Bimmer bummer

One practically guaranteed source of Schadenfreude is the nimrod who decides to pony up for an aged Teutonic sled without giving the slightest consideration to what it’s going to cost him to maintain it.

Which, in this particular case, is several times the purchase price:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I have a 2001 BMW 740I timing chain broke where can i get her fixed cheap real cheap?

Oh, it gets better:

At the end of April I paid $1500 for her 3 days later her timing chain snapped what am I to do

Fifteen hundred for a 7-series? The guy dumping it knew the engine was about to grenade, and, well, as George Hull once noted, buyers for old BMWs are born at the rate of sixty per hour.

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This guy’s shui is fenged

Or something:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I request a new SSN because I object to digits used?

Sorry, Bunkie, all of them use digits. And the Social Security Administration does not take requests: a reissued card will have the same number as the original.

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Ludicrous non-speed

I haven’t decided if this is fiendishly clever or utterly pitiful, so it’s up to you guys:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to REDUCE USB transfer speed Temporarily ?

Explanation for this query:

I want to reduce the USB transfer speed. I use windows 8.1 and I get a transfer speed of 17.5 MB per second through USB. I want to slow it down temporarily. Here is the Story for those who are curious, I met an awesome girl on a trip, we found out that we both are from the same city so she asked if i can take pics of her as she forgot her cam. So i took many pics of her which comes around 400 mb totally. Tomorrow she told me she would meet me to get those pics, I told her transferring pics would take an hour or so, I know it will get over in few min but this is like the only valid reason I have to meet her. So i just wanna slow down the transfer speed temporarily so I ll have little time to get to know her even better. Please help me guy. I dont wanna reduce it forever. I hate slow speed USB transfer. I just wanna make sure it takes at least 40 min. How to do it?

Note: The punctuation in the original was sufficiently random, in my judgment, to warrant some minor corrections.

The underlying assumption here is that The Girl won’t realize that he’s screwed around with the mechanism. I have a gut feeling that about six minutes into this scamlet, she’s going to ask why it’s taking so long, it never takes this long with her USB sticks.

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Clippings from the dystopiary

Things can’t possibly get any worse. Or can they?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What to do now that my soul is dead and I have abandoned all hope?

To elaborate:

I don’t know what to do now. The world has now gone completely insane and I’m literally counting down the days until I’m forced to attempt survival in a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

People are excruciatingly nasty and evil. Those who are not are a rare anomaly and very puny and useless.

All of my dreams are dead. There are no resources for the change that I’d like to make in the world. I have no partner and no children. There is no one that can make my heart soft again.

Day and night I drift deeper into hatred for the human race and for all of god’s failed creation.

Now what? Should I just get up and go to work again like a robot?

Based purely on my own experience, I’d say this sounds like a high-school student with no prom date. (Disclosure: I was once a high-school student with no prom date.) Anyone got any better ideas?

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Forged from the cheapest available bits

Bring on the asteroid, the planet is through:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I create a fake email conversation?

By that she means this:

My English teacher wasnt going to accept my project after a certain date and long story short, I fell asleep typing it and wasn’t able to turn it in that night. So the next day I woke up early and finished it, printed it off and turned it in and told her I tried to email it to her, but my internet wasn’t working so I had to print it. She told me for her to be able to put the grade in she would need to see proof I tried to send it that night, but I didn’t send it. How do I create a fake email to make it look like I sent my project on the specific date?

You’ll need a time machine, because otherwise the message headers will give you away. We’ve had customers at work who tried to pull that sort of stunt, and it never, ever succeeded.

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Chronological Klonopin

You think maybe he’s been doubling up the doses?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How early can i refill my clonazepam in west virginia?

I figure the guy’s having deep benzo reactions, inasmuch as (1) there seems to be a certain urgency to his query and (2) he posted it in the Cars & Transportation section.

For what it’s worth, my current pharmacy will not refill a Schedule IV drug on a 30-day prescription until day 25.

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No-wheel drive

The Topic That Never Goes Away comes around again:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is the Subaru XV Crosstrek a manly car?

And then he violates the First Rule of Holes (“quit digging”):

hey guys, i’m just a typical engineering student in college and ive been wanting to buy a car for some time, Ive thought of getting the Subaru XV since its loaded with tons of features like all wheel drive of course and nice rims lol.

