Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (416)

Warning to Consumers: If you visited a search engine any time between the 12th of January and today, there exists a chance that your search thread may have been captured by the system logs and then revealed to the general public. If this happens to you — well, dumb luck, I guess.

what kind of transmission is in a MX6 V6 stick shift:  Just off the top of my head, I’d say a manual.

when did franklin d roosevelt provide bibles for troops thru american bible soc:  Just off the top of my head, I’d say World War II.

real big and outside nudiarist:  He’s big, but not that big. And yes, he’s probably outside, unless it’s cold out.

leawood boundaries redrawn to exclude Jewish neighborhood:  So far as I can tell, this search did not emanate from Hamas.

keem-o-sabe lyrics the electric indian:  About the same number of words as Neal Hefti’s Batman theme.

SPEEDOMETER, GEARSHIFTDISPLAY, TRANSMISSIONMALFUNCTION:  First, STOP YELLING! Then go get your car fixed, because there isn’t anything you can do about it.

Pony tales pentahouse letters:  The inspiration for about 15 percent of MLP:FiM fanfic.

is a 2001 maxda 626 ford built:  Not technically, although Ford owned half the plant at the time.

stallman has a girlfriend:  Preceded, no doubt, by “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.” See Connie Francis’ “Lipstick on Your Collar” for an example.

will a speed sensor out of a 03 escape transmission fir in a 97 mazda 626:  It might. Doesn’t mean it will work, though.

I haven’t actual credit card to berify i’m beyond age of 18 and actually 44, what now Naughty AND Cheating.com:  Two words: “access denied.”

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Strange search-engine queries (415)

This weekly feature exploits a little-known fact: when you search for something on the Web, the search engine fabricates a URL as referrer, and often that URL contains exactly the string of characters for which you were searching. This is readable if the recipient of the search knows what he’s doing, and often I do.

does my ford escape have a factory engine cooler or transmission cooler:  Um, yes. It’s called a radiator.

jason lackmeyer the underground detective:  Not likely to be noticed by us above-ground types. Sorry.

hair color of Alessandra Ambrosio Circa 2007:  That I wouldn’t know. Have you considered consulting an underground detective?

what does the quote “that government which governs least governs best” mean?  Nothing anymore, since government has shown no signs of wanting to govern best.

Mazdaspeed 6 speed in a ford Probe:  Either sixth gear is too tall, in which case the engine will lug, or it’s too short, in which case you won’t get the extra few mph at the top end that you were expecting.

www.nastypornshots.com:  So basically, you’re going through Google with the hope that no one will read your browser history?

what is the name of the song by Bobby Goldsboro that has the lyrics in it “1432 Franklin Pike Circle Hero”:  Bobby Russell sounds nothing like Bobby Goldsboro.

girl died 1887 rebecca black’s video:  Were that so, she’d still be dead, would she not?

toyota yaris damage bumper suspect meth addicted:  I doubt it. Most low-end Toyotas are perfectly content with unleaded regular; methamphetamine won’t even boost the octane rating.

“Story Of O” jpegs:  At least they weren’t asking for animated GIFs.

a system is to be made which could be used by every age of person like children adults and may require certain modification which features functional and non:  Sensical drivel.

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Strange search-engine queries (414)

Even colder than legendary Lambeau Field is the box where they store the system logs. Time to put on some serious gloves for once, and poke around for something to laugh at.

Troubleshoot Mazda 626 1989 transmission:  Son, the way we do things around here is simple: something gives you trouble, you shoot it.

convective exchange of cerebrospinal fluid with interstitial fluid:  Nice idea, but are the two fluids roughly compatible?

cd4e fill overflow:  Try 10 quarts of cerebrospinal fluid.

Wisdom:  Here? Surely you jest.

osu orange hummer h2 in stillwater oklahoma:  You were expecting maybe K-State Royal Purple?

www.whaddem porno.com:  Ah just don’ unnerstand whaddem porno sites is all about.

Результаты включают ссылки по запросу:  Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.

warr acres cop busted:  You know, it’s hard to see what town you’re in along that stretch of Route 66.

ed ames tennis:  His cup runneth over with sweat.

what is the origin of the term dirtbag:  Like a douchebag, but grittier.

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Strange search-engine queries (413)

For the last time in 2013, we pull up the logs and see what people were searching for — and if it has any amusement value, we stick it here.

the goads so excited:  You won’t be goading me into this no matter what the excitement value.

lateral ara:  I didn’t watch much Notre Dame football, but I don’t remember any instance in which Ara Parseghian called for a lateral.

