Occasionally hounded

Weighing in on the Westminster results, Ann Coulter:

This is true. The following periods had no Beagle wins at all:

  • 1907-2006
  • 2008-2014

I mention in passing that there have been 18 Fox Terrier winners: 14 wire, 4 smooth. (The 1992 winner, Ch. Registry’s Lonesome Dove, once growled at me.)

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Opening salvo

City Council elections are the third of March, and I expect a deluge of mail and more phone calls than I can possibly answer, even if I were going to answer them, which I’m not. And if you’d asked me after the filing period ended in January, I’d have said that basically it was a two-man race, between incumbent/loose cannon Ed Shadid and OCU professor James Cooper, and it was just a matter of which one strikes first.

First strike, in the form of the first mail flyer and the first phone call, came Tuesday, from Major Jemison, senior pastor of St. John Missionary Baptist Church. He’s about sixty, I’d guess. And he has credentials out the wazoo, as the jrank.org Major L. Jemison Biography reports:

A political activist, an innovative church leader, and a bridge-builder between African-American denominations, he has addressed a great variety of issues that are central to the development of the modern black church. President of the Progressive National Baptist Convention since 2002, he stepped into a position once held by Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. In 2003 Jemison was recognized by Ebony magazine as one of the 100-plus most influential figures in black America.

He has, of course, retired from that position by now. And his issues page looks almost like my issues page, especially with this paragraph:

The last four years have seen bitterness and divisiveness infect the business of the council, where before there was unity and collaboration. Major Jemison seeks to restore the council to a positive working environment where disagreements are handled professionally and each council member works together in the best interests of the people.

So far, I’m liking what I’m hearing.

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Purely by coincidence

I don’t think there’s anything particularly unusual about this sales pitch:

Last 10X Longer In Bed
It has never felt so good

And they’d like you to think that “10X” is being cautious, because:

I took this on Valentines Day and went from lasting 2 minutes to over 35.

So: a factor of seventeen, then?

I wouldn’t have noticed it at all, in fact, except for the minor detail that the bogus name they conjured up for the sender accidentally duplicated the name of someone I never actually took to bed — but might have wanted to.

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Outdoctrination

Last year, Oklahoma barred the use of any of that greasy Common Core stuff; said Governor Fallin, “We are capable of developing our own Oklahoma academic standards that will be better than Common Core.”

Maybe we are, and maybe we aren’t. This incident makes me wonder:

The legality of teaching Advanced Placement courses in Oklahoma public schools was raised Monday during a House Common Education Committee hearing on a bill aimed at the AP U.S. history guidelines.

That measure, House Bill 1380, by Rep. Dan Fisher, R-Yukon, would direct the state Board of Education to review those guidelines and bar the use of state funds for AP U.S. history courses.

Where Dan Fisher lurks, can Sally Kern be far behind?

It was also suggested that AP courses violate the legislation approved last year that repealed Common Core, with state Rep. Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma City, saying she has asked the state Attorney General’s Office for a ruling on the matter.

I sat down and read the actual course description in question — you can too [pdf] — and I think this guideline explains the knotted state of the GOP’s BVDs:

It is the nature of history as a discipline that claims and statements about the past are subject to differences in interpretation. But because the concept outline is the result of careful research into colleges’ requirements for credit and placement, it is essential for the AP Program to provide teachers with visibility into these findings.

And as we all know, for certain values of “we,” colleges today are primarily tasked with turning out neo-Bolsheviks for the New World Order, or some such business.

Fisher’s objection, basically, is that there’s not enough “We’re great! And they suck!” Like anyone would take his word for it. My most reasonable conclusion: yes, there is a reason for American exceptionalism — and there are also exceptions to it.

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Day after Day

At some time point while I was seriously undergrown, I had an insufficiently mild crush on Doris Day. I have no idea why; I do know, however, that one day I was watching something she was doing on television, and I couldn’t look away to save my life.

It wasn’t this image:

Doris Day: The Essential Collection

This is the artwork for a Warner Home Video DVD to be released in April. Curiously, there is a second set, due out the same day, with a different set of pictures, released by rival Universal. It contains Pillow Talk, whence cometh this iconic screengrab:

Doris Day in Pillow Talk

But by the time I’d seen this image for the first time, I’d already been inundated with pre-adolescent hormonal whatever.

