)

Of course, for me, the great disappointment of the 49th Super Bowl was that the 49ers didn’t make it. I’m funny/weird/creepy that way.

what is eternal server 500:  What you get when the machines have recognized your presence and have vowed to thwart you.

transmission extraction barin kit:  Barin? Wasn’t he a friend of Flash Gordon’s? And why would he be doing transmission work?

mckuen friendly sounds:  Most of Rod McKuen’s works were friendly, with the possible exception of his English lyric for “Seasons in the Sun.”

what size tires on my 87 626 mazda:  Should we tell him that’s it’s right there on the tire? (Naw. Let him wonder what sort of wizardry is performed in the back room at Pep Boys.)

mazda 626 transmission positions:  I hear Pep Boys is hiring.

my o/d light flashes with a harsh engagement on drive and reverse and gears on mazda 626:  And you haven’t called the tow truck yet? Tsk.

Transmission Problems with changes:  The major issue is wallet depletion, though this doesn’t affect the transmission directly.

what chemical is in wtf:  Tungsten and fluorine, bonded by disbelief.

o daddy your big hamster:  You’ve been getting into the WTF again, haven’t you?  If you know the name of the site, why would you have to search for it?

credit card company fico score bank of america providian:  Because those scores are right there on the Web where everybody can see them. (And Providian is dead, dead, dead.)

senator robert milacek and jim inhofe:  “I’ll take Politicians Past Their Sell-By Date for $1000, Alex.”

what happened with rebecca black at playlist:  She didn’t tell you, either? Damn.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (469)

Monday always (well, almost always) brings a fresh set of search strings, which we’ve examined for snark potential. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which is funnier: the string from the person who knows how to search efficiently, or the string from the person who doesn’t. We, of course, don’t care.

what’s the purpose of hold in mazda 626:  You’d think possession of an owner’s manual was a felony or something.

98 Mazda 626 4 cylinder automatic erratic shifting and blinking overdrive light:  While you’re being towed to the mechanic’s for a rebuild, give thanks that you no longer have to deal with “hold.”

ford telstar cuts out when shift to drive or reverse:  While you’re being towed to the mechanic’s for a rebuild, give thanks that at least it wasn’t a Mazda 626.

anti-destination:  So you’re the one sabotaging all these people’s cars.

master tape Sally Goes Round The Roses:  Saddest thing on the Internet / People wanting stuff they cannot get.

parella lewis nipples:  And the number of the items shall be two.

ununquaternium:  Now really, Mr. Freberg, that’s a double negative.

is oklahoma city traffic commission broadcast:  Not at this time. I suspect one of the commissioners is stuck on I-44 near I-40.

woolery avant garde fly with me:  Chuck would be happy to fly, but right now he’s stuck on I-44 near I-40.

first thousand years is the hardest:  Yeah, that’s what they said back in 3004 BC.

After wearing seat belts became mandatory, drivers reacted by driving faster and less carefully. This is consistent with what Principle of Economics?  In this case, it’s the one that says I can charge you $100 an hour to do your homework, with a two-hour minimum.

derpy thelonious monk:  Straight, no muffin.


Strange search-engine queries (468)

During the past week, nearly a thousand people visited this site who weren’t among the regular readers: they were Looking For Something. Sometimes the Something for which they’re Looking demands some kind of response, if only a wisecrack. The solution? You’re soaking in it.

nanoskirt femtoskirt:  For those of you who thought microskirts and miniskirts were insufficiently revealing.

hershey cadbury lawsuit 2015:  This is about those damn creme eggs, isn’t it?

latest sunrise ever:  It’s the one that never comes, because the sun has finally burned itself out.

check engine light off won’t come on on02 mazda 626:  Do you have any idea how many people would be freaking grateful for such an occurrence?

found female cat on N.w Sheridan Ave Okc:  Good for you. Now try putting this on Twitter, where it’s more likely to be read before the poor cat suffers further.

scrotum flapping around:  I suggest you throw something over it before it gets used as a cat toy.

inverse of gentrification:  Those of us who have lived there called ’em “the projects.”

626 y5 gearbox changing in hold only:  Pretty much all powertrain questions boil down to this: “What can I do that won’t cost me anything?” The answer, almost always, is Nothing.

