No one must ever know

Usually the guys who do this want to pretend that they wrote all that code. Then there’s this guy:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to remove template name from WordPress?

His motivations contain 50 percent more skulk:

I bought a WordPress template from a site for my business, and I want to know if there is a way to change the theme template name? I own a cafe and one of my competitors (who happens to be my ex-wife) figured out what template I’m using on my site and she bought the same template for her cafe site and now both of our sites look similar. I want to buy a new template but I want to know how I can prevent someone else learning what template I’m using. When someone goes to my site they are able to see what template I’m using when they look at the “Source Code” — how do I change that so the visitors (mainly my competition) can’t find out what template I’m using?

WordPress stores all the theme files in a themes/[theme name] directory; to conceal it would require rewriting every one of those files, plus all the code that connects to those files. It would almost be easier to write a theme from scratch, and there’s still the necessity of tweaking all that PHP. I’m thinking it might conceivably be done with a metric buttload of redirects, at the expense of speed: nothing makes people flee a site faster than lack of fastness.

Disabling right-click, which is where people usually try to View Source, is trivially easy via JavaScript. But it won’t do a thing to block, say, the Ctrl-U combination that Firefox devised.

And really, why did those two ever break up? They seem to be so perfect for each other in so many ways.

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Hard luck, your lordship

As Cher Horowitz might have said, “As if”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I had to purchase a transmission less than 2 months of getting the car. The vehicle was repossed today. Can i retrive my transmission?

Yeah, like they’re going to just hand it to you.

At the time Sandy, my second Mazda 626, was totaled out after meeting up with a doe on a rural road, she was wearing spiffy new high-performance tires with barely a thousand miles on them. $650 down the chute. C’est la vie.

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Future bum

Some people really object to the idea that life requires effort:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I make a millions of dollars?

I think we can safely assume he has no future as a bestselling author:

Every night I go sleep dreaming about driving rolls a rolls Royce, living in a huge house. I’m 18 I don’t want to grow up and do the exact same thing every day, get up go to work and go home I can’t do that.

And girls, I’ll just bet he’s single!

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Playing the Pathetic Card

Yet another bozo who thinks himself too clever by half:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I bring up that dad has cancer in my next drivers test?

Apparently he’s perfectly serious:

I just failed my drivers test. Now, I am trying to make a new date in PA and if anyone has any advice on how to make an appointment as soon as possible, that would GREATLY help. Now also, my dad has cancer and is going through chemo (its not too too bad, just really sad), and i want to work in a sympathy angle where i subtly mention it, but I can’t just come right out and say it. So I need your help to transition my words into mentioning this. Like if I said “wow I’m really nervous, i just need to drive my dad to chemo.” Something like that, but with a smoother transition, my dad said if helps me pass, do it.

“If you really cared about the old man, you’d try harder.” Which is the kind response; I wouldn’t blame the examiner for failing the little twerp for trying to influence him.

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Desperate for amusement

This guy clearly has no idea about the size of the task he proposes:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do i make the steering wheel in my friends car turn the back tires instead of the front tires?

That said, someone willing to go to that much trouble and expense just to prank a friend should probably be exiled to Lower Slobbovia, just as a precautionary measure.

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Furniturization

I think I understand this, but I can’t really be sure:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where are can buy small computer table and that must be compactly and not big?

I figure “compactly” is the inverse of “bigly.” Then again, I have never owned a “computer table”; I do, however, have a stupidly heavy desk. (The heaviness itself is not stupid, unless you’re actually moving the damned thing, which had to be disassembled to get it through the sharp angle at my front door.)

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Maximum dumbth

Warning light on dashboard? Who cares? It’s my sacred honor at stake:

My Mazda has the check engine light on but for one of the catalytic converters, But the light started to blink just about 2 hours ago. I was on the freeway and an Acura TL raced me. I hit around 105 before the transmission wouldn’t shift past 4th gear (automatic) and by this time I noticed the check engine light blinking. I began to slow down and the light kept blinking for around 5 seconds then stopped blinking and remained solid. My question is, is there anything I may have damaged other than the catalytic converter which was already damaged?