Would this attract me hoards of girls as opposed to the Forester (lesbian stigma), what personality would you like I have if I drive one of these. Let me know, thanks :)

I know exactly one XV Crosstrek owner: a woman of rare beauty and prodigious talent. (And, of course, with a prior commitment.)

I note purely in passing that sniggering about Subarus and lesbians once got an automotive editor fired.

And it’s “hordes,” not “hoards,” though I suspect this “typical engineering student” will have his best chance with “whoreds.”

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Progress of a sort

One TTAC feature I’ve always liked is “Junkyard Find,” and the most recent resident of Rustic Estates is a 1993 Subaru Justy, by any reasonable reckoning a horrible crapmobile, but the standards for horrible crapmobiles are much higher these days:

[B]ad as the Justy 2WD was, it was a car. That meant that it beat the hell out of public transportation, and it meant that a working stiff could afford a shiny new commuter (with warranty) on a modest salary. I mention this because I’m still getting shit for having written that the ’14 Mitsubishi Mirage was perfectly tolerable by Miserable Econobox standards, while John Pearley Huffman believes it is worse than taking the bus (Jason Torchinsky, one of the only writers to agree with me that the Mirage wasn’t so bad, tore Mr. Huffman a new one over that). Terrible little entry-level econoboxes today are so much better than their counterparts 20 years ago that everybody who reviews one today should be forced to spend a week in a ’93 Justy prior to driving the new car.

I quote, for the sake of illustration, a Yahoo! Answers questioner:

Does anybody here have a Mitsubishi Mirage? A 2015 model? Is it nice, do you like it? Would you recommend it to someone?

Update: I no longer listen to Consumer Reports reviews on cars. The reason why is because they would make all kinds of nasty reviews of certain car models and I would ride or drive said cars after reading those reviews and I would just scratch my head wondering why CR disliked these cars so much. They were all excellent vehicles. I have also found that some cars that CR recommended I ended up not liking after I got to ride/drive them. The Mirage is an excellent choice for the States.

Perhaps the most reasonable answer given:

The Mirage is arguably the least-recommended vehicle of all the ’15s, though this is due more to obvious cheapness than to actual failures. If you can live with its limitations (noisy and slowish) it’s not an unreasonable choice at its bargain-basement price.

Something this moderate-sounding simply had to be downvoted, and of course it was.

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Your moment of crypto-Zen

Here we have a question that is not related to the supplemental material — and the supplemental material itself is utterly inscrutable:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: metal or fiberglass

It’s like this, or maybe it isn’t:

i want a older newer truck

No, you don’t. They’re pretty ugly, and they tend to be a little big for your needs.

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Making the tough choices

Such a dilemma:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What car should I get next?<br />
I currently own a Ford Focus and a sixth form student

I’d definitely trade off that student: they’ll never be worth more than they are right now.

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Double O RLY?

This kid apparently aspires to be a secret agent:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Have anyone heard of Michigan Teenage Secret Agency?

The details:

Their website … http://michiagntsa.webs.com/
So I want to become a spy. I meet all their criteria. But its 2 weeks now after I emailed them and haven’t gotten anything back. Does anyone knows how long it takes?

And you can tell they’re serious about this spy business, since they misspelled “Michigan” in the URL.

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Your attention, please

This is what happens in its absence:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Incorrect and Misleading information on Car Finance documentation?

Well, let’s see:

I took a secrured [sic] car loan in Jan 2013 for a MINI Cooper S Turbo. This is the car on the finance documentation. I have realised since that I have actually got a base model MINI Cooper. The signed loan docs are wrong. Where do I stand legally? I was lied to at the dealership by both the Vehicle and Finance sales people into thinking I have the MINI COOPER S TURBO. Will I be entitled to a refund of the money paid so far?

It took you two fricking years to discover you didn’t have the turbo? It’s a darn good thing you’re in Jolly Old, Dickie-boy, because you’d be laughed out of an American court with a tall tale like that.

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Creaking track

Yoast, producers of commerce-oriented WordPress products, have issued their first three WP themes, none of which have sliders — because sliders suck:

Seriously, whatever makes people think that having stuff move on your website is ever a good idea is still beyond me. You can create awesome collages through which people can browse at will. The pictures won’t be forced onto them (if they even notice them in the first place), they’ll just notice the ones they like. And trust me, that will sell better.

