The usual two chances

Which, you’ll remember, are “slim” and “none”:

Yahoo! Answers screenshot: I want Ferrari and beautiful girl. What to do?

It’s a safe bet he can’t afford the maintenance — and the car is even worse.

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Manger contains 1 dog

“I can’t use it, but I don’t want anyone else to use it either”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: My Domain name is expiring in 3 days, what should i do?

The scoop:

In 3 days my domain name will be expiring but i dont want to renew it as it costs too much. Any ideas what i can do with my domain name ? i dont want it to let it expire. As i cant sell it in 2days, if you have any ideas please tell me, if quick selling idea you have, then tell me. It is .me domain, but it is very good domain name (a top level)

About one out of every umpteen bazillion domains has a resale value higher than the cost of the original registration. Evidently this character thinks it’s worth more than that, but he says he can’t pony up for the renewal fee. (WordPress offers username.me domains for something like $25 a year, so I’m betting this is not some enormous sum.) Cue the world’s smallest violin.

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Scrupuloose

It’s exceedingly hard not to laugh at this character:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is Customfakeidcards21@yahoo.com legit?

The sordid story:

I ordered 2 IDs from them for 250$ and they said they got my order and they took the money from the card immediately. They still replied back after they took the money saying they will send pictures before they send it out.

I figure he’s taking Chutzpah 101 and needs this for his lab requirement. (At the 200 level, you have to return used burglar’s tools for warranty replacement.)

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Babe magnets, how do they work?

I really hate to dash anyone’s hopes — no, really, I do — but I don’t think this will end well:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I am a 27 year old black male and drive a 2007 glacier pearl white nissan murano sl. am I going to get ladies?

It’s not entirely stock, either:

It has tints and a mesh grille and a black hood deflector instead

James, my man, I hate to break it to you, but the woman who falls for you because of your wheels won’t last beyond a couple of oil changes. Sorry.

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You put the cam on the coconut

From the Advice Wanted files:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What is a good car to buy if I'm going to race?  I'm looking for a good car I can built and race. Don't say a Nilsson civic cuz I hate those.

“Nilsson civic”?

“Everybody’s gawking at me
Can’t hear a word they’re saying
Over my fart-can exhaust.”

(With apologies to Fred Neil.)

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Your basic blowhard

A bad idea with, possibly, a worse justification:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where can I find an adapter to use a can of automotive R-134a refrigerant as a computer duster?

The argument, such as it is:

I know that R-134a sold for use in auto A/C systems is more expensive ounce-for-ounce, but it would be well worth the extra cost if it means I don’t have to get denatonium bitterant all over my hands when I dust stuff off. Those damn kids who decided to huff it ruined it for the rest of us, and now they put that crap in duster cans, making innocent users suffer as a result. I don’t care where the adapter comes from, as long as it works with the cans of R-134a you see at the auto parts stores.

This is the point where we run into the actual EPA regulations on R-134a, which say that it’s illegal to vent the stuff into the atmosphere “during any service, maintenance, repair or disposal of an appliance.” Is a computer an “appliance”? I rather suspect EPA is not above declaring a computer an “appliance” should they wish to get, um, huffy.

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Forever twelve

Well, maybe eleven:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Do you know anyone who has seen a fully 100% naked women in real life?

Um, yeah, but I’m not quite sure how to respond to this:

Amd if so was it cool or totally hectic!?

The two reactions are not mutually exclusive.

Oh, there’s one more question:

And also how do you get more twitter followers?

Avoiding questions about naked women has worked pretty well for me.

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Permanent adolescence

There is just so much wrong with this scenario:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: If I made 80K a year lived at home with my parents, had zero bills could I afford a used Lamborghini Gallardo?

That first $25,000 engine rebuild ought to discourage him, but it won’t.

The temptation is to conclude that this guy believes with all his glands that he’s never going to get laid unless he has an exotic car. Of course, living in the parental units’ basement pretty much assures a state of perpetual virginity anyway, and besides he’s Canadian — says so elsewhere on the page — so I’m putting aside my speculation that he’s hard up for health insurance.

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Try it and see

Or if you’d rather not, well, the answer is No:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can you drive without a fuel line?

In case you were wondering:

I don’t know much about cars. It is a 91 Honda Accord. The fuel line is bad. Can I drive the car without it or can I just drive with it until I can get a new one?

There’s always the chance that we’re being trolled, but this sounds too cosmically dumb.

