Troll level: average

Credit for keeping a straight face, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why doesn't Elliot Rodger upload anymore?

Further:

I used to watch his videos but the supreme gentleman hasn’t uploaded since 2014! Has he quit YouTube?

Um, not exactly. The creepy little weirdo, in his one act of true selflessness, turned the gun on himself. So the guy with the first answer to this question was correct: “No wifi in hell.”

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Maximum wrongness

This is just so wrong on so many levels:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I replace the engine in a modern vehicle with a 1940 Cadillac V16 engine and not be subject to an emissions inspection?

Um, no, no, and once again no. You have to meet the emissions spec for the vehicle’s model year, irrespective of engine. This boat anchor weighs nearly as much as the two straight-eights from which it was derived, which will screw up your suspension something fierce. And today there are contemporary fours that put out more power than the low-revving Caddy sixteen while drinking far less fuel.

Let’s hope this is a troll, because if someone that stupid is out there … but never mind, let’s not even think about that.

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Plangent commentary

Me, I mock Yahoo! Answers users one at a time. Others, more industrious, make it up in volume:

The opposite of eugenics must be whatever encourages these losers to reproduce.

(Via Miss Cellania.)

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Hyperoverextended

Yahoo! Answers is good for at least half a dozen of these a week:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I am stuck in a car loan and can't afford the payments how can I get out of the loan early?

The gory details:

I have a 2014 mustang and the payments are 400 a month. I owe around 19000 on it. I need help finding a way to get rid of it as soon as possible. Thanks

If he’s lucky, he might get $14,000 for it, in which case he needs to scrape up $5000, sell the ‘Stang, and turn over the proceeds to the lender. Problem solved. It’s not the solution he wants, but it’s the solution that actually works.

Of course, there’s always Chapter 7, which has, shall we say, certain disadvantages.

But what bothers me is the blithe assumption that there’s some way to “get out of the loan early” without serious consequences. Life doesn’t work quite that way. (At least, it never has for me, and I admit to occasional bouts of presumptuousness.) Unfortunately, a substantial sector of automotive retailing is reliant upon luring people with no money into the showrooms.

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The opposite of new-car smell

I don’t really blame this guy for taking the Anonymous option:

Can an insurance company sell a salvaged car if someone died in it, and if so, do they have to tell you?

Now houses, that’s a whole ‘nother matter:

In California, sellers must reveal if a death in the home has occurred anytime in the past three years, including death by natural causes (although certain types of deaths, like those from AIDS, cannot be disclosed). And if a buyer comes out and asks about a death that occurred at any time, even longer than three years ago, the seller is required to provide a truthful response.

I submit that there are going to be times when “How the hell do I know?” is the most truthful response available.

In Alaska and South Dakota, only murders or suicides must be disclosed if they happened within the past year. In other states the laws are less black and white; a seller may need to disclose the information only if a buyer asks.

Still, we’re talking houses. Cars? Nobody gives a damn, except this poor, superstitious soul. I can say only that it’s entirely possible for a car to be totaled, rebuilt and resold without anyone having died in it.

Now if it smells like someone died in it within the last couple of days, maybe there’s a reason to inquire.

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Poor, poor, pitiful she

“Why does nobody follow my social media?” she wails:

Well I tell a little lie, I do get a few followers now and then, on Instagram, Twitter and so on, I don’t use Facebook anymore, but I don’t have as many as some people and when I do get followers, they don’t even appreciate what I have to post, otherwise what was the point in them following me in the first place? I don’t what I’m doing wrong. Everyone else just seems to have it easy. They can get away with posting selfies of themselves and gets lots of likes and comments for them, I’ve never gotten anything like that in my life. I think I must come off as fake to people. But nothing about me is fake at all, whatever I post is true to what is happening in my life in the present moment. People seem to be inspired by others’ happiness but my own. Say I post a picture of me smiling, nobody gives a damn. It doesn’t feel fair. I’m a human being too with interests, passions and hobbies like everyone else.

I’ve always assumed that my vast social-media following has been due to my mad grammar skillz.

Still, this is worrisome, because someone who thinks she’s entitled to X amount of attention on screen probably thinks she’s entitled to comparable levels of attention in Real Life. Of such is madness born.

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Just gimme the answer

A subtle question, made less so by its conditions:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: When do you become an adult? This is a topic for my University essay and i want to know the answer from that point of view?

