So we’re going to lose everything — twice — and a little more besides.

(From USNews.com via Megan McArdle.)

If you think that Illinois is a national laughing stock now wait until the Chicago mayoral election when an enormous proportion of the folks who are showing up as supporting players in Rod Blagojevich’s corruption trial (which may well still be going on) are vying for the job of Chicago’s mayor.

Which will be in 2011, unless Daley flees to the Delta Quadrant before that.

How many VHS tapes do you own? I stopped purchasing movies on VHS several years ago, but I still manage to own right around 100 of the tapes.

I kept them because at least half of them I don’t own in any other format. Of those, I can only purchase about one quarter of them on DVD and only about 3 of those are available on Blu-Ray.

And we all know how this story goes:

I am going to end up with five different types of media (Laser Disc, VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, and digital) for my movies until everything can be converted into one. I am starting to think that the ONE is going to have to be digital. I don’t want to keep having to do this every few years.

Remind me not to mention the several dozen Beta tapes hanging around here.

In order to help our nation’s leaders avoid critical fashion faux pas, DressRegistry.com recently sent letters to U.S. Senators urging them to register evening gowns they planned on wearing to upcoming inaugural balls.

Yes, there’s a reason for this:

DressRegistry.com was created to help women avoid what happened to First Lady Laura Bush in December 2006 when she and three other women wore the same Oscar de la Renta to a White House gala and then had the event immortalized on the evening news.

And it makes perfect sense to E. M. Zanotti:

I understand this problem, as starlets, drag queens and First Ladies alike have all dealt with the inevitable dress duplicate who not only looks better in the dress, but who also paid less for it upfront, but I tend to think this particular effort is aimed at helping Michelle Obama avoid an Inauguration night disaster wherein a closet Senatorial sci-fi fanatic decides to repeat Michelle’s election night triumph by wearing the Alien birth “after” dress to a low-level function.

You surely remember that triumph, perhaps not fondly.

And those fears, I am convinced, are legitimate: around the Senate these days, everything that isn’t science fiction is fantasy.

And Minnesota could do no wrong: Randy Foye got 26 of his 32 points in the first half, five other Wolves scored in double figures, and twelve of 28 treys fell their way. They owned the boards (57 rebounds, including 18 off the offensive glass), and they capitalized on the usual 15 Oklahoma City turnovers.

It seems almost irrelevant to mention the two double-doubles in Thunderdom: Russell Westbrook (16 points, 12 assists) and Nick Collison (17 points, 10 rebounds). The Thunder shot 39.8 percent, and Kevin Durant would love to have been that effective: he was 3 for 13 with a mere 9 points. We did, however, see the debut of Nenad Krstić, who played 14 minutes, scoring 6 and rebounding 5.

Chucky Atkins must be wondering what the hell he’s getting into. In the meantime, there’s a long flight home, and the arrival of the Houston Rockets on Friday.

As if actually wearing skimpy lingerie isn’t enough now we live in a society where women paint themselves to appear AS IF they are wearing skimpy lingerie. (To be fair, they don’t do the painting themselves; that job belongs to some job-lotto-winning sum’um’um’bitch.)

Since they’re not wearing clothes shouldn’t they be censored by the powers that censor? Or is it okay to see them and their glorious contours because their shapes aren’t flesh-colored? Are they wearing liquid clothing? I’ve seen body-painted chicks on plenty of other occasions and it’s never blurred out or blocked the way an actual naked person would be.

I believe it depends on the answer to this question: “Is someone going to stumble across this accidentally and scream ‘OMG they’re NEKKID!’?” If you have to look at it twice to see that it’s not actually clothing, I’d say it’s not exactly accidental.

And I suspect body paint that doesn’t imitate clothing, the sort of thing you might see at, say, Burning Man, won’t get the same sort of pass from the Official Frowner-Upon.

(Seen here. This link, at least, is safe for work.)

Oklahoma City shot 52.7 percent from the field [against the Knicks]. Oddly, the Thunder is only 2-7 when shooting 50 percent or better.

Yeah, but they’re 3-23 when they miss more than they hit. Compared to that, “only 2-7″ sounds downright wonderful.

I dunno. It’s not an enormous bill staring me in the face — maybe fifteen bucks — but pretty much everything I’d want to move around outside Apple’s FairPlay has already been burned to unprotected CD-Rs.

An old lady once told me that back in the 1920s, when she was a child, you just assumed that anyone over 40 was wearing dentures. A dentist recently explained to me that one reason teeth-whitening has become such a big business in recent years is that people’s teeth are generally so good these days that dentists otherwise don’t have many services beyond cleaning to sell to most patients.

Of my original thirty-two, I still have twenty-six, including one of the often-troublesome wisdoms. I do, however, get a couple of cleanings every year, and in the last five years I’ve had to replace three outdated fillings. (One of them is now officially unfillable: I am informed that if it goes again, it’s root-canal time.) Spacing has always been dubious, however; I have a Lettermanesque gap up front, and it’s not getting any narrower.

Four times in the last week, the National Weather Service has displayed a current temperature for my town higher than the expected high for the day. Surely if the current temperature is 68° F, the expected high cannot be 62°, it must be at least 68°. Is there any programming language in which that cannot be fixed with a single line of code?

Today the expected high was 49°, while the reported temperature around noon was 63°, which is what it felt like. A fourteen degree discrepancy is impressive, even for government bureaucrats.