This is, perhaps surprisingly, especially true for photoblogs:

Ok, so you’re a photographer. You should be allowed to use a slider, right? Wrong. People tend to act as if there’s no other way to show their images anymore but by sliders. This just isn’t true. If you couldn’t have a slider and you’re a photographer, would you just give up having a website altogether? Of course not, you would look for other options, such as the revolutionary idea of showing static pictures. If you want moving pictures, you should change careers and become a filmmaker.

That said, about 2-3 percent of recent questions on Programing & Design at Yahoo! Answers have to do with the implementation of sliders, usually in terms of how the questioner didn’t get them to work. This is approximately equal to the percentage of recent questions on Cars & Transportation asking about installing 20-, 22-, or even 24-inch wheels on workaday sedans, and the response is much the same: “You may like the looks of it, but believe it or not, nobody else will.”

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The quality of trollage is very strained

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why am I cursed?

Now what kind of horrible life experience is this individual having to endure?

It’s bad enough that I was born into a middle class family, and have an average size penis, but I never get what I want. I never get the pretty girl, or will be rich. I feel like all I do is fight for the scraps in life, like a *****-ing dog. Meanwhile people like Jay z is living my dreams. I want a hooker like Beyoncé or a model like Tom Brady’s wife. I want riches and power, and a large penis. Why must God bless some and leave the rest of us out in the cold looking through the windows of the rich. I held my phone up to the sky and said God let my phone ring with some good news and nothing happened.

This is why it’s a good thing I’m not God: I’d have hit the sorry bastard with a lightning bolt.

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Everyman speaks

And this is what he says:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to get REAL and ACTIVE Instagram followers?

Before you suggest a method, though, he wants to make this clear:

is there a way to get real n active followers without following other people and for free?!?! I want to get a lot of followers without doing much work and without paying. any ways?

The scary part, of course, is that eventually he’ll be old enough to vote.

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Rent-a-jihadi

After the utterly asinine suggestion by an administration spokesdoofus that if there were more jobs, there’d be fewer jihadi, I suppose I should have expected this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:<br />
Why don't ISIS have a HR department or email address where you can upload your CV?

Still, give the questioner credit for keeping his wits about him:

… seems a longshot just to travel thousands of miles on the off chance they will employ you as a murderous rogue when they could conduct a perfectly good Skype interview.

Then again, truth be told, we don’t really know how selective they are.

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Maybe you shouldn’t ask

Bark M. doesn’t have time to waste on stuff like Yahoo! Answers’ Cars & Transportation section, but he knows precisely what sort of questions are posed therein, because he gets hit with them himself, and they all boil down to this:

“Can you use your years of knowledge, experience, and expertise to give me an answer to a wildly uneducated, unrealistic, and ill-informed question that I will then entirely ignore and do what I wanted to do in the first place?”

Further, Bark reports that exactly one person, out of hundreds, has actually followed his advice. This is, I suspect, one better than I’ve done.

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But no commute

Oh, my, here’s another appeal to one’s kindness gullibility:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: My mother and I need a new car, but can't afford one. How do we get a new car on a tight budget? (We don't trust used ones.)

Perhaps this may have occurred to you:

If so, be assured that they find your lack of sympathy disturbing:

My mother and I have health problems that make it hard to fulfill any commitments to a boss.

We’ve had people like that before. They didn’t stay long, for obvious reasons. And the bus stops right in front of the office, too.

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This much, and no more

What the hell kind of deal is this?

I live in a town where there is a “cap” on Internet users. The limit was reached about 6 yrs ago and unless someone cancels there’s you can’t get it. There’s a long list of people waiting, hundreds, so I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it. Some of my neighbors have it and have agreed to split the bill and share it. There is about 200ft of thick pine trees between all houses. What are my options here? Dish Internet is a joke so please don’t recommend that. I know sharing the Internet is frowned upon but it’s 2015 and the Internet service providers are dragging their feet.

Yeah, well, that’s what ISPs do.

Still, you have to figure that whoever negotiated this franchise deal for the municipality had to have been way out of his depth — or that the ISP is substantially less competent than average. Or maybe both.

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Folks, we got a live one

I just wonder if he’s ever seen Pete’s Dragon:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to intercept texts

If your immediate response is “Say what?” be assured that he “knows” what he’s talking about:

I’ve seen it in movies and I know it’s a real thing. I Really want to know how to intercept texts. I know you can download stuff online for it but I have a chrome book so I cant. My do have Linux though so does anyone know how to intercept texts from an iPhone. Please make it step by step

Emphasis added, though really it was hardly necessary.

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