Sez the bot

Received in the comment-spam trap:

Hello admin, i see your page needs fresh articles. If you are too lazy to write unique posts everyday you should search in google for: [name redacted] Essential Tool

Followed thirty seconds later by:

Hello admin, i see your page needs fresh articles. If you are too lazy to write unique posts everyday you should search in google for: [name redacted] Essential Tool

Dear spammer, I see your output is dull and repetitive. If you are too lazy to write unique commercial pitches every day you should fold yourself at a ninety-degree angle and kiss your ass goodbye.

Comments (2)

Toss up some more word salad

This item came into the spam trap yesterday, and it came this close to making some sort of sense:

One of the nice things about Trash the Dress photography shoots is that most shoots are done outdoors, allowing the natural light to become another element in the photo shoot. Scientists believe that if nothing is done to stop global warming, by the year 2100 the earth’s temperature will increase by 3.

Tax Assistance by your leading governance in addition to the company-pilot provinces but cities bankruptcy responsibility. A bright scarf or jacket in a color that looks good on you can be worn with a white dress. That means having at least a jean jacket and a cotton one available. Full sleeves, narrow sleeves, sleeveless styles have come and gone and come again. In the study, the researchers had a number of women from two groups, the frequent high heel wearer and the women that typically steered clear of the dangerous footwear.

Later, more stuff of this sort came in, linking to the same 404ed Web site. If nothing else, this indicates that you can teach a bot only so much.


This is their jam

Who will rid us of these bothersome spammers? Lynn proposes a technological solution:

Someone once said that spammers should be crucified alongside the Interstates. Honestly, I don’t want to live in a society that crucifies people but a little part of me thinks that this would not be too harsh a punishment for spammers. And you can put trolls right there with them. Anyone whose behavior makes it necessary to restrict free and open communication. You know what we really need is some kind of device that these people could be sentenced to wear — like a type of ankle bracelet — that would automatically shut down any electronic device when they came within, say, three feet of it. If this sounds like too humane a punishment just imagine for a minute never being able to use a computer or smartphone again. Hey, all of you clever inventor folk, get on that will you?

“Someone,” in case you’d forgotten, was Eric Scheie of Classical Values, circa 2003.

And I hate like hell to say so, but there are nimrods out there who would willingly saw off a limb or two in order to perpetuate their perversity.

Comments (3)

Spamming with faint praise

This badly tossed word salad showed up in the comment receptacle Sunday bearing a highly dubious Berkeley URL:

What i don’t understood is if truth be told how you’re no longer really much more neatly-favored than you may be right now. You are so intelligent. You know thus significantly with regards to this topic, produced me in my view imagine it from so many numerous angles. Its like men and women aren’t interested unless it is one thing to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your own stuffs excellent. All the time maintain it up!

Neatly favored as I am, I wish I could claim to be stuffing excellently, but maintaining it up is harder than it used to be.

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A bug in one’s word salad

Received in the comment-spam trap:

The umpire called after him, “Hey son, you have another strike left. It can be a bit tricky to apply, but once on there will offer superb protection as well as taking nothing away from the phone’s looks. You’ll have to go with your gut feeling on this one. We have polyester petticoats to support the various dress styles; including hoop petticoats. It is important to know what the evening may entail when determining how to dress. Get that coveted Cinderella princess costume along with the princess costumes adult. This article and photos are not available to repost on websites, blogs, Facebook, or elsewhere.

Well, thank heaven for that. I was worried about having to read this paragraph over again.

Oh, they did send a link, which promptly 404ed.


Soke that beak!

Some more inscrutable stuff from the spam trap:

The smoker can choose hhis flavor andd enjoy smoking until thee cartridge runs out of e-liquid. The International Civil Aviation Organization, aan agency oof the United Nations, has issued a similar warning, according to a Jan. E cigarette smokers are able to take soke beaks and return to work without tthe evidence on their shirts.

For no reason I can think of, this was intended for a Rule 5 item about a Turkish actress.

Still, few words go as well with “United Nations” as oof.

Comments (1)

Sub-mechanical Turks

So this pops into the spam bin:

çok yakında sizlerle olmayı umut ediyoruz

It’s not often I get spam in Turkish. The URL being hawked is some security company, and God knows we get lots of spam from security companies of late, speaking all manner of languages, some of which vaguely resemble English. And this Turkish phrase translates as “We hope to be with you very soon” — maybe; since that was the whole of the message, I have no idea what the context would be except for the obvious one, which is “Try our service.”