Regional phenomenon, I suggest: out here, the expected high has been too high three days running and was scaled back on the fly. (Yesterday, the forecast called for 48; by noon, with the predicted clearing not happening, they dropped it to 43; only briefly did it touch 40.)

I cannot, however, fully explain this:

Tomorrow’s expected high (or “hi”) is 34°, while tomorrow night’s expected low (or “lo”) is 35°. Is that mathematically possible? Surely a nightly low cannot be higher than the high in a directly adjacent day, either before or after? I don’t know when the official switchover from day to night is (sunset?), but if the temperature in the last minute of day is 34° or less, can it really be 35° or more in the first minute of night? If anything, we would expect a relatively sudden drop in temperature at sunset, but today’s forecast implies a sudden jump.

In my neck of the woods, anyway, we tend to expect the lowest temperature of the day right around sunrise, and forecasts for “tonight” often include the qualifier “after midnight” if significant events are anticipated at such hours. But we’ve had rising temperatures overnight many times; all it takes is a wind shift at the right moment. And it’s warmer now, half an hour before the sun, than it was at 8 pm last night.

(With apologies to Victor Borge.)

It’s not that the New Yorkers brought a knife to a gunfight, either: the Knickerbocker trey was deployed 34 times, with 11 successes, and Al Harrington, off the bench, contributed 21 points, mostly in the second half. But the Thunder had something going here, running to a 23-point lead in the third quarter, watching it shrink to a mere two, and then gutting it out the rest of the way to a 107-99 win.

New York shot a feeble 39.8 percent, but they put up so many shots that some of them had to fall, and indeed six Knicks landed in double figures. And OKC had the D: the Thunder blocked eight shots — Joe Smith got four of them before fouling out — and pulled off nine steals. Furthermore, the Thunder outrebounded the Knicks, 46-35, shot 52.7 percent, and apparently they’ve been working on moving the ball around: they recorded 23 assists, including nine from Russell Westbrook and six from Earl Watson.

Kevin Durant sat for a whole 2:21 tonight; he spent the rest of the time scoring 27 points and pulling down 12 boards. Jeff Green also banged down 27; Westbrook had 22. New guy Nenad “Krispy” Krstić, having just gotten his work visa, was on hand but did not play.

So two for four on the homestand. And I remember telling you this:

I suspect the Thunder will take out their frustrations on the Knicks.

Consider them taken. Now it’s off to Minnesota.

The irony could’ve killed him, if the boredom didn’t get him first. Here he was, a “snowman” in a “snow globe” full of “snow”, and he’d never touched real snow in his life. He’d never know how it feels on his plastic skin. He’d never construct a stalwart snow fort, or whiz a lethal snowball through the air, or catch the lacy flakes on his tongue. All he could do was watch it fall. And wonder. And wish someone would come by and shake his globe, just so he could pretend for a moment that a blizzard raged around him as powerful as the one inside him.

The mere fact that I could see something like that in an amorphous blob of whatever suggested, to me and maybe to the therapist, that I was seriously screwed.

This does not mean, incidentally, that I am today frivolously screwed.

That said, the more industrial-strength hybrids, the Two-Mode trucks, are the bigger sellers: of those 2555, 1729 were the Tahoe/Yukon/Escalade monsters that still weigh two and a half tons yet somehow get 20 mpg. And that’s good: getting 20 mpg instead of 12 cuts your fuel bill by 40 percent, not an inconsiderable amount even in these fleeting times of cheapish gas, and a major virtue when prices turn back upward. GM’s hybrid cars, which use lower-end technology and realize smaller gains, are selling a bit less energetically. (26 mpg over 22 isn’t such a big deal.) And I suspect that they’re holding back a bit, lest they cannibalize sales from the Chevy Volt once it gets here.

Today, you just turn in a file that won’t open:

File Destructor … is a tool that should only be used for emergencies. Basically, it’s a tool that creates a fake file that you can send to your teachers. You can choose the extension as well as the size of the file, and when your professor can’t open the file up, you can just blame it on your computer. Of course, many teachers are starting to not accept these excuses, so be careful when using this.

Especially since you can’t claim that your robot dog ate your homework.

(Via Joanne Jacobs.)

Why is this good news? Because the record industry is built on three pillars of corruption, on which it built an edifice (the manufacture and promotion of physical CDs) that is no longer needed. One of the unappreciated side effects of the digital revolution in the media space is its contribution to a drop in white-collar crime.

In the radio world, the record industry used payola for decades to get radio airplay; with radio’s influence waning and industry earnings dropping, those days seem to be over. In retail, price-fixing was the norm; now the prices are being fixed (lower than what they might otherwise be) for a format (the single) the industry stopped selling to force people to buy full-length CDs, all by a guy (Steve Jobs) who doesn’t even work in the biz!

But it’s not all unicorns and teabiscuits just yet:

The third pillar is relations with artists, whom the labels have screwed on royalty payments, virtually with impunity, since the dawn of the modern industry. I assume this activity continues.

There really isn’t a whole lot of reason to think it doesn’t.

Go into your archives and post the first sentence from the first post you made each month last year.

Okay, will do. Let’s see what sort of crumby stuff I’ve been casting on the waters:

January: “Worst titles of 2007″ contains no full sentence until the very end: “Some marginally-acceptable turns of phrase are recounted here.”

February: “The City Sentinel broadsheet is adopting a time-honored method of hyping sales: they’re cutting the price.”

