Might even work in Netscape

Every time I feel like adding something new to the sidebar, I probably should just click on this:

Your site has three bylines and link to your dribbble account, but you spread it over 7 full screens and make me click some bobbing button to show me how cool the jQuery ScrollTo plugin is.

“I wouldn’t do that, would I?” asked the guy with two dozen WordPress plugins.

(Via the seriously elegant Joy McCann. Not safe for work. The link, I mean, not Joy.)

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Meaningful dimensions

Every now and then, someone comes into Y!A with a question along the line of “Will I fit in a [make and model]?” My answer is always the same: try it on for size. This is mostly because I’ve been burned by the one-size-fits-all statistics they always give out: fiftysomething cubic feet up front, maybe forty in the back, and legroom figures that assume everyone’s the same five-foot-nine person above whose head Consumer Reports measures headroom.

On the other hand, I can see this Toyota Yaris in my mind’s eye with superior resolution, thanks to the descriptive powers of Jack Baruth:

I … used the little Toyota to take a friend to dinner, said friend being a young lady approaching six feet tall and possessed of a thirty-six-inch inseam. Remember that, it’s relevant later, I promise. Finally, I tossed the car seat in the back and obtained my son’s opinion on the thing.

Oddly enough, both my four-year-old son and six-footer friend said the same thing about the Yaris: it’s not roomy. The two of them wouldn’t have been able to coexist in the thing; moving the passenger seat far enough forward for my scion (as opposed to the Scion, which this Yaris emphatically is not) to be able to fit his legs between the end of the child seat’s thigh support and the back of the front seat would have rendered said front seat completely uninhabitable for the Dutch girl. But even with the front seat moved all the way back, it was impossible for Miss Thirty Six Inch Inseam to cross her legs in the car. She was forced to sit flat-footed and upright in the thing. “Not,” she pronounced, “as roomy as my Civic.” Well, that’s okay, it’s a class below the Civic.

You couldn’t get that into a Road & Track data panel, I suppose.

Disclosure: While the sheer length of my lifetime has made it possible for me to have known several women who met most of this general description — “Dutch” is a data point I did not obtain — I have never been able to lure any of them into any car I was driving, let alone get them to cross their legs therein.

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Disliking the overall effect

This is the sort of flat statement you (meaning “I”) just don’t see that often:

I mean, this is someone who can wear almost anything and make it look wonderful. So I had to find out where she draws the line, and apparently it’s here:

Tulle-Skirt Overall Dress by Urban Renewal

Now admittedly this probably skews a little young for a married woman with a J.D., but — oh, hell, I don’t know. Talk it up amongst yourselves.

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I mentioned the 23andMe Personal Genome Service last month, and I even considered the possibility of becoming a customer, although I noted that the service was effectively banned in two states.

Well, make that all 57 states:

[T]he FDA has ordered an immediate halt to sales of the kits. In a letter to Anne Wojcicki, 23andMe CEO and wife of Google co-founder Sergey Brin, the FDA claims the marketing of the 23andMe Saliva Collection Kit and Personal Genome Service is currently in violation of the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act.

According to the agency, the kit falls under the heading of a regulated medical device under section 201(h) of the FD&C Act.

How much slack is the FDA willing to cut them? Only this much:

While the agency called for the immediate halt to marketing of the product, it also gives the company 15 days to tell the FDA what steps it has taken to remedy the problems.

Which may explain why I saw a couple of ads for 23andMe on Fark last night.

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Fobbed off

This question seems straightforward enough:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How does the keyless Push-To-Start button work in a car?

Nissan’s system, I concede, is not particularly intuitive. But the balance of the question is strange:

I plan on buying a new nissan maxima or altima in a few weeks. The reviews show that they are good cars and all but, I’m very concerned about the way you start the car. I know that all you do is like push the button and have the thingy with you in your pocket, but what if I dont want someone driving it. Like if I’m sitting in the passenger seat with someone else in the drivers seat that I don’t want driving. How would that work? Also, how would make a copy of that key like traditional keys because I sometimes tend to misplace them.

The only situation in which I could see “someone else in the driver’s seat that I don’t want driving” is an actual carjacking, in which case he won’t be sitting in the passenger seat for very long.

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The next evolutionary step

I can haz natural selecshun?

It has always seemed cruel to me that Nature has designed cats without the ability to shrug their shoulders, because no animal on Earth could get more use out of such a gesture. Should cats ever learn to vocalize human languages, my suspicion is that “So what?” will be their first phrase.