Your credibility, which will never, ever be repaired.

Seriously, what kind of stubby-fingered moron goes impromptu racing when he’s already facing a repair bill?

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Drawing attention

I have no idea what to make of this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I think my boyfriend is going to leave me for an anime character?

Argument in favor of the premise:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, recently he started getting interested in anime. It was all fine and stuff until he began getting obsessed with a character from Bleach named Orihime. I tried watching the show with him, but every time his “waifu” comes on screen he starts squealing and getting really excited and saying “LOOK, IT’S MY WAIFU” He always compares me to her, like the other night I asked him to do the dishes and he said “Orihime wouldn’t make me do the dishes.” And then proceeded to go back to watching Bleach. It’s gotten so bad that he won’t even cuddle me at night, he cuddles his body pillow with a picture of Orihime on it. And I think i’ve caught him masturbating to naked drawings of Orihime. I don’t understand what she has that I don’t, maybe it’s because she has bigger breasts than me. I don’t know what to do, anime is ruining our relationship. I just want my boyfriend back, please help.

First thought: Can you cook? Because Orihime surely can’t:

Her cooking style can be described as very bad, disgusting, or, more often strange to the point that aside from Rangiku Matsumoto, no one would think it delectable, and is one of the running jokes in the series.

But there may be no cure. And as Tara Strong, speaking voice of Twilight Sparkle, for whom I’d dump you in a Manehattan minute, has said: “It’s ok to be in love with an animated drawing as long as you understand they cannot put out.”

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Mere preference

I have been known to annoy Yahoo! Answers’ bevy of unpaid cultural critics — and if ever there were people who deserved to be unpaid, it’s those people — by restating their original statement: “Shorter version: How dare you like something I don’t like?”

Expand this beyond mere entertainment choices, and you have something like this:

I do think “virtues” — which are often things that require effort on a person’s part, and are often things that go unnoticed and unsung — are harder, and are not as visible in our culture right now — as “morals,” or at least the sort of “public morals” that allows a person to snark at another, unknown person because that person is fat. Or because that person smokes. Or because that person dresses badly. Or whatever. It can even devolve into true stupidity — Lynn talked the other day about “how everything becomes a little war” and it is, exhaustingly so, like that. Even down to the “best” flavor or brand of ice cream. Or what television shows (if any — and that’s a whole OTHER Western Front) are worth watching. And again: it’s easy for a person to justify their choices in life by running down someone else’s, or telling that person they are bad, stupid, or wrong for the choices they make. And I just want to wave my arms around like a demented Kermit the Frog and scream “STOP IT! STOP. IT.” Because it just makes everyone feel worse, and doesn’t actually solve any problems.

I have, more than once, defended my stance by saying “I’m sixty years old and don’t have to give a ruddy rat’s ass about anyone else’s opinions.” Which is true enough; the tragedy, perhaps, is that it didn’t occur to me to say something like that at twenty-two.

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Specialty headgear by Alcoa

Usually we make fun of the questions at Yahoo! Answers. But this answer was so utterly mockable, it deserves attention of its own. Get a whiff of this:

Russia will destroy Turkey and America. Move to Ural. (666 times 3)+(6 times 3) = 2016. Jews want war between Russia and Germany from June to October. Tube people = demons. Clones = demons. Human costumes that demons wear = demons. Dinosaurs and 666ed people have triple stranded DNA. Demons live inside clones. Bacteriologist Alexandre Yersin (who discovered Bubonic plague) is depicted on the Shroud of Turin. There is another shroud on which blasphemer Yosef (who was crucified on a pole in 1066 AD) is depicted. WW3 happens; 7% of people will be left; after people are tired of war, they will elect the antichrist as one world leader; don’t vote. ISIS stands for Israeli Secret Intelligence Service. Next false flag: Statue of Liberty. Move away from coasts as nukes will go off in the ocean (at where tectonic plates meet; result: megatsunamis 1km high). Earth is flat; stands on 3 pillars (the Most Holy Trinity); pillars stand on water at zero Kelvin. Zodiac is planetary prison of demons; don’t believe in horoscopes or you’ll exhibit the traits of the trapped demons. Most thoughts and dreams are from demons; demons never do good. Sleep fully clothed; pray the Jesus prayer. Pray to your guardian angel to have normal sleep. Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov was the last prophet before Enoch and Elijah return to preach against the antichrist. According to Ruski Orthodox Christian Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov: Humans were created about 7525 years ago.

