The latest whiz kids

I admit to a certain difficulty trying to determine a motive here:

Imagine going to Walmart only to find that what you need is off the shelf. Not because it’s out of stock, but because it’s been soaked with doe urine.

Arrest and booking reports show that the damage amounted to more than $2,500.

I mean, who carries this stuff around? Besides deer, I mean, and they get rid of it as quickly as they can.

Police said Cody Hudson, 18, and Jon Ohlman, 24, sprayed doe urine on toys, fabrics and shoes inside the Walmart near East 96th Street North and Highway 169 in Owasso.

I’m guessing the culprits, nabbed right across the street, were not exactly fawned over.

(Via Consumerist.)

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Nothing new under the sunroof

The view from the driver’s seat of the freshly-hatched 2015 Lincoln MKC:

Instrument panel of 2015 Lincoln MKC

(Photo from worldautomodification.com.)

The buttons down the upper left side of the center stack bear letters you’ve seen before: P, R, N, D, S. (The last one is the engine start/stop switch.)

Now really: how much has changed in fifty-nine years?

Advertisement for 1956 Dodge

Oh, yeah: the Lincoln has shift paddles. Hot (actually kinda tepid) diggity.

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Down on the hardwood plantation

Bruce Levenson, majority owner of the Atlanta Hawks, has decided to give up his stake in the team, presumably in atonement for revealing, in a 2012 email to GM Danny Ferry, some insensitive-sounding sentiments about the fan base’s demographics:

for the first couple of years we owned the team, i didn’t much focus on game ops. then one day a light bulb went off. when digging into why our season ticket base is so small, i was told it is because we can’t get 35-55 white males and corporations to buy season tixs and they are the primary demo for season tickets around the league. when i pushed further, folks generally shrugged their shoulders. then i start looking around our arena during games and notice the following:

— it’s 70 pct black

— the cheerleaders are black

— the music is hip hop

— at the bars it’s 90 pct black

— there are few fathers and sons at the games

— we are doing after game concerts to attract more fans and the concerts are either hip hop or gospel.

Then i start looking around at other arenas. It is completely different. Even DC with its affluent black community never has more than 15 pct black audience.

Levenson, it should be noted, works out of Washington.

Anyway, he found the situation intolerable:

I have been open with our executive team about these concerns. I have told them I want some white cheerleaders and while i don’t care what the color of the artist is, i want the music to be music familiar to a 40 year old white guy if that’s our season tixs demo. i have also balked when every fan picked out of crowd to shoot shots in some time out contest is black. I have even bitched that the kiss cam is too black.

Gradually things have changed. My unscientific guess is that our crowd is 40 pct black now, still four to five times all other teams. And my further guess is that 40 pct still feels like 70 pct to some whites at our games. Our bars are still overwhelmingly black.

This is obviously a sensitive topic, but sadly i think it is far and way the number one reason our season ticket base is so low.

And many of our black fans don’t have the spendable income which explains why our f&b and merchandise sales are so low. At all white thrasher games sales were nearly triple what they are at hawks games (the extra intermission explains some of that but not all).

The Atlanta Thrashers, a National Hockey League team, were sold in 2011, and the new owners relocated them to Winnipeg, giving Atlanta the dubious distinction of having lost two NHL teams to Canadian ownership. (The Calgary Flames were the Atlanta Flames through 1980.)

Oh, and you may be certain that Levenson officially took a dim view of the racist leanings of former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling: in April he said that he would support Sterling’s ouster. So give the man credit for consistency, for volunteering for his own. But could this simply be that Levenson hopes for a Sterling-sized payoff? The Hawks, up to now, have been worth maybe one-fifth the $2 billion Steve Ballmer put up to own the Clips.

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Strange search-engine queries (449)

Welcome to Monday. Here’s what you (not you you, necessarily) were looking for last week.

muslims cameltoe:  Not the same thing. They use real camels.

how to set tappets on a mazda 626 1983 model:  Did you consider checking this out with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers? Because this is, like, their wheelhouse.

hit records that should be in stereo:  These days, all of them. Then again, they’re so loud, who can tell?

rolling stones monaural records:  Practically all of them in the Andrew Loog Oldham days, with the exception of the ones recorded at Chess in Chicago. Then again, they’re so loud, who can tell?

the invisible woman 1983:  Haven’t seen her since.

names of female that can turn invisible:  I warn you, she may not look like her passport photo.

what can i put in my cd4e transmission to quiet the pump:  The proper fluid, for once?

are specialistauthors.com spammers:  No. They’re just hard up for work.

threadbare essentials:  The epitome of shabby chic.

pictures of mature sexy irish tinker women:  Come on now. Be specific.

andrea harris in a thong:  Not a chance. Trust me.

trip to gunnison beach saw penises:  What were you expecting, some sort of Playboy pictorial? Approximately half the population has penises (usually men).

