News Item: Chrysler’s new owner, Cerberus Capital Management, expects the carmaker to return to profitability in roughly three years’ time. In a recent interview, Cerberus boss John Snow told reporters “I think you’ll see that Chrysler will be in much better shape within three years. This is a plan to get it back to profitability.” To ensure that it actually happens, former Home Depot chief Robert Nardelli has been appointed as the automaker’s new Chairman and CEO.
Top Ten steps to be taken by new Chrysler chairman Bob Nardelli to bring the company back to prosperity:
- Equip all Five Star dealerships with both English and Spanish signage
- License the Hemi to John Deere to build the world’s fastest lawn tractor
- Redesign the Dodge Ram logo to look less girly
- Fire whichever dorkwad thought the world needed a Jeep that seats seven
- Outsource everything smaller than the Pacifica to Hyundai
- Promise never to allow Lee Iacocca on television again
- Same goes for Dr Z
- Revive Dodge La Femme, offer Amanda Marcotte a test drive
- Two words: Demon roadster
- Create unprecedented buzz by burying all new models for fifty years
And don’t you miss rich Corinthian leather?