Is Cerulean Studios profitable:  They’re not making a dime off me, anyway. what mileage should injectors for mazda cronos be changed:  One mile before they fail.

all cats are grey in the dark example ayuda:  First thing you need to do is turn out all the lights.

they expected the ocean something big something colossal but they were served instead with some agitated water in a saucer:  This is basically the first semester of Advertising and Marketing 101.

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Strange search-engine queries (467)

If you’re new here: in this feature we sort through the logs and look for people’s search strings, and mock them when we can. This is partially in the spirit of Je suis Charlie — satire is the one true Fair Game — but mostly because we need to fill up this space on a Monday morning.

mazda 6 erratic shifting not starting:  Well, if it won’t start, what difference does it make how it shifts?

yujawang legs:  Find her piano, check just north of the pedals.

big daddy hamster:  Has his very own Man Cage.

“dosalike”:  Which will come in handy if anyone ever makes a followup to DESQview.

1968 hot 100 love machine:  And 57 years later, you can’t even get parts for it.

sox stereo to mono remix:  So basically, you’re looking to lose one sock?

Mazda 626 transmission leaks at extension housing:  Um, fix the leak.

94 mazda 626 transmission fluid boiling:  Well, thank God it isn’t leaking.

What is the code written in the illuminatium testament:  Probably COBOL. (There is no COBOL.)

how to reset nissan bluebird slphy seat belt after accident:  The body shop will do that for you, if there’s enough of the body left to send to the shop.

flakier than a biscuit:  Yes, sir, Mr. Vice President, sir.

jedediah bila stilletos:  Trust me, she takes those damn things off the moment she gets home.

“Rebecca Black is sweet”:  Just don’t get up in her face, or she’ll turn tart in a matter of moments. Her moments.


Strange search-engine queries (466)

Why, yes, this feature has been going on for a long, long time, as the number implies. (Here’s the first episode.) So long as people hunt down weird stuff, I may as well reveal it.

will ford bring back the probe:  Not even for you, sweet cheeks.

reggie jackson flin flon:  What, is the D-League expanding into Manitoba?

susanna hoffs shower scene:  Good heavens, someone hasn’t seen The Allnighter.

functions of hold in mazda premacy:  Dear automakers: You may as well quit printing up those expensive owner’s manuals, since nobody is even looking at them.

www.whaddem porno .com:  Whad ya talkin bout?

mazda 6 5 speed automatic gearbox faults:  Unless I miss my guess, you’re already looking at one.

one is never too old to yearn meaning:  Some are, however, too dumb to comprehend even the simplest expressions.

I will drink the wine while it is warm, meaning:  You’re never too old to yearn.

what vehicles have cd4e transmission:  Did you try Wikipedia? (Of course not.)

parella lewis breasts:  Typically, two, situated side-by-side.

illuminatium page 57:  Visit your local Fnord dealer for complete details.

hong call miss glass of mr pibb theory:  Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.


Strange search-engine queries (465)

In some cultures, we’re in the midst of a holiday season; in others, not so much. (Me, I rather look forward to Equestria’s Summer Sun Celebration, which normally occurs around our June 21st, for certain values of “our.”) If you are, or if you aren’t, I hope your days are going well.

france nuyen marlon brando:  From the days when Hollywood romances might have meant something.

2001 mazda 626 transmission recall:  I don’t recall any such recall.

Boys/men petticoated through the ages:  One hopes it ends around the age of nine.

xcx roman numeral:  Not likely: this is -10+100+10 = 100, which is more easily written as C. (As in Charli.)

the invisible woman 1983 online:  I was starting to get online myself in those days, and I don’t remember seeing her.   Um, nice mubis.

hold transmission ford telstar 1997:  Not a chance. That sucker weighs hundreds of pounds, even empty.

Slang Words No Longer Used:  Yeah, but were I to use them, they’d no longer be “no longer used.”

“I’m not quite as dumb as I seem” line from a song?  This again? How long has this been going on?

santa claus monopoly:  If you’re thinking of making a grievance of it, hold that thought until the next Festivus.

inseam actress is here at xxx video download:  I’m guessing she’s, um, sorta tall?

you wont get rid of me that easily:  But it will still be worth the effort in the long run.

seasons greasings:  And a happy new gear.