March: “Space is precious in Japan, which has five times the population of Texas in about half the area.” [On unusual farming techniques.]

April: “In a lifetime of klutziness, I’ve broken lots of light bulbs, even a socket or two, usually with no ill effects other than finding that one last shard of glass three weeks later.”

May: “During a one-hour period yesterday, someone’s botnet planted about 100 bogus TrackBacks here, connected to a whole link farm full of Yahoo! 360 blogs which were probably created by a botnet.”

June: “Patterico recommends Michael J. O’Gara for Office No. 94 of the Los Angeles Superior Court.”

July: “You don’t give a damn about us, but we’re your biggest customer.” [By "you," I mean "television."]

August: “In my opinion, the 45 rpm record is the greatest invention in the history of popular culture because it meant that for the first time in history, anyone — especially kids — could buy art — real art — with just the change in their pockets.” [This was a blockquote from elsewhere.]

September: “I started doing this about three years ago, and it proved to be relatively popular among the readership, by which is meant that not one of them has commanded me to cut it out or face the Wrath of [insert name of presumably wrathful entity].”

October: “This odd-looking contraption is nothing more than a strap for your cell phone or other electronic gizmo, made up to look like a blood drip, available in your blood type unless you have some wacky antigen that maybe five or six people on earth share.”

November: “Yes, it’s time for another DST rant: not mine, though.”

December: “If you were wondering ‘When’s the next time we get to look at some more weird search strings?’ the answer is ‘Right about now.’”

And it’s probably as well that I do this myself from my position at the very Heart of Obscurity, for no biographer would get within three meters of this unfocused detritus.

Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman may run for Governor of California: Positive feedback here.

An invasive species of trout in Yellowstone Lake may be fought with Jell-O: Presumably, unflavored variety.

A doll that fills its own diapers: Refills, five dollars.

Burger King introduces a signature fragrance: Whoppers not touched.

Visitors’ locker room at Alabama’s Bryant-Denny Stadium to be named “The Fail Room”: Honoring Mr. Fail.

Three female KFC employees in California suspended for taking a dip in the restaurant’s sink: Original Recipe, naturally.

Barack Obama’s Chrysler 300C offered on eBay: Not a hybrid.

Blogger offers $50 for Dodge: Nobody wants Chrysler.

The BBC would like to apologize for the indecent-exposure incident on Radio 1: Nothing seen, but …

Mary-Kate Olsen up to 102 lb, rumored to be pregnant: Eating for one?

Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is banned in China: Using their illusions.

The last Yugo comes off the assembly line: And promptly stalls.

Australian Kotex advertisement uses animated beaver: Flat tail, yet.

Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” downloaded two million times: On and on.

Sir Paul McCartney donates to charity a document signed by Eleanor Rigby: Face jar unavailable.

It takes 40 minutes to eat a roll of Necco wafers: They’re not trying.

Overweight women have more sex than “normal” women: Olive Oyl disconsolate.

Swedish researchers claim coffee can shrink women’s breasts: Smaller cups ahead.

Deceased Chicago-area goldfish sent voter-registration packet: Dead, therefore Democratic.

Roger Ebert walks out of a film after eight and a half minutes: Seven too many.

PETA suggests Ben & Jerry’s switch to human milk for their ice cream: “Express Yourself” flavor?

Jessica Simpson admits to flatulence: Gas futures plummet.

Italian model offers to sell her virginity for one million euros: Price regulators apoplectic.

Church of England apologises to Charles Darwin for “misunderstanding” evolutionary theory: American institutions silent.

Men who drive cars with heated seats risk lowered fertility: Cheaper than vasectomy.

Wellesley College misplaces a Fernand Léger painting worth millions: Down the Tubists?

Horror fan disbelieves picture’s claim that “no one can see it alone,” books entire theatre for showing: Expense was frightful.

Amy Winehouse reportedly sampling the Wicked Witch of the West: No, no, no.

Is nude online poker legal? Fewer shirts lost.

NBA slash fiction: Redefines “power forward.”

“Hello martyr, hello Fatah”: Best title ever?

Feds to offer debit MasterCard instead of checks for Social Security: Landlords take plastic?

India’s Bajaj Auto produces a motorcycle that makes you “feel like God”: Obama’s ordering two.

Warner Bros. plans Marvin the Martian theatrical film: Earth-shattering Kaboom anticipated.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne can buy anything in Gotham City: Except for insurance.

1800-year-old relic of Elvis Presley found: Kissin’ cousin, anyway.

The European Union has banned the use of the land-measurement term “acre” in Britain: What the hectare?

Does eating too much soy cause memory loss? I don’t remember.

Managing Editor of Fairbanks News-Miner to assume Outdoor Editor position at Tulsa World in mid-August: High temperature: 90ish.

Pathologists find possible weakness in HIV: Vaccine testing next?

Tips for meeting your future self: Super Bowls involved.

Hello Kitty antivirus and firewall software: No words necessary.

Frenchman with two asses arrives in Sweden: Bureaucrats temporarily stymied.

Bebe Neuwirth is Morticia Addams: Speaks French, too.

Metals designed to emulate glass could be used for aircraft construction: Ask Wonder Woman.

Revenues from Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” exceed $500 million: All that glitters.

Australian scientists develop electronic sperm-blocker implant: Oh, come now.

New Sprint phones will talk to Lotus Notes: Slowly, I suspect.

Pancake batter in aerosol form: And it’s organic!