Birds participate in time creation. It’s a sin to kill birds. Dinosaurs live under our level. They will get out through sinkholes and lakes. To kill them, go for their nerves. Save the birds; but kill the dinosaurs. First dinosaur will come out of Volga River in Russia. Demons grow human skin (from a sample taken during abduction) and put it on so as to look like us. Demons will invite people to be healed inside their UFOs; those who go will be like zombies after. Gov’t provides demons with diamonds and allows demons to abduct people. If you’re being abducted, slowly pray the Jesus prayer.

Don’t panic. Demons use diamonds and souls to power their UFO craft. The bigger the diamond, the more it lasts. Demons have 4 UFO bases: 1)Moon 2)Inside fake mountain Kailash in Tibet 3)In lake Baikal in Russia 4)In Atlantis which is underneath the Mariana Trench in Pacific Ocean. There are no aliens. Nobody lives on other planets. Airplanes that go down are hit by demons because they need the airspace to fight Jesus. Antichrist is pale with red eyes. He’s possessed by Satan since he’s 12 years old. He flies. He wears gloves to hide long nails. He’s surrounded by demons who appear as angels of light.

Don’t go into a UFO to be healed by demons. 666 is given by isotope rays on wrist or forehead when people stretch hands to receive small plastic grey card with no name on it (World Passport). Police will microchip and isotope ray people on highways. Food stores will isotope ray people too. Antichrist will also release prisoners to mark people. Reject 666 at all cost. If you’re about to be marked, pray the Jesus prayer. Hide with Orthodox Christians to escape 666; leave all electronics behind so that antichrist’s minions can’t track you. Give to charity in the name of Archangel Michael; he rescues people from hell twice a year (or brings them up a level, that is, to a level with less punishment; eventually, people are freed). Feed the pigeons; when pigeons bow down, people are saved from hell. Forgive me.

How do we know this is a freaking nutcase? Because the question was “What Were Some Of Your Top Favourite Albums of 2015?”

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DDIY

Which means, of course, “Don’t Do It Yourself.” If you ask questions like this, you will definitely qualify:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where are the spark plugs located on a 2000 Mustang gt 4.6 motor?

Now what are the chances that a person who can’t find spark plugs on his own will be able to service said plugs?

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Beyond “birthers”

Now here’s a losing loser who loses:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I change my birth certificate so that no one finds out I was born in a city with a Spanish, not Anglo-sounding name?

The justification offered for this is totally absurd:

I’m sorry, but this is a problem some of us face. I know a lot of fine people who have to cover up the fact that we were born in cities in the USA with Spanish names like San Francisco, Santa Barbara, San Diego, Santa Cruz, etc.

It is not refined. Places like Newport, New Haven, Manhattan, etc. are refined. I don’t want to be associated with a place that has a name derived from people who are Romanist in religion and whose colonies are not of the right social standing.

Update: Yes, but a birth certificate can be forged. Sorry, but I will not go through life with a birthplace associated with Roman Catholicism, spicy food, and antagonism towards the British Crown.

Shorter version: “My parents weren’t WASPs, therefore my life is ruined.”

Troll possibility: Rather high. Then again, someone who would go to this much trouble to come up with an incredibly stupid tale of woe doesn’t have much of a life anyway, by definition. Once I get the time machine working, I’m sending this doofus back to 1884.

