Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (709)

On the off-chance that you missed the last decade or so, here’s what’s going on here:

  1. You search for something at a search engine.
  2. The search engine matches you up with something we did here.
  3. We look at where those matches landed.
  4. Hilarity is supposed to ensue.

fkk sandcastles:  Possible disadvantage of a nude beach: the damn sand gets into everything.

getting hung up on minor details word:  Admittedly, there are times when I settle for “jerk.”

carol alt private parts:  Even supermodels are entitled to some privacy.

the invisible girl summary:  This is actually pretty simple: she’s female, and you can’t see her.

leering eyes:  Foiled again by the invisible girl.

zhenya kissin:  Lucky Zhenya.

artisan dwarf cabbage:  This is how you sell Brussels sprouts for $15 a pound.

morgan fairchild porn videos:  “My wife, Morgan Fairchild, whom I’ve slept with, never did any of those,” says Tommy Flanagan.

are prunes in dr pepper:  The Dr says no, and who are we to question him?

annie wu actress:  No relation to Louis Wu, inventor of the Sabbatical.

ryan opens a bank account with $50:  And brother Chad told him, “You could have gone to this bank over here and they’d give you a $200 bonus.”

magnifico giganticus:  A lineal descendant of Pilate’s friend Biggus Dickus.

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Strange search-engine queries (708)

If something you said landed here, it’s because you typed it in and sent it to Google or Bing or one of those guys, who brought you here, and the logs tell the tale.

you are already a weiner:  Is that you, Carlos Danger?

roz greenwood bondage:  I’m guessing you’ve already ruined your Bettie Page books.

Rosa Blasi In The Thundermans Having Sex In A Video:  Somehow I feel you’re not going to find this on Nickelodeon.

rosa blasi jock itch:  This either.

child winters wilkins daniels conder mills & boon loves… big sky standoff girl behind the scandalous reputation a bride for the boss the italian playboys secret son the m torrent:  That’s a hell of a lot to torrent.

8075 celsius:  Worse than usual for August.

pdq bach look up her dress:  From what I know about old P.D.Q., you’re likely to be disappointed.

amish rake fight gfy:  Well, you know they don’t have tasers.

pink candies that taste like pepto:  The price of candy being what it is, you might as well just have a Pepto.

tumultuousness:  The sine qua non of 21st-century electoral politics.

primejailbait closed:  Oh, boo hoo. How are you going to survive without one hand down your pants?

rat queens rule 34:  Oh. Never mind.

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Strange search-engine queries (707)

If you’re new around here, this is what we do: sort through the search-engine traffic, and single out individual searches that might be a few degrees off plumb. It happens every Monday.

“membership to this website is public”:  Were it not so, we’d never have this weekly feature.

part 7b costs the midwest division of frackle corporation $30 to make, of which $21 is variable. midwest division sells part 7b to other companies for $47. the northern division of frackle corporation can use part 7b in one of its products. the midwest division has enough idle capacity to produce all of the units of part 7b that the northern division would require. what is the lowest transfer price at which the midwest division should be willing to sell part 7b to the northern division?  Sounds to me like the whole place is frackled.

viagra spokesmodels:  If they’re any good at being spokesmodels, we wouldn’t need Viagra.

brandon, a first-line supervisor at garden toys manufacturing regularly dishes out the verbal abuse to employees, berates, bad-mouthing and embarrassing them in public. this is an example of:  things we learned from Amazon.

u broke me and u don’t know:  thank u, next.

dick owns a dog whose barking annoys dicks neighbor jane. suppose that the benefit of owning the dog is worth $700 to dick and that jane bears a cost of $500 from the barking. assuming dick has the legal right to keep the dog, a possible private solution to this problem is:  For the dog owner to not be such a dick.

tad and lilly were standing in line to get coffee with about three other people. within 10 seconds of waiting, tad started complaining to anyone who would listen about the wait time and how ridiculous it was. lilly was embarrassed by tad’s outburst of emotion:  And later that same day, she went over to Dick’s to buy a dog.

vignettes and vinaigrette:  If you can’t tell the difference, don’t order the salad.

drawing conclusions about every woman who leases a car in a particular zip code from a representative sample of 250 women in that zip code who lease a car is called:  Pretending to do market research.

10 most irritating things women do during sex:  1. Being somewhere other than here.

in the following scenario, which maxim is not being observed? david: so we climbed behind the waterfall, and there was this huge cave. it was amazing! zooey: that cloud looks like a bunny. david: what?  Never disagree with Zooey.

undodged:  Why we have Ram trucks today.

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Strange search-engine queries (706)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again: search strings that lead here are compiled each week, and we hope we find a dozen or so worth mentioning.

literotica swiftonsecurity:  Now that I have to see.

child winters wilkins daniels conder mills & boon loves … big sky standoff girl behind the scandalous reputation a bride for the boss the italian playboys secret son:  That, maybe not so much.

