Preview of coming excrescence

From earlier this year:

The following statements should have been obvious, but I admit to having given the matter no thought up to now:

  1. There exists Donald Trump fanfiction.
  2. There exists sexually explicit Donald Trump fanfiction.

To which we can now add:

  1. There will be a motion picture based on sexually explicit Donald Trump fanfiction.

Yes, really:

Earlier this year, [Elijah] Daniel was a little drunk and messing around on Twitter. He joked that he was going to write an erotic story about Donald Trump. The tweet got a positive response, so Daniel figured he’d open up another bottle of wine and take a few hours and bang something out. By the next morning, Daniel had completed Trump Temptation: The Billionaire and The Bellboy, a 21-page send up of both the presumptive Republican presidential nominee and E.L. James’s guilty-pleasure kink-fest Fifty Shades of Grey.

The book was a hit, becoming a best-seller on Amazon within 48 hours. He posted the story on the online publishing platform Wattpad, where it attracted over a million readers. Now, Daniel has teamed with gay porn studio NakedSword to turn Trump Temptation into a feature film.

Have I read this book? Um, yeah.

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Target está cerrando

The one on the largely Spanish-speaking near-southwest side, anyway:

Employees have told OKCTalk that they were informed by management earlier this week that the Target at SW 44th & Western will close its doors in August.

Last November, Target announced it would close 13 under-performing stores but no Oklahoma locations were on that list.

Target has not made any official announcement about more closings but St. Louis papers have reported that a store in that area — near the infamous Ferguson uprising — will soon be shuttered as well.

The chances that this closing has something to do with restroom access? Next to nil, I’m willing to bet.

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Never gonna give them up

Most guys, I suspect, have at least one pair of shoes coming close to this description:

When I got home I realized there was a pebble in my shoe. I’m not sure how it got there. Those old shoes have been through a lot. They are worn and dirty. I bought them five or six years ago. They are white leather Adidas. The trademarked three stripes are unusual in that they consist of two blue stripes and one red in the middle. Those old shoes sure have traveled while on my feet. They have trod untold miles. They have been to Mexico, Belize, the Bahamas. They’ve walked through the VI and both French and Dutch St Maartins. Those old Adidas stomped around on the Great Wall of China and protected my feet through at least 14 different states. There is a scuff mark on the right heel from where I routinely rest the foot on the floor while pressing the accelerator. The insoles lost any support long ago. The inner padding and liner is worn through at various contact spots.

I had a pair of Nike sport sandals I managed to keep more or less intact for a decade; eventually, of course, “less” won out over “more,” and I wound up replacing them with these. Three years later — well, I don’t envision getting seven more years out of ’em, but you never know.

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He was never a kid

Just the same, Thomas Thwaite was a goat, kinda sorta:

In 2014, the 33-year-old British freelance graphic designer was in debt, living with his father, and sending out résumés to no avail. With so much worry on his mind, he thought it would be wonderful to “step away from the complexities of the world and have a lovely holiday, not just … away from your job (if you have one), but away from your very self.”

After ruling out life as an elephant, he planned his entrance into goatdom:

After research, including embarrassing conversations with specialists, he constructed a goat outfit. He found doctors who work with prosthetics to help him construct legs that gave him a quadruped form, and placed 60 percent of his walking weight on his front limbs, which is how a goat walks. He made hinged arms that extended his forelimbs, wore a waterproof jacket made by his mother, and donned a helmet and chest protector, in case any goats should decide to head-butt him.

There was also — since digesting grass for nutrition, as goats do, is impossible for humans — an artificial stomach of sorts that, he decided as a compromise, he would spit chewed grass into, so he could heat the grass later in a pressure cooker to eat.

I’m hoping this is all just a giant scam. Not everyone is buying the story:

The Post notes parenthetically:

(It should be noted that his last project, 2012’s “The Toaster Project,” found him assembling a toaster completely from scratch, which entailed spending 250 times what a toaster costs and traveling two thousand miles to secure, and sometimes create, the parts. Malaise aside, he has an inclination for such projects.)

You gotta wonder what he’ll try next.

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This is not a Bag O’ Crap

I actually saw this on Woot yesterday:

Chanel Boy Quilted Flap Bag

I am not making this up:

Exuding sophistication and elegance, this size new medium Chanel Boy Flap Bag is masterfully constructed in Italy from durable black textured caviar calfskin leather, showcasing the iconic flap design with its sublime signature stitching/quilting pattern. The Pushlock Boy Lock is distinguished by the two interlocking C’s in rustic silver, which is identical in color to the bag’s other hardware. This bag can be worn on the shoulder, hand held or cross body, making it irresistibly versatile. The oversized adjustable chain is smartly paired with a leather strap and can be worn with either the single or double chain option. The brownish red fabric lined interior compartment features one pouch and one zip-closure pocket to help properly organize belongings. This bag measures 11in (28cm) length by 7in (18cm) height by 3.5in (9cm) depth and comes with original Chanel authenticity hologram card and black dustbag.

List price is given as $5200; Woot will let you have one — but no more than three — for $4779.99 each. (Plus, um, $5 shipping.)