In other words, he wants the answer they’re presumably looking for.

And just in case you were in doubt about that:

Pls dont use google for answering it since my teachers will check if i used google or not i need creative ideas

At the very least, this would seem to constitute an admission that his own ideas are not creative, though I suspect “He’s a lazy pillock” would probably be accepted as an alternative explanation.

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Dashing dreams as we go

Welcome to Perennial Disappointment:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How much money do I need to make a year to afford a bmw i8?

This tells you one thing right up front: the dreamer wants to finance this purchase, because paying cash up front is obviously not happening. The base price (including destination charge) for the i8 is, as of this writing, $137,450. Thirty grand down and $2800 a month? Not for someone making nine bucks an hour as a shop clerk.

I see several of these every week, and they all sound the same:

I’m A guy who is Dreaming to own a Lamborghini Aventador. The price of Lamborghini Aventador is about $600,000. Can I pay 600,000$ for 10 years monthly? Which is about 5,000$/month. Or Do I have to pay everything when I’m buying Lambo?

What in this paragraph might make you think it’s at all possible for this yutz to own anything beyond a ten-year-old Toyota Corolla?

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Loud, uninformed consumer

I don’t really blame this yutz for insisting on anonymity:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Sue a car dealership on false information?

I helped buy my oldest son buy a new car from the dealer. When he finally decided on a car he really like I told him I would help me buy it since he earned it (which is the case here) anyways, he picked a 2010 Lexus LS which was over 30k. When we went to see the car and bought the car the dealership assured us that there was NO OPEN RECALLS on the car and was in perfect conditions and had no previous accident. So we ended up getting the car. After 2 weeks of purchasing the car my son was at school driving home. Before exiting the school campus his car stopped! Luckly no car was behind him. The whole Gasoline started to leak and the campus security had to put my son to safety since his car was causing a hazardous situation. After looking up apparently there IS AN OPEN RECALL! While all the papers were sign by or part and the dealership I have proof the dealership signed that there was no OPEN recalls. I’m so angry since it put my son in a risky situation. My question is would I be able to sue the dealership?

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when this suit is thrown out. And it will be. A trip to nhtsa.gov reveals that there have been no recalls on the 2010 LS. Nor are the complaints (all two of them) at all related to this phenomenon. So the dealer was correct, and Aggrieved Parent can go stuff it up her single exhaust. (Good thing it isn’t dual.)

I posted exactly that paragraph, minus some formatting, to the actual question, hoping more than usual that the perpetrator will be embarrassed. Probably not going to happen: some people are beyond any level of shame.

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A reprehensible little twerp

Cue Phil Collins intoning “You’re no son of mine”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to temporarily freeze the odometer on a 2000 dodge dakota

Odometer tampering is of course illegal. Is this nimrod trying to sell the truck? Nothing so normal:

I got into a bit of trouble (I’m 17), and my parents are taking my truck away for two weeks. My dad knows the exact mileage on the truck. I drive a 2000 dodge dakota sport, 2.2 liter engine, single cab, 5 speed transmission. The odometer is digital. How can I rig the truck so it shows the same amount of miles on the odometer, rather than just pulling the fuse to the cluster and it not showing anything. It needs to look like I haven’t driven it, if I decide to drive it. All help is appreciated!

And don’t try to talk him out of this scheme, either:

Ps: Please don’t tell me not to drive the truck against my parent’s will. It won’t stop me.

Little shit has a future as a political consultant, if he’s not beaten to death first.

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Autoparanoia

This guy can’t understand how such a thing could possibly happen:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I don't know if parts were replaced with worse ones while it sat in parking lot at a service center

Makes no sense? Neither will this:

good parts could have been taken off the car while it sat outside at a service center because it’s hard to believe it when they weren’t bad before they are bad now when the car was just towed to have the transmission work done. It’s registration time in one day and it won’t run to put the millage on the car to pass emissions.

Well, “Alan,” if that is your real name, why in the world would a service center work on parts without getting paid for that work? The markup on parts isn’t anywhere near enough to justify spending all that time to swipe them. And how do you know they weren’t bad before? The transmission failure would have drawn far more attention at the time.

Shut up and pay the man. Then go back to Walgreen’s — there’s one near you — and get your anti-paranoia meds refilled.

