It was here a minute ago

We’ve all seen people on television who couldn’t find their asses with both hands.

Imagine what it’s like when they can’t find a whole continent:

Suggestion: Start at Russia and head west. Or don’t.

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High on the Sphincter Scale

First, the question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does ratemyprofessor.com give out your exact address?

Then, the excuses:

Okay, I know it was rude but I called my professor lazy. And there isn’t an excuse for it. I know, okay? I feel bad about it. My sister has has had cancer for three years and we just found out last week that the cancer is stage 4, metastatic, and spread to her brain, liver, and lungs.

I was so mad at the world last week and I was frustrated because we have two weeks left of class and the professor still didn’t tell us our grades, so I posted on ratemyprofessors a review and I said he’s lazy, and don’t take him. That’s honestly the only thing I said.

Then in class, the professor told us all he was hurt by it, and even the website deleted it because it was “so mean”. Then he gave us back our midterm, and I was the only one who didn’t get mine back? He said he left it with the other class’s stack. I’m pretty sure he knows it was me, but how? I don’t have a username on the website, I reviewed as a guest, and I only said one sentence.

So my question is, did the website violate my Constitutional rights by giving out my IP address and location to a professor? The Constitution states that everyone has the right to free speech without the use of “fight words”. I’m pretty sure calling someone else “lazy” isn’t a fight word, or else hundreds of millions of people would be in jail right now.

I’m thinking that this individual got shitty grades; if she thinks that that’s what the Constitution says, it’s a safe bet her mastery of the subject she’s studying is just as questionable, if not more so.

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What you pay for those “rewards”

Because, you know, nobody’s actually giving you anything for “free”:

The program launches on Thursday, Verizon announced on its website, and customers “may be required to enroll in Verizon Selects, part of Precision Market Insights from Verizon, as part of the Smart Rewards registration process and will receive 2,500 bonus points for being part of Verizon Selects and 500 Rewards points per participating line each month.”

That “may” might be that you’d have to enroll if you haven’t already — it seems it would be a likely requirement, as it enables Verizon to offer deals it thinks will interest customers based on their “location, web browsing and mobile application usage data, as well as other information including customer demographic and interest data,” as explained on its info page about Verizon Selects.

So it’s a tradeoff: we hand you some points, presumably good toward something, and you tell us what you’re doing at every opportunity. And really, you’ve seen worse.

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The heart wants what it wants

And those other parts have their own desires. A member of the Australian Parliament is under fire for describing exactly what she looks for in a man:

Jacqui Lambie, an Australian MP who shares the balance of power in the upper house, has apologised after declaring in a radio interview that she is looking for a partner who is “well-hung” and loaded with cash.

“They don’t even need to speak,” said Ms Lambie, a 43-year-old single mother of two.

In a radio interview in her home state of Tasmania, Ms Lambie told Heart FM that her ideal partner “must have heaps of cash and they’ve got to have a package between their legs.”

God forbid a man should say something like that about a woman, right?

(Via One Fine Jay.)

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A wiener is you


Source: Fix.com

I expect that once again, they will fail to address the following:

I mean the fact that there are always too many hot dogs, and not enough buns, has been clearly unacceptable!

Come on people! Why can’t Oscar Meyer and Wonder just call a truce and negotiate a settlement on what the proper number of dogs and buns to a package should be!

I vote for eight: buns remain unchanged, and a pack of eight franks will cost less than a pack of ten. Not that anyone these days is likely to do the math.

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Making a dew point

Osaka Jack, as his name implies, lives in Japan, but in a part of it with ridiculous humidity levels not unlike what we’re having to endure this week on the Baked Plain. So this My Little Pony fiction idea gets my vote:

Which was apparently a reaction to this:

The only worry is that it might take longer than 22 minutes to clear this mess up.

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Getting procedural

Ever been fired and then rehired? AJ Cook has:

After a week of negotiations, AJ Cook just closed a two-year deal to return to CBS’ drama Criminal Minds as a regular. She will guest star in the series’ sixth season finale on May 18 before re-joining the show full-time in the fall.

Cook departed Criminal Minds after the end of last season when her option was not picked up, stirring outcry among fans of the show. She appeared in the first two episodes of this season to wrap the storyline of her character JJ, who was transferred from the BAU to a job at the Pentagon.

She wasn’t a proper profiler, but was serving as the BAU’s media liaison; when she returned in season seven, she’d apparently been trained as a profiler.

Then again, that two-year deal was signed in 2011. Two years later, here she is doing an upfront at CTV:

AJ Cook at CTV

Criminal Minds finished its ninth season this spring, and will be back this fall; everything I’ve seen says that AJ will be back with it.

