Specialty headgear by Alcoa

Usually we make fun of the questions at Yahoo! Answers. But this answer was so utterly mockable, it deserves attention of its own. Get a whiff of this:

Russia will destroy Turkey and America. Move to Ural. (666 times 3)+(6 times 3) = 2016. Jews want war between Russia and Germany from June to October. Tube people = demons. Clones = demons. Human costumes that demons wear = demons. Dinosaurs and 666ed people have triple stranded DNA. Demons live inside clones. Bacteriologist Alexandre Yersin (who discovered Bubonic plague) is depicted on the Shroud of Turin. There is another shroud on which blasphemer Yosef (who was crucified on a pole in 1066 AD) is depicted. WW3 happens; 7% of people will be left; after people are tired of war, they will elect the antichrist as one world leader; don’t vote. ISIS stands for Israeli Secret Intelligence Service. Next false flag: Statue of Liberty. Move away from coasts as nukes will go off in the ocean (at where tectonic plates meet; result: megatsunamis 1km high). Earth is flat; stands on 3 pillars (the Most Holy Trinity); pillars stand on water at zero Kelvin. Zodiac is planetary prison of demons; don’t believe in horoscopes or you’ll exhibit the traits of the trapped demons. Most thoughts and dreams are from demons; demons never do good. Sleep fully clothed; pray the Jesus prayer. Pray to your guardian angel to have normal sleep. Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov was the last prophet before Enoch and Elijah return to preach against the antichrist. According to Ruski Orthodox Christian Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov: Humans were created about 7525 years ago.

Birds participate in time creation. It’s a sin to kill birds. Dinosaurs live under our level. They will get out through sinkholes and lakes. To kill them, go for their nerves. Save the birds; but kill the dinosaurs. First dinosaur will come out of Volga River in Russia. Demons grow human skin (from a sample taken during abduction) and put it on so as to look like us. Demons will invite people to be healed inside their UFOs; those who go will be like zombies after. Gov’t provides demons with diamonds and allows demons to abduct people. If you’re being abducted, slowly pray the Jesus prayer.

Don’t panic. Demons use diamonds and souls to power their UFO craft. The bigger the diamond, the more it lasts. Demons have 4 UFO bases: 1)Moon 2)Inside fake mountain Kailash in Tibet 3)In lake Baikal in Russia 4)In Atlantis which is underneath the Mariana Trench in Pacific Ocean. There are no aliens. Nobody lives on other planets. Airplanes that go down are hit by demons because they need the airspace to fight Jesus. Antichrist is pale with red eyes. He’s possessed by Satan since he’s 12 years old. He flies. He wears gloves to hide long nails. He’s surrounded by demons who appear as angels of light.

Don’t go into a UFO to be healed by demons. 666 is given by isotope rays on wrist or forehead when people stretch hands to receive small plastic grey card with no name on it (World Passport). Police will microchip and isotope ray people on highways. Food stores will isotope ray people too. Antichrist will also release prisoners to mark people. Reject 666 at all cost. If you’re about to be marked, pray the Jesus prayer. Hide with Orthodox Christians to escape 666; leave all electronics behind so that antichrist’s minions can’t track you. Give to charity in the name of Archangel Michael; he rescues people from hell twice a year (or brings them up a level, that is, to a level with less punishment; eventually, people are freed). Feed the pigeons; when pigeons bow down, people are saved from hell. Forgive me.

How do we know this is a freaking nutcase? Because the question was “What Were Some Of Your Top Favourite Albums of 2015?”

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DDIY

Which means, of course, “Don’t Do It Yourself.” If you ask questions like this, you will definitely qualify:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where are the spark plugs located on a 2000 Mustang gt 4.6 motor?

Now what are the chances that a person who can’t find spark plugs on his own will be able to service said plugs?

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Beyond “birthers”

Now here’s a losing loser who loses:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I change my birth certificate so that no one finds out I was born in a city with a Spanish, not Anglo-sounding name?

The justification offered for this is totally absurd:

I’m sorry, but this is a problem some of us face. I know a lot of fine people who have to cover up the fact that we were born in cities in the USA with Spanish names like San Francisco, Santa Barbara, San Diego, Santa Cruz, etc.

It is not refined. Places like Newport, New Haven, Manhattan, etc. are refined. I don’t want to be associated with a place that has a name derived from people who are Romanist in religion and whose colonies are not of the right social standing.

Update: Yes, but a birth certificate can be forged. Sorry, but I will not go through life with a birthplace associated with Roman Catholicism, spicy food, and antagonism towards the British Crown.