Wet Bra Problem:  Damn things are hard enough to detach when they’re dry.

jennifer aniston synapse:  In fact, it could be said that she’s got a lotta nerve.

meaning rockin around the christmas tree new old fashioned way:  Every year I have to explain the same damn thing. Next year, Rocko, you’re staying in your room until farging Epiphany.

maintenance history 2002 mazda 626:  Did you ask the owner? Because there’s no chance in hell it’s on the Web.

i accidentally left illegal drugs in my room at hard rock casino in catoosa ok. in my hotel room? what will happen?  Hint: Nobody will turn them in to the Lost and Found.

sluts by mail:  Beware. The handling charge is outrageous.

are .m4a files playable on windows rt:  You’ll need a third-party application. I’d suggest iTunes, but that would be cruel.

Mercury Cougar blowing starter motor fuse when you let off the clutch:  I’m sorry, I sort of drifted off there after “cougar blowing.”

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Strange search-engine queries (412)

And so we come, once again, to the logs, where we shall seek the search strings that make you, or at least me, laugh. It might even work.

what causes mazda famila 2002 model not to respond fast in changing gears at the same time flashing the hold light when driving?  And here’s another guy thinking that he can get a car diagnosed over the Web. If I had a lick of sense, I’d figure out some way to charge for that.

cost to repair broken transmission clip/cable Mazda:  Like that, for instance. (That’ll be $35.00.)

tongue muscle hurt when yawning too hard:  Quit watching NBC. (That’ll be $35.00.)

saints slap house okc ok 73109 christmas haunted attraction:  “Slap house”? Why don’t you stay home and watch a good traditional holiday movie, like, um, Die Hard?

abkco music how long do they have rolling stones rights:  Until Keith Richards dies, or the sun goes supernova, whichever comes first.

dawn eden annoying:  She’s never bothered me. Maybe it’s just you?

create a car saying (bumper sticker) or a road sign (billboard) that would describe one main point you learned (florida virtual school):  “The wise teacher keeps her answers offline.”

tv show pics of kirsten vangsness in girdle:  As if. You’ll see The Rock defend a doctoral thesis on logical positivism before you see Vangsness in a girdle.

“christine chubbuck” “dateless”:  You know, if this bothered you, you could have asked her out yourself.

lufsig cleans up his act with a brand new name:  Which promptly got banned on Twitter.

shocked that he was manscaped:  Nobody wanted to see Lufsig’s junk, especially in a TwitPic.

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Strange search-engine queries (411)

In case you’ve missed the preceding 410 installments of this feature — well, it’s not like you need a whole lot of training to comprehend it. Web surfers go to search engines to look for stuff; search engine sends them here; log files reveal the details. Simple as that.

what are the biggest challenges to shape our country’s future:  Getting it away from the people who’ve been screwing it up.

what is needed to diagnose CD4E mazda transmittion:  More tools than you have, and the ability to spell wouldn’t hurt.

what is the new old-fashion way:  Brenda Lee, what hath thou wrought?

can old ATF cause hold light:  Real question: “Is there some way I can get this fixed without paying $2500?” Most likely answer: no.

what is the conceptual and operational meaning of “up means good”?  Down, boy.

is mikandi adware:  Are you getting ads? If not, then no.

click to view larger image and other views … have one to sell? sell it yourself 2004 2005 nissan maxima radio cd player dash trim be:  Ruined after you pry out that head unit with a screwdriver, as we know you did.

nicole kidman inseam:  If I had the ability to measure that, I wouldn’t have time to look up search queries.

mazda 626 1997 carburetor:  Fuel injection, son. Look into it.

nude ka hot sexiy imagas mull:  Next time, try typing with both hands.

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Strange search-engine queries (410)

Your Monday morning begins with another set of peculiar search strings, as picked up by this very site over the past several days, in lieu of actual, you know, content.

85yrs old grannies fucking pictures:  Get your own effing pictures.

jessica alba fantasy story:  I bet she wasn’t 85, either.

nudity in bizet carmen:  Because Frenchmen know intuitively what sort of things happen in deepest Seville.

tight wet ones:  Carmen was like that, but then she was still young.

unicorn breeders association:  Have you seen how much those breeders will charge you?

dawn fairchild new roads school aol settlement:  It’s hard to imagine anyone settling for AOL these days.

GF4AEL went out:  And probably had a good time, too.

don’t start sentences with with:  With what authority do you make this demand?

philander vedio:  One should never attempt adultery beneath a surveillance camera.

Skinny ankle jailbait:  Especially if she’s underage.

john doak uninsured motorist:  John Doak is the Insurance Commissioner. Surely someone would have written him a policy.

so much for your bright idea:  Could be my epitaph, if you think about it.

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Strange search-engine queries (409)

It’s time once again to shake the cornstarch off our mukluks and get down to the serious business of looking for perhaps-unserious search strings in ye olde system logs. It wouldn’t be a Monday morning without them.