Mazda 626 all power goes off and hold indicator flashes:  And here you are, praying for a solution that costs nothing. Not gonna happen.

rosa blasi jock itch:  I do hope she doesn’t suffer from that.

bizatch:  A beyotch with an MBA.

are prunes in dr pepper:  No. If they did, they’d sell it as a medical supplement and jack up the price.

lipping off:  If you think I do that now, you should have seen me when I was a kid.

viagra spokesmodels:  The customers need all the help they can get.

t mobile jingle ringtone:  Must be some Sprint guy getting ready for the merger.

breastwise:  Amazingly, not an actual women’s magazine.

brenda is disappointed in the low ________________ of the book, “and then there were ten”:  Readability?

meredith vieira sexy legs in heels steping on men:  Pass, unless one of them is Matt Lauer.

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Strange search-engine queries (705)

Some people live in constant dread that somebody, somewhere, knows what you’re Gooogling (or occasionally Binging) for. There are two things they need to remember: we give far less of a damn than you think, and your mom knew about your prurient interests before you turned 15.

will ford ever bring back the probe:  If they do, it will be a crossover with a blunt front that doesn’t even look like a probe.

repair mazda 4EC-AT:  They don’t repair transmissions anymore. They just snap in a new one and send you the bill.

mispronounced oklahoma towns:  Well, they usually get Tulsa right. And Hooker.

undear:  A good beginning for the salutation of a nasty letter. Close with “Worst regards.”

sawiro jacayl oo qurux badan:  An incantation for dispelling the eels in your hovercraft.

are they ill tempered:  You’re goddamn right they are.

child winters wilkins daniels conder mills & boon loves… big sky standoff girl behind the scandalous reputation a bride for the boss the italian playboy s secret son the m:  What is this, a typing exercise for TMZ?

yokeldom:  How those Yankees characterize governance in the South.

tweetier:  You’ll have to ask Sylvester about that.

yuja wang bikini:  Probably not at work. Piano benches are often cold.

willie worker put in 42 hours last week at the widget factory. his base pay is $8.00 per hour, and he gets time-and-a-half for any hours beyond 40. use method 2:  Get Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the phone.

smutty primejailbait:  I suspect the modifier is redundant.

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Strange search-engine queries (704)

How this works is simple enough: you search for something, you land here, and if that something is the slightest bit interesting, it shows up in this weekly feature.

“why am i so normal”:  It’s just a cross you have to bear.

tongue groove:  Perhaps not as blatant as, say, a lip ring.

brand new shinny red super stock dodge:  I’m hoping what you mean is “shiny.”

TG&Y Sapulpa:  Opened in 2013, a decade after the chain folded: a guy bought the name and an old Drug Warehouse store.

suppose that at an official ticket price of $480:  the performer is getting at least $50.

12yo upskirt:  Calm down now, Mr Epstein.

okc ok breast reduction gallery:  In the Medical Plaza, Suite B. Or maybe it’s A.

mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas reference:  Get those goddamn eels out of the hovercraft and we’ll talk.

“huffington pissed”:  Subsequently renamed “Post.”

piece of legislation:  I think we can all agree it’s a piece of something.

“funny nude women”:  I’ve been looking for one of those myself.

where do you get underwear that won’t rip and when someone gives you a overhead wedgie it won’t rip:  I have a feeling this guy has gone through a lot of underpants over the years.

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Strange search-engine queries (703)

This bit of shtick should be familiar to most of you by now: we look at the search strings that brought people here, and we stare in disbelief at some of them.

intro reprise:  And you skipped over most of the piece, but what the heck.

VENT168:  You’d think I’d be #1 for this.

is shoes for africa legitimate:  I don’t know that many Africans personally, but they all wear shoes.

kerry on:  There are scores of wayward sons out there.

rule 34 ragdoll:  Andy and Ann are flinching over there in the corner.

dreggiest:  You know where Sinatra sings “From the brim to the dregs”? This is the farthest from the brim.

rebecca black tongue:  Not on the first date, Bunkie.

@fmail:  Like Gmail, but fewer filters.

fünfundfünfzig:  “I can’t drive that,” insists Sammy.

eyes glued to the screen:  Among other things, this makes cleaning more difficult than it needs to be.

sierra madre tattler:  They could, but they don’t have to show you any stinking badges.

futilitarianism:  I just hope they weren’t actually looking for “futanari.”

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Strange search-engine queries (702)

In case you missed this before — I am told that this is possible — what we do here is take a look at what people were looking for on the Web, on the off-chance that they managed to get here with those searches. As always, there is no wagering.

