We hate your shoes

Well, not all of them, actually:

In a deeply useless survey conducted by CouponCodes4You — a real website conducting real surveys — non-scientists discovered that straight men hate your wedges. The site polled 2,103 American men aged 18 and over, “all of whom were currently in a relationship” (so they’re experts on how women should look?).

Better, I think, they should ask those of us who are not in a relationship and have no reason ever to expect to be: we’re a whole lot less biased.

Some of the numbers:

Respondents were initially asked if they ever noticed what type of shoes their partner wore, to which 79% said they did; while 12% admitted they only noticed “sometimes”.

When asked whether or not they would prefer to choose what type of shoes their partner wore outside of the house, 43% said they would, while the majority, 52%, said they wanted their partner to choose her own personal style. 5% admitted it depended on the event and situation. Furthermore, only 41% of men said that their partner had good taste when it came to personal shoe style, while 59% disagreed.

Now there have been shoes mentioned in this space that seem to have been designed by guys who had little regard for women’s tastes, but we won’t go there.

And then they broke it down by Quantitative Hatred:

1. Wedge shoes — 71%
2. Uggs — 67%
3. Crocs — 63%
4. Platforms — 58%
5. Flip flops — 55%

Either they quit counting at 10, or guys are obsessed with stilettos. Or both.

I admit I enjoyed this comment greatly:

Please, most men only notice two types of shoes: heels and not heels depending on how tall we look and how fast we complain because our feet hurt.

I’ve been complimented by men regarding my shoes, but for the love of Dior, none of them could tell the name of the style. This study is so stupid because [it] is another way to make women feel insecure about ANOTHER thing with their looks.

And I have reason to believe that at least some women are deeply suspicious of men who do know the styles — except, of course, for the Manolo, who can do no wrong.

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Chalk up a victory

You remember Jeff Olson, right? He’s the guy who chalked some protest statements on the sidewalks outside Bank of America, and got the book thrown at him.

Well, that book is now out of print:

A jury Monday acquitted a 40-year-old man of all charges connected with writing protest messages in chalk on the sidewalk outside branches of the Bank of America.

Deliberating for only a few hours, the jury apparently agreed with Filner — declaring Jeff Olson not guilty on all 13 misdemeanor counts.

That’s Mayor Bob Filner, who didn’t think much of this case:

The case has exacerbated the already tense relationship between Mayor Bob Filner, who called the case “stupid” and a “waste of money,” and City Atty. Jan Goldsmith, who defended it as a legitimate prosecution for graffiti vandalism.

Paige Hazard, lead prosecutor, seemed incensed that Olson didn’t accept a plea bargain:

On May 16, Hazard told Olson the City would drop the case if he agreed to serve 32 hours of community service, attend an 8-hour seminar by the “Corrective Behavior Institute,” pay Bank of America $6,299 in restitution for the clean-up, waive all Fourth Amendment rights guarding against search and seizures, and surrender his driver’s license for three year period.”

Perhaps suspecting that the “Corrective Behavior Institute” might be using something like Ludovico’s technique, Olson declined, and Hazard made a second offer:

Olson would plead guilty to one count of vandalism, agree to serve three years probation, pay restitution — amount undetermined, spend 24-hours cleaning up graffiti, and surrender his driver’s license for 2 years.

Still undetermined: whether Olsen is interested in, um, payback. Says one San Diego Reader commenter:

Squirrel Toupee [presumably Jan Goldsmith] had NO chance of winning, yet went to trial. Jeff Olson now has a right to sue the SDPD in federal court for violating his 1st, 4th and 14 Amendment rights. Good job Squirrel Toupee you just cost the city tens of thousands in a civil judgment and hundreds of thousands in legal fees as Squirrel Toupee will be forced to pay Olson’s attorney fees in any civil rights judgment (42 USC 1983, 1988).

If there’s a suit, there will be Squirrel Toupee.

(Via the Consumerist.)

Addendum: Bill Quick observes: “[I]t looks as if the real vindication was of this guy’s anti-BofA message: BofA is obviously too big if it has the San Diego DA doing its bidding like some kind of bitch.”

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It’s all a plot

What’s missing from this press release?

When Screenvision teamed up with Hasbro Studios and Shout! Factory to bring the full-length feature, My Little Pony Equestria Girls to cinemas across the U.S. and Canada beginning June 16 they had great expectations. Those expectations have been exceeded, with packed houses and numerous sell outs by exhibitors in major markets, leading partners to add more showings in both the morning as well as evening times, giving fans more opportunities to experience the film in theatres.

The distributor treated this state like the wrong side of the Everfree Forest: the film played in exactly one theater. In Stillwater, for Celestia’s sake.

