Your attention, please

This is what happens in its absence:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Incorrect and Misleading information on Car Finance documentation?

Well, let’s see:

I took a secrured [sic] car loan in Jan 2013 for a MINI Cooper S Turbo. This is the car on the finance documentation. I have realised since that I have actually got a base model MINI Cooper. The signed loan docs are wrong. Where do I stand legally? I was lied to at the dealership by both the Vehicle and Finance sales people into thinking I have the MINI COOPER S TURBO. Will I be entitled to a refund of the money paid so far?

It took you two fricking years to discover you didn’t have the turbo? It’s a darn good thing you’re in Jolly Old, Dickie-boy, because you’d be laughed out of an American court with a tall tale like that.

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Creaking track

Yoast, producers of commerce-oriented WordPress products, have issued their first three WP themes, none of which have sliders — because sliders suck:

Seriously, whatever makes people think that having stuff move on your website is ever a good idea is still beyond me. You can create awesome collages through which people can browse at will. The pictures won’t be forced onto them (if they even notice them in the first place), they’ll just notice the ones they like. And trust me, that will sell better.

This is, perhaps surprisingly, especially true for photoblogs:

Ok, so you’re a photographer. You should be allowed to use a slider, right? Wrong. People tend to act as if there’s no other way to show their images anymore but by sliders. This just isn’t true. If you couldn’t have a slider and you’re a photographer, would you just give up having a website altogether? Of course not, you would look for other options, such as the revolutionary idea of showing static pictures. If you want moving pictures, you should change careers and become a filmmaker.

That said, about 2-3 percent of recent questions on Programing & Design at Yahoo! Answers have to do with the implementation of sliders, usually in terms of how the questioner didn’t get them to work. This is approximately equal to the percentage of recent questions on Cars & Transportation asking about installing 20-, 22-, or even 24-inch wheels on workaday sedans, and the response is much the same: “You may like the looks of it, but believe it or not, nobody else will.”

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The quality of trollage is very strained

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why am I cursed?

Now what kind of horrible life experience is this individual having to endure?

It’s bad enough that I was born into a middle class family, and have an average size penis, but I never get what I want. I never get the pretty girl, or will be rich. I feel like all I do is fight for the scraps in life, like a *****-ing dog. Meanwhile people like Jay z is living my dreams. I want a hooker like Beyoncé or a model like Tom Brady’s wife. I want riches and power, and a large penis. Why must God bless some and leave the rest of us out in the cold looking through the windows of the rich. I held my phone up to the sky and said God let my phone ring with some good news and nothing happened.

This is why it’s a good thing I’m not God: I’d have hit the sorry bastard with a lightning bolt.

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Everyman speaks

And this is what he says:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to get REAL and ACTIVE Instagram followers?

Before you suggest a method, though, he wants to make this clear:

is there a way to get real n active followers without following other people and for free?!?! I want to get a lot of followers without doing much work and without paying. any ways?

The scary part, of course, is that eventually he’ll be old enough to vote.

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Rent-a-jihadi

After the utterly asinine suggestion by an administration spokesdoofus that if there were more jobs, there’d be fewer jihadi, I suppose I should have expected this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:<br />
Why don't ISIS have a HR department or email address where you can upload your CV?

Still, give the questioner credit for keeping his wits about him:

… seems a longshot just to travel thousands of miles on the off chance they will employ you as a murderous rogue when they could conduct a perfectly good Skype interview.

Then again, truth be told, we don’t really know how selective they are.

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Maybe you shouldn’t ask

Bark M. doesn’t have time to waste on stuff like Yahoo! Answers’ Cars & Transportation section, but he knows precisely what sort of questions are posed therein, because he gets hit with them himself, and they all boil down to this:

“Can you use your years of knowledge, experience, and expertise to give me an answer to a wildly uneducated, unrealistic, and ill-informed question that I will then entirely ignore and do what I wanted to do in the first place?”

Further, Bark reports that exactly one person, out of hundreds, has actually followed his advice. This is, I suspect, one better than I’ve done.