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The feeling is almost certainly mutual

We’ve all seen better trolls than this, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is their an interplanetary dating site for those like me not interested in humans?

I was going to suggest to him “You might try looking up Uranus,” but I might need that line for something worthwhile some day.

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From the As If files

This character has big dreams and, one suspects, no way to make them come true:

What type of Web hosting plan would be good for a site that gets 100k visitors a day. Would a shared hosting plan be able to handle this much traffic or vpn or cloud hosting? Not very tech savvy, thank you.

A guy who evidently has never had a site of his own before expects a hundred thousand visitors a day. This is like trying to run HuffPo off Weebly.

I imagine the surfer dudes who host this site would gently, and then not so gently, suggest I move up from the $10-a-month plan if I started getting 100k visitors a day. (The most I’ve ever had on a single day was 13,636, on 12 May 2009, and at least 11,000 of those came from Instapundit.)

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Every existence has a bane

This isn’t mine, but it’s awfully damned close:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I create a free website with domain name?

We have produced an entire subculture of people who want things of value and who don’t want to pay for them. I really think the Prince of Darkness (curses be unto him) is going to have to build on an addition to hell to make room for them all.

Yeah, I hear you: “It’s probably just a kid.” Kids with no sense of propriety or property grow up to be adults with no sense of propriety or property. There aren’t enough roads to Damascus for all of them to wake up in time.

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What really matters

To this character, apparently it’s the ability to buy junk:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Will there be less sellers on ebay now due to all the flooding in north england?

No, really, he’s serious:

it just occurred to me, will there be less sellers to buy from now on ebay? … because of all the floods in north england? because no doubt there would of been a lot of sellers on ebay that are in the north of england? … so with their homes being flooded out and them losing all of their possessions … will we have less sellers on ebay to buy from now?

I’d say something to the effect that “it’s ‘fewer,’ not ‘less’ sellers,” but the presence of “would of” tells me that the trajectory of that statement would clear his scalp by several meters.

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Well, he started it

Let us stipulate that the average car alarm produces far more noise than it does actual security. That said, this guy is still an asshat:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why should i have to pay the damages of my neighbor's car if its because their car alarm was going off?

Justification offered:

So my neighbor’s car was going off for 5 minutes but they didn’t come out to turn it off.

So i tried screaming at it to stop and started throwing things at it for it to shut up! it was disturbing me and the rest of the neighbors.

then my neighbor finally comes outside and turns it off and now he wants to take me to court for damaging his car’s windshield

it was his fault! why should have to pay the damages?

The mere fact that this shlub started screaming at it speaks volumes as to his lack of clue.

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Troll level: prodigious

It’s all a conspiracy, says this guy who definitely ought not to give his name:

Before anyone asks, I do believe that computers exist because I am currently using one. We are just being lied to about how they work. We are told that computers use quantum mechanics and the laws of electricity to work but those are all built on Newtonian laws which are wrong.

In a computer everything is connected to the magical and illusive “CPU”. Nobody can explain how it works and we are expected to believe that all computing is done in some magical silicon chip the size of a fingernail. Have you ever tried to break into a CPU? Even a hack saw can’t penetrate that case, it’s as if they are trying to hide something. These companies have a lot of secrecy surrounding them, which is definitely suspicious. I have looked it up and it turns out that Intel and other “tech” companies are censoring this stuff from the Internet because they don’t want us to know it.

Only living things can think and reason, inanimate objects like rocks cannot think and reason. So why is it that computers, which we are told are inanimate, can think and reason? It just doesn’t add up. If you ask a rock what 2+2 is then it wouldn’t do anything but if I hold the home button and ask Siri what 2+2 is IT will respond “4”. Aperently the Wizards at Intel can use fictional physics to defy nature and people actually buy into that crap.

Just wanted to note here that I have broken into CPUs, sometimes intentionally.

