Strange search-engine queries (278)

What goes on here is a simple process: the visitor logs are examined, and any search strings that can be mocked, will be. It’s like a very slow, time-consuming version of Twitter.

population 57,000 oklahoma:  That’s how many would be left if everyone who ran the red lights on Northwest Distressway between Pennsylvania and Belle Isle were immediately dispatched to the afterlife.

gulp-worthy:  This time of year, almost anything that’s liquid and cold.

porn star runs for presiedncy [sic]:  An example where work experience pays off, since part of the job is to ensure that certain classes of people get screwed.

how do you estimate cost of gas for 5,000 mile road trip:  Divide 5000 by the car’s fuel consumption in miles per gallon. Multiply this figure by the current price of fuel. Then add 15 percent to allow for the fact that (1) you’ll be in no position to go bargain-hunting and (2) it’s summer and gas always goes up in summer.

iq differences between the sexes:  Usually not pronounced, though experimental evidence suggests that as she gets more beautiful, he gets dumber.

dakota fanning panty photos:  Not ’til she’s 18, ya perv.

what is the font for fox news:  I never watch Fox News, but I’d guess Tragic Sans.

I hate Carly Foulkes:  And so AT&T begins its campaign to engulf and devour T-Mobile.

what makes the grackle so nasty:  I’ll have to ask Janet — um, Miss Jackson.

original nudists:  Adam and Eve, of course, though they had no idea.

why was there not a scooby-doo pez dispenser:  They were afraid people would try to stuff Scooby Snacks into them.

can you have a second job while working at walmart:  You’ll probably need one, if you expect to buy expensive stuff like health insurance.

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Of remembrance and forgetting

It gets a little harder each year.

I am the son of a sailor and a sailor who had been a soldier. I had a brother who was a sailor, and a sister who was a soldier’s wife. By the mercy of God or an accident of timing — we’ll never, of course, know for sure — none of them were taken as a direct result of enemy action. But they were taken just the same, as all of us some day must be.

Memorial Day, it occurs to me, is the most solemn holiday of the American civic religion, unconnected to any organized denomination, with its own rituals and myths:

What we have, then, from the earliest years of the republic is a collection of beliefs, symbols, and rituals with respect to sacred things and institutionalized in a collectivity. This religion — there seems no other word for it — while not antithetical to and indeed sharing much in common with Christianity, was neither sectarian nor in any specific sense Christian. At a time when the society was overwhelmingly Christian, it seems unlikely that this lack of Christian reference was meant to spare the feelings of the tiny non-Christian minority. Rather, the civil religion expressed what those who set the precedents felt was appropriate under the circumstances. It reflected their private as well as public views. Nor was the civil religion simply “religion in general.” While generality was undoubtedly seen as a virtue by some … the civil religion was specific enough when it came to the topic of America. Precisely because of this specificity, the civil religion was saved from empty formalism and served as a genuine vehicle of national religious self-understanding.

Which is not to say that everyone embraces it; there are those who are content with empty formalism, and those who might dismiss even that as a “fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” And for some, Memorial Day is simply the beginning of summer, nothing more.

Perhaps this is one of those times when, as the phrase goes, you had to be there, and human nature being what it is, a lot of us eventually will be. Much as I would like to endorse the idea that man can be educated out of his warlike tendencies, evidence to support such a notion is conspicuous by its absence; a perfunctory glance at the news is enough to show how easily we fall back into tribalism and other traits we fancy ourselves to have outgrown.

This old soldier will fade away in time, remembered by a few, forgotten by others, never known at all by most. So far as I can tell, this puts me more or less even with most of the human race. I can live with that.

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Rabbit eye movement

This started out as an excuse for me to put up a Hilary Swank picture, because I can almost always think of a reason to put up a Hilary Swank picture, and her facial expression here is classically disgusted: you’d almost think some Congressman had sent her a picture of his junk or something.

Hilary Swank on the Today Show May 19 '11

Then I looked around the periphery of the shot, and — what’s this? Bunny slippers?

So I had to hunt down another shot from the same scene, which was on the Today show from the 19th of May:

Hilary Swank on the Today Show May 19 '11

Evidently they had a Pajama Party on that day, and these are the bunny slippers in question, as I found out here.

The only thing that puzzles me here: I had no idea Kathie Lee Gifford owned any pajamas. Maybe they’re official NBC wardrobe stuff.

