Dumping foreseen

You know how they’re always saying “Don’t be that guy”? This is a guy you don’t want to be:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I need some pics of girls to prove to my girlfriend that I'm experienced with getting nudes of girls. She wont send em without proof. Help!?

I’m guessing she’s already figured out that this guy contains a significant percentage of weasel DNA.

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Underage skullduggery

WTF is going down here?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Text messages photoshop fake?

And this is the conversation he wants faked:

The picture attached is the format I would prefer. Please make the name “Alex” , My first text: “Hi, Can you still get a 12 pack for Monday?” Alex’s text: “sure, £15?”. My text: “kk, 10:30am on your street cya there” Thanks!

The format is presumably phone-specific but is otherwise of no interest. The only possibility that occurs to me is some sixteen-year-old stomping his foot in front of his friends and declaring “I can so get beer.”

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All right, out of the gene pool

As asshats go, this guy qualifies at least as Sombrero of the Sphincter:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to make other drivers mad on the road?

Further evidence of dementia:

I need some ideas on how to make some drivers angry on the road tomorrow. I will be driving through county roads, one-lane. I love it when they flip me off, tailgate me and do those crazy hand gestures (trucks too).

I want to see how much he loves it when one of them points a shotgun at him.

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Noise disabatement

This nimrod showed up yesterday exhibiting both a lack of taste and a lack of patience:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: five variations on I have a Dodge Ram 1500 2wd regular cab. What can I do to it to make it sound good and loud

If he comes back next week asking for stereo advice, well, God help him. Because I won’t.

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It’s those damn one-percenters again

Paranoia, as Mr. Stills used to say, strikes deep:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Since there are still millions of people world wide still using windows XP have they not been left high and dry?

And guess who did the leaving?

by the likes of Facebook, microsft outlook and many others, just because they are not able to afford the most up to-date machines to surf the web securly, and will it soon be only the wealthy and large corperations that will be able to so, and is that the plan for speeding up the net by reducing the traffic

Obviously our questioner doesn’t read anybody else’s questions, because the place is just jam-packed full of doofi who got their brand-new and presumably up-to-date machines loaded up with malware in the first 48 hours. “Securly?” Ha.

For what it’s worth, in the desktop/laptop market, XP still commands about a 12-percent share, though several years back it was estimated that 25 to 35 percent of XP installations were pirated.

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Aw, ya big lug

I don’t like the idea of an utterly carless future, but I am forced to concede that never seeing anything like this again will provide one tiny sliver of consolation:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I put rims with 6 lugs on a Chevrolet Tahoe that has 5 lugs on the wheel assembly?

The only thing we really want to know here is “Did he already buy the wrong wheels?”

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Must have a death wish

Certainly for his site, and possibly for himself:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is there an HTML/CSS code that prevents a user from navigating away from a web page until after 1 minute?

“Preferably no alerts,” he says.

On the upside, all his visitors will be unique and new: he’s never going to get a repeat visitor. (Well, okay, he might, in the specific context of “Hey, look what this asshole did!”)

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Hey, seize this, pal

Taste considerations obviously don’t enter into it:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Wording a warning message for people with Epilepsy on a Tumblr blog with a rainbow-colored flashing background?

And apparently it’s just this short of a done deal:

I already have the Java Script and everything, I just don’t know how to write the warning in a professional way.

Like there’s anything “professional” about a rainbow-colored flashing background to begin with. How about an autostart audio file to make it worse?

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Too lazy to cut and paste

Even the plagiarists are becoming indolent:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is there a website online that will summarize text for free and make it like its in my own words?

Not only must it do the rewrite job for him, but it must do it for free. A three-toed sloth is Usain Bolt next to this clod.

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The more things change

Why there will always be a market for the fake ID:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it possile to automatically run through date of birth questions?

Explanation? Of course:

I’ve been locked out of my playstation account because I forgot what I put in for my date of birth. Is it possible to create something to automatically put in every date until it finds the correct one?

The only way this could be more delicious would be if Sony demanded a copy of the pertinent birth certificate before allowing reentry.

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Nothing to dye for

I’m assuming here that the questioner is very young and likely more familiar with the vernacular than with that which it describes:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is it normal that the rug doesn t match the drapes?

To clarify:

(I grew pubes since a few months ago already and while I have long light blond hair, they are rather brown … Is there something wrong?)

The answer I might have wanted to give, fortunately, has already been served up:

No. Your drapes are exposed to sunlight and fade. The rug isn’t.

I suppose this could be tested experimentally, but local laws might be an obstacle.

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Just a tad ungrounded

A lot of people undertake DIY projects which, in retrospect, should have been outsourced to someone who knows what the hell she’s doing. I suspect that’s the way this story ends:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Why does my solar panel junction box have 3 terminals surly it only needs 2 positive and negative?

