Watch that wallpaper

I suppose what I really want to know here is why this clod expects to have his phone seized:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: To the women if a guy has a naked woman as his phone background do you make him change it/r u offended enough to leave him?

Which naked woman, you ask?

I want to have Anna Nicole as my background but I fear the loss of a future gf if I start dating & she grabs my phone.

“Honey, she’s been dead for seven years!” will not help you in this case.

I admit to having once had a picture of Debbie Gibson as phone wallpaper, though she was not unclothed. (At least, not completely.) Never you mind what’s there now.

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A John Deere letter

I’m half hoping this is a trick question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does the new 22 horsepower engine on a john deere have as much power as the old 26 horsepower engine?

Perhaps what she wants to say is more like “Is the new line of John Deere implements with 22-hp engines up to the performance standards set by the old line with 26-hp engines?” She didn’t say that, though, so she’s basically earned a “Duh.”

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Brightness control

The Internet, says Bark M., has changed everything:

We used to think people who had vast memories and the ability to devour, and later recall, great bits of knowledge were “smart.” Who needs to do that anymore? Each one of us has a device with the entirety of the knowledge of mankind in our pockets at all time. And, largely because of this, everybody seems to have an opinion on everything, because it’s easy to do a Google search and instantly find out what your position on virtually anything should be. I can’t write a column on TTAC without commenters disputing everything I say, claiming to have all knowledge of all types of cars, despite the fact that they own a 2003 Altima and have never competed in any sort of autosport. The latest C&D review of the new Mustang GT was the best example I’ve seen of this recently — about halfway through the article, I already knew that the commenters would be screaming “45k FOR A RUSTANG LOL YA RITE.” None of them can afford a $45k car of any type, of course, but that doesn’t matter. The internet and social media have mistakenly made all of us think our opinions are equal and valid, when, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The Mustang will sell as fast as dealers can get them.

In my capacity as a person who supposedly easily once qualified as Smart v1.0, I have to admit to a growing level of complacency: if I don’t have The Answer, surely someone else out there has, and that should take the pressure off me. Opinions are still worth about as much as they always were — one of them and $7.99 will get you a combo meal for a limited time only at participating locations, tax not included — but the sheer quantity of them insures that no one is waiting with bated breath for mine.

In a lower-quality automotive environment, such as Yahoo! Answers, most of the loudmouth participants would be lucky to have a 2003 Altima; among the worst ones are the characters who are “temporarily” living at home, “paying no bills,” making $50-60k a year, and wanting to know how close they are to owning a Gallardo. I usually tell them that the reasonable upper limit of their aspirations is a ’99 Corolla. They resent the hell out of that; the only people who are consistently more hostile than this are the ones who can’t understand why they can’t have a Nissan Skyline, and the ones who go on for several paragraphs about how much this crapmobile they bought from a buy-here-pay-here dealer for only 200 percent of list keeps breaking down every other week, and demand to know “What are my rights?” (The answer to that, of course, is “If it breaks in half going down the road, you get to keep both halves.”)

And besides, we’re all smart. The Ed Biz says so:

Now, in modern schools, every kid is “smart.” They have something like seventy-four different types of “intelligence,” and all the kids are intelligent in some way — they even have “physical intelligence” for the kids who are athletically gifted. All the tests that we used to think determined some sort of intelligence are now deemed in some way or another to be “biased.” I used to endlessly mock my brother because I scored about 200 points higher than he did on the SAT (granted, I took it when I was 17 and he took it when he was 13 or something, but still). He claimed that they made the test easier in the eight years between our respective testing dates — now it’s not even up for debate. The college entrance exams are much, much easier than they used to be. I don’t even think they give IQ tests to kids now.

I mention this because (1) his brother reads this stuff occasionally and (2) my brother, the one who was four years younger than I and passed away in 2010, scored about 200 points lower than I did on the SAT. Then again, he was the grounded one; I was the neurotic. (And yet he’s gone, and somehow I’m still here.) And had he been turned loose on those nimrods on Y!A, or even the Best & Brightest at TTAC, he’d have torn them enough new ones to cause a worldwide gauze shortage, while I barely draw blood.

