The drama’s done

Why then here does any one step forth? Because they can:

Emoji DickEmoji Dick is a crowd sourced and crowd funded translation of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick into Japanese emoticons called emoji.

Each of the book’s approximately 10,000 sentences has been translated three times by a Amazon Mechanical Turk worker. These results have been voted upon by another set of workers, and the most popular version of each sentence has been selected for inclusion in this book.

In total, over eight hundred people spent approximately 3,795,980 seconds working to create this book. Each worker was paid five cents per translation and two cents per vote per translation.

Talk not to them of blasphemy, man.

(Via Julie R. Neidlinger, who posits this publication as the definition of “mixed feelings.”)

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Strange search-engine queries (427)

“Spring is sprung / The grass is riz / I wonder where / The searches iz?” Right here.

Applications for the Cd4e transmission:  See if you can find one that will tell you when it’s going to fail.

masterbation of purnia girl fully nacked girl:  You’ll never make it there in time, inasmuch as your transmission is about to fail.

i have a 2006 mazda tribut and the transmishion filter is in the transmishion cant be changed how often doo i need oil changed:  I’d point to the manual, but the chance that you’d be able to read it seems awfully small.

what causes the shift solenoid in the transmission to work:  Electricity. Now what causes it not to work?

a small sport-utility vehicle gas tank holds 60 quarts of gasoline. how many gallons does it hold?  Fifteen, which all by itself will decrease the Arctic ice pack by 0.9 percent.

weird trick grocery stores:  You have to know what you’re doing, but generally it works like this: you hand over some green paper, they give you a shoulder roast.

licke boy viode:  If you insist, though I don’t think anyone will like it.

joseph emmet from his 1882 play fritz among the gypsies:  Not recently revived, as the set decorations are constantly on the fritz.

sextube windowslive:  Let’s hope this is Windows XP and you get the malware injection you so richly deserve.

How much does a receptionist earn at skynet:  $10.10 an hour plus all the humans you can exterminate.

index of hendrix .wma:  And so downloads made of sand / Go 404 / and not much more.

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Suns continue to shine

Whatever else may happen this year, one of the biggest stories in the NBA, if you ask me, is the return of the Phoenix Suns, a meager 25-57 last year, to legitimate playoff contention; a win tonight would go a long way to nailing down the #8 seed, what with both the Grizzlies and the Mavericks owning tiebreakers over Phoenix. So the Suns played like there was no tomorrow, and for most of the game maintained a small lead; Oklahoma City pulled ahead at 112-111 with 2:39 left, but Markieff Morris rattled down four points in a row on a layup and two free throws, and after Kevin Durant dribbled into a double-team, P. J. Tucker nailed two more freebies, and Eric Bledsoe added four more just for fun. That made it 121-112 Phoenix, and a Kevin Durant trey in the waning moments went all for naught: the Suns claimed the win, 122-115, the season series 2-1, and maybe, just maybe, that vital #8 spot in the West.

That trey of KD’s gave him 38 points; he’s now gone 25-plus in 41 consecutive games, passing Michael Jordan on the all-time list for such streaks. Russell Westbrook looked pretty good with 33 points in 33 minutes before fouling out. But Serge Ibaka had an off night — 11 points, six boards, no blocks — and the Thunder bench, led by Reggie Jackson with 11, was utterly outplayed by the Phoenix reserves, led by Gerald Green with 24 and the Morris twins (Markieff and Marcus) with ten apiece.

Not that the Phoenix starters needed tremendous help, mind you; Goran Dragić came up with 26 points on 11-19 shooting — by comparison, Durant was 13-28 — and P. J. Tucker posted a season-high 22. The Suns were shooting 60 percent into the fourth quarter and finished at 58; the Thunder managed 47, that cold spell at the end dragging the numbers down a bit.

What follows: two West Coast games, one at Sacramento on Tuesday, one at Los Angeles on Wednesday. The Clippers, who beat the Lakers tonight, are 55-23; the Thunder, 55-21. No more need be said.

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El Darto

While most online ads are, I think you’ll agree, eminently blockable, I figure the least I can do for sites on which I rely for information and/or blogfodder is to let the stuff come through unhindered; not only does this toggle off the site’s usual whine about blockers, but the ads themselves often provide material.

