Twizzled out

My candy-acquisition rule for Halloween is simple enough: get stuff I’ve heard of. Worst-case scenario: if the goblins peter out early, at least I’ll have something familiar to nosh on. (There’s a secondary rule, which says basically “Finish the year’s bloodwork before Halloween”; I trust this needs no explanation.)

This time around I picked up a bag of Twizzlers, and of course the dreaded phrase “Fun Size” came into play: no item likely to be tossed into a kid’s bag is likely to be truly fun-sized. The Twizzlers, I reasoned, would be three to a packet, cut down to a couple inches each. After looking at them more closely, I realized that they weren’t like this at all: instead, there’s a single stick, individually wrapped. Worse than that, the wrapper is damnably difficult to remove, even with bladed utensils handy.

Maybe I’ll get rid of these first.

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Careful with that zygote, Eugene

From Lawrence Ulrich’s first drive of the new BMW 7-series, in Automobile (December):

The lean, new body wears rather conservative clothing. The exterior is stately and tasteful but safer than the sex in a Planned Parenthood brochure.

I have no idea what this could possibly mean, and I’m not so sure Ulrich does either.

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In answer to the Great Bacon Scare

First, anything under United Nations control (such as WHO) is almost certainly full of crap and invariably politically motivated. You’re not going to see any pronouncements that might upset, say, Hamas.

Second, in your face, porkophobics:

Bet your bottom dollar their biscuits (not in the British sense of “biscuits”) are better than yours.

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Commanding the eye

Judging by this still from Season 4 of The Mindy Project, Mindy Kaling has grown fond of the V-neck:

Mindy Kaling with serious cleavage

It also works away from the set:

Mindy Kaling with more serious cleavage

This was all too much for me, and I went back to something a bit less revealing:

Mindy Kaling sitting

That fourth season of The Mindy Project will air on Hulu, which ordered 26 new episodes, bringing the total to 93.

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Pep rallies

Pep Boys stock rose 23 percent on the news that Bridgestone is buying them out:

Japanese tire giant Bridgestone agreed Monday to buy Pep Boys for $835 million and potentially create the largest chain of U.S. automotive service centers, the companies announced.

The deal would create a chain of more than 3,000 auto care stores — 2,200 Bridgestone-owned centers including Tires Plus, Firestone Complete Auto Care, Hibdon Tires Plus and Wheel Works, and more than 800 company-owned Pep Boys stores.

According to the companies the deal will finalize in early 2016.

One assumes that the iconic icons of Manny, Moe and Jack will remain intact after the acquisition.

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So totally not cool

Except, of course, for … oh, never mind, this is getting complicated:

Like an episode of Bones but way freakier because it’s real, a 24-year-old Las Vegas woman was found dead inside a cryotherapy chamber Tuesday. Medical examiners suggest she was literally flash-frozen, dying within “seconds.”

According to the Washington Post, esthetician Chelsea Ake-Salvacion was alone in the medical spa she managed when she entered one of the -240-degree chambers, which allegedly reduce inflammation, boost immunity and metabolism, and improve skin tone, among other health and aesthetic benefits. Results from the autopsy are still pending, but investigators initially ruled “operator error,” a charge her family denies.

Hmmm. Alone in the spa, but it wasn’t operator error. Surely she wasn’t trying to freeze herself to death, was she?

And there’s some question of how therapeutic this technique really is:

“Although [whole-body cryotherapy] produces a large temperature gradient for tissue cooling, the relatively poor thermal conductivity of air prevents significant subcutaneous and core body cooling,” an article in the journal Sports Medicine explained last year. “There is weak evidence from controlled studies that WBC enhances antioxidant capacity and parasympathetic reactivation, and alters inflammatory pathways relevant to sports recovery. A series of small randomized studies found WBC offers improvements in subjective recovery and muscle soreness following metabolic or mechanical overload, but little benefit towards functional recovery.”

Then again, I am not one to complain about subjective recovery.

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Trigger warning

Actually, if anyone needed a warning here, it was Trigger’s owner:

Indiana Conservation Officer Jonathon Boyd says 25-year-old Allie Carter of Avilla laid her 12-gauge shotgun on the ground without the safety on during a waterfowl hunt Saturday at Tri-County Fish and Wildlife Area.

Boyd says Carter’s chocolate Labrador retriever, Trigger, stepped on top of the shotgun and depressed the trigger.

He says Carter was shot in the left foot at point-blank range, suffering injuries to her foot and toes. She was treated at two hospitals and released.

Labs generally are good hunting dogs, but most of them haven’t read the Four Rules. Still, this hardly seems the dog’s fault.

(Via Nancy Friedman.)

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Neither A nor P

The Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company is now nothing more than “intellectual property”:

While A&P’s stores and associated real estate have been the focus of the retailer’s bankruptcy wind-down, now the brand itself is going on the block.

Hilco Streambank said Friday that it would be taking bids for the intellectual property of A&P, which includes brand names for its stores and private brands, its slogans and customer data.

