Strange search-engine queries (569)

On the off-chance that you got a new computer for Christmas and have never seen this before:

Several thousand people visit this site every month. Not all of them do so to bask in my alleged brilliance; many of them are just Looking For Something via Google or Bing or whatever. However, we can see what they’re looking for.

some like it squat:  Far be it from me to block their desires.

charles looks down while sitting at the top of the ferris wheel. he immediately feels his heart start to pound and he simultaneously experiences fear. which of the following theories best explains this emotional response?  “WTF am I doing way up here?”

feckful farmeress:  You mean, like the Pioneer Woman? She’s got scads of feck.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  Reince, is that you?

on a given morning, franco sold 40 pairs of shoes for a total of $80 at his shoe store:  I’m guessing these aren’t exactly haute couture.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the u. s. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  She’s a white progressive.

mira titled i want to be a stewardess:  Which position doesn’t require a title these days.

peed myself on purpose:  This will probably disqualify you from being a stewardess.

tinkerty tonk old fruit and down with the nazis:  You’ll feel better in the morning, Mr Churchill.

lara croft x male reader:  Oh, don’t you wish.

jessica rabbit x male reader lemon:  What, did Lara Croft turn you down?

how much does a ford:  More than you think, now with EcoBoost®.

the strange case of avogadro’s airline flight 6.02 on october the 23rd:  I think you’ll find a mole was responsible.

where the fuck is the g spot:  Start over there at the A spot, and keep moving in one direction.

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Home for the snarly days

This is the sixth year in a row that the Thunder have been featured on a Christmas Day game. And this year they drew a proper opponent: the Minnesota Timberwolves, who are eminently capable of being a pest for extended periods yet still have a sub-.500 record. The Wolves, in fact, were up 27-23 after the first quarter, though they were in a four-point hole at halftime and Thunder defense and offense both went up a couple of notches in ferocity in the second half. Just inside the four-minute mark, OKC held a 20-point lead, despite all three of Minnesota’s scoring threats having performed within screaming distance of their season averages, and shortly thereafter the benches were cleared. When it was all over, the Thunder had won their 19th game of the year against 12 losses, 112-100, their second against the Wolves with two to play.

Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins both eased through the 20-point barrier, and Zach LaVine was right behind at 16, but almost all their bench production came from Shabazz Muhammad (15 points out of 26). This couldn’t reasonably be expected to hold the line against the OKC run-and-gun attack, led by (of course) Russell Westbrook with a 31-15-7, both Enes Kanter and Steven Adams scoring 20-plus, and Alex Abrines’ on-again, off-again three-point prowess on again. (Weirdly, both teams hit exactly one-third of their treys, though the Wolves put up only 12 and the Thunder tossed up 24.) So the only thing really in doubt might have been “Will Westbrook get another technical?” Answer: yes.

Five of the next six games are on the road, the sole exception being a New Year’s Eve matchup with the Clippers. Before that, it’s Miami (Tuesday) and Memphis (Thursday), followed by Milwaukee, Charlotte and Houston. After that, things get more complicated.

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Yule be shocked

Or maybe you won’t. From Awkward Family Photos comes this little gem:

Christmas nude in the hot tub

This comes from a photoset called “18 Naked (Almost) Christmas Photos,” and hey, it got up to 73 degrees today.

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Said the convert

Severian describes how he reacted to the presence of the Lord:

You feel completely humbled … and then you feel blissful at your humility. The reason Materialism, i.e. the basis of all modern Liberal attitudes, doesn’t satisfy is because you feel utterly alone and adrift in the world. All this — waving your arms at the entire universe — and there’s just you, a tiny speck on a tiny speck adrift in incomprehensible vastness. And you get a few trips around one of quadrillions of other identical suns, and then you’re gone, forever, into nothingness. But if you try the thought that maybe Jesus was right, and this world — all of it, all quadrillions of identical suns, all that vast unknowable universe — was created just for you … you’re overwhelmed. It’s one hell of a rush …

… and then comes the HARD part, but we’ll leave that for another time. Merry Christmas, y’all.

Nothing further need I say.

