Should I not have done that?

Usually you hear this right after “Was I wrong?” And the most likely answer is “Of course you were, you microcephalic dullard.” An example:

So I went to a car dealership and applied for an auto loan. My employer doesn’t provide paystubs so I faked them. I looked it up online and found out what I did was illegal so I called the dealership and immediately requested to cancel the loan request and told them I was no longer interested. I know this can cause some very bad issues and I was hoping someone might be able to tell me who I should contact to get ahead of this incase it gets flagged or anything like that. Thank you!!!

The first alarm goes off with “My employer doesn’t provide paystubs.” Even if they pay him in cash, they need to be able to furnish those stubs. And why would they pay him in cash? He’s either an independent contractor, in which case he’d get a regular invoice and, at the end of the tax year, some sort of 1099, or he and the boss are conspiring to avoid taxation, in which case they have other problems.

Alarm two: “…so I faked them.” Okay, he’s not getting a 1099.

Alarm three: “I looked it up online and found out what I did was illegal.” I’m guessing he found this out at NoShitSherlock.com. He certainly has no moral sense of his own. And if he gets a car and has a fender-bender, he probably won’t call his insurance company, because “they might raise my rates.” Maybe he’ll circumvent this by not buying insurance at all.

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Janni be good

You never know where you’re going to pick up on new musical stuff. On the way back home, I listened to a couple of tracks by Estonian songstress Getter Jaani, and one of them she sang at Eurovision 2011:

Here’s where things get weird:

The song became an internet meme after a video of two Chinese men dancing to a Nightcore version of the song became popular on social media. Their dance moves also became popular, spreading to apps and sites such as TikTok and YouTube in 2018. The original song is in E♭ minor while the meme nightcore version is in G minor, having been sped up by 1.25x.

Which, after all, is the whole point of nightcore. And I get to credit a couple of kids (Dan Lovejoy’s) for the discovery.

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So it’s come to this

Admittedly, the camera work is of a high order:

Amusement is where you find it.

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Metal babe

This would have been — should have been — the 44th birthday of singer Jill Janus, best known perhaps for her three-album stint as lead vocalist for the metal band Huntress. As a child, she learned to sing opera; eventually, she discovered the wonders of That Which Is Metallic, and for a while served as a late-night disk jockey under the name “Penelope Tuesdae.”

Jill Janus close up

Jill Janus on the black carpet

Jill Janus looks out

Jill Janus rides the unicorn

In 2015, Janus announced that Huntress was breaking up; the band said “No, we aren’t,” and continues today. They said that Janus had had some mental-health issues, which was true: she had been dealing with bipolar disorder since her teens, and was subsequently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, with depression and schizophrenia to follow. And just to make matters worse, she contracted uterine cancer, which was treated by hysterectomy.

“Spell Eater” is the title track of the first Huntress LP, released in 2012.

In August 2018, this statement was posted to the band’s Facebook page:

“It is with crushed hearts that we announce that Jill Janus — frontwoman for the California heavy metal band Huntress — passed away on Tuesday, August 14,” the band wrote. “A long-time sufferer of mental illness, she took her own life outside of Portland, Oregon.”

“Janus spoke publicly about these challenges in hopes of guiding others to address and overcome their mental illness,” the post continued.

She was two weeks away from her 43rd birthday.

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Don’t remind me

No, really, I mean it, don’t remind me:

Objects are closer than they appear

The real question: Are they gaining on me?

(Via Nihilist Arby’s.)

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Strange search-engine queries (709)

On the off-chance that you missed the last decade or so, here’s what’s going on here:

  1. You search for something at a search engine.
  2. The search engine matches you up with something we did here.
  3. We look at where those matches landed.
  4. Hilarity is supposed to ensue.

fkk sandcastles:  Possible disadvantage of a nude beach: the damn sand gets into everything.

getting hung up on minor details word:  Admittedly, there are times when I settle for “jerk.”

carol alt private parts:  Even supermodels are entitled to some privacy.

the invisible girl summary:  This is actually pretty simple: she’s female, and you can’t see her.

leering eyes:  Foiled again by the invisible girl.

zhenya kissin:  Lucky Zhenya.

artisan dwarf cabbage:  This is how you sell Brussels sprouts for $15 a pound.

morgan fairchild porn videos:  “My wife, Morgan Fairchild, whom I’ve slept with, never did any of those,” says Tommy Flanagan.

are prunes in dr pepper:  The Dr says no, and who are we to question him?

annie wu actress:  No relation to Louis Wu, inventor of the Sabbatical.

ryan opens a bank account with $50:  And brother Chad told him, “You could have gone to this bank over here and they’d give you a $200 bonus.”

magnifico giganticus:  A lineal descendant of Pilate’s friend Biggus Dickus.

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Proud to be a twit

You can see what’s wrong with this asshat in a matter of seconds:

My website host reset my password. However, they sent the new password to my old email. They will not relinquish the new password to my current email address (which they currently use for billing) and I cannot access my site. Is there legal recourse?

You can’t get much more obvious than this, said I:

And you never gave the host the new email address because — why, exactly?

It’s rather pointless to speak of “legal recourse” when it’s obviously your fault.

