The 3-Word Commentary feature, which survived here for five years this was its introduction has fallen into desuetude, as most of the quick-and-dirty stuff it was intended to highlight seems to have migrated to Twitter.
Rather than delete the stuff, though, I’ve migrated it all to this post. Keep in mind that the oldest links by now may have rotted away to 404ness. And because this is very long, it’s below the jump.
Belgian senator calls for withholding sex until a coalition government can be formed: Aristophanes demands royalties.
Kimberly, Wisconsin loses its time capsule: Not shovel ready.
Joan Baez bruised after falling out of treehouse: Dylan says nothing.
Falling in love takes only one-fifth of a second: Fifteen minutes wasted.
Cee Lo Green releases expurgated version of his hit, retitled “Forget You”: It’s immediately forgotten.
Furry seeks name change to “Boomer the Dog”: Was he fixed?
McDonald’s customer shoves sandwich down her pants, gets indignant: McNuggets not involved.
Hindu gods not permitted to trade on Indian stock market: “Chakra deficit.” Ganesha
Chinese ban “LMAO”: “WTF” still popular.
California welfare debit cards found to work in most state casinos: Assembly lining up.
Annoyed British woman literally rips off ex-boyfriend’s testicle: That takes balls.
Florida woman’s street address replaced on driver’s license by “Eat Ass”: Staff butts chewed.
Thelma Lou robbed in Mayberry: Barney Fife’s away.
No more floppy disks from Sony: Failing PlayStations continue.
University of North Dakota to abandon tribal name for its athletic teams: Siouxts were threatened.
Houston apartment complex offers a clothing-optional sundeck: Helicopters on alert.
Chihuahuas will actually eat stuff from Taco Bell: And survive, apparently.
Manly cupcakes for manly men: Hold the sprinkles.
Tracy, California now charges for calls to 911: Dying still free.
Saudis refuse to accept Biggus Dickus as Pakistani ambassador: Pontius Pilate heartbroken.
Global-warming boffin writes romance novel: Little heat generated.
Jessica Simpson has no problem with cutting the cheese: Enjoy the bries.
Burger King opens first location in Russia: Whopper orders you!
New Jersey Nets cut Sean Williams in preparation for arrival of Shawne Williams: Where’s Shaun Williams?
A San Francisco Supervisor vows to drop a steady flow of F-bombs: Nobody ******* cares.
IBM patents LOL, IMO: WTF? IP, BFD.
Man with humongous penis can’t find a job in New York: Bankers turn, shudder.
Will nursing become a predominately-male phenomenon? Patients, young padawan.
SF Weekly writer receives photo of excrement in the mail: The usual crap?
Hyundai USA claims to have sold -2 Entourage minivans in November ’09: And without rebates.
The Mood Chair determines your state of mind from the state of your rear: The tell-tale tail?
Russians build armored car without using whale penis: Hummer presumably facepalms.
Flashing technique described as “quick-draw method”: T’ain’t funny, McGraw.
White House reports 2,600 trick-or-treaters: Lobbyists not included.
Burger King sells a Windows 7 Whopper in Japan: Without apple pie.
Rachel Maddow says she “looks like a dude”: Aerosmith song needed.
Singer Nena part of a German cult which claims to own a time machine: Balloons not involved.
Anti-wi-fi paint developed: Easier than tinfoil.
Wisconsin Tourism Federation discovers what “WTF” means, changes name: Too much information.
Man sues Bank of America for $1.7 sextillion: Plus damages, yet.
Rare Malaysian spider species named for David Bowie: Not from Mars.
Wisconsin child born on 9/9/09 at 9:09, weighed 9 lb 9 oz: Promptly 8 something.
Wisconsin woman forges prescription for drug that does not exist: Cheese, brats eliminated.
Shania Twain getting married: Party for two?
The place where John Hughes died: Sixteen-candle memorial.
Vampire Barbie: Yes, Mattel sucks.
Aromatherapy via USB thumb drive: Actual storage: zilch.
Oklahoma City cemetery in foreclosure: No evictions scheduled.
