Early checkout

This is possibly the most disturbing tweet I’ve ever seen, and as a result it’s going below the jump.

I probably ought not to have, but I did read the note, which began thusly:

TL;DR Goodbye, I’m killing myself.

There follows a long version, from which I excerpt two paragraphs, one near the beginning, the other near the end:

This is a post that’s been a long time coming. 19 years of depression, give or take. It’s been long and brutal and full of a lot of tears and angst and it’s finally coming to a close. 10 days ago I purchased a shotgun and today, after the required California waiting period, I picked up that shotgun. A few of you have seen me offer up countdowns and references to October 1st at around noon; that was my nod towards this outcome.

Those of you who might want to suggest that a longer waiting period would have helped here are, um, not helping.

I want to tie this off with an apology to those of you who I’ve inflicted myself on over the years. Whether it’s reading the shit I spew onto Twitter or suffering my vortex of negativity as a colleague, I’ve been an albatross around the neck of a lot of people I respect and enjoy. To those who tried to befriend me and whose friendships I abandoned and allowed to wither and die, I’m also sorry. I wish I knew how to be a friend, but I just wasn’t wired that way.

Most of us, I suspect, have screwy wiring; the workarounds aren’t always obvious.

When I read something like this, I want to pound on my desk and scream: “Wasn’t there another way?” Then somewhere in the wind I hear: “If there had been another way, don’t you think I’d have tried it?”

This is how you miss someone you’ve never even met. And I don’t even want to know what kind of ghoul actually favorites something like that.


  1. McGehee »

    2 October 2014 · 5:48 pm

    “Favoriting” is an entirely inappropriate word (note its use by Internet Explorer as well) for bookmarking, which is surely what at least some of those 69 people intended.

    I tweeted something yesterday about being glad it was October. I’m going to go remove that now.

  2. Brian »

    2 October 2014 · 6:16 pm

    Truly tragic. I feel sad about this. I don’t any wisdom that could’ve helped, even if I knew her. I venture to guess there were people in her life that truly cared for her, even with her imperfections. Sometimes that doesn’t seem to be enough. I’ve struggled with depression off and on for years, and thoughts of a quick end have come to mind more than once. I’m not sure what snaps me out of it each time.

  3. McGehee »

    2 October 2014 · 6:54 pm

    When I watched What Dreams May Come, the most frightening part was the depiction of Robin Williams’s character’s wife, who had committed suicide. There she was in an afterlife where her house had no power and no water, nothing worked, and there was nowhere for her to turn for help.

    To us watching it was obvious that of course you call the electric company and the water department — but that is apparently what happens to someone who is genuinely suicidal: they can’t think in terms of getting help, they’re too busy trying to cope with the rolling dysfunction that is settling in on them until it smothers them entirely.

    Leaving their loved ones feeling just as helpless in their own predicament of watching someone they care about fade away until the irreversible happens.

  4. Roger Green »

    2 October 2014 · 9:41 pm


  5. okie1701 »

    3 October 2014 · 5:14 am

    It’s hard for me to even guess what being that low feels like. I think you said it best Charles:

    “Most of us, I suspect, have screwy wiring; the workarounds aren’t always obvious.”

    Yet a message was sent…

  6. fillyjonk »

    3 October 2014 · 6:09 am

    And I can think of all the people who felt helpless, because they wanted to do something to help the person, but there was nothing they COULD do at that point. That is a horrifying tweet.

  7. Tatyana »

    3 October 2014 · 6:55 pm

    At least she was able to say good bye and to explain herself.
    One more -unintended? – consequence and a plus for “social media” thing.

RSS feed for comments on this post