Whatever the hell this is

I’m not entirely sure I want to check the label, if you know what I mean:

Vegetarian ham, or so it says

But the coup de grace, of course, is “Chicken Flavour.” Wait, what?

Said the woman from whom I poached this pic: “I should send this to the vegan that didn’t want to go out with me just to mess with him.”

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From the As If files

This character has big dreams and, one suspects, no way to make them come true:

What type of Web hosting plan would be good for a site that gets 100k visitors a day. Would a shared hosting plan be able to handle this much traffic or vpn or cloud hosting? Not very tech savvy, thank you.

A guy who evidently has never had a site of his own before expects a hundred thousand visitors a day. This is like trying to run HuffPo off Weebly.

I imagine the surfer dudes who host this site would gently, and then not so gently, suggest I move up from the $10-a-month plan if I started getting 100k visitors a day. (The most I’ve ever had on a single day was 13,636, on 12 May 2009, and at least 11,000 of those came from Instapundit.)

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The essence of true romance

I’m no expert on romance, but I figure this is the antithesis thereof:

Donald Fagen, singer for the 1970s rock band Steely Dan, was arrested at his home in New York Monday evening after getting into a fracas with his wife, Libby Titus.

“During a verbal dispute, [Fagen] grabbed the victim by arm and forcibly and recklessly pushed her, causing her to fall towards the bottom edge of a window frame that caused a lump and bruise to her right arm,” a NYPD spokesperson confirmed to USA TODAY.

I attempted to make a hashtag out of this, with no success.

Apparently Titus will be seeking a divorce, which if granted should deprive Fagen of opportunities to do it again.

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Upgrade or die

This is the last week for Microsoft Internet Explorer 8, 9, and 10:

Microsoft is ending support for Internet Explorer 8, 9, and 10 next week on January 12th, releasing a final patch encouraging users to upgrade to one of the company’s more recent browsers. The end of support means that these older versions of Internet Explorer will no longer receive security updates or technical support, making anyone who uses them much more vulnerable to hackers. A recently-announced patch will deliver the last few bug fixes, as well as an “End of Life” notification telling users to upgrade to IE 11 or Microsoft Edge — the company’s successor to Internet Explorer, built for Windows 10.

When I heard about this, well, you can imagine my response:

NetMarketShare reports for December that version 11 now dominates among IE users, with 25 percent of the total browser market. Curiously, IE 8 is next (just under 9 percent), followed by 9 and 10 — but 6 and 7 still show fractions of a percent.

My own stats package reveals similar numbers, plus one startling statistic: out of 3496 IE connections in the last ten weeks, two were through version five, which Microsoft is supposed to have killed off at least a decade ago.

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You’ve got (entirely too much) mail

I don’t do Gmail, but I figure any client for any email provider can do this to you:

I’m looking at my G-mail. I have over 10,000 messages there. Why? Because I thought maybe I should save one, and yes, maybe I should save that one too, and pretty soon I was saving everything and now I’ve got 10,000 messages. Theoretically, there might be some important information in there somewhere, and occasionally I have managed to retrieve some useful bit, but is it worth carrying all this baggage around for that one, possibly useful, bit of information that I dredge up every six months or so? If I was having to pay for this storage, no it wouldn’t. But I am willing to carry the mental load of thinking there are useful things stored safely away in this pile of verbiage. So now I am thinking that maybe I should just delete everything and start over.

I threw away around 8000 messages at the end of the year. I still seem to have, um, 41,287 in the archive. Then again, the archive goes back to 1997. And spam is not a consideration in this count: except for items mocked in this space, spam is deleted more or less upon receipt.

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To the pink sheets with you

About eight years ago, SandRidge Energy (then NYSE: SD) was trading at the sixty-dollar level. Today, it doesn’t bring sixty cents, and the New York Stock Exchange has responded in its own inimitable manner:

The New York Stock Exchange on Wednesday removed SandRidge Energy Inc. from trading Wednesday, citing “abnormally low” stock prices.

Shares of the Oklahoma City-based oil and natural gas company dropped 2 cents, or nearly 12 percent, to 15 cents a share Wednesday before the notice was issued.

