Out of the mass market

Mercury sold nearly 66,000 cars with a Monterey badge in 1966. Most of them are gone. Not that the remaining owners necessarily understand that:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where can I find a good Radiator for a 1966 Mercury Monterey without paying big bucks!?? I've searched almost every parts site, but no luck

I will never understand these folks who think all auto parts, even for 50-year-old models, should be right there at the corner parts store and should sell for no more than $19.99.

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Because everything is on the Internet

Darnisha asks:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is Nathan cooksey in merced can cheating on darnisha Richardson?

I’m not sure which is worse: that she asked this in the first place, or that she asked it in Cars & Transportation/Maintenance & Repairs.

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Now this is answering

A very typical Y!A car question:

I recently found two cars that I like. One is a 2004 bmw m3 and one is a 2003 g35.

How much should I expect the monthly insurance to be?
Is it expensive as a 2004 bmw m3?

There are basically three types of drivers who ask this:

  • Young drivers
  • Shitty drivers
  • Young, shitty drivers

I blew off this question, but fortunately, someone else gave this little twerp what he needed:

Yes, Mark. Performance cars are very expensive to maintain and insure. And you’ve already been told hundreds of times that at this point in your life, it makes absolutely no sense to purchase one.

Last year, after graduating high school, you started classes at Bergen Community College, but dropped out a week later because you read on one of your course syllabi that class participation counted for five percent of your grade. Since you were nervous about talking in class, you quit school and went to work full-time stocking shelves at Costco.

Now, you are considering returning to college at age 19 (almost twenty). You clearly need a more practical car — one that has good reliability and gas mileage. The money you’ve managed to save should go entirely towards your educational expenses, which is an investment in the future.

I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why you think it’s so important to go from 0-60 in a short time. There’s absolutely no benefit in that. Since you live with your parents, you should sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about your future. Perhaps they can set you straight and help fix some of your delusions. For example, you’re not a “straight-up gangster” and you’re obviously not black.

You are an extremely short and plump Indonesian teenager, with delusional aspirations towards the thug lifestyle. (You’re 5-5, small-framed, and a whopping 232 pounds!) In other words, you’re a fat little “gangsta-baby.” A Toyota Corolla would would be a much more practical option for you. Get an education and lose that 100 pounds of fat. Once you graduate college or university and get a decent job, you can start thinking about high-performance sports cars.

Basically, Mark, you need to fix your life-priorities. You are wasting your time fantasizing about being an inner-city hoodlum and driving fast cars. This makes absolutely sense no at all and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You seriously need to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult. The waitress you are crushing on was totally correct about that.

Even if only a third of this is dead accurate, he has the twerp dead to rights.

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From the Gimme Pages

Some species, we hear, eat their young. I wonder if this is why:

So I’m 19 now , and I’ve really been looking into getting a car. I’ve asked my parents one for Christmas and they said no cuz $. Its really annoying because all my friends have one and they ask girls out using them. Whenever I ask a girl out we have to arrange public transport and that usually turns them off. I know this sounds stupid but don’t worry I’m not just asking for a car to get the ladies. It’s mainly about getting to college. It takes me roughly 2 hours using public transport, meanwhile i checked how much time it would take me If i was using a car. And saw that it would only take me about 30-45 minutes. So I would be getting about 1h30-1hr15 minutes more sleep. Which is a lot.
Now my family isn’t very rich so I’ve narrowed down my options,
The one car I am looking at now is this one: https://www.teslamotors.com/models/design?redirect=no
So it wold be 844$ per month with 5000 $ in down payment.
Now, I want a Tesla because
1. It helps with the ladies
2. Its super quiet
3.Its environment friendly because it is electric/
So before you start yelling at me because the car is so expesive, I’ve done the Maths.
So my dad earns around 55k a year. Which is around 4583$ a month. Now Seeing as he must have 5000$ in his bake account ( I’m assuming) He can make the down payment. And if you substract the 1.5k he pays for rent and the 844$ each month for the car you get 2239$ EVERY MONTH! For you to buy, groceries or hose appliances whatever,
So you can see why I’m frustrated…

I want to know what his dad does that gets him out of paying taxes.

I’m sorry. A child like this, assuming this one actually exists — the trolls have been working overtime of late — is far too stupid to be in college.

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Child loses race, pitches fit

It’s hard not to laugh at this twerp:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I got smoked by a BMW m3 on my 2003 maxima

The sob story, as only an SOB can tell it:

thursday afternoon while i was cruising on the freeway at 75 mph, BMW m3 voluntarilly pulled up to my side. while we cruised i honked the horn counting from 1 to 3 and the minute i finished counting, i pulled from 80 mph to 122-125 mph in like 2-3 second but despite that i STILL GOT SMOKED by the m3!!!! my question is there anything else that i can do to make a my maxima faster?

i mean i spent AT LEAST 6K modifiying and customizing my car. is i have put money into parts like a new cold air intake, 20″ rims, better struts, different chip, radiator and much more. could a supercharger help my car go any faster?