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Out of the mass market

Mercury sold nearly 66,000 cars with a Monterey badge in 1966. Most of them are gone. Not that the remaining owners necessarily understand that:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where can I find a good Radiator for a 1966 Mercury Monterey without paying big bucks!?? I've searched almost every parts site, but no luck

I will never understand these folks who think all auto parts, even for 50-year-old models, should be right there at the corner parts store and should sell for no more than $19.99.

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Because everything is on the Internet

Darnisha asks:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is Nathan cooksey in merced can cheating on darnisha Richardson?

I’m not sure which is worse: that she asked this in the first place, or that she asked it in Cars & Transportation/Maintenance & Repairs.

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Now this is answering

A very typical Y!A car question:

I recently found two cars that I like. One is a 2004 bmw m3 and one is a 2003 g35.

How much should I expect the monthly insurance to be?
Is it expensive as a 2004 bmw m3?

There are basically three types of drivers who ask this:

  • Young drivers
  • Shitty drivers
  • Young, shitty drivers

I blew off this question, but fortunately, someone else gave this little twerp what he needed:

Yes, Mark. Performance cars are very expensive to maintain and insure. And you’ve already been told hundreds of times that at this point in your life, it makes absolutely no sense to purchase one.

Last year, after graduating high school, you started classes at Bergen Community College, but dropped out a week later because you read on one of your course syllabi that class participation counted for five percent of your grade. Since you were nervous about talking in class, you quit school and went to work full-time stocking shelves at Costco.

Now, you are considering returning to college at age 19 (almost twenty). You clearly need a more practical car — one that has good reliability and gas mileage. The money you’ve managed to save should go entirely towards your educational expenses, which is an investment in the future.

I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why you think it’s so important to go from 0-60 in a short time. There’s absolutely no benefit in that. Since you live with your parents, you should sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about your future. Perhaps they can set you straight and help fix some of your delusions. For example, you’re not a “straight-up gangster” and you’re obviously not black.

You are an extremely short and plump Indonesian teenager, with delusional aspirations towards the thug lifestyle. (You’re 5-5, small-framed, and a whopping 232 pounds!) In other words, you’re a fat little “gangsta-baby.” A Toyota Corolla would would be a much more practical option for you. Get an education and lose that 100 pounds of fat. Once you graduate college or university and get a decent job, you can start thinking about high-performance sports cars.

Basically, Mark, you need to fix your life-priorities. You are wasting your time fantasizing about being an inner-city hoodlum and driving fast cars. This makes absolutely sense no at all and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You seriously need to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult. The waitress you are crushing on was totally correct about that.

Even if only a third of this is dead accurate, he has the twerp dead to rights.

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From the Gimme Pages

Some species, we hear, eat their young. I wonder if this is why:

So I’m 19 now , and I’ve really been looking into getting a car. I’ve asked my parents one for Christmas and they said no cuz $. Its really annoying because all my friends have one and they ask girls out using them. Whenever I ask a girl out we have to arrange public transport and that usually turns them off. I know this sounds stupid but don’t worry I’m not just asking for a car to get the ladies. It’s mainly about getting to college. It takes me roughly 2 hours using public transport, meanwhile i checked how much time it would take me If i was using a car. And saw that it would only take me about 30-45 minutes. So I would be getting about 1h30-1hr15 minutes more sleep. Which is a lot.
Now my family isn’t very rich so I’ve narrowed down my options,
The one car I am looking at now is this one: https://www.teslamotors.com/models/design?redirect=no
So it wold be 844$ per month with 5000 $ in down payment.
Now, I want a Tesla because
1. It helps with the ladies
2. Its super quiet
3.Its environment friendly because it is electric/
So before you start yelling at me because the car is so expesive, I’ve done the Maths.
So my dad earns around 55k a year. Which is around 4583$ a month. Now Seeing as he must have 5000$ in his bake account ( I’m assuming) He can make the down payment. And if you substract the 1.5k he pays for rent and the 844$ each month for the car you get 2239$ EVERY MONTH! For you to buy, groceries or hose appliances whatever,
So you can see why I’m frustrated…

I want to know what his dad does that gets him out of paying taxes.

I’m sorry. A child like this, assuming this one actually exists — the trolls have been working overtime of late — is far too stupid to be in college.