“The prolonged depression of commodity prices have caused nearly all companies in our industry to suffer material degradation in value,” SandRidge said in a statement Wednesday.

“While the delisting of our stock from the NYSE is certainly not an outcome we desired, it’s important to note that this action does not affect our day-to-day operations. SandRidge continues to have ample liquidity, and we remain focused on navigating the current commodity downturn and extending our capabilities, including developing our recently acquired Niobrara assets. We expect SandRidge shares to begin trading over the counter tomorrow.”

Personally, I think it’s karma:

SandRidge Energy Inc. has refused to follow a directive to shut down six wastewater disposal wells in northwest Oklahoma after a string of earthquakes in the area, testing the industry’s so-far voluntary cooperation with state regulators on the issue.

The Oklahoma Corporation Commission directed SandRidge and several other operators to shut down injection wells or reduce wastewater volumes near the Alfalfa County town of Byron earlier this month after several earthquakes.

Maybe their liquidity isn’t as ample as they’re saying?

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You should be so lucky

Potential for disillusionment: high. In fact, make that very high:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I start learning programming at the age of 19, when will I become rich?

He thinks he has a plan:

I will be attending UCR next year after I transfer from the community college I am currently attending. I plan on graduating and having my bachelor’s degree by the age of 23. If I work on the courses counted towards my computer science degree and study other programming languages online through sites like W3Schools.com. What will I be capable of? Could I make an app and become rich before or at the time I turn 30?

Wait until he finds out that “rich,” in programmerspeak, means “not living on cat food.”

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Do not feed the Grizzlies

The first clue that this wouldn’t be a classic Grizzlies/Thunder grindout came before the game, when Memphis point guard Mike Conley was scratched: something about his Achilles’ tendon. Dave Joerger, ever-resourceful, moved Courtney Lee from shooting guard to the point, and installed Tony Allen at the two. At about the same time came the second clue: Kevin Durant would be back after missing only a single game with Peripheral Toe Jam. (I’m not up on all this injury lingo.) The Griz were able to set their preferred pace, which may be characterized as “slow and deliberate,” for about half the first quarter, whereupon the Thunder started trying to speed things up. It was 25-16 after the first, 56-36 at the half, and Courtney Lee was lost in the third. With the Thunder up 18 at the end of the third, Billy Donovan decided to let the reserves fight the rest of the way; he recanted six minutes later as the Griz started to make some headway. Three minutes later, order was restored, and the Grizzlies were ultimately dispatched, 112-94.

It wasn’t that the Griz were terrible, exactly, but the matchups didn’t match so well, and, well, they have the likes of Vince Carter, who fought in the French and Indian War, a good soldier gradually fading away. Still, sixth man Mario Chalmers, who always plays OKC tough, did it again, coming up with 23 points, though he wound up playing over 38 minutes. Meanwhile, “Is Kevin really back?” Yes, he was; KD had a slowish start, but he wound up with 26 points and a startling 17 rebounds, one short of a career high. Russell Westbrook added 20, because that’s what he does, and the bench came up with 50 points, something they’d love to do more often.

This is the last meeting with Memphis this season. (Playoffs? Who can tell at this point?) OKC wins that series 2-1. The Thunder will be on the road Friday through Tuesday, taking on the Lakers, the Trail Blazers, and the Timberwolves; Wednesday they’re back at the ‘Peake, where the Mavs will be waiting.

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It’s better for the bearings

That’s the story, and they’re sticking to it:

Gluten-Free Mufflers at Mighty Auto

So far as I can tell, this is in Halifax, which proves — well, nothing, really.

(From reddit via Miss Cellania.)

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All about that platinum

Title by Meghan TrainorMeghan Trainor’s Title album has now moved a million:

Nearly a year after its release, Meghan Trainor’s album Title has surpassed 1 million copies sold. The singer’s debut full-length set, released Jan. 13, 2015 on Epic Records, sold another 14,000 in the week ending Dec. 31, raising its total sales to 1.007 million, according to Nielsen Music.