Germans develop water-soluble bikini: Pray for rain.
AT&T reported to be unblocking 4chan: Reprisals discontinued shortly.
AT&T reported to be blocking 4chan: Reprisals expected momentarily.
It is evidently illegal to threaten to kill telemarketers: Who’d have thought?
Military regards PowerPoint as “harmful”: Possibly also “annoying”.
Cheap Trick’s The Latest will be available on 8-track: No cassettes, though.
Woman and four daughters spend £40,000 on boob jobs: Racked with debt?
Wells Fargo Bank sues itself: Other verbs considered.
Man shows up nude for dental appointment: Drilling not performed.
Dwarves object to use of term “midget”: Snow White downcast.
ASCAP sues AT&T to collect royalties on ringtones: Switching to “vibrate.”
Feds contemplate ban on Vicodin, Percocet: House contacts importers.
Infomercial star Billy Mays found dead: And thoroughly OxiCleaned.
Woman trades sex for case of Frito-Lay chips: Cheetohs never win.
Man spray-paints Corvette rotors: Epic brake fail.
Six Flags files for Chapter 11: Renamed Four Flags.
George Lucas named Archbishop of Omaha: Ewoks preferred C-3PO.
Melissa Joan Hart opens a candy store: “Delicious,” explains Clarissa.
Barack Obama-shaped dildos: No moving parts.
Walmart doesn’t sell a lot of Nine Inch Nails recordings: No ****, ************.
Shots fired at Kent State students: Nobody dead, fortunately.
Nude yard work wanted along Mississippi Gulf Coast: Uniforms strongly discouraged.
Kate Moss reportedly planning a cookbook: Kate Moss eats?
Inmate in Oklahoma takes a swig of bleach: Not Sierra Mist.
Vero Beach, Florida issues legal definition of “buttocks”: Rump parliament unnecessary.
The Simpsons to appear on 44-cent stamps: Postmasters having cow.
The Glenn Beck Drinking Game: I’m just saying.
Brazilian waxing apparently will not become illegal in New Jersey: Hairy situation avoided.
Florida student suspended for farting: Passing grade withheld?
Brazilian waxing may become illegal in New Jersey: Bush supporters, evidently.
Watchers of Watchmen complaining about Dr. Manhattan’s big blue penis: Blue balls ignored.
Kathie Lee Gifford sleeps in the buff: Entire nation yawns.
Some 75 iPhone apps simulate flatulence: Steve Jobs aghast.
That sweet, sugary smell in New York City? It’s New Jersey.
Albuquerque mom gives marijuana to daughter and daughter’s BFF: Thanks, Mrs. Weed!
City of Birmingham dropping apostrophes from street signs: Some morons decision.
Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman may run for Governor of California: Positive feedback here.
An invasive species of trout in Yellowstone Lake may be fought with Jell-O: Presumably, unflavored variety.
A doll that fills its own diapers: Refills, five dollars.
Burger King introduces a signature fragrance: Whoppers not touched.
Three female KFC employees in California suspended for taking a dip in the restaurant’s sink: Original Recipe, naturally.
Barack Obama’s Chrysler 300C offered on eBay: Not a hybrid.
Blogger offers $50 for Dodge: Nobody wants Chrysler.
The BBC would like to apologize for the indecent-exposure incident on Radio 1: Nothing seen, but …
Mary-Kate Olsen up to 102 lb, rumored to be pregnant: Eating for one?
Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is banned in China: Using their illusions.
The last Yugo comes off the assembly line: And promptly stalls.
Australian Kotex advertisement uses animated beaver: Flat tail, yet.
Sir Paul McCartney donates to charity a document signed by Eleanor Rigby: Face jar unavailable.
It takes 40 minutes to eat a roll of Necco wafers: They’re not trying.
Overweight women have more sex than “normal” women: Olive Oyl disconsolate.
Swedish researchers claim coffee can shrink women’s breasts: Smaller cups ahead.
Deceased Chicago-area goldfish sent voter-registration packet: Dead, therefore Democratic.