Maria Bartaromo in pantyhose:  Thus we see the mental corruption in operation. He’s spent so much time looking at her legs that he doesn’t remember how to spell her name.

loreal greer mapson:  Sounds like the name of someone they’d hire to replace Maria Bartiromo.

sherilyn fenn looks what should i look like at age 35:  Well, it would be nice if you looked like Sherilyn Fenn at 35, especially if you wanted a job on TV news like Maria Bartiromo’s.

mazda tribute automatic transmission parts – foward direct drum:  In fact, forward them to Kevin Drum. He needs a hobby besides trying to defend Obamacare.

eighteen groped:  You really don’t need to spell this out in your journal, Congressman.

toyota yaris – drivers seat unable to move forward:  If it were any closer, you’d be driving this thing with your [redacted].

WHAT IS THE FORMULER FOR CALCULATING THE NUMBERN ON SOLER PANELS TO CHARGE 200:  You promise the rubes enough of a tax break and you can charge 200 apiece.

brittney lissner porn:  Not here, sorry. Did you try one of the sites you actually have to pay for?

europrincess escort:  I’m pretty sure no princess currently enthroned in Europe is driving a Ford.

Eroticsuperheroines:  I heard that Triplicate Girl does threesomes.

toyota prius KEYLESSRIDE scanner price in ebay:  Would it not have been more useful actually to search eBay itself?

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Strange search-engine queries (408)

This weekly feature is produced by sorting through tons and tons of raw materials, looking for something that can be refined, and then enhancing it through careful utilization of snarkistry. We keep hoping the world can be persuaded to pay us to do this — or to pay us not to do this. We’re not finicky.

“how it’s hanging”:  I suspect it has something to do with being suspended at the top.

ROBELLO KOMBI MADE IN C:  Actually, it was E-flat, but somehow it sounded too shrill. I blame CAPS LOCK.

have anyone been using quickfade tattoo removing gel:  Just the invisible girl over there. At least, I think she’s over there.

invisible manga porno:  Not at all sponsored by Quickfade Tattoo Removing Gel.

he’s not what i thought he was:  Yeah, but you voted for him just the same.

ford telstar v6 automatic gearbox whining sound:  It might not be the transmission at all, but the owner of the Ford in question, once presented with the bill for the rebuild.

did stephanie zimbalist ever get hurt doing her own stunts:  A mild case of heartbreak, perhaps.

jayne mansfield’s head on car:  We don’t sell hood ornaments here. Try Pep Boys.

verjin refloration:  Are you sure you know what you’re asking? Try Pep Boys.

The stoplight had just changed and a 20000 kg. Cadillac had entered the intersection north at 3.0 m/s when it was struck by a 1000kg eastbound Volkswagen:  Whereupon the VW driver was shot to death by the Secret Service, since the only 20-ton Cadillac in operation was the Presidential limousine, as outfitted by Pep Boys.

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Strange search-engine queries (407)

Why is this here again? Because of a promise I made to myself: if I like this feature, I can keep it. And promises, I believe, must be kept.

zone holys nude:  How close is that to the friend zone?

ethelylene in perfume:  It’s flammable, so it sustains the flame of desire.

yosemite sam dynamite under piano key:  Believe me if all those endearing old cartoon gags don’t still pack a wallop.

is Johnny get angry sexist:  Only if you think incurring one’s boyfriend’s wrath is a Good Thing.

ford el trans overfull of oil:  Better not tell Johnny. He might get angry.

fuses and solenoids associated with instrument cluster lighting and guages on 2001 mazda millenia:  Generally do not fail until it’s one in the morning and pitch black outside.

ruby red squirt statin:  For kids with high cholesterol, no doubt.

black jailbait teens twerking in the nude booty shorts or panties:  Hey, at least he isn’t picky.

tammy monkey dust:  You might spread this over the ultimate waste product of Purina Monkey Chow.

property taken by imminent domain for windstar casino:  Hence the “Coming Soon” sign.

dustbury hombres:  Sí, señor. Right this way.

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Strange search-engine queries (406)

Yes, it’s Veterans Day, and no, this feature is not taking the day off. I was a soldier once, and I knew that at any moment it could become a 24/7 job.

List The homesex hungry roman emperers in ancient rome:  This is what porn does to you. A year ago, this guy was looking for Hungry Hungry Hippos.

taripal sax xxx pechar:  Well, if you ask me, your spelling is taripal.

quasi-automotive:  About half of the Car Talk Puzzlers are so described.

2001 mercury mystice transmission wont go intodrive:  I do hope your checkbook is primed.

shiri zinn for baci minx:  Sounds like a fair trade to me.

disney’s first law:  “When you wish upon a star…” (You know the rest.)