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Indy Rock City

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but paper causes lawsuits:

KISS bassist Gene Simmons is among the defendants being sued by a security guard over a confetti-initiated stage accident during a 2012 concert in Noblesville, Indiana.

Courthouse News Service reports security guard Timothy Funk says he worked the band’s September 1, 2012 show at the city’s Klipsch Music Center and was injured after falling on the “slippery, waxy, and glassy” stage.

According to Funk’s lawsuit, “some or all of the defendants” sprayed water from hoses “on the stage, the area around the stage, and on some of the crowd.” They also sprayed confetti around the stage and crowd “in a foolish and reckless manner,” Funk claimed.

Remember, kids: use confetti responsibly.

Said defendants include Live Nation (as owner of the Klipsch Center) and Simmons’ production company.

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Quote of the week

In Iraq War 3.0, whose boots will actually be on the ground? A prediction by nemo paradise:

So, if the Kurds (excellent cavalrymen all, and demonstrably fierce warriors) and the “Iraqi security forces” (who, when they last encountered ISIS, ran like scalded dogs, littering the battlefield with weapons ranging from pistols and rifles to armored personnel carriers and field artillery) are going to do the actual fighting, what is left for the US/Euro coalition?

According to our sources, the following assignments are contemplated:

U.S.: Carpet-bombing.
Britain: Blathering and pettifoggery.
France: Catering.
Australia: Loud insults.
Canada: Snowplows.
Germany: Beer.
Turkey: Colorful banners.
Italy: White flags.
Poland: Paprika.
Denmark: Skis and luges.

At least they’re contributing in the way they know best. I am minded of General Schwarzkopf’s comment on our catering-minded ally: “Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

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Can we all get along?

In which I attempt to answer the question posed by the late Rodney King, with a notable lack of success.

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Maybe they need fiber

Somehow I suspect this will not sell any product:

[Home DIY Network Presents]
Build Anything with Success and ease
The Faster & Easier Way To Woodworking
————————————————-
Over 16,000 Step-by-step plans

Put yeast into a small bowl with 1/4 cup warm water, 110-115 degrees F, for about 5 minutes and let it foam. In a large mixing bowl put the hot milk, hot water, salt, sugar and shortening and let it cool to lukewarm, add yeast and 3 cups of flour and beat until smooth.

You have to see how cool this is…

I swear, the spammers aren’t even trying anymore.

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Sign of the Times

The Los Angeles Times cuts its home-delivery price, if not to the bone, certainly to a sinew or two:

Los Angeles Times subscription card

I mean, three bucks a week will barely buy you that much wood pulp.

I do hope, though, that no one (1) fills in a credit-card number and (2) drops the card in the mail. (In very tiny print at the bottom, the Times suggests you mail it in an envelope.)

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Must be the drugs

This bit of weirdness was submitted to another site I run — strangely, or maybe appropriately, to a post called “Unconscious hilarity”, which was about, you guessed it, comment spam.

I can only affirm three answers, (2, 6, 8) and with serious qualifications on #2 (if it weren’t for my wife and sons I would have no pets).

Christopher Street West, Town of West Hollywood, spouse organizations, supporters and sponsors all contribute to support and celebrate the June 28, 1969 anniversary of the Stonewall Rebellion in Ny.

An important aspect of buying real estate is feeling at ease with the professional who’s helping you.

The intended link was to a site named for a diet pill; methinks the bots have had too much exposure to drug-addled humanoids.

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Joan of Snark

There’s not much that can be said about the late Joan Rivers that isn’t said here:

Okay, maybe one more thing. In her 2012 book I Hate Everyone, Starting With Me, she addressed daughter Melissa:

“When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé’s.”

It will indeed be a showbiz affair:

Joan Rivers is getting her final wish. The late legendary comedienne and E! Fashion Police host will have a red carpet at her funeral in NYC on Sunday, Sept. 7, an insider confirms exclusively to Us Weekly. The rug, which Rivers’ family and friends will walk upon outside Temple Emanu-El, will then be buried with the star.

Seems only fitting.

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Wayne’s whirled

Carol Wayne, born on this date in 1942, started out as a perfectly serious figure skater, and later became a perfectly serious actress. Here we see her on an episode of I Spy, making a perfectly serious phone call:

Carol Wayne in The Trouble with Temple episode of I Spy

However, she’s probably best remembered as the Matinee Lady opposite Tea Time Movie host Art Fern:

Carol Wayne with Johnny Carson

I have no idea what that day’s movie was, but I suspect the sponsor was located near the Slauson Cutoff.