Note: I have never claimed to be actually fluent in Turkish; historically, I admit to knowing no more than how to count to ten, and how to ask “Where is the toilet?”


From the “Yeah, right” files

This, ostensibly from one “Mike Kellogg,” landed in the spam trap last night:

Hi admin, i see your page needs fresh posts. Daily updates will rank your page in google higher, content is king nowadays. If you are to lazy to write unique articles everyday you should search in google for: [name redacted because why should I give you publicity, you grit-eating, scum-sucking, pencil-neck geek?].

Content may be king, “Mike,” but you don’t know jack. I’ve done more daily updates than you’ve had hot meals.

Comments (5)

Hairier spam than usual

This popped up in the spam trap at the place where I work up my pony tales:

One idea is the fact an alteration with the gene might lead to an amino acid alteration of the TCCH protein which influences how straight or how tresses will appear to be. A number of helpful friends are essential to acquire the various for an upgrade. What was added towards the game caused it to be very enjoyable to learn, and gave additional items to suit your needs to have a great time backyard parties, which has been lacking prior to the addition of these things pack. The reason being these days what a lot of people do is follow trends blindly therefore get the latest trending in-fashion hair-styles and cuts that won’t suit them at all.

So, you really like her mane?


Thieves vying for honor points

Received in the spam trap yesterday afternoon:

Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any suggestions?

This might have carried more weight had the “author” been identified as something other than “buy litecoin With credit card no verification.”


Focused attack

Usually comment spam is just slopped onto the place without any particular regard to where it may land. Which concerns me when it isn’t:

Spam screenshot

I mean, really, what did McGehee do to deserve this?

Comments (2)

Meanwhile across the hall

Received at another site I run:

This motor is a blower that pulls fresh air from the outdoors, through the heat chamber and back out to the outdoors. 2) A mockingbird has limitless songs, and no two mockingbirds sound alike. To me, that is what spring maintenance is all about.

If there’s a lesson here, it’s this: don’t put the exhaust vent next to a bird’s nest.

Comments off

Monetizing the egregiousness

Lynn has an idea for dealing with comment spam, and like most such ideas, it springs from frustration:

Comment spam has been really horrendous lately. I used to get, usually, no more than 20 a day. Since last Saturday it’s been 300 – 500 a day! The first time comment moderation is stopping it all but I still have to take the time to delete all of them.

That certainly qualifies as “horrendous.” (I’ve had just over 600 this month. Then again, I have several thousand IPs blocked on general principle.)

Someone once said that spammers should be crucified alongside the highways. Right now that seems like a pretty good idea.

That someone was Eric Scheie of Classical Values, about 11 years ago. The original post has vanished from Blogspot, as posts will sometimes do, but I excerpted the money quote here.

But then I think, why litter the countryside with so much garbage. Let’s just publish their real names and addresses. But then I think, no I have a better idea. Let’s make them pay. Literally. Someone needs to come up with a system to automatically charge spammers by the minute, with the proceeds going to the website owner, minus a small percentage to maintain the system. Five cents for each minute until the spam comment is deleted, even if it is held in the moderation queue for that time. I would be wealthy!

Hmmm. If this ever comes to pass, I’m going to have to unblock several thousand IPs on general principle.

Note: The wp-ban plugin, used here, has turned away approximately 530,000 attempts to dump stuff here before it ever gets to Akismet, which has rejected 36,000 on its own. It is not infallible — no software is — but I’m not getting 300-500 spams a day either.

Comments (2)

I’ll consider myself peered

I don’t know if this was translated from Urdu into Dutch, or what, but it showed up in the spam bucket last night:

I am really impressrd wit your writing tzlents as wekl as
witth thee strudture onn your weblog. Is this a paid subject orr did you mdify
it yiur self? Either way stay up the nice quality writing, itt
is uncommon to peer a niice bog like this one

A niice bog indeed.

Comments (8)

Must be the drugs

This bit of weirdness was submitted to another site I run — strangely, or maybe appropriately, to a post called “Unconscious hilarity”, which was about, you guessed it, comment spam.

I can only affirm three answers, (2, 6, 8) and with serious qualifications on #2 (if it weren’t for my wife and sons I would have no pets).