Company that deals on refurbished Mazda 626 brainbox:  Since the last 626 was made 11 years ago, just finding one should be considered a deal.

where is my 401k money from metris companies:  They borrowed it to rent programmers for healthcare.gov.

Great mens lives begin at forty where the mediocre man’s life ends.The genius remains an ever-flowing fountain of creative achievement, until the very last breath he draws. -Glenn Clarke:  Hmmm. I’ve already beaten the spread by two decades. Who knew?

lmiss you Ø­18:  I miss you too, R2.

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Strange search-engine queries (405)

If you’re new to this feature, allow me to explain: about a third of incoming traffic comes from random Web searches, and what they sought is generally baked into a URL by the search engine. By looking at these URLs, I can see just what it was they were looking for; I have yet, however, to figure out a reason why.

bingage elephant:  Who knew that elephants used Bing?

interstitial space at synapse sleeping:  Hmmm. Now if I could just get some of my own synapses to go to sleep once in a while…

index of troggs .wma:  I don’t know which is more peculiar: the fact that someone’s looking for old Troggs recordings, or the fact that he wants them in Windows Media format.

Pantyhose Crutch Yahoo:  Some people’s fantasies are awfully specific.

Meredith vieria prom dress toplezs:  Some people’s fantasies are awfully specific. And how do you spell “Vieira” correctly and mess up “topless”?

95 merc mystic no speedo and no overdrive:  And probably no vehicle speed sensor either.

busty teen jailbait nude:  Um, teens tend to be jailbait more or less by definition.

rhinemaidens “without clothes”:  This is how you ask for “busty teen jailbait nude” if you have a degree in the humanities.

How is Oklahoma City Community College paying for it’s new Capitol Hill Center?  The community-college district is assessing a $5 fine for every misused (or misunused) apostrophe; the facility should be paid for in full by February.

imaginary haters:  Every paranoid has at least one.

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Strange search-engine queries (404)

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Strange search-engine queries (403)

Inasmuch as the local feed is about three times busier than usual this week, perhaps now is the time to explain this particular feature, which acknowledges the fact that around a third of its traffic comes from random Googlers and Bingers and such — and then looks to see why they were here in the first place.

what it’s the hol d on mazda:  The D, the whole D, and nothing but the D?

Joules mug best price:  Have you seen James Prescott Joule? I wouldn’t give you a nickel for his mug.

jailbait nude twerk:  Going for the trifecta of trouble, are you?

crank/meth. whores experiencing nymphomania & non-stop masturbation: This is the guy from “jailbait nude twerk,” two years later.

www.Gigger Bites and Megger Bites:  And if you’re really lucky, Chigger Bites.

car auto gear brain box cable pulled off:  Well, push it back on. Geez.

40plus busty women:  Careful. Those babes will pull the cable right off your brain box.

monaural hearing stereo:  Unless you’re deaf in one ear — or have a single ear in the middle of your face, which is less likely.

2014 Infiniti Q50 putrid odor inside?  It’s the air of smugness. 3-series Bimmers have had it for years.

Making a poster abont yourself “Learn me Better”:  It’s to be hoped that you know yourself before you start doing a poster.

warehouse operative job descriptions at fiskars:  It’s like working in a warehouse anywhere else, except that when the bell goes off, you Finnish.

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Strange search-engine queries (402)

Visitors who arrive here via search string seem much like Christopher Columbus: he had no real idea where he was going, and he misinterpreted what he found when he got here.

Autoculture Girls Yore:  The curved-dash Oldsmobile, for some reason, was widely considered to be a girly car.

supporthosiery hazards:  Take them off too fast and they fly across the room.

apparently everything causes cancer:  Except cancer treatments. They create bankruptcy.

Geezer fogey codger curmudgeon coot fart:  You’ve just heard the final moments of a Congressional roll call. Thank you for watching C-Span.

61/2 oz coca-cola bottle, bottom says coca-cola shoulder says coca-cola side says Dennison Ohio bottling works:  Do I look like friggin’ Antique Roadshow? Take it back to the store and get your nickel.

jailbait nude naturists:  Only if they’re underage.

does mazda still have trans:  No. The new 3 is powered by a ball of glowing light under the hood.

You are Scheie:  Actually, no, I’m not. Although Scheie comes here occasionally.

the boston rag newspaper:  The Globe, being a broadsheet, makes a better rag than the tabloid-sized Herald.

hello miriam this dee dee the one came saturday to get the micro twist. just took my hair out the ponytail today n cumulative to find out that i got big micro twist in the middle don’t:  look anything like a tired call girl so I guess I wasted my money.

are Americans getting clumsier?  They be trippin, mon.