Victoria’s Secret offers “free tank”: Turret not included.

Prince Charles repays royal debt from 1651: Adjusted for inflation?

Preparation H now a popular “club” drug: Intended for assholes.

You can’t assume today’s students can actually read your handwriting: Cursive foiled again.

Truck hauling Oreo cookies overturns in Illinois: Got no milk.

The manager of a New Zealand bar catches a tagger, paints his face and clothes: Drawing considerable applause.

Houston woman has maximum breast implants allowed by Texas law: Next, back brace.

Robot squirrel deployed: Spurns hex nuts.

Residents of Lesbos seek exclusive rights to word “Lesbian”: To include guys.

New jeans are baggy yet still tight: Traveling Sisterhood appalled.

Lawn-mowing robots recalled because one humanoid was dumb enough to pick one up: Gene pool unpurified.

Maureen Dowd once had a bowling trophy: Not a guttersnipe.

Monica Lewinsky shows up with a pearl necklace: This one’s strung.

MTV can’t bring itself to spell out Devo’s song title “Jocko Homo”: Obviously not men.

Schlitz Classic to return: Milwaukee’s fame unchanged.

Printer manufacturer Lexmark says we print too much: Paper manufacturers snicker.

Sally Kern vs. a-ha: Take on her.

WordPerfect yet lives: New version shipping.

Imax films to be available on mobile phones: More Squint subscribers.

Icahn has lawsuit: O hai, Motorola.

Marriage proposals via Twitter: Short and tweet.

A “virtual vigil for peace”: Add a candle.

Kelly Clarkson spurns underwear: “Miss Independent,” indeed.

Find out where Ludacris has a ho: Long distance runaround.

How climate really works: An inconvenient overview.

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she’s too old to do sexy scenes: Helen Mirren guffaws.

Female superheroes in the Marvel Universe have an average Body Mass Index of 19.3: She-Hulk not impressed.

“Spongebob Squarepants” rectal thermometer: I blame Squidward.

The Artist Presently Known as Prince needs hip-replacement surgery: “Little red Chevette….”

Senator Clinton is offered $750k to pose nude: LASIK ban imminent.

Who’s that with the finger up his nose? Tom Brokaw, yes?

Is John McCain really an illegal alien? Think “Canal Zone.”

The five most badass American Presidents: None recent, alas.

Solar-powered vibrator: For outdoor use?

Woman deposits envelope containing methamphetamine at ATM: Police take interest.

Dolly Parton postpones a tour: Racked with pain.

Hillary knows all there is to know about the crying game: So did Muskie.

Woolworths withdraws “Lolita” bed set for girls after learning its implications: Includes pillowcases, Quilty.

Foo Fighters cancel several concerts: Foo too strong.

Some UK fiber will be laid along sewer lines: More crap downloaded.

“Most women who abort are mothers”: Or were, anyway.

Zimbabwe to issue ten-million-dollar banknote: Worth five bucks.

A British recycling center has been plucking risqué photos from the trash and using them for office pinups: Shredders remain inexpensive.

Missouri legislator proposes removing sales tax on bowling equipment: Legislative split expected.

New Tasers incorporate MP3 player in carrying case: Sting comes preloaded.

Who’s to blame for $100 oil? Some egomaniacal dipshit.

Six reasons why Star Trek should remain dead: Ferengi not mentioned.

Two-thirds of Brits still have their ex’s number in their cell-phone directory: I plead guilty.

Chinese automaker SAIC buys out rival Nanjing: Where’s the MG?

Women with short legs have higher risk of liver disease: Heels don’t help.

Student reportedly gets detention for using Firefox: It’s a fake.

Cussing at an overflowing toilet is permissible under the First Amendment: Not No. 2.

Chocolate bubble wrap: Not Cocoa Puffs.

Merriam-Webster’s “Word of the Year” is “w00t”: N00bs obviously pwned.

Give your baby a hand: A disembodied hand.

Squirrel armor: Nutcracker not included.

Some Western Digital external drives come with DRM-ridden client software: Seagate sales soaring.

The National Archives offers genuine Government Red Tape: Nineteenth century, yet.

BMW plays the Race Card: Quite innocently, too.

Two Russian boys playing Guitar Hero in the nude: I blame vodka.

Debbie Deborah Gibson gets a new nose: Looks foolishly beaten.

An indicated 219 mph in a Lamborghini on an Arizona freeway: Daring, yet moronic.

Marauding transvestites terrorize a McDonald’s: McNuggets not involved.

The Jane Austen action figure: Darcy sold separately.

Hitler banned from Internet forum: Godwin’s Law enforceable.

The cure for Clostridium difficile is a load of crap: Somebody else’s, yet.

Cursed man marries bitch: This is news?

Wisconsin policeman accidentally tasers himself: Pain plus reprimand.

Maxtor inadvertently ships drives preloaded with virus: No, not Windows.

Visa’s initial public offering valued at $10 billion: MasterCard not accepted.

Nudist resort files for bankruptcy: No pockets, apparently.

“Wedgie-proof” underpants: Bullies weep profusely.

New “Momspit” hand cleaner: Mom not included.

Mac OS X 10.5 indicates Windows machines on a network with a Blue Screen of Death icon: Without even crashing.

Coolest quilt ever: Q*bert would approve.

Paris Hilton plans a humanitarian mission to Rwanda: Underwear shortage predicted.

Got osteoarthritis? Blame the Smurfs.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Smaller is better.

