Ten years after

So I’m looking through the very first posts by Glenn Reynolds, who’s been at the Instapundit soapbox for ten years now, presumably taking time out for meals, though I’m damned if I can figure where he finds the opportunity, and I wonder: “What was I saying back then?”

Apparently this:

Thumbs up to this moderately-newfangled chip-repair service for automotive windshields. As World Tour fans will recall, I caught a meteorite or something while passing between the Carolinas on I-95. A Charleston glass shop balked at repairing the hole, saying that it was too close to the line of sight; South Carolina law is apparently fairly finicky about repairable and non-repairable zones. I balked at replacing the windshield, reasoning that I had a couple thousand miles to go, and what’s to prevent me from catching another freaking projectile? There were no further falling rocks, and I resolved to ignore the little dent — until today, when I watched a repair job being performed on a coworker’s vehicle, and I was sufficiently impressed to ask the young lady doing the deed if she could make time for my car next. She could, and all that remains is a faint semicircle surrounding a tiny zit, low enough on the glass that I actually have to look for it to see it. A shorter driver might not be so lucky, but while I’ve lost an inch or two off my waist, I’m not likely to lose that much off my height, so that’s not my problem.

Thumbs down to whatever demons are automagically summoned when you have to install a HP DeskJet on an IBM ThinkPad, especially if it’s going to be running through a USB port. (No, it’s not a Windows 95 box, but thanks for asking.) I am sorely tempted to blow off this USB stuff and make the end user deal with a parallel port, the way God (or at least Centronics) intended.

Oh, and there was Vent #256 that week.

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Font of every blessing

Okay, not every blessing, but this works for me:

Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry

(From meme-meme.org. Previous my-don’t-they-look-alike coverage here.)

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You could call it an analogy

TurboTax Timmy doth inspire us all, it seems:

April 19th, 2011 — “Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said Tuesday there is ‘no risk’ the U.S. will lose its top credit rating amid a new analysis that revised its outlook on American debt to ‘negative’.”

In another similar risk-free move, I decided to go without the condom. The way I figure it, when will I be in Haiti again?

If I’d issued KingShamus a MasterCard, I’d be raising his limit right about now, just for that.

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Slenderize your soda

The Coca-Cola Company, citing its 125th anniversary, has introduced a new 1.25-liter bottle, complete with traditional Coke waistline, which showed up on my local store shelves this week.

Coca-Cola says:

The perfect take-home size for smaller households, the 1.25-liter bottle, which will be available for less than $1.00, extends the growing stable of Coca-Cola packages designed to provide people with more ways to enjoy the beverages they love.

“Less than $1.00” = what, 99 cents? Actually, the local store in question had the new-style bottle for 98 cents, which is twice as much of a discount as I might have expected. Then again, shelf space inevitably being limited, the 1.25-liter bottles were shoved in hard against their 2-liter brethren — which were being sold for a buck and a quarter.

The three-liter bottle has been missing in action for several years.

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The bottom of the automotive food chain

Not only would you not want to live there, it’s not even a nice place to visit.

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Strange search-engine queries (288)

Once more into the logs, where we seek out the most laughable, most ludicrous, or sometimes just the most pathetic search strings from the past week. (Well, we skip the ones we think are just too gross.)

“Georgia law” upskirt:  It’s not so much the Georgia law that pesky perv photographers should fear; it’s the Georgia boyfriends, who will kick their asses all the way across Tennessee.

pairs ungrown:  Endemic disease among contemporary American males, indicated by extensive whining.

chinese jewish comedians:  For example, Yung Man Heni.

adventures of buck:  I wouldn’t know. It never stops here.

jersey is shit, by any reasonable standard. whether it’s the blight up north, or the delaware-esque blandness down south, or the tacky pseudo-americana in central, it’s a horrible, awful, mind-numbingly mediocre cultural black hole, a blemish on the rest of america, an embarrassment to itself an others, an endless source of tragic personalities and circumstances, remarkable only in its ability to lower the standards of human society.  This must be some of that “civility” we keep hearing about these days.

I”d licke toue buey Bichon ferris:  You’ve heard of Pig Latin? This appears to be Unspecified Canine Icelandic. (Either that, or auto-correct now defaults to Finnish.)

prius is a badass:  Especially compared to that wuss Yaris.

maureen dowd ugly feet:  Well, that explains everything.

oh hell no button:  The first social network to come up with one will rule the world.

vaccine lines Mazda 626 1993:  It’s almost 20 years old. Pointless to give it a shot this late.

pull anything:  Well, except this finger.

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So cold, this

One day Trini and I were talking post-grunge, and I asked her, goofily enough, “Is there a pre-post-grunge?” She gave that the snicker it deserved, departed for a moment, and returned with a few tracks by Breaking Benjamin, which she identified as a post-post-grunge band.

And which is now, apparently, an ex-band:

Breaking Benjamin has reached its breaking point.

The Wilkes-Barre band, which gained worldwide fame for alternative rock anthems focused mainly on affliction and adversity, has been torn apart by a feud between its namesake lead singer and two longtime bandmates, according to a trove of court documents obtained by The Citizens’ Voice.

The dispute, over a new recording of the band’s hit song “Blow Me Away,” erupted in May when lead singer Benjamin Burnley fired the bandmates, guitarist Aaron Fincke and bassist Mark Klepaski, via e-mail.