The sale includes all intellectual property associated with the A&P, Pathmark, Waldbaum’s, Super Fresh, Food Basics and Best Cellars brands, as well as private label product brands such as America’s Choice, Woodson & James, Green Way, Jane Parker, Via Roma, and Live Better, among others. The sale is being conducted pursuant to Section 363 of the Bankruptcy Code in A&P’s Chapter 11 case pending in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court. The bid deadline is Nov. 19.

The one A&P brand that might have meant something to me — Eight O’Clock Coffee, which dated back to 1859 — was sold off more than a decade ago and is currently owned by a subsidiary of India’s Tata Group, which also owns Tetley Tea, Jaguar and Land Rover cars.

And doesn’t “Hilco Streambank” sound like someone whom Benedict Cumberbatch has outgrown?

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Apparently it’s no longer fun

Young man, we are talking to you:

I will be gobsmacked if anyone joins the Navy in response.

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Still unchewed after all these years

I acquired the palatial estate at Surlywood in 2003, and one of the details that had to be addressed before closing was termite certification; a local firm was called in to look the place over and destroy any trace of the little so-and-sos. As it turns out, none were found.

However, I retained the same firm to come back in twelve months and recheck, and they’ve been by every year since then. So far, so good.

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It’s like roaming, only worse

In the early days of wireless, you paid dearly if you wandered onto someone else’s network. Today — well, nothing much has changed:

Apple was slapped with a class-action suit on Friday, claiming that the company failed to properly warn users that the new Wi-Fi Assist feature in iOS 9 will use data from their cellular plan.

In the complaint, plaintiffs William Scott Phillips and Suzanne Schmidt Phillips allege that because of costs related to Wi-Fi Assist, the “overall amount in controversy exceeds” $5 million. Filed in a U.S. District Court in San Jose on Friday, the suit was first discovered by AppleInsider.

Once users update to iOS 9, Wi-Fi Assist is turned on by default. Its goal is [to] ensure a smooth Internet experience, switching to cellular data in the event that the user is connected to a weak Wi-Fi signal.

And if there’s one thing people fear, it’s running up the meter on their data plans. Does this fear motivate them to seek out possible data drainage? Not sufficiently, one might conclude:

The complaint asserts that Apple did not properly explain Wi-Fi Assist on its website until only after a “flood of articles” were written about unintended cellular data use. For the plaintiffs, that addition to the website was too little, too late.

After all, Apple customers can’t be expected to receive the gospel from anyone other than Apple itself, am I right?

The logical next question: “Does Samsung do something like this?” Well, of course.

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It’s where you are

The importance of keeping your eyes on the stars:

The chap in the tribal gear is dancer Skye McMichael.

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You talk too much

You worry me to death:

User profile featuring seventy thousand tweets

I mean, come on. Seventy thousand?

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Flip away

Flip Saunders, coach and head of Basketball Operations for the Minnesota Timberwolves organization, died Sunday from complications of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was 60 and had compiled a 654-594 lifetime coaching record for the T-Wolves, Wizards and Pistons over seventeen seasons.

Obligatory Oklahoma connection: Saunders served two years as an assistant coach at the University of Tulsa under Paul Pressey.

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Strange search-engine queries (508)

Daylight Saving Time doesn’t end in the States until this coming weekend, so this morning is dark as a dungeon until well past seven. In the meantime, we’ve taken advantage of the darkness to examine the search-string records, some of which perhaps should never have seen the light of day, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Kelley offers Daniel $60 to wash her car. Daniel says he’ll consider the offer. In the meantime, Cec:  prepares to dump Daniel for even thinking about washing some other woman’s car.

a dealership purchased a four-door sedan for $15:  And subsequently resold it for $27,995.

fox news shortest skirts:  Just pray it’s not Sean Hannity.

Extra Large Car Sun Shade (2 Pack) for SUVs, MiniVans and Full-Size Sedans – Premium Baby Car Window:  WTF? Does this look like Woot to you?

“flammable material” “pulchritude”:  Yeah, we know, she’s hot.

if debbye is willing to pay $50 for a pair of shoes but only has to pay $20 because the shoes are on sale:  She’ll probably spend $30 on an almost-matching bag.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4:  In a better world, bacon would be free for all.

according to research on the so-called 10-year rule:  This is not like the five-second rule, is it?

johnny cash’s car:  Ring of fire, and piston damage as a result.

this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions winchester bandit 9 gun safe accessories: Because robots would never, ever own guns.

you don’t have a valid license for visage:  Who’d license this face?

using your knowledge of the language of the political subculture:  See if you can keep from vomiting.

“gonads” + “contact” ~immaterial:  Speak for yourself, pal. It’s pretty damned material to the rest of us.

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A switch to whip you with

Children who grew up in a Certain Era remember this phrase with horror. That sort of thing is passé now, because sticks are just too valuable these days:

Three birch branches from Crate and Barrel

The warm white color and papery bark of natural birch branches adds a rustic, outdoorsy look to wintertime décor, blending equally well with classic and contemporary interiors. Bunch of three branches, gathered in the U.S., comes wrapped in jute and can be used for years to come.

Only $29.95 the set from Crate and Barrel.

Now the question becomes “How do you punish the child for breaking a stick worth ten dollars?”

(Via @twonervousdogs.)

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