No fourth-graders were available

Had there been, we likely wouldn’t have seen this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I have used 0.01 GB out of 2 GB. How many GB do I have left?

I suppose she was told there would be no math.

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We demand more flesh

No, no, a thousand times no:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I report someone on Instagram for not showing enough skin?

Masturbator wants more material:

Theres this girl who has super nice feet and nice legs and belly, but her photos are like … super boring. she only has like 4 decent photos (out of like 500 or more).

Is it possible to report her so Instagram gives her a strike and force her to upload sexier/revealing photos?

I think we may safely assume this chap is destined for perpetual virginity.

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Truly, timing is everything

The only thing surprising about this, if you ask me, is that it showed up on Facebook rather than on Yahoo! Answers.

Photo of a timing belt installed incorrectly

(Via Country & Ford.)

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The bigot underneath

On the face of it, this would seem to be a perfectly reasonable question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Do people buy Chevrolets, Fords, and Chrysler vehicles because they are so reliable, long lasting, and well engineered?

But he let it slip in his “update”:

whenever i see someone driving a new chevrolet, i think…someone that ‘loves America” and probably hates immigrants and muslims, apple pie, country music and most likely a church going christian?

Well, whenever I see someone writing this, I think I’m dealing with a thickheaded Pajama Boy, or worse, who has never seen anything of the real world and wouldn’t learn anything from it if he did. He probably cried his little heart out when the Wicked Witch of Chappaqua failed to steal the White House.

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Troll level: hitchhiker

This is just colossally dumb:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I have a honda crx dohc zc1 engine is it okay to put half a quart less engine oil to save engine drag and get more horse power

This is not quite as intelligent, as, say, substituting Clorox for Metamucil. Still, I sort of want to encourage the guy so he’ll ruin his car faster.

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Paranoia for beginners

I defy anyone to read this whole thing without busting out laughing. Here’s the question:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: 
How do I view content that was blocked by my ISP?

And here’s the rest of it:

I believe my ISP is actively filtering out certain materials from being viewed from my Internet service that could have been used as evidence by me in getting some other people prosecuted for slandering my name and image since 2010. I have had lies spread to neighbouring suburbs and businesses well before I signed up for a broadband service from one of my ISPs shop front located in a suburb where lies have spread to.

I am unable to locate chain-posts containing lies and pictures about me that random people have taken after bullying me, but the treatment I get out in public looks very much like someone has been posting lies about me while people choosing to believe in these lies and bully me are taking photos of me and publishing them somewhere (there’s always a trend of random bullying each time someone successfully takes a photo of me)

This is apparently what it’s like to be off one’s meds.

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Specsmanship

Only one of these numbers is at all relevant:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: On the autobahn, can a g37x sedan keep up(pacing)with other high performance vehicles(Amgs, m series, Audi rs, Porsche, Ferrari)?

Justifications, so to speak:

The car is a 2013 g37 x Sedan the car has a 7 speed automatic transmission. The car is in physically and mechanically in good condition and is easily capable of doing over 110 mph on highways that are legally limited to as high as 75 mph. The performance on this car seems phenomenal and seems to have really good handling capabilities at extremely speeds(150 mph or more).

Anyways the car has
-328 hp, 269ftlbs of torque
3.7 liter v6 naturally aspirated
0-60 in 5.4 sec
Has awd
Speed is limited up to 155 mph

My real question is based on the performance of this car, does it have what it takes(performance) to compete against other high end sports(like the ones I mentioned above) or would it be left in the dust?

If so, could it AT LEAST KEEP PACE WITH THEM?

Also can the g37x sustain speeds of 140 mph or would the engine blow up? Would adding a heavy duty radiator cooler, better tires, stiffer suspensions and an intake filter help it?

Note that he has no idea whether this Infiniti actually has “really good handling capabilities at extremely [sic] speeds.”

But none of this is relevant in the light of this one line:

Speed is limited up to 155 mph

Those other guys? Not limited to 155 mph. What do you think would happen, assuming there’s enough space on the autobahn to allow this kind of boy-racer fantasy?

This has to be either a bar bet, or a 15-year-old who dreams that the parental units are going to get him this car and who will be threatening suicide when they come home with something appropriate to his capabilities — say, a ’99 Toyota Corolla.

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Troll level: average

Credit for keeping a straight face, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why doesn't Elliot Rodger upload anymore?

Further:

I used to watch his videos but the supreme gentleman hasn’t uploaded since 2014! Has he quit YouTube?

