No place left to hide

The quality of exhibitionists has declined markedly of late:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Will the host see me on nude adult cams?

Here’s where it gets pitiful:

I don’t want the hosts on nude adult cams to see me during the private shows because I really can’t risk being recognized. Is there a way for me to remain hidden?

So: (a) gutless; (b) underage; (c) gutless and underage?

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Avoid this dude at all cost

Because he’s not paying attention to where he’s going:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What color is the wire coming from the radio in a 2013 GMC Sierra Denali for the parking brake bypass?

Why would anyone want to know this, you ask?

Trying to do a bypass so I can watch dvd while driving

Look around for a bridge abutment with a GMC nosepiece embedded about, oh, this deep.

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Laziness knows no bounds

Exhibit D-plus:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does turnitin.com check translation?

Further detail:

If I read an article in spanish and translate it to english will turnitin know that I copied it from the spanish article? Because I mean they’re not the exam same words because they’re in different languages but this technology **** is crazy so you never know idk

Based just on that paragraph, I think it’s safe to assume that just about any reasonably well-written passage in your paper will be challenged just for being reasonably well-written.

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Stuck in the sticks

From the “There must be something someone can do about this” files:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: ISP is charging a ridiculous amount for my internet what can I do?

My dad is paying $45/mo for 1 Mbps… Tier 2 speed is 2 Mbps at $49.99, tier 3 is 3 Mbps at 59.99, tier 5 is 5 Mbps at $135, and tier 6 is 6 Mbps at ******* $190.00!!!! I live in a rural area and this is pretty much the only ISP around. Is there anything I could do other than having to move or switch to satellite? Because this is so unfair, there should be laws against this. This is a monopoly so they have no reason to upgrade their infrastructure.

If there exists anywhere on earth an ISP that is undercharging, we’d certainly like to know about it.

In the meantime, if it’s truly a ridiculous amount, the least we can do is to ridicule it. (Fairness, of course, is not a factor, as it usually isn’t.)

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Regression to the meanest

We’ve all seen them: cars barely worth $500, thumping along with $1000 worth of audio equipment. It never occurs to us that the reverse could ever be true:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:

You have to figure that every dime he has is tied up in that S-Class. And the only generation of S-Class that had an S320 is the W220 series, roughly 1998 to 2006, so I’m betting he doesn’t have an AUX input or a USB port and is desperate for anything that will incorporate them but won’t actually break him. Given this example of Walmart pricing, though, I’d suggest he shop elsewhere.

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Desperate for attention

This is about two steps below clutching at straws:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it worth it to pay $6000 to get famous?

Why $6000, exactly?

I want to pay $6000 to Ark Music Factory (Just like what rebecca black did) so they can help me produce a song and release it on their channel and I will become famous. I am not very good at singing but I think this is a great way to become famous. However, my parents are poor and we are on food stamps but they will be willing to sacrifice everything for my music career.

Update: they will be willing to do it, even if they have to starve for a few days.

Not sure if trolling or simply out of touch with reality. I did point out that what happened to Rebecca Black will not necessarily happen for anyone else.

And anyone who’s on food stamps should know that six grand is more than a few days’ worth.

Addendum: Last I heard, Patrice Wilson, who produced “Friday,” was asking $6500 for his services.

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All about that guilt reflex

At least twice a day something like this comes up:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:<br />
Will my parents come to know about my net history from the MTS internet bill?

Oh, you poor, porn-obsessed adolescent!

Actually, they’ll probably figure it out the moment you come down with a malware infection from chasing down stuff you thought was “free.”

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Meanwhile on a cold and grey Chicago morn

Low — but not unprecedented — aspirations:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I become a drug dealer?

There is, of course, a motivation for this:

Im ******* sick and tired of being dirt poor, how do I sell drugs? IM NOT ASKING THIS FOR YOU TO TELL ME NOT TO, IM VERY AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF SELLING DRUGS. AND THIS IS MY ******* CHOICE. So please take your scared of the police and getting into trouble, BULLSHIT elsewhere, unless you have some USEFUL ******* advice for ****’s sake.

Hey, it’s your funeral, pal. Amateurs don’t stand a chance against the pros.

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Special snowflake alert

Once they start getting into “rights,” my eyes glaze over:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Do I have the right to play music out loud in my dorm?

Justification offered:

I like to play music out loud in my dorm,but my roomate say its annoying and noisy,and he want me to put on earphones.What i always play are my favorate songs, definitely not noise,and i always play them when he is not sleeping,how can that annoy him?Everyone knows listening music through earphones is bad for hearing ability,how dare he ask me to do that?

I think what he has done is a violation to my right! But he deny my right!

Evidently someone has denied him access to a Remedial English class.