Roger Ebert walks out of a film after eight and a half minutes: Seven too many.
PETA suggests Ben & Jerry’s switch to human milk for their ice cream: “Express Yourself” flavor?
Jessica Simpson admits to flatulence: Gas futures plummet.
Italian model offers to sell her virginity for one million euros: Price regulators apoplectic.
Church of England apologises to Charles Darwin for “misunderstanding” evolutionary theory: American institutions silent.
Men who drive cars with heated seats risk lowered fertility: Cheaper than vasectomy.
Wellesley College misplaces a Fernand Léger painting worth millions: Down the Tubists?
Is nude online poker legal? Fewer shirts lost.
NBA slash fiction: Redefines “power forward.”
“Hello martyr, hello Fatah”: Best title ever?
Feds to offer debit MasterCard instead of checks for Social Security: Landlords take plastic?
India’s Bajaj Auto produces a motorcycle that makes you “feel like God”: Obama’s ordering two.
Warner Bros. plans Marvin the Martian theatrical film: Earth-shattering Kaboom anticipated.
Millionaire Bruce Wayne can buy anything in Gotham City: Except for insurance.
1800-year-old relic of Elvis Presley found: Kissin’ cousin, anyway.
Does eating too much soy cause memory loss? I don’t remember.
Pathologists find possible weakness in HIV: Vaccine testing next?
Tips for meeting your future self: Super Bowls involved.
Hello Kitty antivirus and firewall software: No words necessary.
Frenchman with two asses arrives in Sweden: Bureaucrats temporarily stymied.
Bebe Neuwirth is Morticia Addams: Speaks French, too.
Revenues from Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” exceed $500 million: All that glitters.
New Sprint phones will talk to Lotus Notes: Slowly, I suspect.
Pancake batter in aerosol form: And it’s organic!
Victoria’s Secret offers “free tank”: Turret not included.
Prince Charles repays royal debt from 1651: Adjusted for inflation?
Preparation H now a popular “club” drug: Intended for assholes.
You can’t assume today’s students can actually read your handwriting: Cursive foiled again.
Truck hauling Oreo cookies overturns in Illinois: Got no milk.
The manager of a New Zealand bar catches a tagger, paints his face and clothes: Drawing considerable applause.
Houston woman has maximum breast implants allowed by Texas law: Next, back brace.
Robot squirrel deployed: Spurns hex nuts.
Residents of Lesbos seek exclusive rights to word “Lesbian”: To include guys.
New jeans are baggy yet still tight: Traveling Sisterhood appalled.
Lawn-mowing robots recalled because one humanoid was dumb enough to pick one up: Gene pool unpurified.
Maureen Dowd once had a bowling trophy: Not a guttersnipe.
Monica Lewinsky shows up with a pearl necklace: This one’s strung.
MTV can’t bring itself to spell out Devo’s song title “Jocko Homo”: Obviously not men.
Schlitz Classic to return: Milwaukee’s fame unchanged.
Printer manufacturer Lexmark says we print too much: Paper manufacturers snicker.
Sally Kern vs. a-ha: Take on her.
WordPerfect yet lives: New version shipping.
Imax films to be available on mobile phones: More Squint subscribers.
Icahn has lawsuit: O hai, Motorola.
Marriage proposals via Twitter: Short and tweet.
A “virtual vigil for peace”: Add a candle.
Kelly Clarkson spurns underwear: “Miss Independent,” indeed.
Find out where Ludacris has a ho: Long distance runaround.
How climate really works: An inconvenient overview.
Catherine Zeta-Jones says she’s too old to do sexy scenes: Helen Mirren guffaws.
Female superheroes in the Marvel Universe have an average Body Mass Index of 19.3: She-Hulk not impressed.
“Spongebob Squarepants” rectal thermometer: I blame Squidward.
The Artist Presently Known as Prince needs hip-replacement surgery: “Little red Chevette….”
Senator Clinton is offered $750k to pose nude: LASIK ban imminent.
Who’s that with the finger up his nose? Tom Brokaw, yes?