Um, not exactly. The creepy little weirdo, in his one act of true selflessness, turned the gun on himself. So the guy with the first answer to this question was correct: “No wifi in hell.”

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Maximum wrongness

This is just so wrong on so many levels:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I replace the engine in a modern vehicle with a 1940 Cadillac V16 engine and not be subject to an emissions inspection?

Um, no, no, and once again no. You have to meet the emissions spec for the vehicle’s model year, irrespective of engine. This boat anchor weighs nearly as much as the two straight-eights from which it was derived, which will screw up your suspension something fierce. And today there are contemporary fours that put out more power than the low-revving Caddy sixteen while drinking far less fuel.

Let’s hope this is a troll, because if someone that stupid is out there … but never mind, let’s not even think about that.

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Plangent commentary

Me, I mock Yahoo! Answers users one at a time. Others, more industrious, make it up in volume:

The opposite of eugenics must be whatever encourages these losers to reproduce.

(Via Miss Cellania.)

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Hyperoverextended

Yahoo! Answers is good for at least half a dozen of these a week:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I am stuck in a car loan and can't afford the payments how can I get out of the loan early?

The gory details:

I have a 2014 mustang and the payments are 400 a month. I owe around 19000 on it. I need help finding a way to get rid of it as soon as possible. Thanks

If he’s lucky, he might get $14,000 for it, in which case he needs to scrape up $5000, sell the ‘Stang, and turn over the proceeds to the lender. Problem solved. It’s not the solution he wants, but it’s the solution that actually works.

Of course, there’s always Chapter 7, which has, shall we say, certain disadvantages.

But what bothers me is the blithe assumption that there’s some way to “get out of the loan early” without serious consequences. Life doesn’t work quite that way. (At least, it never has for me, and I admit to occasional bouts of presumptuousness.) Unfortunately, a substantial sector of automotive retailing is reliant upon luring people with no money into the showrooms.

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The opposite of new-car smell

I don’t really blame this guy for taking the Anonymous option:

Can an insurance company sell a salvaged car if someone died in it, and if so, do they have to tell you?

Now houses, that’s a whole ‘nother matter:

In California, sellers must reveal if a death in the home has occurred anytime in the past three years, including death by natural causes (although certain types of deaths, like those from AIDS, cannot be disclosed). And if a buyer comes out and asks about a death that occurred at any time, even longer than three years ago, the seller is required to provide a truthful response.

I submit that there are going to be times when “How the hell do I know?” is the most truthful response available.

In Alaska and South Dakota, only murders or suicides must be disclosed if they happened within the past year. In other states the laws are less black and white; a seller may need to disclose the information only if a buyer asks.

Still, we’re talking houses. Cars? Nobody gives a damn, except this poor, superstitious soul. I can say only that it’s entirely possible for a car to be totaled, rebuilt and resold without anyone having died in it.

Now if it smells like someone died in it within the last couple of days, maybe there’s a reason to inquire.

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Poor, poor, pitiful she

“Why does nobody follow my social media?” she wails:

Well I tell a little lie, I do get a few followers now and then, on Instagram, Twitter and so on, I don’t use Facebook anymore, but I don’t have as many as some people and when I do get followers, they don’t even appreciate what I have to post, otherwise what was the point in them following me in the first place? I don’t what I’m doing wrong. Everyone else just seems to have it easy. They can get away with posting selfies of themselves and gets lots of likes and comments for them, I’ve never gotten anything like that in my life. I think I must come off as fake to people. But nothing about me is fake at all, whatever I post is true to what is happening in my life in the present moment. People seem to be inspired by others’ happiness but my own. Say I post a picture of me smiling, nobody gives a damn. It doesn’t feel fair. I’m a human being too with interests, passions and hobbies like everyone else.

I’ve always assumed that my vast social-media following has been due to my mad grammar skillz.

Still, this is worrisome, because someone who thinks she’s entitled to X amount of attention on screen probably thinks she’s entitled to comparable levels of attention in Real Life. Of such is madness born.

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Just gimme the answer

A subtle question, made less so by its conditions:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: When do you become an adult? This is a topic for my University essay and i want to know the answer from that point of view?

In other words, he wants the answer they’re presumably looking for.

And just in case you were in doubt about that:

Pls dont use google for answering it since my teachers will check if i used google or not i need creative ideas

At the very least, this would seem to constitute an admission that his own ideas are not creative, though I suspect “He’s a lazy pillock” would probably be accepted as an alternative explanation.

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Dashing dreams as we go

Welcome to Perennial Disappointment:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How much money do I need to make a year to afford a bmw i8?

