Meeting the Al Jaffee standard

Apart from the Mad Fold-In, Al Jaffee’s major contribution to Western civilization is called “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.”

So Dutty’s going through checkout with two big bags of Purina Dog Chow, and a woman behind him asks, “Do you have a dog?”

I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital the last time.

On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

And remember: avoid any variety that makes its own gravy, especially if you’re going to carry it on your person.

Dutty says he can’t shop there anymore.


  1. Dwayne "the canoe guy" »

    3 March 2009 · 9:24 am

    My kids used to own lizards. If you own lizards you have to buy crickets. Soooo, I was at the pet store buying crickets, a big bag of live crickets. The checker asks, “Do you have lizards”. I said “Nope, I’m making stir fry tonight.” Her mouth falls open and the old Asian guy behind me says “You don’t want the black ones, get the brown ones.” My mouth falls open and he shouts “GOTCHA!” and laughs like a madman.

  2. unimpressed »

    3 March 2009 · 5:15 pm

    Dwayne, that was -perfect-!

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