Shorter version: “My parents weren’t WASPs, therefore my life is ruined.”

Troll possibility: Rather high. Then again, someone who would go to this much trouble to come up with an incredibly stupid tale of woe doesn’t have much of a life anyway, by definition. Once I get the time machine working, I’m sending this doofus back to 1884.

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The feeling is almost certainly mutual

We’ve all seen better trolls than this, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is their an interplanetary dating site for those like me not interested in humans?

I was going to suggest to him “You might try looking up Uranus,” but I might need that line for something worthwhile some day.

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From the As If files

This character has big dreams and, one suspects, no way to make them come true:

What type of Web hosting plan would be good for a site that gets 100k visitors a day. Would a shared hosting plan be able to handle this much traffic or vpn or cloud hosting? Not very tech savvy, thank you.

A guy who evidently has never had a site of his own before expects a hundred thousand visitors a day. This is like trying to run HuffPo off Weebly.

I imagine the surfer dudes who host this site would gently, and then not so gently, suggest I move up from the $10-a-month plan if I started getting 100k visitors a day. (The most I’ve ever had on a single day was 13,636, on 12 May 2009, and at least 11,000 of those came from Instapundit.)

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Every existence has a bane

This isn’t mine, but it’s awfully damned close:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I create a free website with domain name?

We have produced an entire subculture of people who want things of value and who don’t want to pay for them. I really think the Prince of Darkness (curses be unto him) is going to have to build on an addition to hell to make room for them all.

Yeah, I hear you: “It’s probably just a kid.” Kids with no sense of propriety or property grow up to be adults with no sense of propriety or property. There aren’t enough roads to Damascus for all of them to wake up in time.

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What really matters

To this character, apparently it’s the ability to buy junk:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Will there be less sellers on ebay now due to all the flooding in north england?

No, really, he’s serious:

it just occurred to me, will there be less sellers to buy from now on ebay? … because of all the floods in north england? because no doubt there would of been a lot of sellers on ebay that are in the north of england? … so with their homes being flooded out and them losing all of their possessions … will we have less sellers on ebay to buy from now?

I’d say something to the effect that “it’s ‘fewer,’ not ‘less’ sellers,” but the presence of “would of” tells me that the trajectory of that statement would clear his scalp by several meters.

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Well, he started it

Let us stipulate that the average car alarm produces far more noise than it does actual security. That said, this guy is still an asshat:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why should i have to pay the damages of my neighbor's car if its because their car alarm was going off?

Justification offered:

So my neighbor’s car was going off for 5 minutes but they didn’t come out to turn it off.

So i tried screaming at it to stop and started throwing things at it for it to shut up! it was disturbing me and the rest of the neighbors.

then my neighbor finally comes outside and turns it off and now he wants to take me to court for damaging his car’s windshield

it was his fault! why should have to pay the damages?

The mere fact that this shlub started screaming at it speaks volumes as to his lack of clue.

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Troll level: prodigious

It’s all a conspiracy, says this guy who definitely ought not to give his name:

Before anyone asks, I do believe that computers exist because I am currently using one. We are just being lied to about how they work. We are told that computers use quantum mechanics and the laws of electricity to work but those are all built on Newtonian laws which are wrong.

In a computer everything is connected to the magical and illusive “CPU”. Nobody can explain how it works and we are expected to believe that all computing is done in some magical silicon chip the size of a fingernail. Have you ever tried to break into a CPU? Even a hack saw can’t penetrate that case, it’s as if they are trying to hide something. These companies have a lot of secrecy surrounding them, which is definitely suspicious. I have looked it up and it turns out that Intel and other “tech” companies are censoring this stuff from the Internet because they don’t want us to know it.

Only living things can think and reason, inanimate objects like rocks cannot think and reason. So why is it that computers, which we are told are inanimate, can think and reason? It just doesn’t add up. If you ask a rock what 2+2 is then it wouldn’t do anything but if I hold the home button and ask Siri what 2+2 is IT will respond “4”. Aperently the Wizards at Intel can use fictional physics to defy nature and people actually buy into that crap.

Just wanted to note here that I have broken into CPUs, sometimes intentionally.