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Crowdfunding rokks

Freezepop’s Sean T. Drinkwater, musing on the success of the band’s recent Kickstarter, now at about 2.5 times its original goal:

A year and a half ago, when the idea of crowdfunding a record came up, I also voiced objection to this. “Let’s shop the record,” I said, confident that some reasonably intelligent label would get it and want to put the album out and save us a ton of work. We might not see very much cash from it, as such, but it would be handled by people who are more adept at getting records out into the world and promoting them. I was soundly outvoted (come to think of it there never was a vote, and since I have realized in recent years that I am, in fact, stupid, I usually acquiesce to the will of the other band members). I didn’t want to be seen as begging, or as being too pathetic to be signed to a “real” record deal.

In other news, some labels are believed to be reasonably intelligent.

We reached our initial goal in 48 hours and we’re still just completely shocked and overwhelmed by this. I am personally still processing the situation and I’m somewhat emotional about it. We started the band in 1999, and of course one wants some sense of validation that it hasn’t been a complete waste of 17 years. Well, more than the cash (NOT TO DISCOUNT THE CASH) I feel like we got this. It’s inspiring.

What’s also been so lovely to us are all the beautiful comments and stories that people have left on the Kickstarter page. It’s nice to think that we have been a part of these people’s lives, especially since the music business is no longer particularly lucrative or a warm and welcoming place. When I’m crawling into the coffin I would love to think “hey well that mattered to some people and wasn’t just us dorking around endlessly.”

Thirteen hundred backers so far (myself and Roger Green included).

I suspect Mr Drinkwater has come around quite a bit in the two weeks since he put this out:

Not to discount the beach.

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Neutral shift

Have you ever picked up a garment labeled “nude” and then put it back down, muttering “Yeah, right”?

It’s probably past time for this:

Advertisement for Naja nude undies

Naja have launched their “Nude for All” range, a collection including seven shades to suit women of all skin tones.

Naja CEO Catalina Girald first got the idea while watching the 2012 Olympics and seeing Gabby Douglas wearing “nude” coloured shoes that didn’t match her skin.

“I used to be a gymnast so I’m always sensitive to those things, and it was the first time that it dawned on me that the wrap didn’t exist in other colours,” she told Cosmopolitan.

They apparently will ship to the States, which is a good thing, considering how slow we’ve often been to adopt trends along these lines.

(Via @MoxieBeautiful.)

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And the arena goes totally nuts

The great mystery to Thunder fans was the fact that the NBA did, after all, elevate Draymond Green’s assault on Steven Adams’ dangly bits to a Flagrant Two, but did not order Green’s suspension. This was fine with me, for the sake of asterisk avoidance: if the Thunder pull off a win in this series, I don’t want to hear anyone warbling “Yeah, what did you expect would happen when they lost a starter for one whole game?” Which would have been dumb anyway, since Green hasn’t been that much of a factor in the series, though he did reel in 11 rebounds tonight. The bigger threat was Klay Thompson, who was held to four points in the first half but exploded for nineteen in the third quarter, enabling the Warriors to shave the Thunder’s 19-point halftime lead to as little as four. Still, OKC was up 12 at the beginning of the fourth, and the forgotten Andre Roberson — the Warriors didn’t even bother to guard him when the series began — wrought havoc on Golden State during that final frame. With the Thunder up 23 at the 3:15 mark, Steve Kerr yielded; it wasn’t technically over, but it might as well have been. Oklahoma City 118, Golden State 94, and Brian Davis asked Dre at the end: “What did you have for breakfast, and can I have some?”

Statistic to ponder: Roberson finished with 17 points, 12 rebounds, five steals and two blocks. Further statistic to ponder: Klay Thompson, who had 26 after three quarters, finished with, um, 26. Steph Curry spent 20 shots getting 19 points, and Draymond Green made one shot all night. Meanwhile, Dre and Kevin Durant were assembling double-doubles — KD had 26 points and 11 rebounds — and just because, Russell Westbrook turned in a triple-double (36-11-11).

There will of course be a Game 5, in Oakland on Thursday. This is about where the Warriors, and all the pundits, figured they’d be wrapping it up. And ABC, which will be carrying the Finals, must be beside itself with grief; suppose the Thunder dispose of the Warriors, if not Thursday, then shortly afterward, and suppose the Raptors, dead even with Cleveland through four games, manage to finish off the Cavs. You’ve got Nielsen Small Market vs. Nielsen No Market At All. Great argument, as always, for radio.

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This takes serious balls

Now and then, someone complains that baseball games go on too long. Well, yeah, I suppose, if they go 17 innings, one might get a little antsy. But little tweaks like this will not help:

Ordinarily, a pitcher’s job is to keep runners off the bases. But every now and again there is a strategic reason to put one on. Perhaps it will make a double play easier and end the inning more quickly. Perhaps the current batter spent his last two at-bats sending baseballs into geosynchronous orbit but the next one can’t hit the ground with his hat. There are other reasons, so the manager will tell the pitcher to throw four pitches outside of the strike zone. These are generally waaaaaay outside of the zone. The catcher will stand up and take two or three steps away from the plate to ensure even the wildest of lunges by the hitter won’t connect.