Fillyjonk Species:  Allow me to direct you to the Moomin wiki.

Android Quicksearch Box:  Google by another name.

defending mary sues:  Not to worry; they all manage to take care of themselves.

Liviu Mircea and Tiberiu Oproiu from the Astronomic Observatory Institute in Cluj, Romania:  I bet you won’t find them trying to storm Area 51.

unstupefied:  Your status after staying off social media for a week.

zillowy:  Description of a real-estate market whose prices are inexplicable.

zillionths:  Percentage of the federal deficit addressed by Congress.

laugher curve:  A device used to estimate that deficit.

bill gates blue screen:  Even he gets them, or so it seems.

paul savage purchased a restaurant named burger haven from larry jones. the purchase would cause the number of reporting entities to:  Remain exactly the same, to the dismay of the Health Department.

wallternatives:  Like, for instance, a portable room divider.

primejailbait closing:  And a million hands are withdrawn from a million pairs of pants.

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Strange search-engine queries (701)

Well, here we are again, doing the same old thing one more time. Apparently there’s life in this old shtick yet.

year jones/luther westbound interchange added to turner turnpike on hogback road:  What, you didn’t think it was finished, did you?

gallop poll:  More of a trot, actually.

“san francisco dungeon”:  From “dung,” fecal matter, plus “eon,” a long period of time.

john sununu iq:  Not so dumb that he’d change his name to John Sunoco in an effort to get free gas.

life is strange rule 34:  Actually, Rule 34 is one of the least strange aspects of life.

dirty trix:  Rabbits are not known for their neatness, especially at the breakfast table.

jedediah bila nude:  Not currently scheduled on Fox News.

austin power dildo experience:  Played three nights at Threadgill’s before the audience caught on.

quadratics jeep:  It’s a four-by-four, but it’s also a minus four-by-minus four.

undeferential:  Contrary to popular belief, not a component of a quadratics Jeep.

4chan 815:  I didn’t think any of those guys woke up before ten.

defiring:  What a gun won’t do no matter what silly laws are promulgated.

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Strange search-engine queries (700)

Seriously, who would have thought that we could parlay the equivalent of a parlor game into a twelve-year weekly series? Certainly not I.

waylon could see lina’s frustration build as adam continually cut her off midsentence in their problem-solving group meeting. at the next meeting, waylon made an effort to seek out lina’s opinion and to return the discussion to her if adam interrupted. according to your textbook, what kind of leadership need did waylon’s action fulfill?  This never happened in Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon and Willie and the boys.

lori fullbright nude:  I suppose it’s a good thing someone is lusting after a fiftyish woman.

kim domingo state of undress:  But the twentysomethings still hold sway in the world’s bunks.

why are grape nuts called grape nuts:  They’re honoring a tradition that dates back to the Holy Roman Empire.

dating limbo:  Just like dating hell, except the air conditioning works.

according to grant, what is it that miss emma and tante lou are really “stripping him of” indirectly through how other characters treat him?  I’m just thrilled that someone is actually reading A Lesson Before Dying.

16th amendment ratified snopes:  Someone looking for a loophole, I assume.

slap happy south park:  How many of us have been waiting to see Cartman get punched?

during a long drive tony counted:  Which promptly put him to sleep.

weedier:  How Ed Sheeran compares to Justin Bieber.

a speeding motorist traveling 120 km/h (constant speed) passes a stationary police officer. the officer immediately begins pursuit at a constant acceleration of 10 km/h/s. how much time will take the police officer to reach the speeder, assuming that the speeder maintains the constant speed? how fast will the police officer be travelling at this time?  Zero, because he has to stop and write a speeding ticket for the motorist.

aisha tyler wikifeet:  Yeah, she’s there, and deservedly so.

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Strange search-engine queries (699)

I never really envisioned that this rather thin premise could be stretched to almost seven hundred episodes. And yet here we are.

salmon coquette:  A flirty fish indeed.

brian is very creative. if he goes a week without seeing another person, he doesn’t even notice. he likes to garden and is currently redesigning the entire landscape around his property. according to holland’s theory, what type of person is brian?  Oblivious — and happy.

mrs butterworth rule 34:  I always wondered what was going on in that Log Cabin.

kickended:  One of several commands understood by the new SoccerBot.

claire de loon:  A Debussy composition, available for one Canadian dollar.

rush limbaugh maybach:  Well, you have to figure he wasn’t tooling around in a ten-year-old Corolla.

monchichi wiki:  Sounds kind of icky.

skinflintiness:  How you get to retirement age with your millions intact.

fortress proppants:  Yeah, but do they have pockets?

what do race car drivers like to do yahoo answers:  Y!A is just like wallowing in the pits.

nonthinking:  The most highly prized voter.

a town builds a new road north of the town to replace one that was in bad shape. the new road is wider, has smooth pavement, and flowering bushes have been planted along the roadside. compared to the road south of town, the new road gets very little use. this is because many of the residents work in a factory several miles south of town. the north road is used mostly on weekends by wealthy families driving to their mountain cabins. many residents are angry about this. which of the following economic questions was not adequately considered before building the road?  How to buy off the southsiders so they won’t complain so damn much.