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64-bit ambition, two-bit laziness

Evidently this chap was hoping to be told that there would be no math:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Which computer major doesn't have Maths in it and makes a lot of money?

Five will get you ten that a year from now he’s doing WordPress installs for cheap.

Note: The original title of this was “The blind fashion designer says hi,” but as I was doing the draft save it occurred to me that, well, what if there is a blind fashion designer? And of course there is.

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Off to reform school with you

You may have heard the term “special snowflake” before. Here’s a particularly flaky example:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Parents won't buy me a nice car?

Speaking for the defense:

First, I am “spoiled” but if you’re going to comment that I am you’re wasting your time because believe me, I know I am.

Okay so I drive a 15 year old POS that doesn’t even start all the time. It’s a crappy Nissan SUV that’s in an ugly girly color. The inside is crappy and I feel embarrassed driving my gf or even my friends in there because it is so filthy. It’s almost disrespectful to my passengers and I try to clean it but you can’t get out decade old stains and smells. At my HS, kids drive NEW BMW 4 series coupes, Mercedes Benz, even Porsches I know 4 girls who drive 911s. Like everyone in my town, including my family, is very wealthy. We live in the wealthiest county in Florida. Kids get dropped off at school in Teslas, limos, and their nanny’s range rovers. And I don’t get why my parents can’t just buy me a 15k BMW!? Like my wrist watch is probably worth more than my car. It is so frustrating. My best friend drives a new Mercedes c250 and my other friend has a 2012 5 series. It is just annoying af and I feel self conscious because they have plenty of money to buy me a used car. That would be like your parents saying they don’t have $2 for a vending machine water when they obviously do. I have a job, but it’s an internship at a real estate office and there’s no way in hell I can afford a car making minimum wage. What should I do

This is how your parents got rich: not buying you crap.

Only one question left: does he run for Congress in ’26, or wait until ’28?

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Finally a use for Comic Sans

I admit, I wasn’t expecting this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot:<br />
Whats they best text font and size for this letter?

What it’s all about:

im turning 18 and leaving a verbally abusive home in 9 days. ive thought of it for a while, saved up money, got new clothes and food. im leaving my parents house and the state and im writing them a letter explaining why im leaving, what caused it. that ill be with my boyfriend ive kept secret for 2 years and so on. i want them to know that im not “running away” but living my own life, my parents and i have different religious beliefs (they are southern baptist and im pagan) and im going off to be myself. i dont want it to sound too angry but i want them to understand ive been hurt (im a girl and once i forgot to brush my hair and got my head shaved etc)

Before you ask: yes, I’d have said the same thing were this a boy sending this sob story.

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Damn laws of physics

What in the world could this yahoo possibly have been thinking?

Yahoo! Answers screenshot: What suv has a tow capacity of 7000 lbs and gets good gas mileage?

This is right up there with “How much do I have to spend on a suit to win the heart of a supermodel?”

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Putting the “glob” in “global”

You almost certainly remember this from your childhood: “Now eat your [unpalatable food item]. There are children starving in [random Third World hellhole].”

The proper response, of course, is to point to the alleged food item and ask “Why don’t we send them this?”

This spirit, and I use the term loosely, still exists today:

Yahoo! Answers screenshot: Wasting Water™: Why does Lou Gehrig hate clean drinking water?

Followed by this bit of harangue:

Every bucket dumped over the head of some self important celebrity is one less bucket of clean drinkable water when 780 MILLION people lack access to clean water and 3.4 MILLION people die each year from a water related disease.

Which, in turn, is followed by an infographic that repeats the same numbers:

water use infographic

If you’ve missed the meme, here’s the explanation.

Now what’ll you bet this person’s lawn is freshly watered?

Mr Gehrig, of course, is long gone, and since he doesn’t have to listen to this sort of thing anymore, he has to consider himself the luckiest man off (or under, depending on your cosmology) the face of this earth.

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Advance information

The beatings will continue, it appears, until the equine is no longer deceased:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How many citizens have a problem of buying 'havinga new vehicle before the calendar year?

If that makes little sense, this won’t make much more:

I got this response that I didn’t expect from one of my other questions about model years. I think it is weird, but I still find it acceptable for cars because think if I wanted it to be strict, then it could mean that i would have less fun according to my guardian’s rules. Here is this response.

