I was told there would be no polymath

You probably remember this bit from the notebooks of Lazarus Long:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

Which brings us to one Thomas Ackerman, charged with arson at an Oklahoma City coin laundry:

When police arrived, Ackerman said he wanted to be put in leg shackles for their safety because his feet “were certified weapons in Nevada.”

He also claimed to hold seven college degrees and said he worked as an architectural engineer, truck driver, mixed martial artist, traveling disc jockey, phlebotomist, stuntman and sex toy engineer.

There is, however, no indication that he has ever been married to Morgan Fairchild.

Addendum: Jennifer is not surprised:

Clearly, with that resume, he was the least qualified member of the security forces. Obviously, burning down the laundromat was the only option he had left.

That’s gonna leave a mark.


  1. Jeffro »

    30 November 2011 · 2:21 pm

    Phlebotomist? Physician, Heal Thyself!

  2. CGHill »

    30 November 2011 · 2:41 pm

    It’s a transcription error. He was actually claiming to be the flea-bottom-est of them all.

  3. Tatyana »

    30 November 2011 · 6:40 pm

    Obviously, he took to heart the lefty mantra “be everything you want to be”.
    I especially like the “architectural engineer”. Maybe that’s what I should call myself on my resume.

  4. fillyjonk »

    30 November 2011 · 7:45 pm

    My first reaction: “Wow, I sound so boring by comparison.”

    My second reaction: “but at least I’m not burning (expletive deleted) down.”

    (I will confess to having assisted at one or two prescribed burns on prairies, but those had, like, official permitting and stuff.)

RSS feed for comments on this post