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Strange search-engine queries (464)

The first batch of search strings since the beginning of winter. What does this portend? Nothing much, probably.

nicole petallides nude pics:  Yeah, you wish.

romantically yours twiggy:  Yeah, I wish.

is the la4a-el hard to build:  That depends. If you’re a transmission guy, probably not. If all you know is LEGO, you’ve got problems.

assforgascom:  Damned exchange rates are all messed up.

uranus lipton:  I don’t care if it’s brisk.  I hope to hell this guy is planning on laying linoleum.

troubleshooting 1997 mazda 626 fuel injection:  Either (1) you have fuel or (2) you don’t have fuel. This isn’t exactly rocket science.

5F31J hard:  You’d complain if it was too soft.

ivy retardation:  Yeah, we had to hold it back a year, the poison wasn’t developing on schedule.

rebuilding mazada 626 transmission:  I’m figuring if you can’t read the nameplate on the car, you sure as hell can’t read a service manual.  Four. O. Four.

cast your fate to the wind:  You do that here and it’s liable to end up on your face.


Strange search-engine queries (463)

Taylor Swift once wrote a song called “Back to December.” It had nothing whatever to do with this stuff, which is scraped out of the logs in a desperate attempt to find something amusing on a Monday morning.

don alverzo wiki:  You’d think people would check Wikipedia for wiki entries, but maybe not.

2001 mazda 626 and transmission problems:  Go together like a horse and carriage.

dolichocephaly cleese:  Not the lost nephew of John Cleese. I think.

on MTV who got Punk’d when they were told there’d $250,000 Porsche was stolen:  Not the lost nephew of John Cleese. I think.

jordache lard ass jeans:  Not actually made by Jordache.

pole vault plant box padding:  You might try cutting up some old worn-out jeans.

spearsling:  Britney’s daughter — some day.

rebecca romijn body paint see:  This is why Sports Illustrated has a swimsuit issue.

calf falsies:  Raw material for Mystery Veal.

nice japanese daddy:  He’ll wear the Hello Kitty sweater you bought him, and smile the whole time.

SupraModem 2400:  But was it Hayes-compatible?

well turned ankle:  Good at a fashion show; not so good at an NBA game.


Strange search-engine queries (462)

Another week goes by, another set of logs is completed, and another round of “Someone actually Googled that?” ensues. By now, you know the drill. “originals”:  I could see why someone might want to look for the first version of a graphic file, given the potential for copyright issues; how they landed on a page with no actual graphics other than those inherent in the design theme is beyond me.

need to no what the gross weight of a 9azda millieum2.5 engine:  If this is the way you write, God help you working on a modern (well, 1990s) engine.

Horatio Prim and Melody Allen:  Ladies and gentlemen, your Two Thousand Fourteen Homecoming King and Queen!

kabb 29 fox news anorexic anchor:  An unhealthy-looking female anchor? On Fox? Unpossible!

gants shos and chapl style:  Let not mere spelling dissuade you from the pursuit of stylishness.

1918-2011 what year americans pay less so gallon gas pump:  This somehow reeks of radio-station call-in contest. First prize is a gallon of 1918 gas, with an octane rating you would not believe. (Same guy asked this twice, with marginally different wording.)

sheilabilyeu/wiva:  Sheila? Is that you? Come home, all is forgiven.

crossdressing tattoed pierced stories:  I think you’ve tripped the site’s Kink-O-Meter.

what is milfingly milf:  None of your milfing business.

mazda protege 5 with blinking o/d chaged gear to low at hwy:  I believe the applicable phrase is “Sucks to be you.”

what is the new old fashioned way:  Ask Brenda Lee at Bigelow 6-200.

Incidentally, if they ever pass a law requiring that the buyer of a car be able to spell the name on the badge, Mazda is doomed.