“Haven’t we had enough of this whinging about the discrepancy between model and calendar years? No one in the Real World has a problem with it.

“Role model: William Maxwell Gaines, founder of Mad magazine, who set it up with an 8-issues-per-year schedule that guaranteed that no issue was ever on sale during the month printed on its cover.”

I started to wonder who has a problem with it.

For school buses, I think a 2013 school bus was there in 2012 for school bus fleet reasoning like meeting emission standards for 2013 for this school bus.

I have a problem when transit buses often enter service before the calendar year (if there is no need to or no reason to) because fleet age is something very important.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that emissions standards are set by model year, not by calendar year, therefore his concerns are somewhere between misplaced and pathological. Moreover, it’s hard not to wonder about the nature of his, um, “guardian.”

And besides, I’ve obviously told the little peckerhead enough already.

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Lose that boy

Don’t wait for it to happen on its own, either:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: He's going to die, help?

Taste considerations require this go below the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Dream yon, autocorrupt

As more and more mobile users enter the fray, you’re going to see stuff like this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where is the speed control sensor for a 2000 Nassau maximum?

At least, I think he means “speed control sensor.”

Still: “Nassau”? Could this actually be the bitchin’ Camaro his folks drove up from the Bahamas?

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If only I knew

Usually I can snap off an answer to these Yahoo! questioners in nothing flat. This one left me baffled:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What is Twilight Sparkle's cell phone number?

I mean, I figure she’d have enough trouble with a landline.

But no, there’s a reason for this:

you know how you can call a phone number and it will be an automated message? I wanted to call the number for my little sister cause she loves My Little Pony, its not half bad actually, so if anyone knows anything, please answer, thanks in advanced.

This I hadn’t heard. And all this time I’d believed her policy was “don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

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There’s thieves among us

Sometimes they even admit it:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If you cheat a little at the grocery self-checkout are you a bad person?

Definition of “a little”:

There were some really nice Braeburn apples but they were $3.99/lb, I refuse to pay more than $1.99/lb for any fruit except berries. So at the self-checkout I punched the button for Red Delicious apples which are $1.69. Am I a horrible person or does pretty much everyone cheat once in a while?

No, you’re a horrible person. And a couple of years from now, when you’re whining about waiting tables and being stiffed on a tip, you might want to remember this little incident.

(Title via She & Him.)

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High on the Sphincter Scale

First, the question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does ratemyprofessor.com give out your exact address?

Then, the excuses:

Okay, I know it was rude but I called my professor lazy. And there isn’t an excuse for it. I know, okay? I feel bad about it. My sister has has had cancer for three years and we just found out last week that the cancer is stage 4, metastatic, and spread to her brain, liver, and lungs.

I was so mad at the world last week and I was frustrated because we have two weeks left of class and the professor still didn’t tell us our grades, so I posted on ratemyprofessors a review and I said he’s lazy, and don’t take him. That’s honestly the only thing I said.

Then in class, the professor told us all he was hurt by it, and even the website deleted it because it was “so mean”. Then he gave us back our midterm, and I was the only one who didn’t get mine back? He said he left it with the other class’s stack. I’m pretty sure he knows it was me, but how? I don’t have a username on the website, I reviewed as a guest, and I only said one sentence.

So my question is, did the website violate my Constitutional rights by giving out my IP address and location to a professor? The Constitution states that everyone has the right to free speech without the use of “fight words”. I’m pretty sure calling someone else “lazy” isn’t a fight word, or else hundreds of millions of people would be in jail right now.

I’m thinking that this individual got shitty grades; if she thinks that that’s what the Constitution says, it’s a safe bet her mastery of the subject she’s studying is just as questionable, if not more so.

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Keep it to yourself

No further explanation was offered:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I blacklist someone from buying a car?

I suspect middle-school-level drama somewhere between here and the background.

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Not one of the Pointer Sisters

We start with a question that is essentially unanswerable to begin with:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why is my index finger longer then my ring finger?

Actually, there is one sensible response: “Who the hell cares?” But then we get to the heart of the matter:

I am a male but I am not feminine?