Well, dumbass, for one thing, you can lose those stupidly large 20″ rims, which add a whole bunch of weight, and unsprung weight at that: they’re the very antithesis of speed. Five will get you ten your intake isn’t any better than stock, and at 125 mph you’re running into aerodynamic drag: you will not get appreciably faster than 130 or so no matter what sort of crap you shovel into the engine compartment. (I drive one of these little darbs. I know.)

But by all means, drop a supercharger in there. And while you’re at it, pick up a spare engine and transmission.

Fiduciary note: $6000 worth of “upgrades” to a $2500 car leaves its value at, um, decidedly less than $2500. Nobody buys beaters with boyracer detritus all over the place, except for people even dumber than the seller. I suppose such people do exist, but this can’t be good for the human race.

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No one must ever know

Usually the guys who do this want to pretend that they wrote all that code. Then there’s this guy:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How to remove template name from WordPress?

His motivations contain 50 percent more skulk:

I bought a WordPress template from a site for my business, and I want to know if there is a way to change the theme template name? I own a cafe and one of my competitors (who happens to be my ex-wife) figured out what template I’m using on my site and she bought the same template for her cafe site and now both of our sites look similar. I want to buy a new template but I want to know how I can prevent someone else learning what template I’m using. When someone goes to my site they are able to see what template I’m using when they look at the “Source Code” — how do I change that so the visitors (mainly my competition) can’t find out what template I’m using?

WordPress stores all the theme files in a themes/[theme name] directory; to conceal it would require rewriting every one of those files, plus all the code that connects to those files. It would almost be easier to write a theme from scratch, and there’s still the necessity of tweaking all that PHP. I’m thinking it might conceivably be done with a metric buttload of redirects, at the expense of speed: nothing makes people flee a site faster than lack of fastness.

Disabling right-click, which is where people usually try to View Source, is trivially easy via JavaScript. But it won’t do a thing to block, say, the Ctrl-U combination that Firefox devised.

And really, why did those two ever break up? They seem to be so perfect for each other in so many ways.

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Hard luck, your lordship

As Cher Horowitz might have said, “As if”:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I had to purchase a transmission less than 2 months of getting the car. The vehicle was repossed today. Can i retrive my transmission?

Yeah, like they’re going to just hand it to you.

At the time Sandy, my second Mazda 626, was totaled out after meeting up with a doe on a rural road, she was wearing spiffy new high-performance tires with barely a thousand miles on them. $650 down the chute. C’est la vie.

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Future bum

Some people really object to the idea that life requires effort:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I make a millions of dollars?

I think we can safely assume he has no future as a bestselling author:

Every night I go sleep dreaming about driving rolls a rolls Royce, living in a huge house. I’m 18 I don’t want to grow up and do the exact same thing every day, get up go to work and go home I can’t do that.

And girls, I’ll just bet he’s single!

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Playing the Pathetic Card

Yet another bozo who thinks himself too clever by half:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do I bring up that dad has cancer in my next drivers test?

Apparently he’s perfectly serious:

I just failed my drivers test. Now, I am trying to make a new date in PA and if anyone has any advice on how to make an appointment as soon as possible, that would GREATLY help. Now also, my dad has cancer and is going through chemo (its not too too bad, just really sad), and i want to work in a sympathy angle where i subtly mention it, but I can’t just come right out and say it. So I need your help to transition my words into mentioning this. Like if I said “wow I’m really nervous, i just need to drive my dad to chemo.” Something like that, but with a smoother transition, my dad said if helps me pass, do it.

“If you really cared about the old man, you’d try harder.” Which is the kind response; I wouldn’t blame the examiner for failing the little twerp for trying to influence him.

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Desperate for amusement

This guy clearly has no idea about the size of the task he proposes:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How do i make the steering wheel in my friends car turn the back tires instead of the front tires?

That said, someone willing to go to that much trouble and expense just to prank a friend should probably be exiled to Lower Slobbovia, just as a precautionary measure.

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Furniturization

I think I understand this, but I can’t really be sure:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where are can buy small computer table and that must be compactly and not big?

I figure “compactly” is the inverse of “bigly.” Then again, I have never owned a “computer table”; I do, however, have a stupidly heavy desk. (The heaviness itself is not stupid, unless you’re actually moving the damned thing, which had to be disassembled to get it through the sharp angle at my front door.)