Strange search-engine queries (461)

As God is my witness, I thought turkey could digest by now. While I wait, the usual dyspeptic responses to the week’s odder search strings.

what is hold in automatic gearbox:  Evidence of inability to read the manual.

bulldog smasher lp:  Doesn’t work very well, unless you have some multi-record set like Chicago at Carnegie Hall. Otherwise, the dog just glares at you.

amanda d stanford playboy:  I don’t stock back issues, and anyway her name isn’t Stanford.

mazda 626 2l carb size:  Oh, it’s about yea big.

what does the song red ragtop mean?  If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be out screwing in somebody’s convertible.

how do you adjust the shift patterns on a 2001 ford escape:  If you wanted it to shift where you wanted it to, you should have bought the stick shift, Bunkie.

zooey deschanel thick ankles:  This again? Because it obviously didn’t stop you from trying to look up her skirt.

sexymobi:  I just wonder how many times this scrub had to swipe before getting here, which is as unsexy a place as exists this side of Hudson Bay.

McChrystal “germans bombed pearl Harbour”:  Nor was it over then, I might add.

waterlog in microsoft word:  Hey, you’re lucky it isn’t a backlog.

A British boy, Ayan Qureshi, is now a Microsoft Certified Professional after passing the:  River Styx.

how dare you Glare me meaning:  Let’s just say you’ve been awarded some shade.

the size of dan blocker penis:  Hint: he wasn’t the one who played Little Joe.


Strange search-engine queries (460)

And here we are again, with another set of Actual Search Strings that brought people to this very site. We do this once a week because frankly it pains us to look through the tediousness of quotidian log entries.

“rob lincoln” “5 cents a song” tongue and groove:  Lincoln’s on the penny, so we’re actually robbing him five times as much.

crackhead hooker in chucktown:  Right now, she’s busy robbing Lincoln.

mangu shep boobs image:  I’m guessing this probably isn’t Old Shep.

penthouse letters pony tales:  Oh, dear, Blueblood’s been writing to Bob Guccione again.

xxx little dashie brothers Sister:  Sorry, we’re not doing pony pr0n here.

favorate hebephilia pictures:  That either.

Sexy Village Girl Very Excited on her First:  Amazing how people can have such specific fantasies and yet are so tediously generic in Real Life.

joanne crawford charged sapulpa:  In a better economy, she could charge as much as Jenks.

mazda fn4a-el how many miles:  How about 300? Is 300 good for you?

old ilfs:  No ilfs of that ilk, sorry.

there was speculation leading up to the november election that some city council members called “Courageous” such as the street user fee:  Nothing of the kind: it requires no courage to invent new taxes.

will a CD4E fit in a 1999 cougar:  Probably, if you can find one that isn’t totally crap.

opposite of nostalgia:  TV Land.

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Strange search-engine queries (459)

We had snow this past weekend, and of course were lectured about it by the same buffoons who blamed us for the “hottest October on record.” Which is one reason I continue to do this series: at least it’s meaningful and verifiable. latrine kapok video com:  Clearly this guy doesn’t understand the implications of the term “latrine.” (Or worse, he does.)

john bair tulsa world hatchet man:  Replaced by a lobbyist, now that the Whirled is owned by Berkshire Hathaway.

xcx roman numerals:  Doesn’t mean a thing, unless your name is Charli.

1986 mazda 626 reliability:  Um, it’s 28 years old. Be grateful it starts.

mazda 626 1988 1992 tyres manual:  Of course they are. There aren’t any automatic tyres to be had anywhere.

green giant jingle source:  Did you check the valley?

bacon helper:  Harrumph. Bacon doesn’t need your help.

plus Matthew will make lives a little easier which includes everyone he challenged as this was the internal Matthew challenge fade which is came about Matthew was:  “Oh, no,” shouted Matthew, backing away. “You’re not gonna drag my name into this!”

justin hayward karaoke bar my funny valentine:  Tuesday afternoon, was it?

live large drive small:  And strive for mediocrity elsewhere.

before bedtime last night, four of veronica’s relatives (including her brother) helped her act out the story of the three bears. veronica played goldilocks and:  Was promptly eaten in the second act, because she was just right.

junk food last supper:  “Judas, did you order the onion rings?”

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Strange search-engine queries (458)

So you were Googling something in the dead of night, and you were hoping no one was noticing. Maybe no one was. Or, you know … not.

describing someone as fiendishly bright:  Certainly Congress doesn’t have anything to worry about.

www.bollywood shamita  Send this guy back to Domain Registration 101.