Thanks in part to its string of hit singles, Title has remained in the top 30 of the weekly Billboard 200 chart since its debut at No. 1 on the Jan. 31, 2015-dated list. This week (on the chart dated Jan. 16), it rises 22-19 (34,000 equivalent album units; down 13 percent).

That number-one debut displaced — wouldn’t you know it? — Taylor Swift’s 1989. And apart from those four hit singles, Title’s, um, title track, titled “Title,” reached the bottom of the chart purely on the strength of 32,000 downloads.

(If anyone cares, and there’s no reason why you should, I got mine on the 12th of February.)

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Advice to the autobiographer

Paris Berelc, last (un)seen in Disney’s Invisible Sister, tweeted this last night:

It’s not original snark by any means, but it’s worth spreading around.

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This might be stretching it a bit

Lynn looks inside Spanx and finds a silver lining of sorts:

In 2010, an Oklahoma woman wore Spanx over her head while she robbed a McDonald’s. Oh that is so Oklahoma. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed. Robbery is definitely not cool but it goes to show that we could come up with better uses for Spanx. It could be up there with duct tape and WD-40 in the Stuff With 1001 Uses category.

I dunno if you could come up with a thousand and one, but even just one — other than “medieval torture device,” that is — might be worth the effort.

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Three could be a crowd

The National Football League announced Monday:

Three teams — the Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams, and San Diego Chargers — each submitted applications to our office today to relocate their franchises to the Los Angeles area beginning with the 2016 season. Each team submitted the appropriate documentation in support of its application as required by the NFL Policy and Procedures for Proposed Franchise Relocations.

The applications will be reviewed this week by league staff and three league committees that will meet in New York on Wednesday and Thursday — the Los Angeles Opportunities, Stadium, and Finance committees. The applications will be presented for consideration at next week’s league meeting in Houston on Tuesday and Wednesday. The relocation of a franchise requires the affirmative vote of three-quarters of the NFL clubs (24 of 32).

In other news, the NFL has a Los Angeles Opportunities committee.

The amusing aspect of this, of course, is that all three of those teams used to be in Los Angeles, though the Chargers were there for only a single season (1960, and they were still in the AFL then). I doubt all three of them will move, but what about two? Hey, it sort of works in New York.

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Several-buck chuck

I had no idea woodchucks actually could chuck wood. But for certain values of “chuck,” the amount of wood is now known, unless of course it isn’t:

[P.A.] Paskevich and [T.B.] Shea used the word “chuck” to mean “chew” and gathered up 12 woodchucks and deprived them of food to make sure the would be chewed.

The woodchucks were then given a 2×4 plank of wood and recorded (once again, “recorded”) how much they chewed/ate.

According to the “study”, the animals were pretty hungry and ate/chewed at a rate of 361.9237001 cubic centimetres per animal per day.

To give you some idea of what that actually means, that’s just over the size of a can of Coke (330ml is equivalent to 330 cubic centimetres).

Assuming that “chuck” is not equivalent to “chew” — I dunno, last cut of chuck I had was pretty damned chewy — we have this:

In another “experiment” of estimating and guessing in science, a wildlife biologist at New York’s Cornell University worked out that it was around 700 pounds (though no timing was given on how long that would take).

The biologist measured how large an average burrow of a woodchuck is and gave a guess that, if the hole was filled with wood (rather than dirt), the woodchuck would have to have chucked around 700 pounds (318kg) of wood.

That’s some serious chuckage.

(Via Fark, with the following note: “Next, will tackle if Peter Piper really picked a peck of pickled peppers.”)

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The obvious goes ungrasped

No other explanation makes any sense:

The whole point of fanfiction is to infringe on the intellectual-property rights of people who can’t see that this is the One True Pairing. Maybe they’re a Second Party rather than a Third.

Time for this again:

The Shipping Department is taking notes.

(Via @SpinsterAndCat.)

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Spontaneous-combustion engine

Consumer Reports, it appears, is trying its best to sound a bit less Consumer Reports-y. From a February review of the new Volkswagen Jetta with the 1.4-liter turbo four:

Since its 2011 redesign, the Jetta sedan has offered more engines than Spinal Tap had drummers.

This will not encourage people who question VW’s overall reliability, if you know what I mean.

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