Is John McCain really an illegal alien? Think “Canal Zone.”
The five most badass American Presidents: None recent, alas.
Solar-powered vibrator: For outdoor use?
Woman deposits envelope containing methamphetamine at ATM: Police take interest.
Dolly Parton postpones a tour: Racked with pain.
Hillary knows all there is to know about the crying game: So did Muskie.
Woolworths withdraws “Lolita” bed set for girls after learning its implications: Includes pillowcases, Quilty.
Foo Fighters cancel several concerts: Foo too strong.
Some UK fiber will be laid along sewer lines: More crap downloaded.
“Most women who abort are mothers”: Or were, anyway.
Zimbabwe to issue ten-million-dollar banknote: Worth five bucks.
A British recycling center has been plucking risqué photos from the trash and using them for office pinups: Shredders remain inexpensive.
Missouri legislator proposes removing sales tax on bowling equipment: Legislative split expected.
New Tasers incorporate MP3 player in carrying case: Sting comes preloaded.
Who’s to blame for $100 oil? Some egomaniacal dipshit.
Six reasons why Star Trek should remain dead: Ferengi not mentioned.
Chinese automaker SAIC buys out rival Nanjing: Where’s the MG?
Women with short legs have higher risk of liver disease: Heels don’t help.
Student reportedly gets detention for using Firefox: It’s a fake.
Chocolate bubble wrap: Not Cocoa Puffs.
Merriam-Webster’s “Word of the Year” is “w00t”: N00bs obviously pwned.
Give your baby a hand: A disembodied hand.
Squirrel armor: Nutcracker not included.
Some Western Digital external drives come with DRM-ridden client software: Seagate sales soaring.
The National Archives offers genuine Government Red Tape: Nineteenth century, yet.
BMW plays the Race Card: Quite innocently, too.
Two Russian boys playing Guitar Hero in the nude: I blame vodka.
Debbie Deborah Gibson gets a new nose: Looks foolishly beaten.
An indicated 219 mph in a Lamborghini on an Arizona freeway: Daring, yet moronic.
Marauding transvestites terrorize a McDonald’s: McNuggets not involved.
The Jane Austen action figure: Darcy sold separately.
Hitler banned from Internet forum: Godwin’s Law enforceable.
The cure for Clostridium difficile is a load of crap: Somebody else’s, yet.
Cursed man marries bitch: This is news?
Wisconsin policeman accidentally tasers himself: Pain plus reprimand.
Maxtor inadvertently ships drives preloaded with virus: No, not Windows.
Visa’s initial public offering valued at $10 billion: MasterCard not accepted.
Nudist resort files for bankruptcy: No pockets, apparently.
“Wedgie-proof” underpants: Bullies weep profusely.
New “Momspit” hand cleaner: Mom not included.
Mac OS X 10.5 indicates Windows machines on a network with a Blue Screen of Death icon: Without even crashing.
Coolest quilt ever: Q*bert would approve.
Paris Hilton plans a humanitarian mission to Rwanda: Underwear shortage predicted.
Got osteoarthritis? Blame the Smurfs.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Smaller is better.
The “Impact Jacket”: Airbags for bikers.
You can no longer call someone a “weathervane” in the Québec legislature: “Blowhard” still acceptable.
U can has memoriez: LolCats, the musical.
Punk-rock T-shirts in Arabic: Casbah remains unrocked.
Gummy Haggis: Angry Scotsman brand.
Milwaukee considering a statue of Arthur Fonzarelli: Jumpable shark optional.
There will be no shooting at pigeons in Cincinnati’s football stadium: More crap coming.
Advice from the Automotive Oil Change Association: Need you ask?
The Outrage Generator: Instant identity politics.
What killed the Eighties? I blame Microsoft.
Finally, a meaningful tattoo: Don’t view publicly.
Squirrels tackle an obstacle course: A nutty goal.
The Avenging Unicorn set: To the point.
Hsu-per California Donors Extradition Opus: Reeking of precocity.
Dr Kevorkian’s Cadillac for sale: Carbon monoxide optional.
