The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

18 September 2005

Tales of the one-handed typist

Note: I have written this three times, rewritten it twice, and maybe twice isn't enough, but dammit, there comes a time when you have to put something out there and take your lumps. On the reasonable chance that some of you are encountering it for the first time on Monday at the office, I've set it after the jump, for reasons which will become distressingly evident.

I used to read Cynthia Heimel's column (called, with disarming simplicity, Women) in Playboy, where it ran as (not necessarily) a counterpoint to Men, by the late Asa Baber. Which led me to seek out some of her other stuff, which is why I remember this passage:

"If only I were a little prettier," she says to the men in the white coats, "and had better skin, and weren't a seething mass of psycho-neurotic schizophrenic paranoic manic depressiveness, someone would very probably love me."

This is a crock, said Heimel:

Ugly women have boyfriends, mean women have boyfriends, hopelessly insecure women have boyfriends, stupid women have boyfriends, women covered with hideous warts have boyfriends.

This would seem to suggest that what we define conventionally as "desirability" is not so essential as contemporary culture insists, which is why I picked up on this Aldahlia assertion:

I live by a simple rule concerning female attractiveness: As long as no one has called you "Grandma" yet, it's entirely likely that every male friend you've got has masturbated to you at least once.

It may be disgusting to consider in some cases. It may sound vain, and presumptuous, and inaccurate. But ... because I'm never gonna actually ask for confirmation, and no one can read their dirty little minds to factually disprove me, I assume that it's a basic law of male/female relations.

This means that my body image is probably healthier than it could be.

That's what it comes right down to, though. Being "pretty" is about attracting sexual attention, and 95% of girls are duly fuckable, so long as they don't smell funny or have oozing sores. And sometimes even that won't get in the way.

Beyond the question of whether "oozing sores" and "hideous warts" are in any way equivalent, this is certainly worthy of attention.

As regards myself, I can say only the following:

  • While I am disinclined to put out a list of, um, fantasy figures, I will state for the record that the upper age limit for same is at least sixty, and has been since I was thirty-five;

  • That word "duly" makes it sound too much like work to suit me;

  • That word "every" makes it sound like I'm falling behind in my work, so to speak.

What I'd like to know, frankly, is whether women are generally repelled by, delighted by, or utterly oblivious to, the thought that someone is thinking of them in this manner — or possibly all of the above, depending on circumstances.

(And while we're on the subject, do the same patterns exist for homosexuals?)

Posted at 5:57 PM to Table for One


What I'd like to know, frankly, is whether women are generally repelled by, delighted by, or utterly oblivious to, the thought that someone is thinking of them in this manner.

Yes. All of the above.

I suppose you want a more thoughtful answer than that, but I was quite startled reading the assertion initially at aldahlia (I found you through trackback there, which I found from trackback somewhere else, and so on.)

My jaw dropped a little when I first read the statement "As long as no one has called you "Grandma" yet, it's entirely likely that every male friend you've got has masturbated to you at least once." Then I thought, well, I suppose that's quite likely true. And now I'm remembering that I'm a professor, and wondering how many of my students have such thoughts about me, and I don't really want to think about it anymore.

Posted by: Elle at 7:31 PM on 18 September 2005

Oblivious. And now I want to take a shower. Thanks, Charles!

Posted by: Donna at 8:21 PM on 18 September 2005

LMAO.

Yeah, I had a serious "think twice, post once" moment before hitting the button myself.

Posted by: aldahlia at 12:33 PM on 19 September 2005

I knew a girl who found the thought to be sort of nice, she was super insecure.

Re: Age limit - How old is Isabella Rosseleni (sp)?

Posted by: Dave Munger at 6:06 PM on 20 September 2005

Fifty-three.

Posted by: CGHill at 6:11 PM on 20 September 2005