He’d really be surly if he encountered four wires.

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How can I make someone else pay?

This is, I am beginning to suspect, the defining question of our time: much of our alleged political discourse asks exactly that and nothing more.

More disturbingly, it extends beyond politics:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Would scraping the bottom of the front bumper due to a steep incline going into a parking lot be covered under a car's original warranty?

This mindset — that there are always pockets to pick — will be the death of us yet.

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The destructive power of kale

Look what it’s done to this poor imbecile:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Vegans, what do i do about my neighbor?

my neighbor cooks meat outside often, im a vegan and offended by the smell of cooking meat. i went over there to tell him to stop, he said ‘go f*ck yourself, this is my grill, my food, my property. go home, or i will have you arrested for trespassing. dont like it? then you can close your windows or leave the town.’ can you imagine the audacity of a person like this? im thinking of holding a peta protest outside his house. is there anything i can do? should i call the cops on him?

Whichever of these is more pertinent:

  • Quit trolling, ya knucklehead;
  • Kindly point to the section of the Constitution that gives you the right not to be offended.

Otherwise, I’d say “die in a fire,” and if it comes to that, I’ll happily contribute some kindling.

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Desperate student

And presumably a desperate student with really good vision:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Does anyone know how to fit 3000 words total, typed, onto a 3x5 index card front and back? On Microsoft Word or?

There is, of course, a reason for this:

My history teacher is letting my class have a cheat card for the exam. I have all 3000 words typed up on Word. I just need to figure out how to fit it all onto a 3×5 notecard … Help me Please!

Teacher didn’t say they could have magnifying glasses.

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Cheesy suspension parts

Perhaps even dangerously cheesy:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How much deos it to fix a 2004 Nissan queso axle?

Truth be told, I would be surprised if the garage in fact has any cheese at all.

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Bimmer bummer

One practically guaranteed source of Schadenfreude is the nimrod who decides to pony up for an aged Teutonic sled without giving the slightest consideration to what it’s going to cost him to maintain it.

Which, in this particular case, is several times the purchase price:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I have a 2001 BMW 740I timing chain broke where can i get her fixed cheap real cheap?

Oh, it gets better:

At the end of April I paid $1500 for her 3 days later her timing chain snapped what am I to do

Fifteen hundred for a 7-series? The guy dumping it knew the engine was about to grenade, and, well, as George Hull once noted, buyers for old BMWs are born at the rate of sixty per hour.

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This guy’s shui is fenged

Or something:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Can I request a new SSN because I object to digits used?

Sorry, Bunkie, all of them use digits. And the Social Security Administration does not take requests: a reissued card will have the same number as the original.

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Ludicrous non-speed

I haven’t decided if this is fiendishly clever or utterly pitiful, so it’s up to you guys:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to REDUCE USB transfer speed Temporarily ?

Explanation for this query:

I want to reduce the USB transfer speed. I use windows 8.1 and I get a transfer speed of 17.5 MB per second through USB. I want to slow it down temporarily. Here is the Story for those who are curious, I met an awesome girl on a trip, we found out that we both are from the same city so she asked if i can take pics of her as she forgot her cam. So i took many pics of her which comes around 400 mb totally. Tomorrow she told me she would meet me to get those pics, I told her transferring pics would take an hour or so, I know it will get over in few min but this is like the only valid reason I have to meet her. So i just wanna slow down the transfer speed temporarily so I ll have little time to get to know her even better. Please help me guy. I dont wanna reduce it forever. I hate slow speed USB transfer. I just wanna make sure it takes at least 40 min. How to do it?

Note: The punctuation in the original was sufficiently random, in my judgment, to warrant some minor corrections.

The underlying assumption here is that The Girl won’t realize that he’s screwed around with the mechanism. I have a gut feeling that about six minutes into this scamlet, she’s going to ask why it’s taking so long, it never takes this long with her USB sticks.

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Clippings from the dystopiary

Things can’t possibly get any worse. Or can they?

Yahoo Answers screenshot: What to do now that my soul is dead and I have abandoned all hope?

To elaborate:

I don’t know what to do now. The world has now gone completely insane and I’m literally counting down the days until I’m forced to attempt survival in a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

People are excruciatingly nasty and evil. Those who are not are a rare anomaly and very puny and useless.

All of my dreams are dead. There are no resources for the change that I’d like to make in the world. I have no partner and no children. There is no one that can make my heart soft again.

Day and night I drift deeper into hatred for the human race and for all of god’s failed creation.

Now what? Should I just get up and go to work again like a robot?

Based purely on my own experience, I’d say this sounds like a high-school student with no prom date. (Disclosure: I was once a high-school student with no prom date.) Anyone got any better ideas?

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