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Strange search-engine queries (698)

People often ask “How much privacy do I have on the Internet?” The answer, of course, is “Next to none.”

the invisible woman 1983 download:  By now, I think more people have seen this goofy little feature than ever watched it on NBC that one night.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin:  In case you were wondering how reCAPTCHA could possibly be made worse.

god only knows vocals only:  Oh, He knows the chord changes. But some things, you have to do on your own.

the federal communications commission (fcc) found itself in court after issuing a controversial edict known as the open internet order (oio). the oio authorized a new set of regulations:  What the hell else would it do? The government vigorously resists the idea of removing old sets of regulations.

ssl_error_bad_mac_read:  Hey, it wasn’t my fault.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the united states. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  Thinking she was George W. Bush.

adrianne palicki stockings:  It’s summer now. Everyone you know is sporting bare legs.

part 7b costs the midwest division of frackle corporation $30 to make, of which $21 is variable. midwest division sells part 7b to other companies for $47. the northern division of frackle corporation can use part 7b in one of its products. the midwest division has enough idle capacity to produce all of the units of part 7b that the northern division would require. what is the lowest transfer price at which the midwest division should be willing to sell part 7b to the northern division?  And you thought Tesla’s finances were obscure.

armadillo syphilis:  I’d hate to see you explain that down at the free clinic.

jim holzman at ace ticket has a few premium seats in the front row. he would like to find out how much extra he can charge for those tickets, relative to identical seats right behind in the second row. to do so, he decided to run a survey. which of the following questions is least likely to elicit an honest answer?  “How much would you pay to see Nickelback?”

“everyonedoesit usa”:  Most useless hashtag ever.

gemma hung:  Which surprised a few of her dates.

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Strange search-engine queries (697)

There was a guy on Quora Saturday night who wanted to know what the most unlikely Google search might be. I should have just given him this link.

count the time in quarter tones to ten:  I’ll get right on it, probably around twenty-five or -six to four.

walmart 28214:  Yeah, there’s probably a Walmart in Charlotte.

reese witherspoon the man in the moon swimming:  Finally, a subtle(ish) request for nudes. (Yes, she, or at least a body double, was skinny-dipping.)

movie clothing database:  Query: what Reese Witherspoon was wearing in that swimming scene.

pick on someone your own Calibur:  Or, since you’ve almost certainly lost it, your ex-Calibur.

Juan is an ardent environmentalist and the sole supporter of two children. He found out that his:  Congressman is pushing for a bill to reduce family size because of “climate change,” and therefore one of the kids has to go.

chintziness:  A quality which Congress fears. Dreads, even.

pervy sloth meme:  Fingered by three toes. Fascinating.

choctaw ridge song:  Where the hell were you last week, on the third of June?

warner brothers records burbank:  They’ve moved out of Burbank, and they’re not even brothers anymore.

warner bros ball cap:  See if you can find one with the old logo.

black and decker vacuum:  I have one, and frankly, it sucks.

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Strange search-engine queries (696)

It’s summertime, so this evergreen feature may show a hint of brown here and there. The rules haven’t changed, though: we look at what people are searching for, and if it’s weird enough, we share.

mary clare mulhall 2017:  One of the proprietors of a resort in Palm Springs. She might have shoes on, but probably nothing else.

porn makes you stupid:  You were stupid before. This just reinforces it.

rat queens rule 34:  To each his own, I guess.

room temperature co2 reduction to solid carbon species on liquid metals featuring atomically thin ceria interfaces:  Gotta have my bowl, gotta have ceria.

mousley cereal:  I’ll have a bowl without so much mouse in it.

the invisible girl movie:  You may not understand the love scene.

sickenlaw:  Derisive term for “single-payer.”

carvanacare:  Imagine single-payer for your car.

bob’s bank charges him a $3.15 service fee every time he uses an out-of-network atm. if bob uses an out-of-network atm an average of three times every two weeks, how much will he pay in service fees over the course of a year?  About half as much as he’s paying in overdraft fees.

where are mazdas manufactured:  You don’t care, as long as it isn’t China.

xyzal wiki:  That damn owl rates his own wiki?

music video actress database:  That might be useful, especially if it existed.

