One always dies too soon or too late

If you’re thinking “It’s never too soon to kill Hitler,” well, forget it: you can’t go back in time and kill him.

On the other hand, there are other pests of European origin that possibly could be preempted:

DOCTOR: M. Sartre?

SARTRE: Mais oui!

DOCTOR: Jean-Paul Sartre?

SARTRE: (warily) Yes, monsieur, that is my name.

DOCTOR: The Jean-Paul Charles Aymard Sartre, the existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic, one of the leading Figures in 20th Century French philosophy? (Ed: the Doctor reads Wikipedia.)

SARTRE: (Amazed) I am?

(The Doctor then raises the cricket bat and brings it down on Sartre’s head. Sartre falls out of his chair and sprawls inert on the pavement.)

DOCTOR: Not any more.

(The door to the Tardis opens. A young girl with long brown hair, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with the initials CUNY steps out.)

GIRL: Is it done?

DOCTOR: (Looking down at Sartre.) Yup. When he wakes up in the hospital he’ll have forgotten everything he learned at the Sorbonne. He’ll decide to go into chicken farming in Provence. Being and Nothingness will never be written.

GIRL: Oh thank God!

Nominations for subsequent whacks by the Doctor will be received below.


  1. Tatyana »

    7 December 2008 · 3:07 pm

    Oh the list might grow out of template.
    How ’bout Algore? Osama b.l? Marx&Engels?

  2. Brian J. »

    7 December 2008 · 3:29 pm

    If we whack Plato, we don’t get Aristotle. So I guess he’s safe.

    Maybe Dewey or James. They screwed up Peirce’s pragmatism.

  3. Akaky »

    7 December 2008 · 4:22 pm

    But does the chicken cross the road in order to pass from being to nothingness or does he (or she; this may be a hen, after all) cross the road in order to avoid the hell that is other chickens? Does the road exist at all or is it merely a social construct designed to uphold the power of the ruling classes?

  4. fillyjonk »

    7 December 2008 · 4:24 pm

    I’ll go in the opposite, less-intellectual, direction, and suggest that the person who came up with that barking-dogs version of “Jingle Bells” should have taken a cricket bat to the cranium and, I don’t know, become a bus driver or something instead.

    And maybe Phil Spector should have been whacked, but only after the height of his record-producing career. We need the “Wall of Sound,” we don’t need the weird horrifying series of court cases.

  5. Dan B »

    7 December 2008 · 5:05 pm

    Let’s roll back to 1966 for two Chrono-Whacks: Harvey LeRoy “Lee” Atwater and Jesse Louis Jackson, Sr.. I don’t care what they would become after the Chrono-Whack, just as long as they didn’t continue on courses at that time.

  6. GradualDazzle »

    8 December 2008 · 12:15 am

    Richard Dreyfuss. Think of all the horrible movies we’d never have to see him in.

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