The “Impact Jacket”: Airbags for bikers.

You can no longer call someone a “weathervane” in the Québec legislature: “Blowhard” still acceptable.

U can has memoriez: LolCats, the musical.

Punk-rock T-shirts in Arabic: Casbah remains unrocked.

Gummy Haggis: Angry Scotsman brand.

Milwaukee considering a statue of Arthur Fonzarelli: Jumpable shark optional.

There will be no shooting at pigeons in Cincinnati’s football stadium: More crap coming.

Advice from the Automotive Oil Change Association: Need you ask?

The Outrage Generator: Instant identity politics.

What killed the Eighties? I blame Microsoft.

Finally, a meaningful tattoo: Don’t view publicly.

Squirrels tackle an obstacle course: A nutty goal.

The Avenging Unicorn set: To the point.

Hsu-per California Donors Extradition Opus: Reeking of precocity.

Dr Kevorkian’s Cadillac for sale: Carbon monoxide optional.

Why Subway arranges the cheese slices the way they do: Offending geometric decency.

The “Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit”: Because feces transpire.

Swiss build invisible plane: Wonder Woman shrugs.

When an eel bites its prey, then it drags it away: That’s a moray.

Sony introduces a battery that runs on glucose: Diabetics not impressed.

“Green” concept vehicle from Dubai: One horse power.

Bloggers of the third century: Little has changed.

For a small fee you can own fecal matter from Mike Tyson: Not branded “Turdblossom.”

Yoko Ono likes her Bentley better than your hybrid: A comfort issue.

DVD-sniffing dogs: Region codes, anyone?

What $600k will buy you in New York City: Parking not included.

Virtual fuzzy dice: Microsoft’s killer app.

5000-year-old chewing gum found in Finland: Already been chewed.

Is Rupert Murdoch considering buying out Drew Curtis? Fark’s News Channel?

Fox News in 1949: A different audience.

USB tie fan: Such a blowhard.

A cause you can get behind: Rachel Sawyer’s ass.

How to approach chorizo: Ignore the ingredients.

How much is that doggie in the timeshare? Man’s best rental?

Sixty-foot image of penis burned into lawn surrounding Idaho governor’s mansion: Boise behaving badly?

What would Jesus drive? This modified Mini.

Blu-ray takes the lead over HD DVD in the format wars: Among thieves, anyway.

Is John Edwards “the sexiest woman alive”? Beats Hillary, anyway.

Sales of stockings plummet: Men’s enthusiasm, likewise.

The Washington Shakespeare Company stages an all-nude Macbeth: Out, damned underpants!

The Hillary Nutcracker: Nuts available separately.

“Solar bikini” produces enough power for an iPod: Though not waterproof.

Zombie food pyramid: Recommended nightly allowances.

Can’t afford to buy an iPhone? Knit yourself one.

What’s the opposite of a Care Bear? No antimatter required.

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apparently Fox does.

UK to draw up “bill of rights” for fish: Nothing for chips?

The iDildo: Touch pad? Where?

The case for Troll 2 as worst horror movie sequel ever: No trolls present.

Wes Craven sues Pauly Shore over household runoff: Wow. Seepage, dude.

The 40 Day Fast: Because it matters.

Herman Munster victimized by identity thief: I blame Grandpa.

She’s a lumberjack: And she’s okay.

What’s in your sewing basket? A whole world.

Presbyterian ninjas: Only in Arkansas.

Drywall and masturbation: Together at last.

Water found in Tulsa time capsule where ‘57 Plymouth is buried: Rust never sleeps.

June is National Celibacy Awareness Month: I know. [sigh]

“Booz2Go” powdered alcohol: Just add … water?

8.08 GPA: Cheers are resounding.

Washing machine with an iPod dock: Clean songs only.

Visit the STFU Museum in Tyronza, Arkansas: Silence purely optional.

$82 screw: Pentagon? Nope. Sony.

“Implied ogre nudity”: Shrek, you devil!

Chris Dimino’s The Shining clock: Here’s Johnny — hourly.

Leonard Nimoy’s photos of plus-size nudes: It’s life, Jim.

Obama hawks hybrids, yet drives Chrysler 300C with Hemi: Taste trumps thrift.

What should one name a gar? If female, “Teri.”

The Pessimist Mug: Indicates “half empty.”

Stanford develops “virtual police lineup”: Jack Webb speechless.

“Electronic noses” to do fragrance research now enhanced with synthetic snot: No robot fingers.

Want to save the planet? Don’t travel anywhere.

The Idiot’s Cube: Rubik made easy.

The history of toilet paper: Before Sheryl Crow.

And how was your pizza, sir? “Oh, just fine.”

Spın̈al Tap to reunite at Live Earth: Drummer still undetermined.

The Racial Slur Database: Equal opportunity offenders.

In two weeks Microsoft sells a whole 244 copies of Vista in China: Embedded base: millions.

Oklahoma declares watermelon its state vegetable: After considering Istook.

“Butte blast blamed on leaking gas”: That’s pronounced “byoot.”

Don Ho passes away: Head never nappy.

SD cards and flash drives via vending machine: Jogging your memory.

Bartles and Jaymes to return: Your support solicited.

I read a lot of books, but: Not this many.

Scum: I ain’t afraid.

Uncle Ben, rice magnate: Conversion process complete.

India’s United Villages: Wi-Fi on wheels.

Manolo does huaraches: Eight hundred buckolas.