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Strange search-engine queries (695)

We’ve done this before, but if you missed out before, this is what’s going down: we’re looking at the search strings that lead Web surfers to this site, and we’re postings the ones which we think can be made to elicit cheap laffs. Nothing more complicated than that.

over a barrel:  What’s the most logical place to put a gun sight?

Blair apologized, but assured survivors of the Hurricane that they had not been:  Blown to smithereens.

rule 34 urban dictionary:  Somehow this seems superfluous.

uranus sound:  A faint ripping noise, only audible if there’s some air nearby.

lone star tick meat allergy snopes:  Not even Snopes would think that Texans eat ticks.

matinay:  She was named that because she was conceived during a Saturday-afternoon movie.

designated runner:  Not so loud, Major League Baseball might hear you.

florence foresti segolene royal:  “Name two French women with killer legs.”

so doggone cute:  Among others, Florence Foresti.

after polly shrum sells a stock, she avoids following it in the media. she is afraid that it may subsequently increase in price. what behavioral characteristic does shrum have as the basis for her decision making?  She used to own a lot of $TSLA.

fortress proppants:  A lot to expect of pants, even if they are just props.

jeanine pirro cleavage:  Well, that’s one way to get on Fox News.

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Strange search-engine queries (694)

Yeah, we’re doing this again, like we did last week, the week before, and a few hundred weeks before that. Really, you should really just relax.

count the time in quarter tones:  It’s about twenty-five (or six) to four.

a novel with no verbs:  So nothing happens? Good to know.

stirred yogurt innuendo:  Doesn’t sound so stirring to me.

flurry of press attention:  Which you get only if the official narrative is supported therein.

where is there stock of ipad:  Your local Apple store should have a stack in stock.

please be informed that all neccesary documents has been put in place all you will have to do is to make sure you can be able to afford 110 usd:  Which will not be enough for an iPad.

bad fitting suit:  I’m told The Donald pays extra for them.

guys wearing women’s underthings:  Probably why their suits don’t fit so well.

men and/or women who are born with male and female organs and/or genes:  And all of them in ill-fitting suits.

garofalo pasta costco:  What exactly does this incantation do?

“aisha tyler” “well hung”:  I guess you’re seeing something I’m not.

can you say crap on the radio?  Shit, no.

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Strange search-engine queries (693)

Idly wondering whether I can sign up DuckDuckGo as a sponsor for this feature, since they’re the only search engine of any size that’s never had anyone’s searches land on this page.

biñg:  Spanish for “bing.”

suzanne the plans they made:  Okay, let’s put an end to that right now.

Richard gene Angell mexico computer circuit board designer:  Just in case you thought all these folks were in China.

you’re darn tootin we like fig newtons:  Which would still work as a slogan, except now that other fruits are available.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:  Separating tourists from their dollars.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  The Washington Post.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  Ram and the General doing likewise.

ryan opens a bank account with $50:  After fees and service charges, he has about $26.50.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is delivering:  What is generally expected of a White House press secretary.

loren grey jerk off challenge:  It’s enough to make you miss Circus of the Stars.

8866128975287528:  Proposed spending in the next Congressional budget.

i’m gonna whip somebody’s duck:  Not having the temerity to whip his ass.

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Strange search-engine queries (692)

Surely by now you know the drill: you search for it, your search lands here, I take note of it. Blather, rinse, repeat.

Steeleye Span The Journey Sept 2nd 1995 full setlist of all performers:  Darn, I would like to have seen that.

dudity:  A lot of people are running around dude.

dreggiest:  Wine preferred by dudists.

the things that michelle gave up from her decision are called the:  Things that a couple of dudes really wanted.

motown i want to stop and thank you babby:  In case you were asking how babby is courted.

stop and thank you baby motiwn:  Same guy. Apparently he is required to misspell one word each time.

invalid public movie atom:  In QuickTime, this is evidently a feature.

pepsiland:  Save your E-tickets for the ride down Dew Mountain.

rhymes with glee:  Later. Right now I gotta glee.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  If you have to be persuaded, I don’t know you.

seo expert witness:  Just once I want to see one of those guys on trial.

zumi rule34:  Who’s Zuming who?