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Strange search-engine queries (401)

Monday’s child is fair of face, though it hardly seems fair that she should have to face this sort of thing so early in the morning.

andrea myerson documentary who crushed on wendy darling:  Insert “Peter” reference here.

words you don’t hear often:  “The American Congress, the finest legislative body on earth.”

dimentions celebrities:  Generally, larger, or at least wider, than they’d prefer.

see big penis:  Not for celebrities, I hope.

do batou dolphins have blowhole sex:  They will, but it’s an extra fifty fish.

invisible girl reappears:  Yeah, they do that. Eventually.

strict dress code, outlawing of alcohol and drugs, a ban on pork not unlike the Kosher diet common in Judaism, ban of interest charges on loans, and restrictions of art representation:  Generally are not characteristic of individuals seeking to plagiarize their way to a passing grade in their Comparative Religions class.

manny has been a coffee drinker since he started college three years ago. now he realizes that anytime he smells coffee when he enters a nearby starbucks he:  Is about to spend six bucks.

he must see life not as a vale of tears but as a happy time; he must take joy in his work, without regarding it as the end and all of living:  And once in a while, he should stop in at Starbucks for a six-buck coffee.

U must be kidding, right … yahya my selular is Blowbat … i will charge my selular … so sorry yahya I hv to go … see u later:  You can so turn off autocorrect.

kirsten vangsness wears dresses only:  I could swear I saw her in a pair of shoes once.

clopfics in google docs:  Probably, though there are better ways of getting some tail.

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Strange search-engine queries (400)

A crisp fall Monday morning — your weather may vary — and another stack of weird search terms, harvested from our own super-high-quality, better-than-bad (they’re good!) logs.

1969 john deere model 60 tractor carburetor linkage diagram:  Really, tractors in that era were as simple as, um, farm implements.

“schools” “white flight” “force whites”:  Why do I suspect this is someone’s school assignment?

how to add an aux input to a 1998 626:  Trust me, you’d be better off adding a new head unit.

scam “check for buying a car”:  You should assume that anything whatsoever that appeals to your sense of greed is a scam.

man deliberately amputated penis after diagram:  Boy, I’d hate to see that diagram.

eric burdon and drug abuse:  Not to mention the occasional wine spillage.

will ford bring back the probe:  Not likely. Your loins will have to go on aching on their own.

hoon it might consern:  Careful. You might be setting yourself up for a Probe.

post menopausal closet communist hag:  Are you serious? None of our communist hags are in the closet anymore.

www. what is cyclical phenomenon?  Say, didn’t you ask this last week?

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Strange search-engine queries (399)

“Three hundred ninety-nine? So you’d say you’ve done a lot of these?”

“It would so seem, yes.”

(If you missed it, here’s #1, from eight years ago, before I ever envisioned numbering them.)

who sells tastykakes near greenback tn:  You mean there isn’t an app for that?

seebigpenises:  There are probably too many apps for that.

SCORPIO DATE OF BIRTH 16 NOVEMBER 2002 GIRL ZODIAC ASTROLOGY THEY HAVE BORN BROTHER ON THIS STAR OF GIRL:  I suggest that maybe you ought not to be looking for ten-year-old girls on the Net.

can you put 14″ tires on a 1997 mazda 626 ES?  That depends. Does it have 14″ wheels?

words no longer used at work:  Among others, “full-time.”

mazda 626 1996 auto has always been jerky since new i suppose this is normal is it any body o:  On the upside, consider that you’ve made it seventeen years without a rebuild.

262144th notes in music:  You can’t play that fast, or that slow. Trust me.

sitting on a bench body language:  Pretty well stylized, unless you’re on the Group W bench.

misery compromise:  More simply expressed: “Meh.”

since every piece of matter in the universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the universe is it in theory possible to ex:  You can ex all you like. What you can’t do is why or zed.

after wearing seat belts became mandatory drivers reacted by driving faster and less carefully this is consistant with what principle of economics:  The one where Krugman thinks you should take the bus.

withi thieves I consort with the vilest in shorts I’m quite and Eve in depravity get all the vine use me and service can’t lose me for I am the center of gravity:  Calm down, Senator. It’s just the drugs talking. Did we mention they’re changing your co-pay?

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Strange search-engine queries (398)

Just another manic Monday, and just another panic-filled list of actual search strings from the past week or so. Pour your coffee first. This will wait.

Will a epson artitian 800 print us curency:  Not legally, no. And if you spell like that, they’ll laugh you all the way to the Big House.

heartless society:  Not here. Now if you were looking for a brainless society, all you need is a television and a few hours to kill.

lexus rx late led head light drl previous period of pre-diversion:  This must be that post-modern lamp display I keep hearing about.

How long should I wait to purchase 24 hr sudafed if I have reached my monthly limit in tulsa oklahoma:  Until the first of the month. Duh.

