Been there, and the question is very hard to put into words; good of you to type it.
Also very difficult to have other people understand. Everybody has a reason, everybody. I was going over this very thing yesterday, and again this morning. Looking back it would have been such a shame, such a pissing shame, to miss the good parts I’ve had. But at the time…well, not so much.
No one knows the inside-the-heart/head/butt pain of someone else, so I won’t try to pretend I do. What helped me, and still does, is not to try so hard, not to tally every event , and force myself to be bigger than the problem. Big picture, not details.
Let me know how to help.
One good reason is that there are people in the world whose lives would be poorer without you here. Any other reason, I’m afraid, can only be sought among the living, and ultimately with the God of the Living. As one who has asked similar questions, I know – it’s not easy, and the answers aren’t either; but they’re out there. God be with you, always.
If you really do reach a point where survival is torture, then it would be selfish of us to insist that you go on. But why not give that new doctor a chance? We need you and care about you. If there’s any chance at all that he can help, please please let him try.
Frankly, I’d miss your postings, Charles. I read your blog twice a day and, over the years, I’ve learned much from the information you’ve imparted. I’ve also gotten more than a few laughs.
As to your pain and frustration, I have no answers – I’m not a doctor. You o have my prayers and my sympathy. My advice – stick around as long as you can. There’s always something new and exciting around the corner.