From the “As if” files

Something called Cavalry Portfolio Services, a collection agency with delusions of grandeur, left a message on my machine today for somebody who isn’t here and never has been: I assume they saw a similar name in the phone book and decided that yes, this is the woman we’re looking for.

And their pitch was one I hadn’t heard before: “If you are not [debtor’s name] you must hang up.” Pause. “By continuing to listen to this call you acknowledge that you are in fact [debtor’s name].”

On the off-chance that they might Google themselves:

Dear Cavalry: By reading this article you acknowledge that (1) you are complete and utter tools and (2) you are expected to remit one thousand dollars ($1,000) by cashier’s check or money order to me at my address, in partial compensation for wasting my time and for assuming that your feeble excuse for skip tracing somehow equates to actual identification.

I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, and it’s been almost a month since the last time I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but I believe this is every bit as enforceable as the crap they put out over the phone.


  1. McGehee »

    15 August 2007 · 11:00 am

    “Dear Cavalry: By reading this comment you acknowledge that (3) you are too stupid to know what’s good for you and (4) you are expected to remit to each and every one of [blogger’s name]‘s commenters the sum of not less than one hundred dollars for wasting our planet’s oxygen.”

  2. Deb »

    16 August 2007 · 6:13 am

    I get several phone calls a day from a company that does that exact same thing, except they have the wrong number and there is never a live person on the phone to tell that they are calling the wrong number.

    It’s getting kind of annoying actually…

  3. McGehee »

    16 August 2007 · 10:29 am

    Deb, that is precisely the kind of thing for which specific-caller-blocking needs to be more generally available. Calls like that are nothing more than analog spam, even worse than conventional telemarketing.

    And we all know how popular conventional telemarketing is.

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