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Russian unleaded

Vladimir Putin has a shot at rather a lot of American petroleum-refining capacity:

A Delaware Uniform Commercial Code (UCC) filing against Citgo parent PDV Holding, Inc. on November 30 reveals that Venezuela has secretly mortgaged their Citgo refineries in the United States to Russia’s state-controlled oil company Rosneft.

Redd Intelligence uncovered the UCC filing and broke the news.

PDV Holding Inc., owned by Venezuela state oil company Petroleos de Venezuela, S.A. (PDVSA), owns Citgo Holding Inc., which in turn, owns Citgo Petroleum Corporation, which has 3 refineries and pipelines throughout the United States.

The lien means that should Citgo or PDVSA default, Russia’s state controlled oil company Rosneft could end up owning strategically important oil refineries and pipelines in the United States.

Citgo owns oil and gas pipelines throughout the country as well as oil refineries in Corpus Christi, Texas; Lake Charles, Louisiana; and Lemont, Illinois (outside of Chicago). Citgo’s refineries can refine 749,000 barrels per day and the Lake Charles refinery is the sixth-largest refining facility in the U.S.

Rosneft, it appears, cut PDVSA a check for $1.5 billion against 49.9 percent of Citgo. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, except for this minor detail:

In October, in addition to a 20% bonus, PDVSA used 50.1% of Citgo Holding Inc. as collateral to induce $2.8 billion of holders of PDVSA debt maturing within the year to extend into a new 4 year amortizing bond. As a result, should PDVSA default, the holders of the new $3.4 billion PDVSA 8.5% of 2020 would be able to take 50.1% of Citgo Holding Inc.

So 100 percent of Citgo is now in hock. This does not strike me as a Good Sign.

(Via Fausta Wertz.)

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In which I plumb, sort of

Late Friday night, and the toilet is clogged, something it hasn’t been in a while. I contemplate the matter, post something anguished to Facebook, and resign myself to paying extra for a plumber on Christmas farking Eve fercryingoutloud.

“There must be some kind of way out of here,” I said, and proceeded to fill up browser tabs. Half an hour later, I had a plan, sort of:

  1. Squirt half a bottle — the little 9-ounce size — of Dawn for Dishes into the mess.
  2. Add about half a gallon of warm — not cold, or the bowl might crack, which would make things worse — water.
  3. Whip out the plunger and push, push, push for several minutes.
  4. Hope it clears out by morning.

Which somehow it did.

Mental note: More fiber. Definitely more fiber.

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Sarah writes

In 2015, I read a novel called The Look of Love by Sarah Jio. How it unwinds:

Love, they say (for certain values of “they”), is where you find it. Jane Williams finds it in unexpected places, in an unexpected manner: something mysterious takes place in her limbic system, and she can actually somehow see it. The day she turns twenty-nine, she receives a greeting, an instruction and a warning, all rolled into a single communication: she has this gift, she is told, to enable her to identify six different types of love, which she must complete before the first full moon after her thirtieth birthday — or the consequences will be dire. Her neurologist, meanwhile, predicts a different set of dire consequences if she doesn’t have an operation on her temporal lobe, which may kill her “seeing” ability.

It was a dandy book, with an almost-satisfactory resolution — I don’t think having everything neatly tied up would have improved it any — and I looked up more Jio. I found several books, and several amazing photographs:

Sarah Jio portrait

Sarah Jio seated

Perhaps unexpectedly, she sells a heck of a lot of books in Turkey:

Sarah Jio in a Turkish paper

She does enough business there, in fact, to justify a Turkish Twitter account and this video:

This is the Turkish trailer for her third novel, Blackberry Winter:

There are eight Sarah Jio novels in print somewhere.

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Something fyshy

I suppose this was inevitable:

Tofuna Fysh, a small, 18-month-old Portland, Oregon, company marketing faux tuna fish, “fysh” sauce, and “fysh” oil, recently received a cease-and-desist letter over his trademark application for the name and a jingle on the company website. Founder Zach Grossman recognizes he’s probably going to have to give up the trademark, but he’d dearly like to hold on to the jingle.

Which may be why Tofuna’s current site contains no mention of “Chickpea of the Sea.” As for the jingle, I don’t think it’s that close to the classic Chicken of the Sea jingle, though I am not a lawyer and it’s been years since I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

“We have had a productive dialogue,” a Chicken of the Sea representative said. “We hope to amicably resolve the issue in a timely manner.”

