Ordnance deployment fail

I could swear I’ve heard something like this once or twice before:

There is a secret to charming women into bed. A skill to loosening bra straps and inhibitions. A technique which drives normally sensible women to take risks. What is more enduring than a man’s rippling six pack? More effective than the tightest set of buns? This secret weapon, if deployed correctly, gives men direct, unimpeded access into the underwear of the female of the species.

A man lucky enough to possess this magical element will find the process of wooing women far less traumatic than his more modestly endowed contemporaries.

It’s called a “sense of humour.” Never mind hoo-ha stimulation, if you can massage her funny bone in just the right way, she’ll be begging you for more.

As news goes, this isn’t. I wrote back in ’07:

[W]omen, almost unanimously, demand men with a “sense of humor,” which undoubtedly explains all the girlfriends Gilbert Gottfried has stolen away from Eric Bana.

And while I have no doubt that some women pay more attention to hee-hee than to hoo-ha, the number of same camped out on my porch has remained at zero for the last decade or so, which tells me that either my implementation of said sense is woefully short on eptness, or we’re being bullshot for some reason. (Please note that this poem was not written to Andy Richter.)


  1. Jeffro »

    4 October 2009 · 10:36 am

    we’re being bullshot for some reason

    Yep, all the “trophy wives” hang with ugly, poor but hilarious comedians.

    To be fair – not interested in superficial women that look at bank balances, cars and tony addresses first.

  2. Francis W. Porretto »

    4 October 2009 · 5:59 pm

    Bah. They say they want a sense of humor, but that’s in the same category as the famous “walks on the beach.”

    What they want, all but universally, is a man who’ll listen to them. The way a woman would. Which indicates a profound lack of understanding of the innate differences between the sexes.

    I’ve tested this hypothesis. It has yet to be contradicted in practice.

    (Don’t tell my wife.)

  3. paulsmos »

    5 October 2009 · 5:44 am

    Porretto is right on….If you really listen, you can make her hoo-ha stand up and wa-hoo and she’ll be gushing hee-hees as you play off her words.

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