So, someone on the competition committee suggested, maybe we should just let the pitcher indicate he intends to intentionally walk a batter and not throw the pitches. It might save time.

Not bloody likely. The only time there’s likely to be much of a delay between each of those deliberately missed pitches is when the pitcher is also having to keep the guy on first (or perhaps some other base) from trying to steal. The only reason I can think of to enact something this preposterous is to be able to proclaim, “See, there is something dumber than the designated-hitter rule!”

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Looking for the goodies

Ciara’s 2015 single “Dance Like We’re Making Love” somehow managed to crawl only up to the very bottom of the Billboard Hot 100, and I’m not sure why; the song is catchy enough, and I can’t really fault the visuals here:

I mean, it’s not like she’s prudish and buttoned-down and such. From about that same time, a trip to the ESPYs:

Ciara at the 2015 ESPYs

Ciara is generally very good at working that slit-up-to-here style, as she demonstrated at the Grammys earlier this year:

Ciara at the 58th Grammy Awards

And to be fair, it’s not always the left leg on display:

Ciara at the 2016 Billboard Music Awards

Then again, you haven’t seen the front of this dress, which I have decided to put after the jump:

Ciara at the 2016 Billboard Music Awards

This is, of course, because I’m prudish and buttoned-down and such.

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Punchline to the world

Some people think of this state as a laughingstock. Others cry over its failings. Me, I figure what goes around eventually comes around.

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I’ve been to the desert with a plan for no gain

That’s how this scheme sounds to me, anyway:

A water bottling business in the desert?

Doesn’t seem like a sound business plan.

But Nestlé Waters plans to spend $35 million to re-purpose a west Phoenix warehouse at 43rd Avenue and Buckeye Road.

According to CNN, the plant is projected to use almost 35 million gallons to fill 264 million half-liter bottles in its first year, though the U.S. drought monitor lists Phoenix and most of Arizona under moderate drought.

City of Phoenix Water Services says there’s no problem:

Phoenix uses only around half of its Salt and Verde River water supplies, and around two-thirds of its Colorado River water supplies.

According to the city, the plant will create approximately 40 to 50 jobs in the first phase. Nestlé said by the third year of operating, there may be 100 workers. City Water Services spokesperson Stephanie Bracken said Nestlé will be paying the standard city water rate that all residential, commercial, and multi-family Phoenix Water customers pay.

This is the rate. You might think it would be higher than that, what with being in the frigging desert and all, but apparently not.

(Via Fark.)

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Burnishing the image

There is apparently only so much Slocum one person can put up with:

James Awesome name announcement

Rainbow Miriam Dash was not available for comment.

(Via Bad Newspaper.)

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Rise to vote, sir

Now here’s an ambition I can respect:

Two English novels are palindromic in formSatire: Veritas by David Stephens (1980, 58,795 letters), and Dr Awkward & Olson in Oslo by Lawrence Levine (1986, 31,954 words) — but not having read either of them, I have no idea whether their narratives make sense. I have, however, read Demetri Martin’s palindromic poem “Dammit I’m Mad” — so can you — and it teeters on the edge of comprehensibility.

Perhaps easier would be a string of multiple palindromes, like this:

What it lacks in emotional purity, it makes up for in, um, some way or another.

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Measured desperation

See? You should have charged your phone before going out for the evening:

Dying phone batteries can lead to desperate measures when it comes to ordering an Uber.

The ride-hailing service has learned from its internal data that riders are much more likely to spring for surge-priced fares when their phone is nearing the end of its battery life.

Of course, they know exactly what you’re doing:

The reasoning here is pretty straightforward: Anyone with an amply charged phone can afford to wait and see if Uber’s real-time demand-based pricing system might let up on the extra charge. But the prospect of being stranded with a dead phone makes time more of the essence.

Uber knows when your phone battery is running low because its app collects that information in order to switch into power-saving mode. But [Uber head of economic research Keith] Chen swears Uber would never use that knowledge to gouge you out of more money.

Sure they wouldn’t.

(Via Rusty Surette.)

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Blink while it’s ink

Most people I’ve talked to on the subject [caution: small sample] expressed no regrets about their body art, and that’s fine. (I have occasionally been put off by it, but it’s not like anyone is required to do things for my benefit, and God help us if they were.) Still, if permament ink seems awfully, well, permanent, the answer may be on the way:

Temporary tattoo stickers are a bit of fun and you can even try out virtual tattoos now, but it’s not the same. A company started by New York University students thinks they can provide the perfect compromise: real ink tattoos that eventually fade.

Ephemeral Tattoos claim to have invented a new ink that makes tattoos easy to remove with a simple solution. Without the solution, our own bodies will get rid of the tattoo after a year. Tattoo ink uses large pigments that the body can’t dispose of. Ephemeral’s ink uses smaller pigments contained in a sphere of biomaterials that the body can break down over time.

Predicted main beneficiaries of this technology: people who have yet to find out why others are laughing at some string of Chinese characters.

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