Not to be confused with National Bohemian

Raise a suitable container of Queen Bohemian Lager:

An official Queen-branded lager has been announced.

Entitled “Queen Bohemian Lager” after the band’s classic hit “Bohemian Rhapsody,” the beer has been released in conjunction with the 40 year anniversary of their 1975 hit single.

It comes just months after the band released their own brand of vodka — “Killer Queen” after the hit single of the same name. That too was celebrating its 40th anniversary.

I’m wondering what we get when “Fat Bottomed Girls” turns 40 in 2018.

Disclosure: I have had exactly one Natty Boh in my life.

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A flower for everybody

About 2007, I came up with this bit of whimsy:

Maybe it’s time for something other than numbers. Example: In the early 1950s, hosiery manufacturers were trying to distinguish among a line of three or four sizes without using accusative terms like, say, “large.” I shuffled through some advertising pieces from this period and happened upon a 1953 ad from Wayne Knitting Mills, who sold stockings under the Belle-Sharmeer brand. They offered four sizes, as follows:

  • BREV (purple edge) for slender or small legs. Sizes 8 to 10½
  • MODITE (green edge) for average size legs. Sizes 8½ to 11
  • DUCHESS (red edge) for tall, larger legs. Sizes 9½ to 11½
  • CLASSIC (plain edge) for largest legs. Sizes 9½ to 11½

You might guess that “Brev” had something to do with shortness, but the others tell you nothing.

Welcome to Manifesta, where there are no sizes, only flowers:

We don’t want there to be an inherent order to the sizes, with women striving to fit into the smallest number possible. And we don’t want women to feel bad for ordering a size that society has deemed “unacceptable.” We just want you to get what fits. So to find your size, use your measurements, not society’s idea of what you should be.

Okay, one gives it away, maybe: “Willow,” for 36-24-36 or thereabouts. (“If she’s five-three,” said Mix-A-Lot.) From there, the range goes from “Poppy” to “Dahlia.” And if this sounds a trifle Garanimalistic, well, who believes numerical sizes anymore?

(Via Fark.)

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Buzzless and overfed

Lileks contemplates the horror that is BuzzFeed:

Ninety-two percent of the content on the site is mediocre; seven percent has a serious subject and relies on other sources rewritten in VERY BIG TYPE yelling at you in between the pictures — there are lots of pictures, there have to be lots of pictures — and one percent might be “long form” stuff that’s supposed to make you nod and say “my, BuzzFeed is really upping their game. Bow. Down.” The rest of it is obviously juvenile, but it’s neither aimed at juveniles or written by juveniles. It’s written by self-infantilizing adults for peers who are equally unaccomplished. It’s a a bunch of chickens running around in circles, and none of them have the skill to get off the ground and fly somewhere higher.

Ever since the flowering of the hated Baby Boomers, the prolonging of adolescence past all understanding has been a priority of this culture; BuzzFeed was inevitable under those conditions.

This is the part that hurts, though:

Here’s the thing: appearing on that site is regarded as a résumé builder.

Well, yeah. It’s not that Serious Journalism is actually serious anymore: it’s a mixture of thinly disguised hit pieces, utterly undisguised hit pieces, and lots and lots of filler. There isn’t an online editor out there who wouldn’t sell her own never-to-be-born children for ten percent more clicks. Forget Strunk and White; today belongs to Titus Andronicus.

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We’ll make that decision for you

After this colossal stunt, what could Samsung possibly do to make matters worse? How about this?

On my home forum Sysnative, a user (wavly) was being assisted with a [Windows Update] issue, which was going well, aside from the fact that wavly’s WU kept getting disabled randomly. It was figured out eventually after using auditpol.exe and registry security auditing that the program that was responsible for disabling WU was Disable_Windowsupdate.exe, which is part of Samsung’s SW Update software.

SW Update is your typical OEM updating software that will update your Samsung drivers, the bloatware that came on your Samsung machine, etc. The only difference between other OEM updating software is, Samsung’s disables WU.

So he caught a Samsung tech in chat, and after a couple of pages of the Prescribed Script, the tech came clean:

When you enable Windows updates, it will install the Default Drivers for all the hardware [on] laptop which may or may not work. For example if there is USB 3.0 on laptop, the ports may not work with the installation of updates. So to prevent this, SW Update tool will prevent the Windows updates.