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Watch that wallpaper

I suppose what I really want to know here is why this clod expects to have his phone seized:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: To the women if a guy has a naked woman as his phone background do you make him change it/r u offended enough to leave him?

Which naked woman, you ask?

I want to have Anna Nicole as my background but I fear the loss of a future gf if I start dating & she grabs my phone.

“Honey, she’s been dead for seven years!” will not help you in this case.

I admit to having once had a picture of Debbie Gibson as phone wallpaper, though she was not unclothed. (At least, not completely.) Never you mind what’s there now.

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A John Deere letter

I’m half hoping this is a trick question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does the new 22 horsepower engine on a john deere have as much power as the old 26 horsepower engine?

Perhaps what she wants to say is more like “Is the new line of John Deere implements with 22-hp engines up to the performance standards set by the old line with 26-hp engines?” She didn’t say that, though, so she’s basically earned a “Duh.”

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Brightness control

The Internet, says Bark M., has changed everything:

We used to think people who had vast memories and the ability to devour, and later recall, great bits of knowledge were “smart.” Who needs to do that anymore? Each one of us has a device with the entirety of the knowledge of mankind in our pockets at all time. And, largely because of this, everybody seems to have an opinion on everything, because it’s easy to do a Google search and instantly find out what your position on virtually anything should be. I can’t write a column on TTAC without commenters disputing everything I say, claiming to have all knowledge of all types of cars, despite the fact that they own a 2003 Altima and have never competed in any sort of autosport. The latest C&D review of the new Mustang GT was the best example I’ve seen of this recently — about halfway through the article, I already knew that the commenters would be screaming “45k FOR A RUSTANG LOL YA RITE.” None of them can afford a $45k car of any type, of course, but that doesn’t matter. The internet and social media have mistakenly made all of us think our opinions are equal and valid, when, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The Mustang will sell as fast as dealers can get them.

In my capacity as a person who supposedly easily once qualified as Smart v1.0, I have to admit to a growing level of complacency: if I don’t have The Answer, surely someone else out there has, and that should take the pressure off me. Opinions are still worth about as much as they always were — one of them and $7.99 will get you a combo meal for a limited time only at participating locations, tax not included — but the sheer quantity of them insures that no one is waiting with bated breath for mine.

In a lower-quality automotive environment, such as Yahoo! Answers, most of the loudmouth participants would be lucky to have a 2003 Altima; among the worst ones are the characters who are “temporarily” living at home, “paying no bills,” making $50-60k a year, and wanting to know how close they are to owning a Gallardo. I usually tell them that the reasonable upper limit of their aspirations is a ’99 Corolla. They resent the hell out of that; the only people who are consistently more hostile than this are the ones who can’t understand why they can’t have a Nissan Skyline, and the ones who go on for several paragraphs about how much this crapmobile they bought from a buy-here-pay-here dealer for only 200 percent of list keeps breaking down every other week, and demand to know “What are my rights?” (The answer to that, of course, is “If it breaks in half going down the road, you get to keep both halves.”)

And besides, we’re all smart. The Ed Biz says so:

Now, in modern schools, every kid is “smart.” They have something like seventy-four different types of “intelligence,” and all the kids are intelligent in some way — they even have “physical intelligence” for the kids who are athletically gifted. All the tests that we used to think determined some sort of intelligence are now deemed in some way or another to be “biased.” I used to endlessly mock my brother because I scored about 200 points higher than he did on the SAT (granted, I took it when I was 17 and he took it when he was 13 or something, but still). He claimed that they made the test easier in the eight years between our respective testing dates — now it’s not even up for debate. The college entrance exams are much, much easier than they used to be. I don’t even think they give IQ tests to kids now.

I mention this because (1) his brother reads this stuff occasionally and (2) my brother, the one who was four years younger than I and passed away in 2010, scored about 200 points lower than I did on the SAT. Then again, he was the grounded one; I was the neurotic. (And yet he’s gone, and somehow I’m still here.) And had he been turned loose on those nimrods on Y!A, or even the Best & Brightest at TTAC, he’d have torn them enough new ones to cause a worldwide gauze shortage, while I barely draw blood.

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64-bit ambition, two-bit laziness

Evidently this chap was hoping to be told that there would be no math:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Which computer major doesn't have Maths in it and makes a lot of money?

Five will get you ten that a year from now he’s doing WordPress installs for cheap.

Note: The original title of this was “The blind fashion designer says hi,” but as I was doing the draft save it occurred to me that, well, what if there is a blind fashion designer? And of course there is.

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Off to reform school with you

You may have heard the term “special snowflake” before. Here’s a particularly flaky example:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Parents won't buy me a nice car?

Speaking for the defense:

First, I am “spoiled” but if you’re going to comment that I am you’re wasting your time because believe me, I know I am.