Fark, for instance, has a pretty good chance of sending me something related to things I’ve looked up recently, especially if I’ve looked them up at a retail site. Once in a while, I get something relevant from Equestria Daily, but more often I get something like this:

Dodge Dart ad in Spanish

I have no idea what I did to deserve that.

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Matthew Riley MacPherson, a developer at Mozilla, posted the following factoids regarding “[Brendan] Eich, queers, and Mozilla”:

I Like EichWe added trans benefits and a Code of Conduct with Brendan in a leadership position.

I have spoke to no queer Mozilla people who feel Eich has ever made them uncomfortable. I have never heard of Eich attacking homosexuals at Mozilla.

Conversely, Gerv posted a call to action against Gay marriage to Planet Mozilla, which prompted the creation of a Code of Conduct at Mozilla, which Eich worked on.

Mozilla has amazing benefits for same-sex couples everywhere possible, including in many US states where it is not legally required.

Mozilla as a company donated more for equal marriage rights than against.

This was posted before Eich stepped down. Subsequently, after Eich’s departure, MacPherson posted this:

I think if Eich had apologized, expressed regret, and attempted to repair the negative image painted of Mozilla, he might still be CEO. He could’ve shown that he could put Mozilla first, that he could swallow his pride to appear fair, and that he cared about the mission more than preserving his privacy over a public donation.

So while the mob might feel like it won, proving that there is some kind of zero-tolerance for homophobia in America, Eich’s departure from Mozilla tells a slightly more nuanced story than that.

In the best of all possible worlds, of course, Eich would have responded to the Inquisition with — but forget that. Were this the best of all possible worlds, there never would have been an Inquisition in the first place, would there?

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Speaking of trees

Tony Woodlief, on ice storms and their impact:

There is no predicting which trees will break, nor how they will falter. Some shed limbs as a rebirthing, others lose not a one. Some are sundered to their roots, as if a rotten core had crept up through the center of them, or had been birthed within them, had been inside them from the beginning, only to be revealed in the testing hour.

A pin oak behind my house cast down a dozen widow-makers, a proud magnolia fell into itself grotesquely. A pear tree shed half itself across my driveway. Branches speared the earth, some of them a foot deep, because when you stretch to heaven you have much further to fall, and your breaking is perilous to all around you.

To sum it up:

Sometimes the ones we thought strong topple, while the stoop-shouldered endure. They endure because they bend beneath the weight, they shoulder it as beasts of burden and within them is something like faith that it will pass.

Sometimes they get by with a little help from their friends, but they survive.

Two years of unrelenting drought killed off three of my trees, and surely weakened the others; yet the others are still standing, still green (or other color as appropriate), still keeping watch. It’s hard not to feel somewhat comforted by that, even as I mourn the departed.

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Carrying on unbowed

A medium-sized ice storm came to town in the third week of December, causing a bit more damage than the water volume might have led us to expect. I reported at the time that “one of the twin redbuds was cut almost in half,” which turned out to be about five percent too high. Still, losing 45 percent of a tree is tantamount to losing the whole thing, so I was worried that it was a goner.

“Not yet, I’m not,” it said:

Twin redbuds

Now this tree was an anomaly in the first place: a redbud that wasn’t even red, fercrissake. This is not unheard of in Cercis reniformis, but it’s not exactly common either, another reason for hoping for its survival. This shot was taken from about 12 feet away, where you can see both white and red trees beginning to put forth their ephemeral blooms. In less time than you think, these will be replaced by actual leaves and occasional seed pods.

(Full-sized version posted to Flickr.)

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Treated like crap

Why am I not surprised that (1) this is on Fark (2) with a FLORIDA tag?

A 49-year-old woman found herself in a pile of trouble after investigators linked her to apparent human poop in an elevator at the St. Lucie County Courthouse in downtown Fort Pierce.

The case against Patricia Ann Jamison, of Lake Worth, got rolling March 7 after court security staff learned of what looked to be “human fecal matter in the corner of the left public elevator by the buttons,” according to recently released St. Lucie County Sheriff’s records.