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Strange search-engine queries (691)

You’ve probably seen this sort of thing before: you look for something, that something appears on one of the several pages here, and I look at what you were looking for.

britneys tg caption:  Oh, fergoshsakes, leave Britney alone.

webster parish convention & visitors bureau:  There’s got to be some way to attract tourists to this burg.

j’accuse polanski:  Sounds like a roman à clef to me.

blair apologized, but assured survivors of the hurricane that they had not been deserted. in fact, blair said, embassy staff had been working “day and night” in an attempt to reach britons trapped in a new orleans superdome stadium. which part of this excerpt is subjective?  Almost certainly all of it.

tweetier:  Oh, gawd, Sylvester’s hitting the Valium again.

assume that a film includes repeated scenes showing the trademark voom on the sports shoes of its attractive adolescent protagonists. although the film is successful among young audiences, no increase occurs in the sale of voom shoes:  Those shoes wouldn’t voom if you put four million volts through them.

finishable:  Something no one has said about David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.

payspal:  The third vector, after you rob Peter to pay Paul.

trollette:  For example, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY).

vajankle for sale:  Nobody leases anymore.

defiring:  “And now you want me back? Toughski shitski, Dmitri.”

the songs “there’s a man goin’ round takin’ names” and “i got a woman” are essentially the same song. the first is a traditional southern gospel song and “i got a woman” is ray charles’ revision of the song with r&b lyrics and a rhythm section:  To that we must add “The Death of Rock and Roll” by the Maddox Bros. and Rose.

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Strange search-engine queries (690)

Whose bright idea was it to have a Monday this week? Well, too late now, we’re stuck with it. And I have to see what’s kicking around in the logs.

southpole:  Not a whole lot warmer than the North.

invisible woman in pantyhose:  Wouldn’t that reduce her advantage over us ordinary folk?

desperate for recognition:  Oh, that’s her over there, the one who looks like an empty pair of tights.

captain we are being hailed:  Hold your course until it reaches the size of golf balls.

flute foosi:  The flat flute foosi? With the floy-floy?

donald duck ringtone play with my balls:  Hell, you don’t even have pants.

paul savage purchased a restaurant named burger haven from larry jones. the purchase would cause the number of reporting entities to:  Buy more French fries.

jasmine tridevil dead:  Little Miss Three Boobs is gone? I can’t believe it. (And neither can Snopes.)

sembling:  I don’t know, I’ve never sembled.

search engine colossus:  So, bigger than Bing, then?

assassination classroom:  Conveniently, next to the lunch room.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best?  “Aw, is my back hurting your knife?”

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Strange search-engine queries (689)

Don’t worry, your tax return isn’t late. Yet. And while you ponder the ramifications thereof, we’ll kill some time with some of the search strings sitting over there in the bin.

tonsf money:  It’s like “tons of money,” except that it really isn’t.

pencilneck recommends internet profits:  I remember when the Motley Fool used to do this.

silver daddy e:  Used to be “daddy o,” but age takes its toll.

grams grave groove:  GFY.

gfy meaning:  Well, it’s not “Google for yourself.”

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:  I didn’t think there were all that many animals like bats.

legitish:  Slightly less emphatic than “seems legit.”

you jizz:  YouTube doesn’t admit to its existence.

sembling:  Do it again and you’re resembling.

the queen’s publicists chose annie leibovitz to shoot the queen because they wanted to:  Get Chuck up on the throne before he becomes senile.

klipspringer thermometers:  A more salable name than “dik-dik.”

“paypal cash plus”:  Based on the primitive advertising notion that everyone’s favorite word is “cash.”

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Strange search-engine queries (688)

If you’re new around here, this happens most every Monday morning: we peek at the search strings that led people to this site, and to the extent possible, we make fun of them. Sometimes it works, too.

tulsa world dave simpson:  The dean of Oklahoma editorial cartoonists, sacked when one of his drawings looked too much like somebody else’s.

faker news:  The next step beyond mere fake news.

put a gallon in me allen:  Shoot the juice to me, Bruce.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries:  Of course, since it was a surplus store, all the tickets had been scratched off already.

“unroll.me”:  The mating call of the wild crescent roll.

mature sluts wearing ankle bracelets:  Jewelry, not tracking devices.

invisible woman data:  Index of refraction: ~0.

lonely stoner frees his mind at night:  And waits for the jailer to free his ass in the morning.

shaft meaning:  If you’d ever gotten it, you’d know.

pepto bismol flavored candy:  By weight, more expensive than actual Pepto-Bismol.

loose mama with truly mind-blowing enormous melons:  Minds are more easily blown than they used to be.

lewd ascii:  In those days, the only pornography you could download.

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Strange search-engine queries (687)

Time once again for another dip into the Big Box O’ Search Strings and see if we can find anything amusing therein. Really. No fooling.

Daisy and Violet Hilton, unloved:  And undeservedly so.

which of the real world attempts at “invisibility” is most like lois doberman’s? why?  Any that work. (In the Charles Sheffield short story, Dr. D has a bodysuit which feeds the image behind her to in front of her.)

mazda 6 jatco transmission failsafe:  Which, one may expect, is more fail than safe.

meg and rachel each have bowling balls with the same mass. they both roll them as hard as they can and then measure the speed of the balls. meg’s ball and rachel’s ball were measured to have the exact same speed. what do you know about the forces applied by the girls?  Um, did they knock any pins down?

a songwriter gets paid monthly at a rate of $150:  Which, I need hardly point out, is not enough to live on.

the girl with something extra:  Of all the TV series since ever, this is the one whose title sounds most like a Tumblr blog.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Not a TV series. Yet.