From the massive collection of Things I Didn’t Know: As a child, AJ was legally blind, and wasn’t much better than that as an adult. Severe astigmatism, they said:

“I was that little kid with Coke bottle glasses,” she recalls. “I started wearing contacts at a really young age because I was a dancer and I couldn’t dance on stage with glasses on.”

Even laser eye surgery wasn’t an option because, as the actress explains, “They’d have to take away too much of my eye. It’s way too dangerous.”

Then a new procedure emerged called Visian ICL, a lens implant that corrects the impairment. So [in 2007] Cook had the surgery done.

Incidentally, this is the second character on Criminal Minds who’s gotten a mention here, the first being Kirsten Vangsness, who plays Penelope Garcia.

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Of course you can eat that

One of a series of Public Lecture Podcasts from the University of Bath is titled “Say it with poison”:

In this lecture, Mr Russell Bowes, a freelance garden historian, will be sharing mysterious tales of how people have died in the garden, and how you can protect yourself against herbaceous murderers.

Of all things veddy, veddy British, this sounds like one of the veddiest.

(Via Finestkind Clinic and fish market.)

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To be a Rick, and not to roll

I sense a disturbance in the Humor Force:

YouTube has restricted access to a seven-year-old video upload that spawned the still-popular RickRoll meme, in which people trick others into watching [Rick] Astley shimmy in his cheesy “Never Gonna Give You Up” clip.

Simply titled “RickRoll’D,” the video was uploaded by YouTube user cotter548 and has amassed nearly 71 million views. It has been blocked by YouTube in several countries, including the United States.

The video-sharing giant did not immediately respond to request for comment on the takedown, which happened once before, albeit briefly, in 2012.

I have to believe this is a temporary measure, and that Rick has not in fact deserted us.

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Since it’s Tuesday and all

Hey, Windows Update, do you think you’re up to this kind of dialogue?

Then again, why am I asking you?

(Retweeted in my general direction by Annemarie Dooling.)

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Thorina, Thorina

So Marvel wants Thor to be female? I’m fine with that. But the way they did it is a slap in two different faces:

As I understand it, and these are from the words of the creative team, Thor is not turning into a woman. If Thor were turning into a woman, I’d be more OK with this, as he’s a demigod. The rules are, always have been, and always should be, unclear on what limitations that can be placed on a demigod’s physiology. No, this is a character that is in Thor’s life, idolizes him, looks up to him, and when Thor is judged unworthy, he is stripped of his power, his hammer, and his name, and it is given to her instead. In my eyes, this is a total disrespect to both characters. You’re taking a character’s very birth name from him, the name given him by his mother and father (coincidentally, demigods themselves), and you’re giving it to someone else. Not even Loki, who slept with a horse, gave birth to a baby horse, and brought about Ragnarok, ever had his own name taken from him. You’re literally taking his identity away.

Then again, who else but Loki would want it?

And here’s the part where I don’t understand why more people concerned with diversity are upset. Why Joss Whedon and TheMarySue and all the other female-centric-viewpoint-friendly outlets aren’t rioting. You’re taking a woman, erasing her previous identity, and giving her a new one, based on an existing character. There was speculation for a bit that a previously existing female character, likely one of Marvel’s super-powered blondes, would take over. Honestly, being a fan of both Valkyrie and Ms/Captain Marvel (likely candidates to stand in for Thor, based on appearance and power levels), I am certainly hoping that is not the case. Both of these characters have a pretty rich history and stand on their own merits, and to have all of that taken away from them and just have “THOR” pasted over it would be pretty insulting. There’s a lot of really awesome pre-existing female characters in the Marvel U that I’m now worried about, because I want them to keep existing as who they are, and not having the identity of Thor pasted over theirs.

This, however, should be considered a warning:

[W]hy was this announced on The View? Since when was The View considered a source of comic book news?

At best, The View is a source of news that fails to reach the level of comic books, which is not the same thing. This tells me that Marvel doesn’t really give a crap about this; they just want Aggrieved Women to shut up, and they’re fool enough to think that this will do the trick.

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Checking for flattenability

Seven years ago, OG&E sent me a promotional piece for something they called the Guaranteed Flat Bill program. My reaction to GFB was basically, um, GMAFB:

It is, however, 16.7 percent above my actual bills for the last twelve months, which came to $728.52. I’m having a little trouble seeing how this is any advantage over the existing Average Monthly Billing plan.

And in the fine print in the back, it says this: “Customers who participate in the GFB rate plan are not eligible for OG&E’s wind power program.”

And maybe that’s the whole idea: those of us who signed up for wind power, who realize a price break every time fuel costs go up, need to be pried out of that subscription and into something that won’t cost them money.

