Ruthless self-appraisal

One topic covered at the most recent shrink session was the sad state of my dance card. I didn’t defend it, exactly, but I did, I believe, correctly identify the person responsible for this situation. (I carry his picture in my wallet.)

The next day, Robert Stacy McCain issued his own findings:

Overestimating your chances is a basic trait of losers. An unrealistically high self-appraisal — a misguided belief that you deserve better romantic partners than are actually available to you — is one obvious reason why people engage in online dating. And it evidently does not occur to these people that the online dating pool is polluted with people just like themselves, because another basic trait of losers is a lack of self-awareness. That is to say, the loser is seldom aware of why he is losing and, indeed, may refuse to recognize that he is a loser.

This is what produces guys like Elliot Rodger, who declared himself “The Supreme Gentleman” before his 2014 murder/suicide rampage. He was an extreme example of the loser mentality, a half-Malaysian guy who seemed to believe he deserved a perfect blonde girlfriend. He actually wasn’t bad-looking, and he was born to fortunate circumstances — his father is a film director — but he was doomed by his lack of self-awareness. All the feminist lectures about “misogyny” and “male entitlement” inspired by the Isla Vista shootings missed this point: If Elliot Rodger was typical of anything, he was a typical loser.

For the record, I have never had a blonde girlfriend, perfect or otherwise, and have never had any reason to expect I would get one.


  1. fillyjonk »

    13 May 2018 · 12:05 pm

    Well, his comment gives me another reason (as if I needed one) to tell people “No, I have no interest in doing online dating.”

    (I’m sure I’m exactly the type of woman those self-described “I deserve it” types would roll their eyes over and probably leave hurtful comments about. Not that I should care what they think, but I’ve found that “caring way too much about what randos think” is an indelible personality trait of mine)

  2. McGehee »

    13 May 2018 · 12:20 pm

    I can’t say I dated any blondes. In fact, my dating history as I understand the term was pretty much limited to one Latina girl, and that lasted about two months. It wasn’t an online thing, but dumping me on my birthday would have been hard for an online-dating relationship to top.

    Technically, the means by which Mrs. McG and I met was neither online, nor dating, but…

  3. Holly H »

    14 May 2018 · 8:21 am

    I have mixed feelings about online dating. A HUGELY-annoying experience, putting yourself for “sale” out there, for all to see. After a few weeks, you start to feel like day-old bread. So demeaning. And yeah, one had to wonder about the self-awareness of some of those clowns (…..or was I the clown?).

    Anyway, there were a couple of bright points. I got a laugh out of the guy who declared that no liberals need write to him. “Liberals make my head hurt”.

    And the other bright point? I found my husband out there, and we are happy ever after. OKCupid did the trick.

  4. Roger Green »

    20 May 2018 · 6:26 am

    I would dread having to do online dating, or for that matter dating in the age of FB and Twitter. Married 19 years this month, thank Allah!

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