@SwiftOnSecurity, when she read this, commented:

She was being kind. I do like my little Samsung flip-phone, but then it doesn’t require anything as complicated as Windows Update.

Update, 26 June: Samsung says it will stop doing that “in a few days.” Quipped @SwiftOnSecurity: “I hope Microsoft threatened them with the banhammer.”

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Crush zone

The July Collectible Classic in Automobile is the legendary Alfa Romeo Spider, manufactured from 1966 to 1994, and Kara Snow’s description of her ’74 made my heart melt a little:

The Spider adds a little Italian sophistication to everyday life. Rare are the days one can cruise the sun-dappled country roads of Tuscany or visit Verona for espresso and biscotti at a posh outdoor bistro. Yet I can wrap my head in a diaphanous scarf, don sunglasses and driving gloves, and stomp on the gas pedal with a Prada stiletto, transforming the mean L.A. streets into an Italian daydream. You’ll get no such experience in a Mazda Miata.

If your immediate reaction is “Well, yeah, but the Mazda won’t break during your daydream,” let me go back to the end of the previous paragraph:

[M]ost repairs can be done in the driveway. For instance, I replaced the Spider’s stock Spica fuel-injection system with twin Italian-built Weber carburetors in an afternoon.

For, you see, I have daydreams of my own.

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How quickly they grow

So this came up last night:

I thought at first it was something like the old Chinese saw about “you’re one year old the day you’re born,” but that couldn’t be right, could it?

Well, no, not exactly:

Koreans generally refer to their age in units called sal, using Korean numerals in ordinal form. Thus, a person is one sal during the first calendar year of life, and ten sal during the tenth calendar year.

The 100th-day anniversary of a baby is called baegil, which literally means “a hundred days” in Korean, and is given a special celebration, marking the survival of what was once a period of high infant mortality. The first anniversary of birth named dol is likewise celebrated, and given even greater significance. Koreans celebrate their birthdays, even though every Korean gains one ‘sal’ on New Year’s Day. Because the first year comes at birth and the second on the first day of the lunar New Year, a child born, for example, on December 29 (of the lunar calendar) will reach two years of age on Seollal (Korean New Year), when they are only days old in western reckoning.

For the record, Lee Min-ho was born on 22 June 1987. We’d call him twenty-eight.

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Strong enough for a woman

And heaven help the man who tries it:

When I began my exploration of gendered food items, I was hoping for a dramatic payoff. Perhaps a set of fuzzy breasts sprouting from my chest, or some semblance of emotional intelligence, or at least a clearer understanding of how cereal, salad, and trail mix can be feminine. Instead, I got a pile of cardboard packaging and confirmation of my thesis: marketing something as “for women” — the pinks and purples, the low-calorie labels, the suggestions that life is just sooooo crazy and women need to take a break with a thumbnail-sized brownie — is the dumbest gimmick in food marketing.

He says he did check himself for nardlessness. Among the items in question:

You’re no doubt aware of Luna Bars, which have been around for 16 years and say right there on the wrapper that they’re a “whole nutrition bar for women.” A handful of other products, including Mother’s Milk tea and an untold number of chalky bars, take a similarly explicit approach. They’re typically fortified with extra calcium, vitamin D, or other nutrients ostensibly important to running a woman. But most of the food products that are “for women” stay away from mentioning nutrients. Like Activia and Special K, they’re pitched with ads full of women, touted as a convenient way to “have it all,” and always framed as a weapon in the never-ending fight against fat.

Honestly? I saw my first Luna Bar last month. And I thought: “How is this fair when Celestia gets cake?

After a week of eating like this, I learned a few things about food “for women.” First of all, it’s sweet. The breakfast, the snacks, the ostensibly healthy bars — all loaded with sugar or some form of sugar substitute. This, the packaging taught me, is because women are always thinking about dessert. They always want something decadent — but they mustn’t! That would make them fat. These snacks are attempts to approximate dessert without the calories. But they’re bad approximations. Dessert isn’t just about tasting the brownie; it’s about becoming comatose on the brownie. Eighty calories won’t get you there.