We are not exposed to proper music:  Have you tried 104.5 KRXO?

can’t receive 104.5 krxo:  You must be from way out of town — like, say, Harrah.

my 2001 contour switches gears on its.own at wrong speeds:  Would you rather it didn’t switch gears at all?

word salad dressing:  The chef recommends a light but satisfying vignette.

your younger brother just started using computers. he is trying to create a directory in windows 7 named lpt1 but windows does not allow him to. this:  is obviously not my younger brother, who would have shot the machine for its insolence.

Search kgb’s extensive database of human-researched answers sex aides like viagra etc:  Call NSA. By now they’ve copied every database on the planet.

what is hegemonic distortion:  If you have to ask, you must be one of the oppressors.

pantyhoseonyoutube:  Not a good idea. The picture’s blurry enough already.

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Strange search-engine queries (397)

It’s an all-automotive edition of SSEQ, what with a large number of people asking a stupid number of questions — or maybe it’s a number of stupid questions. Oh, well, we’ll figure it out in the editing pass.

what are the signs of a bad transmission in a mazda 626:  If you have to ask, you might as well get out the checkbook.

2002 mazda 626 overdrive light is flashing:  Have you ever, in fact, changed the fluid?

how often do you change the transmission fluid in a mazda 626:  If the overdrive light is flashing, it’s already too late.

1996 mazda 626 transmission has how many gears?  Assuming you have the automatic, there are four, unless you forgot to change the fluid, in which case there might be one. (If you have the stick shift, you have five, which is printed on top of the shift knob.)

what tranny oil does a 1996 626 use?  It’s too late for that, Bunky.

1997 mazda 626 wheel size:  Well, at least you didn’t say “rim.”

1997 mazda 626 stock tire size:  Did it not occur to you that there may have been more than one?

could a dirty filter cause mazda 626 hold light to blink:  How would you know it’s dirty? I’d lay odds you’ve never even seen the filter.

fix mazda jerky shift:  Hint: Don’t try to clean the filter.

why would a mazda have a fird transmission:  That’s a “Ford” transmission. Or, at least, some other four-letter word starting with F.

And, just to get away from this brand for a moment:

what happens when you cross the cables on your 1994 ford probe gt:  Apart from frying your entire electrical system, not much at all.

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Strange search-engine queries (396)

Supposedly, this is the end of summer, though most of the kids are back in school already and the equinox is still almost three weeks away. Change is in the air — except here, where we have yet another batch of odd search strings.

this is not a usual occurrence:  Oh, sure it is. Three hundred ninety-six of these. That’s pretty darn usual.

micrometer gdansk:  Your friends don’t Gdansk and if they don’t Gdansk then they’re no friends of mine.

Where did the ethnic Chubbo migrated from:  From behind the Taco Bell on Route 13.

why does my throttle body have two cables on a 1991 Mazda 626 lx:  Why doncha pull one off and see what happens, Chubbo?

100000 leagues under my nutsack wiki:  Arguably, the scariest word of the lot is “wiki.”

art garfunkel “mean meat”:  Which makes Paul Simon the vexed veggie, I suppose.

“the song” “abortion”:  Available for a limited time, and void where prohibited by law.

what words are no longer modern:  Fain would we tell thee, sirrah, but we’re busy twerking over here.

while wild in wood the noble savage ran:  At least he didn’t twerk.

We at the Internal Revenue Service would like to inform you that you have qualified for 2013 subsidy benefit. Simply reply to this secure message with the following details:  Which will then be pasted into the definition of “gullible” at urbandictionary.com.

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Strange search-engine queries (395)

What kind of Monday would it be were it not for this weekly excursion into ever nook and cranny of the system logs? (Answer: It’s Monday. Don’t push your luck.)

In 1936 Gov. Ernest W. Marland declared martial law around the state capitol in a dispute with Oklahoma City officials over drilling on state property:  
Oklahoma City officials in a dispute? How is that even possible?

Mazda 626 GD struts compatability:  Truth be told, I don’t think there’s anything actually compatible with those GD struts.

vevrier:  You kidding? I hardly know ‘er.

maria bartiromo pantyhose:  You kidding? I hardly know ‘er.

my ankle:  How does it look compared to, say, Maria Bartiromo’s?

gruesome police photos of Bill’s accident:  Oh, come on. Have a little respect for Bill.

“phil mcgraw’s penis”:  Oh, come on. Have a little respect for Phil.

bugatti relation to fitzsimmons:  For one thing, VW Group doesn’t own Fitzsimmons.

how do i know if transmission lock up system mulfunctions:  First, ask yourself: Is our car moving?

this package is sold by weight not by volume:  Which is why there isn’t a song by the Band called “The Volume.”