And how much actual box office did EqG scare up? Nopony is saying. I’ve been checking Box Office Mojo for a couple of weeks, and I’ve come up empty. I have to assume that this is what Hasbro wanted all along.

(Via Derpy Hooves News.)

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Life unstupefied

You don’t often get moments like this:

One week, we were told to prepare an oral book report to present in front of the class. For my report, I chose a book by Mary Stewart called The Moon Spinners. I had seen the Disney movie with Hayley Mills, and had liked it very much, so I was pleased to have found the book. However, I did not like the book nearly as much as the movie.

Every oral book report had to end with a critique, so when I got up in front of the class I summed up my report by saying that I had not enjoyed the book because I thought it was stupid.

I’m a Mary Stewart fan: I’ve read several of her books, of which This Rough Magic (1964) was my favorite; somehow, I don’t think it was Disney-able.

Anyway, one does not call a book “stupid” without consequences:

I was dispatched post haste to look up the word “stupid” in the dictionary… Every eye in the classroom was on me, and I could hear myself swallow. Finally, facing the classroom which by this time looked more like a firing squad, I began to read the definition out loud. This is what it said:

stu’ pid (adjective) dull, uninteresting: a stupid book.

In that moment, it was as if every cloud in the sky had parted all at once, and I was being touched directly and most personally by the hand of God Almighty Himself. The roar of laughter from my classmates was spontaneous and deafening.

I would have chimed in: “Toldja so.” And, had I done so, I’d be getting out of detention, oh, a week from next Tuesday.

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Doesn’t look deceptive to me

Meagan Good was the lead in NBC’s series Deception, axed by the struggling network last month after eleven episodes. If the star thought she needed some exposure, well, here it is:

Meagan Good at 2013 BET Awards

If you’re asking “What’s holding that dress up?” I’m thinking the answer is “A city ordinance.”

And since Good was on hand to present a BET gospel award — well, as we say down South, praise the Lord.

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I’d give it a 6, maybe

Royal Crown Cola has been owned for several years by Dr Pepper Snapple Group, and try saying that fast three times. Since there was already a Dr Pepper Ten, I figured an RC Ten was inevitable, and when a few bottles showed up at the local store, I snagged a two-liter.

I needn’t have bothered. I have come to the conclusion that diet soda — which is probably no better for you than non-diet soda anyway — uses the flavor equivalent of active noise cancellation: the taste is sufficiently dire to make the inevitable artificial-sweetener aftertaste seem acceptable by comparison. Still, there are worse items on the shelf, and I’m sure I’ve bought them from time to time.

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What are we dealing 4?

And the other shoe drops:

Tribune Co. agreed to buy Local TV Holdings LLC’s 19 television stations for $2.73 billion in cash, the biggest U.S. broadcasting deal in six years, to get better negotiating leverage with advertisers and cable companies.

The acquisition of Local TV, principally owned [by] Oak Hill Capital Partners, will almost double the number of Tribune’s stations to 42, according to a statement today. The Local TV assets include 16 markets, with top-rated stations in Denver, Cleveland and St. Louis, the companies said.

In that portfolio: KFOR (channel 4) and KAUT (channel 43) in Oklahoma City, which were last sold in 2007.

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Excessive heat warning

In parts of Orange County, California, you’d better be a tantalum hafnium carbide-based life form:

Weather map from KNBC

If it makes you feel cooler, they’re predicting only 4090° Celsius in Irvine.

(Tweeted by @sfgirl this evening.)

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A colorful summer drink

Or, you know, not:

Do not drink bleach

You probably shouldn’t drink that stuff. If you won’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe Bill Gates.

(Another bit of newspaper WTF from Criggo.com.)

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Suffer, serf

It’s going to get harder to get proper pain medication, warns Roberta X:

As someone who has (comparatively mild) chronic pain, and who has had worse and been on the stronger stuff for it, I will once more point out the obvious: in general, these drugs are not addictive when they are taken for pain; it’s after the pain is gone and the patient has some left that the trouble can start: without pain to dull, a Vicodin (etc.) has pretty much the effect of a couple of highballs, a nice warm glow. (The stuff’ll stop you up worse than a block of government cheese, too, a side-effect rarely mentioned). It can be insidious.

Is it so dire a threat that making your great-Aunt with trigeminal neuralgia writhe in pain for two-three days is an okay price? As it turns out, neither the pharmacy nor the drug warriors much care. Caring isn’t their job.

Your mileage, of course, may vary. My own experience is much like hers, albeit at a much lower level, since I’ve never actually had to take the darn things for more than a week at a time. As for that rarely-mentioned side effect, well, there are times when that’s the result you want.

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Small frustrations

There are things which will make you tear your hair out, and then there are things which will merely make you drop your comb.