“Blow Me Away” has a weird history anyway. Recorded for the game Halo 2 in 2004, it was available only on an EP for several years. In 2010, for some reason, it was released as a single, and was added as a bonus track — labeled “Soundtrack Version” — to the Zune (!) version of the Dear Agony album.

Burnley’s dispute with his bandmates arose when, he said, they agreed to a remix of “Blow Me Away,” for which Disney’s Hollywood Records anted up $100,000, without telling him. The new version, billed as “featuring Valora” — more precisely, featuring Valora singer Sydnee Duran, also signed to Hollywood — is out right now as a single. (There’s no video yet, but there is a YouTube version; the un-Valora’ed Halo version is here.) Perhaps most annoying to Burnley: the imminent compilation Shallow Bay: The Best of Breaking Benjamin contains not the original “Blow Me Away,” but the remix.

I think I’m more annoyed that Shallow Bay doesn’t contain the song “Shallow Bay,” from their 2002 album Saturate. (Which contains Trini’s favorite BB song: “Polyamorous.”)

Fincke and Klepaski wanted everything aired in open court, but apparently the case is going to arbitration.

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Uptown revisited

True, this:

Uptown Theatre in Minneapolis

Previous Uptown Theatre (Minneapolis) hilarity here.

(Via FAILBlog’s WIN!)

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That’s your email there

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Car and Driver’s experience with MyFord Touch in their Explorer test vehicle (September ’11):

The system is often slow to respond or recognize inputs. Late in our evaluation, the touch screen froze. Disconnecting and reconnecting the car’s battery rebooted the system, at which point the screen displayed a Microsoft logo and the words, “Performing Scheduled Maintenance.”

Next question: Do you have to visit the dealer to obtain Service Pack 1, or is it going to download while you’re stuck on the freeway?

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Responsibility unclaimed

There’s only one thing worse than competing terrorist cells popping up to assert that yes, this was all their doing, pay no attention to those other guys, and that’s the deadly seriousness with which the Snooze Media treat those assertions, even when no doubt exists as to the identity of the perpetrators:

Did Edward R. Murrow ever say “An Army Air Force B-17 was shot down over Düsseldorf today. We’ll be back after these messages with who claimed responsibility”? No, he didn’t. And do you know why? Because he wasn’t a microcephalic hairspray-headed cretin whose entire world outside of Manhattan cocktail parties consisted of nothing but an endless globe-spanning daisy chain of identical luxury hotel rooms joined by a pressurized tube of first-class airliner cabins and the back seats of Cadillacs, that’s why, you plush-bottomed yahoo.

This is, incidentally, why we’re not even slightly effective as imperialists: we claim to care about such things. Evidently the War College is no longer offering Subjugation 101.

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A hell of an idea

A fellow named Finrod, given to commenting at The Other McCain and a few other places, left this parenthetical remark at the end of a comment:

By the way, one of my hopeless pet causes is to change the interstate number of the DC Beltway from I-495 to I-666.

Since the Beltway actually connects with Interstate 66, this would be at least somewhat legit, or at least more so than, say, California’s Interstate 238.

Put me down in favor of this change.

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Is there a prescription-strength sunscreen?

Yes, it’s been a long, long stay inside this Bessemer-converter simulation they’ve been calling a “heat dome,” and just when I was adding a couple more points to my Despair Quotient, I got a little surprise from the American Association for Nude Recreation: one of those prescription-savings cards that is definitely Not Insurance, nosiree.

Now this is a fairly common “membership benefit” offered by lots of organizations, and it’s not like I’ve never seen one before. Still: in the age of the four-dollar generic, are these things even useful anymore?

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Zooeypalooza 11!

And the letters keep coming in: “Where the hell is the Zooeypalooza?”

Right here:

Zooeypalooza 11!

Clickage, you may rest assured, bringeth embiggenment.

Previous Paloozas: ZP 1, ZP 2, ZP 3, ZP 4, ZP 5, ZP 6, ZP 7, ZP 8, ZP 9, ZP 10.

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This should get a rise out of someone

Sexist church sign

To quote Adrienne Gusoff: “Any woman who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.”

Different level of Buncombe, perhaps?

(Via FAIL Blog.)

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Meanwhile at the House of Duh

I suppose it takes the Boston Globe — which is, after all, owned by The New York Times Company — to consider this revelation newsworthy:

There are signs that hoarders have been busy. Sales of standard incandescent bulbs are up by 10 to 20 percent over a year ago at The Home Depot, according to the chain’s chief bulb buyer. A 2010 survey by Osram Sylvania, the Danvers-based light bulb maker, found that 13 percent of consumers plan to stockpile. At Lucia Lighting & Design in Lynn, some customers are trying to figure out how many incandescents constitute a lifetime supply.

As Glenn Reynolds would say, “There’s still time to stock up!”

Disclosure: I had a CFL fail Wednesday night after eighteen months of presumably-faithful service. An identical fixture four feet away has a Real Bulb (60-watt), now six years old. Subtract the cost of the CFL from the cost of the extra energy used by proper lighting, and I have enough to pay for the gas to drive to the city’s hazmat-disposal unit. (What, you think they allow these things on the bus?)

Bonus excellent Fark blurb: “The most effective government stimulus yet — hoarders have increased sales of incandescent light bulbs by 20%”. Yep.

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