“amifampridine”:  Bernie Sanders wants to know how come it costs so much.

kieranravib:  Were this a drug, Bernie Sanders would want to know how come it costs so much.

promulent:  This year’s Spring Fling at Springfield High School.

artisan dwarf cabbage:  Size not guaranteed.

“the hacker exert” techoffice or “hacker news” or hack or leaked or “hack google”:  Where have all the script kiddies gone, long time failing?

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Strange search-engine queries (686)

Oh, come now. Your bracket can’t possibly be any worse than mine. And besides, I have to get to work.

austin power dildo experience:  I saw them open for the Playboys of Edinburgh at SXSW.

nagelandsex:  Where exactly is this Nageland, anyway?

the dirty vicar sketch:  Yeah, and it was goddamn funny, too.

“in color where available”:  Our children will not be able to comprehend black and white.

cooties urban dictionary:  What color are cooties, anyway?

lysol douche snopes:  There are plenty of douches connected to Snopes, but I have no idea what disinfectant they might use.

eyes glued to the screen:  Try Visine.

room temperature co2 reduction to solid carbon species on liquid metals featuring atomically thin ceria interfaces:  Hey, they’ll take anything if you call it “CO2 reduction.”

kirsten vangsness size:  She’s cuddly.

ford probe problems:  As if calling it “Probe” wasn’t bad enough.

judge jeanine cleavage:  Maybe, if Fox News decides to bring her back.

dustbury what does it do:  It’s brought you this for thirteen years, you farking ingrate.

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Strange search-engine queries (685)

By now you should be well past the most alarming aspect of green beer, and it’s time for us — for me, anyway — to get back to work.

27 track mind:  But only an 8-track player.

michelle left dirty dishes in the sink for a couple of days. when her roommate tania saw this, she:  Hurled them at the lazy bum with great vigor.

vintage diane webber:  In an era when vintage clothing is all the rage, it’s worth remembering someone who never wore any of it.

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  The same ones used on most reality shows.

bewbage:  You’ll know it when you see it.

soggy cardboard rule 34:  Wouldn’t you rather see some nice bewbage?

supercar blondie cameltoe:  Drive young, stay pretty.

written update handkerchief:  Hey, I was out of paper, okay?

weingeld:  Pay it, and you’ll never get rid of the Wein.

celty sturluson:  She’s kind and loving, but she will never go down on you.

dating limbo:  Like dating hell, except with slower feedback.

prior incantato:  A spell which rewinds to the beginning of the previous song.

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Strange search-engine queries (684)

We had one hour less to collect data this week. Do keep that in mind, wouldja please?

my little pony my little pony friendship is magic pony wedding figure princess cadance:  Make sure you get the genuine Cadance, not the one that’s a giant bug in disguise.

gazeth:  Been there, done that, eyes glazeth over.

dusk rundle mall:  Got to be faster than Lotus Notes.

didn’t ed roberts own the rights to altair basic since it was developed on his dime?  This is 2019. You might as well ask for trilobite blueprints.

“sr22” -ruger -rifle -cirrus:  So, insurance then?

flying jizz:  Probably better than drizzling it, you know.

lewd ascii:  You should see what they’re doing with Unicode these days.

anime girl with invisible hands:  Who knew there was a manga, and a gender-swapped manga at that, about Adam Smith?

define hoplophobe:  Someone who believes that only government officials and criminals should possess firearms.

experimental monorail tracks bronx 1910:  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would not approve.

how to remove tinder shadowban:  I have no idea, but I assume it involves swiping.

are there ipads left in stock:  Probably. Can we interest you in a Microsoft Surface?

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Strange search-engine queries (683)

What are you looking for these days? I’m sort of hoping it’s not something like these.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their situation had been painfully inadequate. blair apologized, but assured survivors of the hurricane that they had not been deserted. in fact, blair said, embassy staff had been working “day and night” in an attempt to reach britons trapped in a new orleans superdome stadium. which best states the purpose of this article excerpt? to inform readers about blair’s apology to persuade readers not to blame british diplomats to explain to readers why britons were “deserted” to convince readers to help british survivors:  What’s really strange is that all this boilerplate showed up twice.

lola astanova how tall:  About 1.24 Yuja Wangs.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  The main thing you have to remember is that you always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

markie post meatloaf:  “I’ll bring the Worcestershire sauce,” said Dan Fielding.

shaft meaning:  Some people, not even Urban Dictionary can help.