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But no commute

Oh, my, here’s another appeal to one’s kindness gullibility:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: My mother and I need a new car, but can't afford one. How do we get a new car on a tight budget? (We don't trust used ones.)

Perhaps this may have occurred to you:

If so, be assured that they find your lack of sympathy disturbing:

My mother and I have health problems that make it hard to fulfill any commitments to a boss.

We’ve had people like that before. They didn’t stay long, for obvious reasons. And the bus stops right in front of the office, too.

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This much, and no more

What the hell kind of deal is this?

I live in a town where there is a “cap” on Internet users. The limit was reached about 6 yrs ago and unless someone cancels there’s you can’t get it. There’s a long list of people waiting, hundreds, so I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it. Some of my neighbors have it and have agreed to split the bill and share it. There is about 200ft of thick pine trees between all houses. What are my options here? Dish Internet is a joke so please don’t recommend that. I know sharing the Internet is frowned upon but it’s 2015 and the Internet service providers are dragging their feet.

Yeah, well, that’s what ISPs do.

Still, you have to figure that whoever negotiated this franchise deal for the municipality had to have been way out of his depth — or that the ISP is substantially less competent than average. Or maybe both.

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Folks, we got a live one

I just wonder if he’s ever seen Pete’s Dragon:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to intercept texts

If your immediate response is “Say what?” be assured that he “knows” what he’s talking about:

I’ve seen it in movies and I know it’s a real thing. I Really want to know how to intercept texts. I know you can download stuff online for it but I have a chrome book so I cant. My do have Linux though so does anyone know how to intercept texts from an iPhone. Please make it step by step

Emphasis added, though really it was hardly necessary.

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Welcome to karma

It was all I could do to keep from spewing BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! all over the answer box:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Downloaded the golf club off of piratebay.sx and it was a codex if thats any help but when i open the game it opens the steam store?

Thieves complaining about the merchandise they stole. Sheesh.

As we say in CL: CALL CURLIB/GALL *MITIGATE=NO.

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It’s all just metal

Bark M. has a chat with the co-owner of a used-car dealership, and this bit of pragmatism pops up:

He told me about a beautiful 2013 E350 Sport 4Matic that he sold to a customer, and how finally getting rid of that car was going to enable him to go buy TWO used trucks at auction that week. “Those things we can really make some money on,” he excitedly shared with me. “People are still afraid of car payments in this economy. It’s much easier for me to move a few used trucks that I can get people into $210-220 payments on than these high-end cars. Those cars have two kinds of customers — over-educated pricks who come in here and tell me how much I paid for the car and how they don’t think I should be allowed to make any money on them, and then the people who don’t have any ability to actually pay for them.”

I certainly wouldn’t mind a 2013 E350 Sport 4Matic, but while I might be able to afford it (maybe), I’m not going in with the idea of intimidating dealer staff: they know more angles than I possibly can, and I pride myself on not being an overeducated prick.

Still, car payments, in many cases, are indeed something to be feared. There’s at least one person almost every single day on Yahoo! Answers who just bought a car in the last couple of months and is now, in that innocuous British phrase, being “made redundant”; invariably he wants to know if he can take it back to the dealership, the way he’d return a low-end power tool to Walmart. (No, he can’t.)

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Teenage dream marked for dashing

There’s one in every crowd:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to get enough money for a lamborghini 3 years?

Well, that depends on your earning potential, and whether you can come up with $70-100k a year for the next three years, and … wait, what?

Ok I’m 14 and my dream car is a Lamborghini. How can I get enough money for a Lamborghini in 3-4 years. Thank you so much.

Fourteen?

Estimated lifespan of a teenager whose first car is a Lamborghini: 30 minutes/60 miles, whichever comes first.

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If you see this person, block him

He’s the one asking questions like this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why is Twitter saying this?

And by “this,” he means this:

I literally just went to log in my Twitter account. When I logged in it said:

“Something is technically wrong.

Thanks for noticing — we’re going to fix it up and have things back to normal soon.”

Why is it saying that?

Because something was technically wrong.