Washable keyboards: For us klutzes.

What would Reed Richards drive? Apparently a Dodge.

Wireless routers: “Can be tricky.”

“Live each day as though it were your last:” Better yet, don’t.

The Great Pyramid of Cheese: Kraft supplants Art.

Surgeon overdoes liposuction: Half-assed technique.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”: And all this.

DVD-sniffing dogs: Pirates stocking Eukanuba.

American couples increasingly choosing separate bedrooms: Sandman drawing overtime.

USDA may approve rice with human genes: Uncle Ben’s descendants?

“Ann Coulter Does Not Speak for Me”: A different spin.

The Bagel Monologues: Comparatively speaking, anyway.

Is Jenny there? By area code.

Turkish textile shop “borrows” Google name and logo: Searching is encouraged.

“Scum of the Earth” bill moving through Oklahoma legislature: Protection when pregnant.

Steve Martin once wrote of “cruel shoes”: Maybe like these.

Planned Parenthood to offer branded wireless service through Sprint: Termination fees waived.

Tracking down Mr Incredible and family: Perhaps in Tulsa?

Librarians upset with children’s book using the word “scrotum”: This is nuts.

Jack Black’s Beard Lube: Guaranteed positively tenacious.

Rubik’s Revolution: The Cube, illuminated.

Death in a jar: Creamy or crunchy.

“Black/White issues have jumped the shark”: Great White, perhaps?

Streaker meets streaker: It’s true love.

Islam forbids smileys: That’s so :(.

Stephen Colbert’s appeal: Not entirely vanilla.

Lindsay Lohan apparently still has her appendix: In the freezer.

Electrasol Dishwasher Tablets: Do not eat.

RealPlayer: Choice of al-Qaeda?

Your microwave will indeed sterilize that filthy sponge of yours: If it’s wet.

Most De Lorean parts available again: Except flux capacitors.

Your dog wants beer: And a steak.

“Self-flushing, self-washing cat box”: Cats not amused.

Louisville declares war on dogs: Ordinance with teeth.

Hold your wee for a Wii: Not this much.

KISS issues platinum Visa card: Christine Sixteen Percent?

Inventor of ramen noodles dies at 96: Impecunious students mourn.

Fark.com in book form: Duke presumably sucks.

Owl 1, Rabbit 0: How was lunch?

“Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all?” Oh, yes, sir.

Beavis and Butt-head ought to be about 27 by now: But that sucks.

Does this home alarm system really work? Ask the burglar.

Before entering the MRI room, please discard your metal jewelry and keys: And your pistol.

Botanicalls: Call any vegetable.

What if God was one of us? Holy flurking schnit!

Goal: get 100 women into the shower with you: I’m ninety-eight behind.

German newspaper to establish English-language version in Second Life: Virtual birdcages lined.

Miniskirts in wintertime: Not so hot.

Hello Kitty platinum edition: Nineteen million yen.

Microsoft FrontPage: Dead, not gone.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell and may end up in dessert? Dung containing vanillin.

Jersey City: Not that cool. [Not that safe for work, either.]

Build your own Dalek: Extermination module extra.

Spray-on condoms: Do not inhale.

“Second verse, same as the first”: It wasn’t originally.

A true armchair library: Books not included.

Comedy Central’s “Baxter and McGuire”: Animation with balls.

“No death in home”: Major selling point.

“I laughed, but then, it’s not my child”: Worst. Tattoo. Ever.

A chick with big knockers: Balance and symmetry.

New American Express rewards program offers Steinway piano for 7 million points: Beyond my reach.

Woman drinks three liters of Coca-Cola a day, complains about insomnia: Switch to Sprite.

Australians produce playable air guitar using sensors built into a shirt: Air groupies next?

Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream: Future Jones Soda.

Spongebong Hemppants: Serious seaweed here.

Florida constitutional amendment to require 60-percent approval for future amendments passes: With 58 percent.

Woman gets tattoo with image of Anderson Cooper: Olbermann sobbing uncontrollably.

All your fakes are belong to us: Asses fact-checked.

Gawker looking for an alternative term for “douchebag”: Deadline: summer’s eve.

The artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, later Yusuf Islam, now recording simply as “Yusuf”: Madonna, Bono unmoved.

Bob Barker not interested in doing nude scenes: Price apparently wrong.

Nude Auto Mall: No seat covers.

Artificial foreskin for circumcised men: Tips gratefully appreciated.

How to kill a pet fish: Gin, in quantity.

Manufacturer recalling street lights: Pedestrians getting beaned.

“Extra anus” kills four-legged chicken: What an asshole.

Chuck Norris reviews “Chuck Norris Facts”: Not necessarily accurate.

A permanent telephone number: Pray it’s unlisted.

The, um, little Prince: Darling Nikki recoils.

Deep-fried Coca-Cola: No diet version.

Porsche Cayenne Turbo used as police cruiser in Russia: Former police state.

The Romanian word for “assholes” is “gaozar”: Use it wisely.

If you’re going to wander around the office unclothed, you should avoid security cameras: And leather chairs.

Battle of the Album Covers: The vinyl solution.

Instapundit might sell for $800k: Not including “Heh.”

Mark Foley’s iPod playlist: Boys keep swinging.

Fly the friendly skies: Except you, Johnson.

Mary Hart, alas, has not aged well, at least from here up: The legs abide.

You can bid for the right to be a character in Jason Johnson’s new novel: Priced per word.