assume every semester after finals you fly back to your hometown using a​ $300 ticket you buy online. you have​ 40,000 frequent flier miles. you could exchange your miles for a​ round-trip ticket to bermuda over spring break:  Under the New Green Deal, possession of frequent-flyer miles will be a misdemeanor.

earstrings:  Like heartstrings, though more susceptible to noise.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  The one who just stuffed a roll of twenties into his back pocket.

shuttlecraft for sale craigslist:  Ask for Dr. Zefram Cochrane.

little dweeb:  You don’t hear much from big dweebs these days.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best? julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming dictator of rome. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he worked his way up, becoming rome’s president. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming rome’s dictator. he died naturally in 44 bce. julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he worked his way up, becoming rome’s dictator. he died naturally in 44 bce:  You know, it’s pretty bad when you have to go Googling for multiple-choice questions.

mistletoe knickers:  Well, you have to hang it somewhere.

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Strange search-engine queries (682)

A lot of people show up on fora with a single thought on their minds: “How do I clear my search history?” Well, you can delete it from your computer, but you can’t touch it at this end no matter how many keystrokes you’re willing to expend.

scott pruitt tells sosu not to discuss tudor case:  Big shot tries to throw his weight around.

invisibility fiction stories “girl”:  Are you absolutely certain they’re fiction?

how to make invisibility potion 8 minutes:  Patience, little one. Take it off the boil too soon and it’s apt to leave some body parts behind.

it’s just another show:  But you’ll watch it anyway, just to kill time.

gangbung school girl:  This is not the past tense of “gangbang.”

russell westbrook memes:  And they all say “Why not?”

hobnailed jackboots:  Almost essential; a jackboot with delicate neutral-colored stitching, open at the toe, really isn’t ideal for face-stomping.

gfy meaning:  If you can figure out the F, the rest will come to you.

brianna wu dust:  And unto dust she shall return, eventually.

chesterton nissan:  Open only on Thursdays.

the duality of humor and aggression in leadership styles:  A really good way to demoralize the staff.

media baron rupert murdoch bought tv guide in 1988 because:  He wanted to see if there was anything good on Fox.

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Strange search-engine queries (681)

Forums are full of “How do I delete my browser history?” There are times when I think they should probably delete their search history as well. It won’t affect this feature, since the search strings are already recorded, but maybe it will calm down Mom when she sees what they’ve been up to.

government shutdown 2 elctric bogaloo:  Well, yeah, I said that, but I also spelled it correctly.

god burns down equestria for insurance money:  Are you in good hooves?

slowlyturningsissy:  It’s a standard model move, to give you a better look.

skivvies topeka:  Have you seen the weather report? Go put some more clothes on.

silly sod:  This is Major Tom to Ground Control. Isn’t someone supposed to be, um, controlling the ground?

softer worser slower weaker:  This is what you get when you play a Daft Punk record backwards.

farty tail rule 34:  Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

the carson family will purchase three used cars. there are two models of cars available, model a and model b, each of which is available in four colors: blue, black, red, and green. how many different combinations of three cars can the carsons select if all the cars are to be different colors?  You can tell these are used cars because new cars are always black, white or grey.

mayonnaise lice snopes:  You notice they never say anything about Miracle Whip, despite the fact that it tastes like Satan’s jizz.

mousley cereal:  I’ll have a bowl without so much rat in it.

bypass tumblr safe mode:  Hardly seems necessary, now that they’ve kicked out all the smutty pictures.

viagra spokesmodels:  If they’re cute enough, you won’t need Viagra,

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Strange search-engine queries (680)

Monday, Monday. So good to you, because you get to read another collection of slightly-off search strings that somehow pointed these poor folks to this very site. (Perhaps not so good to me, since I have to compile them.)

shoshanna and jackson work in the same company and have the same immediate supervisor:  And God forbid they should start dating. (Fishing off the company pier isn’t always wise.)

NO CANDY HEARTS:  Yes, Mom. Can I go outside?

ancient smut:  You know, that Hatshepsut had a nice rack.

nagelandsex:  That lets out Hatshepsut. She’s an Egyptian!

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:  And that’s just the first eight bars.

nudist blog:  Be warned, this is not one of them.

@sentientjessica:  She’s kidding — I think.

ssl_error_bad_mac_read:  McDonald’s has yet to roll out the Bad Mac nationally. You waited for McRib, you’ll wait for this.

invisible girl movie:  Not seen yet.

google ad wrods:  Like “Ad Words,” but not constricted by such dubious qualities as “correct spelling.”

judge jeanine cleavage:  Never knew that was her last name.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4, where f(x) is the sales revenue in dollars and x is the number of customers visiting the store each day. if {17, 21, 24, 34} customers visited over four days, what is the income from bacon sales each day?  Greatly appreciated. Cherished, even.

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