This has got to be a metalaw somewhere: “All old wives’ tales end up being circulated by boys.”

I was tempted to tell him “Doesn’t matter, since either one is longer than your peen,” but that seems (slightly) unkinder than necessary. Still, this morbid fear that someone of equal immaturity will call him out will not serve him well in the future, assuming he has one.

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Let the sunshine in

You remember the old saying, right? “The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.” Sometimes I wonder if I remember it too well.

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Something about unlimited support

There are actual alpha males, and then there are males who imagine that they’d be alpha if only they had [obviously absent characteristic]. I suspect this guy of being one of the latter:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why doesn't Bill Gates have a hotter wife?

To amplify:

I mean he’s a multi billion dollar inventor. Basically all the hottest women would want him. Why doesn’t he have a hotter wife and why have he never had one who is hotter?

Melinda Gates headshotThis assumes two things: that guys with multiple billions are as a matter of course expected to land someone in the Leggy Supermodel class, and that when they don’t do so, it’s a matter of interest to the rest of the world. It would never occur to this guy that Bill Gates might have won the heart of exactly the woman he wanted.

Besides, as anyone who’s ever worked at Microsoft undoubtedly knows by now, you can’t force an upgrade on someone without causing major heartbreak, or at least a major pain in the hindquarters.

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Baring up

From 1994, a Not Particularly Special Episode of Murphy Brown:

Accompanying Miles (Grant Shaud) on a shopping excursion, Murphy (Candice Bergen) inadvertently gets a glimpse of Miles’ “privates” as he tries on a new suit. News of this incident spreads like wildfire throughout the “FYI” office, subjecting poor Miles to a million-and-one bad jokes about his family jewels.

Twenty years later, Yahoo! Answers is awash in people all telling the same story: “OMG [individual(s)] saw me nude!” In vain will you, or will I anyway, tell them “No big deal”; they’re convinced that they are Forever Branded, and “What must they think of me?”

This fear extends even to people who routinely eschew clothing: for some — not all — there’s a compulsion to behave like choirboys, albeit sans robes, lest their reputations be shot. Even the American Association for Nude Recreation, itself occasionally viewed as hopelessly square, has acknowledged this:

[E]ven within the nudist lifestyle there are a lot of people who cannot separate the idea of being nude with the sexual act. Going from club to club, it’s truly amazing the different attitudes concerning what is sexual and what is not.

There are clubs that will not allow anyone to hold hands while being nude. There are clubs that will not allow tattoos or piercings for fear of being too sexual. At some clubs you cannot repeat an “off color” joke, no matter how funny it is. Then there are clubs that require clothing to be worn while dancing. And, of course, there are clubs that promote themselves as sexually open and have no problem with overt sexual activities. Yes, there is a third type of club that has found that balance between being overt sexually or scared to show any sexuality. The fact that you have these three different types of clubs makes it more confusing to separate the idea between being nude and having sex.

Talk to most anyone who is not a nudist and they will automatically assume that there are some sort of sexual implications associated with being a nudist. Some nudists go overboard trying to deny any sexuality with nudism.

It’s about time AANR admitted it, says Nudiarist:

AANR has stuck to their “family values” mantra, declaring that their clubs “foster a wholesome, nurturing environment for members and their families”. Certainly there are clubs that do indeed adhere to this strict definition, but there are many which cater to adults or couples only.

So this AANR blog post today is a first step in recognizing that the “one size fits all” idea is being consigned to the trash heap of history. Just the simple statement that some nudists “go overboard trying to deny any sexuality with nudism” is a clear indication that the days of the old guard are nearing an end.

I mean, wasn’t the whole idea of discarding your wardrobe to de-stress yourself?

Which is why the best line in that Murphy Brown episode was uttered by Corky Sherwood. Asked what was going on, she shrugged and said, “Oh, Murphy saw Miles’s wiener.” No big deal.

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Oily in the morning

I think this individual is looking for the wrong emollients:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Many woman trust castrol oil for their natural treatment. What are benefits of castrol oil for woman?

Then again, it’s more than just oil: it’s liquid engineering.

[insert "Fram filter" joke here]

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