General Motors knew exactly what they were doing when they began producing the Hummer: they were creating a niche vehicle, instantly recognizable something you can’t say of too many of the General’s generics with off-road and rock-hopping capabilities as good as any you could get anywhere. So I have no trouble defending the Hummer.
Some of its owners, maybe not so much:
So I’m in the parking lot at Lowes and nitwit in the hummer is taking up far too much road space. Along comes little car with family inside, taking up the appropriate space in the road and refusing to budge. Nitwit in hummer was forced to hop the curb and of course shouted a few explicits out of the window. I followed, plenty of room since I was too driving a normal sized car.
If he’d left it at that but no:
“Did you see that, did you see that, I had to go up on the curb to avoid that idiot, did you see where he parked?”
I quickly looked around, hoping beyond all hope nitwit wasn’t addressing me, I only wanted to run in and get some molding.
No such luck.
“Some people, I’m going to have to take my car to the garage tomorrow, the wheels are probably all out of alignment.”
I snorted, I couldn’t stop myself, it was an involuntary sound it just came out. It’s the kind of snort one makes when they’re trying desperately not to laugh at the pure lunacy of nitwit.
“Excuse me?” said nitwit indignantly
I was forced to respond.
“Look”, says me “that is not a car, you’re driving a hummer. It was built to crush small villages in war-torn areas. Haven’t you seen the commercials, apparently it can scale a 65% incline. I seriously doubt you knocked your wheels out of alignment and if you did, ask for a refund. If you’re not aware of your vehicle’s capabilities perhaps you should consider a small car and do us all a favor by allowing us to drive around parking lots without fear of you infringing on our side of the road have a nice day.”
And for the coup de grâce:
And as I turned to leave “You probably swerve around tiny little pot holes as well don’t you?”
The curtain of charity descends.