It was a dark and stuffy Muse

Your 2017 winner of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, Kat Russo from Loveland, Colorado:

The elven city of Losstii faced towering sea cliffs and abutted rolling hills that in the summer were covered with blankets of flowers and in the winter were covered with blankets, because the elves wanted to keep the flowers warm and didn’t know much at all about gardening.

Darn elves.

Among the genre winners, this one in Fantasy:

Replacing the Human Torch’s fireproof colostomy bag, teaching Iron Man how to use the TV remote, listening to Iceman complain that it’s too cold, searching in vain for the Invisible Woman after she’s wandered away yet again — life isn’t comical as a Marvel Universe hospice nurse.

(Dan White, Clarendon Hills, Illinois)

In Adventure:

The familiar cleaning ritual now complete, Lieutenant (Junior Grade) Christopher P. “Hondo” Holdsworth carefully reassembled his Brügger & Thomet APR308 7.62x51mm sniper rifle, mounting the matte-black Leupold 8 3.5-25x56mm optic with the splined 5mm Allen wrench that ensured it would stay put and retracting the Harris S-BRM 6-9 Notched Bipod, the way a character in a Tom Clancy novel would.

(G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, California)

Finally, in Science Fiction:

Although the public’s initial concerns about artificial intelligence and the “internet of things” had been troubling, its eventual ability to embrace those advances only underscored the greatness of America, mused Hoover Upright LXI as he took the oath of office to become the first cordless vacuum cleaner elected to Congress.

(Also G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, California)


  1. fillyjonk »

    6 August 2017 · 11:54 am

    not gonna lie, that “elves are terrible gardeners” story could be really entertaining with the right ironic tone.

  2. McG »

    6 August 2017 · 2:08 pm

    Indeed. It’s positively Pratchett-esque.

  3. fillyjonk »

    6 August 2017 · 2:22 pm

    that was exactly what I was thinking, the whole “blankets over flowers” thing sounds like a Sir Terry turn of phrase.

  4. jsallison »

    7 August 2017 · 9:20 pm

    It was a dark and stormy night. The deli was out of mustard for my hot pastrami on rye. She wore plaid.

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