So how do computers work? It’s a lot simpler then the mess of wires and magical microscopic switches Intel wants you to think is there. They trap spirits and force them to do a bunch of logic. Have you ever wondered why programming is called “programming theory”? If people invented programming as we are lead to believe then why is it just a theory? Answer: because they didn’t invent programming and in reality it’s the language spirits speak. I still can’t believe that people don’t question it when Intel says that machines can read, understand what it read, and do what it’s told. They say that computers always do what they are told but inanimate objects don’t do that, if you don’t believe me then tell stick to throw it’s self to you and tell a gun to shoot you. They won’t do it because they are inanimate objects, but the little squares of silicon Intel makes aperently defy this and they will do your taxes and pay your bills for you if you want. What a joke.

Here is some more suspicious stuff about “computers” that prove that we are being lied to:

Every “CPU” is slightly different in speed and we are told that it’s because their precise and consistent manufacturing process is making little mistakes and that somehow effects the speed. They are using machines to precisely make new “machines”, so shouldn’t these CPU’s rolling off the assembly line all be identical? In a car assembly line you don’t see cars that can naturally go twice as fast as another for no apparent reason. Clearly this variation is coming from the diversity of spirits they are using.

Also, why would a computer need power if it does no physical work? It makes no sense. In reality they use the power to help contain spirits and punish insubordinate ones.

It would be nice, I suppose, if this blithering hosehead found a way to make his mysterious computer do spellcheck: “aperently” doesn’t work, though apparently he can spell “apparent.” I’d almost be tempted to sic @SwiftOnSecurity on him, but I’m sure she has better (and likely more remunerative) things to do with her time.

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Road ending prematurely

Cars in the scrapyard often end up crushed. Some of them end up there because of crushing debt:

According to a recent PEW study [pdf], one out of every nine title loans results in a repossession, with the titled vehicle eventually heading to auction.

And after that, maybe the car finds a new home, but maybe not:

One vehicle, a 1995 Chevrolet Blazer, currently shows 271,285 miles. Pulling up its history, we see it shows up at auction in December 2011 with 199,683 miles, then it’s sold with a lien attached in February 2013. Since it had almost 200,000 miles at the time, it is highly unlikely any traditional lending institution would have written a loan for it, meaning this loan was almost certainly processed by a subprime lender. The February sale comes during one of the bigger months for subprime and “Buy Here Pay Here” dealers as many potential customers are receiving tax returns that can give them enough money for a down payment on a new-to-them car.

The Blazer’s owner was immediately in the hole since they were likely taking out a loan with an annual percentage rate of 30 percent for a vehicle that was only worth its weight in scrap. We see three more liens reported on the vehicle with the last one hitting in October of this year. The vehicle’s owner could have taken out multiple title loans or refinanced his loan, the last one being too expensive to cover. Since the vehicle was not worth more than $300 or $400, they would have only been able to get a loan for $150 or so, which would have cost them double or triple the original amount once interest was added. The owner may have been in a tight situation or the car could have broken down, making default a more affordable proposition. Due to the mileage and condition, [the] next stop for this Blazer is likely a salvage yard.

Five will get you ten the guy who bought this Blazer in 2013 went scurrying to Yahoo! Answers to see if there was a chance he could plunge himself further into debt to get himself something newer. Not that it matters what anyone actually told him. (I started suggesting that people start pricing bus passes, a practice some would dub cruel and insensitive.)

Most of the other cars I checked on the run list followed a similar path where they spent a few years in the mainstream market before ending up at a subprime dealer. Some of them experience accidents that should leave them with a branded title, but there are loopholes that allow the title to be washed. Others live a long life with their first owners before reaching the subprime market. The second and third owners of these vehicles are usually underwater as soon as they buy the vehicle and the title loans just put them further into debt.

That Blazer, says the intrepid reporter, was “not worth more than $300 or $400.” What would a BHPH dealer have sold it for? I’m guessing $1999.

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If I only had a piano

I have managed to get about 200 actual posts, and God knows how many tweets, out of Yahoo! Answers. But I never got anything like this:

Well played (and sung), guys.

(Via HelloGiggles.)

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Beat on the bot

How many of you would be delighted to see someone like this suspended?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to auto tweet without getting your account suspended?

A bit of self-justification here:

My twitter got suspended though they were not specific why. They just said multiple violations to the twitter policies. Yeah really big help. I assumed it was because I was auto tweeting from google alerts. How am I suppose to tweet a lot of news from google when I don’t want to sit here all day doing so? How do some people get their accounts suspended for auto tweeting and some don’t? I have a life and don’t want to sit here all day long tweeting news from google alerts manually. Do they automatically tweet stuff just once in a while, one a day, once a week or what?

Darlin’, if you’re tweeting nothing but news from Google, by definition you have no life. And the likelihood that you’d get any followers is pretty close to zip.