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Strange search-engine queries (394)

And how is your Monday going? Perhaps these finds from the search log will help — or perhaps not, being as how it’s a Monday and all.

www.real a:  I’ve known one or two people who could be described as a real A.

half past midnight Missouri:  Ten-thirty Pacific.

the fab four vs the drab four:  You’ll notice that the Fat Boys were never called the Flab Four. (Then again, there were only three of them.)

Since I am a frequent flightier:  I couldn’t care less about the TSA.

Wanker, Secretly Gay, Prima Donna, Racist, Herpes, Alcoholic, Compulsive Liar, Gambling Addict, Thug, Tatooed Thug, Galoot:  Well, that pretty much covers the entirety of Parliament, I’d say.

closet communist post-menopausal hag:  Probably teaching Gender Studies at Generic State U., even as we speak.

girl who has read up on her syntax:  Would love me even less.

write a intructions to make an antidote for the majic potion:  But first, read up on your syntax.

“lyrics” “sausalito is the place to be”:  “Bay living is the life for me / Green spreading out both far and near / Keep Budweiser, just gimme imported beer.”

no is required either:  (1) Should I stay or (2) should I go?

“kings of industry”:  More like the queen. Or the jack. Or the ten of diamonds.

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Strange search-engine queries (393)

Time once more for another dip into the fetid pool of log data, hoping something funny, or at least snarkable, will float to the top.

can a bad censor cause the indacation light to come on alot:  A really bad censor would strike words like “indacation.”

lesley gore sometimes featuring the brothers johnson:  And sometimes not. (Historically, she has not had a great deal of use for johnsons.)

What percentage of mazdas have automatic transmissions?  Most of them, MX-5/Miatas excepted. Why do you ask?

is a mazda 626 16 valve engine a 4 cylinder?  I’d like to see you try to get 16 valves into, or out of, a V-6.

chrysler aspen vents smell like urine:  Well, it’s probably not the valves.

fifty first take of a miracle:  It’s like making a movie, only with fewer witnesses on set.

we built this city on basketball and kings:  Well, that lets out Sheboygan.

this time they were right:  Does this make up for all the times they were wrong?

what’s with the screaming round thing meme:  Even those without mouths occasionally must scream.

ryan braum penis size:  You know that round thing meme? He makes it scream.

boys permanently femmed:  And yet the girls still spurn them.

stilettos and stockings:  Permanently femmed boys should remember to order the appropriate women’s size.

flickr old layout:  Really most insincerely dead.

death to left lane bandits:  Now that seems sincere.

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Strange search-engine queries (392)

Once more, we descend into the little room where the logs are stored and glance at the thousands of almost-identical lines, hoping something amusing in the form of a search string will jump up and catch our eye. It works a lot better than you might think it would.

he is neither a dentist nor a certified asbestos remover, neither the next rebirth of Dalai Lama:  In fact, there’s a chance he’s not even a he, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

was conway twitty on the plane with ritchie valens:  It’s only make-believe.

how many of the b53 turbine blades have been replaced by siemens:  Evidently not enough.

why isn’t nomorobo available yet?  They ran out of turbine blades.

What is a good screw funny:  Torx. You never have a driver for them, and you wind up trying to wedge an Allen wrench in there.

the word citizen is no longer used?  You’re thinking of Seattle. Other words no longer used there: “brown bag,” “viaduct,” “Sonics.”

Crown Victoria parking brake warning light on in a minute lyrics:  See what I mean? The people have had enough of silly love songs.

are the bay city rollers insulted by tartan horde songs:  Only if they’re silly.

does a white car or silver car stay cooler:  This being August, the answer is No.

kingsmen vegetables:  Just don’t go showing everyone your louie, Louie.

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Meanwhile in the search logs

I seldom find something quite this weird in my own search logs:

More than a dozen people came to this blog in October looking for this phrase:

“like imaginary-geraldo, who lost one leg playing ‘the floor is made of lava’ and who likes to dress up your cats as movie stars when you’re not home.”

Kind of sweet, in a sick and twisted way.

(Sent my way via Jennifer.)

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Strange search-engine queries (391)

And then there are the things that must appear on schedule.

emotional damage to men from involuntary celibacy:  So more than just balls are blue?

fiona xie boyfriend current boyfriend:  Perhaps doesn’t suffer emotional damage.

random pickup slut video:  Okay, now you’re just asking for emotional damage.

85yrs.old granny and still having sex:  Probably not a random pickup slut, either.

should a 61 year old diabetic unemployed for 1 year go for interview at for off distance of 226 miles without getting gas expense or he is better off waiting for:  Waiting for the federal death panel to declare him superfluous, which might save 10 gallons of fuel.

words no longer in use:  But if I told you, they’d be in use again.

just stand me outside:  Why, are you no longer in use?