So how do computers work? It’s a lot simpler then the mess of wires and magical microscopic switches Intel wants you to think is there. They trap spirits and force them to do a bunch of logic. Have you ever wondered why programming is called “programming theory”? If people invented programming as we are lead to believe then why is it just a theory? Answer: because they didn’t invent programming and in reality it’s the language spirits speak. I still can’t believe that people don’t question it when Intel says that machines can read, understand what it read, and do what it’s told. They say that computers always do what they are told but inanimate objects don’t do that, if you don’t believe me then tell stick to throw it’s self to you and tell a gun to shoot you. They won’t do it because they are inanimate objects, but the little squares of silicon Intel makes aperently defy this and they will do your taxes and pay your bills for you if you want. What a joke.

Here is some more suspicious stuff about “computers” that prove that we are being lied to:

Every “CPU” is slightly different in speed and we are told that it’s because their precise and consistent manufacturing process is making little mistakes and that somehow effects the speed. They are using machines to precisely make new “machines”, so shouldn’t these CPU’s rolling off the assembly line all be identical? In a car assembly line you don’t see cars that can naturally go twice as fast as another for no apparent reason. Clearly this variation is coming from the diversity of spirits they are using.

Also, why would a computer need power if it does no physical work? It makes no sense. In reality they use the power to help contain spirits and punish insubordinate ones.

It would be nice, I suppose, if this blithering hosehead found a way to make his mysterious computer do spellcheck: “aperently” doesn’t work, though apparently he can spell “apparent.” I’d almost be tempted to sic @SwiftOnSecurity on him, but I’m sure she has better (and likely more remunerative) things to do with her time.

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Road ending prematurely

Cars in the scrapyard often end up crushed. Some of them end up there because of crushing debt:

According to a recent PEW study [pdf], one out of every nine title loans results in a repossession, with the titled vehicle eventually heading to auction.

And after that, maybe the car finds a new home, but maybe not:

One vehicle, a 1995 Chevrolet Blazer, currently shows 271,285 miles. Pulling up its history, we see it shows up at auction in December 2011 with 199,683 miles, then it’s sold with a lien attached in February 2013. Since it had almost 200,000 miles at the time, it is highly unlikely any traditional lending institution would have written a loan for it, meaning this loan was almost certainly processed by a subprime lender. The February sale comes during one of the bigger months for subprime and “Buy Here Pay Here” dealers as many potential customers are receiving tax returns that can give them enough money for a down payment on a new-to-them car.

The Blazer’s owner was immediately in the hole since they were likely taking out a loan with an annual percentage rate of 30 percent for a vehicle that was only worth its weight in scrap. We see three more liens reported on the vehicle with the last one hitting in October of this year. The vehicle’s owner could have taken out multiple title loans or refinanced his loan, the last one being too expensive to cover. Since the vehicle was not worth more than $300 or $400, they would have only been able to get a loan for $150 or so, which would have cost them double or triple the original amount once interest was added. The owner may have been in a tight situation or the car could have broken down, making default a more affordable proposition. Due to the mileage and condition, [the] next stop for this Blazer is likely a salvage yard.

Five will get you ten the guy who bought this Blazer in 2013 went scurrying to Yahoo! Answers to see if there was a chance he could plunge himself further into debt to get himself something newer. Not that it matters what anyone actually told him. (I started suggesting that people start pricing bus passes, a practice some would dub cruel and insensitive.)

Most of the other cars I checked on the run list followed a similar path where they spent a few years in the mainstream market before ending up at a subprime dealer. Some of them experience accidents that should leave them with a branded title, but there are loopholes that allow the title to be washed. Others live a long life with their first owners before reaching the subprime market. The second and third owners of these vehicles are usually underwater as soon as they buy the vehicle and the title loans just put them further into debt.

That Blazer, says the intrepid reporter, was “not worth more than $300 or $400.” What would a BHPH dealer have sold it for? I’m guessing $1999.

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If I only had a piano

I have managed to get about 200 actual posts, and God knows how many tweets, out of Yahoo! Answers. But I never got anything like this:

Well played (and sung), guys.

(Via HelloGiggles.)

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