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Bruiser-class

This started out as a legitimate inquiry:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What MPG does a 2004 Ford Expedition get?

And then it went downhill quickly:

Looking to buy an SUV and came across an ad for a 2004 Ford Expedition XLT NBX 5.4L 4WD. The first thing I wondered was what is it’s MPG? Online says it gets 14/18, but the same source says my Dakota gets 12/17 and it averages 16 mpg around town. I am hoping there is somebody out there who has/had one and knows the exact MPG … or what you get at least.

Anyone who believes there is such a thing as “exact MPG” deserves to get single-digit mileage. Or worse.

Incidentally, fueleconomy.gov reports 12/16, so I have no idea what this character means by “online.”

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Spinning the wrong wheels

“It’s either me or that damn car,” she says:

3 long years ago… I decided to save for a new car after driving my Toyota Corolla 09. I had friends who bought civics “ultimate rice car” and they wanted me to join their crew. I was honestly jealous and was almost tempted to just buy one and make it a project car but I told myself I’m doing it for myself or my friends. It was just that teen vibe of riding with you re friends and feeling cool with loud exhaust you know.. Considering I did not get that with my corrolla. Any whom 3 years later I bought my DREAM CAR Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 9. Around an year an a half I met my girlfriend who now is threating me to break up with me due to me spending to much on modifying my car. She hates it but I love it. I’ve tried to explain to her everything why I do it and that I love working on cars… Anyways now she wants me to sell it or she will “break up with me”. (She is doing this because we are struggling financially and selling it would help a lot.. But I just don’t see myself doing it.) She says it’s “slowly tearing us apart before our own eyes”. I love her dearly… I love my car dearly.. I’d just like people’s opinions is all.

It’s pretty obvious to me: he values “feeling cool with loud exhaust” more than an actual, breathing female.

The amusing aspect of this, I suppose, is contemplating the vast number of clueless goobs out there who believe that driving the right wheels will bring them romance, or at least an occasional grope in the back seat. (Cars which lack a back seat — well, that’s another matter entirely.)

He may take comfort in the fact that Mitsu is dumping the Evo after generation ten, and he might even end up with a collector’s item if he doesn’t wrap the damnfool thing around a tree.

As for me, I’ve been to this neighborhood: after I got married, one of my first instructions was to get rid of my scary old ’66 Chevy Nova, the fright factor of which was derived, not from its speed, but from its junkyard-ready appearance. There were, I concluded, better things to break up over.

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The government will assign you a car

This sounds rather a lot like a Woody Allen description: ” … one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism.”

Okay, you listen to him:

I am confused after seeing a nice, newer corvette had a big Bernie Sanders 2016 lawn sign on its dashboard. Doesn’t add up?

And these are the bits of the equation he can’t combine:

An older, white women exited the car, not that that should matter. I wasn’t stalking her, I just like analyzing nice cars. I thought if anything, the sign would be supporting a Republican. It seems so very hypocritical, deeply ironic, utterly contradictory. Sure, Bernie wants everyone to be wealthy … is that her argument? Sounds like anyone would argue that. Socialists want everyone to be equal, or is that incorrect? Shouldn’t the corvette driver spread her wealth. I’m in a chevy lumina that won’t pass emissions, and I’m not voting for Bernie. This lady should sell the car and give some money to me so I can catch up to where she is, if you believe in Bernie. I’m a college graduate. I’m just not where she is. I could cry I fell through the cracks and she should help me. Isn’t that what Socialism and Bernie would advocate? Something along those lines that party would advocate. Socialists don’t drive around Corvettes? If they do, then we’ve all be mistaken and should pick Bernie immediately. We want our Corvette. We all work hard. We all should be equal then. All jobs paid the same, right? (take your guess at where I’m playing devil’s advocate.) I really wanted to stop and converse with her, but I get too political with this stuff and I’m not afraid to get in the dirt with it. I have nothing to lose. Hek, I’m not the one with the Corvette. Doesn’t a muscle car take more fuel and pollute more? Not sure where Bernie stands on that, but I would think he’s a big environmentalist.

One expects of a devil’s advocate, at the very least, the ability to advocate for something, or at least against something. This is basically “Let’s see how many talking points I can use in half an hour.”

And besides: a lawn sign on the dashboard? This ain’t no bumper sticker, Ryball. For all you can tell, she may have just swiped that sign from a neighbor with whom she disagrees.

Now shut up and get your crummy Lumina fixed.

