Never underestimate this column's capacity for lameness; in the past, I've fallen back on surveys, simulated correspondence, random memories, even thinly-disguised reprints. Until now, though, I hadn't resorted to that hoariest bit of post-ironic shtick, the Lettermanesque Top Ten list.

The operative phrase, of course, is "until now."

With that in mind:

More or less literally from the Home Office, here are the Top Ten Things I Will Never Hear At Work:

10. "We can't possibly be paying you enough."

  9. "Well, you know more about this than I do."

  8. "Sorry to disturb you."

  7. "We don't need this right away."

  6. "Take your vacation whenever you want. We'll manage."

  5. "We read your memo, and we're going to implement the changes you recommended just as soon as possible."

  4. "You know, you're right: [unnamed individual] really is incredibly stupid."

  3. "Now that you've pointed it out to us, we realize what a dumb idea that was."

  2. "Well, we could go back to your place."

And the Number One Thing I Will Never Hear At Work:

  1. "Some things are simply not worth the amount of trouble they create."

I realize that none of these are especially unique, that almost every office drone between here and Bangalore could easily add to the list, but what the heck — the fact that something is common does not make it false.

The Vent

#379
1 March 2004

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