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A large volume of adventures

As you’ve probably heard, Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 100 Greatest Novels Ever is headed by Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, which was a relatively safe choice, but not an obvious one. Down at #89 was one of my favorites: Laurence Sterne’s The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, which I read at fifteen while everyone else was tackling The Great Gatsby (a socially promoted #2). Says the mag of Tristram:

The original anti-novel. An outrageous account of the life of the titular character, whose hilariously meandering digressions ensure that it’s hundreds of pages before he even reaches his birth. This is postmodern literature written before modernism even existed.

That word “modernism” must have thrown them off, because they listed the book as having been published in 1895, which is off by thirteen decades or so. (The first two volumes — there are nine — appeared in 1759; the last dates to 1767.)

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Strange search-engine queries (387)

You’d think the people would have had enough of silly search strings, but I look at my Monday visitor stats, and I see it isn’t so.

“we built this city on basketball:”  If you’re talking Detroit, you need help. Fast. Like before next season.

vs bra haul:  I guess this would be useful if you have one of those mileage-at-any-cost vehicles with a towing capacity of 42 lb.

invisible woman lover:  On the upside, she’d be pretty easy to sneak past the doorman.

susanna hoffs genetics:  Judging by the looks of her, she had some of the best.

wandering eyes solution:  Paste pictures of Susanna Hoffs to the inside of your contact lenses.

real usable brave little toaster that toasts bread:  And, in a pinch, can rescue danish in distress.

chevrolet warrenty homophobic:  More propaganda from the people carrying those “GOD HATES FORDS” signs.

wet pussy driving car:  Okay, who dunked Toonces in the koi pond?

kickass proxy ann breen not my mother’s pearls:  If you work with networks for any extended period, you learn that no proxy is truly kickass.

ralph nader auto ventilation:  Nader owns no car, so keeping one ventilated is not an issue — at least, not personally.

beware the righteous man:  Especially if he owns no car.

It’s A Disaster itunes:  Another happy 11.0 user.

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Digital Botox

It’s a facelift for the Oklahoman, and editor Kelly Dyer Fry makes the pitch:

I hope you have noticed a difference in our style over the last several weeks. We know you are inundated with news throughout your day, so we are working hard to bring you new perspectives each morning. We want to focus on what matters to you, your family, your job and your community.

We are focusing on stories that have an impact. We want to bring you articles that help you understand, help you make sense of the world around you, and help bring you closer to the scene.

And by “you” I presume they don’t mean me, since I make a point of not being inundated by news, or even by “news.”

Which is why I was a fan of afternoon papers for so long: it’s much easier for me to give my attention to the product while sleepwalking my way through dinner. But that’s not going to happen ever again: news providers reason, probably correctly, that what with constant online updates, afternoon papers are deader than pocket squares.

And this bothers me:

We want to bring you stories with heart, stories with soul.

Screw that. I want to see some stories with brains. At least they’re occasionally importing some good stuff from the Tulsa World.

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When it doesn’t pay to come out of the dugout

It was a “nightmarish start,” said the Kansas City Star of Wade Davis’ 69-pitch performance against the Twins last night, during which Davis managed to get only three batters out.

It didn’t seem so bad at the beginning. Clete Davis flied out to left; Brian Dozier drew a walk. Then things got complicated. Joe Mauer walked, sending Dozier to second; Justin Morneau doubled to deep center, scoring Dozier and Mauer; Trevor Plouffe homered, scoring Morneau and himself. At least the bases are empty, Davis might have thought, and surely he felt better when Oswaldo Arcia struck out. Then Chris Parmelee walked, and Jamey Carroll singled to second, sending Parmelee to third. Pedro Florimon singled to second, bringing home Parmelee and moving Carroll to third. Finally, Clete Davis came back; he went down swinging. Fifty-three pitches in all.

The second inning? Well, Dozier singled to right center, Mauer walked, Morneau walked, and with the bases loaded, Davis was sent off to Showerville, leaving Will Smith to get out of the inning. (Plouffe sacrificed to right, scoring Dozier, and then Arcia obligingly grounded into a double play.)

Said Davis afterwards:

“I tried a bunch of different things. I tried slowing it down and speeding it up. Different arm angles. It’s just one of those [things] that sucks.”

Says baseball-reference.com, this is a record level of futility, breaking the previous record (67) for most pitches for three outs or fewer.

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Gotta get down on fried eggs

That old egg-on-the-sidewalk thing is so last summer. Instead, mix up a batch of cookie dough, then proceed as follows:

Set the sections of dough several inches from one another on a standard cookie sheet. Place the cookie sheet on the dashboard of a minivan without tinted windows. Drive to downtown Phoenix on the hottest day of the year. Bake for two to four hours at 116° (47°C). Make sure news media are on hand.

Caution: Product will be hot.

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