Far to go

Few things are quite as disconcerting as happening upon your doctor at the supermarket. Fortunately, my basket was nearly empty at the time, else I might have had to endure something like this:

Caving to my doctor’s incessant prodding to partake of healthier fare containing rather large amounts of high fiber and less potables, I began a stout regimen of bran, greens and moderate sobriety.

An hour after promising to attempt a healthier lifestyle just to shut his yammering pie hole, I made a tedious, label reading trip through the store and loaded the pantry with bran flakes, assorted brown grains and other unappetizing foodstuffs I had absolutely no desire to eat.

The results were pretty much what you’d expect:

How in the hell can any medical professional recommend such a gruesome diet that would limit most sentient people to a solitary life compatible with isolated penal confinement or eating grubs in some remote island cave? You simply can’t go out in public after indulging in this bit of healthful idiocy.

Well, you can, but you have to be able to deftly deflect any and all attention that might be paid to your overactive butt trumpet. It helps to work in an unpleasant industrial environment, where such ructions scarcely will be noticed.


  1. fillyjonk »

    4 October 2011 · 8:27 pm

    I will confess to loading up my cart with canned beets and tomato sauce and similar things (canned veggies keep, so you don’t have to worry about using them up all at once) on the days I want to buy a box of cookies…just in case there are any types I imagine are judging me on my choices as I go through the checkstand.

    The upside? Come the Zombie Apocalypse, no way I’m going to wind up starving. Or even getting scurvy.

  2. CGHill »

    4 October 2011 · 8:36 pm

    Unless, of course, the zombies decide to steal all the can openers. (Which seems unlikely, given their dubious mental state.)

  3. canadienne »

    5 October 2011 · 1:26 pm

    The idiocy is in making that big a change in one’s diet all at once. It’s kind of like “My doctor said I need more exercise so I am running a marathon tomorrow.” And it works both ways – I suffer when I’m on the road and eating fast food.

    Also veggies can be tasty if you take the time to figure out how to cook them and are open to new flavours.

    I tend to eat as healthy as possible, lots of veggies, but not puritanically – am I the only person around who eats both bacon and arugula?

    FJ, I never judge anyone, ever, about what they put in their cart (or care what they eat, frankly). If you’re ahead of me in the lineup, I’m probably bored and checking out your groceries to see if you have found anything interesting that I’ve overlooked (a box of really good cookies, for example) or trying to figure what you’re going to make with, say, the beets (borscht? glazed beets?)

    There are people who are puritanical about food out there (also about a lot of other things, for that matter). I say, ignore ’em (that’s rather more polite than what I was going to say.)

  4. fillyjonk »

    5 October 2011 · 4:36 pm

    I dunno, I have a lot of body and food issues. I realize they’re issues but I have a hard time getting past them. Even though I can see the idiocy of things (like) people saying Christie shouldn’t run for office because he’s “fat.”

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