Oh, Tofuna also makes “Crab Fakes,” which to me sound better than the “Krab” being pushed from seafood counters all over the place.

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Liberally cheap

Somehow this doesn’t seem surprising:

My oldest son is a bartender/waiter in a college town. He works at one of the chain restaurants. Some of his frequent customers are the professors from the university. My son says these professors are the worst tippers as a group. One guy in particular irritates him. This professor comes in often giving all within earshot a hearty dose of his political philosophy. The liberal professor holds forth on Trump, economics, and the so-called “living wage.” And never, no matter the size of the bill, tips more than $2, says my son.

I suspect that these snowflakes grown old have never actually done anything as mundane as waited tables.

Waitstaff and bartenders are paid in tips. Their minimum wage is a fraction of the federal standard and most restaurants only pay the minimum wage if the tip amounts ate less than the hourly minimums. It is either/or for the worker. Most establishments get rid of servers who cannot pull in more in tips than the paltry minimum wage. So when this blowhard tips a measly couple of Washingtons on a $50 tab, then he has cheated the server. Not only did he not pay the worker for the effort. But he took up a table that might have tipped better.

Geez. I gave the pizza guy five bucks yesterday on a $24 tab. This is, I believe, consistent with the apocryphal origin of “tips” as an acronym for “To Insure Prompt Service”; the email confirmation says something like “30-40 minutes,” and I typically get my stuff in 27 or 28. (Distance from here to pizza place: 3 miles and change.) If I’m spending $50 on dinner, I’m handing out $10 at least.

I am in no way arguing you should generously compensate bad service. I do find it hard to believe this one guy gets substandard service every time he dines at this restaurant. If he does, he should not continue to patronize the business.

Yeah, and government programs often fail, but how often are they abandoned?

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Sing it out

In 2013, the contemporary-Christian group Cloverton set some Christmas-y lyrics to Leonard Cohen’s evergreen “Hallelujah,” which apparently didn’t bother Cohen’s record label until it started to sell in its own right.

And afterward, the new lyrics went largely unheard, until this:

Where this came from:

A 10-year-old girl from Northern Ireland has wowed people around the world after a video of her singing in her school choir went viral.

The video of the choir’s version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” — recorded at the school’s Christmas show — has gained almost 170,000 views in three days.

Kaylee Rodgers, from Donaghadee, County Down, has autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but singing has helped her build up her confidence.

“For a child who came in P4 [age 7-8] and wouldn’t really talk, wouldn’t really read out in class, to stand and perform in front of an audience is amazing. It takes a lot of effort on Kaylee’s part,” Colin Millar, principal of Killard House, told UTV.

And yet she somehow makes it look easy.

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Quote of the week

What the hell is wrong with Europe these days? A lack of adult supervision, says the Z Man:

For close to fifty years, Western Europe was America’s daycare center. Americans did all the heavy lifting with regard to the defense of Western Civilization both militarily and economically. European elites were allowed to play dress up and pretend to be in charge, but everyone knew the Americans were in charge. If something broke, America fixed it. If someone got an ouchy, America would salve their boo-boo. The Pax Americana allowed the West to remain in a state of perpetual adolescence.

The result was at least one generation of leaders lacking any training in responsible government. They dress up like proper rulers, but they have no idea what it means to defend their people. In fact, they don’t even think about the hoi polloi as their people. They are just the great unwashed, an undifferentiated mass of greedy mouths and grasping hands. They were free to evolve this way because the Americans were always there to make sure nothing bad happened. As the protective bubble is removed, all of this being exposed.

At some point, people get tired of being murdered. The young German with a taste for politics is going to start to question why he is loyal to people, who show more concern for foreigners than they do for him. A lesson of the French Revolution is that once people begin to question the legitimacy of the system, everything is soon up for grabs. The reckless disregard for their duties, by people like Merkel, is planting the seeds for something much worse than the monthly Exploding Mohamed we see in the news.

What he doesn’t say, but probably doesn’t have to, is that the Americans don’t even bother with overseeing America these days; they’re busy with their tedious little cultural proscriptions and other trivia.

