Squid pro quo

I have often questioned my occupational choices, but usually not to this extent:

You know you’re on the wrong career path when you find yourself entertaining gloomy thoughts like “If I had my life to live over again, I’d do it all differently. I’d make better decisions. I’d work in Japanese tentacle porn.”

Um, say what?

I have found a job of sorts, editing manuscripts for a vanity publisher. My task is to take paragraphs like Mental pictures filled her mind of the tall dark handsome stranger with smoldering eyes who looked at her with eyes that smoldered and said “I love you your so beautiful” and try to turn them into something readable.

How does this compare to working in tentacle porn? On the plus side, I’m not required to have sex with an octopus. On the minus side, if I were required to have sex with an octopus I could simply close my eyes and think of England rather than be expected to offer dispassionate advice on how to make the whole “sex with octopi” experience more enjoyable for the readers: “No! It doesn’t seem as though she’s being ravished by an octopus; she is being ravished by an octopus. There’s nothing metaphorical about it. Speaking of metaphors, ‘the tentacle entered into her like some sort of tentacle entering into her’ doesn’t really work as one. Also, if you have a few minutes, perhaps we could chat about the proper use of the subjunctive: it’s ‘If I were a horny octopus I’d go totally gaga over green-haired schoolgirls in little plaid dresses,’ not ‘if I was a horny octopus’.”

Possible motivations for reproducing the above item:

  1. It’s funny.
  2. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes about our jobs?
  3. Grammar lessons always draw humorous comments.
  4. Was there ever easier Googlebait? I mean, really.
  5. All of the above.

8 comments

  1. unimpressed »

    26 October 2008 · 8:51 pm

    It is. Yes. They do. No. Absolutely.

  2. Jeffro »

    26 October 2008 · 9:20 pm

    On the whole, I’d rather herd cats.

  3. Charles Pergiel »

    26 October 2008 · 9:38 pm

    Subjunctive? You want subjunctive? I’ll give you some subjunctive, punk.

  4. CGHill »

    26 October 2008 · 9:43 pm

    Were I desirous of subjunctive, you’d damn well know it.

  5. McGehee »

    27 October 2008 · 7:50 am

    I felt as though I were reading a blog post with a pull quote from another blog post.

  6. CGHill »

    27 October 2008 · 7:52 am

    How does that compare to herding cats?

  7. McGehee »

    27 October 2008 · 5:40 pm

    Cats are actually fairly easy to herd, if you place an electric can opener in the corral.

  8. Rob »

    29 October 2008 · 7:47 am

    It’s not “octopi”, dammit! Now, would that be a grammar or a spelling comment…?

RSS feed for comments on this post