The other clear lesson was that food “for women” just isn’t enough food. Not unless you eat double the portion at each sitting. Maybe that’s because I’m a man and I need additional calories. But more likely it’s because this stuff is designed to starve you.

Which is supposedly what the women want, only they aren’t supposed to say so.

He did admit to finding the Luna Bar acceptable. But after two weeks of this stuff, he might have been ready for a Yorkie bar.

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Cutest drug-runners ever

Not only are they snuggly, they’re smuggly:

Spanish police have arrested a Venezuelan veterinarian wanted by the US for allegedly trafficking heroin by implanting it in puppies.

Andres Lopez Elorza was arrested on Saturday in the northwestern town of Santa Comba, where he had been hiding after the National Court authorized his extradition last month, a Civil Guard spokesman on Tuesday said.

So simple. Seal it in a bag, seal the bag under the dog’s fur. (What’s the next step beyond the death penalty?)

Police said Colombian authorities discovered 6.6 lb of heroin implanted in three puppies during a 2005 raid on a clinic the vet ran in Medellín.

The statement said the vet was a member of drug-trafficking gang that used dogs to send liquid heroin from Colombia to the United States.

“Venezuelan news,” says Fausta, “have become the stuff Werner Herzog movies are made of.” Ouch.

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Relax and jill out

The last time we checked in with the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, they’d come up with a term to replace “hymen”: “slidkrans,” which has the advantage of not meaning “membrane.”

That was five years ago. And it’s not like the RFSU has had nothing to do since then:

Last year, Swedish Association for Sexuality Education announced it was holding a poll to find a new word for the act as an important step in establishing equality for the sexes. Now, from more than 1,200 suggestions, the winner has emerged as “Klittra,” a combination of Clitoris and Glitter.

Guys, of course, have been holding their polls for years. Or something like that.

But what about further afield? The reaction to the story in the English-speaking world suggests that there isn’t currently a suitable term for female masturbation in English, and the concept and etymology of the Swedish term make it a perfect candidate to fill a void that is just as pressing in English as it is in Swedish.

So don’t be surprised to see Klittra make the move across languages in the next few years and establish itself as the world’s universal term for what is, after all, a universal act.

Mulva (or was it Dolores?) was not available for comment.

(With thanks to Nancy Friedman.)

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Aw, stick it in your ear

No! Wait! Don’t do that! It says so right on the package…

Of course, any tool can be misused. Using one of these to clean a clogged spritzer from a bottle of Axe Body Spray would be unforgivable.

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Rabbit is less silly

You remember the litany: “Raspberry red! Lemon yellow! Orange orange!” They can stay. The rest of the colors have gotta go:

General Mills says it’s getting rid of artificial flavors and colors from all of its cereal lines.

Say goodbye to Red 40, Yellow 6, Blue 1 and other artificial dyes common in some cereals, especially those sweet and brightly colored cereals aimed at kids. Instead, General Mills says it will use colors made from spices and fruit and vegetable concentrates.

The company announced today that it’ll start the process by first removing all the artificial stuff from Trix, Cocoa Puffs and Reese’s Puffs by the end of the year.

All the Puffs, in other words. (Except for Kix, which is a Puff but which never had either flavor or color, artificial or otherwise.)

And Trix specifically will look different — it won’t have green and blue puffs anymore, as it’s tough to make blue food colors with natural ingredients. Without blue, it’s impossible to create green.

“Trix is known for color, so this hit Trix pretty hard,” said Kate Gallagher, a General Mills cereal developer. Natural ingredients the company tried to get those same colors didn’t work out so well.

The New England Confectionary Company could probably have told you that.

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She’s right, you know

You’re out of superglue. Really, you are:

Superglue is the kind of thing you see on the impulse buy rack while you’re patiently waiting in line at Walmars and silently judging the fashion choices of the landwhale in front of you and taking stealthy pictures with your cell phone, or you would if you could just for fuck’s sake remember to silence the little picture-taking noise so we don’t have yet ANOTHER incident. Then you get the superglue home and you carefully open it to glue that ceramic ostrich’s beak back on, and by the time you get your fingers unstuck from each other, the superglue has turned to granite inside the tiny tiny oh so tiny tube. So you never already HAVE superglue. You have to go get it.