Robert B. Parker starts a blog: Spenser: For Comments.

British women allegedly spend two years of their lives looking in the mirror: Men, two hours.

Domain okcsonics.com offered for $49,500: No move? 50.

New energy drink called “Cocaine” actually contains lotsa caffeine: She don’t lie.

Top 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports: Second: Dick Trickle.

How to turn children away from cotton candy: Mention clown hair.

“You don’t like my cell phone? What you gonna do about it?” Something like this.

President of Humane Society of US eschews term “dogs” in favor of “Canine-Americans”: “Bitches” presumably verboten.

Gridskipper taking votes for World’s Sexiest City: Lawton unaccountably snubbed.

Prepackaged ice for your bottled water: Freeze it first.

Bath soap with caffeine: Latte, rinse, repeat.

There once was a woman who lived in a shoe: Never sacrificing style.

Lexus hybrid police cruisers put on the streets of England: Fuel-efficient chases.

Mattel sues a Brazilian artist for depicting Barbie as a lesbian: Ken’s clamming up.

Transparent toilet tank incorporates small aquarium: Crappie won’t fit.

Lobsters communicate by urinating on one another: Just like politicians.

New Japanese toilet has built-in MP3 player: Thereby redefining “download.”

Love letters to Castro: A Stalinist tradition.

All your snakes are belong to us: A base canard.

Indian man has two penises, wants to lose one: Anybody taking donations?

Dolphins aren’t so damn smart: The mice knew.

Viagra apparently keeps cut flowers from wilting: Stamens with stamina!

Howard Dean and Cliff Clavin: Separated at birth?

Antibacterial mouse: Sorta safer surfing.

83 words you can’t say on Verizon Wireless: “Dillhole” still permissible.

Banana guard: Not a condom.

The adjective is “Democratic,” not “Democrat”: You fawning publicans.

ESAD: Except for bunnies.

Hormonal functions of semen: Wasted on Kleenex®.

Mozilla reports that Firefox has been downloaded 200 million times: Seven by me.

Time Warner, Comcast dissolve joint cable venture: Moloch hates Beelzebub.

Waterbury, CT considering strict dress code for educators: Van Halen despondent.

Save the Union 76 ball: From Phillips 66.

Pepto-Bismol® ice cream: Reportedly tames hangovers.

Masturbate for Peace: Wanks a lot.

Gummi beers: No, not bears.

Ultra Slut Body Detergent: Goes on easy.

Ann Coulter has instincts similar to Sharon Stone’s: Plus actual underwear.

“Mood sofa” lights change to indicate warmth or distance between its occupants: Where’s the remote?

The Abercrombie & Fitch Trauma Center: Somebody’s reading catalogs.

“Hose Nose” candy boogers: Snot for me.

Fruit loofahs: Contain no juice.

Sophia Loren will pose for the Pirelli calendar wearing nothing but earrings: Thank you, Lord.

Mick Cornett discovers YouTube: Voters stifle yawns.

The new Popemobile is a Volvo XC90: German automakers baffled.

It ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings: Often, she is.

Some places, you can’t even say [CENSORED]tail: What a [CENSORED]ry.

Cats that look like Hitler: Our führery friends.

Mariah Carey’s legs reportedly insured for $1 billion: Voice, fifty bucks.

Changing Windows XP Home to XP Pro with Registry hacks: Microsoft prefers MasterCard.

Not an officially-licensed Snakes on a Plane product: Includes Hiss cards.

Carnegie Mellon builds a robot to play the bagpipes: Does it drink?

Singer Pink would like to be invisible and run around town unclothed: Like, who wouldn’t?

The Yarmulkebra: Fits, no kvetching.

Lesbian refrigerator magnets: Exactly as advertised.

Worst. Apron. Ever: Zero wool content.

A replica of a human colon five meters long goes on display in New Zealand: Super Bowel Sunday?

So how are X-Persons Iceman and Rogue ever supposed to have sex? Think “applied technology.” [Possibly NSFW]

Spammers for Schwarzenegger: Should be Terminated.

The Lord is my Surfer: The biggest Kahuna.

Warning label of the month: Now that’s scary.

Calvin Klein has trademarked the term “technosexual”: Robots should sue.

Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend may have faked his own death: Won’t get physical.

Superman is a Methodist: Clark Kent, anyway.

Jamie Foxx says that 30 minutes of sex daily will keep you in shape: I’m years behind.

“Pimp” is a four-letter word: And deservedly so.

Cordless jump-rope: Next, the bungee.

The Bible on fisting: Among other things. [NSFW]

You can buy Bill Clinton-brand condoms in China: What? No cigars?

This is not Tom Joad’s bookshelf: But he’d understand. [NSFW]

Counseling for your pet? Not here, pal.

Pasco County, Florida nudist resorts fighting for customers: Cover charges reduced?

Who wears short shorts? Iraqis used to.

Experimental “metamaterials” hint at the possibility of personal invisibility: Karl Rove pre-orders.

Indiana high-school student, male, barred from prom after showing up in fuchsia dress and strappy sandals: Was he cute?

New Jersey planning to name a state dirt: Turnpike dust disregarded.

The most sex-obsessed town on the Net: Elmhurst, Illinois? Sheesh.

The Missile Dick Chicks: Piercing satirical act.

Dr Jack Kevorkian reportedly near death: Fetch “The Machine.”

Gummy banana slugs: Just add salt.

“He turned around and smiled at me, you get the picture?” Yes, we see.