This year, they quote me an actual Average Monthly Amount of $90.95 and a GFB figure of $82.96, which sounds a bit less daunting — the tariff has apparently been revised in the interim — though I figure the major coup here was sending it right on the heels of a regular monthly bill for around $125. And wind-power subscribers are no longer excluded.

I still have my doubts about this thing, though.

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Came in like a Veecking ball

In 1979, Bill Veeck (as in “wreck”) came up with a wild promotion for his Chicago White Sox: “Disco Demolition Night,” in which fans were invited to bring their disco records to a massive bonfire to be held between the first and second halves of a doubleheader. Things got out of hand, and the Sox had to forfeit the nightcap to the visiting Detroit Tigers.

You might not think that this concept was ripe for a revival, but to borrow a phrase, you better belieb it:

“Like so many, we have taken special exception to Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus’s music along with his numerous run-ins with the law and her controversial performances,” said [Charleston] RiverDogs General Manager Dave Echols. “‘Disco Demolition 2’ is dedicated to the eradication of their dread musical disease, like the original Disco Demolition attempted to do. We are going to take Bieber and Cyrus’s merchandise and memorabilia, put it in a giant box, and blow it to smithereens. It is all in good fun, and we guarantee there won’t be a forfeit of a game.”

Fans that bring Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus items to the game will receive a $1 ticket. Video montages throughout the game will pump up the fans prior to the dramatic postgame demolition. In addition, the RiverDogs will no longer play Bieber and Cyrus music at Riley Park.

The Dogs sold out all 6000 seats, and while the fans were waiting to trash the pop starts, their team was edging past the Augusta Green Jackets, 9-7.

A group headed by Marvin Goldklang owns five teams in Minor League Baseball, including the Class A RiverDogs; Mike Veeck, son of Bill, is a partner. Mike’s son William “Night Train” Veeck is working in the White Sox organization.

(With thanks to Fishersville Mike.)

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Keep it to yourself

No further explanation was offered:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I blacklist someone from buying a car?

I suspect middle-school-level drama somewhere between here and the background.

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Strange search-engine queries (442)

The 4-4-2 combination looms large in Oldsmobile history. Originally it meant a four-barrel carb, a four-speed stick, and dual exhaust, though time and “improvements” gradually eroded away its significance. Not unlike this weekly feature, in fact.

gao yuanyuan diet:  Just gao ahead and eat whatever yuan damn please.

local girl sex vedio with her name in 1mb or 600kb:  That’s either a very short “vedio” or a very long name.

compilation album Neil young big yellow taxi Joni Mitchell groundhog:  Keep me waiting for this heart of rodent, leave me the birds and the bees.

how do transmission coolers work:  Asks the guy who doesn’t know yet that he needs one.

slightly skewed skateboards of oklahoma:  I blame the sidewalks, or the lack thereof.

Borat and gary jones:  One of the great bromances in the history of the U. S. and A.

aggravated mopery:  See also Robbie Robertson’s plaint: “I’ve just spent sixty days in the jailhouse for the crime of having no dough.”

1996 MAZDA 626 SHIFTING ROUGH:  It’s almost 19 years old. You should be surprised it shifts at all.

what does the automatic transmission linkage clip look like for a 1996 mazda 626:  Why, is it shifting rough or something?

cash for gold 39th may okc:  You can’t miss it, even if you want to.

I have a drainage ditch in my yard whixh is strictly for neighbors water to drain, shouldn’t he be responsible for upkeep?  It’s your yard, Bunkie. Either grant an easement or STFU.

femmes are invisible:  You’re not looking hard enough.

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Quote of the week

Forty-five years ago, there seemed to be no limits:

I watched with my grandmother’s second husband, a tall, thin, spare man born in 1900. He’d seen air travel when it meant doped canvas and spruce wood and gasoline engines that may or may not continue running and now he was sitting and watching a man land on the moon. When we heard “The Eagle has landed” that old man clapped me on the back and said that he envied me and what I was going to see, and that he wished he was going to be alive to know … what? … what would we discover … what wonderful things would we learn?

We never contemplated that the future doesn’t always bring progress. That knowledge is power and that power corrupts and that the glory of Rome was followed by the Dark Ages and the Library of Alexandria was burned by ignorant barbarians who, barbarians they may have been but they were victorious barbarians and if you can’t create then you destroy and loot the creation of others.

But boys and girls let me tell you one thing … it was a glorious day, back in ’69. Right there on live TV, out in public where the whole world could see.

Oh look, the Kardashians are on.

And that’s the way it is, Sunday, July 20th, two thousand fourteen. How far we have fallen.

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