I’m plotting on 811:  That’s quite a plot.

is dementia from unrepented sins:  Now that question is above my pay grade.

new twinkies poor imitation:  This is why you have a two-year supply in storage, right?

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Strange search-engine queries (390)

We of course apologize for the overwrought post title. This weekly feature gives you, or me anyway, a look into the logs to see who’s looking for what. It will not, alas, explain why.

groin elevator:  Pest control, of course, is an absolute must.

“White Sox 4, Yankees 0″:  Hey, it could happen. It’s the Chicago Way, after all.

what is french moss?  It’s that stuff that wouldn’t grow on the Rolling Stones when they first became British tax exiles.

latest sunrise ever:  Tomorrow. No, wait, the day after tomorrow. (And so on, and so on, and scooby-dooby-doo.)

where is 34th and vine located:  Sorry, you’ll have to order your illicit love potions online.

suppose you have drunk some magic potion and become invisible for one day. write instructions for making an antidote for this magic potion so that you can reverse the action and become visible within an:  Hour of taking a cab to 34th and Vine and discovering nothing there.

mary and daryl are new to the sport of rock climbing mary says she wants a stiff rope because a stiff rope is strong rope.daryl insists that a good climbin:  is what Mary really needs, and offers her a stiff drink, which is a strong drink.

sbt. japan reversing odometer readings:  Sorry, fanboy, no matter what you put on the manifest, Customs will not let you import that beat-up old Skyline you’ve been dreaming about.

www.momshavingsexwithkids:  What do you care if Mom shaves or not?

she wasn’t looking so I:  Borrowed her razor.

mackenzie powerball:  Possible name for Kanye and Kim’s next baby.

man dies from single punch in mansfield:  Mental note: Do not get punched there.

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Strange search-engine queries (389)

Oh, if you’ve forgotten 389, it was the size (in cubic inches) of the Pontiac V-8 described in “Little G.T.O.” by Ronny and the Daytonas. Said Pon-Pon was also equipped with three deuces and a four-speed. In the meantime, here’s this week’s trunkful of search strings:

You have received a new endorsement from elder parodi. Click here to see it! Your endorsements will appear on your profile after:  the seas begin to boil and the sunlight becomes unbearable. Or September, whichever comes first.

paywall “oklahoman.com”:  Which you can avoid by having them drop the printed version somewhere in the vicinity of your driveway every morning.

welcome to teen porno pass mm berks area:  Oh, don’t you just wish.

“oklahoma county clerk” horrible:  Can’t tell if irritated by fees for document reproduction, or if turned down for a date.

seduceth means:  Thou art being led into a false sense of security by yon County Clerk.

what usually goes out after transmission mazda tribute:  Any hope of a family vacation that year.

monkey see money do one hears no evil one sees no evil one does no evil the other does them all stoopid monkey need to go to monkey ward get edumacated:  Get your hands off the phrasebook, you damn dirty ape.

why can’t i find the killing of a person by frank gann in sallisaw oklahoma in 1968:  Um, hello, McFly, nineteen sixty-eight? How much stuff do you think was being put up on the Web twenty-five years before it was opened to the public?

How sure am i that the foetus will not reform after taking arthrotec and after the abortion blood has stop flowing:  Obviously, not very.

bacon helper:  Bacon needs no help.

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Strange search-engine queries (388)

Did I get four days off? Of course not. Did I spend four days looking through the logs, trying to find enough search strings for you guys this Monday morning? Well, um, no, not really.

to get past “alice” reverse one of your items and insert the roman numerals for 1001, 51, and 11 into it to make your two word phrase:  Even more baffling than the Konami Code.

sms scam 2005 rita grower:  Actually, I hear Rita’s a shower, not a grower.

“jack webb” “you’re my girl”:  Whatever floats your boat, hotshot, but Joe Friday doesn’t get down that way.

Pictures of the Pearly Gates with pet door:  Actually, they get the main entrance; it’s the humans who have to crawl their way to the back porch.

allintext: Martin Luther King had the fantastic replica watches uk to do away with the racial discrimination and segregation for your black. How about you and how about me? I’d like to tell you my replica:  You know, if there really was something on your wrist that could expunge the stench of racism forever, there are people who’d move mountains to cut off your arm. Isn’t that right, Reverend Al?

tweetdeck stop working:  Just wait a few minutes and it will quit on its own.

everything see me:  So either go inside, or put on some pants.

video for loading struts jar files in my ellipse:  I have no idea what you’re talking about, so please either go inside or put on some pants.

Unhashed feet:  Well, I should certainly hope so.

“she wears a size 10 shoe”:  Leaving no room for hash.

is fluttershy supposed to sound like marilyn monroe:  Well, no, not specifically, but she shouldn’t ever sound like that guy from Crash Test Dummies either.

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