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Cents and sensibility

More of the former than the latter in this case:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I pay my car payment in pennies?

Justification:

I recently purchased my first vehicle from a used car lot in LeFlore County Oklahoma. They promised me it would be a great truck for the price and will not fail me when driving to and from work. The 2nd day I had it the brakes went out, and one week after I drove it off the lot, it broke down for the first time. It has now broken down 4 times, and this last time the rear differential locked up on me ($500 for the part) I’ve owned the truck for 2 weeks now. I signed papers that said ‘As is’ and ‘No Warranty’ My first payment is coming up and is $250 and I wanted to pay in pennies. I put $2000 down. Do they have to accept my payment even if its in pennies? is there any way I can send it through the mail so I dont have to sit at the office while they count it all? These guys are real scumbags that cheat any ol person dumb enough to buy a used vehicle from them (me)

“Send it through the mail”? Twenty-five thousand pennies at 2.5 grams each = about 138 pounds. It’s going to take several trips to the Post Office. Good thing there’s a truck available.

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Attaining a grasp of the obvious

Admittedly, some of us are better at it than others:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I'm buying a 94 geo prizm but it don't have a starter do that mean it wont start?

Perhaps he should ask the ever-lovin’ 8-ball.

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Maintaining the escape vehicle

You’ve heard of drama queens? Here’s a jack, or maybe the nine of clubs:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it possible to flee from a cop chasing you if you overfill your windshield washer fluid box?

No, he says he’s serious:

I do not have any coolant nor oil. All I have is windshield washer fluid. Will I be able to get away long before my vehicle stalls on me?

I only had a few dollars so I had to buy windshield washer fluid and fill it up before my engine overheats.

I did not have enough money to buy all 3 fluids, so I made sure that I bought windshield washer fluid because I had none because it was empty.

Would I be able to elude 200 miles off into the distance as long as my windshield washer fluid box if full?

And in case you missed it the first time:

ONCE AGAIN, MY WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID BOX WAS EMPTY AND I HAD TO REFILL IT IMMEDIATELY AND I ONLY HAD A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, SO THEREFORE, I WAS NOT ABLE TO GET COOLANT NOR OIL BECAUSE OF IT!!!

Based on your reading of the above, how much Thorazine does this guy need?

  1. 10 mg.
  2. 20 mg.
  3. 40 mg.
  4. 80 mg.
  5. Enough to turn his brain pan into a wok.

Yeah, I know; that’s just the way they troll. I live in the hope that these people can get, if not the help they need, at least the hardware failures we’d appreciate.

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Multiple offenses

Against the eye, if nothing else:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can i put 22 rims on 2007 monte carlo with no problem?

Fortunately, someone has dealt with this chap with dispatch:

I believe you can only put 4 rims on it. Not sure about 22 of them.

Were it possible, some jerk would try. Count on it.

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Every pirate on earth rolled into one

Is there any rationalization this guy might have missed?

Soooooo… I’m looking for the best way to download torrents I keep getting those pesky letters from Verizon saying that we have been involved in piracy. so they slow down our network speeds and I have had so many at this point they could possibly kick us off of their service permanently… and I really enjoy Verizons services.. I hate buying music just generally because It always ends up getting deleted at some point in the future via computer crash or having to restore a computer or internal/external hard drives becoming corrupt then I have to buy the stuff all over again.. and some albums you cant find unless you torrent them. so bottom line is I need the best way to hide my IP address. be it a proxy of some sort or whatever is best. but it MUST BE FULL PROOF!!!! I use vuze. and I have good antivirus and anti spyware programs so Im not concerned about getting bugs.

Oh, and musicians never, ever object to being ripped off:

Music isnt about money. It should never be about money.. music is art and expression and reaching out to people via that art or expression I didnt ask for your two cents on How what I am doing is wrong If I were an artist I wouldnt give two craps if people downloaded my music illegally as long as people were listening to it and getting something out of it. music is about changing lives and for enjoyment go listen to some immortal technique. He verbally expresses he would boot his own music to reach listeners… Also these people make millions on tours and gear that they sell. I doubt its gonna effect their sails that much if I download some of their music illegally

Since there’s basically no chance this yutz is living on his own and paying his own bills, I’m envisioning a scene in which his mom confiscates his computer:

“Where are you going with that?”

“Just reaching out to people and changing some lives. Surely you can’t object to that.”

And the door closes.

