Wisdom of the ages

I can find no fault whatever with this declaration:

“Do not cheap out on the specially designed adhesive for merkins!”

Just thinking about the consequences of using inferior fastening techniques is making me squirm.

(See also “People for the Merkin Way.” Better yet, don’t.)


  1. Francis W. Porretto »

    30 September 2010 · 4:01 am

    Charles, with the recent puns I’m beginning to suspect that you have way too much time on your hands. Why not take up mah-johngg, or some such?

  2. Dan B »

    1 October 2010 · 6:07 pm

    Instructions for proper use of a merkin:

    Confirm that merkin is the proper size before wearing. Use of an improperly sized merkin may result in paralysis or death.

    On first use your merkin may be stiff and difficult to attach properly. Do not be embarrassed to ask for assistance. For best results we recommend that four persons be recruited for this purpose–one to grasp either leg, one to apply the merkin, and one to act as lookout.

    Once the merkin is in place, it should be appropriately lubricated using light sewing machine oil, petroleum jelly, #2 fuel oil, or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter when on sale at Safeway. Do not use so much lubricant that it dribbles in the street. Your merkin should not ‘squish’ when in use.

    Your merkin is highly flammable. Do not use if temperature rises above 73 degrees. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, “I’M ON FIRE GODDAMIT.” Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small.

    Source: The Straight Dope

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