1987 626 turbo gear ratio:  That’s probably in the manual.

mazda sedan 626 1988 manual:  I don’t think you’ll find a version that works on a Windows Phone.

yuja wang exposed:  We don’t expose any Wangs here if we can help it.

extra turkey program songs-babeee go baby go for serenay sarikaya:  Because that’s what we want above all else: extra turkey.

16th girl sax video free download:  Buy your own porn, ya schmuck.

front and rear car spoiler:  The fronts of most cars are spoiled these days by stupid-looking grille treatments intended as brand display.

gorf galaxian1:  Ah, a traditionalist.

what’s it gonna be merv:  Well? Speak up, Merv, we can’t hear you.

petticoat rule:  I think Merv may be exempt.

what are some reasons that make us save the mummer’s theater in okc:  As of now, none.

uses of fule in dustury:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I try to keep my tank full of fule.

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Strange search-engine queries (457)

I had, supposedly, one additional hour to prepare this feature. You’d never know it by looking at it.

pertinent in legalese:  Just about everything, but most especially that three-word throwaway clause on page 5 that nobody else noticed.

is it possible to change mazda 626 fuel injector to carburetor:  Anything is possible if you spend enough money. Do you want to put $3000 into a $2000 car?

92 mazda 626 won’t shift into gear:  That can’t be true. Whoever heard of a transmission failing after a mere 22 years?

Yes, I was just 13, you might say I was a Musical proverbial knee-high…  And if you were a transmission, you were still working, because they never, ever fail.

gearbox size 6 inch specification:  Guy probably really has five and a quarter but can’t bear the embarrassment.

a scheer litho lovely playmate:  By all means, dress her up in something scheer.

porno mamo klack alman:  Some people will read anything as long as it’s dirty, I suppose.

thebigdaddy black older sex with teen free:  Some people will read anything as long as it’s dirty and they don’t have to pay for it, I suppose.

nancy snyderman screwed up:  I’m assuming this is the active voice.

mairej  Well, we told you not everyone was using gmail.

viola davis bow legged:  Yet she’ll crush you like the insect you are.

hln song 2001 atoz:  The only song I ever want to hear on HLN begins “Oh, dear, what can we do? / Nancy Grace left, and we’re feeling blue.”

nina foch pronunciation:  Oh, just foch off already.

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Strange search-engine queries (456)

Hundreds of people drop by this site every week. Sometimes they’re actually looking for something I had to say. And sometimes they’re looking for something else entirely, which may or may not be explainable. Guess which ones land in this space?

explanation of signts on mazda 626 speedometer:  If something’s glowing, you’ve got problems.

faster then my balloot:  I dunno. Some of those balloots are pretty speedy.

china Bus sexymobi:  Doesn’t sound like any Chinese bus I’ve ever heard of.

“with frenulums like these”:  Who needs enemas?

The stoplight had just changed and a 2200kg Cadillac had entered the intersection:  Nice of you to get the curb weight of the vehicle before it hit you.

if you were designing a new luxury car, how would you:  I’d stencil the curb weight on the side, for the benefit of jaywalkers.

actress karina nose is bad at english:  And this is a problem — why, exactly?

Once I Had A Sweetheart Maria Kohnke:  Really? How was her English?

drox cookies:  Either you’re missing part of the name, or you’re stoned out of your gourd.

stamos swim image 1980:  That’s a long time to carry a crush.

tremulous cadence slow:  You might consider throwing her from the balcony.

can a person with a 59 IQ get a drivers license in Oklahoma?  Of course, Senator, but you’ll need the Majority Leader’s signature on your application.

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Strange search-engine queries (455)

What we have here, to be out front about it, is a sampling of search strings that brought people to this very site, and there being over twenty-two thousand pages on said site, it’s surprisingly difficult to construct a search string that can’t land here — which ought to make things easier for me, but seldom does.

will a mazda protege transmission work in a mazda 626:  Won’t work. But go ahead and buy one from the salvage yard. They thrive on stuff like that.

can mazda capella 626 carburator engine be replaced with EFI engine?  Won’t work. But go ahead and buy one from the salvage yard. They thrive on stuff like that.

sexy mature sunbathing with her friends strips to masterbate for them .com:  Mama’s boy never quite grows up, does he?

oklahoma city police drug watch at 625 sw 5 73109:  Yes, guy with iPhone, they’re looking at you.

cute redhead haley walker:  Much more interesting to watch than druggies on SW 5th Street.

dyssynergy dresses:  So badly accessorized that not even cute redheads can wear them.

hot weman that show it all oklahoma:  Is this one of those druggies down on 5th Street?

bollocks past tense:  Never mind the bollocks, unless they’ve been tense for at least four hours; then seek medical attention.