In case you’re not familiar with the substance in question — in which case, we welcome you, our new robot overlords — it’s like this:

Feces, also known as ordure, dung, stool, poo poo and feculence, typically is found in commodes or cow pastures, as opposed to public elevators.

And, if memory serves, it happens.

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Give or take a cubit

We’re not saying that they’d all fit, but we’re saying that they’d all float:

[R]esearch by physics students suggests that a structure on the scale of Noah’s ark as described in the ancient text could have been built.

And what’s more, they say it would have been buoyant even with two of every animal on Earth on board.

Okay, you’ve gotten my attention. How does this work?

  • The dimensions for the ark were provided in cubits in the Bible, an archaic measure based on the distance between the elbow and the tip of the middle finger.
  • Noah was commanded to make the boat out of ‘gopher wood’ and in order to calculate the weight of the empty ark they needed to know the density of the material the boat was constructed out of, but there is no modern-day equivalent of gopher wood.
  • English translations of the Bible refer to cypress wood instead, so this was the material that the students used.
  • In order to calculate the overall downward force of the ark, the students needed to know the mass of the animals on board; previous research has suggested that the average mass of an animal is approximately equal to that of one sheep, 23.47kg, which was the figure used.
  • “Our conclusions were that the ark would support the weight of 2.15 million sheep without sinking and that should be enough to support all of the species that were around at the time.”

Still unexplained: why Noah didn’t swat those frickin’ mosquitoes when he had the chance; and dammit, you expect unicorns to be smarter than that. Or at least I do.

(Via Interested-Participant.)

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Not a serif in sight

Apparently I’m not the only person who thought Ariana Grande was a Windows font. She’s actually a young singer/actress who did three years on Nickelodeon’s series Victorious and has released one album, Yours Truly. She might look all of her twenty years — maybe — in this shot from Nick’s Kids’ Choice Awards last weekend:

Ariana Grande on Nickelodeon

The best track off Yours Truly, I think, is the retro-sounding “Baby I,” which supposedly was originally written for Beyoncé. Grande does well here, with only a couple of seconds of Mariah Carey-ish caterwauling.

Retro-looking, too, I suppose.

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Some renaissance this is

The Friar drops in at Norman’s Medieval Faire, and spots a rolling anachronism:

A local TV station’s “storm chaser” truck and weather frou-frou display, because heaven knows we don’t have enough reminders that we’re entering storm season in Oklahoma and that if we watch some other channel we’re all going to die.

The least they could do is give the guy — they never seem to send the women for some reason — a proper broadsword.

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Point and whatever

What could be handier for today’s electronic musician?

This is yet another Kickstarter that’s drawn my attention; I have no discernible musical talent, or so I’ve always believed, but just the idea of this puts me in Rapt Fascination Mode.

Of course, if I were a musician:

Most of us on our small team are musicians who are tired of being stuck behind computer screens, keyboards, faders, knobs, and buttons to make our music. We feel there could be a better way that is more like the experiences we have with traditional instruments: using the dexterity and mobility of the human body.

And, as Roberta X notes, “The UI options are huge.

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Lots and lots of red glare

Is there something in the Thunder playbook that says “Start out slow”? Once again, OKC fell behind early — 14-4 early on, 43-29 with five minutes left in the first half — and had to play catchup. Fortunately, by now they’re good at it, and the Thunder led Houston 84-82 after three quarters. But the Rockets evened it up quickly, aided by a sieve-like Thunder perimeter defense — if Houston wasn’t actually getting the treys, they were getting free throws — and pulled away in the last few minutes, winning 111-107, clinching a playoff spot, and avoiding the season sweep.

The man of the hour, unsurprisingly, was James Harden, whose 9-22 shooting was pretty decent, but whose performance at the stripe won it: The Beard was 17-20 on free throws. The entire Thunder team was 18-20. Remember what I said about the Oklahoma City perimeter defense? Harden cashed in big on both ends. And when it wasn’t Harden, it was Chandler Parsons (23 points, 10-11 from the stripe); Terrence Jones and Omer Asik combined for just over half of Houston’s 45 rebounds.