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But no commute

Oh, my, here’s another appeal to one’s kindness gullibility:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: My mother and I need a new car, but can't afford one. How do we get a new car on a tight budget? (We don't trust used ones.)

Perhaps this may have occurred to you:

If so, be assured that they find your lack of sympathy disturbing:

My mother and I have health problems that make it hard to fulfill any commitments to a boss.

We’ve had people like that before. They didn’t stay long, for obvious reasons. And the bus stops right in front of the office, too.

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Coldest before the sunrise

The Historical Weather item on NWS Radio this morning pointed to record highs on this date in 2011 — 80°F in Oklahoma City, 84 in Wichita Falls, 73 in Nowata — and then noted that record lows had been set just seven days before. I distinctly (accent on “stinct”) remember hitting five below. Which is a hell of a swing: 85 degrees Fahrenheit in one week. Still, that’s February in this state, and 85 isn’t even that notable. Look at Nowata. On 10 February 2011 they got down to a ghastly -31°F, followed by that rebound to 73. That’s a 104-degree swing.

Lynn was dealing with twenty below on that day in 2011:

It actually doesn’t feel that much colder than -10° but maybe I needed to stay out a little longer to really feel it. I keep looking at the weather forecast for the next seven days and seeing that it predicts 65°F for the middle of next week and it seems like the ravings of some lunatic prophet. Can it ever really be that warm again?

It can, and sure enough, it was. Even Boston and New York will thaw at some point this year — though probably not in one week.

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Before you even get to mood

First you must establish the voice:

But the absolute best of us don’t even have to mention donuts at all:

Color me awed.

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Always be careful where you stick it

You never know when something like this may pop up:

I have no idea what the words outside the dialog box mean, but I suspect a Blue Screen of Death is either imminent or present.

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Gee, your car smells horrific

One actual Chinese automobile manufacturer — Guangzhou Automobile Group — showed actual Chinese automobiles at the North American International Show in Detroit, with greatest emphasis on the GS4, a wee SUV with questionable offroad capabilities. The last-generation-Kia looks weren’t too offputting, but oh, the stench!

Standing about 18-24 inches from the car, in the open doorway, the chemical odor was stronger than any “new car smell” I’ve ever experienced. If this is what it smelled like in the relatively cool concourse of Cobo Hall in January, one can only imagine how strong the offgassing would be on a hot summer day with the car sitting in the sun.

Still, I give GAC props for the “GS4″ name: it makes Cadillac’s upcoming “CT6″ sound just as callow and boring as it really is.

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We never owned her

What a life Lesley Gore had: a #1 hit while she was still in secondary school, production by the peerless Quincy Jones, a guest slot on the Batman TV series, an actual album for Motown, and finally true love.

“It’s My Party” was the big hit, but this was her anthem:

The fact that the song was written by a couple of guys — John Madara and David White, also composers of such tumultuous tunes as “442 Glenwood Avenue” by the Pixies Three — didn’t matter in the least; nor did the blatant patriarchy-ness of Lesley’s followup, “That’s the Way Boys Are,” by two different guys (Mark Barkan and Ben Raleigh).

Lesley’s official coming-out was about ten years ago, but before that there was Grace of My Heart, a grievously undernoticed Brill Building saga from 1996, written and directed by Allison Anders, to which Gore contributed a lyric. “My Secret Love,” sung by Miss Lily Banquette, then of Combustible Edison, is as blatant as anything in the k. d. lang songbook, and it even sounds like Gore.

I reviewed “Ever Since,” her most recent album, in 2005. I never imagined it would be her last.

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This much, and no more

What the hell kind of deal is this?

I live in a town where there is a “cap” on Internet users. The limit was reached about 6 yrs ago and unless someone cancels there’s you can’t get it. There’s a long list of people waiting, hundreds, so I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it. Some of my neighbors have it and have agreed to split the bill and share it. There is about 200ft of thick pine trees between all houses. What are my options here? Dish Internet is a joke so please don’t recommend that. I know sharing the Internet is frowned upon but it’s 2015 and the Internet service providers are dragging their feet.