DWN (Driving While Nude): Leather seats? Bah.

Women’s mathematical abilities decline if they’re wearing skimpy swimsuits: Different figures entirely.

Singapore bars children from The Da Vinci Code, fearing they might mistake it for fact: Like adults won’t?

Eau de Play-Doh: “Doh!” is right.

Echoes in Boone Pickens Stadium made it hard to hear President Bush’s commencement address at Oklahoma State: No extra charge.

In Blogger spellcheck, “Hyannisport” brings up the suggested change “Hangover”: Kennedy curse, indeed.

Mark Cuban says every billion dollars is worth 10 inches: Color me ingrown.

Artificial strawberry flavoring contains some 40 ingredients: Not one berry.

The ultimate earrings: Don’t panic, scenesters.

Wolfgang Puck’s self-heating canned lattes are being recalled: Serve with torts.

“Mild” form of bird flu found in Camden County, New Jersey: Mild? In Camden?

Marin County, California, has one real-estate agent for every 117 adults: Sell now! Quickly!

Dog condoms: Not for bitches.

A museum in Inner Mongolia says it has a bra a thousand years old: The padding’s gone.

dustbury.com outranks Fark.com in Google search for “jailarity”: Temporary anomaly, certainly.

90 percent of Americans believe there is a national flab problem, but only 39 percent believe themselves to have it: Medium fries, please.

In Perfect Stranger, a voice from the computer (Bruce Willis) instructs Halle Berry to pleasure herself: Ménage à moi?

FBI spokesman says the latest Osama bin Laden tape is “an attempt to remain relevant”: Or appear alive.

Dad makes Kansas girl who ditched school hold up a confession to that effect on a street corner: Everything’s spelled correctly.

Merchants cannot require a minimum purchase to use a credit card: Doritos on Visa!

Pomegranate martinis: Vermouth officially endangered.

18 April is National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day: Sorry, got none.

Blog tip-jar donations should be reported to the IRS as ordinary income: Templates recoded nationwide.

Sweaters for penguins: Well, it’s cold.

Volkswagen to bring back “Rabbit” as US name for the Golf: “Scheisskiste” was taken?

Snakes on a Drink: Not at airports.

US trade deficit with China drops 4.1 percent: Was Wal-Mart closed?

The shooting of Dick Cheney: Halliburton’s insurance adequate.

“Keep the George, lose the Bush”: Hollywood wax job?

The late R&B singer Ernie K-Doe running for Mayor of New Orleans: Improvement over Nagin.

Did Jesus ask Judas to betray him?: Before Dateline, even.

Aspartame is not linked to cancer in humans: It’s still “diet”.

Meredith Vieira to replace Katie Couric at Today: Nicer legs, anyway.

“Boot Camp” allows Intel-based Macs to run Windows apps: Oooh, blue screen!

Note: Links tend to rot away with time.

I’d bet Blago isn’t about to take this sitting down.

(From WLS radio via Michelle Malkin.)

Hyundai is the first automaker to offer a vehicle return program in the U.S. that allows you to walk away from your loan or lease without having to worry about negative equity. It lets you return your vehicle in case of certain life-altering circumstances.

Which could come in handy if next week you go buy that Elantra Touring you wanted and next month they ship your job to Mumbai.

This isn’t unheard of — in fact, Hyundai is adapting a package called “Walkaway” which has been offered by individual dealerships before — but between this and their 10-year warranty, Hyundai is presumably wanting to be your no-sweat car company.

(Seen here.)

Disclosure: I bought the four-year Walkaway package as part of the Gwendolyn acquisition, at a price of $489; I could have had the one-year deal as a throw-in. I have no idea what Hyundai is paying for bulk one-year coverage, or whether vehicle price is at all a factor.

[Probably will not get past your workplace filters.]

If the Teenage Death Song wasn’t dead itself by 1965 — and it wasn’t — it certainly wasn’t because Jimmy Cross didn’t do his darnedest to put the last few nails in its coffin, so to speak. A preposterously funny sendup of the genre in general and of “Leader of the Pack” and “Last Kiss” in particular, Cross’ one chart record, written by Perry Botkin, Jr. and Gil Garfield, is impossible to describe without giving away the joke, but I assure you, he does get his baby back, one way or another.

The last time I saw something like that was, let me see now, oh, yes, here.

Why do I get the feeling that the Clintonistas are surrounding the castle?

sophia loren poses nude Pirelli calendar:  A vision of which I shall never tire.

Donna worked at seven eleven in oklahoma city at SE 44th and Bryant and then moved to texas. Where can I find her:  I’d say a 7-Eleven in Texas might be a good start.

penis shaped fish tattoo:  Is this a tattoo of a penis-shaped fish, or a fish tattoo shaped like a penis?

new orleans woman naked except for panty hose came up to her neck:  I believe that’s called a “body suit.”

what was it like in 1709:  About like this, except that Google took six weeks to answer a query.

percentage of men who wear bikini underwear:  Their own, or someone else’s?

girl that can remember everything:  Women develop this skill after becoming wives.

i bounced a child support check:  So how are things in jail?

Patricia chamless:  Funny, to me she always seemed to have lots of cham.

women nudecar driving:  Is that like, um, with the top down?

i suck at writing:  So get a blog. Who’ll know?

difference between buckshot and shot:  Obviously you’ve never been buckshot.

Martin Luther flatulence:  I blame the Diet of Worms.