It begins with a nut

So-called “fake news” never sounded this fake:

If the fringe of the fringe of conspiracy theorists are to be believed, shape-shifting interdimensional reptilians from royal bloodlines are trying to thin the herd of humanity by covertly sterilizing the masses.

While the jury is still out on that wild claim, we do know for sure that a member of the British royal family has approved the large-scale forced sterilization of that other invasive mammalian species: squirrels. But it gets darker.

The members of this anti-squirrel cabal will be using everyone’s favorite “hazelnut” spread to do their bidding.

Wait. Hazelnuts? What?

According to The Independent, Prince Charles approved this plan during a meeting with the Illuminati-sounding UK Squirrel Accord, an association of 32 woodland, timber industry, and conservation organizations whose professed goal is to keep “red squirrel populations protected and thriving and greys controlled, through targeted and sustained action.”

Those targeted and sustained actions are set to include luring greys into a trap containing Nutella laced with GonaCon, a vaccine that sterilizes mammals by suppressing the hormones necessary for reproduction.

In other news, the United Kingdom has a Squirrel Accord. Sounds like something Chuck Windsor would come up with, don’t you think?

(Via Emily Zanotti.)


  1. fillyjonk »

    1 March 2017 · 9:59 am

    I can think of a few humans who might benefit from that “special” Nutella.

  2. McG »

    1 March 2017 · 1:36 pm

    Chuck may be squirrelly, but apparently he’s not a “Grey.”

RSS feed for comments on this post