Now this is hardly a problem anyone would call “unique”; in half an hour you can find a dozen or more wackos who fail to comprehend the simple fact that it’s their responsibility to keep everyone in the chain informed. Rather a lot of such folks generate throwaway addresses, fearing that someone might find out who they are, and they deserve the failures they get.

Missing the point, incidentally, is also a failure:

Nope. I own the domains and I own the email address and i want some of my property off the domains (which I own). Why can’t I have my property, when I can establish that it is my property? Seriously!? For years the host has sent me bills for the domains to my current email address. They are USING the current email address for business purposes, to direct payments. And they don’t know this — why, exactly?

Billing records and domain records are not necessarily united under a single database, and you might not want them to be, lest some vandal get all your information at once.

The two hilarious things about this guy:

  • He claims to be an empath;
  • He doesn’t follow his own question, meaning it doesn’t appear in his profile question list, meaning he wants plausible deniability in case he wants to disavow any knowledge of its existence.

It’s always lots of fun to see people work their very hardest to avoid responsibility.

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It’s been going on for a long time

And not much has changed:

And, as befits a Floridian turned Texan turned Floridian once more, he was a general in the Civil War Between the States for Southern Independence.

On the Union side, of course.

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Either way

An excerpt from Roger Green’s Hawaiian omnibus:

Incidentally, “most people think that ‘Aloha’ is a word that means both hello and goodbye” That is not true. “In Hawaiian we say ‘Aloha’ both when greeting someone and also saying goodbye. But that is not to be taken literally. The real meaning of Aloha in Hawaiian is that of Love, Peace, and Compassion.”

There’s a similarly protean word in Hebrew, which was at the center of a joke in David Frye’s I Am The President, a 1969 LP in which Frye plays, among others, Richard M. Nixon. In this setup, Nixon is being briefed on protocol by George Jessel, inasmuch as Golda Meir, then Prime Minister of Israel, was coming to Washington for a state visit.

Jessel: “Now when Mrs Meir comes in, you say ‘Shalom’.”

Nixon: [nods]

Jessel: “And when she leaves, you say ‘Shalom’.”

Nixon: “How do I know which is which?”

Jessel: “If she leaves after you’ve said it, you’ve said goodbye.”

Sometimes, context is everything.

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Should this marriage be saved?

Is it worth the bother? I noticed my husband received a “voice call.” What is voice calling and how would I find it on his phone?

I get the distinct impression that he keeps her in the dark about a lot of things.

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One hundred hours of despair

There are people who, if they’re not actually laughing off catastrophe, at least can deal with it without going to pieces.

I am not one of those.

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No, not her

Read the name again. This is Kim Kashkashian, sixty-seven today, a virtuoso violist who performs in concert and teaches at the New England Conservatory of Music.

Kim Kashkashian at work

Kim Kashkashian still at work

Kim Kashkashian at the Recording Academy

In 2013, Kim Kashkashian won the 2013 Grammy Award for Best Classical Instrumental Solo, for a collection of viola works by György Kurtág and György Ligeti. In this session, she plays several short works by Kurtág, still active at ninety-three, and offers some brief autobiographical exposition.

Oh, and about that Other Person?

“People actually realize that I’m not that person, but they look at my credit card at a store and say, ‘Oh, you’re not Kim Kardashian, are you?’ It’s been happening for years.”

I can believe that.

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This is how we get self-driving cars

A TTAC commenter named “conumdrum” writes to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration:

Dear NHTSA:

We, the undersigned car manufacturers and advanced technology companies want you to know that many prominent and extremely wealthy citizens and pension funds and venture capitalists, who insist on early return of capital, have invested billions of dollars with us on our earlier projections of deploying autonomous driving vehicles by 2020.

We must therefore insist that you allow us to test our autonomous driving prototypes on the public highways in these United States free of all restriction, petty or otherwise, so that we may deploy half-assed technology untrammeled by regulations of any sort. That way we can more rapidly make and sell sort-of-safe autonomous vehicles to the general public and receive the return on capital our investors demand, as soon as possible.

If not, publicly elected lawmakers will be pressured by some incredibly important and self-centered private interests to abolish the NHTSA and its recalcitrant and irritating staff, who are currently insisting on safety rules for prototype autonomous vehicles. We know better than these regulators how desirable it is that return on capital not be delayed by a nanosecond longer than necessary. Anything preventing immediate return on investment must be overlooked as detrimental to the private good.

We insist you understand the ramifications and abolish your petty restrictions at once and leave our experts to experiment freely on the public immediately.

Or else.

Signed,

Every car industry and advanced tech manufacturer and AI researcher that matters who need to return investment to keep investors satisfied.

In fact, I suspect this is how we get a lot of things we’d probably be better off without.

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Don’t even think of knocking

With the exception as noted below:

No Soliciting sign

For some of us, admittedly, it’s more likely to be someone to vote against rather than to vote for.

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Coyote fugly

“Crime pays,” says the caption, “but botany doesn’t.”

Hint: not a burrito.

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I suggest the Twelfth of Never

Quoran with issues: My birthday is September 11th. Is there any way I can get that legally changed to another day?

Perhaps you should move to Kazakhstan, where no one is likely to give a flying fish.

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