Why Subway arranges the cheese slices the way they do: Offending geometric decency.
The “Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit”: Because feces transpire.
Swiss build invisible plane: Wonder Woman shrugs.
When an eel bites its prey, then it drags it away: That’s a moray.
Sony introduces a battery that runs on glucose: Diabetics not impressed.
“Green” concept vehicle from Dubai: One horse power.
Bloggers of the third century: Little has changed.
For a small fee you can own fecal matter from Mike Tyson: Not branded “Turdblossom.”
Yoko Ono likes her Bentley better than your hybrid: A comfort issue.
DVD-sniffing dogs: Region codes, anyone?
What $600k will buy you in New York City: Parking not included.
Virtual fuzzy dice: Microsoft’s killer app.
5000-year-old chewing gum found in Finland: Already been chewed.
Is Rupert Murdoch considering buying out Drew Curtis? Fark’s News Channel?
Fox News in 1949: A different audience.
USB tie fan: Such a blowhard.
A cause you can get behind: Rachel Sawyer’s ass.
How to approach chorizo: Ignore the ingredients.
How much is that doggie in the timeshare? Man’s best rental?
Sixty-foot image of penis burned into lawn surrounding Idaho governor’s mansion: Boise behaving badly?
What would Jesus drive? This modified Mini.
Blu-ray takes the lead over HD DVD in the format wars: Among thieves, anyway.
Is John Edwards “the sexiest woman alive”? Beats Hillary, anyway.
Sales of stockings plummet: Men’s enthusiasm, likewise.
The Washington Shakespeare Company stages an all-nude Macbeth: Out, damned underpants!
The Hillary Nutcracker: Nuts available separately.
“Solar bikini” produces enough power for an iPod: Though not waterproof.
Zombie food pyramid: Recommended nightly allowances.
Can’t afford to buy an iPhone? Knit yourself one.
What’s the opposite of a Care Bear? No antimatter required.
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apparently Fox does.
UK to draw up “bill of rights” for fish: Nothing for chips?
The iDildo: Touch pad? Where?
The case for Troll 2 as worst horror movie sequel ever: No trolls present.
Wes Craven sues Pauly Shore over household runoff: Wow. Seepage, dude.
The 40 Day Fast: Because it matters.
Herman Munster victimized by identity thief: I blame Grandpa.
She’s a lumberjack: And she’s okay.
What’s in your sewing basket? A whole world.
Presbyterian ninjas: Only in Arkansas.
Drywall and masturbation: Together at last.
Water found in Tulsa time capsule where ’57 Plymouth is buried: Rust never sleeps.
June is National Celibacy Awareness Month: I know. [sigh]
“Booz2Go” powdered alcohol: Just add … water?
8.08 GPA: Cheers are resounding.
Washing machine with an iPod dock: Clean songs only.
Visit the STFU Museum in Tyronza, Arkansas: Silence purely optional.
$82 screw: Pentagon? Nope. Sony.
“Implied ogre nudity”: Shrek, you devil!
Chris Dimino’s The Shining clock: Here’s Johnny hourly.
Leonard Nimoy’s photos of plus-size nudes: It’s life, Jim.
Obama hawks hybrids, yet drives Chrysler 300C with Hemi: Taste trumps thrift.
What should one name a gar? If female, “Teri.”
The Pessimist Mug: Indicates “half empty.”
Stanford develops “virtual police lineup”: Jack Webb speechless.
Want to save the planet? Don’t travel anywhere.
The Idiot’s Cube: Rubik made easy.
The history of toilet paper: Before Sheryl Crow.
And how was your pizza, sir? “Oh, just fine.”
Spın̈al Tap to reunite at Live Earth: Drummer still undetermined.
The Racial Slur Database: Equal opportunity offenders.
In two weeks Microsoft sells a whole 244 copies of Vista in China: Embedded base: millions.
Oklahoma declares watermelon its state vegetable: After considering Istook.
“Butte blast blamed on leaking gas”: That’s pronounced “byoot.”