She died under mysterious circumstances in Mexico in 1985. All the more reason, I think, to see that she’s not forgotten. (As if.)

Update: Substituted another picture for the second one. (See comments).

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A dubious anniversary

It was on this day in 2006 that I restarted the Movable Type database. (This was the last post in the first MT database.) And it was two years and one day later when I washed my hands of it and switched to WordPress.

From that first post in the second MT database:

The most maddening thing, of course, is that during the Quiet Times, my traffic went up about twelve percent. Obviously I should post less.

So why start again? Well, for one thing, the old database, with seven thousand and odd items, was getting cranky. For another, it’s not like anything is missing: all the old posts are still archived and are available at their original URLs. And the last time I ran an export of said database, it clipped off at the 18-MB point for some reason, meaning that if I reimported it, I’d have to port over a couple months’ worth of entries anyway, and I’ve already put enough work into this thing.

The Quiet Times, incidentally, lasted less than 36 hours, and didn’t interrupt my run of Consecutive Days With Posts.

But this almost did:

For some incredibly-stupid reason, I decided to try to update Movable Type from 3.21 all the way up to 4.21 on 6 September 2008. It took four hours, and not everything is in place just yet: the comments popup doesn’t work, for one thing. (It may never work again; they said they were dropping support for it, and while I’m looking for a workaround, there’s a limit to how much I’m willing to put up with just to retain a feature.)

Also, until further notice, any comments that do come in will have to sit in the moderation queue until I have that rearranged to my liking.

But it’s late and I need some sleep and I’m not going to work on this mess any further until I get some. Sleep, I mean.

That was about one-thirty on the morning of the 7th. About 13 hours later:

There is a limit to how much I’m willing to endure, and some time today I reached it. We are now running WordPress 2.6.1. All of the old posts remain in their original locations; posts for this month were imported to WP and can be read here. It will be a while before I have links up to everything else, the way I used to.

Eventually, I moved all the posts from those two years. (The stuff from before 6 September 2006 is still where it used to be.)

I’ve had some scary moments in these six years, but I’m still on WordPress — now version 4.0.

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Now that’s total recall

It’s seldom that an automaker has to recall 100 percent of a model year, but it’s happened to supercar maker Koenigsegg. Not that this is a lot of cars, of course:

Koenigsegg Automotive AB (Koenigsegg) is recalling one model year 2013 Agera vehicle manufactured in December 2012, equipped [with] a BF1 Systems Tire Pressure Monitoring System (TPMS). The affected vehicle may experience the TPMS system not illuminating the TPMS malfunction indicator light when the vehicle is restarted. Thus, this vehicle fails to comply to the Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standard No. 138, “Tire Pressure Monitoring Systems.”

One. Apparently this car is the only ’13 Agera actually sold in the States. I don’t know how many of them were actually built, but “planned volume is 12 to 15 cars per year,” most of which probably went to Dubai or some such place.

The bf1systems (to give it its proper stylization) TPMS is very popular in the supercar market:

bf1systems’ Tyre Pressure Monitoring Systems can be found as standard fit on cars such as the Bugatti Veyron, Lamborghini Aventador, Pagani Huayra and all Aston Martins.

Not a slouch in the bunch.

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This doesn’t Pétain to you

Nancy Friedman spotted this display in Walgreen’s:

Store display for Vichy brand cosmetics

What were they thinking? L’Oreál, which has owned the Vichy trademark since 1955 — the original Vichy company dates to 1931 — evidently hopes you have a short memory, or only the sketchiest knowledge of World War II. On my finely calibrated Effrontery Scale, this is a couple of standard deviations beyond, say, vending Appomattox Ale from a taco truck in Charleston, South Carolina.

Friedman suggests alternate slogans; I recommend the note-perfect “Your Beauty Collaborator.”

A fine kettle of fish soup, guys.

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Added to the colander of saints

“Lose the glasses,” they told me when they took the picture for my driver’s license. “Too much glare.” Good thing they didn’t shoot the top of my head.

Then again, I’m not a Pastafarian:

It may sound like a joke but an Enid woman says her Oklahoma driver’s license features a unique symbol of her religious freedom.

It may even prompt a giggle, but for Shawna Hammond, the spaghetti strainer is a symbol of freedom.

“It doesn’t cover my face. I mean you can still see my face. We have to take off our glasses, so I took off my glasses,” Hammond said.

Letter of the law, doncha know. And this is the law:

According to the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety’s rules, religious headpieces cannot cause shadows on your face and the photograph must present a clear view of your face.

Hammond declares herself to be an atheist, her manifest devotion to the Flying Spaghetti Monster notwithstanding.

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