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Underdrive

The truth will be painful, but it must be spoken:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why doesn't my automatic car not hit 5th gear?

We’ll ignore the double negative and read on:

Hello, I have a 2012 corolla. It has 30,000 miles in it. I’ve noticed that whenever i drive it never hits 5th gear and it just stays at 4th and it will get up past 3,000 rpm without shifting while keeping a constant shift. I heard it may be the overdrive button but i don’t know where to find it in my car. Please help. Thank you.

The overdrive button is almost certainly on the shift lever. But the key here is “2012 Corolla,” which was sold with a four-speed automatic. There’s no fifth gear for it not to hit.

I’d hate like hell to find this out at 30,000 miles, but not as much as I’d hate not finding it out at all.

And yes, this is probably in the owner’s manual, but I’m beginning to think that people throw it away the moment they leave the dealer’s lot.

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Sea shells? See shore

Modest aspirations, these, or maybe not:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I want to create a website for creating websites. like people can create website directly using that website?

Oh, he could probably do it, but I’d hate to see the documentation, which would inevitably read something like this:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Fast and frivolous

This may have all the plausibility of the Penthouse Forum, but trust me, this really came from Yahoo (now with no exclamation point!) Answers:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where can i buy a powerful clutch for an R34 Skyline in the US?

Continuing:

I was in my R34 last night on a long back road going for a top speed run and see how fast my car can go and see how far i can jump the bridge at the end of the road, so i was a mile from the bridge and i was going 205 MPH and it was in 6th gear and i had the Nitrous activated, after i got the nos blasted i jumped the bridge about 30 yards but when i landed, i heard a loud crash and i immediately started shifting down, i got out and there was smoke everywhere and my heart was pounding, i thought i blew the motor but i looked under the car and saw that i blew the clutch out, its a Fluke racing clutch that can handle the power my car has but since its out, i need a new one, where can i get a clutch for an R34 Skyline in the US?

How many actual R34s are there in the States? Pretty damned few.

An actual Nissan tech responded as politely as he could without going into guffaws.

And if the clutch could handle that much power, wouldn’t it still be there?

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The shiftless mind at work

Something — all right, everything — tells me that she didn’t think this all the way through:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: When it comes to the Infiniti g35 coupe, is manual better than automatic?

“Better”?

And furthermore:

I don’t want opinions. I want facts, please.

I gave her a by-God fact, you may be sure.

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Respect my butthurt

Once again, we have someone unclear on the concept:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Find a anonymous ask.fm ip address?

Continuing:

Someone asked me a question on ask.fm and its pissing me off because i don’t know who it is.. I know how to find IP addresses and all but I don’t have a computer that can download programs ( I have an Acer C720 Chromebook and It only runs on Google Chrome software so..) I know how to find IP addresses but I need to know who this person is. I also know about the whole “block them and in a few days you’ll see the user” but I don’t want to wait and I don’t want to block anyone. Is there a way I can find out who the person is by only using Google Chrome?

It occurs to me that if you don’t want to be asked things, you probably shouldn’t be hanging around ask.fm, but maybe that’s just me.

And what are the chances that this character actually knows “how to find IP addresses,” or what to do with them once they’re found? I mean, if you consider this some sort of Vital Skill, it’s ludicrous in the extreme to confine yourself to a machine that you think won’t do it.

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December here, has anyone seen May?

I was just about to type “Twenty-nine, of course” as an answer to this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Men .. What age is a female most attractive in terms of sexual appeal?

She (I assume it’s “she”) continues:

You know how they say that older men in their 40′s and 50′s, in general, prefere younger women for sex/relationships?

Well how much younger do they tend to prefere if they could have any?

If you were a man in your 40′s / 50′s and could have any age woman who was childless what age would be your ideal?

Or would it depend on whether you just wanted sex or a relationship?

Out of interes please state your age?

No longer being in my 40s/50s, I stopped typing. And despite being 60, I still have a memory, so I recalled once — actually, more than once — having pointed out before that someone 31 years my junior should not be on my romantic radar.

Someone did point out to the questioner the existence of the standard rule in such matters: “half your age plus seven.” I am not sure, however, if this applies equally to men and women; is a 50ish woman on solid social ground if she aims her sights on a chap of 32? At one level, I want to say “Of course she is, you moron,” but I have a feeling that she’d be skewered by society for so doing, while a guy robbing the cradle never comes close to getting probation.

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