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Baggage in Boston

This year’s Celtics are pretty formidable, and you have to figure they’re more so at home at the TD Garden; coming in, both Boston and Oklahoma City had 17-12 records. And the Greenies led early on, though the Thunder caught up and passed them in the second quarter and remained ahead halfway through the fourth. What happened, of course, was Isaiah Thomas, the five-foot-nine fireplug who scored 15 of the Celtics’ 17 points in those six minutes, enough to put Boston back in the lead. The Thunder crawled back despite three fouls on Andre Roberson, who managed only one of six free throws; what Roberson did accomplish was to put the brakes on Thomas long enough to regain that lead. Thomas, of course, wouldn’t stay down forever, and an and-one just before the one-minute mark brought the Celtics back to within three, but Russell Westbrook wasn’t having any of that. At :30, OKC was up eight; Al Horford delivered a timely trey, but Westbrook put it away at the foul line. The final was 117-112, and while radio guy Matt Pinto will tell you it wasn’t the Thunder’s finest hour defensively, there’s a lot to be said for neutralizing Thomas, even if it made Dre’s free-throw record look even worse than it was.

Then again, can someone with 34 points and 10 assists, as Thomas was, be legitimately described as “neutralized”? Maybe not. Horford kicked in 23 more. However, the Boston reserves came up with only 19 points, one less than Thunder bench leader Enes Kanter. And if it wasn’t Anthony Morrow’s night (1-5, two points), Domantas Sabonis came up with a career-high 20, including three treys. And then there’s Westbrook, who seems to operate on another plane of existence, turning in a 45-11-11 line, including 20 points in the fourth quarter. (Slight offset: the rest of the team scored 9.)

The Thunder is at home for Christmas, to play the Timberwolves, before going back on the road to take on the Heat and the Grizzlies.

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Fake like Drake

So far, Rebecca Black’s supply of cover versions seems inexhaustible, and that’s fine with me. Here she and Josh Levi take on Drake’s “Fake Love,” apparently in one take:

I went looking for more of Josh, and found a nifty cover of The Weeknd’s “Starboy.”

Meanwhile, HelloGiggles talks about RB and “The Great Divide”:

Her brand new song is a bit more mature, and her vocals are totally top notch.

It just proves that anyone can stand up, brush themselves off, and continue on. Black, who was 13 going on 14 when “Friday” was released in 2011 and is 19 now, never stopped singing — even though the internet was buzzing with negativity over her music video.

Does negative buzz actually count as buzz?

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The appearance of growth

From an earlier report on Walmart’s grocery-pickup service:

This particular Walmart store has six pickup points; this was the first time I’d ever seen all six in use.

That was a month ago. Some time in the last week they added four more spaces for the pickup crowd. (Although at 6:30 on a Thursday, there were only two in use, and a third was occupied by an indoor shopper who can’t or won’t read.)

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No accounting for counting

In which we find out what Bill Gates and Darth Vader have in common:

Windows versions vs. Star Wars episodes

(Found at reddit by Miss Cellania.)

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Wrong button

At least, that’s the story given by a Louisiana woman:

The director of the Webster Parish Convention and Visitors Bureau accidentally posted nude video of herself on the bureau’s Instagram page.

According to a report from The Minden Press-Herald, Lynn Dorsey used the new Instagram live feature to share sexy video with her husband for 30 minutes, not realizing she was doing so on the convention bureau’s Instagram account and not her personal account.

Said the paper:

CVB Executive Director Lynn Dorsey, 61, was unaware the video was being fed live to the Instagram account until she was notified by the Press-Herald just after 10:30 p.m.

“It was a horrible, honest mistake,” Dorsey said. “I am mortified. I would never send that type of content out intentionally. It was a very private message for my husband; it was a brand new phone and a new Instagram feature. I am a new Instagram user, and unfortunately I pressed the wrong button.”

Hey, at least she gave you a scoop.

Anyway, the video presumably wouldn’t have hung around long:

Instagram Live is a new feature, similar to that of Facebook Live, which allows users to stream live video footage via the social media platform. When a user “goes live,” the followers of the account may receive a push notification announcing the live feed, according to the Instagram website. Once a live video has ended, it is no longer visible on the platform.

(Via @SoCalNaturist.)

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