Yeah, well, that’s what ISPs do.

Still, you have to figure that whoever negotiated this franchise deal for the municipality had to have been way out of his depth — or that the ISP is substantially less competent than average. Or maybe both.

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Not approved by the American Phlegm Institute

After five days of antibiotics to aid my bladder issues, it seemed the perfect time for some rogue virus to wander by and torment me for a week or so. As is often the case with such infections, there was a lot of sneezing at sub-ludicrous speed:

The Guinness Book of Records has the record set at 115 m/ph.

Up to 40,000 droplets (particles) can be ejected from your nose and can travel a distance of 2 to 3 metres.

And from this chair, that’s quite enough to splatter the monitor with something vaguely reminiscent of greasy, grimy gopher guts.

Which inevitably led me to this perfectly deadpan description:

Dating back to at least the mid-20th century, the song is sung to the tune of “The Old Gray Mare”. The song, especially popular in school lunchrooms and at summer camps, presents macabre horrors through cheerful comedy while allowing children to explore taboo images and words especially as they relate to standards of cleanliness and dining. Many local and regional variations of the lyrics exist, but whatever variant, they always entail extensive use of the literary phonetic device known as an alliteration which helps to provide an amusing description of animal body parts and fluids not normally consumed by Americans.

At the bottom of the page was a reference to Loudon Wainwright III’s “Dead Skunk”, which seemed logical; however, I did not in any way expect to find this:

The song has replaced the traditional “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as the 7th inning stretch song at Georgia Institute of Technology Russ Chandler Baseball Stadium.

Okay, you wouldn’t expect the Ramblin’ Wrecks to be droning “Sweet Caroline,” but geez.

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Strange search-engine queries (472)

If your next question is “Why does this feature appear on Monday?” the answer is that it serves as a reset to the week, a kick out of glorious weekend mode and a return to the drably usual and/or the usually drab. At least, that’s the excuse I’m using this week.

1986 mazda 626 tyre sizes:  Um, did it ever occur to you to look on one of your actual tyres? They don’t emboss all that stuff on the sidewall to look cool at motorway speeds.

“kim rollins” “first blog”:  At the moment, you stand a better chance of finding an autographed copy of the Gospel of Luke.

what most common CD4E part to fail:  The fluid, of course.

poynhvb:  Seventy points in Scrabble if you play it all at once.

car dealers have realized how profitable it can be to sell automobile using the web. pretend you work for a local car dealership that is part of a large chain such:  that it will consolidate all its franchises into a single superstore and let go half the staff. It was always such.

kc auto dealer girlfreinds sluts:  Okay, maybe not half the staff.

tpir gwendolyn osborne xxx:  Going to play Pocket Plinko, are you?

pulsating lights in 1999 Mazda 626:  I suppose it’s better than LEDs below the door frames.

warner brothers loss leader prices:  Then: two bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

nudist publications from the 1950s:  Then: five bucks. Now: the sky’s the limit.

pictures of all the limousines that belong to the Doobie Brothers:  They’re hidden behind the train station in China Grove.

modogams:  Well, you know, there are worse things in life than Maureen Dowd’s legs:

Somewhat stylized picture of Maureen Dowd

Although you kind of wonder what things would be like were they attached to somebody else.

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Gilded junk

Advertisers want your attention, and they’re going to get it — any way they possibly can.

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Double whammy at least

“I don’t like spiders and snakes,” said the girl in Jim Stafford’s 1974 hit, “and that ain’t what it takes to love me.” I suspect she’d be even less impressed by a snake with its very own spider, kinda sorta:

In western Iran there lives an endangered snake that preys on birds and carries its own lure at the end of its tail. The Spider-tailed Horned Viper (Pseudocerastes urarachnoides) has an appendage that looks just like a spider. The rest of its body is camouflage colored, particularly the thin end of its tail leading to the “spider.”

And better yet, it acts like a spider [warning: 1.5MB animated GIF], enabling the snake to attract its prey, birds who see spiders and think “Lunchtime!”

It does not, however, attract girls, so far as I can tell.

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