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Antique fuel

Not an unreasonable question, this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do you know when gas has gone bad?

And then we launch into Too Much Exposition:

I have a 79 Firebird that has sat for about 5 years and I am starting down the road to running it again. I filled it with the good stuff before parking it. I am assuming that after this long it has gone bad but considering that I paid over $4/gallon for it at the time I hate to just dump it unless somebody has a good idea on how to save it.

Sorry, pal, but old hydrocarbons are not worth saving no matter what you paid for them. (Why do you think we burn ’em in the first place?)

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Beyond any possible quantity of Kool-Aid

Whatever this nimrod has been drinking, it’s done hellacious damage:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Reasons why the rich and famous won't leave earth due to a supposed asteroid. Also reasons why the world WON'T end in Sept 2015 please read

If you insist on reading:

So many celebrities are my role models like Patricia Hodge and Ashleigh Ball (‘Littlest Pet Shop’), and you have no idea how hurtful it is that they use all their hard work to keep a secret with the government and leave earth. I feel betrayed! I hope to heaven it’s not true! Also, I need scientific reasons why the world won’t end this month. Scientific and mature reasons for why the world isn’t going to end. Thank you for your time adressing this.

Were there true balance in the universe, this kid would be stumbling in front of a speeding bus on the first of October.

And even the Sweet Meteor O’Death isn’t due until after the first of the year.

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Low-information buyers

If I didn’t see at least one of these every damn day I might have a smidgen of sympathy:

Me and my fiancé were in the market for a new (used) vehicle. We went to a dealership and found a great car, decent price, and with a down payment that was a little more than we were comfortable with. Now after we have signed and driven off the lot, we KNOW for a FACT that we made the wrong choice and that we aren’t going to be able to afford the car along with its insurance and all of the other bills we already have. –Yes we should have thought this out more thoroughly but we are about to have our wedding next month and need more time to get through that and save more for a newer vehicle. It has only been one and a half days since the purchase and we are wanting to just take it back and tell them we are in over our heads and we will eventually have to default the loan and won’t be able to pay for the car. Will the car take back our car? Also note: the down payment was dated for Tuesday and has not yet been processed. Is there anything else we can do to convince them to allow us to return the car and not continue through with this purchase?

Oh, yes, let’s begin the marriage with a seven-year black spot on our credit!

“Good judgment,” said Will Rogers, “comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” They probably won’t make this mistake a second time — but they’re going to have to eat the consequences of the first.

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Playing doctor 2.0

A day doesn’t go by that someone doesn’t ask this:

Guys keep pressuring me to send them nudes, I tell them no but they don’t listen. The guys who ask usually send me pictures first. I don’t like giving into peer pressure but I have before. So what do I do or say to the people who ask????

Perhaps there should be an FAQ on such matters, written by an authority on the subject. I nominate Robert Stacy McCain:

So-called “sexting” is such a disastrously bad idea that I shouldn’t even have to explain why it’s a bad idea. Here is the thing: The “sexting” participant provides his or her partner with evidence — a permanent digital record of text messages and images — that the partner can then use as he or she pleases. Any young woman who sends nude selfies to a guy can just presume that he will immediately show the photos to all his friends. They always do. That’s why guys ask for nude photos from girls, in order to display them to their buddies as trophies. Any guy who asks for a nude photo is a creep, and any girl who sends a nude photo is a fool. The fact that we now have laws against so-called “revenge porn” (i.e., the unauthorized distribution of nude photos and/or videos, typically as revenge against an ex-girlfriend) does not change the reality that only a fool would ever send a nude photo of herself to a guy, and it is not “victim-blaming” to say so, no matter what any feminist tries to tell you.

“But Stacy, all the kids are doing it!”

No, they are not, and that kind of peer-pressure excuse is part of the problem. Responsible adults do not endorse foolish behavior simply because it is common behavior, and “sexting” is foolish behavior. Even if you did want to engage in reckless promiscuity, it would be foolish to create a permanent digital record of such behavior.

Of course, the question is almost always asked by someone in her teens, in which case the laws involved get seriously harsh seriously quickly: grownup nudes are one thing, but you can’t spell “jailbait” without, um, jail.

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Dumping foreseen

You know how they’re always saying “Don’t be that guy”? This is a guy you don’t want to be:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I need some pics of girls to prove to my girlfriend that I'm experienced with getting nudes of girls. She wont send em without proof. Help!?

I’m guessing she’s already figured out that this guy contains a significant percentage of weasel DNA.

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