Christopher Street West, Town of West Hollywood, spouse organizations, supporters and sponsors all contribute to support and celebrate the June 28, 1969 anniversary of the Stonewall Rebellion in Ny.

An important aspect of buying real estate is feeling at ease with the professional who’s helping you.

The intended link was to a site named for a diet pill; methinks the bots have had too much exposure to drug-addled humanoids.

Comments off

Semi-useful household advice

I’m not sure why this was stuck onto a My Little Pony-related post, but what the heck:

Watch for chewing, especially around items such as electric cords. Ferrets are also prone to certain illnesses — and injuries — and may also require emergency services. Don’t make any sudden movements as you don’t want your boa constrictor to bite you as boas are sensitive to humans and can easily feel threatened.

And sometimes they’re hungry.

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The wonderfulness of me

Roberta X used to have a category called “the wonderfulness of me,” and the name was intended, I believe, neither as irony nor as humblebrag: it was simply handy. It’s not a term I’d use myself, though: my own shtick calls for somewhere below Whitmanian celebrations of myself but at least slightly above “wayward guttersnipe.”

From some gutter in a 107 IP comes this attempt to butter me up:

I’ve been browsing on-line more than 3 hours lately, yet I never found any fascinating article like yours. It is beautiful price enough for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made excellent content as you probably did, the internet will probably be a lot more helpful than ever before.

I dunno how excellent the content is around here, but there certainly is a lot of it. And there’s a reason for that, for which I turn to Gagdad Bob:

“Only the unexpected fully satisfies. Nothing that satisfies our expectations fulfills our hopes.” This is why I so enjoy this medium of expression. If someone were to offer me money to write a commentary on Don Colacho’s Aphorisms, I would be miserable. Blogging is only fulfilling — and it is, very — because there is absolutely No Plan. Every morning, I can’t wait to wake up and accomplish nothing, only maybe a little more deeply this time!

Says it all, or at least rather a lot of it, as I probably did.

Comments (1)

Dried-up spring

Some minor objections to the text here, from some bogus individual identified as “Lourdes” (!) linking back to some questionable Facebook profile:

The very heart of your writing while apipraeng reasonable at first, did not settle perfectly with me after some time. Somewhere throughout the sentences you actually managed to make me a believer but only for a while. I still have a problem with your leaps in logic and one might do well to help fill in those breaks. In the event that you can accomplish that, I will undoubtedly end up being fascinated.

I’m guessing that “praeng” is the name of the API that produced this boilerplate, because no actual human with any knowledge of the language would spell “appearing” that way.

IP is Feel free to ban it, because nothing useful is ever going to come from there.

Update: The next spammer was kinder:

What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious experience concerning unexpected emotions.

Exactly the kind of preserveness I’d like to preserve.

Comments off

Clutch this, pal

This item dropped into the spam trap late Friday night:

I’ll immediately clutch your rss as I can’t to find your e-mail subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you have any? Kindly let me understand so that I may subscribe. Thanks.

No, she doesn’t find my ideas intriguing; the link she gave me goes to some place where you can buy Instagram followers.

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Writerly speaking

All four of these came in within 45 minutes of one another, all bearing the same email address, all linking to a Wikipedia page in Finnish, and each with a different IP address. Still, they make a sort of coherent query, so let’s have a look:

What are some good wordpress themes/plugins that allow you to manipulate design?

If you know what you’re doing, you can manipulate the design just by editing your existing theme. Of course, you can do that if you don’t know what you’re doing, but the results are likely to be suboptimal.

I’m an aspiring writer — of all literary trades (journalism, screen writing, satire, etc) — but I want to start a blog for some adult oriented, romantic fantasy literature. Anyone know how I can start a blog that will allow me to do this? I believe I’ll need a warning page before entrance, and I want it to come up on search engines…

Any old blog platform can do this; setting a splash page — if you’re on Blogger, Google will probably inflict one upon you — is fairly easy.

If I publish my articles to my school paper are they copyrighted or do I have any ownership over them?

I don’t think school-paper stuff counts as “work for hire,” though I hasten to add that I am not any kind of lawyer, copyright or otherwise.

What are good blog posts for a writer who wants to start a blog that even non-readers might want to visit?

If they’re truly “non-readers,” you might consider a photoblog.

There were further items in the series, but by that point it was starting to get repetitive.

Comments (3)