This tells you one thing right up front: the dreamer wants to finance this purchase, because paying cash up front is obviously not happening. The base price (including destination charge) for the i8 is, as of this writing, $137,450. Thirty grand down and $2800 a month? Not for someone making nine bucks an hour as a shop clerk.

I see several of these every week, and they all sound the same:

I’m A guy who is Dreaming to own a Lamborghini Aventador. The price of Lamborghini Aventador is about $600,000. Can I pay 600,000$ for 10 years monthly? Which is about 5,000$/month. Or Do I have to pay everything when I’m buying Lambo?

What in this paragraph might make you think it’s at all possible for this yutz to own anything beyond a ten-year-old Toyota Corolla?

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Loud, uninformed consumer

I don’t really blame this yutz for insisting on anonymity:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Sue a car dealership on false information?

I helped buy my oldest son buy a new car from the dealer. When he finally decided on a car he really like I told him I would help me buy it since he earned it (which is the case here) anyways, he picked a 2010 Lexus LS which was over 30k. When we went to see the car and bought the car the dealership assured us that there was NO OPEN RECALLS on the car and was in perfect conditions and had no previous accident. So we ended up getting the car. After 2 weeks of purchasing the car my son was at school driving home. Before exiting the school campus his car stopped! Luckly no car was behind him. The whole Gasoline started to leak and the campus security had to put my son to safety since his car was causing a hazardous situation. After looking up apparently there IS AN OPEN RECALL! While all the papers were sign by or part and the dealership I have proof the dealership signed that there was no OPEN recalls. I’m so angry since it put my son in a risky situation. My question is would I be able to sue the dealership?

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when this suit is thrown out. And it will be. A trip to nhtsa.gov reveals that there have been no recalls on the 2010 LS. Nor are the complaints (all two of them) at all related to this phenomenon. So the dealer was correct, and Aggrieved Parent can go stuff it up her single exhaust. (Good thing it isn’t dual.)

I posted exactly that paragraph, minus some formatting, to the actual question, hoping more than usual that the perpetrator will be embarrassed. Probably not going to happen: some people are beyond any level of shame.

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A reprehensible little twerp

Cue Phil Collins intoning “You’re no son of mine”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to temporarily freeze the odometer on a 2000 dodge dakota

Odometer tampering is of course illegal. Is this nimrod trying to sell the truck? Nothing so normal:

I got into a bit of trouble (I’m 17), and my parents are taking my truck away for two weeks. My dad knows the exact mileage on the truck. I drive a 2000 dodge dakota sport, 2.2 liter engine, single cab, 5 speed transmission. The odometer is digital. How can I rig the truck so it shows the same amount of miles on the odometer, rather than just pulling the fuse to the cluster and it not showing anything. It needs to look like I haven’t driven it, if I decide to drive it. All help is appreciated!

And don’t try to talk him out of this scheme, either:

Ps: Please don’t tell me not to drive the truck against my parent’s will. It won’t stop me.

Little shit has a future as a political consultant, if he’s not beaten to death first.

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Autoparanoia

This guy can’t understand how such a thing could possibly happen:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I don't know if parts were replaced with worse ones while it sat in parking lot at a service center

Makes no sense? Neither will this:

good parts could have been taken off the car while it sat outside at a service center because it’s hard to believe it when they weren’t bad before they are bad now when the car was just towed to have the transmission work done. It’s registration time in one day and it won’t run to put the millage on the car to pass emissions.

Well, “Alan,” if that is your real name, why in the world would a service center work on parts without getting paid for that work? The markup on parts isn’t anywhere near enough to justify spending all that time to swipe them. And how do you know they weren’t bad before? The transmission failure would have drawn far more attention at the time.

Shut up and pay the man. Then go back to Walgreen’s — there’s one near you — and get your anti-paranoia meds refilled.

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Out of the mass market

Mercury sold nearly 66,000 cars with a Monterey badge in 1966. Most of them are gone. Not that the remaining owners necessarily understand that:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where can I find a good Radiator for a 1966 Mercury Monterey without paying big bucks!?? I've searched almost every parts site, but no luck

I will never understand these folks who think all auto parts, even for 50-year-old models, should be right there at the corner parts store and should sell for no more than $19.99.

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Because everything is on the Internet

Darnisha asks:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is Nathan cooksey in merced can cheating on darnisha Richardson?

I’m not sure which is worse: that she asked this in the first place, or that she asked it in Cars & Transportation/Maintenance & Repairs.

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