Meanwhile, Job waits for his rebate check

Under the Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act, he who provides a “full warranty” (anything less is a “limited warranty”) must include all of the following:

  • must, as a minimum, remedy the consumer product within a reasonable time and without charge;
  • may not impose any limitation on the duration of any implied warranty on the product;
  • may not exclude or limit consequential damages for a breach of any written or implied warranty on the product, unless the exclusion or limitation conspicuously appears on the face of the warranty; and
  • if the product, or a component part, contains a defect or malfunction, must permit the consumer to elect either a refund or replacement without charge, after a reasonable number of repair attempts.

I’m sure Frank Moss and Warren Magnuson, way back in 1975, never envisioned this:

The word “tithe” is derived from the Hebrew word ma’aser and it literally means a tenth. Ten percent of everything belongs to the Lord. In Malachi 3:10-11, God says, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse that there may be food in my house.” The ‘storehouse’ is the Old Testament picture of the New Testament church. So as New Testament believers, we worship the Lord with the tithe; or the ten percent.

But giving away 10% of your income can be a big — and often frightening — commitment! That’s why we created the Three-Month Tithing Challenge: a money-back guarantee of sorts. Essentially, it’s a contract based on the promises of God in Malachi 3:10-11. We commit to you that if you tithe for three months and God doesn’t hold true to His promises of blessings, we will refund 100% of your tithe. No questions asked.

“Good afternoon, One Brimstone Place.” The voice was unusually dark.

“You’re answering your own phone now?”

“It’s hard to get good help these days. Was there something You wanted?”

The Lord God read the paragraphs above. “What do you think? I’m tempted to send a plague of toads.”

The Prince of Darkness whistled. “That’s some slick guarantee there. Maybe You should just sue them or something.”

“Oh, right. Where am I supposed to find a lawyer?

“Hey, I’m just doing my job,” Satan complained. “There’s always Google. I hear they’re trying not to be evil these days.”

“Thank you, Lucifer, you’ve been as much help as ever.”


(Via Church Marketing Sucks.)

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