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Maximum dumbth

Warning light on dashboard? Who cares? It’s my sacred honor at stake:

My Mazda has the check engine light on but for one of the catalytic converters, But the light started to blink just about 2 hours ago. I was on the freeway and an Acura TL raced me. I hit around 105 before the transmission wouldn’t shift past 4th gear (automatic) and by this time I noticed the check engine light blinking. I began to slow down and the light kept blinking for around 5 seconds then stopped blinking and remained solid. My question is, is there anything I may have damaged other than the catalytic converter which was already damaged?

Your credibility, which will never, ever be repaired.

Seriously, what kind of stubby-fingered moron goes impromptu racing when he’s already facing a repair bill?

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Drawing attention

I have no idea what to make of this:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: I think my boyfriend is going to leave me for an anime character?

Argument in favor of the premise:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, recently he started getting interested in anime. It was all fine and stuff until he began getting obsessed with a character from Bleach named Orihime. I tried watching the show with him, but every time his “waifu” comes on screen he starts squealing and getting really excited and saying “LOOK, IT’S MY WAIFU” He always compares me to her, like the other night I asked him to do the dishes and he said “Orihime wouldn’t make me do the dishes.” And then proceeded to go back to watching Bleach. It’s gotten so bad that he won’t even cuddle me at night, he cuddles his body pillow with a picture of Orihime on it. And I think i’ve caught him masturbating to naked drawings of Orihime. I don’t understand what she has that I don’t, maybe it’s because she has bigger breasts than me. I don’t know what to do, anime is ruining our relationship. I just want my boyfriend back, please help.

First thought: Can you cook? Because Orihime surely can’t:

Her cooking style can be described as very bad, disgusting, or, more often strange to the point that aside from Rangiku Matsumoto, no one would think it delectable, and is one of the running jokes in the series.

But there may be no cure. And as Tara Strong, speaking voice of Twilight Sparkle, for whom I’d dump you in a Manehattan minute, has said: “It’s ok to be in love with an animated drawing as long as you understand they cannot put out.”

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Mere preference

I have been known to annoy Yahoo! Answers’ bevy of unpaid cultural critics — and if ever there were people who deserved to be unpaid, it’s those people — by restating their original statement: “Shorter version: How dare you like something I don’t like?”

Expand this beyond mere entertainment choices, and you have something like this:

I do think “virtues” — which are often things that require effort on a person’s part, and are often things that go unnoticed and unsung — are harder, and are not as visible in our culture right now — as “morals,” or at least the sort of “public morals” that allows a person to snark at another, unknown person because that person is fat. Or because that person smokes. Or because that person dresses badly. Or whatever. It can even devolve into true stupidity — Lynn talked the other day about “how everything becomes a little war” and it is, exhaustingly so, like that. Even down to the “best” flavor or brand of ice cream. Or what television shows (if any — and that’s a whole OTHER Western Front) are worth watching. And again: it’s easy for a person to justify their choices in life by running down someone else’s, or telling that person they are bad, stupid, or wrong for the choices they make. And I just want to wave my arms around like a demented Kermit the Frog and scream “STOP IT! STOP. IT.” Because it just makes everyone feel worse, and doesn’t actually solve any problems.

I have, more than once, defended my stance by saying “I’m sixty years old and don’t have to give a ruddy rat’s ass about anyone else’s opinions.” Which is true enough; the tragedy, perhaps, is that it didn’t occur to me to say something like that at twenty-two.

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Specialty headgear by Alcoa

Usually we make fun of the questions at Yahoo! Answers. But this answer was so utterly mockable, it deserves attention of its own. Get a whiff of this:

Russia will destroy Turkey and America. Move to Ural. (666 times 3)+(6 times 3) = 2016. Jews want war between Russia and Germany from June to October. Tube people = demons. Clones = demons. Human costumes that demons wear = demons. Dinosaurs and 666ed people have triple stranded DNA. Demons live inside clones. Bacteriologist Alexandre Yersin (who discovered Bubonic plague) is depicted on the Shroud of Turin. There is another shroud on which blasphemer Yosef (who was crucified on a pole in 1066 AD) is depicted. WW3 happens; 7% of people will be left; after people are tired of war, they will elect the antichrist as one world leader; don’t vote. ISIS stands for Israeli Secret Intelligence Service. Next false flag: Statue of Liberty. Move away from coasts as nukes will go off in the ocean (at where tectonic plates meet; result: megatsunamis 1km high). Earth is flat; stands on 3 pillars (the Most Holy Trinity); pillars stand on water at zero Kelvin. Zodiac is planetary prison of demons; don’t believe in horoscopes or you’ll exhibit the traits of the trapped demons. Most thoughts and dreams are from demons; demons never do good. Sleep fully clothed; pray the Jesus prayer. Pray to your guardian angel to have normal sleep. Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov was the last prophet before Enoch and Elijah return to preach against the antichrist. According to Ruski Orthodox Christian Vyacheslav Krasheninnikov: Humans were created about 7525 years ago.

