The evolution of ritual

Scaryduck contemplates a mystery of the faith:

Nestle Tip Top Squirty CreamThis weekend, for reasons far too complicated to explain, I found myself in the back rooms of a local church. Taking a peek in the refrigerator, to see if I could find a splash of milk to go with my plastic cup of scout hut tea, I found that our local zombie worshipers keep no less than SIX tins of squirty cream.

As a noted BLASPHEMER, who has in the past personally made Baby Jesus cry on several occasions, I ask this pertinent question: For what reason does a church need six tins of squirty cream?

Not being any great shakes with religious symbolism, I am nonetheless aware of the fact that certain branches of the faith regard the communion wafer to be — quite literally — the body of poor, dead-yet-not-dead-because-he’s-excellent Jesus, while the wine becomes his blood, spilled on the cross at the time of His passion.

Much of my education having been conducted under the auspices of certain branches of the faith, I think I can safely say that none of the known Sacraments involve aerosols, and that in all probability, the material in question is kept there for the enhancement of rectory meals — and that they got a discount on half a dozen.

Still, I paid dues as an altar boy — even served a wedding once — and I know what my, um, associates would have done had we discovered such stuff on the premises.


  1. fillyjonk »

    4 November 2008 · 9:44 am

    Two thoughts:

    1. If the church in question operates like mine, with several different groups going at different times during the week, and not always the best communication…well, the cans were probably bought by different people for different purposes – a wedding reception here, a children’s party where hot chocolate was served there. I would be willing to bet that four of the six cans are out-dated and have probably been in the fridge for at least 8 months.

    2. Some of the…shall we say, rowdier? activities for children involve things like burying candies (or, I suppose, berries, if you want to make at least an attempt at “healthiness”) in a mound of the stuff and then having the kids root for the candies/berries. If you’ve seen “A Christmas Story” and remember the “And how do the little piggies eat?” scene, you can imagine this game. (I try to have more dignity with my Youth Group, and also with a group of teen boys, some from rougher backgrounds, I shudder to think about what kinds of double entendres might come up if whipped cream were used as part of a game).

  2. Charles Pergiel »

    4 November 2008 · 8:32 pm

    What in the world is “scout hut tea”? Tea made from scout huts? Made in huts, made out of scouts?

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