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Can’t get enough of that wonderful Duff

In fact, if you’re in any of the American cities named Springfield, you can’t get it at all. But venture south of the border, and “Woo-hoo!”

Homer Simpson would feel at home in Latin America. His favorite beer, Duff, is available in Mexico, Argentina, Colombia and Chile.

The lager has the same logo as the brew that Homer guzzles at Moe’s, his local bar in the Fox cartoon series. In South America, the beer’s motto is “Yes it does exist!” But nobody seems to be willing to discuss Springfield’s finest.

The makers of Duff in South America say they aren’t allowed to talk to the U.S. media. Duff Mexico — which started the Latin American trend — would not respond to interview requests. And 20th Century Fox, which owns the rights to The Simpsons, said it would not comment on the story and would not say if it has a licensing agreement with any of the Duff producers.

Asked for comment, Homer Simpson replied: “Homer no function beer well without.”

(Via Fark. Mmmm…Fark.)

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423

For this week’s Carnival of the Vanities, the 423rd, Andrew Ian Dodge is “out of the fog (but it’s coming back this weekend).

The Royal Canadian Air Force has seen its share of fog. An incident in 1958:

On 10 October, 423 Squadron wrote off a CF-100 without, fortunately, loss of life. The Canuck in question overran Runway 15, ending up in the crash barrier. Ground fog, which had dominated the base for over a week, was the probable root cause of the accident. At the end of the month, the squadron took advantage of the poor flying conditions to give its members a four-day stand-down.

Before you ask: “Canuck,” in this context, refers to the aircraft, not to its pilot.

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Songs without words

This title, as it happens, is the one I use for compilation discs of pop/rock instrumentals, of which I’ve done four so far. Then again, I’ve never attempted anything quite so broad as this:

No words can describe how great the inaugural release from Complete 60s Records is — because there are no words! This exciting new label from England is undertaking an unprecedented, decade-long project to compile every single Billboard Hot 100 instrumental hit of the 1960s. Complete Pop Instrumental Hits of the Sixties, Vol. 1 — 1960 marks the beginning of a series of releases that will definitively document the decade when the pop instrumental genre truly reached its zenith.

How big a project? The 1960 set alone contains 81 tracks on three CDs, though some of them are late-’59 “bonus tracks.” Over a ten-year period, we’re looking at probably 600 instrumental chart hits, so this is a major undertaking by any standard.

And the timing is of the essence. Why are we getting 1960 now, and why are we not getting 1969 until presumably 2021? The answer may lie in the fact that Complete 60s Records is a British label, and is therefore subject to European Union copyright laws, which contain this provision:

The rights of phonogram producers last for fifty years after publication of the phonogram, or for fifty years after its communication to the public if it had never been published during that period, or for fifty years after its creation if it had never been communicated to the public (Art. 3(2), D. 93/98/EEC, as modified by Art. 11(2), D. 2001/29/EC).

The Commission wanted to change this to 95 years; the European Parliament passed a 70-year version, but the Council of Ministers has so far shown no interest in approving the change. A report commissioned by the EC, in fact, recommended against it [pdf].

Since sound production will be done in the States by Eric Records, a reissue label with a sterling reputation, I expect these to sound pretty darn good.

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Home is where the heat is

What everyone remembers Gil Scott-Heron for is the stentorian declaration “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.”

But if your tastes happen to run to chilling ghetto commentary with a sweet Caribbean beat, Scott-Heron is your man. The song is “The Bottle,” from the 1974 album Winter in America, in which Scott-Heron shares the credit with Brian Jackson, who plays a mean, Herbie Mann-like flute.

This song, I mention in passing, came up in yesterday evening’s shuffle right after the Chi-Lites’ “(For God’s Sake) Give More Power to the People,” a juxtaposition I suspect Scott-Heron, who died last week at a too-young sixty-two, might have appreciated.

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Ut vos es in foramine nolite traducti

I’ve had the current site motto — “I couldn’t possibly fail to disagree with you less” — for many years now, and I am not likely to change it any time soon.

So I pass this Latin phrase on to you. Use it wisely.

Vade et caca in pilleum et ipse traheatur super aures tuos.

This is where it came from, and there’s a whole convoluted story behind it. (One reasonable starting place is here.) If nothing else, it’s an object lesson in the First Rule of Holes.

(Sent me by old friend and occasional commenter Mel.)