Birds participate in time creation. It’s a sin to kill birds. Dinosaurs live under our level. They will get out through sinkholes and lakes. To kill them, go for their nerves. Save the birds; but kill the dinosaurs. First dinosaur will come out of Volga River in Russia. Demons grow human skin (from a sample taken during abduction) and put it on so as to look like us. Demons will invite people to be healed inside their UFOs; those who go will be like zombies after. Gov’t provides demons with diamonds and allows demons to abduct people. If you’re being abducted, slowly pray the Jesus prayer.

Don’t panic. Demons use diamonds and souls to power their UFO craft. The bigger the diamond, the more it lasts. Demons have 4 UFO bases: 1)Moon 2)Inside fake mountain Kailash in Tibet 3)In lake Baikal in Russia 4)In Atlantis which is underneath the Mariana Trench in Pacific Ocean. There are no aliens. Nobody lives on other planets. Airplanes that go down are hit by demons because they need the airspace to fight Jesus. Antichrist is pale with red eyes. He’s possessed by Satan since he’s 12 years old. He flies. He wears gloves to hide long nails. He’s surrounded by demons who appear as angels of light.

Don’t go into a UFO to be healed by demons. 666 is given by isotope rays on wrist or forehead when people stretch hands to receive small plastic grey card with no name on it (World Passport). Police will microchip and isotope ray people on highways. Food stores will isotope ray people too. Antichrist will also release prisoners to mark people. Reject 666 at all cost. If you’re about to be marked, pray the Jesus prayer. Hide with Orthodox Christians to escape 666; leave all electronics behind so that antichrist’s minions can’t track you. Give to charity in the name of Archangel Michael; he rescues people from hell twice a year (or brings them up a level, that is, to a level with less punishment; eventually, people are freed). Feed the pigeons; when pigeons bow down, people are saved from hell. Forgive me.

How do we know this is a freaking nutcase? Because the question was “What Were Some Of Your Top Favourite Albums of 2015?”

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DDIY

Which means, of course, “Don’t Do It Yourself.” If you ask questions like this, you will definitely qualify:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Where are the spark plugs located on a 2000 Mustang gt 4.6 motor?

Now what are the chances that a person who can’t find spark plugs on his own will be able to service said plugs?

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Beyond “birthers”

Now here’s a losing loser who loses:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I change my birth certificate so that no one finds out I was born in a city with a Spanish, not Anglo-sounding name?

The justification offered for this is totally absurd:

I’m sorry, but this is a problem some of us face. I know a lot of fine people who have to cover up the fact that we were born in cities in the USA with Spanish names like San Francisco, Santa Barbara, San Diego, Santa Cruz, etc.

It is not refined. Places like Newport, New Haven, Manhattan, etc. are refined. I don’t want to be associated with a place that has a name derived from people who are Romanist in religion and whose colonies are not of the right social standing.

Update: Yes, but a birth certificate can be forged. Sorry, but I will not go through life with a birthplace associated with Roman Catholicism, spicy food, and antagonism towards the British Crown.

Shorter version: “My parents weren’t WASPs, therefore my life is ruined.”

Troll possibility: Rather high. Then again, someone who would go to this much trouble to come up with an incredibly stupid tale of woe doesn’t have much of a life anyway, by definition. Once I get the time machine working, I’m sending this doofus back to 1884.

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The feeling is almost certainly mutual

We’ve all seen better trolls than this, though:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: Is their an interplanetary dating site for those like me not interested in humans?

I was going to suggest to him “You might try looking up Uranus,” but I might need that line for something worthwhile some day.

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From the As If files

This character has big dreams and, one suspects, no way to make them come true:

What type of Web hosting plan would be good for a site that gets 100k visitors a day. Would a shared hosting plan be able to handle this much traffic or vpn or cloud hosting? Not very tech savvy, thank you.

A guy who evidently has never had a site of his own before expects a hundred thousand visitors a day. This is like trying to run HuffPo off Weebly.

I imagine the surfer dudes who host this site would gently, and then not so gently, suggest I move up from the $10-a-month plan if I started getting 100k visitors a day. (The most I’ve ever had on a single day was 13,636, on 12 May 2009, and at least 11,000 of those came from Instapundit.)

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Every existence has a bane

This isn’t mine, but it’s awfully damned close:

Yahoo Answers screenshot: How can I create a free website with domain name?

We have produced an entire subculture of people who want things of value and who don’t want to pay for them. I really think the Prince of Darkness (curses be unto him) is going to have to build on an addition to hell to make room for them all.

Yeah, I hear you: “It’s probably just a kid.” Kids with no sense of propriety or property grow up to be adults with no sense of propriety or property. There aren’t enough roads to Damascus for all of them to wake up in time.

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