Weirdly, both teams had 45 rebounds, and both teams were 13-31 from three-point land. In Russell Westbrook’s absence, Reggie Jackson mostly acquitted himself well, with 17 points, seven assists, and only a couple of “WTF were you thinking?” moments. Steven Adams, starting in the middle while Kendrick Perkins rests up, rolled his ankle; this meant that most of the night, Serge Ibaka was playing something like center. And Serge was up to it; he hit 11-17 for a career-high-tying 27 points, reeled in nine boards, and swatted six shots. Kevin Durant, on the other hand, was having a bad day, at least by Kevin Durant standards: 28 points — that’s 40 games in a row at 25 or more, so scoot over on the bench there, MJ — albeit only 7-19 from the floor, six assists and 12 rebounds. Caron Butler led the bench with 13. (The entire Houston bench — Kevin McHale played only three reserves — had 14.) Jeremy Lamb, ostensibly the player from whom Butler was taking minutes, did show up for 22 tonight, 5-8 for 12 points.

This of course drops the Thunder to 3½ games behind San Antonio with seven to play. But I tell you what: if the seeding at the end is the same as the seeding tonight, I’d much rather play Dallas (#7) in the first round than Memphis (#8).

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Bank error in your favor

ATMs are not known for their generosity; in fact, they can be obstinate and obtuse, which surprisingly is not the fault of Windows XP.

But sometimes Things Happen:

This all started at one in the morning, when officers were called to a TD Bank branch on Maine Mall road. A transient was inside the bank sleeping beside the ATM. Officers went inside and moved him along. But, he came back.

At 5:30 in the morning, a woman waiting to use the ATM in this bank called police to report a man spending an unusual amount of time at the ATM. When South Portland police officers drove up, they saw this same homeless man inside filling a shopping bag with cash from the ATM. How much? It turns out it’s more than $37,000 in cash.

We can safely assume this sum exceeded his available balance:

[A police lieutenant] says the man used his bank card to withdraw $140 from his account, but then kept going. And the ATM just kept giving him money.

The cops returned the funds to the bank, which shut down the machine remotely; no charges were filed against the customer.

(Via Consumerist.)

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Tour preparation

This year’s model of the AIA Architecture Tour is a week from Saturday. Barring catastrophe, I will be there, as I have been every year since 2007.

Ticket acquisition is a bit different this year. In the past, I’ve just gone to their site, invoked PayPal, and a couple of days later a letter would come back with a pair of tickets enclosed. This time, they sent encoded PDF files which I’m supposed to print out and then exchange at any tour stop for proper tickets. This presents no problem, really, but I’m wondering if this is simply a way to save money on postage, which isn’t at all a bad thing, or if there’s some other motivation at work.

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Quote of the week

The first truth about sex, says the Nightfly, is that it unites people:

Physically this is indisputable; as one moves through the physical to the mental and spiritual, it becomes easier to hide and mislead on this basic fact, but couples themselves know better. In fact, sex is often enough the result of couples who catch each other’s attention for other reasons. In situations where the physical is the primary motive, these other motives for spending time together frequently arise; those couples without these other bonds nearly always dissolve. Sex also frequently leads to couples preferring each other to anyone else, and both expecting and promising exclusivity — a thing that could not happen if the physical bond were the only one to consider, since there are always times where one or both partner is unavailable sexually. Also, sexual attraction naturally leads to people pairing off in as beneficial a match to themselves as they can arrange: not necessarily where the greatest sensual delights lie, either. Nor is satisfaction in a lover’s relationship exclusively gauged by those couples as the greatest degree of physical sensation. And it all leads to family units that people are willing to defend to the death against all comers. A happy home is something worth protecting, and not surprisingly people will speak up about and oppose proposals destructive to that happiness — whether the family or the proposal are liberal or conservative. People with families to protect unite across political and social strata to do it.

Of course, there are those who resist the very idea of progressing to the spiritual:

This is a major protection from all the other nonsense peddled as alternatives to healthy and fully-realized humanity. Society can hardly be remade along statist or Marxist lines with that sort of thing going on. Thus the major thing to do is to destroy families … a tricky proposition.

Then again, if you’ve promised your heart to the state, at least you’ll have a chance to be faithful: no one worth having will stand in your way.

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