“she only wants to be friends” -ex:  Could she possibly make it any more obvious? Just don’t let it affect the bollocks.

soulmate “previous commitment” “nine years”:  “The one I love,” sang Mr Sinatra, “belongs to somebody else.” So it’s not like you’re experiencing something new and different. Check your bollocks.

phishing amazon canceled:  Oh, yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

or you’ll go the way of the USSR: lots of tanks but no air conditioning:  I hear Siberia is very [redacted] this time of year.

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Strange search-engine queries (454)

In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and wound up taking a wrong turn at the Bermuda Triangle or something. I am not celebrating today, not so much because I have social-justice warrior bona fides to burnish, but simply because I don’t get a day off. And neither does this regular-ish Monday series.

People in this group wake up..its not yet night:  No compelling reason to get up, especially on a Monday.

yours school plans celebration on childrens day and want students to participate wholeheartedly by displaying craft material and other decorative pieces made by them no. one:  Should be “How come we had to come to school today?”

this grp its very uptight and weak.. i thnk i must change the group name -change the:  First, change the idea that you are in charge of naming the group.

Are there transmission problems with 20 year old Mazda SUVs:  They’re 20 years old. What the hell do you think?

sgt. pepper factoids:  Remember when they said “It was twenty years ago today”? Now it’s sixty-seven.

newsok Anthony Caudill marriage:  So it did not occur to you to go to NewsOK first? They do have a search screen of sorts.

Records that were mixed in mono sound clean:  Yeah, but that’s because nobody did very good stereo mixes early on.

round the twist lady disappear episode:  Eventually, the entire series disappeared.

A poster about yourself “Learn me Better”:  The White House is just crammed full of those.

ginny arnell sings Dumb Head in Japanese:  The Japanese surely understand the concept of “dumb.”

daniel cohn-bendit Carmen Bizet:  Actually, Bizet missed the schemes of Danny the Red, having conveniently died ninety-odd years before the 1968 uprising in France.

what are the dials in the seats of the pagani huayra:  They’re for God to remind you that you’re making too damn much money.

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Strange search-engine queries (453)

It’s time once again for a sampling from this site’s search strings, further demonstrating the wisdom of the not-so-old adage that if something might exist on the Web, someone will be out there looking for it.

xxx video. inseam mobi:  I’m guessing this guy is trying to calibrate his smartphone for upskirt photos.

Does a ghost live on altus airforce base:  “Live” is probably not the correct verb here.

adjured thesaurus:  While you’re poking around in there, see if you can find a verb for the activities of ghosts.

what truth about grant shaud’s privates:  Not for you to know, unless you’re Candice Bergen.

2000 mazda 626 automatic how do you turn off fail safe mode:  You fix the problem that induced the mode in the first place. This should be obvious, even to Candice Bergen.

ford transmission FW5519090:  Will not fit in your damn Mazda. Now get to the shop, and bring your MasterCard.

what problems does 1992 mazda 626 have with automatic transmissions:   Well, among other things, being 22 years old is certainly an issue.

1993 mazda 626 tire size:  You have a ’93 626 with no tires from which you can read the size? (Asking for an ex-friend.)

mazda protege trans wont downshiftafter drriving:  If you’re finished driving (never could roll my Rs all that well), you don’t want it to shift at all.

ice yaris velvet chenille:  If Toyota can upgrade the Corolla, surely they can do the same with the Yaris, though this sounds a bit baroque.

Rebecca Romijn Body Painted:  It’s not like she needs any work done or anything.

what happenned to kali atrox?  Haven’t seen her around.

one is never too old to yearn meaning?  Go away, son. You’re too young to be getting into that sort of thing.

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