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In times of trouble

“If you take a walk,” warned George Harrison in “Taxman” many years ago, “I’ll tax your feet.” Which is probably not why Hilary Duff decided she’d quote Paul McCartney instead:

Hilary Duff in Zanotti sandals

This strikes me as an odd place for a tattoo, though perhaps not the oddest.

Oh, the shoes? Giuseppe Zanotti, $795. I have learned to trust Shoebunny implicitly in the matter of shoe identification.

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Rank amateur

This was titled “Update Your Account!!”, with both exclamation points, a dead giveaway before I even got around to looking at the body of the message. But it got worse:

We are bringing to your notice that our customer service will be damaging down some account users in our data base, due to the high number of different accounts that has been violated by our account policy, terms and conditions we are destroying down some email users.

if you still choose to maintain your account with us.
Provide us with the below info :

E -mail:
Password:
Birth date:

send all informations to: update55@qatar.io

Account owner that refuses to maintain his or her account after 2-3 working days of this notification will loose account permanently from our site. NOTE !!! account user that refuses to maintain his/her account will have account permanently removed from our data base for email violation.

© 1998-2011
Cox Communications

This buttinski has several rungs to ascend before he can consider himself even a script kiddie.

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Your NBA Finals prediction

Sports television at this level insists on showing you a glimpse of the surrounding cityscape. To find your winner, you need only look for the American Airlines logo on the side of the venue.

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Unspecial FX

The Debbie Wasserman Schultz drive-American debacle generated all manner of tweetage, and a quip from the Instant Man:

Even worse, it’s a Japanese car that, though it’s built in America, is built in a right-to-work state!

This is a slight misquote of Moe Lane, who actually said this:

Seriously, Debbie? If you’re going to fulminate about Republican Presidential candidates driving foreign cars, don’t own a Nissan, OK? Particularly since the only places where they’re made in the USA are in right-to-work states.

Lane is quite correct here. Schultz’s Infiniti FX35 sport-utility, however, was assembled in Nissan’s Tochigi plant; the only Infiniti ever built in the US was the first-generation QX56, which was spun off Nissan’s Armada and built alongside it in Canton, Mississippi. (The current QX56 is a vaguely-Americanized Nissan Patrol, built in Kyushu.) Some lower-end Nissans are actually assembled in Mexico.

I’ve actually owned Japanese cars made in the US — by UAW members, yet! — but creatures of that ancestry are few and far between.

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Three something

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

This is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, usually seen on the, um, right side of the sofa on The View; I’m reasonably certain she’s not reading about Osama bin Laden, but other than that, I haven’t a clue as to what’s going on.

I will, however, mention that she turns 34 this weekend.

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Ask the woman who doesn’t own one

Suzanne Schell lists some phrases she found in advertising for women’s swimwear, and while I’m not in the market for women’s swimwear, I found the effect in aggregate to be downright daunting:

Potential problem areas, Draw attention away from, Draw attention to, Slimming, Conceals, Hides, Camouflages, Minimizes, Problem areas, Trouble spots, Figure flaws, Slimming panels, Tummy control, Compresses, Flattens, Enhances, Maximizes, Deflect attention from, Doesn’t add poufiness, Smoothes out any lumps, Stay away from adding any bulk, Built in bra for support and shape, Draws attention to an area that you do want to flaunt, thus distracting from an area you don’t.

Geez. Almost, though not quite, an argument for a burqa. (Until you get it wet, and the added weight drags you into the undertow.)

(Found in the AANR E-Bulletin, which lands in members’ inboxes once a month, which fact will give away Ms Schell’s own swimwear preference. And no, they don’t have an annual Swimsuit Issue.)

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You know what it is

A bit of vandalism at Rebecca Black’s house:

Fun with chalk

Says she:

Someone wrote this on my driveway, made me laugh! There was more but it got washed off. /: Thanks to who did this! :D <3

And that’s your “Friday” update for the week.

Addendum: Question to me, posed on Facebook: “What are you, a Rebecca Black groupie?” Um, not. I figure, though, that anyone who is so cordially hated on the Net is worth some of my time.

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And it’s tricky clearing those laser beams

Proposal for discussion, found at Hatless in Hattiesburg: “When did the internet ‘jump the shark’?”

I’m thinking “when Jon Hein sold jumptheshark.com to TV Guide,” which would have been in the summer of 2006.

He Who Lacks Headgear has an idea of his own, of course, complete with nifty graphic. He does not agree with me, but I don’t expect anyone to agree with me.

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