Don Ho passes away: Head never nappy.
SD cards and flash drives via vending machine: Jogging your memory.
Bartles and Jaymes to return: Your support solicited.
I read a lot of books, but: Not this many.
Scum: I ain’t afraid.
Uncle Ben, rice magnate: Conversion process complete.
India’s United Villages: Wi-Fi on wheels.
Manolo does huaraches: Eight hundred buckolas.
Washable keyboards: For us klutzes.
What would Reed Richards drive? Apparently a Dodge.
Wireless routers: “Can be tricky.”
“Live each day as though it were your last:” Better yet, don’t.
The Great Pyramid of Cheese: Kraft supplants Art.
Surgeon overdoes liposuction: Half-assed technique.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”: And all this.
DVD-sniffing dogs: Pirates stocking Eukanuba.
American couples increasingly choosing separate bedrooms: Sandman drawing overtime.
USDA may approve rice with human genes: Uncle Ben’s descendants?
“Ann Coulter Does Not Speak for Me”: A different spin.
The Bagel Monologues: Comparatively speaking, anyway.
Is Jenny there? By area code.
Turkish textile shop “borrows” Google name and logo: Searching is encouraged.
“Scum of the Earth” bill moving through Oklahoma legislature: Protection when pregnant.
Steve Martin once wrote of “cruel shoes”: Maybe like these.
Planned Parenthood to offer branded wireless service through Sprint: Termination fees waived.
Tracking down Mr Incredible and family: Perhaps in Tulsa?
Jack Black’s Beard Lube: Guaranteed positively tenacious.
Rubik’s Revolution: The Cube, illuminated.
Death in a jar: Creamy or crunchy.
“Black/White issues have jumped the shark”: Great White, perhaps?
Streaker meets streaker: It’s true love.
Islam forbids smileys: That’s so :(.
Stephen Colbert’s appeal: Not entirely vanilla.
Lindsay Lohan apparently still has her appendix: In the freezer.
Electrasol Dishwasher Tablets: Do not eat.
RealPlayer: Choice of al-Qaeda?
Most De Lorean parts available again: Except flux capacitors.
Your dog wants beer: And a steak.
“Self-flushing, self-washing cat box”: Cats not amused.
Louisville declares war on dogs: Ordinance with teeth.
Hold your wee for a Wii: Not this much.
KISS issues platinum Visa card: Christine Sixteen Percent?
Inventor of ramen noodles dies at 96: Impecunious students mourn.
Fark.com in book form: Duke presumably sucks.
Owl 1, Rabbit 0: How was lunch?
“Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all?” Oh, yes, sir.
Beavis and Butt-head ought to be about 27 by now: But that sucks.
Does this home alarm system really work? Ask the burglar.
Botanicalls: Call any vegetable.
What if God was one of us? Holy flurking schnit!
Goal: get 100 women into the shower with you: I’m ninety-eight behind.
German newspaper to establish English-language version in Second Life: Virtual birdcages lined.
Miniskirts in wintertime: Not so hot.
Hello Kitty platinum edition: Nineteen million yen.
Microsoft FrontPage: Dead, not gone.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell and may end up in dessert? Dung containing vanillin.
Jersey City: Not that cool. [Not that safe for work, either.]
Build your own Dalek: Extermination module extra.
Spray-on condoms: Do not inhale.
“Second verse, same as the first”: It wasn’t originally.
A true armchair library: Books not included.
Comedy Central’s “Baxter and McGuire”: Animation with balls.
“No death in home”: Major selling point.
“I laughed, but then, it’s not my child”: Worst. Tattoo. Ever.
A chick with big knockers: Balance and symmetry.
Woman drinks three liters of Coca-Cola a day, complains about insomnia: Switch to Sprite.
Australians produce playable air guitar using sensors built into a shirt: Air groupies next?
Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream: Future Jones Soda.
Spongebong Hemppants: Serious seaweed here.
Woman gets tattoo with image of Anderson Cooper: Olbermann sobbing uncontrollably.
All your fakes are belong to us: Asses fact-checked.
