Office of the Speaker
H-232, US Capitol
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Madame Speaker:

I am writing to you as a natural-born citizen of the United States (copy of birth certificate available on request) who is suffering mightily during this recession. While my finances are mostly in order, my emotional life is a shambles, and therefore, as my share of the national bailout/stimulus package/whatever, I request herewith that the Congress take steps to find me a girlfriend.

I do not undertake this request lightly. The feeling that one is not desired, even in a heterosexual manner, is a serious blow to one's self-esteem generally. We know the Congress takes an interest in self-esteem: this year Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) introduced a bill to "encourage initiative and promote self-esteem," and while he was thinking specifically of persons who are drawing Social Security for disability, it's clear, given the size of the debt load inflicted on the nation by the Bush administration, that the government cannot afford to let persons with emotional difficulties become disabled as a result of those difficulties and subsequently end up drawing Social Security.

I am at a disadvantage here, inasmuch as I have a day job and cannot take time to fly to Washington to testify before the appropriate House committee. And my understanding of the Troubled Asset Relief Program indicates that I may not meet all the qualifications for a bailout of this sort. However, I believe I can make a case for myself, as follows:

  • I have a marginally sub-prime mortgage.
    At present, I am not at risk of foreclosure. However, the strain of loneliness imposes costs of its own, among them medical (drugs to make the pain go away) and consumption-oriented (maybe she'll like me better if I had a [fill in name of consumer product]). Should these costs begin to rise, I could theoretically run the risk of losing my comfortable but lonely home.

  • I am no more than 50 percent white and am not a Republican.
    These credentials should speak for themselves.

  • I pay several thousand dollars in Federal taxes each year.
    Were I not paying this sum, I would be able to purchase occasional feminine companionship on a short-term basis. Since sale of such goods is prohibited where I live, I would have to negotiate transactions with residents of the state of Nevada. The Congress, I believe, could permit this, as it has power to regulate interstate commerce under Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution.

  • I bear no responsibility for the Pontiac Aztek.
    This alone should make me more deserving of Federal help than General Motors is.

In view of the above, I feel that I have earned some form of relief, and I anxiously await your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Charles G. Hill

The Vent

#608
  8 December
2008

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