Okay so I drive a 15 year old POS that doesn’t even start all the time. It’s a crappy Nissan SUV that’s in an ugly girly color. The inside is crappy and I feel embarrassed driving my gf or even my friends in there because it is so filthy. It’s almost disrespectful to my passengers and I try to clean it but you can’t get out decade old stains and smells. At my HS, kids drive NEW BMW 4 series coupes, Mercedes Benz, even Porsches I know 4 girls who drive 911s. Like everyone in my town, including my family, is very wealthy. We live in the wealthiest county in Florida. Kids get dropped off at school in Teslas, limos, and their nanny’s range rovers. And I don’t get why my parents can’t just buy me a 15k BMW!? Like my wrist watch is probably worth more than my car. It is so frustrating. My best friend drives a new Mercedes c250 and my other friend has a 2012 5 series. It is just annoying af and I feel self conscious because they have plenty of money to buy me a used car. That would be like your parents saying they don’t have $2 for a vending machine water when they obviously do. I have a job, but it’s an internship at a real estate office and there’s no way in hell I can afford a car making minimum wage. What should I do

This is how your parents got rich: not buying you crap.

Only one question left: does he run for Congress in ’26, or wait until ’28?

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Finally a use for Comic Sans

I admit, I wasn’t expecting this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:<br />
Whats they best text font and size for this letter?

What it’s all about:

im turning 18 and leaving a verbally abusive home in 9 days. ive thought of it for a while, saved up money, got new clothes and food. im leaving my parents house and the state and im writing them a letter explaining why im leaving, what caused it. that ill be with my boyfriend ive kept secret for 2 years and so on. i want them to know that im not “running away” but living my own life, my parents and i have different religious beliefs (they are southern baptist and im pagan) and im going off to be myself. i dont want it to sound too angry but i want them to understand ive been hurt (im a girl and once i forgot to brush my hair and got my head shaved etc)

Before you ask: yes, I’d have said the same thing were this a boy sending this sob story.

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Damn laws of physics

What in the world could this yahoo possibly have been thinking?

Yahoo! Answers screenshot: What suv has a tow capacity of 7000 lbs and gets good gas mileage?

This is right up there with “How much do I have to spend on a suit to win the heart of a supermodel?”

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Putting the “glob” in “global”

You almost certainly remember this from your childhood: “Now eat your [unpalatable food item]. There are children starving in [random Third World hellhole].”

The proper response, of course, is to point to the alleged food item and ask “Why don’t we send them this?”

This spirit, and I use the term loosely, still exists today:

Yahoo! Answers screenshot: Wasting Water™: Why does Lou Gehrig hate clean drinking water?

Followed by this bit of harangue:

Every bucket dumped over the head of some self important celebrity is one less bucket of clean drinkable water when 780 MILLION people lack access to clean water and 3.4 MILLION people die each year from a water related disease.

Which, in turn, is followed by an infographic that repeats the same numbers:

water use infographic

If you’ve missed the meme, here’s the explanation.

Now what’ll you bet this person’s lawn is freshly watered?

Mr Gehrig, of course, is long gone, and since he doesn’t have to listen to this sort of thing anymore, he has to consider himself the luckiest man off (or under, depending on your cosmology) the face of this earth.

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Advance information

The beatings will continue, it appears, until the equine is no longer deceased:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How many citizens have a problem of buying 'havinga new vehicle before the calendar year?

If that makes little sense, this won’t make much more:

I got this response that I didn’t expect from one of my other questions about model years. I think it is weird, but I still find it acceptable for cars because think if I wanted it to be strict, then it could mean that i would have less fun according to my guardian’s rules. Here is this response.

“Haven’t we had enough of this whinging about the discrepancy between model and calendar years? No one in the Real World has a problem with it.

“Role model: William Maxwell Gaines, founder of Mad magazine, who set it up with an 8-issues-per-year schedule that guaranteed that no issue was ever on sale during the month printed on its cover.”

I started to wonder who has a problem with it.

For school buses, I think a 2013 school bus was there in 2012 for school bus fleet reasoning like meeting emission standards for 2013 for this school bus.

I have a problem when transit buses often enter service before the calendar year (if there is no need to or no reason to) because fleet age is something very important.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that emissions standards are set by model year, not by calendar year, therefore his concerns are somewhere between misplaced and pathological. Moreover, it’s hard not to wonder about the nature of his, um, “guardian.”

And besides, I’ve obviously told the little peckerhead enough already.

Comments off




Lose that boy

Don’t wait for it to happen on its own, either:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: He's going to die, help?

Taste considerations require this go below the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Dream yon, autocorrupt

As more and more mobile users enter the fray, you’re going to see stuff like this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where is the speed control sensor for a 2000 Nassau maximum?

At least, I think he means “speed control sensor.”

Still: “Nassau”? Could this actually be the bitchin’ Camaro his folks drove up from the Bahamas?

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