Gawker looking for an alternative term for “douchebag”: Deadline: summer’s eve.
Bob Barker not interested in doing nude scenes: Price apparently wrong.
Nude Auto Mall: No seat covers.
Artificial foreskin for circumcised men: Tips gratefully appreciated.
How to kill a pet fish: Gin, in quantity.
Manufacturer recalling street lights: Pedestrians getting beaned.
“Extra anus” kills four-legged chicken: What an asshole.
Chuck Norris reviews “Chuck Norris Facts”: Not necessarily accurate.
A permanent telephone number: Pray it’s unlisted.
The, um, little Prince: Darling Nikki recoils.
Deep-fried Coca-Cola: No diet version.
Porsche Cayenne Turbo used as police cruiser in Russia: Former police state.
The Romanian word for “assholes” is “gaozar”: Use it wisely.
Battle of the Album Covers: The vinyl solution.
Instapundit might sell for $800k: Not including “Heh.”
Mark Foley’s iPod playlist: Boys keep swinging.
Fly the friendly skies: Except you, Johnson.
Mary Hart, alas, has not aged well, at least from here up: The legs abide.
Robert B. Parker starts a blog: Spenser: For Comments.
Domain okcsonics.com offered for $49,500: No move? 50.
Top 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports: Second: Dick Trickle.
How to turn children away from cotton candy: Mention clown hair.
“You don’t like my cell phone? What you gonna do about it?” Something like this.
President of Humane Society of US eschews term “dogs” in favor of “Canine-Americans”: “Bitches” presumably verboten.
Gridskipper taking votes for World’s Sexiest City: Lawton unaccountably snubbed.
Prepackaged ice for your bottled water: Freeze it first.
Bath soap with caffeine: Latte, rinse, repeat.
There once was a woman who lived in a shoe: Never sacrificing style.
Lexus hybrid police cruisers put on the streets of England: Fuel-efficient chases.
Mattel sues a Brazilian artist for depicting Barbie as a lesbian: Ken’s clamming up.
Transparent toilet tank incorporates small aquarium: Crappie won’t fit.
Lobsters communicate by urinating on one another: Just like politicians.
New Japanese toilet has built-in MP3 player: Thereby redefining “download.”
Love letters to Castro: A Stalinist tradition.
All your snakes are belong to us: A base canard.
Indian man has two penises, wants to lose one: Anybody taking donations?
Viagra apparently keeps cut flowers from wilting: Stamens with stamina!
Howard Dean and Cliff Clavin: Separated at birth?
Antibacterial mouse: Sorta safer surfing.
83 words you can’t say on Verizon Wireless: “Dillhole” still permissible.
Banana guard: Not a condom.
ESAD: Except for bunnies.
Hormonal functions of semen: Wasted on Kleenex®.
Time Warner, Comcast dissolve joint cable venture: Moloch hates Beelzebub.
Waterbury, CT considering strict dress code for educators: Van Halen despondent.
Save the Union 76 ball: From Phillips 66.
Pepto-Bismol® ice cream: Reportedly tames hangovers.
Masturbate for Peace: Wanks a lot.
Gummi beers: No, not bears.
Ultra Slut Body Detergent: Goes on easy.
Ann Coulter has instincts similar to Sharon Stone’s: Plus actual underwear.
“Mood sofa” lights change to indicate warmth or distance between its occupants: Where’s the remote?
The Abercrombie & Fitch Trauma Center: Somebody’s reading catalogs.
“Hose Nose” candy boogers: Snot for me.
Fruit loofahs: Contain no juice.
Mick Cornett discovers YouTube: Voters stifle yawns.
The new Popemobile is a Volvo XC90: German automakers baffled.
It ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings: Often, she is.
Some places, you can’t even say [CENSORED]tail: What a [CENSORED]ry.
Cats that look like Hitler: Our führery friends.
Mariah Carey’s legs reportedly insured for $1 billion: Voice, fifty bucks.
Changing Windows XP Home to XP Pro with Registry hacks: Microsoft prefers MasterCard.