Similarly, the late George Carlin:

Cats have another quality I find admirable: blamelessness. When a cat makes a mistake, he doesn’t accept responsibility or show embarrassment. If he does something really stupid, like jumping onto a table and landing in four separate coffee cups, somehow he passes the whole thing off as a routine. Dogs aren’t like that. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog; he acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity.

“What’s that? The lamp? Not me! F— that, I’m a cat! Something broken? Ask the dog.”

Cats, of course, do know how we feel. They don’t give a particular damn, because they don’t have to, but they know.

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Abe speaks out

There was some minor flapdoodle last week over the President’s alleged editing of the Gettysburg Address. It never occurred to the doodleflappers to go to the source — Abraham Lincoln’s blog:

I am taking the train to Gettysburg tomorrow and am planning to give a brief speech at this remarkable and sad place. For the many who cannot be physically present, here is a preview for you, My Loyal Readers and Fellow Citizens.

There follows at least one version of the Address.

As always, don’t read the comments. As Lincoln himself said: “The problem with internet quotes is that you can’t always depend on their accuracy.”

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Someday he’ll be Sunday afternoon

Speculation mounts that singer Jon Bon Jovi might want to buy the NFL’s Buffalo Bills:

The Bills will go to the market when owner Ralph Wilson [now 95] passes, and, while many league sources believe the Rogers Communications group in Toronto, who already work closely with the Wilson family to stage games annually in Toronto, is the prime suitor for the franchise, sources said Bon Jovi has spent considerable time in the area getting to know politicians and power brokers and even added a date there late in a recent tour to allow for more time to allocate to the matter.

Bon Jovi has been very proactive in meeting NFL owners and general managers, and is seeking their input on all sort of issues related to football. In the past he has nearly become a minority owner of a team, most notably the Falcons. However, sources said Bon Jovi is aiming to be the principal owner — it remains to be seen if he has the type of immense capital necessary to meet that threshold of ownership — and has aligned himself with several powerbrokers in his effort to turn his dream into reality.

What will this cost him? At the very least, a guitarist:

According to several sources in the music industry, Bon Jovi’s dismissal of longtime guitarist Richie Sambora is likely even related to his pursuit of a franchise, as Sambora was the highest-paid member of his band and the next most prominent member, and by using session musicians or unknowns, he is then able to keep his costs down. Bon Jovi is a shrewd businessman who has kept much of his operation in-house and has long been the central figure in making deals for the band.

Why would Jon Bon Jovi do this? Presumably, because he can.

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I have never been here before

And it’s far too late to turn back now.

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Strange search-engine queries (408)

This weekly feature is produced by sorting through tons and tons of raw materials, looking for something that can be refined, and then enhancing it through careful utilization of snarkistry. We keep hoping the world can be persuaded to pay us to do this — or to pay us not to do this. We’re not finicky.

“how it’s hanging”:  I suspect it has something to do with being suspended at the top.

ROBELLO KOMBI MADE IN C:  Actually, it was E-flat, but somehow it sounded too shrill. I blame CAPS LOCK.

have anyone been using quickfade tattoo removing gel:  Just the invisible girl over there. At least, I think she’s over there.

invisible manga porno:  Not at all sponsored by Quickfade Tattoo Removing Gel.

he’s not what i thought he was:  Yeah, but you voted for him just the same.

ford telstar v6 automatic gearbox whining sound:  It might not be the transmission at all, but the owner of the Ford in question, once presented with the bill for the rebuild.

did stephanie zimbalist ever get hurt doing her own stunts:  A mild case of heartbreak, perhaps.

jayne mansfield’s head on car:  We don’t sell hood ornaments here. Try Pep Boys.

verjin refloration:  Are you sure you know what you’re asking? Try Pep Boys.

The stoplight had just changed and a 20000 kg. Cadillac had entered the intersection north at 3.0 m/s when it was struck by a 1000kg eastbound Volkswagen:  Whereupon the VW driver was shot to death by the Secret Service, since the only 20-ton Cadillac in operation was the Presidential limousine, as outfitted by Pep Boys.

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Easy listening

Even with Scott Brooks experimenting with 10- and even 11-man rotations, there’s been some question about how to find enough minutes for all five guards. For tonight, anyway, there was a simple answer: give Russell Westbrook the night off. Hey, it’s just the Jazz, right? And even with Trey Burke back, the rebuilding Jazz are going to need some Tinkertoys or something: they fell behind by as much as 37 in the third quarter as the Thunder cruised to what may be their easiest win this season, 95-73.