I guess he was afraid to take it, um, literally.

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A soap opera in the making

The story here is very likely hilarious, in a contempt-for-the-deluded sort of way:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is there anywhere I can get a fake name change certificate?

Not enough backstory:

I need to get back on to Facebook. I either need a fake name change certificate, fake number, or fake marriage certificate. I only need it because I have no ID.

If at any time you thought you had the worst life ever, here’s the only counterexample you’ll ever need.

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Warmth vs. intercoolers

This guy thinks he has a dilemma:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I have to buy a sports or super car like Maseratis, Porsches, Ferraris or Lamborghinis, should I sacrifice dating/marriage?

He goes on:

I’ve always wanted a nice european car and its been my dream for quite a while. I was told the car is financially cheaper than the woman. So if I wanted a nice super car like a Maserati GranTurismo MC Stradale, Porsche 911 Turbo S or a Audi R8 5.2 V10, maybe even a Lexus LFA. Should I sacrifice on women and children, get a good education and save as much as possible for 15 years before buying my dream car?

Not to worry. The process is automatic: once a woman finds out you’re more interested in a car than in her, she will scorch the pavement for a quarter-mile just to get away from you.

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This may not garner more dates

I do not understand this request in the slightest:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I find a surgical body modification artist?

And this is the modification he desires:

I would like to ask a body modification artist if it would be possible to remove my testicles and use my scrotum to create a vagina below my penis. If it is possible, I’d ask if they have a rough guess as to cost. Any help in finding either the answers or an artist would be appreciated.

Please don’t tell me to think about it or give me alternative. I’ve thought about this and alternative for years and still have more time to think about it. Please only reply with answers, thank you.

Construction of the item desired is not, I am given to understand, overly difficult, though usually persons undergoing the procedure are having all the previous hardware — the exterior bits, anyway — removed. Last year I helped to fund one such procedure; the patient had asked for $6000, which she said was the amount not covered by health insurance. (In other news, some insurance policies apparently cover this sort of thing.) A subsequent patient without such coverage said that the price was closer to twenty grand, and was asking for fifteen.

While I can deal with those folks, I’m having trouble with the concept of Hermaphrodite After The Fact. British wiseguy Will Self wrote a couple of stories on the subject, neither of which could be said to end particularly happily. For now, I am working under the assumption that somebody told the questioner to go screw himself, and instead of taking umbrage he decided to fantasize about it.

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A couple of grand

Which is kinder than the more obvious answer:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Whats the difference between a 4 CYL AND A 6 CYL?

It’s just a darn shame that Volkswagen quit sending us five-cylinder cars.

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Get this guy into a covered wagon

And then sew up the cover so he can’t escape easily:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does an impala 2011 need a lift kit for 24s?

He compounds the atrocity:

24 inch rims on my 2011 impala with no lift or cutting ? Is it possible

Now you know my particular bias: I think anyone who calls ‘em “rims” ought to be buried clavicle-deep in the Alaskan tundra. But one of the answerers dealt this guy a solid, good enough to pass along here:

No, it just needs a hefty dose of good taste and some common sense to realize that even if it could be done, DOING THAT IS RETARDED. Why on Earth would you RUIN the ride comfort, resale value, handling, durability, gas mileage, and acceleration??? Take the drug money you would have spent on the dum-dum wagon wheels and set fire to it so you’re not tempted.

I don’t think I could have said it better myself.

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Is this a trick question?

It’s certainly baffled this guy:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I hold three digits up, how many are not pointed up with all my digits? This is a security question for fishtanktv.com and I cant answer

For what it’s worth, I’m holding up one digit.

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How mechanics can afford boats

It’s not reasonable to expect a contemporary driver to be able to rebuild an automatic transmission. (I’ve written an actual FAQ covering two units, and I don’t think I could rebuild them.) Still, there is such a thing as Too Dumb To Drive:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If my break lights stay on when the car is off does that mean the battery is being used?

I’m tempted to tell her something like “No, it’s running off Wi-Fi,” and then wait for her to show up again with a complaint about how much batteries cost.

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