Not an officially-licensed Snakes on a Plane product: Includes Hiss cards.
Carnegie Mellon builds a robot to play the bagpipes: Does it drink?
Singer Pink would like to be invisible and run around town unclothed: Like, who wouldn’t?
The Yarmulkebra: Fits, no kvetching.
Lesbian refrigerator magnets: Exactly as advertised.
Worst. Apron. Ever: Zero wool content.
A replica of a human colon five meters long goes on display in New Zealand: Super Bowel Sunday?
So how are X-Persons Iceman and Rogue ever supposed to have sex? Think “applied technology.” [Possibly NSFW]
Spammers for Schwarzenegger: Should be Terminated.
The Lord is my Surfer: The biggest Kahuna.
Warning label of the month: Now that’s scary.
Calvin Klein has trademarked the term “technosexual”: Robots should sue.
Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend may have faked his own death: Won’t get physical.
Superman is a Methodist: Clark Kent, anyway.
Jamie Foxx says that 30 minutes of sex daily will keep you in shape: I’m years behind.
“Pimp” is a four-letter word: And deservedly so.
Cordless jump-rope: Next, the bungee.
The Bible on fisting: Among other things. [NSFW]
You can buy Bill Clinton-brand condoms in China: What? No cigars?
This is not Tom Joad’s bookshelf: But he’d understand. [NSFW]
Counseling for your pet? Not here, pal.
Pasco County, Florida nudist resorts fighting for customers: Cover charges reduced?
Who wears short shorts? Iraqis used to.
Experimental “metamaterials” hint at the possibility of personal invisibility: Karl Rove pre-orders.
New Jersey planning to name a state dirt: Turnpike dust disregarded.
The most sex-obsessed town on the Net: Elmhurst, Illinois? Sheesh.
The Missile Dick Chicks: Piercing satirical act.
Dr Jack Kevorkian reportedly near death: Fetch “The Machine.”
Gummy banana slugs: Just add salt.
DWN (Driving While Nude): Leather seats? Bah.
Women’s mathematical abilities decline if they’re wearing skimpy swimsuits: Different figures entirely.
Eau de Play-Doh: “Doh!” is right.
In Blogger spellcheck, “Hyannisport” brings up the suggested change “Hangover”: Kennedy curse, indeed.
Mark Cuban says every billion dollars is worth 10 inches: Color me ingrown.
The ultimate earrings: Don’t panic, scenesters.
Wolfgang Puck’s self-heating canned lattes are being recalled: Serve with torts.
“Mild” form of bird flu found in Camden County, New Jersey: Mild? In Camden?
Marin County, California, has one real-estate agent for every 117 adults: Sell now! Quickly!
Dog condoms: Not for bitches.
A museum in Inner Mongolia says it has a bra a thousand years old: The padding’s gone.
Dad makes Kansas girl who ditched school hold up a confession to that effect on a street corner: Everything’s spelled correctly.
Merchants cannot require a minimum purchase to use a credit card: Doritos on Visa!
Pomegranate martinis: Vermouth officially endangered.
18 April is National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day: Sorry, got none.
Blog tip-jar donations should be reported to the IRS as ordinary income: Templates recoded nationwide.
Sweaters for penguins: Well, it’s cold.
Volkswagen to bring back “Rabbit” as US name for the Golf: “Scheisskiste” was taken?
Snakes on a Drink: Not at airports.
US trade deficit with China drops 4.1 percent: Was Wal-Mart closed?
The shooting of Dick Cheney: Halliburton’s insurance adequate.
“Keep the George, lose the Bush”: Hollywood wax job?
The late R&B singer Ernie K-Doe running for Mayor of New Orleans: Improvement over Nagin.
Did Jesus ask Judas to betray him?: Before Dateline, even.
Aspartame is not linked to cancer in humans: It’s still “diet”.
Meredith Vieira to replace Katie Couric at Today: Nicer legs, anyway.
“Boot Camp” allows Intel-based Macs to run Windows apps: Oooh, blue screen!