With Derrick Favors back in the middle, Enes Kanter went back to the bench, where he piled up a tied-for-team-high ten points. (Is that your Telltale Statistic? Good as any, I suspect.) Rudy Gobert, rookie center, also gathered ten. It didn’t help that the Jazz were only 4-18 from outside; worse, they missed 16 of 29 foul shots. With the reserves in, Utah looked almost respectable, winning the fourth quarter 30-20, but starting the quarter down 32, the conclusion was pretty much foregone.

Kevin Durant, like the other starters not needed in that final frame, finished with 19; Serge Ibaka put together a double-double (17 points, 11 boards, a stirring +31); Reggie Jackson, starting at the point, served up seven assists on the way to a 10-point night, but Jeremy Lamb actually ran the floor through most of the fourth quarter, and he rolled up 15 points. Even Perry Jones collected double figures, and how often do you see that?

The schedule, of course, won’t stay this way: the Spurs are coming Wednesday. Westbrook, you may be sure, will be back.

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No sneakers involved

This dates to about 1953, and Phil Knight, then fifteen years old, wouldn’t be making athletic shoes for another decade or so:

Advertisement for Nike hosiery 1953

I didn’t find where the Cunninghams of Kilmarnock wound up, though apparently the burgh was celebrated for both textiles and heavy industrial production — and for Johnnie Walker, which was bottled there until 2012.

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Now this takes brains

What sport-utility vehicle do you want to be driving during the Zombie Apocalypse? Hyundai hopes it’s their Walking Dead Special Edition Tucson:

This Tucson features an Ash Black exterior with a subtle red accent graphics package and Special Edition exterior and interior badges. Roof rack cross rails provide additional room for hauling necessary survival gear while mudguards and custom floor and cargo mats help keep the vehicle clean. The vehicle will be offered only in AWD to assist drivers when off-roading away from the undead. Within the Tucson’s black leather interior, passengers will find a custom Zombie Survival Kit — a Walking Dead 72-hour survivalist’s backpack, a necessary item for any zombie “prepper” — and a Walking Dead Tucson Quick Reference Guide, to help utilize all the features in the Special Edition vehicle. In addition, for true enthusiasts of The Walking Dead, this Tucson will offer vehicle decals for the four factions featured in the series: Hilltop, Kingdom, Saviors, and Survivors, so owners can proudly display where their allegiances lie.

The only way they could make this better is to offer, you should pardon the expression, a lifetime warranty.

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Draft resistance

Green Canary is hoping for something resembling heat — preferably from the actual sun, which doesn’t cost so much:

I’ve been keeping my thermostat at 68, which isn’t my preferred indoor temperature during the cold winter months. During the cold winter months, I prefer the balmy warmth of the upper 70s. But since I am still getting to know my house, I didn’t want to press her too hard right out the gate. Also, I was afraid of a ginormous electric bill that would break my tough gal exterior and turn me into a quivering mess of unset Jell-o.

Month one’s electric bill was a lovely $13.05.

Month two’s electric bill was a hideous $178.97.

Explanations were not hard to find:

My house is not large, so there is absolutely no reason why my electric bill should be so high. Except that my not-large house is also not-efficient, what with the 33 year-old wood windows with the cracked seals, the uninsulated basement walls, and the odd draft coming from the doorknob on my back door. All of those very logical heat-sucking factors aside, there is also the much bigger problem that I have barely scratched the surface of: I think the problem is the heat pump itself.

The nice thing about hardware problems, in general, is that they can be addressed by writing a check. Then again, I know something less than squat about heat pumps; I can just about comprehend my gas furnace (expected gas bill for December: $95), and I’ll have been here ten years come Tuesday.

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From the “Yeah, right” files

This strikes me as eminently guffaw-worthy:

Questionable Twitter pitch

I mean, yeah, I can do a face in the crowd, but so can everyone else; there’s no reason to play on my vanity.

This is a screenshot rather than an embed because frankly, I expect this account to be deleted before the weekend’s up, if only because there are at least 42 accounts using that same ID avatar, though Twitter is not inclined to delete artificially created accounts unless they’ve actually done something against the rules — like spamming people.

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Two generations of smartass

I learned a long time ago that both my children carry my Wiseguy gene, and it’s almost a certainty that they passed it on to their kids.

Last night, my son did one of those Foursquare checkins at a place called The Scene, prompting the following exchange:

Becky Carson: This ain’t a scene. It’s an arms race?

Russell Hill: Lots of good bands tonight. You should come out.

Charles G. Hill: Am I supposed to be concerned that my daughter is making gratuitous Fall Out Boy references?

Becky Carson: More importantly, where is the concern for the father that knows a Fall Out Boy reference.

Russell Hill: Well, this is concerning.

(The reference, slightly expurgated.)

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