To verify this, I went to yon Junk Drawer and extracted my precious bottle of superglue. The contents were seemingly as dense as osmium and about as permeable. I think I’d used it — wait a minute, has anyone in the history of the world ever managed to get two uses out of a single bottle?

Hint: If this first paragraph is true, probably not. In which case, this business model suddenly looks viable:

Someone needs to open up a business where you can come in with your broken stuff and pay a small fee to use THEIR superglue.

Endorsed heartily.

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Perhaps a tad less well

Welsh singer Duffy, born on this date in 1984, burst onto the scene in 2008 with two dynamite singles, the forceful “Mercy” and the pensive “Warwick Avenue”; the Rockferry album won her a Grammy in 2009 for Best Pop Vocal Album. She also, I am informed, puts on a heck of a live show:

Duffy in concert

Then this happened:

Cover of Endlessly by Duffy

Perhaps the blame lay with the one and only single released from the album, which seemed to go over well but which charted low in Europe and not at all in the States:

That was October ’10. The following February, her new management announced that there would be no further singles from Endlessly, and that Duffy would be taking a two-year break from the music biz. I haven’t heard from her since.

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Flinging the door open

State Democrats are contemplating abandoning the closed-primary model:

Oklahoma’s 261,000 independent voters would be allowed to cast votes in Democratic primary elections under a proposal state party delegates are expected to support in a meeting next month.

The move is intended to show the party is inclusive of differing viewpoints and is aimed at boosting support for Democratic candidates in a state dominated by the GOP.

I’m not quite sure how this would work to the party’s advantage. Most of the people I know around here who are registered Independent did so because (1) the Democrats weren’t far enough to the left or (2) the Republicans aren’t far enough to the right. (Yes, Virginia, it is possible for Republicans to be even farther to the right, though I believe this is due to repositioning of the center.) Still, that’s more anecdote than data.

On balance, given the generally horrible way the state treats independent candidates, the widening of the Democratic tent might prove to be a good thing in the long run, provided the GOP doesn’t get the same idea, and I’m thinking they won’t:

Randy Brogdon, the tea party favorite who is chairman of the state Republican party, has no interest in allowing independents to participate in GOP primaries.

“A majority of the independents have come from the Republican party primarily because we haven’t done an excellent job of promoting Republican principles of limited government and lower taxes,” he said. “We want to give them a reason to come back.”

I’ll give Brogdon this: he’s right about the lack of excellence. And there’s an issue for the GOP at the national level as well:

Whereas the Democrat Party is run by people who actually share the same beliefs as the people who vote for the Democrat Party, the GOP is run by people who do not remotely give a fuck about GOP voters. Karl Rove hates Republican voters. All elite GOP operatives share a profound disdain for the party’s grassroots electoral base.

There’s one tent that won’t be expanding.

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Just a tad ungrounded

A lot of people undertake DIY projects which, in retrospect, should have been outsourced to someone who knows what the hell she’s doing. I suspect that’s the way this story ends:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why does my solar panel junction box have 3 terminals surly it only needs 2 positive and negative?

He’d really be surly if he encountered four wires.

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Watching Kitty land

About three years ago, I did a brief piece on a Hello Kitty-branded jet, courtesy of Taiwan’s Eva Air. I did not anticipate it might ever fly to the States at all, let alone to Houston, Texas [warning: autostart video]:

When Taiwanese carrier Eva Air, which Friday launched its nonstop service between Taipei and Bush Intercontinental Airport, promises your flight will have plenty of Hello Kitty, it is not kidding.

The outside of the plane, newly painted, is emblazoned with Hello Kitty and related characters.

Inside the jet, Hello Kitty is queen. Carrots and fruit are cut in the shape of her face and into star shapes for in-flight meals. Hello Kitty keeps you company in the bathroom with printed toilet paper and helps you sleep soundly on a Hello Kitty pillow.

How much of this will Houston be able to take?

Eva Air’s Taipei-to-Houston route will initially have flights three days a week, all on the themed jet. The frequency jumps to four days in July, with the fourth flight on a regular plane. The Boeing 777-300ER has 333 seats, consisting of 39 business class, 56 premium economy and 238 economy.

Truth be told, the concept of “premium economy” perplexes me more than Hello Kitty ever did.

(Via Fark.)

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