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Child loses race, pitches fit

It’s hard not to laugh at this twerp:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I got smoked by a BMW m3 on my 2003 maxima

The sob story, as only an SOB can tell it:

thursday afternoon while i was cruising on the freeway at 75 mph, BMW m3 voluntarilly pulled up to my side. while we cruised i honked the horn counting from 1 to 3 and the minute i finished counting, i pulled from 80 mph to 122-125 mph in like 2-3 second but despite that i STILL GOT SMOKED by the m3!!!! my question is there anything else that i can do to make a my maxima faster?

i mean i spent AT LEAST 6K modifiying and customizing my car. is i have put money into parts like a new cold air intake, 20″ rims, better struts, different chip, radiator and much more. could a supercharger help my car go any faster?

Well, dumbass, for one thing, you can lose those stupidly large 20″ rims, which add a whole bunch of weight, and unsprung weight at that: they’re the very antithesis of speed. Five will get you ten your intake isn’t any better than stock, and at 125 mph you’re running into aerodynamic drag: you will not get appreciably faster than 130 or so no matter what sort of crap you shovel into the engine compartment. (I drive one of these little darbs. I know.)

But by all means, drop a supercharger in there. And while you’re at it, pick up a spare engine and transmission.

Fiduciary note: $6000 worth of “upgrades” to a $2500 car leaves its value at, um, decidedly less than $2500. Nobody buys beaters with boyracer detritus all over the place, except for people even dumber than the seller. I suppose such people do exist, but this can’t be good for the human race.

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No one must ever know

Usually the guys who do this want to pretend that they wrote all that code. Then there’s this guy:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to remove template name from WordPress?

His motivations contain 50 percent more skulk:

I bought a WordPress template from a site for my business, and I want to know if there is a way to change the theme template name? I own a cafe and one of my competitors (who happens to be my ex-wife) figured out what template I’m using on my site and she bought the same template for her cafe site and now both of our sites look similar. I want to buy a new template but I want to know how I can prevent someone else learning what template I’m using. When someone goes to my site they are able to see what template I’m using when they look at the “Source Code” — how do I change that so the visitors (mainly my competition) can’t find out what template I’m using?

WordPress stores all the theme files in a themes/[theme name] directory; to conceal it would require rewriting every one of those files, plus all the code that connects to those files. It would almost be easier to write a theme from scratch, and there’s still the necessity of tweaking all that PHP. I’m thinking it might conceivably be done with a metric buttload of redirects, at the expense of speed: nothing makes people flee a site faster than lack of fastness.

Disabling right-click, which is where people usually try to View Source, is trivially easy via JavaScript. But it won’t do a thing to block, say, the Ctrl-U combination that Firefox devised.

And really, why did those two ever break up? They seem to be so perfect for each other in so many ways.

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Hard luck, your lordship

As Cher Horowitz might have said, “As if”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I had to purchase a transmission less than 2 months of getting the car. The vehicle was repossed today. Can i retrive my transmission?

Yeah, like they’re going to just hand it to you.

At the time Sandy, my second Mazda 626, was totaled out after meeting up with a doe on a rural road, she was wearing spiffy new high-performance tires with barely a thousand miles on them. $650 down the chute. C’est la vie.

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Future bum

Some people really object to the idea that life requires effort:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I make a millions of dollars?

I think we can safely assume he has no future as a bestselling author:

Every night I go sleep dreaming about driving rolls a rolls Royce, living in a huge house. I’m 18 I don’t want to grow up and do the exact same thing every day, get up go to work and go home I can’t do that.

And girls, I’ll just bet he’s single!

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Playing the Pathetic Card

Yet another bozo who thinks himself too clever by half:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I bring up that dad has cancer in my next drivers test?

Apparently he’s perfectly serious:

I just failed my drivers test. Now, I am trying to make a new date in PA and if anyone has any advice on how to make an appointment as soon as possible, that would GREATLY help. Now also, my dad has cancer and is going through chemo (its not too too bad, just really sad), and i want to work in a sympathy angle where i subtly mention it, but I can’t just come right out and say it. So I need your help to transition my words into mentioning this. Like if I said “wow I’m really nervous, i just need to drive my dad to chemo.” Something like that, but with a smoother transition, my dad said if helps me pass, do it.

“If you really cared about the old man, you’d try harder.” Which is the kind response; I wouldn’t blame the examiner for failing the little twerp for trying to influence him.

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